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EP 22: Mom Guilt
2.5k Plays2 years ago
Is there a feeling more unanimous among mothers than guilt? What is up with that?! Mom guilt is frequent topic on the pod, and this week the moms take a deep dive on how they experience mom guilt in their own lives. They discuss how pervasive it is, how it derails our joy as mothers, the specific millenial experience of mom guilt, and how they try to overcome that pesky voice saying “you’re not enough!” Spoiler alert - you’re doing a great job!!
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Transcript
Introduction to Hosts
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're going to get into it. All right. Good afternoon, best friends. I'm here with my best friends, Whitney and Candice, and this is the mom group chat podcast. Hey, so proper this time. I felt like I was being welcomed into a formal interview.
00:00:29
Speaker
No, you're not. No, no, no. It's just mom group chat podcast. How's everybody doing?
Whitney's Pregnancy Journey
00:00:40
Speaker
Whitney, your induction date is less than a week away. How are you feeling?
00:00:46
Speaker
Um, she's very low, but there are no signs of her coming early, which is such a bummer. I was like really hoping I could work her out early, but it's just not looking that way. I'm like not even dilated. She's just in the right position.
00:01:05
Speaker
Right. Yes. He just said it was soft and I was like, all right. Thank you. Thank you. When in your appointments did you start getting cervical checks? Because I never got a check. This was my only one. Really?
00:01:21
Speaker
Yeah, I've never had one. He didn't offer it at all like the two week before or three week. I mean, knowing I have an induction a week ahead. I mean, it's probably like there's no point like if she came, she came because I'm coming early anyway, so.
00:01:38
Speaker
Yeah, I guess now that I think about it, I did have one two weeks before my induction. And that was when they told me I was two centimeters dilated, like two weeks out. And then do you remember that one time like when I at the very end, I thought I might be leaking fluid.
00:01:59
Speaker
Um, no, what's it called? That memory is not clear. Well, I, you guys were in newborn land, so it's totally, it makes total sense, but, um, I ended up going to the ER because I thought I was leaking. Um, what's it called? Ambiotic.
00:02:15
Speaker
Uh, and so I had a server and that was probably a week before my induction and, uh, you were just, I was just juicing. I was not leaking antibiotic fluid. Uh, but I, they checked my cervix at that. So that was a week before and I'm still two centimeters dilated and I begged the nurse. I was like.
00:02:38
Speaker
Please, I'm already here. I'll just go across the street, check myself in. I'm here. Well, it was like the emergency room at the women's hospital, so it's not even across the street. It was like I was there. I was in labor and delivery.
00:02:53
Speaker
So no, she wouldn't, they wouldn't do it. They're like, sorry, girl, you got to go home. I know. You do be getting desperate at the end. It's like, please, like I would do anything at this time. When he checked me yesterday, I was like, come on, like bust through something. I was sticking Primrose, Primrose oil at my hoo ha every night. Primrose, Primrose y'all.
00:03:19
Speaker
But I swear that is what softened my cervix. I still stand by that and I can, I'm probably going to do it again this pregnancy. Yeah. I mean, she's just, um, I had an ultrasound too, and she's definitely like hanging out in my regime.
00:03:36
Speaker
Um, her head is so low and it's at night. I'm so exhausted cause she's just, it hurts. I have to like lay down because it just, there's so much pressure, but looking like, uh, next week.
00:03:52
Speaker
You need distraction. I feel like summer is not the best time because it's so flipping hot and there's really no distractions. I guess it's back to school, but not really for us because Graydon's in daycare all the time. I mean, TJ starts his little school, but- I can't walk because it's 98 degrees here, so I'm like- You're stuck inside.
Impact of Social Media on Sorority Life
00:04:18
Speaker
Yeah. Are you watching Bama Rush TikTok at least?
00:04:21
Speaker
Oh, well I have been. Whether I like it or not, it's all over. I'm invested. Well, yeah, obviously. I think we've all been watching. I have not been watching. I just see I follow my old chap, like my chapter.
00:04:39
Speaker
Tri-Delta Alpha Psi from University of Florida. I've followed their social medias. I see what they're posting and I'm just so sad when I watch it. I don't know. It makes me feel very weird.
00:04:55
Speaker
seeing what Spirit Week is now. I mean, like, I guess this is just generational differences, but they are, which just like seems like it's a whole manufactured content machine. Like the whole point of it is to create content and they're so hot and they're doing all this like hot girl shit and they just look so
00:05:20
Speaker
like perfect. And then I think about our spirit week and it was like, it was like a fun sleepover. I mean, it was intense. We were doing all the rush stuff, but it was like, nobody was wearing makeup. We were wearing pajamas the whole week. We were practicing our rush stuff, singing our songs.
00:05:36
Speaker
and just being casual and having fun together? I don't know. Literally, we were in Nike shorts and oversized t-shirts for a week. There were no pictures. It's funny because I literally went back into my Facebook archives to try and find pictures of Sisterhood Week to do a comparison with what they do now. And literally, there are no pictures other than
00:06:06
Speaker
a couple pictures of us. No, but literally we're lounging around the living room. Like a joke napping or something. Yeah. Like during the breaks we would take a nap and like literally we're all in oversized t-shirts and Nike shorts and we're just like laying around with my hair in a bun. Like the way that they have a theme for each day of sisterhood and it's literally like
00:06:32
Speaker
How do they pay for it is my question. We had a bid day budget that was the only day we decorated for. And now it's like, not only do you have to buy all of your rush outfits and pay for bid day, which I think was covered by dues, you have to pay for every fucking day's decor and an outfit for every day of spirit week.
00:06:53
Speaker
And it's not just decor. It's like thousands of balloon arches and intricate signs that are made and props. And it's just a freaking cash cow. I just am like, how do you afford to send your child to a four-year university? And then on top of that, sorority dues. And then on top of that, in order to keep up with the lifestyle of these sorority girls,
00:07:21
Speaker
It's so much money. Yep. They're all doing like multi multi-step skincare when I did not elephant a freaking drop of moisturizer on my face for four years. Yeah. I mean,
00:07:38
Speaker
Yeah, I worry like I look at all the content and I'm like good for them. But also like with my daughter coming, I'm like, do I encourage her to like join this type of organization? I don't know.
00:07:54
Speaker
I don't know. And I wonder how much of it is like real versus like, you know, the girls in the chapter are maybe just like, Oh, this is like, you know, whatever. There's like the tick tock girls doing their tick tock stuff. And we all have to like be back here in the back, like waving this sign and like doing this balloon. And like, this is so silly. Or if everybody's like, no, this is like serious. Like we need to make sure we go viral.
00:08:16
Speaker
Yeah. And I can't stop thinking about logistics of it all, being someone who was in charge of recruitment and the way we scheduled the days. They for sure now have scheduled content times. They have to. It's like from 8 AM to 10 AM, everyone is taking TikToks. Everyone is taking pictures. You have to send all of your pictures and videos to the social chair. She will go through them. I just know.
00:08:44
Speaker
They are run like full ass brands. There's definitely a director of content for sure. 100 percent. And that is just so I mean, part of me is like, wow, you know, if my daughter were to go in and join a sorority and do that role, that is amazing experience for the real world, to be quite honest. But the odds of like there's so much other bullshit involved that I'm like, I don't know.
00:09:13
Speaker
if I would even want her to do that. I don't think I would want her to go to the University of Alabama and be in a sorority. I'm not sure. I mean, it's a different beast and I want her to gain so much life experience and like perspective about the world. And I think that Alabama, even though it's come a little bit further than when we were there, I still think it is like a bubble that
00:09:36
Speaker
doesn't offer a lot of life and world perspective. So I don't know. It's scary out there, y'all. I just don't know. I completely agree. And I'm not going to lie. When we all joined Sordie's, how long ago? Like 15 years ago? 14 years ago? No. A long ass time ago.
00:10:01
Speaker
I am not under the delusion that I joined it for a really diverse, far-reaching experience. I joined to party and meet boys and make friends and go to football games and be in a cool club. That's why I joined. And have a house to eat at.
00:10:24
Speaker
And coming from all girls high school, I was like, I'm going to need a little stepping stone here. I'm used to being around all girls. But now, all of that still exists. And also, you have to portray this brand to the world.
00:10:45
Speaker
You, the social media aspect of it all makes me very uncomfortable. And like, at least we didn't have that. Like at least once you got in and you went through recruitment, you could be like a weird creature and we were all weird creatures and it was fine.
00:11:01
Speaker
But now I feel like the brand, like you said, Candice, is basically like the epitome of joining a sorority. It's like you're joining this brand and it's like even more pressure to just present in a certain way, 24-7. And I'm like, it's the presenting 24-7 that is a problem for me or would make me feel worried about my daughter.
00:11:26
Speaker
joining something like that. For sure. I think it doesn't offer a lot of room for mistakes or from the secretions. From what I see on TikTok now, and there are girls who have been in it in the past couple of years and dropped out and are like,
00:11:44
Speaker
letting it all fly now, just speaking, spilling the tea. And from what I hear from them, it's like very much like you step out of this line and you're ridiculed and made to feel like shit. And again, it just doesn't offer a lot of room for life experience or exploration and
00:12:08
Speaker
I think it puts a lot of weight on that brand, that persona, what you look like, what you have, and I hate that. I don't want it to be about what jewelry do you have or what clothes do you have or do you have hokas on or whatever.
00:12:24
Speaker
I don't want that to be the value of my daughter. I don't want her to only hold value in herself based on how much money we have or what items we're able to buy. That's fucked up. I don't want that for her. And I feel like sorority breeds that mentality. Right.
00:12:43
Speaker
I was going to say, when did Hoka's become cool? They're like grandma and grandpa tennis shoes that are cushioned to the moon. If we had Hoka's in college, people would make fun of us. I mean, Chris runs in them, which I get it. They're made for that, but it's just so funny. But what I was going to say is like,
00:13:06
Speaker
I can see both sides because we know the other side of social media and it's like not everything is what it seems and it feels like they just push to market to get as many girls to join in the beginning and then you don't hear about the sorority at all like the rest of the year.
00:13:27
Speaker
Is it really what it's like or are they just trying to get as many people or girls to join and like them the most? And then it just kind of like disappears again. So I don't know. I feel like for University of Alabama, it's also like a huge branding thing just for the university. Like how many more people do they have?
00:13:47
Speaker
applying and going to Alabama because they want to be like, it's crazy. Like UNC here, I follow their tridel too, because I'm just like, let's see what they're up to. And they're like, cute. And they're posting pics, but they're not going nuts. So you know, like, they're like first day of school. And it's like pictures of them like drinking coffee and stuff at the house. And it's cute. But it's not the level of effort or money or production that you're seeing from like the big
00:14:17
Speaker
sec schools, namely Alabama, Alabama marketing is insane. Like ever since football blew up. I mean, it's crazy. The campus is gorgeous. They all have new dorms. Like everything's new just because of the amount of students going there now. I mean, it's crazy. So fun. I feel like we needed like a spin-off show. That's just like Alabama slash sec sororities in depth.
00:14:46
Speaker
And we, I want to interview somebody who like just went through it. I want to do what the Alabama documentary didn't do. Yeah. Yeah. Should I get my sister law on here? No, seriously. Like let's find some college girls and be like, what's happening? She's a sophomore. She just recruited. Um, and yeah, she said it was crazy. So I want to know what the budget was for spirit week.
00:15:11
Speaker
I'll see if I can you take that as an action item. What I'll say if they will tell her that, um, I haven't really gotten in the nitty gritty. I feel like she'll visit whenever Margo's born. So I'll just try and dive in on that. Yeah. All right. We'll have her on the pod. Yeah. We'll throw her on when we talk to you about your, we'll be like, before we talk about Margo and her birth, let's get your, your niece, your cousin, your cousin. No, it's my sister-in-law.
00:15:41
Speaker
Oh, your sister-in-law. Let's get her on. Okay. Bring her on. She'll probably get kicked out. She's probably under NDA. Yeah. She's gonna be like, hell no. I'm not coming on your mom podcast. She's like, I'm not getting kicked out. It's the one episode that blows us up nationally. No, like, let's do it. Too funny.
00:16:02
Speaker
All right. Well, I feel like social media kind of ties into the topic we wanted to talk about today, which is a big one.
Exploring Mom Guilt
00:16:10
Speaker
Uh, I feel like we've been putting this one off cause it's like, it's a, it's a big nut to crack and it's mom guilt. It could go so many different ways. It means so many different things to different people, but to kick it off, I thought I would just cover like a few things. I hope we dig into during our conversation.
00:16:32
Speaker
And then I have like a first question for you guys to get us rolling. But an overall like theme that I've felt and like discussed with Andrew when we talk about mom guilt and how I experience it is like the difference between feeling guilty and feeling shame. So I definitely want to like dive into
00:16:54
Speaker
Interesting. Guilt being like, I've feel like I did a bad thing. Whereas shame, I feel like is more about your identity and like your intrinsic value. Like I am a bad mother. I'm a bad person. So I feel like we say mom guilt, but a lot of times what we're experiencing is shame.
00:17:17
Speaker
when it gets like really bad like that. But I wanted to cover some things that I wanted to cover. And then if there's anything that you guys specifically want to make sure we touch on, let's say that too, but mom guilt specifically for millennial women who, in my opinion, have a unique experience with like the cultural and societal pressures that we have. And like social media specifically, how mom guilt impacts our ability to be good and present moms,
00:17:47
Speaker
why it's bullshit and then your best anecdotes slash solutions to mom guilt so that we can get back to enjoying motherhood and feeling that joy. Was there any topics that when we got on the mic today, you guys were like, I really wanna make sure we touch on this with mom guilt. I feel like these are great. Yeah, this is deeper than I...
00:18:13
Speaker
was even like in a good way because I'm thinking like very surface level like mom guilt like I guess I'm just thinking about when I experience it but I feel like we're going to get into all of that and really go into how we experience it and when. Yeah. That was like literally my first question that I wanted to open up with for all three of us is to answer what is mom guilt
00:18:36
Speaker
feel like for you? In your body, when you are feeling that guilt come over, what does it feel like and how does it express itself? For something that I feel on a daily basis is picking great enough from daycare. I feel a sense of mom guilt if I'm not there to pick them up at a certain time.
00:19:00
Speaker
he's been there for this amount of hours. And I start thinking about it, like overthinking about it in my head. And I'm like, Oh my God, it's, it's two 30. I have to leave here in like 15 minutes. And I like start, I feel like a pit in my stomach. And Chris is always like, Whitney, he's fine. Like he doesn't understand time. Like he doesn't know how long he's been there, but it's something that creeps over me every single day. Like,
00:19:27
Speaker
just as an example. I don't know why but it's like I feel like I need to spend as much time with him as I can since I am part-time like me leaving him a daycare longer than he should be. It's like oh my gosh I'm a bad mom for doing that or something like I need to spend as much time with him as possible because I have the opportunity or something.
00:19:50
Speaker
So that's something that presents itself to me every single day. And Chris is like, I don't get it. He can stay till four or five. And I'm like, no, I would never allow that. I feel like I have a couple of different types of mom guilt, I feel.
00:20:07
Speaker
One of them is like, I guess they're all related, but one of them for me, like a big one is screen time.
Guilt of Screen Time for Kids
00:20:13
Speaker
Like we are a TV family. We watch a lot of TV. Like I grew up watching a lot of TV and don't get me wrong, like Alice isn't watching TV all day, but we let her watch movies and Disney movies. We let her watch Miss Rachel.
00:20:30
Speaker
I think I might have mentioned this on our eating episode. She eats a lot better when watching the TV. I know from reading literature and reading things on social media and seeing experts talk about this, that's a bad habit from the information I have absorbed.
00:20:53
Speaker
from the internet or whatever. Like don't let your kids eat in front of the TV. Even as an adult woman, people are like, you eat extra calories when you're mindlessly eating in front of the TV. Don't eat in front of the TV. So for me, it's like this icky feeling in my everyday life when shit is hard and I just need her to eat. Like I turn on the TV and I know maybe she'll take a couple extra bites or something like that.
00:21:17
Speaker
And I get this pit in my stomach that's like, I know this is wrong, and I shouldn't do it, but I can't help it. I don't know. And I feel like an insane amount of mom guilt.
00:21:33
Speaker
around screen time. And then on the flip side of that, I also think sometimes I feel like she's learned a lot from the TV. I think the reason sometimes I think the reason her language is so good and stuff is because I have let her watch TV. So it's like this weird internal battle of like, which one is it? Like, I don't know. I was going to say a lot of people feel the TV as like a guilt thing.
00:21:57
Speaker
A lot of people in my group chat are like, my kids are watching a lot of TV cause we're also tired. Like everyone's about to pop out another kid. Um, especially like being pregnant first trimester. You probably let her watch TV more because I mean, I'm going to love it. Yeah, watch TV Alice. That's what I did too. And I'm to that point again, but I don't know. I grew up in front of the TV and I still love it to this day. And I don't think I'm like weird or.
00:22:27
Speaker
Not social because of it. Yeah. A lot of people say like, oh, if people aren't talking at dinner like younger kids, it's they're like the iPad baby because they're used to eating out at restaurants with the iPad. So I'm like, OK, I don't want to like raise an iPad baby per se, but like. Right.
00:22:45
Speaker
if it gives me 30 minutes to enjoy a margarita by myself or like I'm being able to talk to Chris, it's almost like, is it worth it? I don't know. So that's a hard. I think it's like, I think screen time is a big one because it is helpful. Like it can be helpful, but then there's also just in general as moms who have social media and like we have the internet and we have,
00:23:13
Speaker
experts at our fingertips at all times. Like there's so much information that comes at us about how we should parent and what we should do and what's right and what's wrong. So it's like every decision you make is harder and harder to just listen to yourself and trust your own intuition and just be like,
00:23:35
Speaker
I think it's fine for them to watch TV for 30 minutes. Instead, it's like, no, but I read that article and like my other friend doesn't let them do TV and like, blah, blah, blah. It like ping pong so much. And then I feel like it's that inability to like trust yourself that feels weird, at least for me.
00:23:53
Speaker
A lot of times, I try and think of who is telling me this information? Is it the older generation because they didn't have that? They're thinking, oh, well, your kid shouldn't grow up that way because my kid didn't grow up that way. A lot of times, I think, is it just because they're older and they think it's wrong or is there actual studies out there that say your kid's going to be really messed up if they eat in front of the TV?
00:24:20
Speaker
Yeah. Right. I mean, is that out there yet? Like I feel like the kids that are the generation behind us are kind of the ones paving that way. Maybe they were the ones that had the iPads because we didn't. And look at them go. They're like kicking ass on computers and tick talk and everything. So.
00:24:44
Speaker
Yeah, but at the same time, they're kind of fucked up. I'm just to like present a different point of view. Like I do worry about too much screen time. Not that this is a screen time episode, but like.
00:24:55
Speaker
I worry about the access to social media and the need to feel like a screen is part of your life. That's why I do think there's a difference between, okay, you're going to watch a show for 30 minutes while we eat dinner and you're going to have unlimited access to this iPad where you play games and you interact with it.
00:25:17
Speaker
gives you constant dopamine. Like I almost feel like even with Andrew and I like watching a TV show now is like a wholesome activity because it's not social media. It's not like constant flipping to the next thing. It's like, no, you have to just like watch the show.
00:25:32
Speaker
No, I agree with you. Follow the story. I think that's where my head was at. I wasn't thinking of scrolling for a little kid. I was more so thinking just TV. Well, I know from a psychology point of view, the research on screen time from my own research, I also used to work for a child psychology office and they did a lot of content on their social media around screen time.
00:26:01
Speaker
And the research on it has changed a little bit. Like before they used to say, I think before 2010 or 2012 maybe, I don't remember the exact date, they used to say like no screen time before too. That was like the recommendation. Now they have changed that in that screen time is allowed.
00:26:20
Speaker
or not that it wasn't allowed, but you can do screen time, but they do suggest that parents are engaged and ask questions about the storyline or, Oh, what color is Bluey's hat? Or if you are engaged with them and really, so they're not just like mindlessly staring at colorful pictures.
00:26:43
Speaker
that actually it can be used as a learning tool and is not detrimental and all of those things. I think there are boundaries. So I try my very best if I do use screen time. Obviously, don't get me wrong. There are definitely times I'm like, I'm putting on 15 minutes of Ms. Rachel. I got to go poop. Okay. I don't know what you want me to say. And dad's not here. I don't know what you want me to do.
00:27:06
Speaker
That's a long poop. But I try also if we are using screen time to like use that mentality to like ask questions about the storyline or say what's that character's name or what color are her shoes or how many balls is she holding whatever to try and like spark that it's not just like a mindless thing. So I don't know. I think
00:27:36
Speaker
It's like there's mom guild and then there's also things that I do to like combat the mom guild. Yeah.
Social Media and Parenting Guilt
00:27:45
Speaker
I think what I was gonna say earlier about like another form of mom guilt I feel is definitely social media driven. I will be scrolling on social media and I'll see like an amazing creator who has like play ideas for 18 month olds and they're creating these like intricate sensory tables and like these amazing activities and I feel instantly like I'm not doing enough.
00:28:12
Speaker
which I feel like is part of what you said about the shame. I didn't label it as that until you said that Shannon, but truly it's like, God, I'm not a good enough mom. I'm a bad mom that I don't like have enough time to like build out these intricate play stations and like do all these activities and seeing what other moms or other caretakers or whatever are doing on social media can trigger
00:28:37
Speaker
mom guilt for me for sure that I'm just not doing enough or I'm not present enough. I feel like that speaks to one of the points that I wanted to discuss, which was like as millennial moms, like a lot of moms our age are working or we're just asked to do a lot. And even me as a stay at home mom, like I experienced mom guilt when I'm not like 100% enjoying my time.
00:29:06
Speaker
which is a lot of the time, you know, because I feel like it's a privilege and like I worked it out with my family that I'm able to do this. And like I chose basically, you know, I want to be really involved. And then there's days where I'm just like, I don't want to be really involved today. And then I feel so
00:29:25
Speaker
But then I know if I was at work, like you Candice, I would be feeling bad too. Like you literally can't win no matter what you're being asked to do. And I think it's just like as women who take care of our house, who take care of the kids, who often are asked or like need to bring in income, like no matter where you split your time, you're gonna be like sacrificing somewhere else. And I feel like that,
00:29:55
Speaker
maybe even puts more pressure. I wanted to ask you guys, like, Whitney, what you were saying about having to pick up great in at a specific time, like there's more is do you feel like there's more pressure on the time that you are spending with them because you're not with them all day? Like, oh, I haven't been with them all day, so now I need to make sure that this time is like the most extra special, like curated perfect time. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I mean, and a lot of times I feel kind of like you, Shannon, like I'll pick them up and I'm like,
00:30:25
Speaker
Oh my God, I'm definitely too early. I'm not feeling this right now. He has been overstimulated today. He's in a bad mood. This is going to be a fun five hours with him, just me, if Chris is working late or something. I'm like, oh no. That's when you feel bad.
00:30:47
Speaker
And like I said, I can't do a ton right now. I can't take him to the park and treat him extra special or take him on walks or take him to the pool by myself because I can't catch him if he runs and jumps in the pool. So it's like I just feel...
00:31:04
Speaker
like I'm not doing enough right now, how I'm not like 100% on app, even after I pick them up after daycare. Oh, like feeling like your time with them is like extra important because you don't spend all day with them.
00:31:20
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I feel that way like and it's it's hard like after I've worked all day like I'm Mentally exhausted like yeah it's so hard after my mom drops her off like to feel like I want to be engaged when like I want to veg, you know exactly yes, like wanting to take a break you feel like
00:31:46
Speaker
shouldn't be allowed. Like you have to put them in their needs first because they're small and they're growing and like it's your job to like form them and make them be the best like little people they can be. And I feel like there's also this for me this like weight that's like everything impacts how they're going to be as adults. When like really I think what matters is like do they feel safe? Do they feel loved? Are they fed?
00:32:17
Speaker
Yes, yes, yes, like them watching a tablet for 30 minutes isn't going to like make them a sociopath in the future. So it's like zooming out sometimes and being like, okay, maybe this wasn't like our very best morning, but like we're having a good week or like we're having a good year even helps take some of the pressure off of those like
00:32:44
Speaker
moments where you feel like you're not doing it right. Yeah. What is it with our generation? We're always worried about the repercussions that are going to happen to our kids. Is it because everyone's in therapy now?
00:32:57
Speaker
I don't know. And I think Whitney, you've said this before, I feel like I grew up in front of a TV. Yeah. And I feel like I'm a very productive, normal, driven human being that has social skills and all of those things. Granted, social media was not around. And I think the level of screens that are around today is definitely higher.
00:33:22
Speaker
But they're also an everyday part of everyone's lives, and that's not changing anytime soon. So to withhold screens of technology from your kid, there's a chance that it's only going to make them want it more once. You know what I mean? Oh my God, yeah. But so true.
00:33:39
Speaker
but my friends growing up that didn't have TVs would come to spend the night at my house and want to that that's all they wanted to do was watch TV because I had one and I was like okay this isn't fun like well I wanted to play but yeah they didn't have it it was it was like what they wanted to do so
00:33:58
Speaker
It's true. I just wonder and maybe I should ask my mom this and I definitely like did our moms experience this level of mom guilt that we do as millennials? I don't think so. I think they well I mean they didn't have anyone to compare to other than who was in their circle.
00:34:16
Speaker
And if they all were like on the same vibe and like hanging out at the pool with their kids every day, like you were doing amazing, right? Like you didn't see all the sensory bends and what every extra thing people are doing unless like.
00:34:31
Speaker
I don't know, moms are volunteer for PTA and you weren't. And it was like, well, that bitch Carol is doing the most or something. Like, who knows? Yeah. My mom was definitely like, my mom worked full time. She was the breadwinner of our family for most of the years of my childhood. And so my mom was the one talking about that bitch Carol who's doing too much. But it probably came.
00:34:57
Speaker
But it probably came from like a place of mom guilt or like shame or jealousy that that that woman. Yeah. And so I definitely think there was a level of mom guilt probably that she did experience. But I think there's a different like level of it today with the accessibility. We have to see what everyone else is doing. Like too much. It's too much.
00:35:24
Speaker
It's too much. It's too much. I also feel like maybe our moms had this but not our grandmothers and certainly not really anybody before them. I feel like the women who were growing up in the 60s and 70s, I guess that is our parents.
00:35:42
Speaker
They were women rights women's rights were huge women were going to work for the first time They were going to college and everyone was just like this is what we're fucking doing and it's badass and like you can focus on this and it's totally okay and now we're like having a swing back, but we're like in this like middle period where it's like well actually you have to do both and
00:36:03
Speaker
Like you can't pick one. You kind of have to do all of it, which puts people in a bad position because we're always multitasking and we're always like thinking about multiple things at once. And I feel like when I feel like a bad mom, a lot of the core of that is that I'm distracted or I'm focused on something else when I'm supposed to be like hanging out with TJ.
00:36:29
Speaker
I'm looking at my phone, I'm emailing, I'm like, you know, very distracted. And then it also makes him seem annoying to me. When I'm like focused on when I want to be doing something else, he's like in the room and wanting to play with me. I'm like, No, you're like, you're annoying. So
00:36:47
Speaker
I think Julia Stern posted this thing a few weeks ago that's really been sticking with me. It's like you can't be present, relaxed, and engaged at the same time. You can only be one thing. Just pick one of those things and be that thing for a chunk of time.
00:37:10
Speaker
And like yesterday I was having a bad day. I was with TJ all day. I had no help. And the morning was so chaotic and I got mad at people and I was like, not my best self. And I just felt like a bad mom. And I felt like I handled a lot of things in my personal life, like not well, just kind of like a bad person.
00:37:33
Speaker
And then in the afternoon, I was like, okay, TJ and I are going to have an outing and I'm only going to focus on him for like an hour and a half. And we went to the pool and I played with him and he and I like connected and engaged and we had like a great afternoon. And I was like, that's all I needed. Like that's all I'll remember for the day now is like, I picked a small amount of time to be engaged with him. And I feel like.
00:37:56
Speaker
Quality over quantity does help if you think about your time with your kids that way. If you're like, I'm going to carve out an hour to be super present and we're going to connect. And then the rest of the time, if they're watching TV.
00:38:13
Speaker
So be it, like we had a really good connection today. So so true. Like sometimes all it takes is like me sitting down and dumping out all of his little dinosaurs in us playing for a second.
Balancing Quality Time with Kids
00:38:25
Speaker
And he is like so ecstatic, just me engaging with him in that way. So I totally agree with that. Yeah. When I.
00:38:33
Speaker
I've talked about this with my therapist, surprise, surprise, mom guilt. And we talked about like the fix to mom guilt is just overall boundaries in all aspects of your life. So for me, like work tends to overlap into personal life, which causes guilt on both sides, not just mom guilt, but like employee guilt and like work guilt that like I didn't quite get to that today, but I also am not present.
00:39:00
Speaker
sitting here with alice because i'm checking emails or i'm responding to a client or something and it's like i have to set those work boundaries to where like f5 pm my phone is in my room and i can be engaged or it's even like boundaries around the screen time like i talked about that's a big mom guilt thing for me it's like okay we're allowed to watch this one
00:39:22
Speaker
we're going to watch an hour of this movie and then we're going to switch it off and we're going to go outside or we're going to do whatever. And it's like, it's like, I have to be proactively setting those boundaries in order to save myself, the mom guilt. And a lot of that's around social media too. Like if I hit a level of screen time that day for myself where I'm seeing too much shit that makes me feel shitty about how, what kind of mom I am, it's like, it's time.
00:39:49
Speaker
to put that away and I need to read a book instead or I need to whatever. When I think about mom guilt and like my suggestion to people, it's like to sit down and to take a look at the parts of your life that produce the mom guilt and to like set some boundaries around them that can help your mental health and protect you from that mom guilt a little bit, you know? I feel like, Candice, you're so good at like taking these big
00:40:18
Speaker
problems and like big feelings and like backtracking them and then coming up with like an organized solution of like how to approach them in your life. Like I know you've done this in your like personal assistant work before, but like, I just feel like you're really good at like, okay, what can I workshop? What can I write down? How can I organize my time so that I'm addressing these like overwhelming feelings? And I feel like that's what you just,
00:40:45
Speaker
You made me think of what triggers mine, honestly. That's such a compliment. Thank you. It's funny that you say that when I started to look for a therapist a year or so ago, it was so important to me that I picked a therapist that specifically gave me actionable things like that, workshop things. I didn't want a therapist who was just going to talk to me about my feelings. That's necessary, but I wanted someone
00:41:14
Speaker
that was going to give me strategic actionable things to workshop those problems in my life because that's ultimately what makes me feel better. So happy to offer up anything I learn and that has helped me. Yeah, I feel like the exercise of setting boundaries, the step before that is setting or thinking about what you want in life because
00:41:42
Speaker
We're talking about mom guilt specifically, but I feel like for women, it's like, okay, I have mom guilt. I'm going to focus all my time on my child. And then what do you have? Work guilt. And then what do you have? Guilt because you're not being present with your partner or you're letting your body go and you're not eating healthy. It's just like, no matter where you go, there's somewhere that's lacking. So by being like, these are all the things,
00:42:08
Speaker
I'm really focused on, you know, my health, my child and my relationship this week. And I'm going to like set up boundaries, aka like time blocks or some kind of outline where it's like, I don't have to feel guilty about sacrificing in these other areas because I've pointed out that this is what I'm focusing on now.
00:42:28
Speaker
Yep, totally. I almost brought this up earlier, but I was like, wait, this is a mom guilt episode. I shouldn't, but it's relevant because the same way I scroll social media and see moms with their sensory tables and like their activities and feel guilty. I also see the 20 somethings that don't have kids yet that have, they're like, follow my Sunday reset self care routine.
00:42:48
Speaker
And they like, you know what I mean? Walk you through all the things they did that day that like resets their life. And then I feel guilty that I'm not taking care of myself enough or I don't have time to like go to the Pilates class and then get a smoothie and like do this, all the shit. And it's like, no matter where I turn on the internet, there's something I'm not doing enough of.
00:43:10
Speaker
And that is exactly what they talk about in the movie Barbie and why I balled my fucking eyes out because it's just so exhausting to be a woman and it's so complex. There are so many facets of our being in our life that we have to keep like prim and proper and perfect and like it's so exhausting. It's so exhausting. Yeah.
00:43:36
Speaker
I'm so glad you mentioned that with the Sunday reset, because nothing like pisses me off more than watching a 25 year old do their morning routine starting at 9am that ends at 11am. And I'm like, bitch, I've lived three lives.
00:43:48
Speaker
during that time. But at the same time, I do feel like I need some grounding in my life right now. I feel very up in the air, frenetic energy where I'm just like, I need to ground, I need to journal, and I just
00:44:08
Speaker
I'm not doing it. I'm just not doing it. Yeah, you're not making this space. Yeah. God, this is my biggest struggle right now in life, I feel like is just my energy of all the different facets of my life is not balanced.
00:44:25
Speaker
I don't know. There is a life coach I follow who I love. Her name is Lindsay Mango. You should all go look her up. And she has a reel she posted recently that has stuck with me. And she's like, if you could wave a magic wand, form the week of your dreams. And I'm talking about normal day. I'm not saying we go to
00:44:50
Speaker
You know the Moroccan islands like I'm not saying that I'm saying like your everyday week if you could wave a magic wand Like what would it look like and in my magic week? Like I have like a strip like all of its balance like there's a little bit of time for me There's a little bit of time for Alice There's a little bit of time for it and it's like it's so hard to find that balance and it's honestly overwhelming to even like think about how you create that and how is it
00:45:18
Speaker
realistic because there's always shit that's happening that throws everything off balance. Last week my car just shut down in the middle of the road and it's like that completely threw off the rest of my day and my week and then I had to put off work things and then tomorrow's day is off balance with work. It's like I struggle with the balance of it all.
00:45:37
Speaker
So true. It's hard when we're pregnant too. Like I feel like my best self when I'm not pregnant obviously and like once green got a little older and I created that routine for myself again where I would work out which makes me feel like my best self where I was like I had something to focus on.
00:45:59
Speaker
like getting my body back and then going to pick up grade and was like, I was already in such a better mood because I did something for myself that day. Whereas now I'm just kind of like just a fat pregnant lady sitting on my couch waiting for the days to go by until I have a baby. So it's just like, I feel
00:46:17
Speaker
Like you said, shame just, it's just not sitting right right now. Like the balance is definitely off. Yeah. So yeah. Well, you're doing the Lord's work. Literally the baby is growing inside you. We all are. So we all give ourselves a little bit of a break, but I wanted to ask, I feel like we've kind of touched on this a little bit, but the anecdote question, like,
00:46:43
Speaker
What would you say is your best piece of advice or the thing that you do that makes you feel like freed of your mom guilt and able to get back to enjoying motherhood? Mine is definitely what I talked about. I like, like after you put your baby to bed tonight, sit down and think about the things that trigger your mom guilt. Like for me, screen time, like answering emails while I'm trying to spend time with Alice, whatever those things may look like.
00:47:12
Speaker
and try to set some boundaries around those and hold them firm as firm as they can be to try to set yourself up to not experience that mom guilt. For me like almost always the answer to everything is just like mindfulness and that's like exactly what this is like having some mindfulness
00:47:33
Speaker
around what triggers me and how I can combat it. I feel like that's the only thing that works for me. And also for those boundaries to be realistic, I think it would be so unrealistic for me to say we're never going to watch screens. That's just a part of our life.
00:47:53
Speaker
I love watching Tangled with her. I genuinely enjoy that. It's one of my favorite things. So it's like make those boundaries realistic for your life, but also protect your mom guilt at the same time. Yeah. And trust yourself. Alice loves doing that too. If it's something that you're both enjoying and she's
00:48:20
Speaker
healthy, like, yeah, I don't know. Just, I don't know, feel empowered to, to listen to your own gut and not put all the voices are saying for sure. Yeah.
00:48:30
Speaker
I feel like for me, we touched on, but, um, just succumbing to the play time and letting go of maybe the tasks or things I had in place. Like I think maybe the biggest shame is when like my biggest trigger is when my house is not clean. Yeah.
00:48:50
Speaker
That's a trigger of mine too for sure. It releases like so much anger and for when Graydon comes home and like I said dumps the dinosaurs and just creates a bigger mess. I get on edge like pretty bad and that's when I can have an explosive moment.
00:49:08
Speaker
So I think just allowing myself to succumb to, all right, he dumped the dinosaurs. I'm going to sit down and have an enjoyable moment with him versus me trying to hurry and pick things up because my anxiety spiking that my house is a mess. Um, so hard. That's like probably my biggest trigger and Chris doesn't get it. He's like, the house is fine. I'm like, no, it is not. This is where I work.
00:49:36
Speaker
This is where I'm at.
Communicating Household Responsibilities
00:49:39
Speaker
100% of my time is in my house. And when things are all over the place, I feel chaotic. So yeah, just, and having more of a routine, like how you do it, Shannon, like this afternoon, Chris said, he's not coming home till late. He's working a late shift. So I've already thought.
00:49:58
Speaker
I'm going to pick rain up and we're going to waste an hour at Costco. And then by four 30, like we'll come home, we'll play. I'll make him dinner, blah, blah, blah. Like I have something in mind and that is already like calming to me versus just like coming home and dumping him and being like, guess I'll turn on the freaking TV. Cause I can't go outside and
00:50:20
Speaker
So just having sort of like an idea in mind this afternoon is already like calming me. So yeah. Yeah. I agree. I think along with like the organization setting boundaries and just feeling like clear in your own goals and like trusting your own decisions.
00:50:38
Speaker
like communicating with your partner and asking for help when you need it. And then also just like talking to your friends like this. I feel like when you know that other people deal with the same thing, because I mean, it's called mom guilt for a reason. It's like ubiquitous. Everybody feels it and everyone knows it's bullshit, but everybody feels it. It's like, OK.
00:51:01
Speaker
It's okay. We're gonna get through it. And then the other thing is just reframing. When I'm feeling like I'm not doing the right things, just reframing. I haven't been the best mom today, but I am a great mom. Just because I don't feel like I've done the best job or I've made a couple mistakes. That doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad person.
00:51:27
Speaker
just concourse cracked. The week has been well. Yep. I need to write that on a post-it note and hang it. No, I'm not saying I'm I'm I'm someone who like writes affirmations and puts them in front of my desk. And that's a good one. It's like, even if I'm not the best mom today, I am a great mom. Like today doesn't as a whole. Yeah. Yeah. Like Brené Brown says.
00:51:51
Speaker
She says, I made a mistake. I'm not a mistake. Taking the identity out of your mistakes. She's like, yeah, I made a mistake, but everyone does. The saying is, no one told you that being a mom
00:52:08
Speaker
Is this hard, but it's only hard for the moms that care the most and are doing the most and trying to do their best for their child. So that's why we feel that way all the time. It's because we want the best for them.
00:52:23
Speaker
Also, you said something really good, Shannon. You said about just communicating with your partner. So don't get me wrong, the house gives me anxiety when it's messy, but Vinny is actually definitely neater than me and is a need for you.
00:52:40
Speaker
I don't know. Present cons, present cons. Well, he grew up with a mom who didn't work and like is a neat freak. And so like his house was never dirty growing up. And so something I used that used to make me feel a lot of mom guilt was like, I would work all day. I'd be stuck at this desk and then Alice would come home and I'd want to be present with her. So I didn't have time to like pick up or maybe put the dishes away or like whatever. And Vinnie would come home.
00:53:07
Speaker
And I could sense his disappointment. I'm not kidding. Like I could feel his disappointment that maybe I didn't have time to pick up or the blankets on the couch are not like folded or whatever it is. And I just started to communicate better about, hey, I had a really busy day. I didn't have time to pick up after Alice goes to bed. Maybe we can tag team it or something. And that diffuses everything. Like, yeah.
00:53:35
Speaker
Or maybe I was supposed to prep dinner and I didn't have time to like go and get chicken from the store or something. Just sending that text to be like, Hey, my day was back to back. Like I didn't have time to do this. Like we're going to order pizza tonight or whatever. He is always super sweet. And he's like, they, he's like, no problem, babe, like whatever. And it's just about the communication and like letting him know before he gets here that like, it's not.
00:54:03
Speaker
fine and dandy in here. Shit was crazy to say. Shit was crazy. And like that's okay and it's really just about like keeping that communication open to like
00:54:13
Speaker
save you that guilt because I would always feel guilty when he would come home and it'd be a mess. And I'd be like, I'm sorry. I think at this point, Chris understands how quickly things can turn. It could be clean one second and then it's like, and you're like, yeah. I mean, you have to clean the house. If you work from home or your home during the day, like I cleaned the kitchen three times a day, I mean, I've actually started being like,
00:54:36
Speaker
Why am I cleaning the kitchen after lunch? I'm going to clean it after dinner. Oh, for sure. Why am I doing this? Yeah, some of the letting go of the expectations of perfection, let your partner know, and then also free yourself of that burden.
00:54:51
Speaker
we can't do it all. Yeah. No, we can't. I love this podcast so much. It's truly like just so makes me feel so seen. And I love the messages we get from everyone. And I feel like this is an episode where people are going to be like, yes. I mean, yeah, there's so much more to cover too. Like, yeah, I'm sure we'll have a bajillion other episodes about
00:55:17
Speaker
Yeah, I'm already thinking like you feel guilty going on date night because you have to get a babysitter and then you have a pit about that. And it's just like, oh, my God, the babysitter feeling like introducing new babysitter. Oh, yeah. It's just like there's so much to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. Or even like with me, with my mom, like I feel guilty that my mom watches her like almost more than I do five days a week. Like I feel guilty that I'm like, even though she tells me it's the greatest joy of her life, I still feel freaking guilty about it. Yeah. Well,
00:55:46
Speaker
I loved that chat. Thank you guys for opening up, and I think it was a really good one. Yeah, I think so too. Love you guys. We're doing our best. Love you. Love you. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday, and don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page, so make sure you're following along over there. All right, gotta go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.