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Unlocking Taboo: Exploring the Depths of Kink (1-9)
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In this riveting episode of the "Fun with Sex Podcast," we dive headfirst into the tantalizing world of kink. Join us as we explore the depths of consensual adult relationships, shedding light on the importance of mutual respect and clear boundaries. We break down the various types of dominant and submissive dynamics, helping you understand the intricate dance of power and pleasure.
Our journey continues with a thorough definition of kink and an insightful discussion on power exchanges, demystifying these often misunderstood concepts. Plus, special guest Lola shares her personal experiences and expert insights from her adventures in the kink world, offering a firsthand perspective that's both enlightening and exciting.
Whether you're curious about kink or looking to deepen your understanding, this episode is your gateway to unlocking the taboo and embracing the extraordinary.
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Transcript
Introduction to Kink Dynamics
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, this is John with the fun to a sex podcast and I'm here with Lola and today we're talking about King Lola's a former pro down who's been in King dynamics for how long nearly a decade nearly. Oh my god Yeah, I have been exploring King since I was 18 so it's been about six or seven years give or take okay, I
00:00:25
Speaker
So since this is an introduction episode, what does kink mean to you? And I don't need a Webster dictionary definition, but what does it personally mean to you? So kink to me means something that's outside of the ordinary when it comes to sex and sexuality, also outside of the, quote unquote, vanilla lifestyle period, I feel like is a good way to put it.
00:00:53
Speaker
Okay. So like kink is very culturally dependent, is that what you're saying?
Cultural Perceptions of Kink
00:00:58
Speaker
Yeah. So like the way that I view it as something that's kinky here in the States may not be kinky in other countries. I'm thinking like Germany in particular that has a very strong kink culture, especially in Berlin. Whereas like something that's not very kinky here in like big cities like Chicago,
00:01:15
Speaker
maybe more kinky more rural neighborhoods especially more like pure pure tentacle communities that makes sense yeah completely like i know people where they view that like doggy style as like very kinky sex it's just like i don't know like i wouldn't say that for me but like that's why kink is so individually dependent yeah it totally is like
00:01:36
Speaker
for me being spanked on my butt is not very kinky, but to a lot of people that is the most kinky they'll ever get, which is completely fine.
Exploring Non-Sexual Kink
00:01:48
Speaker
But yeah, it's very individual, individualized and like how everyone explores things around that topic is very different. I think another misnomer for kink is that, is it always sexual? It is not. Okay.
00:02:05
Speaker
I feel like most of my kink experiences, especially when it comes to more dominant, submissive relationships in my life, actually are non-sexual. Or if I participate in a scene, which a scene is a form of play that happens with people who are in the lifestyle, most of my scenes are not sexual.
00:02:33
Speaker
I've heard a really interesting quote and I would love to hear your opinion on it. It goes, kink is always relational, but only sometimes sexual. How do you feel about that quote? I feel like that's very true. Honestly, I could agree with that a lot. I feel like a lot of people in the lifestyle would agree with that as well. Would you mind defining the lifestyle one?
00:02:53
Speaker
Yeah.
Understanding Power Exchange
00:02:54
Speaker
Um, the lifestyle, like I said, is like pretty much just anything that's out of the ordinary. Um, people who have like alternative sexual relationship to like heteronormative and monogamous and like vanilla culture, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. There's a wide range of like non-monogamous to like power exchange dynamics. Exactly. I guess that's an interesting question is like,
00:03:19
Speaker
How would you define that? How would you tell? I've never heard of that word before. How would you explain that to me?
00:03:24
Speaker
So a power exchange is when there is one person or it can be multiple people as well who kind of take control over another person. So it would be dominant and submissive. And it could be anywhere between just like in the bedroom or it could be day to day like 24 seven dynamics also play into that. But it's,
00:03:53
Speaker
giving power to another person. That would be what, like how I would describe as a power exchange dynamic would be. So a couple of things I want to build off of that is like, one, how do you, how does that look?
Ethical Kink vs. Media Misconceptions
00:04:10
Speaker
And two, for power dynamics, are they exploitive or is it unfair in the relationship? A lot of people view
00:04:21
Speaker
When they think of BDSM, they think of the movie Fifty Shades of Grey. And BDSM is a sub-category of kink. Bondage, domination, sadistic, and... Masochistic. Masochistic, yep. Oh my goodness, wait, why did I just lose my... Did I misquote BDSM? Or did I get it right? Yeah, I got it right, okay.
00:04:46
Speaker
Vonage, dominance, submissive, and mass kissing. Yes, here we go. Yeah. Can you repeat your question? Oh, so like, a lot of people view BDSM as exploitive. I think they've seen Fifty Shades of Grey one time and they're like, oh, this is an unethical relationship. Is this what all King James look like?
00:05:08
Speaker
Oh, definitely not. So what I will say is that 50 shades of gray, as much as it has helped people to learn about what BDSM is and about what kink is, that is not a very good or healthy thing to look at when you are discussing or talking about or thinking about doing kink or power exchange dynamics. A lot of it
00:05:35
Speaker
is very unethical what happened in that movie. I forgot the mean girl's name, but she definitely at first was not super into the idea of having that sort of dynamic. But it's not like that with pretty much anybody that I've met at all. My thing is like two things could be true at once. Yeah. I think Fifty Shades of Grey
00:06:04
Speaker
did a really good job of bringing kink relationships to the public eye.
Feminism and BDSM
00:06:11
Speaker
And for a lot of people who's been repressing it or who's been desiring power dynamics and power exchanges without having the language or the experience to be able to say that this is what I want in a relationship. It allows people to have that introductory into it.
00:06:29
Speaker
while also saying that the way that they present BDSM and power dynamics in the movie is unethical. Yeah, I completely agree. Yeah. And I think that like the thing that I think people remember about power exchange is that to exchange power, both parties have to come from a place of power. Yep. Yeah. And like working as a Dom, is that something that like you've learned in your experience or? I feel like I learned more about my power as
00:06:59
Speaker
a submissive. Explain that. That's an interesting topic. Because you will hear this a lot with people in the community where it's like the submissives hold the most amount of power. What does that mean? I get to pretty much decide what I am and not into. Anytime there's something going on where I feel uncomfortable, I am
00:07:25
Speaker
like able to say that I don't like that or that can stop. I give my Dom the control to control my life, if that makes sense. Like in my day to day life, like I give my partner the ability to help me make decisions for myself when I need that.
00:07:50
Speaker
That's not all the time. Like I don't need him to make those decisions for me all the time. If that makes sense. I do. And I think like an important part about that conversation I mentioned is that you have to come from a place of power to give. Yeah. Yeah. Because like if you're not able to give that power to consent to these relationships, then it's not power exchange. It's just abuse. Yeah. And I think that like when that happens, it's no longer BDSM or it's no longer kink. It becomes just an abusive relationship.
00:08:18
Speaker
Oh, for sure. Definitely. Yeah. So like, I guess moving on to the next category, voting off of this, there's a lot of women who say that they desire BDSM relationships, but they feel like it doesn't align with their politics as a feminist. What would you say to them?
00:08:36
Speaker
I say, this is a pretty hot topic for me. Sorry to just put you on the spot. No, you're not putting me on the spot. So I identify as a feminist. The thing about feminism is that it is about allowing anybody to do what makes them happy, right?
00:09:00
Speaker
Kink and BDSM and power exchange is something that fulfills me and makes me happy as a woman. I am somebody who is a switch, so that means I am dominant and submissive. Right now, I am more submissive with my male partner. That does not mean that he is abusing me. It does not mean that I don't allow him to take that power in my life. But it is freeing to me
00:09:27
Speaker
to be able to have somebody who is willing to take that role in my life. And the whole thing is about consent. If I am consenting to something, then I don't see why anybody cares. And it may be like not my place as a man to say this, but I think a core philosophy of feminism is that women should be able to have the choice to make whatever makes their lives better.
00:09:53
Speaker
Stigma free and shame free. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I again, like I don't know if this is my place as a man to say that but or say this, but I think it's almost anti-feminist to
Queer Inclusion in Kink
00:10:02
Speaker
shame women for wanting something for their individual lives. No, I completely agree. I don't think that's that shouldn't be a controversial thing to say, like that women shouldn't be able to decide what fulfills them sexually or even non sexually. Like, yeah, I like getting my ass beat in the bedroom.
00:10:21
Speaker
Like yeah, why does that matter to other people? What like I do in the bedroom that I consent to like I think Athena like a lot of people miss that you also said you're a switch Yeah, so like it's not just the heteronormative 50 days of gray where You're submitting to a man, but you also dominate man, correct? I Most the time I am dominating that
00:10:46
Speaker
And you've also been dominated by women, ISO? I have been dominated by women, and I also dominate women. And they then send anybody in between. Also say gender non-conforming people. Yeah. It's just, to me, as a switch, it's about the vibes and the chemistry that I really play off with. Yeah, I don't just fully submit to men. I also like what
00:11:11
Speaker
we would call in the lifestyle, I am a brat. So it takes some time for me to submit to people. So it's not just like we live this super strict, like, oh, 1950s house, which is a cake. Yeah. That is very, a very fair thing to have. And I love people who do it, but I am not that girl.
00:11:36
Speaker
So there's two topics that I want to talk to you about. One, we kind of touched on both of these already. One, the heteronormativity, when people assume kink, they always assume... That it's a male dom and a female submissive. Yeah, when queer people are overrepresented in kink communities, and if anybody has ever been to
00:11:56
Speaker
a king community munch or a king community gathering there's a lot of like same gender and gender variant people there who are in different dynamics of each other yep not to mention you see like a lot of the inverse of the stereotypical
00:12:12
Speaker
men Dom woman sub you see a lot of like film Dom so if like there's sub men partners you also see a lot of like same man or men power exchange women or women power in exchange and I think it's more about the individual than about the gender and like don't get me wrong I think that we all have to unpack that
00:12:31
Speaker
patriarchy and gender expectations probably plays into that a lot. Especially in like cis men dominating cis women relationships. But I don't think that's the end all be all of why everybody gets into a power exchange relationships and like all power exchange relationships don't look identical.
00:12:48
Speaker
Exactly. What I will say is that some people just like being submissive and some people like being dominant and some people like doing both. That's it. There's no
00:13:04
Speaker
is the word I'm looking for. It's not as structured, I guess you can say, as people think. Most of the people I know in the lifestyle are some sort of queer on the spectrum of
00:13:22
Speaker
Weirdness, I guess. Yeah, something that's not strict. Something that's not, yeah. The other thing that I've heard you off camera talk about and other film doms talk about is that there's a lot of submissive men in the world. It's less visual because a lot of them have internalized shame about being submissive to a woman. But behind closed doors, especially on field profiles or other dating apps where the woman says, hey, I'm a dom, they get a lot of message from men saying, hey, I want to submit to you.
Power and Submission in Society
00:13:51
Speaker
Yeah, a lot of men in my experience really enjoy being submissive in their personal lives because of the fact that they are held to the standard in society to be more dominant. A lot of the people who have submitted to me or who have been my slaves, which is a full 24-7 dynamic,
00:14:19
Speaker
they basically just do what I say most of the time. They are people who hold a lot of power in society and they just want to not think for a little bit and that helps them feel more balanced and have not as many societal expectations anymore.
00:14:42
Speaker
I guess rapid fire questions. I'm going to throw out vocabulary because this was an amazing conversation, but I had a whole list of things I want to talk to you about that we didn't get to talk. And we're also doing a second episode next. So anything that we don't have time in like a half an hour, we can spill over. But first, would you mind defining 24 seven dynamic versus strictly in a bedroom? Yeah. So 24 seven dynamic would be something that happens 24 seven or all of the time. Um,
00:15:10
Speaker
And then in the bedroom, the only dynamic is, I feel like it's kind of self-explanatory, like just in the bedroom when it's something that is sexual. Not everybody who is kinky only does it in the bedroom. Not everybody who is kinky only does it 24 seven. There's no real like rules to it. It's just whatever fits everyone's lifestyle.
00:15:36
Speaker
And I think that the 24-7 dynamic is really a lot more relational than sexual. It is. Because it can't possibly be sexual at all hours of the day. Yeah. And it's more about one person saying, hey, I trust you to take the lead in my life. And the other person says, hey, I love that you trust me to do this. And I'm not going to take advantage of the trust you put in front of me. And I'm going to try my best to lead both of us in a way that's mutually beneficial for everybody involved. Yeah, no, for real.
00:16:06
Speaker
I have nothing else to say to that. You're so good at this. You know, I only have a podcast. So next question, you've used these terms already just to like define them. Uh, what is a daddy or mommy dominant? How would you describe
Caregiver and Service Dynamics
00:16:22
Speaker
that one? So daddy and mommy is, um, what I would like to call a caregiver or a caretaker, somebody who looks after and nurtures somebody, not that.
00:16:35
Speaker
other um categories and kink world does not like mistresses and masters can also look for look after and care for their slaves and submissives but um daddy and mommies tend to be more nurturing and i would like to say most of the time in my experience tend to be more on the soft dom scale of things it's more soft it's lighter um
00:17:04
Speaker
a little bit more loving and less like punitively and punishing. Yeah. Punishing. Yeah. So I want to match these types of doms up to like the different types of selves that match with them. So how would you just find a princess or a prince as a sub? Um, so a princess or a prince. So I also identify as a princess. Um, for me it is, I like to be taken care of. I,
00:17:33
Speaker
like to have doors held open for me. I like to have baths ran for me. I like to be able to go to my job and ask them to pick out clothes for me and stuff like that.
00:17:51
Speaker
I like to be spoiled a little bit. And then if I am spoiled and if I am nurtured and loved like a little plant, I will submit to you. Like I will get on my knees. I will do whatever. I'll clean the house. Like I don't care. Like if you were taking care of me, um, then I will take care of you back. I feel like a lot of
00:18:12
Speaker
princesses and princes will agree with that. But that is also a very controversial term in BDSM and kink. I didn't know that. Yeah, because a lot of people will say that it's topping from the bottom. Okay.
00:18:28
Speaker
But I don't agree with that at all, obviously. I just think it's a different form of submission. A lot of people think like, oh, well, if you're a sub, then you should just submit. And it's like, no, not everyone deserves my submission. You should have to work for it. I think that's a very important part of the conversation is that
00:18:49
Speaker
There's requirements out of the DOM, too. Yeah, I think a lot of people when they think of BDSM and like power dynamics, they think that like, it's this person who the dominant can just do whatever that they want to do. Yeah. And the submissive just has to like accept that. But like,
00:19:07
Speaker
We can talk about this more in the next episode because contracts and negotiations that goes into BDSM is an entire conversation. But the sub also requires things back from the dominant. It is truly a power exchange that exchanges responsibility. The Dom has to take care of the sub. Yeah. That's a lot of responsibility. It is a lot of responsibility.
Emotional Responsibility in D/s Relationships
00:19:27
Speaker
I had a slave for two years. You had a slave for two years? Yes.
00:19:31
Speaker
And God, I love that boy so much. And I would set him down and help him with his homework and nurture him and ask him how much water he drank that day and like made sure that he was okay and always asking how he felt. I was the first person who ever like talked to him about his feelings.
00:19:55
Speaker
And that's a lot of responsibility to have. A lot of people don't realize that it tends to be a very emotional thing when you're in a dominant, submissive relationship. So the next category I want to ask you about is a brat. And like these terms are not mutually exclusive and these terms are also not gendered. Anyone can be a brat. Anyone can be a brat.
00:20:22
Speaker
I'm just a little firecracker. I feel like a lot of brass or little firecrackers like will tell their Dom's like, fuck you in the middle of a session.
Complexities of Brat Dynamics
00:20:33
Speaker
Just like that kind of challenging, like rougher type of play or dynamic or relationship, like, um,
00:20:47
Speaker
Adam tells you to do something. You're like, make me like that's a very bratty thing to do. Adam has to earn the submission. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of I feel like Princess and Brat kind of like play together a lot, especially in my experience or like with me personally. But yeah, just like not fully submitting right away is a very like bratty thing to do or not following rules.
00:21:17
Speaker
or just like purposefully breaking rules, which is a whole nother conversation that we need to have about like rules and negotiation. Yeah, that's what we have a lot of stuff to talk about. We have a lot of stuff to talk about. This is a controversial one, but a little. So a little is somebody who age-regresses or participates in age play.
Age Play Misconceptions
00:21:41
Speaker
A lot of people think that
00:21:45
Speaker
daddy little or mommy little dynamics are inherently sexual, which most of the time they are not. Yeah. Um, even if they are, who cares if they're consenting adults. Um, it's just something that makes you feel taken care of, taken care of. Yeah. Or like being able to,
00:22:15
Speaker
feel like a kid again. I age regress a lot, like I have a daddy.
00:22:24
Speaker
That is our dynamic. He watches movies with me, like cartoons, and lets me color. And I wear onesies and all that stuff. But it's not, for most people, not sexual. It's just another form of power exchange. It's just relational. A lot of us have to deal with trauma. It's a really, really hard world outside and allow some of us to say, hey,
00:22:48
Speaker
I can mentally take myself back to a time when things were easier and I can just relax and not have to worry about the stresses of like being in a doll. Yeah. And like the ever approaching climate situation. Yeah. So, you know, like, and I think that like people need to understand that.
00:23:05
Speaker
Kink is not sexual for a lot of people. It's a really fun fact that like people don't know is that asexual people fantasize about kink as much as people who are sexual. Yeah. Which is like there means so there's more there in these relationships and just I need a new way to get my rocks off. And if like somebody is just saying like I want a more fun way to get my rocks off.
00:23:27
Speaker
Who cares? Who cares? My rule is that as long as it's consenting adults who are enthusiastically into it, I don't care what you do with your body. Yeah. And I think that is a good thing to take away from this, if anybody takes away anything, is mind your business. Basically. If it comes to consenting adults. Who cares? Who cares?
00:23:51
Speaker
I guess moving on out of like Daddy Mom, Mommy, Dom, Sal, Master and Mistress. How would you describe that? So I feel like Master and Mistress and the submissive of Master and Mistress would be a slave or just a submissive.
00:24:14
Speaker
It tends to go more into like the eight or not each play. Oh my goodness. Excuse me. The edge play where it's tends to be more strict, more structured. A lot of slaves don't really get a lot of say in their life. Yeah. That is a very intense dynamic to have.
00:24:41
Speaker
And as somebody who was in a Mr. Slave dynamic, it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, but God did it teach me a lot.
00:24:48
Speaker
So you had a mistress, correct? I had a mistress, yes. Gotcha. And I think this is the one that when people think of 50 Shades of Grey. It's the most common thing that they think of. Yeah, where you have the person who says, ma'am or sir to the person. And they have the list of rules that they have to follow. There's a whole bunch of protocols. Protocols, yeah. And rituals and things like that. And I think this one is,
00:25:15
Speaker
You're still more of a caretaker than a person who's a sadist and like we can get into that next, but you're less of a caretaker than like a daddy mommy and you're more of a
00:25:27
Speaker
instructor leader type. Yeah. We're not as much comforting as much as you're leading. And sometimes that looks more like punishments. Yeah. Yeah. And again, these are adults consenting to be punished. Yes. Just like adults consent to go to the military where they're punished. And we don't find that weird. So why don't we find this weird? I mean, go off, John. So I guess the last one I want to ask you about is the sadist and the masochist.
Sadism, Masochism, and Enjoyment
00:25:53
Speaker
So sadists are people who enjoy inflicting pain and masochists are people who enjoy receiving pain. When it comes to play, I tend to be more of a sadomasochist because I am a switch and I enjoy both. I feel like a big misconception when people get into kink is that they have to like pain. Yeah. And you do not at all.
00:26:20
Speaker
It could be anything from sensory things like being fat chocolate while you were in bed together, which is so fun or feathers or blindfolds or just like bondage with your hands tied behind your back all the way to being
00:26:44
Speaker
beat so much that you believe. There is a huge range of things that you can be into and you don't only have to be into pain to enjoy BDSM. And I think people, the misconception that people get is they don't understand that there's a difference between pain and suffering. Yeah. And a lot of people enjoy the pain and the endorphins that they get from this excitement.
00:27:11
Speaker
Think about the people who are into like long marathon running. That is something I would never do. Yeah, because it's a physically painful thing or very intense workouts. But they're not suffering because they signed up to be there. They enjoy it. And I think when people hear about people getting
00:27:29
Speaker
spanked or whipped in BDSM, they misconstrue that pain equates suffering. Yeah. Or that's not true. A lot of people enjoy the stimulation that they get from pain. They enjoy the sensory that comes from pain. Exactly. And I think, don't quote me because this might be incorrect. The pain and pleasure receptors in our brain are very close. And for a lot of people, they tend to get intertwined.
00:27:57
Speaker
So for those people, something that can hurt to somebody else feels good to you. Yeah. And also, I think it's stupid to believe that there's seven billion people on a planet and everybody is going to relate to
00:28:17
Speaker
pain and sex the same way.
Discussing Personal Kink Preferences
00:28:19
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I think that like some people are going to enjoy it. Some people are going to hate it. And that's why we need to have conversations to say, Hey, what do you like in sex? Exactly. And that is a very important thing to talk about, especially with your partners. Um, I feel like it is, it should be the first thing you talk about when you are dating people.
00:28:40
Speaker
is what you were into sexually or if you were even sexual period because a lot of people will get into relationships where they don't like mesh sexually, which causes a lot of tension. I think we can start the next conversation directly at negotiations. Yeah. Yeah. But for right now, thank you. This has been the episode on the introduction of Kate. Have a nice one. Have a nice night.