Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Unlocking Pleasure: Bridging the Orgasm Gap - A Guide for Men (1-7)
147 Plays2 years ago
In this enlightening episode, we delve into the intricacies of sexual pleasure, focusing on how men can elevate their partners' satisfaction. We explore the concept of decentering the penis, shifting the narrative from a solely penetrative focus to a holistic approach that prioritizes women's pleasure. Our discussion unpacks the transformative potential of incorporating vibrators into sexual encounters, highlighting their role in enhancing pleasure for both partners.
With a blend of expert insights and personal anecdotes, we navigate the complexities of the orgasm gap, shedding light on the disparities in climax frequency between men and women. By dismantling myths and misconceptions surrounding female pleasure, we empower listeners with practical strategies to bridge this gap and cultivate more fulfilling sexual experiences. Join us as we embark on a journey toward mutual pleasure and intimacy, one conversation at a time.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and the Orgasm Gap
00:00:01
Speaker
Hi, this is John with the fun with sex podcast and I'm not here with Natalie this time. I'm here with a different co-host. Hi, I'm Logan. So Logan's here to talk about how men can have more pleasurable sex with women. How to focus women's pleasure. A 2017 pub may up study came out that women orgasm 30% of the time less than men and committed relationships.
00:00:30
Speaker
The numbers for hookup culture is even worse. And a more recent study by Dirac says that women orgasm 40% less than men in committed relationship.
Why Lesbian Relationships Have Less Orgasm Gap
00:00:41
Speaker
This phenomenon is known as the orgasm gap. And a lot of times people blame women's anatomy and the fact that, or the idea that women can orgasm to explain the orgasm gap. But when you look at lesbian relationships, the orgasm gap kind of disappears.
00:01:00
Speaker
While men orgasm either straight or gay, in the mid 90s, percent of the time consistently while in the relationship, women in lesbian relationships orgasm around 89% of the time. Much different than the 30 to 40% of the gap that's in heterosexual relationships.
Building Intimacy Beyond Orgasm
00:01:19
Speaker
So I brought on Logan here to talk about how we can kinda close that gap and have women enjoy sex a lot more.
00:01:27
Speaker
So just starting off, if you were talking to somebody who is having problems helping their partner orgasm, what would be the first major tip that you would tell them? What should you center or focus on if you want to improve your sex? Don't focus on the orgasm. Don't focus on the orgasm. What does that mean? So generally, men tend to focus on an outcome, especially rather than enjoying the experience. So you can have good sex without having an orgasm.
00:01:57
Speaker
And oftentimes that can be the case for certain women. Some struggle to orgasm at all and some are, let's say, fluent in orgasms. Do you think that like part of the difference in experiences for men, our orgasms are much different in the idea that we're work up to come.
Reframing Foreplay and Penetration
00:02:18
Speaker
We, for lack of a better word, shoot our load and then we're done. And then as the conception of sex for most people, it's everything that happens before sex is not real sex. It's quote unquote foreplay. Everything that happens after
00:02:32
Speaker
penetration is insane as real sex. And like only the seven to 10 minutes that people are actively doing penetration that we consider that sex. Do you think that's part of the problem? Why the orgasm gap? Absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. I think we tend to
00:02:49
Speaker
center our focus much too much on that. And when you start to encompass everything as sex, even before you're in the bedroom, even before clothes are off, you can start to build intimacy, build sexual tension, and
00:03:11
Speaker
the more of that, the better. That's what I've heard a lot of sex psychologists and sex coaches teach people is that if you want to have better sex, expand your definition of sex. And I think that combined with religion, purity culture, and the medicalization of sex, we try to just think of sex as penis and vagina. Besides that being
00:03:35
Speaker
not inclusive to LGBTQ couples.
Tips for Enhancing Chemistry
00:03:38
Speaker
It doesn't seem like it works a lot for heterosexual couples who are focusing on pleasure. So what would you say to someone before they even enter the bedroom to start building that sexual chemistry that began the process of sex? I think there's a certain air that you start to put on after a while. I think some people start to feel ingenuine as they start to do that and they feel
00:04:05
Speaker
insecure about putting on that sexual tension within themselves because there's a fear of rejection because you're not already getting the thing that makes you feel secure. So having comfortability with
00:04:23
Speaker
not being actively sexual while putting little tidbits of sexuality into your speech, obviously with people that want that from you and have consented to that.
00:04:41
Speaker
You can stuff like touching and like flirting and like elongated eye contacts. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, simple things that are small might seem small can be largely impactful. Say I'm talking to you and I put a hand on the shoulder as I'm talking. I can feel it now. I feel it. And it just like kind of breaks that physical touch barrier that a lot of people have where
00:05:04
Speaker
outside the bed, or before we get to the bedroom, I started touching, I started building that chemistry. So then by the time we get to the bedroom, there's not this abrupt change in our energy where this is our first time making physical contact. Yeah. And what would you say?
Understanding Female Anatomy
00:05:20
Speaker
We've flirted, we started building that chemistry outside the bedroom. We've made it into the bedroom. Where do you think men go from here?
00:05:29
Speaker
I think it's important to talk about anatomy for anything. Most men don't even understand the basic female anatomy, let alone their own.
00:05:41
Speaker
just female anatomy. I think the big things to pay attention to were obviously, where's the clitoris? Is it a dinosaur? We don't know. Have you seen any videos of basically influencers asking people on the street, like, hey, identify where the clitoris is and people are like all over the place? It's pretty sad to be completely honest. At the end of the day, that's America's sex education's fault. But yeah, I think it's funny to laugh at sometimes.
00:06:09
Speaker
If we can...
00:06:11
Speaker
understand the basics of the anatomy. So we have the outer labial folds. We have the clitoral hood, which is above the clitoris, which I think is where a lot of people think the clitoris is, where it's actually underneath that. And you have to kind of push that back to actually fully expose it. Whereas some women are so sensitive by exposing the clitoris, it's actually too sensitive for them. So it's actually nice to sometimes use the clitoral hood as a buffer between direct touch.
00:06:40
Speaker
I think you'd be surprised about how many people have no idea where the clitoris or the clitoral hood is, where they just think that stimulation comes from penetration. I think that's where the misconception comes in for a lot of straight men or men who have sex with women.
00:06:57
Speaker
They believe that the pleasure that they feel from sticking their penis in and out the vagina is the same pleasure that the woman that they're having sex with feels, and they don't understand that most women can't come from penetrative sex. Yeah. Most of the time it requires direct clitoral stimulation. I think it's good to separate into the different categories of the female orgasm though, because you have the clitoral stimulation.
00:07:21
Speaker
You have the internal G-spot stimulation, which is about an inch or so in. There's kind of a rough sensation, kind of mildly bumpy, directly inside and up.
00:07:32
Speaker
So that's one of the other big erogenous stones. You can go farther back. I think it's roughly three to four inches depending. That's the A-spot. So it's soft and spongy is the sensation. And then even past that, you have the cervix, which you can have a cervical orgasm where it's actually where the contractions happen when a female orgasms. So you can have combinations of all of these.
00:07:59
Speaker
two-part orgasms, so you can have clitoral and G-spot, clitoral A-spot, G-spot, A-spot, and kind of a mixture between the two, or you can have what's referred to as a deep orgasm, which is direct stimulation of the cervix. How would you best recommend for someone who is trying to have their partners experience different types of
The Slow Build and Personal Preferences
00:08:17
Speaker
orgasms? Let's start with the clitoral. What is the best way, do you think, a man who needs to learn how to get their partner to become the orgasm, how would you stimulate the clitoris the best?
00:08:29
Speaker
Slow build. Slow build. Slow build. I think we tend to jump straight to it. There's no lubrication whatsoever. And it's just like hard stimulation. It's like, I'm going to rub it really hard because that's what I like when I, when I get, yeah, when I masturbate, I want to grip it really hard and get off. Exactly. It's not, that's not how women function. Like the slower the build, the better. And eventually you find their sweet spot and everybody's sweet spot is different. Some people like really rough stimulation. Some people were like,
00:08:56
Speaker
really, really gentle stimulation and I think building it slowly over time and then noticing how they respond to that.
00:09:04
Speaker
be it moaning or even just asking them. There's another sex positive creator, Sterling Cooper, who talks about this a lot. And he talks about how... I'm sorry, I just totally lost my train of thought. Where were we at? You were talking about clitoral stimulation, another sex positive creator, and he talks about
00:09:28
Speaker
I guess like how to start it off slow and then you're building up because like men enjoy masturbating really, really fast. Yeah. Did we like completely lose it? I lost entirely. So I guess like more surface level, if I wanted to say like, Hey, you gave me like two or three techniques, say like oral sex vibrator
00:09:49
Speaker
What are your like go tos when you're going for this oral stimulation?
Using Vibrators and Sex Toys
00:09:52
Speaker
I think most of the time I start with hands personally. Okay. But I think it also depends on who you are as a sexual being. Yeah. I mean, some people really, really enjoy oral sex and who don't as much. I'm an massage therapist, so I like to use my hands. That's something that I feel very confident in.
00:10:09
Speaker
And I know that I can please somebody with that specific tool. Sure, I have confidence in my other areas of expertise too, but that's where I tend to gravitate first. But I think everyone's different. But the same thing applies. Starting slow, building up until you hit a pinnacle, and you can ask for them to even give you cues if you want. I remember the thing that I was going to reference.
00:10:34
Speaker
Sterling Cooper talks about how you can give them very specific cues so that it maintains kind of a power dynamic, saying instead of asking them if that feels good, which tends to pull them out and puts them in a thinking headspace, give them more harder, faster, slower, softer. Those are the cues that they can use in nothing else.
00:11:00
Speaker
Oh, I see. Obviously, they can, you know, they don't like it. They can say stop or anything like that. But that's a good general cue. It can set kind of a small power dynamic as well, if that's something that are into. But it takes women out of their head. Yeah, it's not about I'm cerebral here, which when you're here, you're not going to be here. Yeah.
00:11:25
Speaker
So for average people who aren't massage therapists, the vibrator is a very common way to make sure that absolutely great. As the tongue and oral sex takes a lot more skill and technique. The vibrator is
00:11:42
Speaker
pretty universal and easy to use. Do you recommend the vibrator as like a great tool? Absolutely. Okay. I think, um, the reason why I particularly like to go hands or oral sex first is because with vibrators, you can actually desensitize the clitoris, which can make it harder for certain people to come in the future. Uh, well, not necessarily just in the future, but in that moment too, because you're, you're overstimulating the nerve, which can mildly overstimulate it. And then it'll kind of,
00:12:10
Speaker
it'll be harder to stimulate if that makes that makes a lot of sense so i prefer to leave that until the end or even as a combination with sex later to like bump it up to even another level that's gonna actually like other ways to a lot of men before we get into like the question about the ego and like not wanting to incorporate sex toys because out of a
00:12:31
Speaker
a fear of a threat to a relationship. But a lot of men genuinely are like, hey, I want to use sex toys, but I feel so disconnected to my partner's sexual experience when I'm laying down using the toy and she's up in the bed. What other ways would you use sex toys to incorporate during sex? Like for me, I enjoy having my partner ride me and we play with the vibrator as she's riding. Absolutely. I think it's important to note that
00:13:01
Speaker
We tend to think of sex toys as a thing outside of ourselves rather than a thing like an extension of ourselves that we're using to then please our partner. And I think there can come in a degree of sexual inadequacy that comes from that to a degree. I am not pleasing my partner because this toy is exactly. This thing is outside of me rather than
00:13:32
Speaker
this thing is just a part of me. I am using it as just another tool in my toolbox to please this person.
00:13:41
Speaker
there's an innate selfishness. Any idea of, well, if I'm not pleasing my partner, my partner shouldn't feel pleasure. And while I understand this is a very complex emotional reaction that comes with the feelings of inadequacy and the feeling of society tells me that my penis should be able to get the job done. And if not, I'm lesser of a man and this is a threat to my masculinity.
00:14:05
Speaker
But I think the important thing that like a lot of men, which like I had to get out of my head about, especially with using sex toys to seem like my partner, it doesn't matter if I'm attached to the sex toy or not. What matters is that my partner feels pleasured in the moment. And during this time of this part of sex, this experience is about them. Yeah. And whatever gets them off. I'm a part of that.
Optimal Techniques and Positions
00:14:28
Speaker
And that's the goal.
00:14:31
Speaker
Going back to your original question, which I kind of skipped over to go into the other one, which was, how can we use toys in other ways in combination, maybe with our pleasure as well? I agree with you. I think using a vibrator whilst doing penetration is a great option.
00:14:54
Speaker
I think a couple of different positions that are common for that would be obviously missionaries is just easy. It's comfortable. If you can put a pillow underneath, I think that's a great thing because what a lot of people don't realize from a
00:15:13
Speaker
having a penis perspective is the G-spot or the A-spot is generally what you're going for. Most people won't be able to reach to the cervical spot because that's rather deep. I think that's roughly seven to eight inches in. So for the average person, you're going for G-spot and A-spot stimulation. So when you put a pillow underneath the lumbar or
00:15:36
Speaker
generally a little bit lower, even underneath the sacrum, you lift that whole structure up so that you're coming in at a slightly different angle. So you're trying to angle up more. Um, that's where people with a slight curve actually have benefit because that, um, developed because they were hitting those spots more readily. So those who have a straighter penis actually struggled to hit those spots is more so they have to be more attentive to the angle that they're penetrating with.
00:16:05
Speaker
It makes a lot of sense. Yeah. How do you, it's like going off of that question. You have any tips to make penetration more fun? Like while also accepting the fact that lube is big, most women don't finish during penetration, but like a lot of women still report experiencing pleasure during it. And what tips and trades would you give to men to help women experience more pleasure during the penetration aspect of sex?
00:16:35
Speaker
slow build, consistency of speed. I think a lot of people try to get for those really hard, fast speeds, but they can't maintain that. It's too much cardio wise, so you may start to lose your boner, or it might just be too much cardiovascular for you to keep up with. You might feel out of breath, which is also difficult. I think keeping a speed that you can consistently keep is really important because consistency, I think, is key when producing a female orgasm. That's usually what
00:17:05
Speaker
Throws them off as though they'll start to like something and then you switch it Rather than just holding that for a period longer that tens You know three to five minutes depending on what thing you're doing And that's you have a good point where the very hard rapid pace it is very hard to sustain when in reality Something that's a little bit slower but more steadier Probably so a little more especially if you're throwing in a little bit of clitoral stimulation or vibrator My gosh, you're golden man
00:17:35
Speaker
So do you have any tips that men can do afterwards that can improve emotional connectiveness and communications with their partner about if they had an enjoyable experience?
Communicating About Sex
00:17:48
Speaker
Because I think it's very awkward for a lot of people to say, hey, was I good or bad at sex? And you put the person on the spot to answer that. So how would you communicate with somebody to say,
00:17:58
Speaker
Basically the acts the same question of like hey did you enjoy this experience with all that awkward question I think pre framing it is really important because I love doing this Even just what I said right there. I love finding out how I can do better. Yeah, like Like help me do that like that's that's really hot to me. I love talking about what we did good what we did bad what was like yeah But as you do that that that wording that verbiage
00:18:28
Speaker
just switch that whole conversation from, oh, I'm insecure. I need you to tell me that I did good to I want to know how to please you in the best way possible. That makes a lot of sense. Which also builds sexual tension for the next time. That's like, oh, there's going to be there's something different that's going to happen. Like we might do something that I like even more than this time, which was already maybe it was already really good. So moving on to like water scopes, I think that the orgasm gap
00:18:57
Speaker
again, reinforced by the fact that lesbians orgasm at a similar rate to men is less biological and more cultural. And I think a lot of it has to do with societal understanding of sex and what it means to have sex and that focus on penis vagina penetration. How do you think like as a culture, we can kind of
00:19:25
Speaker
address this misnomer and expand our definition and our conception of sex. I think even being open to the conversation, that it's not just penis and vagina and deconstructing that viewpoint for yourself and then deconstructing it with another person. And for me, I understand that for a lot of guys, this may feel as a threat to their masculinity, but I think
00:19:54
Speaker
Learning and researching how lesbians have sex can be very beneficial. Just going back to the number that lesbians are making other women orgasm at a very similar rate that men orgasm, whether men are having sex with women or men are having sex with men. So obviously the common denominator here is that men don't know how to make women orgasm because I forgot to mention this. The self stimulation rate for women
00:20:21
Speaker
they orgasm and like the 90 percentile. So women know how to make themselves orgasm. Women know how to make other women orgasm and men just don't know how to make women orgasm. So what men need to do in the situation is take a step back, learn from women, understand that this isn't going to threaten your masculinity. This isn't going to make you less of a man to ask for help. At the end of the day, it just makes you a better sexual partner and a better lover for the people that you may be having sex with. Absolutely. Yeah.
00:20:52
Speaker
Do you have anything to add, or if now we can call it a day?
Addressing Male Anatomy and Ejaculation
00:20:57
Speaker
I think it might be good to talk a little bit about the male anatomy, because we've talked about the female, but we don't really understand our own anatomy a lot of times. We have penis, we have balls. But when you go deeper into the muscular systems, I think this is where we can start to talk about something that can be an issue for some men, which is premature ejaculation. You can start to train those muscles. I'm sure most people have heard of Kegels. Yeah.
00:21:20
Speaker
You can start to play with that a little bit by controlling the flow of urine when you're peeing. That's a good way to start to understand how to squeeze those muscles. So say you are peeing and you stop the stream. That's the kegel muscle that you're looking for. But when you're having either ejaculative contractions or pre-ejaculative contractions, you can stop that if you have the right muscles.
00:21:49
Speaker
Generally, what's happening there is the muscle, you'll feel it right in the gooch area behind the balls a little bit. It will start to contract and the feeling when you start to pee, when you're letting go of the urine flow and it opens back up, you can force that more open. That's the sensation you want to create when you're trying to stop your orgasm is you're pushing it open a little bit and it'll
00:22:17
Speaker
It'll stop it from going, because the contraction is what's going to make it fire. See, that sounds counterintuitive, because you would think that I probably want to stop myself from coming. Squeeze it harder. So make it a smaller hole, which generally, that doesn't work for most people. Sometimes it can, because essentially, you're squeezing the muscle that's spasming. Essentially, it's firing. So you're making the contraction work. So the contraction or the opposite can work. But I find the other one to be better for me personally, but I think both can work. That makes a lot of sense.
00:22:46
Speaker
Also want to like touch on a misnomer where not, not anything that you said, a lot of men falsely believe that they have premature ejaculation. And that actually comes from false expectations about how long sex is supposed to last at a point where like a lot of men think that I came in five minutes. That means I have premature ejaculation and no clinically, anything that lasts longer than about a minute, minute and a half is like pretty normal.
00:23:14
Speaker
At the end of the day, ejaculation was meant for reproduction. So from naturally is not supposed to last, not supposed to not the right word. Naturally, the goal wasn't for it to last a super, super long time before you came. And I think that due to porn, due to societal expectations and pressure that men feel that I need to keep having to keep using my penis to keep having sex. They've developed this idea that
00:23:44
Speaker
all these young men have premature ejaculations when in reality, they're coming the same time that their parents and that their grandparents came. I think a little weird to think about, but I think the important fact about that is if you're worried about premature ejaculation and leaving your partner unsatisfied, that's where de-centering penises become very, becomes very valuable during sex. Because if I'm not centering the penis, manual sex, oral sex,
00:24:12
Speaker
joyous acts to say like i finger you for five minutes i give you or over five minutes we have deep making out for five minutes we have sex for five minutes we do the vibrator for five minutes
00:24:25
Speaker
and then we go back and do more heavy petting and stuff for five minutes. Now sex just lasted you 25 minutes to half an hour. Your penis only lasted you five minutes, which is perfectly normal, but the sexual experience took a half an hour. Yeah. Yeah.
The Importance of Aftercare
00:24:40
Speaker
And then if you're incorporating the aspect of aftercare, then it could be considered even longer, depending on if that's, for me, that's important. I think what we don't really think about is after sex, there's a huge neurochemical dump.
00:24:54
Speaker
oxytocin, dopamine, we get norepinephrine. We get a lot of stuff that comes out simultaneously. And they're bonding things. So we can have really wholesome experiences. I think something that happens in hookup culture that I'm not necessarily fond of is it's like the get up and go kind of thing. Like, oh, cool. We've finished. Now I'm going to move on. I'm going to leave or whatever it is. But there's a
00:25:20
Speaker
there can be a positive bonding experience even just through those neurochemicals that happen after the fact. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to hate that person or whatever it is, like if you're in a sex-positive culture or something like that. But I think honoring those neurochemicals kind of stops some negative emotions from happening later. Also one of the best indicators for couples
00:25:46
Speaker
for sexual pleasure is not how long they spend on, I hate the term foreplay, but not how long they spend on the term foreplay, but how long they spend aftercare with each other. And that's a sign of a good sexual relationship. I think that's all we have for today, folks. Thank you, as always, for listening to the Fun with Sex podcast.