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Things I Wish I Knew Before I Entered Into A Relationship
11 Plays4 years ago
In this week's podcast, I discuss things I wish I knew before I entered into a relationship. I share a little bit about the experiences that I had in relationships and what I learned.
If you want to send me an email you can email me at [email protected]
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Transcript
Introduction to Empowering Relationships
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Eliana Nita podcast, the podcast created to inform, challenge and empower you. Now let's get down to business.
00:00:24
Speaker
Hi guys, welcome to the Alien Anita podcast. I'm your host, Alien, and I am so excited to have you join me for this week's podcast.
Things to Know Before a Relationship
00:00:34
Speaker
So as you know, from last week, we are in the middle of a series that I am calling things I wish I knew before.
00:00:43
Speaker
So I am going to do a bit of a transparent podcast this week, and it is going to be called things I wish I knew before I entered a relationship. And by relationship, I mean romantic relationships.
00:01:01
Speaker
Okay, here we go. I have experienced like really crazy stuff in relationships. I have only had two relationships, two very serious significant, yeah, two very serious significant relationships in my life.
00:01:23
Speaker
I have not dated a ton or anything like that. So I've basically, I've had some interesting experiences within those two relationships that I've been in. And so I thought through some of the stuff and I kind of jotted down some things that I wish that I had of known before I got into a relationship.
Identity and Personal Growth in Love
00:01:46
Speaker
So my first relationship, you know, I thought that like being in a relationship was everything. And at the time I had low self-esteem, I was really dealing with low self-esteem. And I thought that a relationship defined you. And like, if you had someone significant or of significance, it meant something, right?
00:02:10
Speaker
And so one thing that I learned and I wish that I had known before I entered into a relationship is that a relationship does not and should not define who you are. I had just, man, lost myself in this relationship and lost myself in him.
00:02:28
Speaker
And when the relationship ended, I was devastated and it ended in a very devastating way. But I was completely devastated when we broke up because I had got so lost in him and like my world was him. And so it kind of felt like my earth shattered when we broke up. And so I wish that I had known that
00:02:56
Speaker
that this person is a part of your life, but this person is not your life. Like you should have friends, you should have hobbies and things that you enjoy outside of this person and you should take your time to really investigate the person that you are and define yourself and not let a relationship define you.
Setting Boundaries to Prevent Abuse
00:03:19
Speaker
I also learned or wish that I had known before I got into a relationship was boundaries. We hear this word boundaries tossed around so much. I've heard it like exhaustively, especially within this
00:03:36
Speaker
this last year or so like boundaries has been huge. I read and I talked about boundaries before in this podcast and boundaries come up often in some of my podcasts and in a lot of conversations, but boundaries are so important. Knowing what you like and knowing what you don't like and being able to express that comfortably within a relationship.
00:04:02
Speaker
I was in an abusive relationship with my second boyfriend. It was really, really crazy to be in that. And as I took time to journey through it and talk through it through therapy,
00:04:19
Speaker
I found out that I just didn't have boundaries. And what made me susceptible to abuse was just me not having the courage to say, I don't like that. Don't talk to me like that. Don't touch me like that. I don't like this or whatever. Instead of just going along with the flow and just assuming that if this person cares, so eventually they'll care about how I feel.
00:04:44
Speaker
But I had to learn the hard way that you have to teach people how to treat you. And if you don't stand up for yourself and set some boundaries and set some ground rules to be in a relationship with you, then this person is going to walk all over you.
00:05:01
Speaker
People are naturally selfish and they are always interested in what can they get or how can this relationship or this thing benefit them the most. And so they will compromise you and everything else to get what they want.
00:05:20
Speaker
And unless you set some hardcore boundaries and say, this is what I feel comfortable with, this is what I don't feel comfortable with, or this is what I'm going to tolerate, or this is not what I'm going to tolerate, people are just going to walk all over you. So learning boundaries.
00:05:36
Speaker
was so important for me. And not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships and business partnerships and things like that. Learning what works for me and what doesn't work for me and learning when people are learning to say this isn't too intrusive or I don't appreciate when you do this, I would like for you to speak to me in this manner. Like standing up for yourself, advocating for yourself, it is nothing wrong with that.
Advocating for Yourself as a Woman
00:06:03
Speaker
you could really love someone and lovingly tell them I feel like you're being disrespectful to me or lovingly tell them I don't appreciate how you're talking to me or I would like for you to not do that or whatever. You can respectfully do that and make sure that your boundaries are enforced by saying those things and taking the courage. That's one thing that I wish that I had a new before I got into a relationship is how important my voice is.
00:06:32
Speaker
I think that in the like, particularly with women, the way that the the world kind of works is like women are there for the pleasure of a man. Like you should make your man look good. You should aim to please your man. You should aim to be a pleasurable sight or whatever. But we very rarely ever talk about
00:06:58
Speaker
what's important to the woman. And so learning to use your voice, and for me, particularly learning to use my voice and not feel like because I'm standing up for myself that I'm threatening this person. If I don't stand up for myself, then I'm causing a threat to myself.
00:07:17
Speaker
I had to learn how important my voice is in any relationship. Like speak up when you say, speak up when something is bothering you or when you, or if you enjoy something, like I'm a component of telling people if you hurt, say ouch, right? But I learned that I would tell people that and I didn't believe in myself. So I wouldn't even say this bothered me or I didn't like that because I was so afraid that this person would leave me or
00:07:47
Speaker
I wouldn't have this expected in, this expected outcome or whatever. I just was so afraid to be an advocate for myself. So I lost my voice in the midst of that. And so I wish that I had learned the power and the importance of having my own voice and even setting boundaries
00:08:09
Speaker
Within that and so I you know recently I seen on Instagram one of my favorite people that I follow She wore a shirt that seemed to for a lot of people provocative and it really honestly it truly wasn't provocative, but it was such a shock factor because most people feel like in it what the shirt sale was is the clip for me and
00:08:36
Speaker
the woman that was wearing it, she was like, listen, this is a way for me to celebrate my sexual freedom where I grew up in a Christian background and we couldn't talk about sex and here I am married and I don't know what to do with my husband because everything was like, don't talk about it, don't do it. So it was a way for her to break out of that. And even in that, because we're so
00:09:03
Speaker
with everything is so male focused like male pleasure male pleasure male pleasure to wear a shirt to say something like that offended so many people because it's like no that's not what that's there for it's for you're there to make sure the man is good and it's like no
00:09:20
Speaker
you have a voice in this too. And not just, you know, not just sexually, you have a voice period in the relationship. I'll just use it as an example of how we can like sometimes smother women's voices. And like if it was a guy that wore that same shirt, it wouldn't have had that much shock value. But because it's a woman, it's an issue. So I mean, that's a y'all, that's a different topic for a different day. But I don't want to belabor the point. I just want to say that
00:09:50
Speaker
I wish I had known that my voice matter and that if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, I should be able to say no. I should be able to say yes and not have that person violently respond to me or get upset and leave or whatever. I should be able to be safe and have a safety in a relationship to advocate for myself and to be able to use my voice and say no.
Self-Worth Beyond Relationship Status
00:10:16
Speaker
Another thing I wish I had known before I entered the relationship, honestly, is my worth. Like I said, I had low self esteem. I was in an abusive relationship and I just didn't know my worth. I didn't know what I meant to myself. I didn't know what I meant to the world. I didn't know what my purpose was, my destiny, what God had in store for me. I just was kind of floating by the wayside and for me at the time, marriage was everything.
00:10:46
Speaker
to be married and you know how like you have your plans in your mind and you're like, yeah, by this time I want to be married and by this time I'm going to have kids and I should be doing this with my career and all of these things. I have based my entire work around whether or not I was in a relationship.
00:11:05
Speaker
And there were a lot of people in my life at the time that would make me feel low about being single. And it was a time where I had been single for a very long time and I was celebrating for a very long time. And people would be like, oh, she gay, she this, she that. And by the way, I'm still single and I'm still celebrating, I'm just saying. People would assume that I was gay and that I was like,
00:11:31
Speaker
I was secretly attracted to women. That's why I didn't have a man and all this weird stuff. And so in an effort to prove that I wasn't any of those things, I would be like such, I would be in such a rush to be in a relationship with someone. Um, and that's how I ended up in an abusive relationship. And it was like, look girl, it's okay if you single this, it's just not your time. But because I didn't know what my worth was and I didn't have a,
00:11:58
Speaker
I had a vision for my life, but I didn't have a strong vision for my life. I just kind of follow with every blown of the wind until I really said, Hey, listen, this, I'm going to be single. I'm going to be celibate until God says differently. And when that time come, that time will come. But right now I need to work on my word and understand why, why I am here on this earth. Why do I have space on this earth at this particular time and take advantage of that and not
00:12:26
Speaker
allow people to make me feel bad about my relational status and so I had to learn that and that was difficult but I had to learn it. I also wish that I knew what my expectations was. I didn't, you know, like sometimes we vicariously go
00:12:45
Speaker
We enter into relationships or situationships with people and we just don't have any expectations of it and like your expectations can't just be I want to be married or I just want a partner. Like what do you expect out of this person? What do you need from this person? What can you give to this person?
00:13:05
Speaker
Who are you and what can you be? And how can you enhance this person's life? And also, how do you expect for this person to enhance your life? A lot of times I feel like, man, we just jump into stuff and we just like, okay, I don't have an expectation, but what do you want? And I wish I understood relationships more. I feel like we enter into relationships and we just don't know. We don't know.
00:13:33
Speaker
how this should work and or what is what would work for you because I don't believe that all relationships are the same you know it depends on what kind of career you have and what kind of career that person has and
00:13:48
Speaker
that kind of shapes and mold and defines the rules and regulations of your relationship. But when I think about what you need and what is required from a person to be in your life, what do you need from a person in order for them to be in your life?
Setting Clear Relationship Expectations
00:14:07
Speaker
I wish I understood that more and I wish I had explored
00:14:12
Speaker
more or I wish it was more books or more talks about like, hey, this is this is how you form healthy expectations from friends. This is how you form healthy expectations from spouses and things like that because sometimes you can have an expectation for this person to be your father and it's like your husband will never be your dad.
00:14:33
Speaker
So you need to heal from whatever father wounds you have so that you can healthily relate to your husband. And the opposite is true for men and fathers and mothers too. So I think about that and just I just wish I understood the purpose and the plans of relationships and being able to set expectations according to what I needed and what is a healthy expectation.
00:14:59
Speaker
I also wish I knew what my purpose was before I entered into a relationship. I was thinking about this the other day when I was driving like sometimes we get into relationships before we really know who we are and then as we grow and mature
00:15:17
Speaker
we find out more and more about who we are. And then we already made this commitment, this vial to be this vow to be with someone for the rest of our lives. And then it's like, but I just discovered something new about myself and what I'm here to do. And, and this causes a conflict in my relationship because I'm growing and expanding in this way. And so many people, you hear this story all the time where people say, we just grew apart. And it's really because
00:15:43
Speaker
at the time, you probably didn't know your purpose and what your plan is. And like, as we grow as individuals, you're supposed to evolve every step of the way. You're supposed to get better every step of the way. And discovering your purpose is kind of like taking a step every single day, like your purpose is going to constantly evolve. But I feel like
00:16:07
Speaker
If you had a real good grip, and for me personally, I felt like if I had a grip on who I was to become and who I should be, then I would have picked better people or I could pick better people in my life. And so now as a 34 year old woman at single, I'm like starting to see and starting to catch a rhythm of like,
00:16:30
Speaker
Now that I've experienced life and I've lived through some things, I'm like, you know what? I would need this kind of person in my life because I know that I'm called to do this particular thing and I would need somebody to be understanding of this. So it's like developing and growing and understanding yourself will help you to be able to choose people, not just a spouse, but
00:16:54
Speaker
friends to like choose people to be in your life and walk with you through different seasons because they'll be able to handle your ups and your downs. Another thing that I wish that I knew before I got into a relationship is my triggers.
Understanding Emotional Triggers
00:17:10
Speaker
I think that I just didn't have a handle on my emotions.
00:17:15
Speaker
At the time I didn't have a handle on what was a red flag for me or what made me afraid or what made me cry or what made me angry or what brought me joy or what made me happy and like all of this stuff at the time when I was when I think back when I was in these relationships was all condition based.
00:17:33
Speaker
And once I was able to stabilize myself and settle, I was able to understand like, man, this is what triggers me. This is what angers me. If you say this or if you do this, like that'll really take me to the next level. But I also got to explore my joy. I got to explore my happiness as a single woman. Like, like what brings me the most joy? What helps me to relax? What brings me comfort? What brings me peace? And all of those things. And like,
00:18:04
Speaker
beforehand, before I actually got to do the work, I didn't know any of these things. And I wish that before I got into a relationship, I knew these things so that I could be able to be in control of my emotions and be emotionally stable. And one thing I love that I've been doing a lot of study and a lot of research on is emotional intelligence.
00:18:25
Speaker
Not allowing people to trigger me not allowing people to take me where I don't want to go emotionally or mentally And just stand stable and stable-minded and sometimes people just take you there. They just anger you they just make you mad, but
00:18:41
Speaker
I've been wanting to learn how to stay emotionally balanced and through emotional intelligence and that's something that I wish that I had and I wish I had known back before I entered any kind of relationship.
00:18:56
Speaker
And the last thing, and I got so much more, but I don't want to keep it long. I don't want to go like a long podcast. So the last thing I wish that I knew before I enter the relationship is the risk factors.
Recognizing Relationship Risks
00:19:10
Speaker
The truth of the matter is, is that
00:19:12
Speaker
Sadly, nothing is forever like nothing lasts forever. And we like to hang on to this romanticized way of thinking that when I meet a friend and we become friends, we're going to be friends for life. And that's it. No end all is like
00:19:28
Speaker
never ever going to change. And the truth of the matter is it might. Now you might meet a friend and you might be friends forever. But the truth of the matter is, is that you roll the dice every time you take the risk of letting someone in your life, you roll a dice every single time you open yourself up for a relationship of any kind.
00:19:49
Speaker
When you do a business deal, when you commit to someone, you roll the dice, and there's just risk factors in that. People change, like when I was in the relationship, I seen a guy change from hot to cold, literally like it felt like over a weekend. He went from very like, I love you, I love you, I love you, to now I'm gonna be with somebody else, like very quickly. And so,
00:20:16
Speaker
that is like relationships pose a risk factor. And so I wish I hadn't understood the risk at hand because life situations change that sometimes changes the person. You know, like you can be like, you can meet somebody and they could have a good paying job. And then, you know, something happens with the economy and then they lose that job and then they turn into a monster. Like that person was always a monster. It just was,
00:20:46
Speaker
covered because they had a good job, you know, so there are so many risk factors and relationships and like having the emotional wherewithal to be able to handle the risk factors and I think that like
00:21:01
Speaker
Even when I think about like when I broke up with my ex and stuff, like how I found myself in a deep depression because of it, it's like I wasn't prepared for the risk factors involved in relationships. And so I wish that I had a greater grasp
00:21:19
Speaker
on what risk factors are. And I wish that I had the emotional intelligence to be able to handle if those risk factors ever came into play. So these are the things that I wish that I hadn't known before I entered into a relationship.
00:21:38
Speaker
Make sure that you take your time as you work through different relationships, whether it's, you know, building a friendship or a business partnership or a romantic relationship. Make sure you just take some time to kind of
00:21:54
Speaker
think about the things that you wish that you hadn't known before you got into a relationship in the past and see what you can do. Like it's really no way of controlling the end or an outcome of a situation.
Reflecting on Relationship Experiences
00:22:08
Speaker
But what you can do is prepare yourself either way. And it's not that you have to take a pessimistic view of life like, well, if this person leave, I'm going to be prepared. But
00:22:19
Speaker
If this person do decide to leave your life or if you decide to leave that person's life, you are prepared either way. So I just want to encourage you to just take some time and think about the things that you wish that you had known before you got into a relationship. And if you want to talk to me about that,
00:22:39
Speaker
I would love to hear from you. You can email me at alienanitashow at gmail.com. You also can follow me on all of the things, Twitter, Instagram. I'm not really doing Facebook at the moment, but you follow me on Facebook.
00:22:56
Speaker
I am Aliana Nita on all of the things. And that is the podcast guys. I hope you enjoyed it. Rate this podcast, tell your friends about it. And as always, stay blessed and be relevant.