Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to the Eliana Nita podcast, the podcast created to inform, challenge and empower you. Now let's get down to business.
Speaker: Hi guys, welcome to the Alienity podcast. I'm your host, Alien, and I am so excited to have you join me for this week's show. I have an incredibly special guest on this week. If you have been following along with my podcast, you often hear me refer to my business coach.
Speaker: and her name is Stacy Smith. I finally had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her and we talked about the subject of being the only black woman in the room. Stacy has more than 20 years of corporate experience and she is a builder. She is a strategist and
Speaker: She's helped women like me and so many others build their businesses and become great business owners as well as exceptional employees. And so I am so excited to have this conversation with Stacy. And I think that you guys will enjoy it too. Now I know you may not be a black woman, but I feel like Stacy gave so much great wisdom on how to be a presence in the room, whether you're black, white or whatever.
Speaker: Stacey is amazing and I hope that you guys really enjoy this podcast. So let's jump into the conversation.
Speaker: Hey guys, welcome back to the A. Leoninita podcast. I am so excited to have you guys here with me. And I have a very special guest today. Her name is Stacy Smith and Stacy is my business coach. She has helped me launch my company. She has been a voice of reason to me. She is my big sister and I love her dearly. And we're going to talk about being the only black woman in the world.
Speaker: And so Stacey is here and I'm going to let her introduce herself and then we're going to hop right into our conversation. Hey Stacey. Hey Ailey, how are you? I'm good. Fantastic. Well, as she said, I'm Stacey. Um, during the day I work in corporate America, uh, in technology and business. And, uh, on the side, I also do consulting for, uh, up and coming entrepreneurs like Ailey.
Speaker: And I have been in corporate America for well over 20 years. Yeah, you have such an extensive knowledge of corporate America and how things work. And I've learned a great deal from you. And I've been able to move forward because of you. And I'm so grateful to have you on the show. It's exciting. Thank you.
Speaker: So I'm going to hop right into my first question. What has been your experience with or what has been your experience as being the only black woman at the table? Sure. So it depends on which table that I'm at. It is something that you know and that you acknowledge and see very early on, especially depending upon what industries you deal with. If you're dealing with
Speaker: Let's say larger manufacturers or you're dealing with Industries that are older. You are definitely the only one at the table So it is one of those things where you set your mind understand your value and your worth and know that I represent my God first myself second my family third my culture fourth
Speaker: And then I can think about my company and everything else. So my job is to do those things proud. Right.
Speaker: You know, Stace, you and I have talked about this, particularly with where I work. And it has been a stroke for me personally. I found it kind of hard because it's actually hard to get your voice heard. And when you're trying to express ideas or even give feedback on things, it's kind of hard for them to listen to you. And so how is, or what are some of the things that you do to get your voice heard?
Speaker: I think that I can say for me and for the other women that I have that I have in my circle, they often are afraid to voice opinions or give criticism or feedback of any kind because they don't want to come off as the angry black woman. Sure. So you wouldn't be at the table if your opinion didn't matter, right? If they just needed anybody, they could sit a doll in the corner and that would be that.
Speaker: So your voice is important because your voice brings diversity. Your voice brings most often time in women, just a different way of thinking. And we are typically more compassionate. So we're thinking more total culture, more impact. And so it's very important to give that perspective because you could be saving your company time, money,
Speaker: effort jobs, etc One of the things that I refuse to do is talk over anybody And so if everybody is talking either I'm gonna wait till it's silent or I'm gonna make a statement saying I have something to say and I think it's important and when everybody's ready to listen and if they're not I'm gonna ask them are you ready to listen to what I have to say and then
Speaker: I'm either going to make a statement or if I read the room and I know that I have to capture their mindsets because they're distracted, unaware of my value, whatever, first time meeting me, I'll always start with a pertinent question or a story, right? So something that speaks to their culture, their values as a person and the company's culture and make them think. Then once I capture their attention, then they'll listen.
Speaker: OK, that's really good tips to get your voice heard. And has it ever been an experience of yours where people felt like you were communicating too aggressive, or they placed you on a stereotype? Even if you gave a really good impression or did what you thought could be right or helpful towards that person, have you ever been categorized as that?
Speaker: Oh, sure. Um, there are times when it's been, Oh, she's just upset. And there are times when I've been mansplained, right? So I'll make a statement and then somebody of the opposite sex will turn around and explain exactly what I just said, almost using my exact words. And so if that's the case, if they are not ready to value my opinion and, um,
Speaker: there is somebody else leading in the room and that leader is not ready to step up and take position and they've been an identified leader, right? This is their meeting. Then we may have a conversation after the fact. If it is my meeting or my job is to do something to cause us all to move forward, then I'm sorry, it doesn't matter if you think that I'm mad.
Speaker: is what I said valuable to you, whichever way you need to hear it. Is it a value? Does it matter? Is it going to move us forward? Is it going to get us towards a common goal? Then fantastic. Let's figure out how to do that together in whichever way you need to hear it.
Speaker: That's really good, Stacy. I mean, I think that one thing that it sounds like to me, it sounds like that you learn to own your own voice and not be afraid to share it. Like I feel like for me, especially being younger, like I feel like I'm still trying to really honestly find my voice.
Speaker: and know how to communicate to people. And I think that sometimes like as black women, we can overthink ourselves as far as like, what could we say? What should we say? Did we say this right? Like, do you ever feel that tension where you feel like you have to like dole yourself down or do you just feel like, or have you been, you know, in your company for a while where you can just feel comfortable with just being you?
Speaker: Oh no, there are definitely times where I have to really think about the way that I'm phrasing things. It's all about reading the room and reading the people. So there are times that I really have to think about how I'm phrasing it. And so it may be a series of five questions before I can get them to start thinking along the lines that I'm thinking, instead of one question or just a statement to go on in. But at the end of the day, and this took me a while to learn,
Speaker: is there is a reason why I'm there. There is a reason why I'm getting paid what I'm getting paid to sit in these rooms and to, it's to make an impact. And so I need to make sure that my voice is heard if I have something to add. Okay. That's really good. Say, have you ever been blatantly ignored? And if so, how did that make you feel? Sure. Uh, but I,
Speaker: looked at the person and not necessarily the situation. Because it could be that that person is unaware, that that person doesn't listen well, that that person has yet to see the reason why I'm at the table. And I attributed that to that person. You can ignore me if you like, but here's what it's going to cost you. That's good.
Speaker: When you talk to people about what it's going to cost them, then they tend to turn around and listen. That's interesting because I had a situation at work where they were looking to make some very significant changes in the way that we actually do our job.
Speaker: And I remember they had suggested that we buy this very expensive piece of equipment. And I was telling them that we had this instrument before. It didn't work. We had all kind of issues. And so they totally ignored everything that I said and went with the word of another person who just so happened to be white and male.
Speaker: Hadn't proved proven himself at all where I had been there for years and I had experience and and we've and I are not only just me but another person who had the same experience was you know sharing their story about it and we were both ignored and
Speaker: they went with the word of the other person and it turned out to be a very bad decision and so I think that what you said was like to talk about what would cost them if you don't listen and so have you ever experienced that where you just was you know you're trying to help your company and really you know use your voice to share your experience and you know all of those things like I was and it just was ignored. Sure so
Speaker: What I've tried after the fact is going to the person who made the decision and telling them, listen, I really want to understand and learn why you made the decision that you made, given the fact that you've had a couple people give you feedback on when we've had this equipment before. And if I can understand it, then maybe I can help us be more successful. And to have them talk it through sometimes themselves about why they made the decision might make them see the light.
Speaker: However, at the end of the day, if it is somebody else's choice, somebody else's budget, somebody else's name on the line, and they decide to go with a person either they've had more experience with, or they have some biases, et cetera, then that is an expensive lesson to be learned. And the very next time I'm asked to make a decision, I'm not gonna say I told you so, but I'm gonna say, hey, listen,
Speaker: Here's what I think here's why I think what I think here's the benefit or the cost to the company and an example is when we did this when we went and bought this equipment and I had insight and I really didn't feel like I was heard so I want to make sure that I'm doing what's best for the company and That you guys are hearing me just in case you didn't understand me last time Okay
Speaker: That's good advice. Have you ever felt like you had to compete with a coworker or did you ever feel like maybe upper management, people that was above you made you, you know, put you in a position to compete with the co, with the coworker ever? Uh, no. So my philosophy is, is you cannot shape my mindset, right? You may be able to give me influence.
Speaker: but you can't cause me to want to compete with somebody else. Unless it is a direct, hey, who sells more contests where I'm gonna benefit from that by some type of bonus, et cetera, then you can't make me compete on just simple job performance. And so what I'm going to give you back is, where's this competition coming from?
Speaker: What is it that you really need? What is your desired goal? What are your desired results? Okay. So I'm going to strive for results and not for strife. I'm going to strive for results and not to compete with my other coworkers. I'm going to strive for us all to be the best. And so if us all being the best means we all hit this number, then that's what I'm going to strive for. Not to try and beat that person because they're my teammate. Right. That's awesome.
Speaker: If I fail or they fail, we all fail. If they feel like it's not a team environment, we all fail. That's true. That's a really great perspective on that. I know that for me personally, I've experienced where leadership has tried to make me and another coworker compete. And I was just interested in it altogether. But for the particular person that was trying to that was posed to compete against me,
Speaker: like she took it to heart. And I mean, she was like trying to do everything she could to make me look bad and make herself look good. And it ended up causing issues with our relationship as we tried to work together to get things, you know, done. And so I think that your perspective of it is amazing. But I wish that, you know, some leader because some leadership people, some people in leadership don't have that perspective. Like we're all one team. We got to work together, you know,
Speaker: Oh yeah. So in that instance, I have to first leave myself. Right. And hopefully I can have a conversation with that person to say, listen, I'm not competing against you. You're not competing against me. We're both here. So our team can be successful. So let's work together. Now, if that person is maybe feeling insecure as a person, maybe feeling job insecurity, or they don't have an understanding of team concept.
Speaker: then you let them do you them, right? As long as you don't do anything to harm us or harm me, go ahead and compete to your heart's content. Cause you're in a one man race and all you're racing against is yourself. Cause I'm not going to tap into those issues that you're presenting.
Speaker: Okay. That's good. So I'm going to take, um, I'm going to ask some, some deeper questions, um, moving, moving forward here. I want to know how do you handle double double standards? If you've ever experienced that double standards and microaggressions, has that been your experience? Oh yeah. Um, they exist and they exist where you are a woman in a man's world. They exist if you were a minority.
Speaker: and a majority culture. Sometimes they exist if you are considered to be an outsider of a group that already has a certain dynamic. And at the end of the day, from a legal standpoint, let's take it out of emotional context. From a legal standpoint, you need to give me goals that are measurable and specific that I can meet.
Speaker: Anything outside of that we need to have a conversation about why those goals are what they are I always take it back to why Because if people have to explain their why And sometimes that why I can go five deep. Listen, I'm not trying to and sometimes you have to placate some of you know They're not understanding why you're asking why so in that instance, I understand that I have this goal
Speaker: And you gave my teammate who has the exact same job this goal. May I ask why? Okay, and then if they give you an answer and so why is that? Interesting. Okay, so they have this goal because of this and I have this goal because of this and you made this decision because of this and what do you think the impact is gonna be on the team? And what's the impact for me? And how are we documenting these differences?
Speaker: Okay. So we're documenting them. We're legally finding, uh, following the grueling guidelines and what extra benefit am I getting from doing above and beyond what others are doing for me? Now that extra might be, you may have your eye on another role, a higher role. And so talk that into the conversation. Okay. That extra may be, listen,
Speaker: 30 days I want to review this and if I am where you believe I am I'm asking for a raise That extra may be you know what? I've performed above and beyond my peers. We've discussed this I want a priority in vacation days or whatever it happens to be but don't do extra without a reward in mind
Speaker: That's good, sexy. Because I find myself doing always in a place of having to go above and beyond, but not compensated in any way. In some cases, not even being said thank you to. So I think that just learning, I think what I love about what you're bringing to the table is that you're just basically saying, learn who you are, know what you bring to the table, understand your voice, and know how to communicate yourself
Speaker: to the audience that you have to speak to, which is all great stuff. So how have you handled inappropriate comments or inappropriate emails? Because those things happen, and I've had it where people have emailed me and tagged my, tagged directors on it and all of that stuff and has said, you know, basically tried to make it
Speaker: seem or try to embarrass me or make it seem like I was the problem. So how do you handle those inappropriate or just any kind of inappropriate comments that you may have encountered? OK, so first I want to take a step back a little bit before I answer your question and just remind your audience there's a difference between extra and excellence. We always work in excellence. I'm always going to give you my best, but I'm not going to give you 15 hours for free if you're not paying me for those 15 hours.
Speaker: Okay. In some form or fashion. Okay. When it comes to somebody, you know, sending an email that's inappropriate. Listen, that's a legal document. And so I'm going to reply legally, but professionally. And I'm going to say, I believe that's inappropriate. Here's why. And I would love to have a conversation with you to discuss why you wrote this email.
Speaker: If you'd like HR to be present, I'd be more than happy to have someone else so that we can make sure that we are communicating the same thing and on the same page.
Speaker: So what about, you know, just in, have you ever been a part of like what they would call locker room banter, not necessarily you joining in in the conversation or maybe you've heard or maybe comments was directed towards you in an inappropriate way. Maybe it was about you being a woman or maybe it was about your race.
Speaker: Has that been a situation for you? And if so, how do you regroup from that kind of stuff and still keep your mind in the game? Because sometimes it's really hard to keep your heart there. You know what I'm saying? It's difficult. It is. It's very difficult. I've had people accidentally copy me on emails that are talking about me. And I've had people say things blatantly to my face about
Speaker: where they believe I could and could not go. And at the end of the day, my perspective always is, I always know my value. I always know my worth. If somebody is discussing me in an inappropriate manner, my first thought is thank you. You've told me now who you are. You've identified the type of character you have, and I know who I can and cannot trust. So thank you for showing me who you are, and I'm going to deal with you appropriately.
Speaker: uh, saying that we got from, um, our mentor, um, is you have to learn to handle all the animals in the zoo. So if you're a zookeeper, you're not going to only profit profit if you only deal with the animals that are nice and cuddly and friendly, like a dog and a cat, and it's never going to be anything unique. But I got to learn how to handle the snakes and the lions.
Speaker: and the tigers as well as the cute and cuddly things so I can benefit me and I can benefit those who I'm responsible to.
Speaker: That's amazing. That's a really good perspective, too, as well, Stacey, to just be able to categorize people in a way, not, I won't say categorizing, but just know where they stand and who they are and how you need to move forward with working with them. And I think that that's a good way to protect your mental space. So what are some of the things that you do
Speaker: to protect yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, like how do you stay healthy in environments where you're often the only woman and sometimes even the only black woman in the room? Absolutely. So number one, my faith. My faith carries me far because if not for my faith, I probably would have snapped off in some form or factor. Number two, I set my environment if I am not in a meeting.
Speaker: meaning I will have music that is uplifting. I will have podcasts or audio books that are feeding my soul. I will purposely take breathing breaks or literally just walk around the floor and come back to my desk if I need a moment to clear my head. A cup of coffee is a wonderful thing, right? I can walk, take a moment. I can talk to myself and give myself a speech and reset my mind.
Speaker: to ask myself, why did I allow them to make me so upset? What made me so upset about it? And then what am I going to do about it? So in the instance that you asked me, um, and I told you somebody sent an email and accidentally copied me, I immediately responded and said, Hey, I don't think you meant to copy me on this, but let's have a conversation about it. I look forward to your call. Wow. I'm not going to hide from it. I'm not going to hide from it.
Speaker: If you were bold enough to put it out there, I'm going to be bold enough to respond to you. So either you're going to be better, a better person, or you're going to learn to hide your issues a whole lot better. Either way, I already know who you are. Right. Well, that's, that's all good for me. So I'm going to ask you my final question. How has being the only black woman in the room or just a black woman at the table benefited you? It makes me stronger.
Speaker: I have to know who I am at all times and I have to remind myself who I am at all times and I also recognize that My voice my perspective can open the door for the next African American woman minority to come behind me and
Speaker: And so therefore I am always thinking about the legacy that I am leading and who I am opening the door for. Wow. I love that Stacy. I really, really love that because it is about paving them the way. And I think that I would, I like to say this, I would like to say this to you on air so everybody can hear it around the world, that you have definitely paved the way for people like me, for women like me to,
Speaker: be able to level up and even perform at a higher level. And I thank you so much for all of the wounds and everything that you took to be able to give advice and golden advice like you did today. And so I just appreciate you so very much, Stacey. I love you so much. I just want the world to know that.
Speaker: I love you too. So do you have any resources that you can offer to my audience now? My audience, they're business owners, they're thinkers, they're women in leadership, men in leadership. And so they love resources and books. So what do you, do you have anything to offer? Absolutely. So I am a huge fan of podcasts. So
Speaker: I will listen to Craig Rochelle. He does a once a month leadership podcast for entrepreneurs. I listened to Nicole Walters. For peace of mind, I listened to the Crystal Chronicles. And just those are some main podcasts I'd have listened to. And of course, Miss Alien Treadwell. So of course there's that. And then reading is also extremely fundamental.
Speaker: So there are a lot of great leadership books. Um, you don't have to listen to the ones that I listened to or think about the ones that I think about, but find yourself a leadership book, find yourself a leadership blog and go ahead and make sure that you invest in yourself by spending the time to read. If you're not a reader, listen to an audio book, right? Um, but there are so many,
Speaker: like daring greatly. I just can't even name it. My audible account is full of measure what matters, relational intelligence, the most powerful woman in the room is you, Finding Your Way by Carla Fioreni. So there's so many great leadership books. Find your local bookstore and get to reading.
Speaker: Love that. Well, Stacy, thank you so much for coming on to the show. I so appreciate you and I just appreciate your time. And so guys, thank you for tuning in this week to the Alienity podcast. If you enjoy this podcast, make sure you share with your friends and followers. Don't be selfish because we're not selfish in this squad. And I love you guys so much. And as always stay blessed and be relevant.
