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The #1 Emasculating Thing in Every Unhealthy Relationship | Ep#39
54 Plays4 years ago
There are several well-intended men who slowly lose themselves in a relationship. They do all they can to "love" the other person, not realizing their actions lead to feeling insecure and ultimately causes them to doubt their own intuition. The painful reality is it leads to becoming "less of a man" in their own eyes as well as their partner.
We're talking about codependence... it can be less obvious than you may think.
Today we're going to dive into tangible ways to identify and disrupt the unhealthy cycles created from codependent relationships.
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Transcript
Introduction to Co-dependence
00:00:00
Speaker
Today, we're going to be talking about probably the number one thing that causes men to doubt themselves
00:00:09
Speaker
to not trust their own intuition and ultimately to cut off their own balls and hand them to the person that they love. We're talking about co-dependence. And if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe so that you don't miss any follow-up series for this, as well as give me your feedback, comment on this episode or any others with whatever platform that you happen to be listening to.
Identifying and Disrupting Co-dependence
00:00:33
Speaker
But without further ado, let's talk about identify co-dependence,
00:00:37
Speaker
and then how to detangle it and disrupt it for you to be able to find your strength. Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians.
Masculinity and Emotional Depth
00:00:51
Speaker
We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted.
00:01:07
Speaker
Let's explore the reality of masculinity together. All right, we are going to be diving into this topic. No fluff, straight to the point. And we're just going to get started. So we're going to start by.
Defining Co-dependence
00:01:24
Speaker
First, I think it's important before you break into a topic like something like co-dependence or really any internal
00:01:31
Speaker
paradigm that maybe we are walking around with subconsciously and don't really fully realize what's going on is just to start with the definition like what what the hell is co-dependence it's really hard to see or find or identify where it shows up in your life if you don't know exactly what it is and
00:01:55
Speaker
Codependence, it's really just a matter of any kind of an excessive emotional or psychological or spiritual need or reliance on somebody.
00:02:09
Speaker
And to oversimplify it even more than that is it's if you're not okay, I'm not okay. Now, obviously there's a lot within that and we're going to be unpacking how that can show up or what that can look
Co-dependence in Relationships
00:02:25
Speaker
like. And I think that in some ways it makes sense. In some ways it may be less obvious in how it can show up in your life.
00:02:34
Speaker
But codependence in and of itself is really just, you know what? I am not okay if you're not okay. Life is good. We're at a good place. And I feel good about my life. I feel optimistic and hopeful as long as we are okay. Now, one thing to be aware of, a lot of people associate codependence with, okay, well, that's my spouse or my girlfriend or whatever it may be.
00:03:02
Speaker
That's true. I'm not saying that that doesn't show up there. It's one of the most intimate relationships. And so it's really easy for you to fall into co-dependence within a marriage or a relationship as it grows.
00:03:18
Speaker
But it can also show up in a lot of other places too. If you have kids, you can become codependent on your kids. That's a lot of times one of the deeper drivers of helicopter parents, right? It's those parents that kind of hover and go, ah, well, I'm essentially, unless everything around me feels safe,
00:03:40
Speaker
then I don't feel okay. Meaning, if I don't protect you from any potential negative harm or emotionally if you have an outburst,
00:03:49
Speaker
It needs to get back under control and so that we can be at a good place so that I can feel okay with myself.
Workplace Dynamics and Co-dependence
00:03:56
Speaker
Now there's a lot of other drivers in there, obviously, in the sense of if you have fear or fear could look like fear of rejection or a lot of the childhood trauma that shows up within your own kids. One of the most common things, I'm not going to become my parent.
00:04:14
Speaker
but we're not talking about not becoming your parents today we're talking about the ways that co-dependence can show up and one of those is within your relationship with your kids or what about your coworkers you can actually become co-dependent on your coworkers.
00:04:33
Speaker
You can look to them for assurance and reassurance or for permission, or maybe a boss kind of becomes a father or mother figure internally. And inadvertently you become codependent with them. It can show up in friends. I've had friendships that.
00:04:55
Speaker
Some would say, Oh man, you're so lucky to have that friend. And I really am fortunate in the sense of the friendships that I've cultivated in my life, but some of them had become codependent. Some of them had gotten to a place where.
00:05:14
Speaker
If I branch outside of what is comfortable for what our relationship has become, it all of a sudden exposes certain ways that we're codependent because you fall into this routine or rhythm in your relationship.
Loss of Self-trust and Validation
00:05:30
Speaker
And in that rhythm, you inadvertently look to one another to be okay with life, to get permission in life.
00:05:40
Speaker
The bottom line is, is that it can show up in just about any relationship that you have. And when it does, when it becomes an intricate part of your relationship or your internal dynamic within that relationship, that's when it gets really messy. Because that's when you fall into not trusting yourself.
00:06:03
Speaker
or feeling the need to run everything by them, or they inadvertently become your source for strength or for hope or your guidance. I don't think there's anything wrong. There's wisdom in counsel, so please don't hear me say that you shouldn't listen to anybody.
00:06:25
Speaker
and that there's no wisdom in surrounding yourself with people that know you intimately and can call you on your stuff. If you've listened to more than one of my episodes, then you know that that's not what I'm saying. I'm a huge proponent on building community. But any one of those relationships can fall into a place where if it falls into the unhealthy side of things, the codependent side of things,
00:06:52
Speaker
And it is time to take inventory as to how that is affecting you and how it is causing you to essentially be less than the man that you know you can be.
00:07:03
Speaker
We as men are meant to take risks. If you are not taking risks in any area of your life, you slowly feel emasculated because it's an intricate part of who you are to grow and develop and continue to expand who you are as a person as well as your legacy is what you're leaving behind.
Inner Voice and Personal Growth
00:07:28
Speaker
And if you're codependent with somebody,
00:07:31
Speaker
And all of a sudden, everything, now when I say everything, I mean everything has to be run by them. What you're doing is you're removing the ability to hear the deep inner voice, to trust that inner voice, to trust that inner King that lies within you. You remove the intimate relationship with God that we all need at the times that we're at the end of ourselves.
00:08:01
Speaker
And essentially that other person, that spouse, that partner, that girlfriend, fiance, they become your God. Not, not in every area. I'm not saying that you are a puppet that needs.
00:08:18
Speaker
them to pull on a string for you to have permission to do anything. I'm talking about subconsciously, you begin to drive everything by them. You run everything by them. And if they're not okay with it, maybe you have this great idea or you really feel like you should move in a certain direction in life.
00:08:39
Speaker
And if they question it, then all of a sudden you question it. If they aren't comfortable with it, then all of a sudden it loses its validity in you.
Imbalances in Relationships
00:08:51
Speaker
That's a sign of the fact that you're codependent with that person. Another area that it shows up is in our needs. We all have needs that need to be met.
00:09:05
Speaker
And when you are trapped in an unhealthy codependent relationship, then all of a sudden their needs are more important than your needs. Their needs are more valid than your needs. And if you are a two on the Enneagram type twos can easily fall into this, where as a helper, as someone who wants your hard wire to be supportive.
00:09:36
Speaker
All of a sudden it feels counterintuitive or against the grain of who you are as a person to say, you know what, I need time away. I need to just be alone. I need to be able to exercise. I have these needs that I need to express.
00:09:55
Speaker
and they're valid, right? You, you devallidate your needs at the expense of trying to be a good person, trying to love your significant other well. And if there are times where you need to set yourself, your, your ego aside and serve and love and, and help that other person. I'm not saying to not do that.
00:10:26
Speaker
But if the cornerstone of your relationship is built on, their needs are more valid or more important than yours, then that's, you're in a codependent relationship. And sometimes it's really hard to even see that for what it is because they can be inadvertently gaslighting you. And I know gaslighting is often associated with men abusing women, but it goes the other way around.
00:10:57
Speaker
If your needs are slowly devalidated in a relationship, that other person is gaslighting you. And so it's really hard to validate your needs when slowly over time, more and more simple requests seem
Breaking Free from Co-dependence
00:11:21
Speaker
inconvenient or there's, there's an explosive response in reaction to you expressing your own needs. And so what do you do? You slowly just begin to shut down. You slowly begin to be quiet. You slowly begin to walk on eggshells. And the goal of breaking out of a codependent relationship is not to become an asshole.
00:11:45
Speaker
at all. It's actually the opposite. It's to be able to be grounded and strong and let the other person react in whatever that looks like. But you are anchored in your emotions. You're not reactionary. You're not trying to appease them. And so you're actually okay if they're not okay. You are going to be okay if they're not okay.
00:12:11
Speaker
And if the thought of that is really scary to you, then there's a really good chance that you are in a codependent relationship. Because the truth is as men, we're meant to be emotionally strong, to be emotionally proactive, to be anchored. Because what happens is when you do that, you become a safe haven for that person that you love.
00:12:41
Speaker
and a woman's emotional energy, they may, depending on the cycle of the moon or their own menstrual cycle, et cetera, their emotions may be elevated at times and they need you to be that safe space to not get caught up in a downward spiral that's triggered in you being reactionary or trying to appease them.
Self-control in Conflicts
00:13:07
Speaker
You know, I had a client where,
00:13:10
Speaker
He was talking about how learning how to take control of himself rather than trying to essentially control her. This is all out of love, but what he found himself doing was I'm trying to control her by quote unquote loving her because when she becomes emotionally volatile,
00:13:34
Speaker
then I'm not okay until we are okay. So I have to figure out what do we have to do? Do we need to talk about it? Do we need to have makeup sex? Do I need to buy you a gift? What needs to happen here so that we can get back to a happy place? And learning how to turn that response, that knee jerk reaction response, that reactionary response inward and go, okay, I'm gonna actually control me instead of trying to control her.
00:14:02
Speaker
I'm going to look at why is it so scary for me if she's not okay and you begin to take personal responsibility and ownership. What you're doing is you may not be giving her what she needs in that moment or what she thinks she needs in that moment, but really she's going to respond to why I don't feel controlled.
00:14:25
Speaker
He's not taking the bait in the sense of pulling, pulling us into this familiar place and it's fundamentally changing. And it may be what I want, but it's also really scary. And, and so it may expose, if you've been in a codependent relationship, not reacting will expose these areas that they will likely be triggered in.
00:14:48
Speaker
And if they're not in the same place as in the sense of wanting to work on changing a codependent relationship, there's a really good chance that they are going to become even more emotionally animated because essentially what they're doing is like, wait, hold on. I'm used to flipping out, letting that dictate how we are getting that
00:15:14
Speaker
warped love in response to my freak out. And from that, then I find love. And if all of a sudden you're not responding, you're not being reactionary, you're not doing what we've become accustomed to. That's actually really scary, because it's unfamiliar.
00:15:36
Speaker
And so what am I going to do as the codependent person? I'm going to become even more animated. I'm going to metaphorically kick and scream to try to get your attention even more. And so that's why as a man, you need to be anchored in your emotions, anchored in your strength.
00:15:56
Speaker
Cause let's be honest guys, most of us are not okay with the discomfort of growth compared to what women's ability to be okay with discomfort is. Like they're okay to get, to give you the silent treatment or to give you the cold shoulder and to sit in that tension. This is, doesn't become an arm wrestling game between the two of you.
00:16:25
Speaker
But sometimes you need to be man enough to sit in that tension, to actually rise above that tension and not be a reactionary, but be emotionally anchored. And it's really hard to do when you're stuck in a codependent relationship.
00:16:46
Speaker
It's really hard to do when you're trapped in that cycle.
Recommended Reading: 'Codependent No More'
00:16:48
Speaker
Probably one of the best books I've ever read in this whole topic and on not only how to identify it, but also how to unravel it.
00:16:57
Speaker
is a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I'm sure I'm saying the last name wrong, but that is probably the best source I could give you on how do you just disrupt all of this?
00:17:18
Speaker
Or you might be thinking, you know what, Josh, I feel like I have some codependence, but I'm actually not sure. Well, reading this book, it is really exposing if you do. But if you don't want to get the book. I think an important thing you can do as far as self inventory is just begin to ask yourself.
Self-assessment of Co-dependence
00:17:43
Speaker
Whose voice has more authority in my life than my voice?
00:17:51
Speaker
Who do I rely on from a guidepost in the sense of where I'm going in life more than I rely on me? Again, I'm all for mentors challenging you and I'm all for community who is around you. But as a starting point, if there are individuals that actually trump your inner voice, your inner guidance,
00:18:23
Speaker
That should, that should be an indicator of where co-dependence may lie. I love my friends, but none of them are going to have a louder voice than my own inner voice when it comes to my life. And maybe a different way of thinking about is who am I terrified to live without? And you may say, Josh, while I'm married, I don't want to not live with my, you know, it would be devastated.
00:18:52
Speaker
This is just an internal exercise of going, who am I really genuinely afraid of losing? I'll never forget towards the end of my marriage when, cause I was totally wrapped up in co-dependence and in that I was a complete victim in a lot of ways.
00:19:16
Speaker
And I'll never forget when I said to my ex, I'm no longer going to let the fear of losing you be the driving force for pursuing you. And to me that that's where I was. I was so codependent that I was terrified of losing her.
Personal Insights on Fear and Behavior
00:19:39
Speaker
And that was actually my fuel. It's not love, right? It's, it's this fear management or potential pain management.
00:19:52
Speaker
And so not having that fuel there going, okay, I'm going to love from a strength. And from that strength, I am going to have certain boundaries, I'm going to have certain standards for myself and for my relationships. But you can't do that as long as fear of losing someone is what's driving and dictating that relationship. So who are you terrified to live without?
00:20:24
Speaker
Or maybe another question to ask yourself is what happens if you actually become strong and no longer hold back?
Dangers of Holding Back Strength
00:20:32
Speaker
You no longer cower back in order to appease a relationship, a false sense of peace. Where do you find yourself walking on eggshells?
00:20:48
Speaker
Again, not being codependent doesn't mean permission to be an asshole. It's actually the opposite. It's permission to be strong, to own your strength, to embrace your own inner stability so that you're not reactionary, but you're that safe haven, or you're that strength for the people that are around you. The bottom line is, man, you will never fully
Embrace Discomfort for Growth
00:21:19
Speaker
embrace or acknowledge or realize the strength of the inner king that lies within you as long as you are wrapped up in a codependent relationship. You have what it takes to identify it and fundamentally change it. The question is,
00:21:42
Speaker
Are you man enough to embrace the discomfort of the process required to detangle co-dependence so that you can actually be standing in your own strength and from that strength be loving those around you.