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From Overwhelm to Equilibrium: Emotional Regulation with Dr. Amber Thornton
30 Plays8 months ago
In this episode, we dive deep into the world of emotional regulation with Dr. Amber Thornton.
Key Takeaways:
- The importance of parental emotional regulation for child development
- Common signs of emotional dysregulation in parents
- The impact of unchecked parental emotions on children
- Strategies for improving emotional regulation in oneself and modeling it for children
- The role of self-compassion and accountability in the parenting journey
Guest Bio: Dr. Amber Thornton is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and strong advocate for the mental health and well-being of parents. She is the Host of The Dr. Amber’s Know and Grow Podcast, where she explores thought-provoking topics related to motherhood, parenting, relationships, career, mental health, and the ongoing journey of personal evolution.
Dr. Thornton resides in Washington, DC with her husband and 2 children. She is deeply passionate about helping other mothers and parents fulfill their goals, passions, and find more joy throughout their parenting experiences.
Episode Summary:
Join us as we explore the challenges and rewards of parenting with Dr. Amber Thornton. Learn how to manage your own emotions, create a calm home environment, and break the cycle of emotional dysregulation for future generations.
Episode Highlights:
- Defining emotional regulation and dysregulation
- The connection between parental emotions and child behavior
- Practical tips for managing stress and overwhelm
- The importance of self-care for parents
- Strategies for repairing and strengthening parent-child relationships
Resources:
- Dr. Amber Thornton's book, "A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation"
- Amber Thornton, Psychologist, Washington, DC, 20018 | Psychology Today
- Website: www.dramberthornton.com
Connect with Dr. Amber on Social
Instagram: @dramberthornton
@dramber_knowandgrowpod
Share your experiences and connect with other parents on our social media channels. Let's build a supportive community together! By tuning in, you're taking a step towards prioritizing your mental health and creating a brighter future for your family.
Don't forget to subscribe to Sol Well for more inspiring stories and practical advice!
Want to be a guest on the pod? Send us an email to podcast@solwell.co
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Transcript
Introduction to the Soul Well Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to the Soul Well Podcast, where moms of color find strength and community in the mental health space. Each week we ignite inspiration as we set our intentions with affirmations and dive deep into honest conversations with fellow moms and mental health experts. We're here to hold space for you, to shatter stigmas and elevate the voices of moms of color. We'll fight for policy change, empower you with mindful resources, and most importantly,
00:00:31
Speaker
remind you that you're never alone on this journey. It takes a village to raise a mother. Now let's meet at the well.
00:00:40
Speaker
Welcome back to the Sew Well Podcast.
Conversation with Dr. Amber Thornton
00:00:42
Speaker
I'm your host, Autumn Colon, and today's episode is all about emotional regulation. Do you know what that is? Have you heard of it before? Are you regulated? We are talking with Dr. Amber Thornton. She is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation, a practical framework for breaking the cycle of dysregulation and mastering emotions for parents and children.
00:01:10
Speaker
Dr. Amber is a strong advocate for the mental health and well-being of parents. She loves writing and creating content online that will speak to the everyday struggles of motherhood and parenthood. And when I tell you there were so many gems dropped, we talked about all things emotional regulation, dysregulation,
00:01:32
Speaker
generational trauma, how your emotions impact your children, and your motherhood journey. So I know you're going to learn a lot in this episode and I can't wait for you to hear it. But before we jump into this episode, instead of setting our intentions with affirmations this week, I want to leave you with four journal prompts for processing how you feel.
00:01:54
Speaker
So whether you're feeling anger, sadness, disappointment, I want you to feel those feelings. It's important to feel them as well as process them. And so these four prompts are journal prompts that can help you get to the root and understand why you may be avoiding them or to help you process them. The first one is which emotions am I trying to avoid right now?
00:02:17
Speaker
Why am I trying to hide from this emotion? What does this emotion need from me? And what is preventing me from addressing this feeling? I hope one of these journal prompts resonates with you today or helps you process your feelings. And with that, let's jump into into today's episode.
00:02:40
Speaker
Hey mamas, welcome back to the Sew Well podcast. I'm your host, Autumn Cologne, and today I am so excited to welcome my guest, Dr. Amber Thornton. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hi, I'm so glad to be here. Thank you for having me. Yes, thank you for being here. I'm so excited for this conversation. I already know it's going to be great. You came recommended to me. We connected online. and so I'm excited to to chat with you. This conversation is going to be focused on ah emotional regulation and self-regulation.
Understanding Emotional Regulation
00:03:16
Speaker
And um I'm excited to have you talk about this topic and just dig into it. But before we do that, I would love to have you just introduce yourself, talk about some of the work that you do and what the concept of emotional regulation is.
00:03:32
Speaker
Yeah, of course, of course. So I'm Dr. Amber. That's what people usually know me as online, especially. I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm also a mom of two. I have a three-year-old and a five-year-old. I'm married, living in DC.
00:03:48
Speaker
I'm practicing as a psychologist. I have a small private practice in this area, but then also um daytime job, working at a hospital, soon to transition to a school. So I've got a lot of things going on, um but all good things, all good things. Life is definitely fool is what I like to say. um But I love, I love working as a psychologist and really my training is working with children and families. So I'm often consulting regarding children and their mental health or um working with families and within my private practice and online, I found this sweet spot of working with parents specifically. I love talking to parents about the process of becoming a parent, the process of parenting, but then also their own mental health and how that impacts their their children. And so um this past summer in June, I was able to publish my first book, A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation. Thank you.
00:04:45
Speaker
Um, and it's, it's been such a an amazing journey, um just professionally being able to to write the book and talk about it and um see how it's impacting others and in terms of their own parenting but then also for me personally because I writing the book helped me realize how this topic also touches me as a parent too and so I've grown so much just from this and I'm glad we get to talk about it today but let's look I'll give you the definition of emotional regulation so that we'll all be on the same page um so when I say regulation for instance I'm I'm usually talking about
00:05:26
Speaker
someone's ability to gain composure or to feel balanced or um to get back to equilibrium. Maybe they after they have um been emotionally triggered or distressed in some way, it's really just your ability to um experience that emotion and then get back to your baseline.
00:05:47
Speaker
Sometimes that happens faster than other times, but really it's just can you get back to baseline? So dysregulation is the inability to do that. So it means that maybe you're not able to get back to your baseline or um the emotion may grow in intensity or you may shift to other emotions. you're You're not able to ground yourself. You're not able to feel balanced. You're not able to gain composure.
00:06:09
Speaker
um And I think a lot of times when we talk about dysregulation or emotional regulation, we think of like toddlers, we think of kids losing it and having tantrums. And so I love that this book helped open up this conversation about how you can be an adult, especially a parent, and still struggle with things like this. And there's no shame, there's no judgment, and rather it's let's talk about it so that we can really figure out at the core what's going on and how you can get some more support.
00:06:39
Speaker
Yes, absolutely.
Impact of Parental Emotions on Child Development
00:06:40
Speaker
I think that I love everything you said about um ah emotional regulation and just kind of the concept of what that is. um But I would love for you to just elaborate like why and how does a parent's emotional state impact their child's development and or their parenting and what that can look like.
00:07:03
Speaker
Mm-hmm. This is a great question and a few things. One, I think our children just learn so much from us in general. um they pick up from you know they They just pick up everything from us. They're like a sponge. And as their are their primary um caregiver, your your their parent, they learn and from you, how am I supposed to respond? What are the emotions I'm supposed to experience?
00:07:29
Speaker
How is it okay to respond? A lot of social learning and behavioral learning occurs in that relationship with one's parents or their primary caregiver. So just in that way, we model so much um to our children based on how we handle our own emotions. But then on this other realm,
00:07:49
Speaker
how we address our own emotions also dictates how our relationship might go with our children. So for instance, we know that our relationships really thrive when there's open communication, healthy emotional expression, but if a parent is having difficulty expressing their emotions in a healthy way, it could limit the amount of um emotional safety in the relationship. It could limit the depth or connection in the relationship. It can just hinder the growth in a lot of ways of that that relationship. And so all of these things, we we don't want that, but these are some of the things that can happen. Yes. Can you talk a little bit like as you're saying this, i I'm just imagining the parent that's out there that's just like, I don't know if I'm
00:08:38
Speaker
emotionally regulated or not. How do I know what that is? How do I, how do I understand if that's something that I'm experiencing because I don't want to pass it on to my kid. How can you recognize the symptoms of like, Oh wait, I'm emotionally dysregulated and there's something I need to do about that.
00:08:55
Speaker
Definitely. um In the book, the book is a great resource because in the book I talk about signs and symptoms that you can be looking out for um to to let you know that you might be emotionally dysregulated. And so for emotional dysregulation, you want to look at um One, what emotions are you experiencing on a day-to-day basis? Do they tend to be more negative? Or are they increasing in intensity? are Again, are you noticing that you're having trouble getting back to your baseline? And ideally, one's baseline should be calm,
00:09:28
Speaker
peace you know centered. I know that's not always the case and even that if that's not your baseline or close to your baseline that could even indicate some chronic emotional dysregulation because you know for a lot of parents especially mothers they're they're telling me well my baseline is always a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of overwhelm. I think that has been normalized but I as a psychologist want to hear that you feel more comfortable than that in your day to day. So that could even be, again, ah a sign that, hey, maybe there's some emotional dysregulation that's occurring for you. I think anxiety is a huge one. So if you're noticing that you tend to be more anxious or there's a lot of worries for you or a lot of fears, that can be an indication that there's some emotional dysregulation.
00:10:16
Speaker
but then you know other subtle things that we don't really recognize like difficulty sleeping changes in your mood um changes in your appetite there's also cognitive dysregulation so like mentally you might feel like you're having trouble focusing or you might have a ah rush of thoughts often or it's hard to organize your thoughts or um executive functioning might be challenging for you. So that might mimic some ADHD symptoms, but then there's also physical dysregulation too. So it might be you feel really restless, you can't settle down, you feel touched out, you feel overstimulated. Any sensation in your body that does not does not feel comfortable, doesn't feel good, could be a sign that there's some dysregulation happening.
00:11:03
Speaker
Yeah, um absolutely. It's like, hey, my body's sending me a signal. um I need to do something about that. um And a lot of the symptoms that you describe, like honestly, like I'm just thinking about the moms that I know and my experience of being a mom, like that is often the state the state of overwhelm, always having a to-do list that you feel like you're just you just can't complete and in this state of anxiety. And I think, like you said, that society has normalized this like always constant need to be on and need to be going and like you need to be a mom and you need to be an entrepreneur and you need to have a full-time job and you need to work out
00:11:47
Speaker
um to to get to a point where we can begin to focus in on our emotions, but it is so impactful on the families that we're raising that it's a necessity that we do that. um And later on, I have like, I'm like jumping all the way to the end of the outline, because I'm like, I want to know how to fix it.
00:12:05
Speaker
um But can you talk a little bit about how parents can model potentially positive emotional regulation so that their kids can pick that up? How can we model
Improving Parental Emotional Regulation
00:12:19
Speaker
positively?
00:12:19
Speaker
Yep, definitely. So I get asked this question. And then when I give the answer, people are often like disappointed by it. So just want to brace everyone. Brace yourself. bracing myself This is a great question. You're you're essentially saying how do we um teach I think you said how do we teach our kids or model for them. And so my answer is that you you first have to actually get good at it yourself. So, you know, for instance, I'll have, um you know, parents come to see me and there might be some behavioral concerns or
00:12:55
Speaker
um tantrums with their child and they're asking me, okay, well, how do we fix this? How do i how do we teach the child to better regulate their emotions? um And my question is often, okay, well, how is that modeled in the home? um What does that look like when you are regulating your own emotions, mom or dad or parent, or how does that go for you? And sometimes that can feel like, oh, you know, um we're talking about the child, not me. But it's so important for me to know that because, again, like we just said, kids learn about their emotional world and their emotional experiences, primarily from us. And so what ends up happening sometimes is we might not be modeling proper emotional expression or emotional care and the kids are picking up on it.
00:13:42
Speaker
You know? So I think the best way to teach and to model is to first make sure that we are getting really good at it, too. So it requires us to, you know, read a book like this or listen to podcast episodes like this or watch videos on YouTube about the topic so that you can really um hold yourself accountable and say, OK, when I get frustrated, what do I do? Am I yelling or am am I throwing things or am I just storming off?
00:14:09
Speaker
You know, these things that I see my child do, are they some things that they maybe have noticed that I do or maybe another parent in the home does? So really practicing some of these things for yourself first is the foundation that you need to then be able to model them appropriately for your child.
00:14:27
Speaker
Yeah, yes, we are raising sponges, right? Like our kids are going to do exactly, you know, like what we're doing. um And I, like just vulnerable moment, like I look to my own kids, my kids are 10 and 13, and my daughter can sometimes come across very short, like she can be very like, and I'm like, I recognize myself in her,
00:14:53
Speaker
And because of that, it has forced me to look more inward and try to, you know, shift my behaviors in the home and be like, just, you know, on the go. But as she's developing as a pre-teen, I'm learning about, I'm seeing these behavior be modeled in her. And I'm like, Oh no, we need to, we need to fix and correct. Obviously I'm not saying it in that way to her, but I am checking myself and being like,
00:15:22
Speaker
how am I responding to her father in front of her? How am I handling what my emotions are? How am I, you know, I share with them, I'm very open with my kids about like things that happened in my life, right? Like earlier this year, I got laid off from my job and it was like,
00:15:37
Speaker
I'm telling you guys, I'm sad. I wanted them to see me experience what it was like to go from one frustration and and like deal with that emotion, right? Because life is for the life and they're going to have a job one day. you know Hopefully this doesn't happen to them, but they may get laid off. They may lose something and they're going to need to know how to handle that situation. And so it's the same thing with emotions, right? Like we need to be able to model behaviors in ourselves for our children to be able to pick up on that. So yeah, I love that that was your advice. I'm like, exists because I want parents to get the information, you know?
00:16:21
Speaker
and And I feel like people who listen to this and like people like yourself, they're like, oh, I actually need to hear this because I think a lot of us right now are super open to that type of feedback. you know we We know that we need to be more self-reflective. We need to be more self-aware. Now it's so evident to us you know how much of us influences and impacts our children. and so For y'all, I know, y'all hear that and you're like, okay, absolutely on it because you know I think for some parents, that's just harder to hear. And it's because it it can feel scary to address some of these things or maybe there's some defensiveness because maybe they haven't even realized that um there's this connection between how they're moving in the world and how their child is. and And so I have a lot of compassion for that. It can feel hard to do that in our work.
00:17:12
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And also, um, I was talking to my last guest on the episode. Some, some people aren't even aware that it's an issue because this is just who they are. Like I've always been this way. Like, what do you mean? Like, this is like my tone. Like I remember I'm from New York and so I can, you know, sometimes I say words that are very aggressive, but I used to say things like, you know, oh that's just cause I'm from New York or this is just how I am. But it's actually like,
00:17:38
Speaker
You can control your tongue your tone. You can control what comes out of your mouth. You can actually make a change, but a lot of people just aren't really aware that that they're doing this or that they're just behaving in that way. They don't recognize that the irritability might actually be a sign of anxiety or that, you know, the restlessness might make maybe be a sign of depression, the fact that, you know what I mean? Like they're they're just not, especially in the black and brown communities because it's been so heavily like in doctrine and our culture to just
00:18:15
Speaker
yeah yeah yeah Um, so how can, um, I just want to talk about like the child, the impact on the child, right? Obviously as moms and parents, we want to do what's best for our kids. Um, but can you, can you go in depth a little bit about how unchecked parental emotions can affect a child's longterm emotional health? We know that they'll start to pick up those little behaviors, but longterm, right? Like I'm talking teenagers into adulthood.
00:18:45
Speaker
Have you seen any cases or do you have any stories about what that does to a child's long-term emotional health? Definitely. so it So when you said that it made me think of, let's say 10 years out, right? Or maybe even 20 years out, I'm immediately thinking of, okay, how is this this child now teen or young adult engaging in their other relationships? Because so much of what we're talking about when we're talking about a parent and a child's relationship um or like our emotional world is also like, how do we show up in our relationships? You know, what is that relational
00:19:25
Speaker
Aspect like for us what your kids are learning with you is what they then will take into their adult relationships or their future romantic relationships or their long-term friendships They're gonna take that and then start to use that information or use it to to navigate those relationships so for instance, I'm thinking about let's say we have young girls who are are taught whether it's intentional or not that it's not okay to to share your feelings or you know hey we actually don't want to hear what you have to say go go to your room and cry if you need to
00:20:07
Speaker
That early message then leads to this young woman who is not confident in her voice, not confident in who she is in her emotional experience, or maybe she doesn't feel comfortable voicing her desires in her relationships, whether it's her friendships or her romantic relationships. But the thing is,
00:20:29
Speaker
A lot of times those things aren't very explicit. Like we might not have parents today saying, oh, I don't want to hear that, but rather it could be my child is getting emotional or distressed and I'm shutting down right in front of them. So that then gives the message, I don't want to hear this right now.
00:20:46
Speaker
or if we have parents who yell which again super common that's my issue that I continue to work through the yelling as soon as a child is maybe becoming ah upset or or having a tantrum if we are then yelling that then shows hey we gotta cut this off this is not okay it's not okay for me to express how I feel so I think that's one example of how these messages can unintentionally just kind of seep in and then dictate how a child will then operate in their world. But then also, because children are children, they interpret things in a very child way, right? So for instance, yeah if a parent is yelling, the child might think, oh, I need to learn, I need to be quiet. Well, that maybe wasn't what the parent wanted to express to them, but that's what they received.
00:21:37
Speaker
And so that can follow them. Or same with young boys. I think that we see this a lot. We're hearing this a lot on you know on the internet, just how it's so important for boys to be in touch with their emotional world, their emotional experiences. We need to allow boys to feel all of the feelings, right? But what ends up happening, I think I see this thing a lot where it's like,
00:21:59
Speaker
In childhood, we tell boys to stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. And then when they become young men or adults, we wonder why they show up in their ah relationships so emotionally unavailable. It was because for so long, they were told that it was not okay.
00:22:15
Speaker
yeah And so again, what can happen though is that if a parent is showing up chronically dysregulated, these these messages can be unintentionally sent where it's like, I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to deal with that. I don't have capacity for that. It's coming through in how we are showing up, not through our words, but just how we're showing up when the kid is also in need.
00:22:37
Speaker
yeah So it can get very complex. um And again, that's just two examples. It can kind of manifest in so many ways, but how we show up now can be the driver for the emotional and relational experiences our children have in the future.
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. um I love that you said that. And I love the way that you broke it down in those two examples. And that to me brings up a question of like, okay, we've done, we've done this, right? Let's say
Repairing Emotional Damage in Relationships
00:23:06
Speaker
you're a parent and you've, you know, your kid's 10 years old and you may have emotionally damaged them.
00:23:12
Speaker
Not damaged, but you know, um, you may not have been doing your best to be regulated and to show emotional, like positive emotional regulation. How do you, how do you unlearn that? How do you reel that back in? Um, how can parents check their behavior essentially? And like, and I don't want to say fix or correct, but it's honestly like, how do you fix what you've already put out there? Like you're like, I don't want my kid to be angry as an adult, but like I've already spent 10 years out of touch and irritable and that's now who they've become. How do you correct that?
00:23:47
Speaker
Absolutely. So this is also what I love about our generation of parents is that, um first of all, we're super anxious. So I don't love that for us, but it's just like, we are so anxious about everything. We don't live through the 9-11. We don't have Y2K. We have regular phones, cell phones, pandemic. I mean, we stressed.
00:24:11
Speaker
ah So we're anxious, but we're also really anxious about making mistakes in parenting. And so I tried to soothe that because as I was saying, the other thing I was feeling what you were about to say is just like, okay, well, I've already messed up my kids. so what do i And so what I like to also help parents understand is that repair is is possible, for sure. Our kids are also still very resilient, and so a lot can happen when we take accountability, when we repair, and then when we demonstrate changed behavior.
00:24:52
Speaker
So much can happen like so much you'd be surprised how quickly you can turn something around with your kid or in the relationship with your kid, when you take accountability for what did what went wrong, repair that through some sort of apology or acknowledgement, and then also change your behavior or work towards changed behavior.
00:25:12
Speaker
And so with that, it's never too late to show um or demonstrate a ah ah different approach to your child, even if they're teenagers or young adults. It's never too late to take accountability for, hey, back then I showed up in this way that I actually don't um I don't agree with anymore or or I don't want to do that anymore and so I want to be different. It's never too late to apologize for for a mistake that you made. um And so I say that because I often get parents who are like,
00:25:43
Speaker
you know maybe they had their first child younger and now they have a second and they're you know parenting completely different than they did with the first. and so They have a lot of guilt around, i I hate what I did to my first child or I hate the discrepancy in my parenting now. Well, we get to acknowledge like, hey, I was a different parent back then and I want to be who I'm showing up as today and even for for you. And so I want to apologize for all the ways that I showed up and how it might have hurt you. And this is how we get to move forward.
00:26:16
Speaker
that can be life changing for a child, especially a teenager. But then also our little ones, my toddler, like I i think that for me, my years of being like this woo out of touch, emotionally messed up was my first three years of being a mom. And so I think I'm just coming out of it. And I often think about my five-year-old like, oh my gosh.
00:26:42
Speaker
He now gets this different version of me, but I've definitely had to apologize several times, like, hey, mommy's so sorry for for doing that, and this is what I'm gonna do differently. Or mommy shouldn't have said that to you in that way, and this is what I meant. You know, it's not too late, and it's also not a bad thing to do that for our kids. But also, it's important for them to know that, hey, I can make a mistake and it's okay.
00:27:09
Speaker
I can make a mistake in my relationships and repair it and it's fine. you know my um My love and worth is not conditional um in terms of I have to be perfect all the time. like My parent gets to be imperfect and there's still love and we get to repair. So there's so many lessons that our kids get from that, but then also it's like a reset. We get to reset for them in the relationship too. So it's possible. It's possible to reset when you need to.
00:27:34
Speaker
Yes, I love that. And you mentioned at the beginning that this is so, this is what's so different about our generation versus like our parents, our grandparents generation is because we want to be better. We have this, this desire to like almost, you know, break the cycle, right? And to, and to like, and to be different. And because we know that the way that, you know, some of us were raised It didn't work out, right? We're all, we're an anxious generation for a reason. We're a traumatized generation for a reason. And I hate you know i hate to say that, but it it is the truth and we have the ability now to be to be the change so that our children don't have to be you know on this podcast 20 years later having this thing.
00:28:18
Speaker
You know, having the same conversations. But now what I feel like that's leading me to think just about a adult relationships, right? Like, you know, sure, I can go to my daughter now and I can apologize to her, but I'm thinking about people, like the reason why maybe my dysregulation exists is because of my relationship
00:28:45
Speaker
Right? And so
Bridging Generational Gaps and Setting Boundaries
00:28:47
Speaker
it's like, how do you kind of like, when you come from a big family like that, when you come from, you know, you know, in the culture, we have grandparents that are still babysitting and they're to speak with folk into that, you know, they're very not like our generation. How do you like bridge the gap um between, you know, the boomers to the Gen Z and, you know, all our generation?
00:29:12
Speaker
but
00:29:15
Speaker
like I was about to say, well, you find out, let me know. But no, this is a valid question as well. And I think it's layered because I think of course the first step is educating yourself so that you can do this well for yourself and within your family that you've created. And then you have to kind of go off of the other peoples in your life, their their openness for this. Like you said, if if the people in your life don't care,
00:29:47
Speaker
They don't care. you know And I think, yes, it's it's important to express your desires and and your feelings to your family members. So for instance, if you do have a parent and you want to express to them um some discontentment or some distress or you know a desire for something different in the relationship,
00:30:07
Speaker
Yes, you know communicate that, and then they will let you know whether they are open to that or not. And if they let you know that they're you're they're open, boom, that's your end, move with it. you know That might look like, okay, let's have more conversations about this. That might look like, hey, let's go to therapy together, or hey, let's read this book together. But you know you both committing to this process of, hey, how can we change our relationship for the better?
00:30:32
Speaker
But if you have someone in your life who is not interested, the there for you has to be some sort of acceptance around that. you know I think sometimes people, they want me to say, well, you just got to push and push and push or say this word or say this phrase. No, you know people have to be ready for that in in in and of themselves first. And if they're not,
00:30:55
Speaker
you have to learn how to accept that and then determine for you what that relationship looks like. And it might just be, hey, I just got to accept my uncle for who he is and I still love him, but I may show up a little bit less. Or, you know, that this might mean that I no longer can have a relationship with my big cousin. Or it might mean You know what? I'm just going to accept that sometimes these conversations may not be as satisfying, but I'm okay with it, right? You you have to to figure out your level of acceptance because the truth is not everybody is going to be ready for this type of work or willing to do that, or they might not even agree.
00:31:34
Speaker
You know, so I think, you know, you doing it well for yourself. um So your children will benefit and then hopefully what you the work you're doing will shine through and you'll be able to really decide which other people in your life are also open to this type of work.
00:31:51
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's very advice that you give because we can't control other people at the end of the day. We can only show up and model the behaviors and also put what our boundaries are out there and people, they don't have to accept them, but that also means you don't have to deal with them either if they don't. So I love that you, I love the way that you, you phrase that.
Practical Strategies for Managing Emotions
00:32:12
Speaker
I want to pivot the next half of our conversation just talking about practical strategies right and how parents can manage overwhelming emotions for themselves while also raising kids. like how What are some practical tips and advice that you would give for that?
00:32:32
Speaker
Absolutely. So here I actually would love to share about the framework in the book because it is a the framework is called the PCR method and it's one that I really love because I think there's something in it for everybody depending on where you are in your journey with parenting or your experiences of feeling dysregulated. It's broken up into three sections. The first part is practical. So that is called the practical approach is that first step. The second step is called the conscious approach. And then the third step is called the realistic approach. And for me, I think ideally when you do work in all of those sections and put it all together, it gives you this very comprehensive guide for how to manage and handle dysregulation that might show up in your parenting.
00:33:22
Speaker
So one, the practical piece. So this is the piece where kind of your question actually, it makes me think of this first step in the approach. It's very like, what are the tools? What are the the coping strategies? you know What are the things that I can hold in my hand and take with me on this journey? It's very hands-on, very practical. So In that part of the the framework, and again, all this is in the book, um I got you through this six-step system of really identifying your parenting triggers, um because I think that's a very key key thing for us to do. And parenting triggers to me means any any aspect of your parenting that might elicit an emotional response from you.
00:34:07
Speaker
um And it's important to identify this because parenting can be very hard. And when we have these parenting triggers, we then think, oh, there's something wrong here or there's something wrong with me. But rather it's like, nope, you just need to be aware of your triggers so that you can know how to handle them when they come up, right? So really it's just how do you identify what those parenting triggers are? And then once you identify them, how do you get really good at recognizing them in your environment?
00:34:35
Speaker
So I say that because a lot of times we're triggered all day long and we don't even know it. yeah we just We're just like, oh, I feel this and I don't even know why. Well, no, it's because you were triggered by that thing and you don't even know. So it's really like identifying your triggers, getting really good at identifying them in your environment, and then figuring out, okay, well, what tools or what strategies can I use to manage and or cope or sometimes resolve this trigger. And so, you know, that's where you get to get really creative. And when it comes to coping strategies, people can do anything. There's so many. like
00:35:13
Speaker
many things you can do and so I don't even like to prescribe different things because it's like it's different for everybody it could be taking a bubble bath go take a walk it could be close your eyes and meditate it could be moving your body it could be sitting in silence it could be breathing like whatever you need to do it could be having a conversation it could be closing your door like whatever but Yeah, but the key is you got to know the the trigger that you're trying to cope with. So that is the practical approach is really like I like to help parents know, figure out your parenting triggers so that you can know how to resolve or cope with them. Yeah, that's the practical part.
00:35:51
Speaker
Number two is the conscious approach. So this is one of my favorite parts and this is really like, okay, we've done all the hands-on practical stuff. Now we're going to get more internal and and become more self-aware of what's going on for us internally and emotionally.
00:36:06
Speaker
This part of the framework is where we address reparenting needs. And so, for instance, reparenting to me is, you know, there's this little child inside of all of us who still may have some unmet needs, and it's now our responsibility to meet them for her. And we also have to recognize that maybe our parents can't do that for us anymore. It's really important to do that work. I know, take a deep breath, because that was it, yeah.
00:36:33
Speaker
And it's important to do that type of work because sometimes if we are not aware of what our inner child needs, we will conflate that with our actual child's needs and that can then hinder our relationship with our child, right? So that conscious work of, hey, I need to actually go deeper and get to the core of what my emotional experiences are. Like, yes, I know that there's something in my parenting that's triggering me, but like, why?
00:37:02
Speaker
and And where did it start? Where did it begin? And a lot of times that'll take us back to these early experiences that we've had in our own childhood that just simply need to be addressed. So that's that conscious piece of, hey, let's go deeper. Let's do some more internal work to get to know our emotional experience a little bit better because it's more than just my child spilled the milk. It's something else.
00:37:26
Speaker
It could be control. It could be yeah and be you know like it can be so many things. i love I love that that is one of the approaches because I think that without getting to the root cause, it's really going to be hard for you to identify the trigger.
Recognizing and Addressing Emotional Triggers
00:37:44
Speaker
right It's also going to be hard for you to continue and to upkeep if you just keep stuffing on top of something that needs to be healed from wait wait wait way, way, way, way, way, way back then.
00:37:56
Speaker
You know, I want that. Absolutely. And I think a big one for a lot of parents today is like we get so uncomfortable when our children are like upset or crying or tantrums. And for several reasons, but I know one big core one for us, especially like black people who are parenting today, is like we were not allowed to do that. like Maybe we were not allowed to display that level of emotion or that intensity in our emotions.
00:38:25
Speaker
um It was not okay. And so then to be parenting in a way where we want that to be okay for our children, but our early experiences are saying, but no, that was never okay. That's super confusing for us. And so that's something that we have to address within ourselves and kind of do that internal work of, hey, I want to be this parent who makes that okay, because I know that that contributes to a healthy emotional experience for my child, but then also addressing and healing whatever hurts or wounds or whatever the consequences were, if you weren't allowed to have that space. Yeah, yeah, so it can get very deep. um the The last approach is the realistic
Embracing Imperfections in Parenting
00:39:05
Speaker
approach. This is again, I love all of them. But yeah, so
00:39:09
Speaker
The realistic approach is basically like, hey, I've done the practical work. I got my tools. I got my skills. I'm doing my internal work. But at the end of the day, I'm still imperfect and I'm still going to make mistakes. And I'm going to be real about that. Like this is not this is not me becoming the perfect parent and reading this book or utilizing these approaches does not mean that I will no longer make mistakes. Realistically, I will. And so the realistic approach helps you to radically accept the realities of imperfect parenting because that's just what it is. you know i I cannot help anybody become a perfect parent. um I never will be a perfect parent. And so this part of the approach is really just accepting that. you know Again, I think we talked about that anxiety for us. um we want to We want to do everything right. you know We want to break generational curses. We want to like give our kids this completely new experience.
00:40:07
Speaker
and that is could sometimes be really unrealistic. So we have to be very realistic about, yes, I am doing some things differently. Yes, I am doing some work. And that does not mean that I will not make mistakes. And so that's where that, you know, but we get to repair, we get to apologize, we get to hold ourselves accountable. Those are all the ingredients that can help make up for the mistakes that you will keep making as a parent. Yes, that's so good. Oh, my goodness. Radical acceptance, I think
00:40:37
Speaker
I just learned that term this year, and it completely changed things for me with my mental host diagnosis, diagnoses, and also with my parenting that like i it's okay, I get to do it again tomorrow. like Just accepting, just accepting. And I love that that is, those are all really great you know strategies,
Mindfulness and Holistic Approaches in Parenting
00:40:58
Speaker
all three. I'm like, I could do all three, right? Mix it up.
00:41:01
Speaker
um and the your book is going to be listed you know in the show notes so for anyone that's interested and like taking on these practices and learning more about it definitely check out the book um do you ever approach or um when you're working with your clients or parents clients do you ever approach it from like a mindfulness perspective or like um you know you know um when i think of mindfulness or holistic approaches i'm thinking i'm thinking meditation i'm thinking grounding i'm thinking you know all those different things that aren't necessarily like medical but still help to improve um mental health um for many people absolutely absolutely so me as a clinician or as a psychologist i'm super so this will get like
00:41:49
Speaker
very technical i'm I'm a very integrative psychologist and so in the field of psychology there's so many theories. There's mindfulness, there's cognitive theories, psychodynamic theories, attachment theories. I love them all.
00:42:01
Speaker
and so i i I want to know as many theories as possible so that I can integrate them because I realize that people need different approaches at different parts of their lives. And so this theory in this book as well, or this approach is also super integrative. And so it does integrate some components of mindfulness, especially in the conscious approach. Because with mindfulness, the goal is to get connected to yourself, to be grounded, And to just be become more aware of your emotional experience. That's one goal or a few goals of mindfulness. That's also the goals of the conscious approach. And so that conscious approach utilizes some mindfulness. And so, for instance, self-reflection, we talk about that a lot in that section because it's like,
00:42:52
Speaker
you You can't get to know yourself if you're not reflecting about your personal experiences, your emotional experiences, your day-to-day experiences. And we we can use mindfulness exercises or journaling to help you get to know yourself better. So yes, absolutely. I don't think we can do the conscious part without mindfulness. We have to be mindful and aware.
00:43:15
Speaker
Yeah. Yes. I love that you said that. I'm like, I'm a journal girl. I love journaling. I love it all. I'm like, I'm okay with the medication and the mindfulness, all of it. Like, I need all of it. Give me, give me it all. Um, yeah, that's so funny. Medication and mindfulness. That's hilarious. That should be a T-shirt. Medication and mindfulness. Because give me all of it if I need it. Give me all of it. Give it to me. Yes.
00:43:39
Speaker
Um, I want to, for our last section, it's really about supporting parents and seeking help, right?
Seeking Professional Help for Emotional Regulation
00:43:46
Speaker
So when do you think parents should consider seeking professional help for emotional regulation? And if so, what is, uh, what does a first step look like?
00:43:57
Speaker
They should start now like just like I got just Any time any time like and that's the beauty of the time that we live in you don't got to wait until it's an emergency You don't have to wait until it's a crisis You don't you don't even have to wait until you see the the the effects of it in your kid No a if it's in your mind and you want to talk to someone about it you get to just do it and So I just think that parents she should seek support for this early and often. um So like ideally, I love when there are adults who are about to embark on the parenting journey and they realize like, hey, there there probably were some things in my emotional or my you know my young adult, my young years, my childhood with that could interfere with my ability to handle my emotions. So I'm going to go to therapy.
00:44:48
Speaker
That's perfect. Or like if I've had some past traumas or, you know, I have a history of anxiety. That absolutely means that you might struggle with this once you become a parent. And so that's a great time. It's also a great time. Maybe you are earlier in your parenthood journey. Maybe you just had your kids and you realize like, oh, I'm, I'm not who I used to be. You know, I'm, I'm yelling more or there's this mom rage that I'm experiencing. That's a perfect time. or maybe you're realizing you are seeing some things in your kids that's making you wonder, oh, is it because I've been yelling or because I do this perfect time? Really, any time in the parenting journey is a good time because I think parenting is such a big experience that I just don't think we give it enough credit. like Becoming a parent is just earth.
00:45:38
Speaker
groundbreaking. It is completely, I don't know, I'll speak for myself, completely cracked me open in terms of like, oh man, like this whole new experience, these whole new feelings, like this whole new version of me, I was not prepared. So any time in your parenting journey, when you feel like you need to talk about this, please do.
00:45:58
Speaker
And I think, again, um were luckily, we live in this time where there's books about this. There are podcast episodes about this. There are people talking about this on YouTube, um but also working with a therapist. You can work with a therapist or a psychologist about any of this stuff. I am happy to work with parents um about this. and It could be in family therapy or it could just be your own individual therapy, just bringing it up to your your a therapist or your psychologist that this is something you want to talk about. Absolutely. um You don't need a mental health diagnosis to do this. You don't need to already have any concerns. If you want to talk about it, absolutely do it.
00:46:40
Speaker
Yeah. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much for mentioning that. Anytime is a great time.
Understanding and Handling Mom Rage
00:46:45
Speaker
um I think that what one thing I heard you mention really quickly, if you could give a brief summary of what is mom rage. What is mom rage? And I've heard that term, but maybe someone listening has not heard what that is and they may be experienced in that or want to recognize what's going on with them. So could you give us a little brief?
00:47:08
Speaker
ye So I this is something I very much experienced and it was like yo who what is going on like who am I this is not who I used to be and so for many women myself included when you become a parent or a mother you notice that there's this sharp uptick or this increase in irritability, frustration, anger, and or rage. And so again, that could look like yelling, that could look like outbursts, that could look like um a lot of tearfulness or crying, that could look like more arguments with your partner or even with your your child or other family members.
00:47:49
Speaker
there's this increased externalizing of emotions that for many women is just not familiar because maybe that's not how they used to operate or navigate the world or their relationships in the past. So again,
00:48:04
Speaker
increase frustration, irritability, anger, or rage that can be surprising and maybe doesn't feel um like your your true self. um is that That's how I would describe mom rage. It often comes about shortly after becoming a mother or maybe in postpartum.
00:48:23
Speaker
it sometimes can be indication of postpartum depression or just, you know, depression that maybe has been there for some time. um But it's really a shift in in how you and your emotions are expressing and it can be surprising.
00:48:37
Speaker
Yeah, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. Um, one of the other things that I heard you say in your last answer was about
Mental Preparation for Parenting
00:48:45
Speaker
educating yourself. Like I think when you are first learning that you're going to be, you know, be a mom or become a parent, you're like, I gotta get the what to expect book. I gotta get the, you know, I gotta prepare the house. I gotta to do all the things, but also as parents, we have to prepare our minds.
00:48:58
Speaker
as well. And so seeking therapy, but even before you bring a child into the world and and into the, into your, you're going to be a parent forever. So continuing, should think about like, you know, what type of parent am I going to be more so than what's, you know, is are we going to wear home?
00:49:22
Speaker
You know, a lot of us are thinking about, you know, oh my God, my baby's going to be so cute. My baby's going to, you know, and that's fun. That's excitement. We get it. But also like, how can you train your brain? How can you fill your mind with resources to help you become the best version of yourself and the best type of parent? So your child can also be emotionally regulated. I think that's just as important as picking the baby shower location and, you know, choosing the right bottle. So that's definitely important.
00:49:51
Speaker
Absolutely, yes. Like, do that work. Like, go to therapy, read a book about your emotions, like, go to marital therapy or or whatever. If you're partnered, like, do that work because I just think becoming a parent intensifies any any challenge or concern that was already there, whether it's in your relationship or in your own emotional self. So, yes, yes.
00:50:17
Speaker
Yeah, get do work, do work. It turns it up just like another option. Yes, for sure. um What type of resources or support groups would you recommend for parents that are looking to start to regulate their emotions in a more healthy way?
00:50:33
Speaker
Mm-hmm. I, you know, I, of course, I would recommend the book, A Parent's Guide to Self-Regulation. I think that's, that goes without saying because we've talked about that so much today. I just, I love this book because it is like a, there's a lot of personal reflection in there from myself. So you get the benefit of having an expert to guide you through this process, but then also a real person who is also a mother with imperfections saying, hey, but you're also not alone. And so what I have found is that people are really benefiting from those two experiences with reading this book. But then also, I just love the conversation online, honestly, about these topics, because I just think so much more now, people are willing to be honest about, hey, this is what's happening, and I'm struggling, or I'm you know i'm working on this. or
00:51:27
Speaker
Hey, this is where I messed up, but this is how I'm fixing it. I think that can be one of the biggest resources because it's like, yes, do your work and and read the books and and go to therapy. But then also, I want everyone to tap into these conversations that are happening online, or if you can find them in person, even better.
00:51:45
Speaker
um So that you feel less alone and so that you are not subject to self-blame and shame and hiding and isolating, right? I want everyone to know what we're talking about today is not just you. You know, it's it's a lot of people. It's a lot of people and you are not alone and you don't have to go through this journey alone.
00:52:06
Speaker
Yes. Well, absolutely. That's so true. And I think that, you know, social media gets a bad rep for, you know, all the things that's negative about it. Right. Like we know this research behind why too much of it can be yeah detrimental. However.
Community and Support for Parents
00:52:20
Speaker
and but also these conversations are happening online. There are communities that are happening online on and they're starting on social media. I mean, I share my very vulnerable experiences on my platform and I know many other moms who do the same and it starts in those conversations. Like the the the change happens by people being vulnerable, by people opening up, by having these conversations so that people don't feel alone.
00:52:47
Speaker
people don't feel like oh my gosh it's just me with mom rage right like no it's not like we're all going through that and there is a community that can support and uplift you and to help you get support um so i i love that you mentioned that that's a great one no one's mentioned on the on the show yet and i think that it doesn't it social media doesn't get a good rap for that but it's a resource it really meant for Look, I would say social media has helped me a lot in my motherhood journey a lot because it's like, you know, I come from a parent, a family who is um just not as open, not as transparent, not as
00:53:28
Speaker
You know, there's not we don't get to talk about these things. And so when I get to meet other women online and and be in community in that way and be honest and more authentic taken and hear other women do it, it really helps me a lot. It supports me. I've i've really developed a lot of really helpful and supportive relationships online too. so Don't dismiss the power of the internet and just how helpful and supportive it can be, whether it's just giving you information or connecting you with people who um really can support you and also understand your experience on a deeper level.
00:54:06
Speaker
Yes, 100%. Thank you. Thank you for that. My final question is, what is your final message of hope and encouragement for parents? I know we talked about not feeling like that they're alone, but if you had just like one piece of encouragement for them, what would you what would you share?
00:54:23
Speaker
Oh, let's see. You know, i I always like to share this message of, you know, I know that so many of us are working so hard to give our children a different experience. And none of that is going unnoticed. You know, even when your kids are little, they might not be saying, oh, you're doing a great job. But guess what? When when they're older,
00:54:45
Speaker
they're gonna say it, they're gonna feel it, and and you're just gonna, I can't wait for all of us to really reap the benefit of all the hard work that we're putting in today because we are working so hard like trying to get ourselves together so that our children can have a really healthy, happy, whole experience and um You're doing a great job. If you're listening and you're you're feeling down or feeling upset about an experience you had with your kids this morning or a mistake you made yesterday, guess what? Tomorrow's a new day and you get to start again and there's nothing you've done that is irreversible at this point. We get to repair it. We get to hold ourselves accountable. We get to apologize and we get to start new. So you're not alone. You've got this and I'm happy to support you throughout the process too.
00:55:35
Speaker
Yes, I love that. That's so beautiful. Thank you so much. Can you talk a little bit about where people can find you, where they can get the book, anything that you have coming up or anything that you want to promote or anything like that I would love. All of this will be in the show notes in the description of the episode. So don't need to, you know, break your neck right now while you're listening. It'll be any descriptions for you to continue you to grab, but just give us a little bit about how we can connect with you.
00:56:04
Speaker
Yes, of course. um um'm I love Instagram, so I'm there often at Dr. Amber Thornton. You can follow me there. um I'm often talking about this topic, but then also sharing little snippets of my own life and my family life and my stories a lot. I respond to DMs all the time, so feel free to send me a question or a comment. I'm happy to talk with you there. um My website is drambertthornton.com.
00:56:30
Speaker
really anywhere on social media. You can find me at Dr. Amber Thornton, but Instagram is probably the biggest one. um And you can also order the book there as well at DrAmberThorton.com. And the book is called Appearance Guide to Self-Regulation. You can order it at any major, wherever you get books, Amazon, Walmart, Target, Barnes and Noble, um anywhere is fine. And for me, I've actually been um i love I'm loving this book. I'm loving talking to parents about it. But more recently, I've been getting opportunities to talk to other mental health professionals about how they can work with parents around this. So that has been super exciting for me. I was in Chicago last weekend um talking to mental health professionals at Northwestern about this topic and how they support their families. And I get to do this for the Dayton Area Psychological Association in a few weeks. so
00:57:20
Speaker
um Also, if you are listening and you're a clinician and you want to have your other clinicians trained, I'm happy to talk about that. Just send me an email, shoot me a message, and we can talk about um what that might look like training your staff. Or if you have a group of parents that you want to have this conversation with, I'm happy to do that too.
00:57:39
Speaker
Yes, thank you so many ways to connect with you. Like you said, Instagram is where people can hit you up. um um I want to thank you again, obviously for being here and sharing this with our audience. I do have one final question. I'm not sure if it's an outline or not, but I always love for our guests to close our episode with an affirmation, scripture or intention. So if you have one that is your favorite, that kind of guides you through your day or something that you leave with your clients, I would love to close the episode with that.
00:58:14
Speaker
Of course. And I actually, I did read that in your outline and funny. In the last section of the book, I have a list of affirmations for parents who are working on this and and doing this work. And so I'm actually just going to pick a few if that's okay. But I feel that maybe the listeners today could benefit from. So I will just say a few. um I trust in my parenting abilities and I believe in myself.
00:58:42
Speaker
I trust my intuition and I make decisions with confidence. I find peace in the present moment regardless of what the future may hold. I trust in my ability to navigate through tough situations as a parent. I am resilient and I am capable of finding solutions for moving forward.
00:59:06
Speaker
I trust that the universe has a plan for me, even if I can't see it yet. And last one, I embrace the unknown and I trust that it holds opportunities for growth. Beautiful, I love all of those. Those are all so good. I hope that our listeners today found one of those that they resonate with and that they learned something today about emotional regulation. I wanna thank my guests, and Dr. Amber again for being here and sharing your experience with us. Thank you so much. This was a pleasure, happy to have been here and I'm excited to hear how your listeners enjoy this episode.
00:59:46
Speaker
Yes, thank you. I'll be sure to share. Thank you again. um This is the close of our episode. I hope you mamas heal well, and we will see you next week on the Sew Well podcast.
01:00:00
Speaker
Hit the notification bell wherever you are listening to us today and join us next week as we delve into more mental health conversations. The Sew Well community offers a safe ground for the transformative healing and restoration of intergenerational trauma, ensuring moms of color have a space to rewrite their stories, recover, live well, be seen and heard. Join us online and on Instagram at Sew Well for daily inspiration, blogs, events, and more.
01:00:29
Speaker
See you next time!