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00:00:01
It's aPARENTly Time for Nurturing Your Mental Health: A Conversation with Hazel Walker, LMFT
22 Plays7 months ago
In this episode, we delve into the importance of self-care and prioritizing mental health for parents. Our guest, Hazel Walker, a licensed marriage and family therapist, offers valuable insights and practical advice. We explore the complexities of modern parenthood and the importance of self-care. Learn how to reduce stress, improve your mental health, and create a more fulfilling parenting experience.
Key Takeaways:
- The challenges of balancing parenthood and self-care
- The importance of prioritizing mental health for parents
- Practical tips for self-care and stress reduction
- The benefits of seeking professional support
Guest Bio: Hazel Walker is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over a decade of experience who helps married moms prioritize themselves again so that they can stop carrying the load alone & build better partnerships with their spouse. This is done through group and 1:1 coaching. Hazel created The M.O.M Program for moms like you who have a desire to feel seen, to not carry the load alone, and to be appreciated for what they do. The program provides a holistic strategy to help prioritize YOU so you can experience more happiness and fulfillment. To schedule a discovery call and to learn more about how Hazel can support you on your journey to owning motherhood, you can head to her website www.itsaparentlytime.com
Episode Highlights:
- The impact of stress and burnout on parents
- The importance of setting boundaries and saying no
- Practical tips for self-care, such as mindfulness, exercise, and hobbies
- The benefits of seeking professional support for mental health
Resources:
- You can find her on instagram (www.instagram.com/itsaparentlytime) where she shares useful tips on how to deal with the overwhelm and navigate challenges in your relationship as parents.
- Mental health resources: www.solwell.com/resources
Call to Action:
Share your experiences and connect with other mothers on our social media channels or hashtag #IAMSOLWELL. Let's build a supportive community together!
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Transcript
Introduction to The Soul Well Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to the Soul Well Podcast, where moms of color find strength and community in the mental health space. Each week we ignite inspiration as we set our intentions with affirmations and dive deep into honest conversations with fellow moms and mental health experts. We're here to hold space for you, to shatter stigmas and elevate the voices of moms of color. We'll fight for policy change, empower you with mindful resources, and most importantly, remind you that you're never alone on this journey It takes a village to raise a mother. Now let's meet at the well.
Motherhood and Marriage Discussion
00:00:39
Speaker
Hey mamas, welcome back to the Soul Well Podcast. I'm your host Autumn Colon and today's episode is a special one. We are talking about motherhood, parenthood, marriage,
00:00:53
Speaker
And I'm excited. Y'all know that's my favorite word. I'm excited today because we are speaking with licensed marriage and family therapist, Hazel Walker. She has over a decade of experience and has helped married moms prioritize themselves so that they can stop carrying the load alone and build better partnerships with their spouse. This is done through group and one-to-one coaching. Hazel has created the mom program for moms like you who have a desire to feel seen, to not carry the load alone, and to be appreciated for what they do. The program provides a holistic strategy to help prioritize you so you can experience more happiness and fulfillment. You can schedule a discovery call with Hazel to support you on your journey to own in motherhood on her website, which is listed in our show notes. You can also find her on Instagram at It's apparently time. If you haven't noticed the episode, that is exactly where it comes from, from her name. It's apparently time where she shares useful tips on how to deal with the overwhelm and navigate challenges in your relationship as parents. Now this episode, the reason why she has a special one is because I think that
00:02:15
Speaker
partnership and communication is so key and so integral. We talk a lot about having support and having a village in motherhood and we don't make these babies alone. um And so for those of us that are partnered and who do have a partner in the home or maybe they're outside the home, this is a great episode to learn about maybe how you want to start communicating better or how you want to parent and co-parent.
00:02:39
Speaker
um So tune in I'm excited for y'all to listen to this episode today's Affirmation is going to be from my favorite deck.
Hazel Walker's Motherhood Journey
00:02:49
Speaker
Y'all know what it is black girl affirmed by the ok and NRX brand um And today's card that I'm pulling it reads I am pure black girl magic. Yes Say it with me. I am pure black girl magic. And with that, let's jump into today's episode. Welcome my guest Hazel Walker. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yay!
00:03:21
Speaker
Oh, thank you for being here. I'm so excited for this conversation. We connected online, like just through our platforms. We both share about mental health and motherhood. And I was seeing your content and I was just like, oh my God, I have to have her come on the show um and talk about ah her perspective and rediscovering yourself after motherhood and all the good things. um So thank you for joining us. um Before we get started, I would love for you to introduce yourself to our audience. Tell us about your background, who you are, all those things. And why are you here today? Yes. Hi, everyone. ah So my name is Hazel Walker and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist with over a decade of experience.
00:04:06
Speaker
and I teach moms how to prioritize themselves again so they can show up better in their relationships with their spouses and so they can get to a place where they're able to create the life that they love and I do this through one-on-one coaching and group coaching as well. um I came to this place uh let's see eight years ago that's when I became a first-time mom and I noticed that some changes were going on for me didn't have the words to put to what the experience was, which was very interesting for me as a licensed clinician. I was like, what is going on? Why do I feel this way? I felt very out of control of my emotions, spent most days crying. I was like, what is happening?
00:04:50
Speaker
um And from that point, I realized, hey, i I feel like I should talk to someone, but I didn't know who to reach out to. And I felt like there was a lack of providers in the area that specifically focused on postpartum needs of moms, especially Black moms. I think at that point in time, I was really um focused on finding someone who looked like me because I felt like they could better understand my experience as a Black mom, as a new Black mom.
00:05:19
Speaker
but I didn't find that. So I sat on the idea, had to work, cause you know, you gotta pay bills and take care of kids and pay for daycare. I just worked, did what I had to do. And then in 2020, I had my second child and it was at that point, you know, the world shut down, we had the pandemic. And that's when I had that inkling again of like, Hazel, you need to revisit.
00:05:43
Speaker
this idea of supporting postpartum moms. That experience with my second child was a little bit different in that I wasn't as emotional and I think that that's because I took some time to really figure out what was going on for me during that time with the first child. I also started therapy, yes.
00:06:03
Speaker
Clinicians have therapists as well because we need it. Our lives are happening at the same time. But I also went to therapy to be like, hey, this is what was going on. This is normal for you to doubt yourself and to hold on to that anxiety and that mom guilt and feeling the pressure to be perfect. um So with my second, I was able to manage my expectations and make necessary adjustments so that that journey as becoming a new mom over again wasn't as difficult. So here I am still very passionate about supporting moms three kids later. I feel like it's such a need and there aren't enough of us doing this work, especially for our moms of color.
00:06:49
Speaker
Yes, yes, um thank you for sharing that and it's so true, which is why I was like at the end of this episode we could not think about the same thing because we hear and we see a lot on social media and.
Challenges in Motherhood
00:07:01
Speaker
in the marketplace, like everyone's talking about mental health now. And it's, I'm a mom and I've been a mom pretty much like all I want to say, I've been a mom since 19 years old. So it's really all I know in my adult life. And so, and I've also suffered with mental health all my life. And so for me, I was like, how can I find space where women are discussing these situations and these conversations more openly?
00:07:26
Speaker
Um, and you know, like you were saying, it just didn't exist. And so I love that your journey inspired you as a clinician to, to lean in to, um, supporting moms, moms of color, um, in that postpartum phase. And so it's obvious why you leaned into, um, leaned into that, um, because you're passionate about it, but can you talk a little bit about the differences in your journey between child number one,
00:07:50
Speaker
And then child number three, right? Because you said like, I wasn't really sure. And then like, now you got three kids later doing the work. Like what is that experience been like for you? Yeah, yeah. So child number one was difficult because that was a brand new experience for me. Didn't know why I was crying mo more days than I wasn't. I had placed an immense amount of pressure on myself. One of the expectations that I had was that I was going to breastfeed my son for a year. And anyone who has breastfed their baby, they understand how exhausting and how much that requires of you, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. And if you're not in the right head space, it can be a challenge. And if you also don't have the support, it can also be a challenge. um So I had that
00:08:39
Speaker
expectation that was based on, ah I think subconsciously, I didn't realize how hearing and my mom tell stories about me being breastfed up until a year, how subconsciously I held on to that because I said, Oh, she was a great mom. She did this. Look how this is something I need to do. So I applied myself. And then when I was struggling with breastfeeding and pumping. Because, you know, when you go to the pediatrician, they're like, oh, you got to pump. You got to see how much your baby's getting. Right. How much your baby weighed and lost weight. Oh, Yeah. And I was like, this is too much. I can't pump and feed. Like, it became very overwhelming. And then I also was extremely disappointed in myself because I was like, here I am failing at the one thing I felt like I was going to be really good at.
00:09:25
Speaker
as a new mom um with breastfeeding my child. So I really struggled with that. ah you know He had to eat, so we ended up giving him formula. But I think I still carried that guilt of, I didn't do what I was supposed to do as a mom because I didn't breastfeed my baby.
00:09:42
Speaker
um And I don't think that there was anyone in my corner saying, hey, it's okay. A fed baby is the best way that you can go, whether it's a combination, breastfed, formula only. As long as they're fed and healthy, that's all that matters. But for me, I held on to this unrealistic expectation. and Baby two, I was able to make some adjustments and I got to a place where I was like, I rather look at my child and have a positive reaction to that than force myself to try to make this breastfeeding thing work.
00:10:16
Speaker
and sever that relationship because feeding my baby has now become a trigger. So I was like, this is not what I'm going to do. Formula it is, and we're going to figure this out. Baby three was not prepared for. I had fully accepted that I was going to be a mom of two and a boy mom. And then when I found out that I was pregnant with a third one, it definitely um I think it rocked me in a way that I wasn't expecting because I remembered how hard postpartum with the first baby was. Right. And with the third baby, I really struggled. um You know, it's pandemic, post-pandemic.
00:10:57
Speaker
So I had to labor and have my baby alone. um I also got really sick before giving birth. So that experience was a little traumatic for me. So I had to have an emergency C-section. That's to kind of go through that process by myself. um So that transition and that journey of now going from a mom of two to a mom of three, that was really, really hard. And with two, it feels like you can divide and conquer. One can go to one parent, one can go to the other. But when you have three kids versus two, you are all up there.
00:11:33
Speaker
heard is And it's a new level of chaotic that I don't think I was mentally, physically, or emotionally prepared for. um So I think with baby number three is where I really had to dig deep and work on a mindset shift, work on adjusting those expectations, really connecting with my village or my community of support.
00:12:01
Speaker
um And I think my husband and some really, really good friends are the ones who saw me at like my low, low. And they were the ones who were able to speak into me and encourage me and also doing my own work individually is really what helped me to get to this place of like creating this program that I have, combining my own experience as well as my um educational background and research.
00:12:29
Speaker
to really create this program. that me Yeah, I love that. And one of the things that stood out to me in your story as you were sharing is and this expectation, this expectations that we have going into motherhood, you know whether it be like hearing it from your mom or your sisters or your aunties. Like, oh my God, you breast cut. I needed you too. I know for me, my mom gave birth to four kids, no epidural. like She was very much like, oh, I
00:13:04
Speaker
So I understand like where you're coming from and how those expectations can actually hinder us, right? Like a lot as we go into our journey, can you talk a little bit about that? Like whether it's something that you see your clients that you work with or your own experience, like how those expectations can actually like hold us back from enjoying bits and pieces of our own motherhood journey.
00:13:29
Speaker
Yes, that is one of the biggest challenges that I see my not only my mom clients, but postpartum couples or parent couples that I work with. That is one of the biggest challenges that I see them struggle with is accepting that the reality of what their experience is, is very different from the expectations that they had.
00:13:50
Speaker
And they struggle with finding ways to either let go of that expectation because they're real. They've come to a place where they realize this is not working for me. This is not working for us. How can I make an adjustment and how can I be okay with saying, I'm going to let go of this, but I still recognize that.
00:14:09
Speaker
We're great parents, like just because I'm no longer holding on to this expectation does not mean that now I'm a humble parent I failed my child. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. um So really being able to sit down and ask yourselves these questions around like, why do I hold this expectation, where did it come from.
00:14:29
Speaker
Is this still serving me? And what's an alternative? And ultimately, like what's the outcome that you're looking for? Are there other ways that you can define what it means to be a great mom? And if so, what are those things? And it may be different from what you saw your mom do and your grandma do and your aunts do. It might be very different and that's okay. The whole point of it is being able to create your own motherhood story. So like writing it the way you want it to um look. If you want to show up as the mom who gives your child choices, that's OK. Because I know that for some of us, we didn't grow up really having a choice. yeah um It was you do what I say, not what I do. And don't talk back to me. right There really wasn't um the ability to like be free and be your own independent person as a child without being labeled as rude.
00:15:24
Speaker
So if, for you, you're like, I want to do things differently, that's not the type of mom I want to be, yes, my children will understand what it means to respect their elders and to respect others. But I'm still going to allow them to be their own and independent individual person. And that's OK. You get to decide what that looks like for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Expectations, like, it can make or break, you know? But it's all about, being like you said, being able to adjust what they are and make your motherhood journey.
00:15:53
Speaker
for you, which is a good for me to just pivot into just some of the common challenges that you typically see in your, you know, your mom clients or your parent clients, right? like Well, actually in this part, let's focus specifically on the moms, because we're going to get into the parenting and the dads too, but this is for moms. So what are some of the common challenges that you see moms face after having, you know, children, right? Whether they're going from zero to one or three to four, um right? Like such as like overwhelm, right? Or exhaustion, right? Or feelings of isolation. Can you talk a little bit about what you're seeing in your clients?
00:16:33
Speaker
Yeah. ah Some of the top challenges that I see is a fear of asking for help. And in some ways that's connected to this expectation of in order to be a great mom, in order to be the perfect mom, I have to do it all on my own. Or I have to sacrifice my all for my children, for my partner.
00:16:53
Speaker
ah for my family because by doing so, i I don't know, get this medal, the most amazing mom in the world. So I really see a struggle with that, being able to ask for help. Also recognizing like when there's too much on your plate. um I think we have a tendency as moms to say yes and to take on more than we can handle. And then when we're in it, we're stressed, things start to fall apart. And there were like shocks, I wish I had said no.
00:17:21
Speaker
um But I think that um not recognizing when you've met your limit, being afraid to ask for help um and not having like good boundaries around your time and your mental and emotional energy are some of the main challenges that I've seen my mom clients have. Yeah.
Balancing Parenting Roles
00:17:42
Speaker
And I want and i want to say like the one specifically about not asking for help.
00:17:47
Speaker
is so common. I feel like just all like just even if you're not a mom right like in black culture it's like I can do this like I don't need no help I need no man like I got it all like there's this like aspect of like I can do it also like there is no reason for me to have to like ask somebody for help and which is crazy because like you didn't make this baby he's a parent too And, but also I feel like in our culture, just in African American culture, right? Both of us are black women, right? So we just are raised with this, like, you can do it at all. Like you can take everything on. And it's like, okay, we need to start to unlearn that behavior. And unfortunately, a lot of that i'm learning is happening after you've had to actually go through some hard
00:18:39
Speaker
stuff and and be challenged and be broken and be overwhelmed and burned out. and you know We have to be advocates right in in our generation for no, let's say no. No, let's actually ask for help. And no, I actually do need community because I can't and shouldn't have to do it alone. you know Yeah. I really feel like that ah imbalance comes into play during maternity leave. Because we already know that in this country, mom's parents period are not given the adequate amount of time yeah that they need.
00:19:20
Speaker
for both individuals to adjust to what this major life transition brings with it. Yes, mom is um and navigating the physical, mental, and emotional changes. Dad didn't go through any physical changes, but there are some mental and emotional changes.
00:19:36
Speaker
ah that they're going through. And also considering like if they are seeing their wife or partner struggle mentally and emotionally, that also has an impact on them, even if they're not going through exactly what their partner is going through. And for some men, it can be scary if they see their partner experiencing postpartum depression to the point where they are considering ending their life or they're like, I don't want to be here anymore. What's the purpose? um And like seeing the partners experience postpartum psychosis, like all of that is scary and also has an impact on the non-birthing partner. So being able to create a space where there that imbalance isn't created, like right off the bat, because moms,
00:20:23
Speaker
are allowed to stay home with their baby for 12 weeks. Some moms not that long, right because it's not guaranteed that you're going to get that full 12 weeks paid depending on where you work. So some moms don't have that opportunity to be home that long. And quite honestly, 12 weeks is not enough. like right That's usually when the baby goes through like their first sleep regression. You're exhausted. They're exhausted. You're still figuring out this breastfeeding pumping thing. Plus they're eating, doing all the ochis. Yes.
00:20:56
Speaker
So it's it's really hard, but I feel like that imbalance gets set up then, right? Because usually the dad goes back to work first and how that plays out is, well, mom takes on everything because, you know, dad has to go to sleep early so he can wake up early and go to work. So mom spends most days home with the baby and it's at that pivotal point where moms can either say, yes, I understand that you're working, but like I'm working too. I'm not going out and bringing in money, but this is work. And yeah we have to figure out a way to ah share this load or else at that point, that's where that new way of functioning sets in.
00:21:37
Speaker
Yeah. So that now when mom starts to go back to work, well, who's going to do all of this, right? Is the expectation, does the expectation continue that mom's going to continue to carry that load because she's been doing it for the past three months? Or does a shift take place? But I really think that that shift has to take place before mom goes back to work. um ah So that we're not now at like three, four months in of habits being formed, where we're having to work really hard to undo these patterns that we've created as a couple.
00:22:07
Speaker
Yeah, and yes, that's so good. And I think I just think back to my own journey. Like I remember with my first son, my husband stayed home for maybe like a week. And then it was like, after those seven days, I was like, okay, well, I guess this is my life now. like Like, I'm just gonna be attached to this baby in this chair.
00:22:27
Speaker
for like, you know, because and I was just, you know, like, I obviously like he supported me when he came home. But during that time, I was just kind of like, what am I supposed to do? What is like, it was really, really challenging for me. And I love the way that you talk about having those conversations very early on. Can you talk a little bit about what those conversations can look like with your partner, right? Like, what should moms be saying, how can they, you know, ask their partner, Hey, this is what I need for support. Cause we know a lot about the second shift, right? Which is typically what happens. Like moms go to work for their first shift and they come back home and there's a second shift they got to pick up, which is mothering, right? Or home and all that. But that second shift is for everyone to bear, right? You know, the dad is included, but how can moms honestly and like practically have those conversations with their partners?
00:23:20
Speaker
Yeah, I think the first part is realizing what you need as a mom. And I do this with my clients too of saying you have to be more introspective, you have to take time to like slow down so that you can identify what are these things that are important to me? What is it that I need? For example, like when I'm feeling overwhelmed, what's that thing that I need to do in order to regulate my system so that I can jump back into whatever task it is that I'm doing?
00:23:48
Speaker
One thing for me, I've realized that when all of the kids are calling my name at the same time, it's overwhelming for me. So I have to say to my husband, hey, I need to take a time out. I'm going to go upstairs and sit in the closet in the dark. Can you please keep them down here? Please do not allow them to come upstairs. I identify what I need. That is because I've taken time to understand myself, understand what do I need when I'm overwhelmed? What do I need when I'm stressed? What do I need when I'm feeling down? So that when it comes time for me to ask for that, I can be very specific with my partner with what I need in that moment. And he's able to follow through. Kids, you you all need to stay down here. If you need anything, you have to come to me. Don't go looking for mommy. She's unavailable. And sometimes I just have to sit in a closet in the dark.
00:24:41
Speaker
allow myself to zen ze out. yeah And then I can jump back into being that team with my husband. Because if I push through, which is something that we like to do with mom, just push through, we'll figure it out. It's almost the end of the day.
00:24:58
Speaker
Sometimes we can, but being able to take that pause, recognizing what I need, being able to specifically communicate what it is that I need, I'm then much better able to jump back in and show up as the mom that I want to be versus that mom that brings about shame, yelling and screaming and losing myself on the kids. That's not how I want to show up as a mom, but I have to be able to recognize what I need in those moments so I don't show up as that version of myself.
00:25:25
Speaker
Yeah. And I love when you're talking about um recognizing what you need. And one of the ways that I have found recognizing what I need, like how to find that is like I started doing a self-care menu, which is like, how can I just write down a bunch of things that I'm like, maybe this can help me. Maybe it's going into the closet. I like to lay on the floor, which is like really I know it's just like this nervous system reset for me where I they lay on the floor and I feel a coldness on the floor and I like do, you know, do a little tapping, you know. Um, so for me, like that's one of my things, but another thing for me might be going for a run or another thing might be calling a girlfriend. So like creating a venue of options, like you said, so that way if you're feeling overwhelmed in a moment, you're like, I can go to this one thing from my menu of things that I know that can like recenter me and bring me down and like do that thing. um So yeah, yeah, I love that like the whole idea of knowing what it is that you need so that you're able to ask for it, right? um and And get the support that you need, whether it's like, hey, I need you to do over like
00:26:45
Speaker
Yeah. Talking about those expectations are so important. I tell my clients, I need you to over communicate whatever you're thinking. Say it because you're going to hold on to that expectation. And if you don't share it with your partner, they have no idea. Yeah. Now here you are upset at them because they're not meeting a need that you never communicated.
00:27:04
Speaker
And they're feeling frustrated because they're like, well, why are you coming at me this way? You're annoyed because you feel like they're not meeting that need. But it's like, we didn't talk about it. They have no idea what's going on in your head. So you have to be able to say, hey, this is what I'm thinking. This is how I feel. This is what I need.
00:27:22
Speaker
How
Redefining Self-Care
00:27:23
Speaker
does that sound to you? How can you show up for me? And I think being able to start the day too, before you like get going with the kids, as you all are laying in in bed, before you get up, being able to say, hey, what can I do to lighten your load today? What can I do to support you? What can I do to help you feel connected to me? like Starting the day off with those questions can really help to set the tone so that you're both aware of the expectations that you're carrying and you're holding on to.
00:27:52
Speaker
Yeah, I love those questions. I'm going to like pause this piece and like write them down on the show notes for you guys, because those are really good. Just like conversation starters to really start like, you know, we started this question with how can you practically ask her what you need? Those are the questions that you can ask to get there. um So thank you for sharing that. I want to talk a little bit about self care for moms, right? Because we're talking a lot about you know, prioritizing your needs and setting boundaries and communicating. And oh, one of the things that you said that I really wanted to call out is, and I'll snap my fingers over here, is we can't expect people to know what it is that we need if we're not communicating it. So as much as we want to get on dad's like, he's not doing this and this man's not doing that.
00:28:39
Speaker
I also stopped to want to stop and ask you like, well, have you communicated? What did you need? Because we think that men can read our minds, but like they actually can't. So I need your moms and women out there. Give your guy a little bit of, you know, a little bit of slack and actually communicate what your needs are because you'll go around angry and resentful for things that you haven't even communicated. And I myself am guilty of that. And I actually went to it there. We went to let couples therapy and he literally said, well, have you explicitly laid out what it is that you didn't like, Oh, I can do that. You know, and yes, you can. And it's it's honestly going to um really help
00:29:21
Speaker
you have less arguments about what needs you want met if you just communicate what they are, you know? Yes. I actually did a reel on that. What was that? Like last week, I was like, here is the biggest mistake I made as a mom. And it was assuming that he knew. How can he know if I didn't tell him? How can he know if I don't even know what I want?
00:29:45
Speaker
And I need to like take some time to figure out, well, what is it that you need in this moment, Hazel? And once you're able to identify that, how can you then communicate that in a way that he can receive it? Because sometimes we don't communicate things. And we have to take responsibility for this. We don't communicate things in a way that allows our partners to be able to receive it because it's either coming from a place of annoyance or resentment or frustration of them not knowing what it is that we need or just feeling overwhelmed in general because motherhood can be overwhelming at times. And we allow the overwhelmed version of ourselves to communicate and relate to our partner versus the mom or the version of ourselves who is in control and is able to ask for what they need. So we we definitely do have to take responsibility for
00:30:35
Speaker
how we present things to our partners because we have to think about how they receive it and how they receive it is going to impact the cycle that you guys find yourselves getting stuck in.
00:30:45
Speaker
Yes. Talk about it. Talk about it. That's so good. That's so good. Okay. So now I'm getting into the self-care, right? Like we all know self-care is great, but I want to talk about it from like the mom's perspective, right? Whether it be your journey or the experiences that you have with your clients. How can focusing on self-care help moms improve their overwhelm but overall well-being?
00:31:09
Speaker
Yes, self-care is so important. And I think we have to redefine what self-care is. Because self-care isn't like always about pampering yourself, going to the spa, going to get a massage. It isn't those things. But self-care is really about recognizing, what is it that my body needs in this moment? Because our body speaks to us. What is it that my body needs in this moment?
00:31:33
Speaker
And how can I give it to myself? So like I said, not everything that you do or not everything that you have in your self-care toolkit or like you said, your self-care menu, it's going to work for every situation. Like when I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated going to the nail salon and like being among other people and hearing other people talk and having the nail tech wanting to talk to me, that's not going to work.
00:31:59
Speaker
i ah yeah I need to be alone. I need to be quiet. So ah even like that could be I'ma go sit in the room in the closet. come back to Zen and then maybe I'll take a soak in the tub because that will really help me to like even myself on out. um On another day when I'm feeling down or like sadness has taken over, I might watch one of my favorite TV shows, A Different World. I don't know what the age group, what of the audience is, but like a different world, all those old school shows, A Different World. What is the other one, Living Single?
00:32:38
Speaker
another Yes, I throw on 90s sitcoms because it's a level of comfort TV for me that I'm not saying anything like you and I'm just like, I just need to watch something to chill vibe. Yes. Early 2000s girlfriends and like, yes, that's my vibe. Yes. So turning on my favorite TV show and I know some feelings down and I just need to laugh and ah be my fun, silly self, going for a walk on a treadmill. It just depends. But in order to get to that place of building your self care menu, you have to first like reflect on what do I need? What were the things before I became a mom that I used to enjoy doing? How can I reincorporate that into this
00:33:27
Speaker
enhanced version of myself. yeah We never go back to the old version of who we were and there's a um a period of grieving that we go through. There's a little bit, it feels like we have a little less freedom. It feels like things are more complicated when we want to get things done because there's a lot of scheduling and figuring out to do.
00:33:46
Speaker
But really taking some time to reflect on what were those things that I used to enjoy doing and how can I incorporate it into this new phase of my life that allows me to have this one-on-one time that I need to have in order to pour back into me.
00:34:00
Speaker
Yeah, yes, yes, I love that. Yes. And that comes with self awareness. Like we're really talking about like really being aware um of yourself and your needs. um And I wanted one of the things that I wanted to kind of like piggyback off of what you said was this um You're never going to be the same. And I think that a lot of people want to go back. And I think I made a real about this a long time ago and it was like, we're in this constant need to go back and go back and go back. And it's like, you're never going to be um not a mom again. So it's really about.
00:34:35
Speaker
reclaiming and re-identifying and figuring out this new version of yourself. And so can you talk about rediscovering yourself outside of motherhood and rediscovering yourself out of the titles and how important that is for moms to be able to do that in their journey?
00:34:52
Speaker
Yeah, um something that i I harp on a lot with my mom clients is that it starts with you. And sometimes it could be really annoying for them to hear when they're coming in like, I want to tell you all the things that my partner has done wrong.
00:35:07
Speaker
I don't want you to tell me it's me. I need to address me. I need to change me. I just want to ah just want to talk about them and complain about what they're doing wrong. And I always come back to, well, it starts with you. Yes, they are doing these things, but what allowed you to allow them to continue to keep this cycle or this pattern going? What allowed you to disregard your own boundaries? What was the fear behind it? What were the ideas behind? Well, oh, if I say I need to take an hour to myself, are you saying, no, I'm not going to do it out of fear of what his response might be or how he might interact with you or what his acts might be after he's with the kids for an hour? Is it now expected that when you come home,
00:35:56
Speaker
you have to take the kids for an hour and it becomes this tit for tat thing. So being able to recognize what do I need? What is it for me? And then also taking some time to mourn the old you, like I just said, because that can sometimes hold us back from fully being in our current experience because we're still holding on to the old version of ourselves. So being able to go through that process of mourning the things that you used to enjoy and then thinking about how can I readjust and reinvent and bring those aspects of myself into this. And I think community is also really, really important. So how can you surround yourself with other moms who have
00:36:39
Speaker
common interests who enjoy some of the same things. I know that there are some like new mommy groups, the hospitals sometimes will have groups where you can connect with moms. So being able to build that community, but also recognizing what were those things that I really enjoy doing and how can I bring that in? How can I make that a priority? How can I wake up every day and say, I am number one on this list. What is that thing that I need to do for myself?
00:37:08
Speaker
because I have recognized that the best gift I can give to my family, whether it be my kids or my spouse, is pouring into me first. If I don't do that, I cannot show up as the mom or the wife or the partner that I really want to be.
00:37:22
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So good. So good. It's like, I mean, you have to put yourself first because, I mean, we, everybody loves this example when I'm going to say it again, but it's just like being on an airplane, right? Like it's all about putting your mask on first.
00:37:42
Speaker
Um, so it's just like being on an airplane where people are saying, you know, you have to put your mask on first because if you aren't able to breathe, how are you able to help somebody else? Right. And so it's the same thing when it comes to self care. And so thank you for sharing that.
00:37:58
Speaker
um One of the things that I found interesting about your brand when I was looking, you know, onto your website and stuff like that is I really love the play on words of your brand. Can you tell us a little bit about that branding and what that means for our audience? Yes, I really wanted to highlight that there is a need, but there's all the, let me start over. I wanted to highlight that there was a need for parents to receive support. It really started off with a focus on moms. But as I started ah taking on clients, ah when I first opened the business, I realized that I was getting a lot of couples. And there were new parent couples or um couples who had been parenting for at least five years.
00:38:47
Speaker
We're like, we're struggling. We have hit a bump in the road. and So for me, it was like highlighting it is apparently time to start paying attention to mom's mental health. It is apparently time for dads to be aware of what's happening with their mental health. It's apparently time for couples to rediscover what intimacy and connection and prioritizing their relationship looks like after having kids.
00:39:11
Speaker
So that was really the idea behind the brand of like, it's apparently time. Like now is the time for us to give the moms, give families the support that they really deserve. And I feel like that starts with highlighting the changes that moms and dads go through during postpartum.
00:39:28
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And that's a great segue for talking about that because I think, you know, one of the, you know, obviously in our culture, everyone is always focused on the mom, right? In the postpartum phase as they should be, but also even more so they're mostly focused on the kids. What does he look like? Oh my God, they be so cute.
00:39:47
Speaker
mom going to get one appointment after postpartum, you you know, there's a problem there.
Supporting Fathers in Postpartum Period
00:39:52
Speaker
But that's also like dads, right? Like they the the child in in most cases are coming home to an environment where there are two parents and there is change that is happening on both ends. And so can you talk a little bit about the change from the dad's perspective, right? Like I don't know how I would have gotten through motherhood without my husband at all. And I have had my fair share of mental health challenges. And so I know the impact that that has had on my husband, because we've we've shared that, we've had those conversations, but people aren't talking about that, right? They aren't talking about the dad,
00:40:29
Speaker
after postpartum, right? like So I just want to hear just a little bit of, you know, anecdotes or stories and, you know, challenges that you see dads and couples face after having and bringing their kids home.
00:40:42
Speaker
huh I'll first start with this research article that I read. So I'm working on a project that is focused on um supporting Black moms, like changing the way care the way care is provided and shifting it to a more collaborative model. But in the research that I've been doing, I came across this article that talked about how dads, especially new parents, but especially dads wish that they had more information on the changes their partner would go through and how to support them. right That article also highlighted that dads felt left out of the process because much of the focus is on mom, what are the physical changes and growth that the baby is experiencing. um Sometimes dads can't go to those appointments, so they feel very left out of the process. um So one of the things that they mentioned in their article is that dads really
00:41:37
Speaker
would like to have more care or more resources that's focused on teaching them how to support their partner. um Because a lot does change, ah not only for the mom physically, mentally, emotionally,
00:41:54
Speaker
But also there's a change in intimacy as well. Now intimacy isn't just sex. As as many ah dads might come into therapy like, we're not having sex anymore. um Our intimacy isn't good. like There's a lot more um that is used to define what it means to be intimate, what it means to connect. um So there are changes there as well. ah So being able to open up discussions around like expectations. Again, coming back to expectations, like that's a really big thing in the work that I do with parent couples is really exploring those expectations and how do they show up in the relationship and how do you respond to each other when those expectations aren't met. um And I think that there's also this narrative around dads being providers or men being providers
00:42:47
Speaker
um And then ah I'm sure you've heard this saying growing up of they tell boys stop crying or I give you something to cry about or big boys, big boys don't cry, right? Like all of this messaging is internalized for our men. And now when they also experienced this life changing transition,
00:43:08
Speaker
Do they have the space to break down? Do they have the space to be emotional? um Do they have the space to say, hey, I'm struggling, not only because I'm seeing my partner struggling, but because, like yo, this is hard. like I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my baby. um I don't know what to do. This is brand new to me. I feel like there's this pressure of, well, she's got it. She'll do it better than I can. So they're already like doubting their capabilities as a father.
00:43:38
Speaker
But I think I always come back to, do they have that space? Do they have that safe space to be vulnerable and to let go of this narrative of you have to be strong? Or I don't have time to take off from work because my main priority is to provide. So even if I am struggling, you got to push through. You don't i don't have time and space to like really address that and talk about that.
00:44:01
Speaker
So I think really undoing that narrative and the messaging that has been internalized about the experience of dads, but also like expectations of how you're supposed to show up as a man.
00:44:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. and And I wonder how can moms support dads in that? Because we're used to, you know, they say us women, we're more emotional and we're used to in crying on time. And we, you know what I mean? Like, how can we support our men through that and allow them to be more, more sensitive and allow them to show up as their full self and create that space for them to be open and vulnerable in the postpartum phase?
00:44:40
Speaker
I think it's reminding your specific partner, I am your safe space. I am not going to judge you. I do not hold you to the same standards that society in this world holds you to in terms of like defining what it means to be a real man. And I say this, if you have a good woman in your life, this is for the men, if you have a good woman in your life, she is not, she should not,
00:45:07
Speaker
bash you and talk down to you and make you feel little because you're being vulnerable. The willingness to be vulnerable um is created in safety. And if either partner doesn't feel safe to be vulnerable, they won't. So they'll hold on to the struggle. They'll hold on to I'm not doing well because of this fear of will she judge me or will she complain or will I be called weak because I'm showing up in this manner.
00:45:42
Speaker
I think it really comes down to creating safety within your own relationship, where both of you feel vulnerable enough to say, hey, I'm having a hard time or hey, I'm struggling, and that you're able to listen with empathetic ears and not um respond from a place of judgment.
00:46:00
Speaker
I love this empathetic ears. That's good. Empathetic ears is a good one. And one of the things that you your sharing was about intimacy right and connecting, um which goes beyond you know intercourse um and things like that. who Can you talk about how, or so share some tips about how couples can reconnect and strengthen their bond?
00:46:25
Speaker
Like, how can you have a baby? Now they got this little baby coffee locker, right? Who likes to call them when they first arrive. How can they, how can couples overcome that?
00:46:38
Speaker
Yeah, I think in those first ah couple of months, adjusting your expectation around like what a date looks like what time looks like for because we lived my husband and I because we didn't live super close to family. A lot of our date nights were at home. We waited until we went to sleep. We sat on the couch. We might have ordered our favorite meal.
00:47:00
Speaker
we watch stand up like we did the things that we would typically do if before kids or if we had like my mom to come and watch the kids we just did the things that we enjoyed doing we just did it at home so making the adjustment again coming back to those expectations how can we alter those expectations to match the situation that we're in um but then also scheduling something i do with my couples is having them schedule at least five minutes as a check-in. So I talk about three types of check-ins. You have the logistical check-in. You have moments where you can share appreciations with each other. Because words of affirmation is a love language, but words of affirmation also ah goes a very long way. ah you know When a partner is constantly hearing criticism and put-downs, it's going to be really hard for them to be motivated to show up and be a team.
00:47:53
Speaker
So take a moment to share, um, appreciations or words of affirmation, but also having those more intimate check-ins where you're reflecting on how are you doing mentally? How are you doing emotionally? How can I show up for you? What do you need from me? What can I do differently to help you feel more connected? Um, I have them start off with doing that three times a week for at least five minutes. And I always tell them, if you talk for more, great.
00:48:19
Speaker
but eventually getting them to a place where they're doing this on a daily basis. So it becomes like a muscle. Oh, we wake up, first thing we do, we're checking in. Before we both go to sleep, we're checking in. How was your day? What can I do differently tomorrow? um How can I help you to feel more supported? and Yeah. Yeah. And that communication is like so key. um And I think that, you know, even beyond the postpartum phase, you'll see that when you do the work in that phase, how it can transition and bleed into the, you know, the further stages. For example, like my husband and I, my kids are 10 and 11 actually, and 13, one on 14. So they are a little bit older, but for us, we're busy. Like I have, you know, we have businesses and jobs and, you know,
00:49:06
Speaker
platforms, all the fame. But for us, we live. When I say we live, we live by through calendar, honey. Okay. new We have a family calendar that like, everything has to go on there from who's picking up, who's dropping off, who's doing a doctor's appointments. And it comes from our ability um to be able to communicate every night. Like, okay, let's look over the calendar. bear Like, do you have a call? Okay. If you have a call, you have to do this. You know what I mean? And I think that it really helps our household just run smoother. It makes less arguments about who's doing what, because it might feel like a chore, right? To sit there and go through the list, but it's honestly, it makes
00:49:44
Speaker
life just so much easier for us to be able to communicate in a way that, like, we can just run our household and not have to be stressed about it. And so just taking, like Hazel said, just taking that little bit of time to check in with your partner from, you know, pregnancy stage through, you know, getting them out the door to college or whatever the case may be, like, it's going to be so essential in your relationship. And honestly, a really key, a bit key to success. I mean,
00:50:11
Speaker
and huh occasion is key that it's It's a cliche saying, but it's one of those cliches that's like, you know what, it's actually, it's right.
Aligning Parenting Styles
00:50:20
Speaker
It really is like over communicate what you're thinking, say it. Of course, do it with kindness and love, but if you don't say it, they won't know and then they can't act, they can't do.
00:50:33
Speaker
So you have to be able to communicate. You have to recognize what it is that you need. And you you have to talk about it, what those expectations are. You have to put it out there. If you realize that, hey, this is an expectation that he can meet or you can meet, let's come up with a different plan so that we can come to a place where we feel like, all right, we got this. We are working on the same team. Yeah, we are on the same team. Yes. That actually brings me to another question that I have for you, which is,
00:51:03
Speaker
It's kind of centered on, like, what if you have, you know, different beliefs and parenting styles than your partner? How do you handle that with your clients? Right. Let's, you know, say, um, for, I can use myself, for example, I'm, I am African-American black woman. My husband is a Puerto Rican, Latino man, and we grew up very differently. Um, and so for us, like his parents, like in the beginning, his parenting style was a lot different than like what I wanted my parenting style to be. So we had to communicate. you know very early on, but um how do you know how can parents practically do that when you know one person is on this page and the other person is on a completely different you know side of the street? I don't know.
00:51:47
Speaker
I think it comes back to your values. What are the things that are most important to you? ah If a value for you is I want to raise independent yet interdependent kids where like they can explore and be their own person, but they I also want them to know that I'm always going to be there for them. Okay, this is our value. This is something that's really important to us. How do we go about kind of meeting in the middle?
00:52:14
Speaker
while Also understanding and accepting that your way of helping them be independent yet connected is going to look a little bit different from my method. But that doesn't mean that either of us are wrong. It's just that we have different approaches. Now, if there is something that you feel like is morally wrong, then that's a conversation where it sounds like This is a non-negotiable. I don't know how we're gonna be able to work around this. If morally, this feels wrong to either one of us. But I think if you all can identify that, hey, we align in our values, we just have to figure out how do we go about doing this and accept that your way is gonna look different from mine, but we're we're both coming to the same end result, which is to honor this value that we both align in.
00:53:03
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And, and those value conversations, like, you know, um, I interviewed another therapist a while ago and she talked a lot about that free planning aspect, like conversations parents should be having before they even bring kids into the world and values is definitely one of them being, um,
00:53:21
Speaker
from everything down to, you know, religious practices or, you know, types of way you're going to discipline or, you know, like the types of way you're going to allow your, you know, parent parental, like back parental, but children having choice, right? Like, like we were talking about early in this conversation, like,
00:53:37
Speaker
Can kids be seen and heard in this house versus you know like how you know how we grew up, way you're seen and not heard actually. so Those conversations definitely have to happen and they're beneficial for everybody in the situation, your child included, because having these and intentional conversations, it really just makes the parenting experience a little bit, I mean, it's hard, but a little bit easier, right? When you are at the parental level aligned on the direction that you're going to go for your family, um which is what, you know, which is what I really love about the work that you're doing with your brand where, you know, yes, it's focused on the moms, but it's focused on the dads too. It's apparently, right? It's apparently, we should be, we should be having these conversations and
00:54:25
Speaker
people need to be having these conversations because dad shouldn't be left off the plate, right? They weren't left off the plate to get the baby here. So let's, let's be sure we include them in, in the process of healing after postpartum and throughout the parent journey. And as we close out the episode, I do want to ask you just a little bit of practical tips that you might have for moms and dads prioritizing themselves and reducing stress. Like how can they you know, how can they do that individually, whether it's individually or together? Yeah. Uh, so first thing is, uh, scheduling those check-ins. Those are super important, building that habit of making sure that at the beginning and at the end of the day, we are connecting with each other and, and seeing how the other person is good doing. But we're also using that as an opportunity to say, Hey, here are our responsibilities as parents as we share this load.
00:55:25
Speaker
What's our game plan to address this and it not be oh mom has all of the details She's gonna fill that in and then she tells them what to do But no thinking of this is we are a partnership We both have shared knowledge of what needs to be done and then we can work together to create a plan um Something that I also have my couples do and this is also something that's a part of the framework of my program is I have couples create a vision statement and So I use the analogy that your relationship is like a business. Every business creates a vision statement, they create a value statement, and they outline
00:56:05
Speaker
this This outlines the direction that they want their business to go in. But this is also a thing that they can look back on to make sure that everything that comes out of that business aligns with this vision that they have created. Businesses, is in order to be successful, also schedule regular business meetings. Hence the reason why having those check-ins are so important. But in those business meetings, they are assessing what are we doing well, what are the areas for improvement, and what is the plan that we're going to create to address these areas of concern. um So being able to visualize your relationship as such, creating a vision statement helps to set the tone for what you want your relationship to represent as a couple. um The vision statement doesn't have to be a long paragraph. It can be three sentences. It can be five sentences. But as long as it captures the relationship that the two of you want to have and what you want to that to exemplify,
00:57:00
Speaker
That is the purpose of that assignment that I get to couples. And then the last thing I'll say is um utilizing this analogy. So this is an analogy, again, a part of the framework, but also I talk about this with my couples, how to be a team. So T stands for trust your partner's intentions.
00:57:17
Speaker
Because it's really easy to allow the overwhelmed version of ourselves to doubt our partner or to hold on to those negative assumptions about them. They don't care. They're selfish. They don't see that I'm struggling over here. Those are those negative assumptions that we can easily hold on to. So trusting your partner's intentions and knowing that like they are your teammate is what T stands for. E, encourage each other with kind words. So that goes back to what I said about sharing those appreciations, those words of affirmation and appreciation go such a long way in reminding your partner, I see you. I see the effort that you're putting in. I appreciate you. We are a team.
00:57:57
Speaker
A, ask questions before assuming the worst. So again, not allowing yourself to automatically jump to the, oh, you don't care, oh, oh, you're selfish, but being curious. Hey, when I came in, I noticed that everything looked like this. Like, is everything OK? What happened? Versus, I asked you to put the stuff up, why didn't it get done? ah And that's you coming from an overwhelmed stress place because you're thinking of, well, you ain't get it done, so now I got to do it, and now I piss you off.
00:58:27
Speaker
right yeah So asking questions before assuming the worst and M, make time for check-ins a priority. So always coming back to that, taking time to connect, ah making sure that you're communicating in my books, over communicating so that you can um identify where you're both at and be able to create a game plan that allows both of you to feel supported. um But that is how I encourage ah my couples to work as a team.
00:58:57
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I love that. And, you know, like, that just sparked another conversation. I mean, another question, which was, ah is like, Okay, great. We talked a lot about effective communication, right? But sometimes communication you know You might not agree, right? So how can couples you know effectively resolve conflict and conflict? And how can they have conflict resolution? like What are some strategies that they can use? you know like Maybe we don't agree on you know a certain thing. like What can they actually do to resolve you know that conflict in a healthy way?
00:59:32
Speaker
Mm hmm. So first, I think something that's very important is you have to identify like, what is that cycle that we get ourselves stuck in? So whether it's overwhelm or frustration or anger, if we pretend that like these are characters in our story, let's say frustration knocks on the door, you let frustration in and frustration whispers something in your ear, it tells you go off on your spouse because they didn't do something that you needed them to do. You then do that. Your spouse responds to you in a particular manner. When they respond to you in that manner, it sends a message to you. You then react to how they respond to you and you guys keep that loop going until you come back to the beginning point where at the end of it, you're still frustrated because neither one of you get has gotten your need met. So being able to identify that cycle
01:00:32
Speaker
is one part of it. The other part of it too is being able to identify what are these trigger topics that no matter how calm and how nicely we try to approach it with each other, it brings about tension. Why is that? Can we identify a plan?
01:00:50
Speaker
That plan might look like, all right, when um one of us becomes triggered and being able to recognize when you're triggered means you need to be self-reflective. What are those signals, whether physiologically, mentally, emotionally, that are happening for you that's letting you know, I'm getting hot?
01:01:06
Speaker
And if we continue down this path, I'm going to say or do something that is not going to be productive to this moment of interaction. So being able to recognize that and being able to say, you know what, I'm feeling um annoyed right now. I think I need to walk away. And sometimes when you're in the heat of the moment, your partner might keep going, but you have to determine in yourself, I know who I am when I allow frustration and anger to take over. I don't want that version of me to show up right now.
01:01:36
Speaker
I'm not going to allow anger to have the power right now, so I'm going to walk away, even if my partner is still going at me and trying to get into my skin. but because yeah Because two triggered people cannot have a productive conversation. If we are triggered, we literally go into fight, flight, or freeze. And like some of us, we are ready to throw on those boxing gloves and go to town on each other and that causes more damage. And then you have to really take some time to repair and recover so that you can rebuild the connection between the two of you. yeah um And when you have more moments like that, it really chips away at the safety that allows both of you to be vulnerable with each other.
01:02:21
Speaker
yeah yeah So I would say identify what those um triggers are, create a plan around it, really talking about, all right, here is this trigger topic. It could be intimacy. It could be finances. What is our goal for this conversation? What are we looking for?
01:02:37
Speaker
Because one person might be looking to resolve it, while the other person might be looking to brainstorm. And you're both already starting off on two different pages on a topic that's already triggering for the both of you. So being able to identify what is your goal. Okay, can we come to a common ground around what our goal is?
01:02:55
Speaker
um What are our expectations? Let's put a time limit on this because we have realized that in our relationship, if we spend more than 30 minutes talking about this topic, we both get frustrated. Again, it's already a trigger topic. Why um make it go in the direction that you don't want it to? If you know that there are things that you can put in place that can help you to be more successful at talking about this thing.
01:03:21
Speaker
So being able to identify what is your goal, communicating what that goal is, um being able to identify what those trigger topics are, and being okay with walking away. And like realizing that walking away does not mean that the relationship is ending. It does not mean that your partner no longer loves you.
01:03:41
Speaker
It just means that you either both of you or one of you are in a space where you cannot have a productive conversation and you need to walk away, regulate your nervous system, and then come back to it when you're both in a place where you're allowing the calm version of yourself to be present for the chat. Yes, I feel like I'm just in therapy myself just now with that one. Like, okay, girl, like to get a little rowdy. No, but honestly, it's so key to be able to
01:04:18
Speaker
have a healthy way to regulate yourself. And so all the you know jokes aside, that is essential. And I think a lot of people you know need to hear that because when you when you are coming from a place of overwhelm, you aren't going to deliver your needs and communicate your needs in a way that is actually going to be heard.
01:04:38
Speaker
right? um That person could potentially present you for the way that you are showing up, right? um And that's not what you want at the end of the day. So walking away sometimes is the best thing for everybody.
Empowering Mother's Journey
01:04:50
Speaker
Knowing your triggers will allow you to be able to do that in a more healthy way. So thank you for sharing that. Like I said, I literally feel like I was in therapy. So I hope our listeners gain something from that. One of the questions that I just wanted to close out on is just What is for a takeaway is just kind of like, if you had one little final bit of advice that you could give to moms managing mental health, motherhood, and their identity, right? um What would you give to them? um To those of them that are just kind of like, I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. um what what What advice would you give to them?
01:05:29
Speaker
Yes, I would say remember that this is your story and you get to write it. You are the only person that has ah privileges to be the author in your story. So if you're able to identify the mom that you want to be, the experience that you want to have, the next step in that is figuring out what are the actions that I need to take in order to make this a reality.
01:05:54
Speaker
Sometimes it's as simple as like taking it out of our head and writing it on paper because that makes it more tangible versus having this idea floating around in our mind of this is the person that we want to be. It feels fleeting. It feels like we can't touch it. We can't hold it. So be even if you create a vision board of like, this is what I imagined my motherhood journey being like, um but being able to find a way to make it tangible If you need to, reach out for help. Understand that we all struggle. I don't think there is a mom that you will talk to that will say, this was easy because it's not. It's hard for all of us. So being able to accept that, knowing that it being hard does not make you a bad mom. You're a great mom. And that ah doing your best is always good enough. It will always be enough whenever you show up and you do your best.
01:06:48
Speaker
Yeah, yes, it will be. It is and enough. I love that so much. Thank you so much. I wanted to give you an opportunity to talk a little bit about your program, your practice, and how our audience or whoever's listening can can can work with you or learn from you or join one of your groups. So give us all the tea.
01:07:11
Speaker
on that yes absolutely so you can find me uh on instagram it's at it's apparently time so that's apparently with one p i t s a p a r e n t l y t i m e i know that's a mouthful And then my website is www.itsapparentlytime.com. I am starting the mom program, which is moms owning motherhood. And I'm super excited about that. The foundation of this program falls on three pillars, my time, my marriage, my community. So in my time is really helping moms to
01:07:50
Speaker
get to a place where they where they are prioritizing themselves again, because you are the foundation of any relationship that flows out of you. So the way you show up as a mom, the way you show up as a um ah a partner or a wife, the way you show up as a friend, it starts with you. So really focusing on defining your story, identifying the values in the vision that's important to you, And actually creating that within the course within the program um focus on my marriage so looking at communication rebuilding intimacy addressing resentment, because that um is one of the. ah That's the enemy of connection I feel like resentment.
01:08:32
Speaker
um So focusing on your marriage and then within the program you have access to a community of like-minded moms who are also focused and intentional about owning their motherhood journey. So yes, I'm really excited about it. The first cohort starts um September 23rd. I know by the time you all hear this episode, the first cohort will be going. um But yeah, if you have any questions and you want to learn more about that, you can definitely schedule a discovery call and we can talk about the ways that I'm able to support you and we can create a plan to get you to a place where you are owning your motherhood journey.
01:09:13
Speaker
I love that. That's so good. Um, and there needs to be more spaces like that. So, um, for those of you listening, you don't feel the need to write it all down right now. It will all be listed in the show notes. Is that fruit therapy available for moms, uh, throughout the United States or do they have to be based? I know sometimes with therapy, you gotta be like in the state. So is it open world, like nationwide?
01:09:37
Speaker
Yes, it is open nationwide because it is group coaching. So within the program, you get access to a course that covers these um three pillars, my time, my marriage, my community, but then you also get access to group coaching um over an eight week time span. So where we talk about in more detail about the modules that you'll find within the course that comes with the program. So yep, it's open to moms across the United States.
01:10:06
Speaker
Yes. All right. So no excuse. I want to see y'all in the program. Thank you so much for being with us today. The last part of every single episode is my favorite because I asked my guests to share their favorite affirmation, scripture, or invention to close our episode. So do you have anything on your mind that you would like to share?
01:10:29
Speaker
Yes, I am going to pull up my scripture I should know it by heart, but I don't don't judge me All right, so my scripture Um, I always go to this one and I hold onto this one, not only for myself, especially, you know, coming out of the season that I was just in. Um, this is from Jeremiah 29 11. It says for, I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, there are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. And that is what I hope that God will allow me to do for the moms that I come into contact with is to give them a hope and to let them know.
01:11:16
Speaker
that the overwhelm and the sadness and the fear and the disappointment does not have to be their story, that they can create and have a story of hope, of love, and of joy in motherhood.
01:11:31
Speaker
Yes, so beautiful. like I absolutely love that scripture as well. um I have a journal and the first part of that scripture is on the journal and it it really does resonate with me and my interest body. so just really using that to be able to just get back centered. I totally relate to that. And I know that the moms listening to this episode and whoever joins your program will will get the hope and they will be inspired just as I
Closing Affirmation and Invitation
01:12:00
Speaker
have been today. So thank you again for coming and sharing your joy and your journey and all the experiences you have with our audience. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. And it's always a good time when I can talk to a fellow New York girl. so
01:12:17
Speaker
New York girls up! Thank you so so much and to our audience. I hope you heal well and I will catch you next week on another episode of the Sew Well Podcast. Bye! Hit the notification bell wherever you are listening to us today and join us next week as we delve into more mental health conversations.
01:12:37
Speaker
The Sew Well community offers a safe ground for the transformative healing and restoration of intergenerational trauma, ensuring moms of color have a space to rewrite their stories, recover, live well, be seen and heard. Join us online and on Instagram at Sew Well for daily inspiration, blogs, events, and more. See you next time.