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138. Breaking the Pattern: How to Avoid Self-Sabotage in Dating
13 Plays20 minutes ago
In this episode of the Spiritual Fitness Podcast, host Eric Bigger explores the topic of self-sabotage in dating and why women often lose trust in relationships. He examines the emotional dynamics that contribute to trust erosion, offering insights from his experience coaching independent and successful women through life transitions. Eric highlights key factors that weaken trust, such as shifts in energy, poor communication, and the impact of nervous system regulation. Eric encourages both men and women to engage in open communication, understand each other's emotional needs, and confront subconscious patterns that can hinder relationship growth. This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for anyone seeking to overcome self-sabotage, rebuild trust, and cultivate healthier, more connected relationships.
Also in this episode:
- Nervous system regulation, a woman's nervous system often indicates a loss of trust when she feels unsafe or uncertain in a relationship.
- The importance of communication, effective communication and vulnerability are crucial in maintaining trust and connection in partnerships.
- Emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy are essential for a thriving relationship and help prevent loss of trust.
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Transcript
Introduction to Spiritual Fitness Podcast
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to the Spiritual Fitness Podcast. I'm your host, Eric Bigger, and each week we will explore powerful practices, inspiring stories, and expert insights to guide you on your path to holistic health. By blending spirituality and physical wellness, we support you in strengthening your body and soul. Whether you're a seasoned spiritual seeker or just beginning your journey, the Spiritual Fitness Podcast is here to help you unlock your inner potential and live your most vibrant, purposeful life.
00:00:35
Speaker
It's Miracle Season.
00:00:40
Speaker
Spiritual Fitness, Spiritual Fitness podcast. I'm back again. I'm your host, Eric
Why Do Women Lose Trust in Relationships?
00:00:45
Speaker
Bigger. And today we're talking about why women lose trust in relationships, partnerships, and dating. But before we get into the details of that, this episode today is sponsored by Elia. Sparkling Roves, get 20% off my promo code EB20.
00:01:06
Speaker
for 20% off of all orders up to $100. So, Elia, Sparkman roles. So why am I doing this episode? Because I want to give the intentions. I have the privilege and opportunity to any anybody who will listen to the last episode, Why Men Should Be Vulnerable. What I said briefly in that episode was that I have the privilege to coach a lot of powerful, independent, successful, beautiful, strong, spiritual women.
00:01:34
Speaker
And this year, I've helped three women get through a divorce and transition into their higher self, their self of worthiness, their self of loving themselves unconditionally, putting themselves verbs, not tolerating BS or things that they don't deserve in a relationship.
00:01:52
Speaker
through constant awareness, improving and helping them, understanding emotional intelligence, for them to take responsibility and accountability for all the things in their marriage, their life, their business. It's been really good because I've gotten a lot of data and ah information and downloads from being in spaces with these women in such troubled times of you know getting ready for the divorce, talking about divorce, and actually having a divorce.
00:02:17
Speaker
moving out, changing things, and just evolving their soul spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. So here we are. I want to give feedback from my paradigm and from perspective and women listening and will listen. Give me a feedback, fellas, tune in, dial in, tap in, because we need to help the women collective consciousness from a loving space and listen to the last episode about why us as men, we should
The Role of Trust in Relationships
00:02:44
Speaker
be vulnerable.
00:02:44
Speaker
But anyway, so first thing first, if people don't understand trust is probably the most important thing you can have in all of life. And the first thing comes with trusting yourself. I like to say trusting something greater, God, the universe, infinite intelligence.
00:03:01
Speaker
whatever you want to call it, whatever you believe in, I believe trusting in something greater than yourself helps you move through life, right? And I think in relationships, especially loving relationships, I mean, you got to trust yourself to tell someone you love them, right? Because that word, I love you, the reason it's held on our high pedestal is because we don't trust ourselves the way we trust someone to say the words back to us, right? Let me break it down. When we're feeling the emotions of love,
00:03:32
Speaker
Or it could be the energy of infatuation. Econa can be similar in some essence, depending on your experience, what you've been through, how much you know yourself, how much you have evolved, your vessel, your soul, your mind, your consciousness. And so, especially from a men's paradigm, we are so afraid to say that word because we, one, might forget we might lose power, or two, we might not hear the words back. Women, right? But what does that mean? They're just words.
00:04:00
Speaker
but you can even trust those words as you don't. But it's not about the words. It's not even about the person saying it. It's not even about you saying it.
Nervous System and Trust Issues
00:04:09
Speaker
What it comes down to in relationships and why women lose trust is because of nervous system regulation, right?
00:04:17
Speaker
So as a woman, if you're dating someone and the guy is consistent, he's telling you all the things you want to hear, words again, remember words. Maybe some of you, you love language is words of affirmation. He's consistent. He's taking you out on dates. He's complimenting you. He's asking about your family. Maybe you have some kids about your previous relationships. Y'all having like a real good conversation.
00:04:40
Speaker
Now, the great thing about this is that usually, I would say 85% of the time or 75% of the time, this is what happens in again when a man is courting or pursuing or chasing a woman, he's going to do everything. Once a guy gets in there and he gets you to open up, maybe he opens up a little bit, but maybe this guy is different than you ever experienced and making you feel, you know, the emotions of love, trusting yourself, you're more secure in his presence.
00:05:07
Speaker
And then boom, the second phase, I believe of, once you spend some time, usually in a modern world, I would say would be intimacy, right? For most people. Some people like to say, is it spiritual? Is it emotional? Is it mental? Then they're physical. For most people, I'll say the modern world is physical, right? So if a guy is physical with you, meaning intimate, and you guys are in a big room, you're having a good time, and he enjoys it, you enjoy it great. And you do it for a few times. Now what happens is,
00:05:35
Speaker
I can't say always, but there's a pattern and there's a probability that his energy towards you might change if you feel like he has you mentally, he has you emotionally, he has you physically, right? So what happens in turn, you hit over heels, you're like, oh my God, you're telling all your friends
Intimacy's Impact on Trust
00:05:53
Speaker
at work or at the job or at school or whatever.
00:05:57
Speaker
But his energy and his pattern start to change, but he's not as consistent. He's not always checking in like he used to. He's not always available like he was before this went down. Now, I could be justifying the guy's action because of what happened, right? Because of the result of the intimacy. Now until I was 10, that's ten nest what it is. Because men, we like to hunt. We're predators. We like to chase and get what we want, right? So then you get into like,
00:06:25
Speaker
All right, well maybe you think in your mind, you're tripping, you're overthinking, you're overanalyzing. No, he's there, he loves me, he cares about me, whatever. But say six months in, you know y'all pretty decent, and then you start feeling the expression of love and you tell him that, and then he doesn't tell you back. man It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
00:06:44
Speaker
Maybe his way of loving you is not through words, maybe it's through action, maybe it's quality time, gifts. But anyway, your nervous system is going to tell you how much you trust the person. So people always say your actions speak louder than words. Of course, if someone cheats and you find out or someone's lying and you find out, of course, you're going to lose trust. That's obvious. But I'm just saying from a spiritual, energetic, intangible way, the first thing why women lose trust is because in their nervous system, in their body, they can feel something's off. Whether it's be an intuitive hit, it could be energetic. The nervous system doesn't feel as safe and they're trying to figure out like, what is it me? Is it them? So that's unconsciously, I believe most women lose trust within their nervous system and a partnership that they don't feel consistent in or feel safe in because the body keeps the score.
00:07:41
Speaker
So what happens is I feel like women love more unconditionally than men do, especially in strong partnerships when they confess their love for man. They're going to do whatever it takes, at least in my experience. That's what I believe. So they're willing to wait for him to eventually say the words or for him to show up more, be a do something different, right? And so they're fine. And then what happens is, okay, so you're nervous that somebody already took a hit.
00:08:07
Speaker
right so your body is feeling like i don't know so now in your body your nervous system is not regulated you don't really feel as confident or as safe as you were six months prior to the dating or the situation so that's a question mark but it's there you put in the back of your mind you don't think about it and then the next thing goes this You start confusing yourself in your mind you start overthinking over analyzing and start creating scenarios in your mind that could be true about what you're even not getting or What you might be feeling right? So now there's a lack of safety in your mind
00:08:43
Speaker
Now, one of two things could be happening for women. You could be highly insecure or triggered because of your past relationships or romance, or you can just be energetically and spiritually unaligned and trying to figure out what's going on. So you're probably trying to create safety within your mind to justify your feelings.
00:09:01
Speaker
So women lose trust because of nervous system regulation. Their nervous system don't feel as strong as it was when everything was as consistent, could grow it. And if the guy is not being vulnerable and not communicating, of course, you're going to feel like something's off.
00:09:17
Speaker
he could be going to something something could have happened that he's not willing to tell you and then you know women lose trust because they don't feel safe in their mind when they think about the person it's always something negative or about something in the past now two things happen you can shoot yourself on the foot and project your insecurities on the man and push him away or you can go against what you feel and know and not have the conversation. So when you don't have the conversation about what you feel in your body and your mind, you continue to lose trust in the partnership and the relationship. However, you'll still take the actions, you'll still be available and do all the things you think you seem worthy.
00:09:56
Speaker
And I think this happens all the time in marriage because when you marry someone, you have kids, you just put up with it like this is my partner. This is what we do. You know, the laws of rhythm. We have different moments, have high moments. We have low moments. A lot of my conversation with the women out to help get through a divorce. There's been information and things being said like.
00:10:14
Speaker
Yeah, at one point we just stop having sex. So my husband would say, you need to go to the gym. You know you should work out more or you're both for busy and you don't see each other as much. I don't do date night anymore. So another thing what makes a woman lose trust is that the actions that were taken before in a relationship, as far as dating, as far as romance, as far as intimacy has changed. And maybe you have kids and kids created a separation. right So then that thing is not happening. The actions of the love and the romance that used to take place maybe for the first five years or seven years of the relationship has removed itself. It's gone. Now we got nervous system regulation. We got a lack of safety in the mind. And now the romance that we once had, say five years, is gone.
00:10:56
Speaker
So it's easy to lose trust. Now, the biggest thing with all of this is that a woman can only lose trust in these situations that you say nervous system, lack of safety in the mind. and These are viable reasons for women to lose trust.
00:11:11
Speaker
nervous system regulation, lack of safety in the mind, and the actions of romance not happen anymore. But here's the thing, the underlying thing of that is that because of some of these subtle changes, just because life happens, we got to be real, we got to be honest. As a man, you're not communicating or you're not vulnerable, or you're not aware of what she's going through or understanding for her to lose trust.
00:11:36
Speaker
There's a lack of communication, there's a lack of depth, there's a lack of vulnerability on both parties. It's not just men, it's women as well. And so sometimes I think women hold unconscious expectation for men. And then when some men can't meet that, they lose trust too.
00:11:55
Speaker
But I think as men in our communication, we got to be honest, we got to be open and we also just commit. We should also be honest about the commitment to certain things. You know, I had one client said, my husband will always say he would take a trash out and then when he didn't take a trash out, he said, I going to take our son to baseball practice or I'm going to call the coach for baseball. He forgot. And she said it would trigger her so much. So she got used to him not executing his words. So she's lost trust.
00:12:25
Speaker
So when I want to lose trust, deep trust within you and in your partnership, there's no love. There's no intimacy. You just exist and co-exist in the same space and same house because you're married and you have businesses together and you just kind of do anything. And also I realize most women I've helped this year.
00:12:44
Speaker
They got married because they thought for their generation, because most of my clients are in their 40s and mid 40s, they did what they were supposed to do. You found someone who was in alignment at the time, you loved each other, best friend, whether or not, whatever.
00:12:58
Speaker
You have kids, you keep married. Out of three of the four, three of them said they knew they shouldn't have married their spouse. That they intuition told them and always, so why did you do it? Well, it was tradition. I thought I should do it. I mean, I had already agreed. I mean, why not?
00:13:16
Speaker
Another thing happens is that women lose trust as well from themselves because they go against what they know and that's the intuition they go against discernment against the truth of what they feel and they try to put logic over what they feel so.
00:13:32
Speaker
It's hard for a woman to trust when she's not connected to her spirit. She's not connected to the goddess of her soul. She's not connected to her intuition. She's not connected to her discernment. That's another way for women to lose trust.
Intuition and Trust Loss
00:13:45
Speaker
You're disconnected from your heart space. You're not in your God frequency. You're in your ego frequency.
00:13:50
Speaker
And then you justify it because you love them and I got kids and you want to do it for the family. You don't want to break up because that's been a lot of why divorces don't happen because of the businesses and because of the kids. But the kids when they get a certain age, they already know. Right. And let's be honest. Separation is tough.
00:14:07
Speaker
Separation is hard. Grief is hard. you know A lot of us don't want to separate things that we're so conditioned and programmed in being it. So the moral of the story is that women lose trust for a lot of reasons, as I stated before, but it comes down to communication amongst individuals.
00:14:25
Speaker
If we're not communicating with authenticity, if we're not communicating with vulnerability, there can't be no trust. I remember my past situation I was with at the time was very insecure, but it wasn't like conscious. It was unconscious.
00:14:40
Speaker
And they just always rejected that I could or I would cheat on them. And then when I sit and had a conversation, I'm like, why are you doing? What's wrong? I'm confused. like It was like a self-sabotage. I was just like, what's wrong? I got it, but it didn't make sense because She was craving that her mind was true. It was like a false narrative. But I had to accept where she was at the moment. right But what it was, it was taking from me. It was hurting me. I was being hindered and being accused of something I wasn't doing. So I couldn't like make it all her fault. I had to be aware of where she was at. But it got to a point where it was just too much for both of us. And it got to a point where
00:15:25
Speaker
Again, it was always about something that wasn't real about another woman that never exists. There was no data because that was my ego. I mean, that was the truth, but i i outside looking in, she didn't know better. I couldn't make her feel bad for self-sabotage or something she wasn't ready for or something she wasn't used to. So if I'm constantly giving healthy love and healthy support and you're used to chaos or disruption or challenge, it's too easy. You got to make it make sense for your nervous system.
00:15:54
Speaker
I say all those things to say, the biggest thing in relationships, like I said from the beginning, is trust. Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your partner? And do you trust life? Because when you don't trust yourself and you don't trust your partner and you don't trust life, then there's no relationship, right? And then you gotta start thinking about where's your emotional intelligence?
00:16:13
Speaker
If someone says something that goes against what you believe, are you triggered? Do you try to be reactive or proactive? Do you try to sit with it and understand it? All these things, right? All these scenarios. But I like to simplify. And last but not least, some things just run their course. Some things serve their purpose. So I do believe in this day and age.
00:16:32
Speaker
I don't think you're meant to be with someone for your entire life unless you're meant to be with someone in your entire life. So there's people in this lifetime, they're just going to be together for the rest of life because that's their life's purpose. There's their calling. It's just going to happen. Just like some people are going to hit a jackpot in this lifetime. Some people are going to be professional athletes, actors, and actresses. It just is. It's like love. And then there's some people who grow the relationships they grow through marriages, divorces, friendships, challenges, changes.
00:17:03
Speaker
So we got to be clear on, it's not about it's all what women are not getting. It's also about where men don't understand. So what I think we don't understand as men because communication is where it first lacks or the lack of communication or not vulnerable honest communication is that as men, we haven't been programmed and conditioned to emotionally and mentally and spiritually connect to our women.
00:17:30
Speaker
right that's not something we're good at in emotional intimacy mental intimacy spiritual intimacy is everything for a woman because you can meet a woman who has money who has her own she's independent which a lot of our clients have their own And they don't care about the material parts that you can provide for them. They care about the vulnerable and tangible stuff. Another reason why women leave trust, women listen to this, is because you don't have control over the situation like you once did before. Or you don't have control over the relationship like you once did before. You're not losing trust in the person. You're not even losing trust in the relationship. You're losing trust in the control you once had over the relationship.
00:18:14
Speaker
I had to tell one of my clients, I said, look, you can't change and grow to be the man you need because you emasculated him. You disempowered him with your energy, with how you were raised or how you saw him as a provider or protector or what the world told you. So a lot of this trust thing comes down to awareness.
00:18:32
Speaker
emotional intelligence, life experiences, where you are in your human, your ego, and when you are in your life, what you've been told about love, what you've been told about trust, what you grew around. Like I didn't grow up with my mom and dad being together. So most of my life I ran from relationships because I never understood one because I've never seen one.
00:18:50
Speaker
You know, my mom has been single. My dad was married once. But it wasn't like I had a lot of data on what a healthy relationship looks like. So, of course, I'm going to fail at some things. Of course, you're going to fail at some things. Of course, it's not going to be peachy and cream.
Building Strong Relationships
00:19:05
Speaker
But I think when you set the intentions, when you first start dating someone or when you get really close to a person to have effective, vulnerable communication, the relationship can grow.
00:19:15
Speaker
And I believe the best partnership is the partnership where you and your spouse or your partner are like best friends. That's what I believe, right? Like the love's there, the communication's there, the honesty's there, the vulnerability is there, and you're not holding back yourself. You can completely be you. And I think 95% of the times, most people are not themselves in relationships.
00:19:38
Speaker
because when we're controlling the relationship we feel like everything is going good but when we lose control now we walk on eggshells. Now you're trying to avoid from losing it because something you did or something you said or didn't say. So the main thing is effective communication, intimacy, and understanding your partner's needs.
00:19:58
Speaker
and not giving them what they want. See, a lot of times we're good at giving our partner what they want, but what do you need? Your partner might be like, babe, you never tell me you love me when you leave. She's not really saying that. What she's saying is that she wants you to really be more intimate when you leave, hug her, give her a kiss, and then tell you you'll love her.
00:20:17
Speaker
Be more affectionate. She wants to feel the depth of your soul as a man. And women, you know, sometimes you lose trust because you lost faith in yourself. You run into business. You're taking care all of all the kids and being a mom, a CEO. Your husband is not getting no attention. So now he's losing interest because he's not getting attention. He needs all the validation. And so now.
00:20:41
Speaker
Everything is off. So we all parties got to be accountable. But I think from my experience, coaching so many powerful women, they are the ones who want the most affection, words, and intimacy. Independent women who run a successful business, who have their own, they want affection, they want intimacy, and they want meaningful connection. They might not come off that way or they might not seem that way, but They want the vulnerability the most. They want the communication the most. They want the love the most. They want to be held. Usually what we put out is a mass of what we really want. They're not going to act like... I not can't say they're not going to act like they miss you. But yes, they're usually the dominant one in a relationship. They're going to act like everything's okay. They're taking care.
00:21:28
Speaker
At the end of the day, a woman is a woman and she wants a man's love and she wants to feel his masculinity and she wants him to be there through the good, through the bad, through the ugly. And she wants to feel you, not just see you or hear you. She wants to feel you. So we also have to allow our presence to be felt when we're in a vibration of a woman. Now look, some women are very manipulative, very controlling, very deceiving. I will agree.
00:21:54
Speaker
But once you're attuned into your higher self spiritually, man, and you know who you are, and you're not afraid to be embarrassed, you're not afraid to speak your truth, and you're not afraid to set boundaries and hold her accountable, she's going to love you more. So just know, as a two-way street, women lose trust for a lot of reasons. The nervous system, regulation, lack of safety in the mind, the lack of action and romance, right? Hopefully this episode connects DME on Instagram at Eric Bigger. Let me know what you think.
00:22:24
Speaker
By the way Don't forget to get you a bottle of Elia sparkling rolls. EB20 is my promo code to get 20% off all orders, up to $100. Shouts out to Simplify Impact, the marketing team that controls and maintains on my YouTube and social media, for my podcast. People, don't forget to get you some It's a Miracle Season swag, promo code M, season all caps for 50% off. It's the holidays. Get you some Miracle Season merch.
00:22:55
Speaker
But with that being said, while women lose trust, you got it, you get it. And if you don't, we can have another conversation. But it's all about effective communication people, vulnerability, intimacy, and just building that rapport within yourself so you can have that with someone else.
00:23:12
Speaker
So it is with so much gratitude. Tell a friend and tell a friend to like this episode and listening because I really want your feedback. Give me your honest feedback. I want to hear what do you think. Help me help you help us help the world. It's Miracle Season, spiritual fitness podcast. Peace.
00:23:29
Speaker
Thank you for joining us on the Spiritual Fitness Podcast. We hope today's episode has inspired you and provided valuable insights for your holistic health journey. By blending spirituality and physical wellness, you can strengthen your body, mind, and soul. If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review. Until next time, stay strong, stay inspired, and remember, it's miracle season.