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149. Breaking the Male Mold: Accountability and Growth in Masculinity
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In this episode of the Spiritual Fitness Podcast, Eric Bigger and Adisa Dempsey dive into the concept of "Man vs. Male" – a paradigm that distinguishes between the mature, accountable actions of a man and the often immature behaviors associated with remaining a male. Adisa shares his transformative journey from an 18-year-old male facing personal crises to achieving mature manhood through rigorous self-study, discipline, and the mentorship of seasoned men.
Together, they explore what it means to transition from being a male to embodying true manhood. They discuss the importance of maturity, emotional stability, and accountability, components essential to developing into a genuine man who can impact generations positively.
Also in this episode:
- A man takes responsibility, seeks accountability, and humbles himself, whereas a male often makes excuses and avoids personal growth.
- Successful relationships are grounded in self-awareness and understanding, requiring both parties to be accountable for their roles.
- Growth often requires challenging and questioning one's beliefs and being open to new perspectives.
- It takes a village to turn a male into a man; surrounding oneself with authentic men is crucial for this growth.
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Transcript
Introduction to Spiritual Fitness Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to the Spiritual Fitness Podcast. I'm your host, Eric Bigger. And each week, we will explore powerful practices, inspiring stories, and expert insights to guide you on your path to holistic health.
00:00:18
Speaker
By blending spirituality and physical wellness, we support you in strengthening your body and soul. Whether you're a seasoned spiritual seeker or just beginning your journey, the Spiritual Fitness Podcast is here to help you unlock your inner potential and live your most vibrant, purposeful life.
00:00:35
Speaker
It's miracle season.
00:00:40
Speaker
Spiritual fitness, spiritual fitness podcast. We back again.
Guest Introduction: Adisa Dempsey
00:00:44
Speaker
i got a great friend, a great buddy of mine back in the building of spiritual fitness. Welcome Adisa Dempsey, who's the omega, who's the prophet, who's the only one who I know is so disciplined and structured in what he brings to the world when it comes to divine masculinity truth.
00:01:03
Speaker
And I like to call him the due process general. And on today's episode, we're going to talk about man versus male. So Adisa, welcome to Spiritual Fitness Podcast. How are you?
00:01:17
Speaker
Man, I'm doing great. Excellent. You know, head high, chest out, things of that nature, you know. There we go. People, if you don't know, you need to know. Go follow him at Action Figure. Yo, A-C-T-I-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-E-Y-O on Instagram.
00:01:33
Speaker
He's always doing our IG Lives. And I quote one of his lives early morning. Most you might know him from Cage Greatness, the series we did on IG Live as well. But he does his own personal IG Lives every morning.
00:01:45
Speaker
And he was talking about Man versus male. And I was inspired. I was triggered. I was provoked. It made me think it made me analyze myself. And I say, you know what, Adisa, I think this is what the collective of men we need in the world or what becoming a man is what we think it is.
00:02:04
Speaker
And what is that process like?
Understanding Masculinity: Distorted Perceptions
00:02:06
Speaker
And I think masculinity in the world has been so distorted and put down in a way. But I think from how you approach it and how you describe it is so true.
00:02:19
Speaker
I want to read something that a decent sentiment this morning, guys. So check it out. Man versus male. A man will find a way. A male will make an excuse.
00:02:31
Speaker
A man will humble himself. A male will pretend and lie. A man will accept responsibility. A male will make excuses for being irresponsible.
00:02:41
Speaker
A man will apologize. A male will project it on you. A man has a vision. A man has a dream. Men take initiative. Males expect others to do it.
00:02:54
Speaker
Men expect accountability. Males justify their actions. Men love through actions. Males love through words. Men have honor. Males have pride.
00:03:05
Speaker
Men serve others. Males only serve their own interests. Man seeks to become a better man. Males only claim to be grown men. And so it is.
Journey to Manhood and Influences
00:03:15
Speaker
Great words, Adisa.
00:03:16
Speaker
Break it down for us. Give us your paradigm of those quotes, that meaning. How did you get to this actualization of becoming a man, being the man that you are today for the people you teach and coach?
00:03:29
Speaker
The one thing that mean I had to recognize is the vast amount of men that I've studied in my life that brought me to the clarity that I have. right There's no such thing as self-made.
00:03:42
Speaker
It's a cliche. It's a nice little slogan that people say i mean in an arrogant way, but nobody's self-made. The examples, you know studying men through history, know studying the men around me, these things have given me you know the doorway to manhood.
00:03:59
Speaker
Most guys in this society that we live in that haven't been around genuine men, strong men, disciplined men, responsible men, men of honor, they haven't graduated into manhood.
00:04:11
Speaker
They only speak of the idea of it, but don't actually practice it. So they're not practitioners of it. Right. And the work that I do is I deal with a lot of different men. I deal with boys and I deal with a lot of men. And the biggest thing that I see is the reason why a lot of males haven't transformed it towards manhood is because of their maturity in emotional state.
00:04:33
Speaker
Right. So if you read like what I talked about, it's a lot of maturity in the man's position and it's a lot of immaturity in the male's position. Remember when we were boys, you know, we were growing up and, you know, and a reason why I don't say boy is because I'm not going to disrespect somebody that's grown.
00:04:50
Speaker
I use male right to identify, you know, the property to mean of, you know, who they are. The status of man is something that has to be acquired through discipline, humbling yourself and being able to accept the accountability that comes with being that position.
00:05:08
Speaker
And in my line of work, a man is what he presents himself as. You know, your identity is how you show up. So how you show up on a consistent basis is what describes to people to mean who you are.
00:05:21
Speaker
Some people have never been around genuine men and they accept what has been around them as being a man until a man shows up. You know, Cat Williams said it, I mean, he said, yeah, you know, a Christ of 300 looks like a fan until a phantom shows up.
00:05:36
Speaker
And then when it she shows up, it's like, oh, you start like, yeah, yeah this is real. Right. In my work, I step into different type of environments. Right. I serve about 150 people a year.
00:05:47
Speaker
You know, I run about eight groups a week. I've dealt with from different ages, different races, different you know religious background. But it's always an underlying of respect because of the connection that men have.
00:06:01
Speaker
Right. Males want to be seen as men, but are not in the position to do what it is to be a man because they may not know. Men strive to hold their position as a man as they're constantly challenged to not show up in that position.
00:06:21
Speaker
Because it's hard being a man. Every day you're being challenged. I mean, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually, you know, you're being challenged, right? But how you show up keeps you in that position. Like manhood, I mean, is a life process. It's not like you go through manhood training and it's over. Like, no, yeah that's what you are under.
00:06:39
Speaker
You know, that's why I call it manhood. It's something that you're under and you stay under that for the rest of your life as you transform and you grow and you become the person, I mean, that you're striving towards becoming.
Building Productive Habits
00:06:49
Speaker
Yeah, and it's important to know what a man is. And if your blueprint doesn't give you that, which is your upbringing, what you saw in your environment, which you think the world teaches you of what being a man is.
00:07:02
Speaker
You said something earlier about habits. And there's something I think 19 key says that what we do frequently becomes our frequency. So if we're constantly doing things that we think is being a man and it's the wrong thing for the impression of being a man, then we don't really know how to hold that space of the wrong thing that we think we're becoming because our eyes were lied to based on what we saw. I mean, growing up, I wasn't raised around men that held me accountable.
00:07:32
Speaker
I didn't like I was around strong, solid men, but I never had no one like push me and hold me accountable. So I always was pushing myself to be something greater because I was so curious about what is being a man.
00:07:45
Speaker
Is it having all the money and the fortune and all the women? Because that's what I was told growing up in environment we grew up in. Sell drugs, be an athlete, get the girls, make the money.
00:07:56
Speaker
That's a man. But no one talked about emotional intelligence. No one talked to me about vulnerability. No one talked to me about intimacy. No one talked to me about being in my heart and receiving love in my body and not my mind.
00:08:08
Speaker
So these things I had to learn through trial and error
Transformation and Personal Growth
00:08:11
Speaker
to become more of a man. Where in a lot of ways I was a male. I just didn't know. So the fact that you speak on that, you was behind a wall for a pretty long time. I would say 17 years, 18 years.
00:08:25
Speaker
Yeah. Where did the male in a man come in for you? Like you was a male. You went to prison. You did your time. What point in your mind, your conscience at that turn and say, oh, I'm a man now.
00:08:38
Speaker
What was that turning point like for you? So I remember I'm 18. I mean, I'm at MCTC. They want to compound. At first I was wild. I was like anybody.
00:08:50
Speaker
um was going at anybody because the one thing about a male is he wants to prove himself. A man has already proven to himself that he is who he is. A male is always in the position to try to prove himself. Like, he feel like he got to show people that this is what he is, you know? And that's the state I was in. At 18, I mean, I was trying to prove myself.
00:09:12
Speaker
I took every threat as a promise, right? And that's how i dealt with it. And I kept on creating this calamity in my life where I kept getting into stuff. Like, everywhere i went, I just kept getting into stuff, right? Until I came across a man that...
00:09:25
Speaker
He's seen that my fight needed to be directed towards something greater, right? Because he talked about warriors, right? A warrior without a vision, I mean, is someone that will warn himself, right?
00:09:36
Speaker
I was able, you know, to be around some men that poured into me. One first ones that poured into me when I was in that state I had 30 years. My mom was like, yo, everybody going to feel my pain, right? Because that's what males do. You're going to feel my pain, yo. I'm going through You're going to go through it, right?
00:09:51
Speaker
Then they're emotionally unstable, right? Because they've been arrested in their development. They're still stuck in certain childish ways because they haven't learned the lessons that life has placed in front of them, right?
00:10:02
Speaker
And I hadn't learned those lessons. you know And I remember you know the brother... Name is Bob Emotep. He walked up on me and he was like, what's going on? So would I was like, what's up? He was like, um let me talk to you for a minute. I was like, man, I ain't got no rap, man.
00:10:16
Speaker
You know, if you ain't got nothing to say, don't get me out of prison, man. i don't want to hear it. And he's like, I got you. And he gave me a book on breaking the chains of psychological slavery. Right. And when I read the book, it's by Naeem Abad.
00:10:27
Speaker
Like the way I started looking at life, it started to shift. You know, then I've read Visions for Black Men. Then I read Know Thyself. And I ran through all of his books. And then I went through the broader files.
00:10:38
Speaker
I started reading, I mean, about the Panthers. I started reading about a lot of women in our history. three I read about Nat Turner, you know, Harriet Tubman. And I started looking at certain characters. Right.
00:10:50
Speaker
And it made me measure my character against it. Where I fell short is where i needed to rise. Right. See, manhood. Right. Is about reference.
00:11:02
Speaker
You got to have something that you're rooted in because that's what you pull on when you're vulnerable. Because it reminds you about who you are. Right. But you have a lot of males out here that are uprooted plants. Right.
00:11:14
Speaker
They're not planted in anything. Right. So that's the reason why they jump around. They go from thing to thing. Right. Because they have no home. My home is in the African-centered worldview that I practice.
00:11:25
Speaker
My home is in being a service to our people. That's where my home is. So every time that I'm faced with a situation, I think about what I'm rooted in and I allow that to guide me. Right. I allow that to be my checks and balance. Right.
00:11:39
Speaker
The problem is this. Right. Is that. We don't challenge the references that we have. Right. I grew around white lie like you, you know, so a lot of the references we had about manhood or strength was a lot of the brothers out there. I mean, I was in the streets getting that money doing this.
00:11:55
Speaker
And from the outside, you know, it looked glamorous. It looked like that's what it was. Right. But these individuals, right? I mean, they were just following, I mean, what was put in front of them.
00:12:07
Speaker
Nobody challenged it, right? My transformation came when I found the courage to challenge everything that I thought I knew. Because if it's the truth, if you battle test it, right?
00:12:18
Speaker
It's going to show up. It's going to be unscathed. going to unstretched. It's going to be what it is if it's surely what you're supposed to be doing. Right. But people fear doing that because now it's like, what do I do now? Because I got stripped down.
00:12:30
Speaker
Them books stripped me down. Right, man. I was like, yo, I remember like everybody going out to play basketball. I mean, they go to the yard. I mean, I'm in there reading, man, beating my brain in. And I'm like, Yo, why didn't I know this?
00:12:43
Speaker
You know, and then I was running back to Baba Emotep questions, questions, questions. And he had enough patience. Right. And I learned a lot of my patience from him because he had enough patience to help me to understand.
00:12:57
Speaker
And in the work that I do with a lot of men, like I'm not impatient with but people i mean that are difficult because I know that they're not difficult. They're going through something difficult. So it allows me to be able to assist them in a way where it's like you understand.
00:13:11
Speaker
Right. And that's another thing about being a man like men seek to understand males. They only want
Understanding Others vs. Being Understood
00:13:19
Speaker
to be understood. That's it. They don't seek to understand. It's a two way street. They only want to be understood.
00:13:25
Speaker
You know, so me by seeking to understand, that means that I can bridge gaps with other people. Male struggling relationship. you Me and you, we build. You're not even out of the generation.
00:13:37
Speaker
You grew up with ah with Jeremy. You feel what I'm saying? I grew up that man with his older brother. But you know us, know after all those years that come on home, and and we met up. It clicked. The reason why it clicked is because men can focus on the things that help each other to be better, right?
00:13:56
Speaker
Males don't do that. They tear down relationships. They make excuses. They justify. And they expect people to what? Understand. yeah They expect you to accept it and just take it, right? So through my transformation process, I had to let go of a lot of things.
00:14:10
Speaker
And I think I told you this story about I had a homeboy du from Philly, right? We had got tight. But this is before I started making my transformation process, right? Because another part of manhood is...
00:14:21
Speaker
Like when you start to grow and mature, like people, places and things start to change. If they don't change, then you're not growing. Right. So the conversations that me and him used to have, I mean, I'm no longer having conversations. I'm no longer entertaining them. Right.
00:14:37
Speaker
I'm trying to give him knowledge of self. I'm trying to give him. He don't want it. So I came to a decision. I was like, I said, y'all, we was coming out for chow, right? We got to the corner. i was like, yo, this is where we part ways. He was like, what you mean?
00:14:49
Speaker
I said, bro. I said, you don't want to be on the road I'm on, man. And if I continue to you i mean to entertain this, right? And I mean, I'll never make where I need to be. And I walked off, right? Week later, right, he got into a situation.
00:15:02
Speaker
Dude almost killed him, right? He wasn't on the same tier as me. So I seen him maybe two years after that, right? You know, scarred up and everything like that. You know, I embraced him, everything. And he told he said, bro, he said, man, you was the smart one.
00:15:15
Speaker
He said, you had something I couldn't see, man. I was jealous because you were doing stuff and you were growing in a way that I couldn't grow in at the time, right? And he said, you were trying to give it to me.
00:15:27
Speaker
but I ain't want it. You know what I mean? And part of being a man is we don't stay where we're not welcome, right? We got to move on. you feel what I'm saying? A male will wear out his welcome, sew it back up and wear it out again.
00:15:40
Speaker
You know,
Overcoming Fear and Societal Pressures
00:15:41
Speaker
so when we're looking at current development, we're looking at maturity. We're looking at the makeup of what it is to mean to actually impact generations because men transform generations to be better.
00:15:52
Speaker
Males cause the anchoring of holding generations back. Males hold the anchoring of holding generations back. Damn, we need more men.
00:16:04
Speaker
Most of my life, the term or the phrase I would use is that when you can seek to understand, then to be understood, you can move people. The challenge I had as a man who was still a male, I didn't allow people to understand me.
00:16:21
Speaker
So was reverse. So when it was time for people to understand e I'm like, no, no, no, no. I just want to understand you. And he's like, yeah, but what about you? And that's when I suffered in silence because I was afraid to bear myself of my truth for what I was suffering or dealing with because I didn't know how to communicate my vulnerability because when we were raised and grew up,
00:16:44
Speaker
You can't let them see you sweat. You can't drop a tear. You can't cry. You can't be emotional. My coach to tell me in basketball, stale face, no emotions. You make a mistake, keep going.
00:16:55
Speaker
Keep playing. So I took that in life. And as I've got older, I realized the more vulnerable I am, the more am. connect with the eye I can help the we connect to me.
00:17:06
Speaker
But if I keep making it about we and you and never bringing myself forward, then we're discombobulated. We're just really disconnected. But I'm thinking is real connection. But there's no connection is a disconnection because I'm not bringing my truth to the table. And I want to talk about relationships, especially with the other with the feminine energy and specimen, the female.
00:17:27
Speaker
How do we as men get out of the male energy to provide for the woman in our lives? It could be our partner. our sister, our mom, or just the women in our life that we care so much about.
00:17:41
Speaker
How can we step into that power of being a man and get out of the male energy? What are the practical steps that you can give us for that to manifest? So the first thing is, is that men have great relationships because they have a great relationship with themselves first.
00:17:58
Speaker
You have to have your best interest to have other people's best interests. And that allows you to be able to be an impact in people's lives. Right. See, a male takes advantages of the opportunity.
00:18:12
Speaker
A man appreciates the opportunity. It's a difference, right? The male looks at how I can capitalize off of this. The man looks like, how can I build with this?
00:18:23
Speaker
So it's always a back and forth and a we thing. So I remember I went at the gym, right? And a good friend of mine, right, he training his sister. She's doing weight training. She's trying to get her weight up, and I mean, and deadlifts and squats and all that stuff, right?
00:18:37
Speaker
So I'm great with technique. Like, I'm the type where it's done, mean, that I can sit there with you in one session and add 30 to 40 pounds, I mean, on your max. I'm talking about just right then and there, just by critiquing how your stance is, where your mind is, everything, right?
Building Better Relationships with Women
00:18:54
Speaker
So she's doing deadlifts, right? And she was struggling to be able to get 315. So what I did was I said, what are you comfortable with getting? Because my man, he would like, yo, I need you to help me, right? Because he'll be a personal trainer, but he know how I get down because I train him behind the wall.
00:19:08
Speaker
So he's like, man, I need you to help her, man, get over that hump, right? So I'm like, all right. So I asked, what are you comfortable with, right? She's like, I'm comfortable with 275. I said, all right. I put it down. I said, give me three of them. She gave me three E's. i said, all right, boom.
00:19:21
Speaker
I put a nickel on each side. She just give me one. You picked it up. Boom. Put another nickel on it. Just give me one. Boom. We got up a 315. She ain't no 315 was on the bar because we all these nickels on it.
00:19:32
Speaker
Picked it straight up. So you just did 315. She like, what? Broke past this. So the thing is, right? And we had conversations and stuff like that. Never hit on her. Never flirted with her. Never did none of that, right?
00:19:43
Speaker
And this is what I mean. It's built. You feel what I'm saying Beautiful sister, right? So crazy thing is, right? This is how a universe is, right? She know my wife. But how I was spoke about to my wife increased.
00:19:57
Speaker
her security in me not even though they knew each other but that's the difference see a male would have tried to take advantage of that situation and try to get close to it to manipulate the situation i did what i did helped her and i moved on and went back to what i was doing right and the reality is is that relationships are built off of being able to mean to be a genuine self right see i don't care right at the end of the day a man may say well you she came on to me a man knows how to control himself a male is going to make that excuse a man is going to say no man it ain't worth it i've had relationships with sisters that i knew it could never be sexual or anything other than i mean to being just cool because
00:20:42
Speaker
it will ruin the relationship. This person wasn't the right person, right? See, the only reason I was able to make those decisions because I knew me. Then we did about nobody else. I knew me.
00:20:54
Speaker
So when we look at the dynamic of men in relationships with women, right, When you struggle with your own understanding of how you're going to show up, you're going to show up based off of whatever's presented to you because you're going to allow the thing outside you to dictate how you respond to how you react.
00:21:12
Speaker
But when you show up as who you always are, and no matter what the circumstance is, you're going to be who you are, right? Even in me having a disagreement with someone, I still got to be a decent.
00:21:23
Speaker
Even my wife, right? Like a lot of times we might have a disagreement. I go back and the first thing I think about is my position. i don't think about hers because that's her position. I think about mine.
Accountability and Responsibility in Relationships
00:21:32
Speaker
And then when I come back to the table to me, I make reference to mine.
00:21:35
Speaker
You ever notice how people do this? I said, look, I'm like, all right, man, yo, I appreciate you doing this. And you'd be like, but bro, you did this the other day. Like men don't do that. That's what males do. That's called deflecting, right? We deflect. you know Men take accountability because if you really had that issue with me, Eric, you would have said something to me when I did it.
00:21:54
Speaker
It's like you was holding it in a chamber like, yeah, I got one. As soon as he jump out there try to get me, I'm going to pop him with this. You feel saying? And you can't grow healthy relationships based off of that, right? Men are about, if I say something, I got to do it.
00:22:08
Speaker
I got to be about it. Right. And that's even in your relationship with your significant other. Right. Because they pay attention. Like women pay attention more to what we say than we pay attention to what they say.
00:22:19
Speaker
And the reason why is because, you know, they just wired like that. Right. So I got to be mindful of certain things. Right. Men are intentional. You feel what saying?
00:22:31
Speaker
Males only do what they do because they're looking for the benefit at the end. Hmm. They're not focused on a due process. The income is what I like to call it. The income is the investment of the relationship, the building of the foundation of the relationship, the process of how do we get up this mountain together and not what you can give me to get up this mountain on my own.
00:22:55
Speaker
And once you get here with me, I'll leave you. That's a male. I want to go back and talk about the psychological factor of you helping a young lady in the gym. Because this is part of spiritual fitness, you know on this podcast that I really want to tap into people's psyche.
00:23:10
Speaker
I had a similar situation years ago with an Asian client of mine named Andy. Shouts out to Andy. Andy is incredible guy. And we were doing bench, right? And we wanted to go up.
00:23:22
Speaker
And so it was 205. I think we did like 185, five reps. I told him it was 205 on the bench, right? It really was 215. This 205, he only could get like two reps.
00:23:36
Speaker
So we go. I'm underneath, you know, letting him press. He did it five times. I said, Andy, that's 215. He like, what? I said, yes, I lied to you. Because by me telling you 205 and you trust me, you believed it.
00:23:52
Speaker
So you didn't even question it in your mind. But what I want to ask you, what happens psychologically when someone they're attached to what you're telling, but they don't understand what's actually
Pushing Past Limitations
00:24:02
Speaker
happening? Like what's happening in the psyche to get that woman to do 315, a few reps, like what's happening in that space?
00:24:12
Speaker
disbelief in self, right? If it can see it, it can do it, right? That's why I had her do what she was comfortable with and work from there because she's comfortable with it. I can do this. It's nothing.
00:24:22
Speaker
But as you add a dime on, you add a nickel on, 10 pounds, it's 10 pounds. You probably won't even feel it. Right. If you add 10 pounds on just 10, not 20 or 10 pounds and you feel that now is like your confidence being built every time you wo you feel more like confident. Right.
00:24:39
Speaker
Instead of you just putting on you go from 275 to 315 and you wonder why you fail because, you know, your mind is saying, I mean, man, that's a 35, 40 pound jump. Like, whoa, what's going on?
00:24:52
Speaker
So the thing about it is, is that even with like the young boys I deal with, right? I'm tell you this manhood is a process, man. There's no blueprint to it because every man, I mean, has struggles, right?
00:25:04
Speaker
And every man's process is different. The beauty about authentic men is that they learn to grow to be able to assist. So I had two young boys in one of my camps, right?
00:25:18
Speaker
I took them out to the soccer field and I was like, man, what's going on? And both of them was like, nothing. I'm good. or what up I said, man, no, we're going to talk about it. They didn't want to talk. I ran them. I said, let's run. So we ran. They sitting over there tired. I said, what's going on?
00:25:30
Speaker
Talk to me. They're like, there's nothing. Ran them again. I ran them about six or seven times until they was like, They talk. You feel what saying? I had to run out the bad energy to get to the truth.
00:25:43
Speaker
Then they opened up and they kind of find out both of them, their issues had nothing to do with each other. Their issues, I mean, had to do with their fathers.
Helping Young Boys and Fatherhood Challenges
00:25:50
Speaker
One not having his father in his life. The other feelings don't mean he can't live up to the expectations of his father.
00:25:57
Speaker
Right? And I did that with them and I talked to him about it, right? Reassured them. Both of these young men, and this was like two years ago, three years ago, they're doing excellent.
00:26:09
Speaker
One of them called me like three weeks ago and was like, Baba Adiz, I'm like, what's up? He was like, man, I got straight A's. And I was like, oh yeah? was like, man, I'm proud of you, man. Like he was just ecstatic because, you know, he's doing good, right?
00:26:23
Speaker
But he called me because don't have his father to call. You know, so at the end of the day, right, when we're looking at, you know, transformation, like men care, they care enough to be able to find a sure way to be able to get through. Right.
00:26:39
Speaker
As men, I mean, we got to have more than a hammer in our toolbox. See, males, they want to bang everything out. We want to break everything. That's what they want to do. They don't want to build their toolbox to be able to deal with whatever situation they may be faced with.
00:26:54
Speaker
They want to expand their skills because at the end of the day, right, they don't see that they need to work on anything. A man is always working on himself. He's always critiquing his himself to grow because I go back to what I tell you, like a wise man knows what he knows, what he knows, lets him know what he don't know. Right.
00:27:11
Speaker
So he's always seeking to understand so we can grow. And that's the growth and development. Right. Of being a man. If you feel like you don't need to work on anything, you're never wrong. You feel what saying? You see those people. Right.
00:27:23
Speaker
That be data rights. They got them on camera and everything. I mean, they don't want to accept no accountability because men understand that accountability puts them in a position to grow.
00:27:36
Speaker
Males look at accountability to me as a burden. Because they feel like, man, like I don't want to do it. They think that freedom is doing whatever they want. Men understand that freedom is a construct that gives them direction and guidelines.
00:27:51
Speaker
Because I know i made that to be free, I can't do things that jeopardize my freedom. Males don't think about that. They think freedom is wilding out. You see these young dudes dragging all that. This is an immature mind that you drag, right?
00:28:04
Speaker
In this society, people have associated with being cute. Men don't do things that are cute. Men do things that mean that, you know, are manly. Like, oh, that's just, you know, holding the door for a woman.
00:28:17
Speaker
That's manly. Walking on the side of the street with the cars. That's manly.
Manly Actions vs. Male Behavior
00:28:21
Speaker
You what I'm saying? Walking in front of your girl when you go down the steps. If she falls, you can catch her That's manly. Making sure that she's financially stable.
00:28:29
Speaker
Because if anything happened to you need to know she's okay. That's manly. That's what men do. Males don't do that. A male will sit on the couch, play the video game, i mean and allow his woman to work and take care of her.
00:28:41
Speaker
And he thinks that's cool. He thinks that's sweet. I want people to be able to take from this qualities that we all can develop and build. Right. But it takes great work and great discipline in order for you to be able to build that. Right.
00:28:54
Speaker
I told, I got homeboys who children's mothers don't respect them, but talk to me. I mean, like I'm their father. They respect me. And I told him, I said, you know why she respect me and she don't respect you? Like, yeah don't know why.
00:29:05
Speaker
I said, because she don't have the bad experiences with me that she got with you. Like, you've stepped on your character. Man, can't nobody step on your character but you. You what I'm say The only thing people do is follow the footsteps you already laid down.
00:29:17
Speaker
Yeah. and And the biggest thing of talking about being a man and not a male and developing your character and being diligent and consistent and working on yourself to be your best.
00:29:29
Speaker
It's so ironic because most of my life, that's what my intention was. I want to be great. I want to be the best me alive. So I constantly did the work. So I would get around males.
00:29:42
Speaker
that would say that with friends at the time, man, relax, man, you too hard on yourself. You need to stop reading all those books. You need to stop. Don't worry about that. Just live. But they didn't understand my mindset or where I was going and what I wanted to become.
00:29:55
Speaker
I wanted someone to hold me accountable so I can be more responsible for the life I'm living. And a part of me unconsciously almost stopped doing the work on myself because I was around males that appeared as men.
00:30:10
Speaker
And I had to, you know, years ago, tell someone like this is where our friendship ends. Like, you keep cool, but when everybody come back on the side, because I'm just in a different trajectory of my life. And I think it's important to be around people who hold you accountable and hold you to a higher standard, even if it's uncomfortable.
00:30:28
Speaker
was talking to a young woman yesterday and she was talking about fear. The fear frequency is a low vibration. If you live on it look at the David Hawkins vibration chart, think fear is like a 60 or 70 vibration.
00:30:41
Speaker
And she said, the reason fear takes over our lives is because we keep watering it by avoiding it. And the more we water the fear, it amplifies and it manifests. But she said, if you just step to the fear, it shatters because it's a low frequency.
00:30:56
Speaker
But we continue to water it, to amplify and now it becomes our life. And I believe most males are afraid of being men. Most people have never seen what is being expected of them.
00:31:10
Speaker
There we go. You feel what i'm saying? So you look at it like this. I mean, you you telling somebody to they got to be this and be that. Right. And they mind like I've never seen that before. You expect me to be something that I've never seen. Right.
00:31:21
Speaker
If you've never seen anybody bench three 15. Right. and I mean. Nobody's probably going to want to step up because it's like, man, it's intimidating. Right. But the reality is once you see something right, it becomes reality.
00:31:33
Speaker
Even with my clients, a lot of them believe in a self because they see it in me. No, it's like, whoa, like so you got to live it. Right. Hypocrisy. Right. Hypocrisy has killed the growth and development people.
00:31:45
Speaker
People don't strive towards things that mean when they see hypocrisy, right? As a child growing up and you're household and your parents tell you one thing and they do another, right? You view them as a hypocrite.
00:31:56
Speaker
So in your mind, right, you don't get the lesson the way that you should have got the lesson because of that, right? So there's times you look at a fool. At times, I mean, you will see a fool, I mean, that'll give you something that's wise.
00:32:10
Speaker
Sometimes you'll see male give you something to mean that's considered to mean what it is to be a man, right? But they don't live in that.
Authenticity and Personal Growth
00:32:19
Speaker
See, the difference is this, right?
00:32:20
Speaker
Is that when you live in this, this is who you are, right? So the thing is that I don't fault when I look at um somebody that's considered a male, like a lot of times i look at a lot of these people on social media, how they act.
00:32:32
Speaker
And I'll be like, it's understandable because they don't know who they are. Just because you got money doesn't mean to mean that you have a sense of identity, right? Because when I look at you, you go for anything and you do anything, right?
00:32:45
Speaker
That is considered, I mean, the consensus of what is being accepted in society today. A man, he's kind of like what people would consider outdated to the day's time because the way things are dealt are different right like i sit down with people all the time right and the number one thing i realize is this that your emotional content defines the application of what you say you know so when your emotional content is anger pain fear trauma anxiety right your actions are going to reflect that but when your emotions are stabled
00:33:21
Speaker
You have the energy to be able to reinforce your thoughts that produce the actions that create clarity for other people to see. A lot of times we look at people and we're confused about their behavior. We be like, yo, they wild. And no, you really mean like, yo, I'm confused. This is crazy.
00:33:39
Speaker
What is going on? And it's because people don't know who they are. Because my thing is this. I can take somebody disagreeing with me. I can take someone disagreeing. not wanting to be on the right path.
00:33:52
Speaker
You got other people, I mean, they got control factors. They can't control their life, so they try to control everything outside their life. And that's what I see with a lot of males, right? Like I see them, like, for example, what is being produced right now in society is you have, like, they're doing this balloon pop thing, right?
00:34:10
Speaker
People don't realize, I mean, that people are literally going on there to drag. They go on there to be little people, right? They come on there, somebody comes on there, dress nice or whatever, I mean, and pop, pop, pop. And then they look at, I don't like this about you. i' like that about you. And the whole thing is based off of that, right?
00:34:27
Speaker
And it gets liked. So what happens is people, I mean, leave feeling conscious about this. though So feel like conscious about it. So they, oh man, like, I don't like this about myself. don't like that about myself.
00:34:38
Speaker
And then you wonder why you have women out here mutilating their bodies and doing this to try to look like something that they think that is acceptable, right? And we live in a society where people, they're more focused on how everybody think they should be instead of their own thoughts about who they should be.
00:34:55
Speaker
Like me, I remember brother told me like, why you lock your hair up? I said, because that's what I wanted to do. and And this woman, she was like, but that beautiful hair, you mess it up. I said, that's your opinion. If you can't be supportive of that man, you know, then you can put the energy somewhere else.
00:35:08
Speaker
And she was like, no, I didn't mean like that. I said, you did mean it like that. Because you want me to be what you want me to be. yeah And I can't do that and be myself at the same time.
00:35:19
Speaker
So this is what people get confused with, right? They get caught up in it. And a lot of these younger generations, I talk to these young dudes, right? I got a mentoring group that I do twice a week, right? I get guys in there, I guess 17 year olds, 18, 21 year olds, 25 year olds. Right.
00:35:34
Speaker
And the consensus is that they don't know their value, you know, and the reason why i don't know their value is because they don't know who they are, but they all want to be met. And I tell them, how can you be a man when you struggle with your own personal value?
00:35:48
Speaker
So that means that. When you don't know your value, you'll go for anything and do anything. Does that sound like manhood? And they're like, nah. I said, so what you going to I mean, you know, I said, you doing what you seeing out there.
00:36:03
Speaker
You know, when I step out the house, I don't come out and I mean to throw on a mask to blend in with everybody. Like when I step into a room, I mean, my aura, I mean, changes the direction and the trajectory, I mean, of what's going on.
00:36:15
Speaker
Because I'm a man. I had a town hall meeting I went to. Everybody went up there and spoke. I went up there, did what I did. I'm saying? there was other people going up to speak. I mean, they were pulling me up. can I talk to you real quick? and Because the energy shifted.
00:36:29
Speaker
I had a lady pull me up. She like, man, I've been clean for 30 years and everything you said just touched me. I want to let you know that I appreciate, you know, like you understood. and it's because, you know, like that's the energy we have to have when we step into an environment, right?
00:36:44
Speaker
You should shift that environment towards better. People should be better because you were around her. When you step into a room, people should be like, yeah, that's what a man does. Right. See, a male walks into a room and dudes be like, oh, man, what you're doing here?
00:36:59
Speaker
What's going on? feel what I'm saying? But when you a man, You make everything better. Absolutely. When I come in the house, man, my son run to me. Boom. favorite Greatest feeling in the world. Right. And I would never sacrifice that or sell that for anything.
00:37:12
Speaker
You know, because the way that he looks at me, this is what he wants to be. You know, I want to be like my father. I want to be like this man. You know, a lot of boys didn't grow up with that. So how can you be healthy in your manhood when you don't feel valuable because the man that gave you life wasn't there? Right.
00:37:31
Speaker
Well, this is a healing process. that they need to go through. They need to go through healing, right? The healing is this, right? You need to understand, I mean, that your father not being in your life does not diminish your value.
Healing and Understanding Personal Value
00:37:45
Speaker
He might've been dealing with stuff that is beyond anything that mean that you understand, I mean, and you're not the problem. But we internalize that because the first thing we do is ask ourself, what was so wrong for me, for him not to be there?
00:38:00
Speaker
Right. And people move with that. Right. And it's sad because, you know, it shouldn't be that way. Like boys need men, you know, in the first definition of a man to you, I mean, is the man to help give you life.
00:38:15
Speaker
Then you go in a community, right? You come across other men. You've got uncles, you've got grandfathers, you've got the mailman, you've got, you've got all these different men, right? That are supposed to be pouring into you.
00:38:27
Speaker
Right. Just like they say, it take a village to reach out. It takes a village of men to rear a male into a man. Because the thing is, right, if you're a male and you're struggling with manhood and you're not getting with authentic men that you see around you, that means that you don't have the courage to humble yourself to accept the guidance.
00:38:50
Speaker
Until you do that, right, you're going to struggle with it. Right. I guarantee you, you put me in front of any one of those rappers out there that mean that you see to be doing what they're doing. Right. And we sit down and have a conversation on being a man.
00:39:01
Speaker
They're going to walk away with a different understanding and they're going to walk away feeling like they have some things they need to work on. Right. You know, because the only thing that you can say is I got a million dollars.
00:39:16
Speaker
I'm a millionaire. I'm a billionaire. You can say those things. But what is the state of your family? What is the state of your relationship with your children? What is the state of the relationship with your woman? What is the state of your relationship with your friends?
00:39:28
Speaker
What is the state of your relationship to me with society? Because money doesn't define that. You know, for example, right? I'm going to say it to me. Like Kanye, I love his music, right?
00:39:40
Speaker
But look at the state of his relationships. It's not healthy. You feel what saying? It's not healthy, man. You feel what saying? You look at a lot of these rap, they crashing out. You feel saying? Like, it's not a flex to have three, four baby mothers.
00:39:55
Speaker
And the reason why it's not a flex is because that's four examples of failed relationships. And you can't put it directly on a woman. You got to look at your part that you played. That means you didn't choose right or you wasn't the right man to attract right.
00:40:08
Speaker
You know, so these are things that we got to look at when we talk about manhood, right? Manhood is the foundation and what has grown from your foundation. i'm saying You can't tell me that you a man, right?
00:40:20
Speaker
And nothing has grown from you except for economical state. Right. And right now they giving out money to anybody. I mean, it's going to sell a soul in a character. Yeah, and they use the money to cover it up.
00:40:32
Speaker
What are some leaders out there that you look up to or some books that young boys, young males or even men that's coming up that they can read to continue to sharpen their iron of their wisdom, of their intellect to grow into manhood in a healthy way?
Resources for Personal Development
00:40:49
Speaker
What are some books or some leaders you would tell people to check out for their development? speak, you know, Baltimore, you know, you got do a lot of different organizations that are doing work. You got PLM, the African Liberation Movement, right?
00:41:02
Speaker
That's the organization I'm a part of. You know, is's a lot of strong men in that. We got got our own Watoto Developmental Center. It's a child learning center. we have higher learning center, I mean, for children. My son has been there.
00:41:14
Speaker
He knows Swahili. He knows Spanish, you know, sign language. He knows all his ABCs and stuff. and I mean, and, you know, he's on the road right now with being able to identify words and be able to spell them, right? He's three years old, right?
00:41:27
Speaker
And the reality is, is that You got to invest. So there's places and things that's going on. You also the organization, we do a camp every year. You know, we have a boys group, you know, then you have like organizations like bro, black running organization, right?
00:41:42
Speaker
You know, they take young people and a man, they go through that. You got Tendaya. Tendaya is an organization that has like an academy, i mean I mean, for young boys that are trying to, you know, get their life together. They have in the community y out there, you know, in the streets, cleaning, doing different stuff like that. So it's a lot of different good organizations doing work and doing things. There's a lot of good people around, a lot of men, right?
00:42:05
Speaker
Books-wise, you know you can get Manhood in the 21st Century, Baba Emotep, Fatiu. you know i got You can get Battle Surgery from me. I would suggest, I mean, you got Juwanza Kajufu. He got a lot of good books.
00:42:17
Speaker
And a lot of them, I mean, they're geared towards young people, so the reading is real good and it's real easy, right? And he has a whole collection of different books you can read. You know, so and then you have groups, I mean, in the city to do women work and stuff like that. So it's a lot going on. Right.
00:42:31
Speaker
But what I tell people is this. Right. If you aren't doing the work on yourself, you're not going to come across this. Right. When you start doing work on yourself, it's like the universe says, all right, here's some new directions.
00:42:43
Speaker
It's some new places. Right. And that's how it works. Right. When you're doing dirt. Right. All you find is dirt. You got people like they get high, right? They know where everything is hitting and everything is running. They know what I mean. This dude about to open up shop before he know it going to up shop because that's their focus, right?
00:42:58
Speaker
When your focus is I need to get my life together and transform my life, the universe is going to open doors and put you in a position to be able to receive that. It's going to bring people into your life, right? And that's the power of the spirit.
00:43:09
Speaker
The spirit will will its way into a position to grow. if you are willing to feed it. So those are different books and stuff like that will help with you know transformation and stuff like that. But this work, it's essential that it starts with self.
00:43:26
Speaker
like You got to have enough love for yourself. like If you got a family, you want your family to be better, it got to be at the extent of you becoming better. Now, I've seen guys right transform their lives and they're a relationship with a sister and the sister don't want to grow.
00:43:41
Speaker
And they got a decision. Are you going to stay in that relationship are you going lead that relationship? Or we got guys that mean that they want their children to have everything that's right, but they don't want to be right. So they get a false example, right? So you got to be the example.
00:43:55
Speaker
But males don't want to spend time with men because they feel exposed. That's how do they look at it. They look at it like they're being exposed. But instead of looking at it as a man, it's an opportunity to be able to grow.
00:44:07
Speaker
like Me being around older men and building with these elders and stuff like that, I gain a lot of wisdom and insight so I can work on myself to be better. And in that, right I evolve and I grow.
00:44:19
Speaker
When I came home at 35, I'm 41. I have elevated so from 35 to 41. I elevated so much from 17 to 35 when came home. i elevated so much from seventeen to thirty five when i came home And it's because I kept myself in the book studying.
00:44:32
Speaker
That's what it's about, right? When a man doesn't understand, he doesn't know how to do. When you have the knowledge, right, you can work towards the application. Like, for example, like the stuff I know now, I didn't once to know.
00:44:45
Speaker
And it was through studying that put me in a position to be like, you know what? And then I question everything. Because one thing about a man is this, right? Like I told like Bob Immotel was patient with me. Every time I had a question, he was willing to like, all right, boom, and break it down.
00:44:58
Speaker
Or he would direct me to where I needed to go. And I grew, you feel what saying? And when I came out here, he was like, man, what you want to do? What you like? And I said, I'm trying to keep moving to doing what I'm doing, right? And even with the boys group, right?
00:45:10
Speaker
I started the boys group and I talked to him. He was like, man, run it. See how go. I ran the boys group and he was like, you know what? You got something. He put 100% support into it.
00:45:21
Speaker
His thing was this. OK, you came to me. You want to do this, but you got to do some work to show me that you really want to do this. And that's the thing. What men do is they allow males to go through their process.
00:45:33
Speaker
Like, I can't do the work for you. I can assist you and I can encourage you towards the right directions to be able to to receive what you need. But it has to be on you. You got to be willing to want to do the work.
00:45:44
Speaker
You got to be willing to mean to humble yourself. You got to be willing to accept accountability, be responsible. And you got to be able to take that discipline, right? Because that's the biggest thing. Males run from discipline because they look at it as punishment.
00:45:57
Speaker
Men understand discipline is essential to growth and development. You can't grow without discipline, right? The difference between a person that has discipline and a person that doesn't have discipline is a person that has discipline, goes to the gym, works out, comes home, diets, meal preps, you feel what saying?
00:46:15
Speaker
And gets his rest, right? And he develops and he grows. The male goes to the gym, ego works out, come home, eat at whatever you want to eat, and it gains no result.
Discipline and Self-Love
00:46:25
Speaker
That's the difference.
00:46:26
Speaker
But then he get mad. He's frustrated. I have clients. I've let them know like, yo, I can't train you. Why? Because don't have no discipline. A man is not going to invest in anything that's going to make him look like he is not who he is.
00:46:39
Speaker
Why am I investing in somebody, right? And then a year later, people looking like, dang, like, yo, your trainer ain't did nothing for you. ah I've had that. I've pushed money away. Like, yo, I can't do this. ah Why?
00:46:50
Speaker
Because you're not ready for this. I said, when you are ready, I'm here. I'm not investing in something that I got to do to work. And it's like this, right?
00:47:01
Speaker
You building a house. I put a brick on. You take two off, yo. I got to get rid of you. there because you're messing up in the main progress right you know my success is your success your success is my success right you know not my success is your success and you just keep taking my success no we're not doing that it's equal you got to be able to share a frequency i want to finish with two simple questions just whatever comes to mind so the first one is what does self-love from a man look like and what does spiritual fitness from a man embody?
00:47:37
Speaker
Self-love for a man looks like this. I love this woman, but she's not the right one for me. So I walk away and I don't walk away when it's too late. I walk away to be able to keep the integrity of the relationship the best way I can.
00:47:54
Speaker
That's self-love. The thing is, is that we'll stay in relationships and we'll stay in commitments that we know that's not good for us because we're too emotionally invested in it.
00:48:06
Speaker
A man can separate even though it hurts. Like me, I'm the type like this is I love myself too much to not be myself. And if I'm with someone that makes me feel like I can't be myself, then I don't need to be with that person.
00:48:23
Speaker
And self-love is not doing things that make you wrestle at night. I'm not going to make decisions that mean that I'm to be wrestling and regretting. You know, so I take the time to really look at this the things I need to deal with so that when I move, I can move according to what's going to be therapeutic for me, but also balancing to whatever parties are involved.
00:48:46
Speaker
And for the spiritual fitness, we look at fitness, right? And we're not just talking about like physical exercise. We're talking about being able to elevate the energy of his spirit to allow it to be able to be in the spaces it needs to be.
00:48:59
Speaker
So me, I would say this. It's being able to be generally yourself in every interaction, regardless of what the situation is.
00:49:12
Speaker
Spiritual fitness domain is being able to maneuver through difficult times and still hold intact your integrity.
Defining Spiritual Fitness
00:49:21
Speaker
It's being able to let go of things.
00:49:24
Speaker
that you don't want to let go of, but you know that it's the best thing, even at the loss of something of yourself, right? I've had opportunities that mean to make 80 to 100,000 a year, right?
00:49:37
Speaker
But it was in another state. And at the time I was like, you know, I still was helping my mother. I still was, you know, developing and building a relationship with my family that I haven't been in their life. And, you know, I have a responsibility to the organization I'm a part of here.
00:49:52
Speaker
I said, nah. And the reason why is because, you know, I know that my spirit will feel lost not doing what I know I need to do just because, I mean, there's a couple of extra zeros added to my income.
00:50:06
Speaker
And I'm OK with that. Like, you know, my wife look at me and she was like, it's the only things you can be doing. I said, but like my satisfaction comes from, you know, being able to help the young people that I help. It comes from being able to do the work to help the people that help is love for me.
00:50:20
Speaker
A lot of people say, man, like you do a lot. I feel like I don't do enough. So I think that that spiritual fitness part, I mean, is being able to mean to be in tune with what your spirit really desires and not allowing, you know, pride, ego or emotions just to get in the way of what fulfilling is.
00:50:41
Speaker
The one thing about the spirit is this. When it's at peace, it can calm everything else. When your spirit is in turmoil and it's all over the place, it affects everything else. It was beautiful.
00:50:51
Speaker
Brother Adisa, thank you for the wisdom. Man versus male. How can we find you? Where can we get your information, your books, potentially your podcast is coming out soon and everything else. Where can we find you? Tell the people and we're going drop it in the show notes.
00:51:07
Speaker
I am a certified life coach and mental health first aider, conflict resolution and communication skills training. You can find me on unk42coaching.com. I'm on Instagram, actionfigureyo.
00:51:22
Speaker
coaching dot com um'm on instagram um action figure yo My book's on Amazon.
Coaching and Connecting with Adisa
00:51:28
Speaker
I got a YouTube page, Wang of the Heart 1735. seventeen thirty five So it's W-E-I-G-H-I-N-G of Heart, H-E-A-R-T, 1735.
00:51:40
Speaker
I'm going to be dropping a lot of videos in there soon doing that. And just, you know, keep the ball moving. I've been kind of like doing a lot of work behind the scenes and now I'm just trying to step out, be able you know to just connect with the people.
00:51:56
Speaker
I usually put out a video Monday through Friday every morning my IG page, Action Figure Yo. Just come check it out. It's a lot of videos on there. That's what it is. I appreciate opportunity.
00:52:07
Speaker
Yes, indeed. People would be great. Download, share. Shouts out to Simplify Impact who does all my YouTube and my podcast. Thank you, Anna. Thank you, Maddie. Thank you, the entire team.
00:52:19
Speaker
Shouts out to Elia Sparkling Rose. Use my promo code EB20 to get 20% off of all orders up to $100. But guys, this was great. Adisa, you're amazing.
00:52:30
Speaker
People follow him. I'll put all his details in the show notes. We got another episode. We out. Peace.
00:52:38
Speaker
Thank you for joining us on the Spiritual Fitness Podcast.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:52:41
Speaker
We hope today's episode has inspired you and provided valuable insights for your holistic health journey. By blood to spirituality and physical wellness, you can strengthen your body, mind, and soul.
00:52:53
Speaker
If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review. Until next time, stay strong, stay inspired, and remember, it's miracle season.