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Episode 16 - Be F***king Kind to Yourself
78 Plays2 years ago
BONUS EPISODE! Paul and Martin (co-Mayors of ADHDville) chat about how important self kindness is on the Adult ADHD journey. Paul gets his car dirty driving to Turin and Martin has pant problems.
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Put quill to paper and send us an email at: ADHDville@gmail.com
Theme music was written by Freddie Philips and played by Martin West. All other music by Martin West.
Please remember:
This is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
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Transcript
The Cycle of Trash Accumulation
00:00:00
Speaker
Yeah, we just need to limber up a bit here. Yeah. Oh, there we go. All right. All right, let's start. I was doing the laundry the other day and I realized something that I do.
00:00:22
Speaker
So I get all my trousers, all my pants, right? Pants in America, that is. And I go through the pockets to kind of make sure that there's nothing in there and there's invariably some bits of paper like receipts or tissue or there's always that. And I always pull it out and then I put that in the pocket
00:00:52
Speaker
of the jeans that I'm currently wearing, right? And then I go and wash those. And then at some point I'll take the jeans that I've got off and then I'll just transfer that trash into the pockets that I currently have. So my pockets over the cycle of about a month, they just get bigger and bigger.
00:01:16
Speaker
of right okay with trash because i'll run through i'm just i'm just accumulating it all into into the current pair of jeans that i'm wearing i did something similar yesterday actually very just coincidentally yeah i've got some car wash tokens that i just go from one pair of jeans to another yes and i'm not using
00:01:44
Speaker
I like to keep my car clean.
00:01:47
Speaker
Oh, the transitioning, right. Yes. Well, if anyone knows. If I don't put them in my pockets, I put them on the shelf in the bathroom. And if I do that, then my girlfriend would be like, oh, God, you know, I think I've got a cleaner after all. All right. All right. OK, there we go. I think that's what it is, is because we know if you put it down, it will just pile up.
00:02:15
Speaker
or get lost so it's better to keep it honest almost like our keys and wallets right it's like if it's honest yeah then we feel safe and we feel okay right we've i can i can i can get my car washed at any moment because i'll always have the tokens exactly yeah exactly
00:02:36
Speaker
If I just pass that, even it's a bit of a problem at the moment because I don't want washing my cousin.
Procrastination and Life's Delays
00:02:42
Speaker
I drove to Turin yesterday, which is why I've got a different background. Um, cause what's the point in washing it? I'll be on the motorway for, on the freeway for two hours. Complete waste of money. So those, those cutwash tokens are going to be in there till like, till spring.
00:03:01
Speaker
and beyond and beyond. I think I think we should all take bets on how long they'll be in your in your in your gene packet. All right. Well, on that bombshell. Welcome to ADHDville.
00:03:41
Speaker
I'm convinced that through the process of evolution that our intro will evolve into something.
00:03:49
Speaker
You know, like organically, it will, it will, it will, it will find itself. Like by episode one, one hundred, we will have to have it nailed. Oh, right. Weird you said that. Weird you said that yesterday. I almost wrote down a song.
00:04:09
Speaker
okay based on that tune all right well when it's ready let's uh you can uh well it's more likely to be when it's not ready at all it would be you know well i'll try i've never written a song before that's probably why i didn't write it again but there is a there is something in my head okay there's the sound of me singing to it but i haven't written down the words
00:04:36
Speaker
Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, hello.
ADHD Diagnosis and Personal Stories
00:04:41
Speaker
Hello. I'm Paul Thompson. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD after 56 years of thinking, why do I, why do it? Ooh.
00:04:52
Speaker
Why don't I speak English? Up to 56 years. Yeah, exactly. What? Oh, my God. Why do I always feel like a damned alien slowly? Yeah. 56 years of feeling like an alien. What the hell? Yeah. Well, you know what? I wouldn't expect an alien to speak perfect English anyway. That's true. It's not my mother language, after all. No. It is fast becoming your second language. Yeah.
00:05:22
Speaker
And I'm Martin Weston. I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2013.
00:05:30
Speaker
which, coincidentally, was the year that Wolf on Wall Street came out. You know the film with Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill? Have you seen it? Yes, yes. I have. I've seen it twice, I think. With Matthew McConaughey in it is amazing. Oh, yes, yes. In the restaurant scene. Yeah. Oh, my God. Banging his chest. Yeah.
00:05:57
Speaker
I was reading something about that. And Leonardo DiCaprio didn't know that he was going to do that kind of chanting thing. He didn't know it. And there's a bit where he glances off to one side and he's actually looking at the director going, what's going on? What the hell? Right. Yeah. Oh my God.
00:06:27
Speaker
Amazing. So he ad-libbed it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally ad-libbed it. I love stuff like that. It's like films where they're ad-libbed. Apparently, Marlon Brando in Apocalypse now, he was so out of his mind on drugs that they could barely get him to arrive on set. So when he did actually have a scene where he talked, he totally ad-libbed it.
00:06:57
Speaker
Oh, wow. And yeah, and it's become like, you know, cult status, you know, in cinema. Nice. Well, the reason why I brought up Wolf on Wolf Street was because I was going to tell you a quick story, which was I was doing a pitch.
00:07:18
Speaker
North of Manhattan, I can't remember where it was for this cancer, for this big cancer organization. And went in there, went up the elevator, met the people, did the pitch, went quite well. Then when we came back down the elevator,
00:07:44
Speaker
As soon as the doors opened, there was a guy there going, quick, quick, quick, over here, over here, over here. We're like, what the hell's going on? And, and we were on the set of Wolfong Wubble Street. Like literally the elevator opened up in the middle of the scene that they were shooting. So we were hustled off to one side and we like hid around a bush.
00:08:10
Speaker
And then the then they shot the scene, which was which was Leonardo DiCaprio was standing outside a car at the at the at the building's entrance. Nice. Nice. I don't think I don't think it made it to the to the film. I think it ended up on the cutting room floor. But OK, you don't have an extra somewhere on the on the credits.
00:08:40
Speaker
Right, a guy hiding behind bush, Martin West. Hairstylist to man standing behind a bush. Key gaffer of the man standing behind a bush. I need my own crew for sure.
00:09:06
Speaker
All right, pressing on.
Mind-Clearing Activities
00:09:09
Speaker
So anyway, yeah, we're just two mates who, by coincidence or not, after 39 years of friendship, discovered that we're co-ADHD-ers. Now it's really important to say that this is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals. So don't take any advice from us. No, no, no, we're just here as a kind of all-inclusive
00:09:35
Speaker
ADHD pop edge with room for everyone including your doppelgangers, your alter egos, your body doubles and your chaperones. Still here? Great. Grab your assorted biscuit tins and let us take you down to ADHDville, an imaginary town that we've created in our minds. In our minds. Where we like to explore different parts of ADHD.
00:10:03
Speaker
And that was a smooth adventure I've done so far. Yeah, it was pretty good. It was faultless. Wow. I know. And you even managed to get through the bits where I was interrupting, which was great. Yeah. Well done. Team star. Team point. And we start off as always here in the town hall.
00:10:28
Speaker
And as we are joint mayors, you know what, I normally do this bit quite, quite well. And now I feel like I've screwed up this part. So yeah, it's because I'm in a different locations. I think you're picking up on me. It's the Zalik thing again, you're picking up on me being in a different location, me being slightly out of tilt.
00:10:51
Speaker
Right. I don't know. Maybe. All right. So here we go. We start off as always here at the town hall in the mayor's office, where we, the joint mayors of ADHD, will take care of business. Now we're going to slightly switch up this. So we're going to put some other stuff at the end of the episode.
00:11:12
Speaker
and so we're going to start off with a how was your week good bad or ugly or ugly yeah well um yeah as i just said i could have like moved i've come to visit my son in Turin about two hour drive
00:11:29
Speaker
and with my dirty car. And it occurred to me that I love driving. When I'm driving, especially long distance, my mind becomes really like cleaned out. It's like my brain has had a kind of colonic irrigation.
00:11:55
Speaker
And everything makes sense when driving. It's weird. It's maybe like some old true sensory thing. And I don't know. It's the same thing that music does, or it's the same thing. Do you do this? When you're in a meeting, you doodle.
00:12:19
Speaker
in your notepad. It's the same thing, which is part of your brain is occupied with something. So when you're driving down the long freeway motorway, I don't know what they call them in in Italia.
00:12:41
Speaker
Altostrada, so part of your brain is occupied just thinking about where you're going and the speed and making sure that you're in the right lane and all that kind of stuff and looking out for traffic.
00:12:54
Speaker
in the same way that you do in the same way that when you play the music part of your brain becomes occupied. It's that thing I was saying the other day about it's a bit like taking your kid to the ball pit so that they can just be occupied with something a bit. Out of sight, out of mind.
00:13:16
Speaker
Right. So that agitated part of your brain is kept happy because it's looking out for other cars. And look at that dirty one over there. Good Lord. And look like a nice clean car, but I wish mine was clean. If only I had some tokens. Oh, wait, I do have tokens. Yeah. I think that's why there's this kind of peace because part of your brain is just being amused.
ADHD Self-Care Strategies
00:13:44
Speaker
Yeah, peace is exactly right word. Yeah. So yeah, how about you Martin? Oh, speaking of cars. Um, so my, uh, my, my week has been, uh, Oh, okay. I'm, I'm still trying to get some, uh, um, get my weeks, uh,
00:14:11
Speaker
Wow, what's what I'm looking for? Structure. My week's to do list. It gets some more structure in place. So speaking of cars, the car dashboard lights have started to blink up, so it would be problems like your brake assist or your lane diversion monitoring systems off.
00:14:38
Speaker
So now I've got lots of blinking lights about the electronics. And I'm slightly procrastinating now about I've got to now take it to the service guys. I'm like, well, what if I just.
00:14:56
Speaker
maybe it'll sort itself out. So this is ADHD lie that I'm telling myself, which is like, Oh, maybe it'll, it'll, I'll go down tomorrow and it, and it won't be there. And now feels, and then I'll be like, Oh, I'm so glad I didn't waste like $300 taking it to the service station. But this weird, you'd say that gone. Sorry.
00:15:20
Speaker
But yes, if I ignore it, is it going to get worse? Am I going to end up having a crash and die and wish I paid that $300? I don't know.
00:15:37
Speaker
on ADHD tacks fairly soon, I think. I've lost cars because I couldn't be asked to do exactly what you said. Couldn't be asked to take it to someone. Couldn't be asked to put new oil in. Couldn't be asked to do this and that. And the end of the car was just good for nothing. It was cooked. A perfectly good car. Cooked. Yep. I have done the same with the oil, not put oil in and the engine blew up.
00:16:07
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. God though. Anyway, yeah. ADHD techs. I think it's going to be a, it's going to be a three hour episode. That one. Holy crap. Several parts. All right. So where are you?
00:16:22
Speaker
where are you taking us today polio okay well martin martin we're gonna i'm gonna take you off to uh tough to the hhdville spa i'm going to have a little chat
00:16:38
Speaker
have no chat about being fucking kind to yourself actually it's got asterixes here but i couldn't i wouldn't be able to say f asterix asterix asterix asterix g kind to yourself just doesn't just doesn't flow off the tongue clearly yeah you you so let's go down to the spa yeah let's uh let's get into our mayor's car and hit the spa let's see what i did there
00:17:14
Speaker
Awwww. Spar music. Spar music. Is that AI Spar music or random? No. I record all that. No, that's me. Really? Is it? Yes. All of the music.
00:17:33
Speaker
Right. You performed. Right. No. See, you didn't tell me that. OK. I thought you just like grabbed them from somewhere, but it's actually your digits. It's your digits like on the. I make it all the. So even though I recorded the intro tune that we sing to,
00:17:55
Speaker
I mean, as you know, it's the Trumpton theme from the British TV show, which might put the credits to the writer in our show notes. But yeah, but all of the music's mind made.
00:18:13
Speaker
Blimey. Okay. Wow. That's why I was saying whenever we go to a new location in ADHDville I have to write a new piece of music for it. There you go. Last week we went to the fire station and I used the police music because I couldn't be asked to write another piece of music just for the fire station so I put it under the umbrella of emergency services.
00:18:42
Speaker
Yeah, they're good bedfellows, you know, firemen and policemen. Yeah. So, okay. So, yeah, being fucking kind, this is actually from your list, Martin. It is. It is. It's from my list of things. It's from your list, because we've got two lists that we kind of like grab from every now and again, which is over a hundred, by the way, the list.
00:19:09
Speaker
I've got here, Martin, I've got to start here with like other thing, but okay, let's say what it's not. Let's say what taking care of yourself isn't, especially if you have ADHD, which is good because that's what a podcast is about. So what it's not, okay, it's not shopping therapy. That's not taking care of yourself. It's not.
00:19:33
Speaker
And I know, cause I'm, I do it. I don't do that thing. And even though a hundred percent conscious have been in before I was diagnosed with ADHD, totally conscious that Paul, what are you fucking doing? You just walked out of a shop with a pair of socks that cost 200 euros, you know, and I'm kidding, but well, I've done, I've done, I've done. So it's not that.
00:20:03
Speaker
It's not about spending money in general, I don't think. For me, this is a personal thing. For me, it's not an app. Oh, controversial one. ADHD apps do not do it for me. It's just not in my real world. It's not in my immediate vicinity.
00:20:24
Speaker
I can't, if I have to find something that is good for me, it might be really good for me, but if I have to do it through now, it doesn't work. So yeah, that's what I think it's not for me personally.
00:20:42
Speaker
And also, oh, yeah, I've got this thing. I don't know if it's in English saying, uh, cruel to be kind. I think that's a bullshit thing has ever been said. Oh, you've got to be cruel to be kind. No, you don't. We can just be kind. Just be kind. Kind to be kind. There you go. It's got to get on with that.
00:21:07
Speaker
Okay, then we go into another thing. In terms of taking care of yourself, the easy stuff first. Sometimes as we've mentioned in previous podcasts, sometimes taking care of yourself means helping people to help you.
00:21:28
Speaker
You know, right I find that all the time. I did that this morning the pharmacy problems getting my prescription for my ritalin and I I tried to come out with I was really angry and frustrated but I tried to come out from it from a you know With a bit more empathy and said look, you know, I have ADHD this stuff drives me crazy and
00:21:54
Speaker
And all of a sudden it just makes it easier. But for me, some of the other easy stuff, for me, it's doing stuff, and this may sound really banal, really oversimplified, but sometimes it's about doing things that are good for you. And it's deliberate. I'll put that, there's a deliberate symbol. I'll tell you why, because I'm really crap at it sometimes.
00:22:18
Speaker
I know first I really know, for example, that if I take my, my, my camera out and go out for like a couple of hours and take photographs has really, really helps me. It really helps. Um, especially if I'm in, in nature or whatever, but not necessarily. Yeah. Um,
00:22:45
Speaker
So yeah, I mean, that's the hardest stuff because I think sometimes taking care of yourself. I've got a bit of a theme here in taking care of yourself based on being discerning. So taking care of yourself could be being discerning about who you choose to share your life with.
00:23:09
Speaker
really taking care. And like, it sounds really obvious, but God, I'm convinced that I've had partners in my past that have done the complete opposite of that. Also friendships, I think it's really good to be careful about
00:23:30
Speaker
who you decide to share your life with. That's a bit of a thing when you get a bit older as well in your 50s, like me and Martin, you know, like every important, I like quality time. I really like spending time with my mates. But I'm just, you know, I'm really careful about who I spend my time with now. So that's a lot of that is about taking care of yourself. You know, you don't have to please everyone.
00:23:59
Speaker
Right. Yeah. And then I've got here, deciding also in terms of, okay, if you want to take care of yourself, therapists, bit of a tricky subject. There's some bad therapists out there. There's also some fantastic therapists. Yeah. That's the thing. Find the one that's right for you.
00:24:24
Speaker
Yep. I wish I'd taken care of I wish I'd taken care of my past more care in choosing a therapist. Yeah, I think finding a good therapist. If you if you feel you need one is really important. I there is some online therapists
00:24:50
Speaker
available. And maybe if you were starting out, you could try the online option first and then because you can swap around therapists, right? If you don't like the one you currently have, you can usually switch to someone else. So then you can find
00:25:10
Speaker
the kind of person that you feel like you can work with. And then perhaps if you did want to do more of a one-to-one face-to-face thing, then you'd have more of an idea about what a good therapist is and what a not so helpful therapist is.
00:25:28
Speaker
Yeah. From an ADHD angle, at least from my ADHD angle, I find good therapy really, really stimulating.
00:25:43
Speaker
You can find the right therapist, get really good dopamine hits from those things. Oh truly, I love digging up stuff. I love it personally. Right. Right. Because they are usually the one person that you can talk to that
00:26:03
Speaker
has no agenda other than getting you to a better place.
00:26:15
Speaker
I, the last therapist, I, I tried and didn't last long, but the first appointment I said to him, look, look, um, you could just give it to me straight. Don't sugar coat it. You know, say now listening to myself, tell that story. It's like,
00:26:38
Speaker
give me the dopamine, give me the dopamine. I don't want this stuff, you know, you know, at least I don't want to talk for like, for two years about my mother, you know? I've done that. I've jumped through those hoops like years ago. Yeah. You are after the thing that you could then squirrel down on and do a deep dive on. Squirrel.
00:27:06
Speaker
I would say how wobbly is your table.
00:27:12
Speaker
Exactly. It is like, you're on a constant earthquake. Right, well in Italy it happens, but yeah, it's my son's table. I'm actually at his homework table, he's clearly been writing too rigorously and it's just the
00:27:35
Speaker
The legs are working loose. Yeah, rather like mine. So yeah, um, discerning for me, that's a biggie.
00:27:47
Speaker
Um, choosing your partner, you know, all right. That can make a difference choosing your partner in the right way, but then we're not fifties, you know, hopefully we've got to that point. Holy crap. Well, you know, we are troubled people, so we may have gone through one or two or more relationships and, and only now just kind of go, Oh, Hey, hang on a second. Oh, that's why. Yeah.
00:28:16
Speaker
You know, truth to what you're saying, because there is a thought that basically says the reason, one of the reasons why you have a relationship is to work out, is to resolve issues that you have from childhood. So your partner becomes your therapist, if you like, and vice versa, and you can work out. Yeah.
00:28:44
Speaker
All kinds of issues, if you have the right partner or if they're the wrong partner, it can, as you were saying earlier, it can just make things worse. There isn't anything worse than having the wrong, being with the wrong person, right?
00:28:58
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, especially if you're recently diagnosed, I've been, I have to admit I've been, God, if I'm, well, this is, we'll come into this subject in a second as well. Compassion. We talk about compassion, not necessarily for just for others, but for ourselves, maybe for the first time in our lives.
00:29:28
Speaker
I've recently diagnosed and I'm really consumed by it at the moment, really consumed, distracted by it, which is quite tricky for my partner right now, I have to admit. Paul, come back, come back, where did he go?
00:29:47
Speaker
Right. I just went down a rabbit hole. Yeah. Yeah. Cause part of it is now that you're aware that you have ADHD, you have to be aware in the moment you have ADHD and the effect that it has on the people.
00:30:03
Speaker
around you, right? So if you kind of go, if there's that little voice, you have to listen to the little voice in your head that kind of goes pull. I think you just ranted for five minutes about some specialist subject of yours that you're really keen and excited by.
00:30:24
Speaker
Yeah. And maybe my partner's life is kind of like, had, had, had enough. Yeah. Maybe you should change subjects. Just like, I just had a really shit day at work. How about let's talk about, I dunno, something, you know, that, that, uh, we can both, um, contribute to. Yeah.
00:30:48
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Yeah. So being kind to yourself is just about bits. Yeah. Also sometimes like sometimes shutting the fuck up, you know, yeah, it's a good start because being kind to yourself can mean being kind to others because then they will be kind to you. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:14
Speaker
because if you're all consumed and just running around like a, like a dildo dog, ADHD Zoom is on everything, then it wears your partner out. And then they're, you know, and then that makes your life more chaotic. And then you feel guilty, right? Then you feel guilty that you did that. Yeah. And then your self-esteem takes a hit. Yeah.
00:31:44
Speaker
So, yeah, there we go. Yeah.
00:31:48
Speaker
practical advice from the most unpractical of people. Exactly. So yeah, I've got here what I said before about self-compassion. I don't know, for me, it was, you know, years and years of just like really bad inner dialogue, just years of it, you know, just always coming from like, I've got it down written down as like, my default was always, what the fuck, Paul? You know, what are you doing? What did you just do?
00:32:18
Speaker
you know, why did you do that again, blah, blah, blah. And he gets opposed like, it's, that's a really hard habit to change that dialogue, you know, to come from a place that's more compassionate in your own mind.
00:32:37
Speaker
Yeah, because we tend to concentrate on the bad things rather than the good things. We naturally obsess about what we've done wrong. And that self, that dialogue that you have with yourself tends to be really skewed.
00:33:03
Speaker
towards the bad things. And not only that. Because it's easier too. It's way easier. We're not built for that. And that's not just ADHD, it's everyone. We're generally built there to take the easy route, which is criticism.
00:33:23
Speaker
Right, because we're almost looking for self-fulfilling prophecy. So you may have heard this term like, you know, if you suffer from ADHD, then, you know, it's like death by 10,000 paper cuts.
00:33:40
Speaker
It's throughout your childhood and your life. It's it's just the small things that you say to yourself and the other people have said to you, I'll pull my mind. You're why you like like this. You should do it, you know, and they. You know, they tell you why you're wrong and you're being bad and why can't you be more like this normal person? And yeah. And you have years of that. Right.
00:34:10
Speaker
And that all just builds up. And so this self-fulfilling prophecy is you're almost looking for things that you do that mean that they're right. That's how we skew ourselves, like, oh, I screwed up a lot. Oh, you know, John was right. My partner was right. There you go, Martin. You get to tick the box again. Are you happy now?
00:34:36
Speaker
Right. So this is the terrible self-fulfilling prophecy that we do to ourselves. And the other issue is that we kind of talked the other way, which was that we're very poor at self-assessment of ourselves. So it's not even like we're very good at knowing that we're doing it.
00:35:04
Speaker
even. Right? Yeah. It's like we kind of do it to ourselves and we can hear ourselves talk, you know, and putting ourselves down. Yeah. And we may not necessarily, and it's hard to interrupt that and go, what are you doing, Martin? You're putting yourself down. You know, let's stop that. Let's stop that.
00:35:27
Speaker
Yeah, it's the monkey. We've got an episode, this is a suggested episode, ADHD monkey. All right. I'll be going to get a podcast monkey for the show. Oh, we should do that. We should so do that show. So do it. Yeah. My monkey was, yeah, it's like converting that monkey was like
00:35:52
Speaker
Oh, you fucking idiot. What are you doing? You're doing that again, blah, blah, blah, turning it into like, okay, coming from a place of compassion, you know, and it comes to mind. You know, people always say it's like, Oh, you got to love yourself before you can love others. I don't know. True. It's absolutely true. Yeah. Totally true. But lovely. Yeah.
00:36:15
Speaker
Right. Totally true. I would say it's a bit more, love is a bit of a, a bit of a too broad of a thing for me. I'll at least start with it with compassion. You know, you have compassion with yourself. How can you have compassion for others? And already for me, that starts to make it more
00:36:37
Speaker
rather than it just sounding really good. Actually, to me, it resonates better for me. It gives it more substance to me anyway. As an example, I always know that I've been really, really sensitive, at times overly sensitive. And then one day, two years before I was diagnosed with ADHD,
00:37:02
Speaker
thought popped into my head. I thought, oh, what if that sensitive part of you Paul is like one of your best friends in reality? And if you nurture that part of you, you know, what if you nurture that part of you rather than putting it down? And it stayed with me, that thought. And I love my sensitivity.
00:37:28
Speaker
I said one of your best friends. I'm way ahead of you, mate. I said one of your best... Not the best friend, but one of your best friends. And it stayed with me that thing. I remember saying that to myself for the first time and yeah.
00:37:57
Speaker
Mate, what? Sorry, I'm slightly off track. Yeah. I remember when I first said that to myself in my head, like, what if your sensitivity reality is one of your best friends?
00:38:12
Speaker
Right. Gotcha. I'm back. This is my example, you're back in a room. And it's, you know, little things like that, little gestures of compassion that you can offer yourselves, you know, give yourself a break. Absolutely. You know, and I will say this to the camera and to the general audience, if you're watching or listening to this, you are not a screw up.
00:38:41
Speaker
you are not a screw up. And that's important to kind of, you know, as you say, to give yourself a break, right? You have ADHD, that means that your brain does not work like a normal person.
00:39:01
Speaker
And usually we're trying to kind of behave like a normal person and to do what normal people do, right? And we find that difficult and we fall short.
00:39:16
Speaker
On in in some areas and we excel in others But that that doesn't mean we're screw up. We are we are just different we are just You know, so we shouldn't be trying to fit in Right. We are not a moral failure This you know what we do isn't a moral failure When you kind of like
00:39:44
Speaker
mantra that to yourself almost, you know, that you have ADHD, it's a neurological condition, it's a physical
00:39:54
Speaker
thing. It isn't a lack of character. So you almost have to remind yourself constantly of who you are and that it's okay. It's okay to have ADHD. It can be a blessing. It can be a curse. It all depends on what you decide to do with it. You know you have it.
00:40:23
Speaker
Yeah. Life is a box of chocolates. Yeah. And you're not, you, you won't just dealt with all the, just the cherry, cherry cream, liqueur ones. There's some nutty ones in there too, just like appreciate them. You just put a horrible taste in my mouth of cherry. How did I know that you didn't like the cherry liqueur cream ones?
00:40:52
Speaker
What do you go for as a chocolate? As a kid, I did. I liked those really sweet. All right. So the cherry one would have been right on my street, but when I started to be a grown up, when I was about 45, I think,
00:41:17
Speaker
And yeah, I gravitated to the more sophisticated chocolate. Right. Double chocolate. Oh.
00:41:34
Speaker
But yeah, um, no, I think in it, Martin, I'm sorry. I'm really crap. When a serious subject comes up, my, it's my go-to thing is I just make a big fucking joke out of everything. And sometimes completely inappropriately, sometimes. Um, yeah. Um, but you do raise a good point, right? Which is what one of, one of the ways that you can, uh, be fucking current to yourself is.
00:42:04
Speaker
is by joking or making a joke about the stupid ADHD thing that you just did. Right. So you have a choice in that moment to kind of to give yourself a hard time or berate yourself or you can just recognize it for an ADHD moment and then just kind of poke fun at yourself or laugh at it. Yeah.
00:42:30
Speaker
And I think that's why, you know, that is part of the reason why, you know, you use humour to... It's my coping mechanism. Right. It's because it takes the sting out of the thing. Yeah. That's the second rhyme I've done in this podcast.
00:42:53
Speaker
There you go. And I do the same thing. And it's actually a good thing because it takes away some of the nastiness from it and
00:43:10
Speaker
and also can communicate to other people that it's okay, you know, that I'm laughing about this thing, you can laugh about it too, and perhaps this doesn't have to be quite so shitty. Yeah, but I've done it, I have done that inappropriately at times.
00:43:29
Speaker
which can be really bad. I did it yesterday in the centre of Turin. Yeah. In the centre of Turin, there's Port of Turin. Set the scene for us, right? You're in Turin, you're in Italy. Well, you brought it up, mate. I'm not going to tell this story. All right. I'll try and keep it.
00:43:52
Speaker
Well, I was outside of this bar with my son and his friend and we were just waiting for another someone else to arrive Mm-hmm. And there was an ambulance to my left. Okay, and above us above the the bar there was like a condom palazzo some apartments apartments, right?
00:44:15
Speaker
And then between me and the ambulance, there was this guy who was just like looking up a window and all of a sudden out of nowhere, I've arrived a pair of slippers.
00:44:26
Speaker
Wait, what? I arrived a pair of slippers from up there. Okay, right. So some slippers, what? They just fell. Oh, so they came out through the window? Yeah, somewhere up above. Through some slippers out, right? Yeah. So then my...
00:44:45
Speaker
in my instinct, it's almost like turrets for me. This funny line came out that I wanted to say to him, right? And I'm so glad that I didn't. Why? Because, well, I wanted to say to him, oh, if you could get them to throw down a size 42 and maybe change the color up for green, that'd be complete. At that very moment, that very moment,
00:45:14
Speaker
his, clearly what was his father, elderly father came out on a trolley to be taken to the ambulance. All right. And then you felt bad. So it was inappropriate, but it didn't actually get to that point, but it was like really close and I did not in my stomach that what if I'd said that and he looked at me like, what you're making jokes about slippers. And I'm waiting for my father who's just had a stroke.
00:45:43
Speaker
Oh dear. Literally, at that point, it all happened in like 30 seconds. This poor guy came out on the trolley with the medical crew. Oh my God. You know what? It is a Torrance thing. It's like, God, Paul, yeah, okay. You want to get out this little fucking one-liner. And sometimes it's filterless. You don't think, oh, is it appropriate?
00:46:12
Speaker
No, ADHD people do say the most appropriately humorous things. I think the reason why you didn't was because there was an ambulance there. And that was probably the thing that just kind of like held you back. Because I reckon if it wasn't there, you would have said that. Yeah. Yeah.
00:46:37
Speaker
Yeah. Also, because Tom was there, my son. And Tom always says to me, because I make jokes to strangers a lot. And every time I do that, and they don't get the joke, and my son says, oh, why? Why? Why? But joking, we laugh about it. Why, Dad? Why do you try and be funny with complete strangers?
00:47:01
Speaker
I know, I know. So when my father died and I was writing the speech that I was going to say at his funeral, people were concerned and wanted to read the speech that I'd written. Okay. Just in case I didn't say anything weirdly inappropriate. Right. Like you did at my wedding, you mean?
00:47:34
Speaker
Well, let's save that for another podcast.
00:47:39
Speaker
Well, I was younger then. Back to the funeral. Yeah, yeah. But it's still funny. So, OK, so they wanted to read your funeral notes. Yeah. Just just just just in case I was going to say something weird. All right. Off color, trying to be funny. Yeah, I mean, I didn't. But your dad would have loved it. I bet I bet your dad would. Oh, come on, Martin. Come on, come on.
00:48:08
Speaker
Everyone's been so solemn. Say something funny and weird. There you go. But in that context, I've, yeah. A friend, my neighbor came around to me, said that his dog died and I laughed. Oh, see, that's not good. No. Cause yeah, I'm not, I'm not even going to try and
00:48:33
Speaker
You know, I might even cut that out because that's like not because it was funny at all. But yeah, I know because it's it's it's right. It's it's the same reason that we people please write, which is a we don't want to deal with the emotion, the negative and horrible
00:48:59
Speaker
emotion that is coming at us. And we would rather say something that deflects off of it. So either it's funny and people find it funny and that works, or it's just a weird statement and everyone thinks it's a weird statement and talks about how weird it is.
00:49:19
Speaker
either is fine because it stops us from dealing with the horrible emotion that comes up in us. My interpretation was that he was looking for me for like an instant response and I didn't have one that came naturally to me at that time because I was young, like you were at my wedding. I was like 15.
00:49:50
Speaker
Right. Yeah, no, you know, it's not an excuse, but it was like, oh, man. Also, it's a little bit like.
00:50:00
Speaker
when you're on the autistic spectrum, it's just like, you don't really know what the social convention is. And you'll just say something. And then as you get older, you kind of learn what you're supposed to say, right? And you go, okay.
00:50:23
Speaker
now I won't you know what to say so that you don't have live with shame for you know it's clear I've lived with this 56 now so what is that 41 years I've lived with that that memory yeah god you know right
00:50:41
Speaker
Well, also because it's helpful to you because it reminds you of, right, you know, I've got, I always have to try and be sensitive or say the right thing in certain situations.
Humor as a Coping Mechanism?
00:50:54
Speaker
Like, you know, like being funny is not always appropriate, right? So it serves as a reminder to yourself that. Yeah.
00:51:07
Speaker
uh yeah i learned as well about yeah i learned that there's also really crap uh kinds of humor you know uh what's it called sarcasm is you know the lowest form of of humor sarcasm is so true i've done that i've learned often funniest yeah form of funniest yeah i've made someone cry
00:51:33
Speaker
Oh, right. Yeah. Once, no twice. Oh God. Yeah. All right. Well, I am just actually, do we have the humor, ADHD and humor on the list? I don't think we do. I'm just talking about Robin Williams for hours in his ADHD and his humor.
00:52:01
Speaker
There we go. Coping mechanisms. It's totally coping. I discovered that, you know, if I could make light of a situation or, you know, add humor to a situation when I was at school, I avoided being bullied.
00:52:21
Speaker
Mm hmm. Yes. That was it. That was where it came from. Yeah, that is such a common, common story. All right. Well, I think I will just wrap it up, I think, by saying that, you know, I say be fucking kind to yourself at the end, because it's important. It's probably one of the most important steps to
00:52:54
Speaker
to dealing with the bad sides of ADHD. And it comes in two chunks. The first chunk is the compassion chunk, being kind to yourself, right? Just realizing you have ADHD, it's a neurological problem. You want a screw up, give yourself a break. And then the second part is,
00:53:10
Speaker
Um, uh,
00:53:22
Speaker
is action is that there's action that you can do to be kind to yourself. So that is, you know, for example, an action is to interrupt that, that negative thought, and just remind yourself of who you are, you know, using a humor,
00:53:41
Speaker
say to kind of laugh at your ADHD actions, you know, get sleep, eat well, get some exercise, you know, like things that you can actually do that will then mean that you screw up slightly less so that, you know, so that
00:54:08
Speaker
That's, that's, that's being kind, kind to yourself and get a dog. Why not get a dog. Yeah.
00:54:20
Speaker
Good, good, good for ADHDs. My dog has taught me tons. My little dog. It's usually behind me when I'm in an usual location. If you're ever wondering what the hell's that thing behind the pool, it's a portrait of my dog. It's a rabbit. We can all see a rabbit. That's a rabbit. That's a rabbit. Yeah. But usually it's a dog. Yeah, he's taught me loads. Oh my God.
00:54:47
Speaker
Yeah. True. Yeah. That, that, that, that could be a whole podcast episode all by itself. ADHD. But it's like, if we could like start with just saving, what if I broke a habit of a lifetime and came at myself with my inner dialogue from a point of compassion? Just start from there. What if, what if it's not a, it's a good start.
00:55:18
Speaker
It is a great start. What if you did that? All right. So where are we going to get out? We are going to get back in our mayor's car and we're going to, we're going to head over to the post office. Yes. Yes. Here we go.
Listener Engagement and Podcast Info
00:55:38
Speaker
It's a good job. It's close by.
00:55:40
Speaker
Yeah. So at this point, just say your feedback is really vital to us. It says here, it really does say that in brackets. We read all of your comments and we may well read your comments out in our future podcasts. For example, we've had... We've got some comments, Martin.
00:56:05
Speaker
Oh, that's fantastic. Tell me about both from tick tock. Well, I think we just do one. Ticky tock. And then we're going to share the next one. Yeah, right. We could spread them out.
00:56:17
Speaker
We got a from a Tiki talk from a, from a chap, dad brain doc. Thanks dad brain doc. Um, he says, love your podcast and thanks for sharing your stories. And, uh, well, thanks for giving me your feedback. It means it doesn't mean a lot. It just puts a different shine on what we're doing. It's great. It's really appreciated.
00:56:41
Speaker
Yeah, so yeah, give us your feedback, whatever it is. We're really interested if there's stuff that you want us to talk about or hear about or whatever, or stop talking about.
00:56:56
Speaker
It's all good. Well, no, it's not all good. Anything other than indifference is fine. It's me anyway. God. Paul Martin, you know, I'm a bit indifferent about your last podcast. Oh God.
00:57:14
Speaker
Well, they can't be that indifferent if they bother to type something. Yeah, that's true. All right. So we're now going to jump back in the mess car and go back to the town hall for the last meeting of the day. Yeah. There we go. It's good to know those electric vehicles have now built into them, you know, those old combustion engine sounds.
00:57:44
Speaker
Mm hmm. Or is it just a combustion engine? Right. Okay. No, I think we've got the budget for a Tesla yet. No, I'm not sure that I want one either. All right. So first on the agenda is to remind you that ADHD is delivered fresh every Tuesday to all pairs of fine podcasts.
00:58:10
Speaker
Please subscribe to the pod and rate us most magnificent. Yes. And feel free to correspond at will in our comments section. Not even mostly magnificent. That puts a totally different thing at most magnificent. Yeah, just most magnificent would do. But wait, there's more. If you wish to see our beautiful, beautiful faces, then Sally forth to the YouTubers.
00:58:40
Speaker
And if you feel so inclined, please pick up a quill and you can email us at adhdvil at gmail.com. Yeah, today or even in the morrow. I love Old English in the morrow.
00:58:53
Speaker
in the morrow. Right. We are on the talkies as well. And the Facebook is, oh, uh, face, Facebook, which, which, uh, we, we now redubbed the cupboard of friends. Yeah. The cure did a video of all of them in a cupboard.
00:59:18
Speaker
Okay. Do you remember that? Yeah. No, no cure. They good, good, good band back. I've seen them live. And they were very happy now. I've not. Oh, I have as well. I have seen them from a distance. The Glastonbury. No, if only, if only no highly confessed civilian Milan about 18 years ago. Oh, wow. Very nice. Kicking with new order.
00:59:46
Speaker
All right. Cool. All right. Well, we're, we're coming up to the hour mark. So I think we should skip the budget. Um, any, we don't have one. Right. Right. We'll just keep spending any news on homework. I've say I've got none. No, I've made no advancement whatsoever. Me neither.
01:00:11
Speaker
I thought about it on Monday, but I'd like, I had so much to do. Yeah. Um, almost proudly have no feedback. All right. No, nothing at all. Yeah. Well, just to remind ourselves.
01:00:27
Speaker
Moving on. All right, so let me just hit this button so we get to dance our way out of the podcast. Thanks for being here. Check out our show notes for any random links that we may put in there.
01:00:49
Speaker
Visit us on the YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tokis and a couple of friends. But in the meantime, be fucking kind to yourself. Yeah, especially today. Ciao. Ciao ciao. There, says the mayor. That's that.