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Forcing Kids To Do Hard Things: Raising Resilient Kids Who Can Tolerate Frustration
10.3k Plays8 months ago
In this raw, unfiltered episode, Jess and Scott dive into the complex topic of pushing kids to do hard things. They explore the fine line between encouraging children to reach their potential vs. pushing them past their limits. Jess vulnerably shares how her own painful childhood experiences make it challenging for her to watch her daughter being pushed.
Together, they unpack the key ingredients kids need to build true resilience. This honest, nuanced conversation will make you reflect deeply on how your own past shapes your parenting and what really matters when helping kids tolerate frustration. If you’ve ever struggled to find the right balance with your child, this episode is for you.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Show
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Robot Unicorn. We are so glad that you are here.
When to Push Children: The Debate
00:00:09
Speaker
As always, let's start the show with a question from Scott.
00:00:18
Speaker
All right, Jesse, excited? It's just the two of us today. I know. Can you handle it? I can handle it. We have some stuff to unpack. I'm kind of excited to have this conversation because I think we've been wanting to talk about this for a little bit, but we keep saying, let's save it. We'll do a podcast on it. Let's hold off. So there's actually a lot for us to kind of unpack today on the topic of helping our children do hard things or pushing them to do hard things. I thought I was supposed to ask a question.
00:00:44
Speaker
Oh yeah, okay. You're changing the format all of a sudden. What's going on here? Okay, ask your question. Ask your question. Okay.
Karate and Persistence: Scott's Story
00:00:50
Speaker
When is it acceptable and to what degree can you push your children to do things that are hard or that they don't really want to do? Because oftentimes I feel like with school, sports, art, whatever, they will refuse to do something they can't do or they don't think that they can do well. An example of that is our oldest daughter has started karate.
00:01:13
Speaker
and it was kind of a struggle for her at the beginning to like really get into it and understand how things worked and historic like in the past I have actually taken karate so it was like muscle memory to me all of a sudden everything was being brought back and I was trying to teach her and some of the things like she was getting quite frustrated because she just couldn't do certain moves and I just pushed her and pushed her and said no
00:01:34
Speaker
That's not the right thing. Try it again. Okay, that didn't work. Try it again. And honestly, for the one move, we probably did that 30 times and she was very frustrated. So I guess my question for you is, to what degree is this acceptable? Did I do the right thing? Did I not do the right thing?
00:01:49
Speaker
This is such a good discussion because when I was watching you, I was watching Scott push our daughter and I felt so triggered myself from watching you push her because I could see her trying so hard to do the right move. And she was just really struggling. And I felt like when you were trying to push her to like, do it again, do it again, do it again. I could see that she was actually like in her fight or flight response. Like I felt like she wasn't fully present anymore.
00:02:18
Speaker
Like she was just trying to do it because she didn't want you to be frustrated with her and but she did end up doing it and then she ended up being super proud of herself after. Like I will say she has progressed in like the month and a half since she started very quickly but I don't think she would have progressed as quickly if it wasn't for me pushing her to try it again when it wasn't quite right.
00:02:40
Speaker
Yeah. And I think a lot of parents, I mean, specifically in my group of friends, like the dads are typically the ones that are more often pushing their kids to just try it again. That wasn't the right way. We have to try and figure this out. You have to get the foundations right. And like really pushing their kids to keep trying, even when it is very frustrating for them.
00:03:03
Speaker
Yeah, I struggle. And this is, this is an open conversation between Scott and I. Like we actually haven't figured out where we both kind of stand and on this topic. Cause I actually was thinking about this summer.
Swimming Lessons and Connection: Jess's Approach
00:03:15
Speaker
So this last summer, our oldest daughter also was in swimming lessons and she really didn't want to go.
00:03:20
Speaker
She kept saying for months leading up to swimming lessons, like, I'm afraid. What if I drown? Like, what if I can't swim? I don't know if I'm going to want to get in the water. And that was really hard for her. And I felt like my approach, because I was the one kind of dealing with the swimming lesson day, was validating those feelings, drawing out how she felt about it, really processing her fears. And then when the day the swimming lesson came, like telling her stories of like,
00:03:47
Speaker
So this is a little different because it's more of a worry, but like telling her the stories of the time she's done something that's made her worried before and how she was able to do it. And then when we got there, I was like, okay, we're going to try it and it's going to be tricky, but I just want you to try just putting your body in the pool. So still, I was still pushing her to do something hard, but I felt like my approach was like oozing with connection the whole time. Please don't use that word again.
00:04:11
Speaker
It was though. I feel like my approach was so like nurtured. And so by the time she finally stepped foot in the pool and was floating there with the lifeguard, she was so proud of herself for working up that courage. And then she did the entire week of swimming lessons, loved it. And at the end of the summer, she told me that was her favorite week of the entire summer was doing swimming lessons. So I believe that there is a way to push them.
00:04:33
Speaker
and encourage your kids to do something that's really tricky for them and make them proud of themselves without making it about pleasing you and making it more about... Do you think that is what she has been doing with Karate? She's trying to please me?
00:04:48
Speaker
I feel like there are times when you are pushing her like do it again, do it again, do it again, where she's looking at you and I can see tears in her eyes a little bit and like I don't want dad to be upset with me for stopping or not going anymore. I feel like there are times that that happens and I don't think you're trying to make that happen because I know you are trying to do it with such like you know she's capable.
00:05:12
Speaker
Yeah, that's the biggest thing for me is I can see that she is capable and I mean, honestly, last Thursday when I was pushing her over the course of that one evening that we spent working on it together. And then like when you came back from your trip, honestly, she was doing everything amazingly and she was so proud of herself. Yeah.
00:05:31
Speaker
I didn't feel like she was looking to me to like validate and say like, wow, you did a really good job. She was more just proud of herself. And even in the class that she had this past week, she told her teacher, I want to do it myself. I want to show you. So, I mean, I guess all of this is kind of anecdotal. Like I see that it's not necessarily her trying to please me, but maybe in the moment she is, I don't know.
00:05:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's what I don't know either. And I just wonder what the balance is between trying to push them to do something hard because we know that they're capable of doing hard things.
Childhood Experiences and Their Influence
00:06:02
Speaker
I actually think it's really important. And I feel like if we don't, then they won't actually know what they're truly capable of. Right.
00:06:08
Speaker
They say, I do think it's important to push them. But I wonder, do you know where that limit is for you when you're pushing her and she is shutting down? And I only saw that one time. So it's possible that the other times you were doing it, it wasn't the same. But the one time I saw, I could just see that she seemed kind of frantic, just because her movements were clumsy. I could see she was a little bit teary. She even told you after she was mad at you.
00:06:30
Speaker
This is not a bash Scott. I know you're open to me kind of sharing this because this is parenting, right? Parenting is sometimes having these rough conversations where you're trying to figure out where the balance is. Yeah. In no way am I claiming that I do things perfectly. Like maybe I did it all wrong and that's fine. I can change for the next time.
00:06:48
Speaker
Yeah, well, it honestly just made me think of that's one approach and ended up working that she she did figure out the moves. But I wonder how we could like partner our two approaches together because my approach sometimes might be too soft. Yeah. Whereas it takes. I would say that for you, you would probably end up being too far in the other direction where you kind of let her stop.
00:07:07
Speaker
because she's starting to get frustrated and not let her tolerate that frustration that she has because she's not doing it well. And she never actually sees the potential, like the possibility for what she can accomplish. And maybe I go too far in the other direction and I'm pushing her to that level of frustration so that she's frustrated more often. Again, this is all like, for me, it's all anecdotal. Like I see from her, I pushed her really hard. She was really frustrated a couple of times.
00:07:34
Speaker
Not every time, but a couple of times. And then now she's like desperate to go back to her classes. She's like asking, when is the next time I get to go to class? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Monday yet? Like I want to go to Karate. She seems to be loving it, not because she's trying to appeal to or appease me and wants me to be happy with her, but because she genuinely seems to enjoy it. And this is where I think you actually are doing a really good job with her with Karate is you are naming the process for her.
00:08:02
Speaker
So I think after you've pushed her a little bit and she does figure it out, you're not just saying, yay, now you're good because you got the move. You're actually saying, wow, that was a really tricky process. Like, wow, like you had to try again and again and again. And the more you tried, the better you got. And now you're doing the move. You were the one who kept putting in the effort to do that. So I feel like she's actually really proud of the progress that she's made because you're able to tell her that story of the process.
00:08:29
Speaker
versus only focusing on the outcome with her, which is you did your kata really well. So I think that that's an important piece that is actually similar to what I did with swimming lessons to what you did with karate. The difference is just the way that we approach it within our different personalities, right? My personality is more like, let's color about it, let's draw about it, let's cuddle and talk about it, and then let's try something hard.
00:08:53
Speaker
Honestly, I feel like oftentimes I'm much more of the stereotypical dad in a situation where I'm just trying to push. When we're trying to learn something new, I'm not so cuddly about it. Yeah. But I'm trying to, yeah, like you said, explain the process at least and why that's important. Because I do often feel like, in my own opinion, sometimes we're limiting a child's potential by not allowing them to experience frustration.
00:09:16
Speaker
I would agree with that. Or we're limiting a child's potential if we don't give them the opportunity to try something that might be tricky for them. Like our oldest was talking about a painting that our middle daughter was given for her birthday. And she said, I don't think I could ever
00:09:33
Speaker
paint like that. I said, well, it's not like you go from what you're doing now to painting like this beautiful painting like that. It takes a lot of practice. You have to spend time learning how to do it. I explained it. It's kind of like how with karate, you didn't really know how to do the stances. You didn't know how to do the punches and you're slowly learning and becoming better at those things. And then eventually you can do more complex things. You can actually use it to protect yourself if required. You can do a very complicated kata. It's the same thing with painting.
00:10:03
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that's beautiful you're telling her the story of building resilience and doing something hard. That's what our kids really need to hear from us I think to help them want to try to continue to do the hard things. We talked a lot about my experiences and how I feel like watching you push her triggers a wound in me and I think it's good we're having this conversation but there's a piece of me I think that
00:10:28
Speaker
hurts. I don't know how to explain it when I see you pushing her and actually she does really, really well. And I think it's actually this story that I've told myself most of my life that you're not actually capable of doing most of these things. And I don't think that that came from my parents, but for example, when I was in grade school, we had not too many kids in our class. So there was a few different teams that you could try out for, but it's not like there was a ton of people trying out for the team.
00:10:57
Speaker
So I tried out for the volleyball team and I actually enjoyed it. Like it was fun to do volleyball, but I just not very good. So I did volleyball. I enjoyed it. I was actually really excited about making the team. And then the list came out and I remember skating my name for the list, seeing the name of every single other girl in my class, except for me. And every girl in my class that tried out for it made the team except for me. I was the only one who didn't make it.
00:11:22
Speaker
And the story started in my own head of like the opposite of what we're trying to give to the kids, right? Which is you are not capable of doing these hard things for you. You'll never be good at sports. If you're the only kid, like you can't even be on the bench, then yeah, like you're just not good at it. And I never tried out for a sports team again, like even now.
Overcoming Childhood Disappointments
00:11:42
Speaker
I can't believe that happens. It's so awful. Like a, like don't cut one kid from the team, right? Cause then you're also, I also would just like walk around by myself outside at recess cause all my friends would be inside practicing volleyball. So then I was also very lonely.
00:11:57
Speaker
And then the same thing happened. There was like a singing team at my school and every other girl in my class tried out for it. It was like multiple practices at recess. I remember clearly my teacher reading off the names of the girls in the class, like this person, this person, this person. And I'm sitting there like waiting to hear my name because I was like, if I'm not good at sports, I'll at least be good at singing. And my name was never read.
00:12:20
Speaker
And I actually remember raising my hand and saying to the teacher, hi, Mrs. So-and-so, you forgot to read my name. Everybody else's name was on that list. And she looked at me and said, no, I didn't forget your name. You're not on the list. You didn't make the team.
00:12:35
Speaker
That's so cold. It was so cold. And I remember I then I asked if I could go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. I was in grade seven or eight at the time, balled my eyes out and told myself, OK, you also can't sing. And I never sang again. And those were wounds that stayed with me for a really long time. You know.
00:12:53
Speaker
Well, I feel like even to this day, to this day, it's still raw. It's still raw. I never did sports again, like to have to walk around being the only girl in the class that's not on this team. Like I remember just walking around being so ashamed and I never sang again. And I still believe I'm a terrible singer and I probably am, but I never had the chance to try and strengthen that muscle. And then there was another thing that happened too, which was just ridiculous, but I don't know if we want to get into that now. Um,
00:13:22
Speaker
I don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how then I thought to myself, I can't sing, I can't do sports, but at least I'm a kind person. And then, you know, the story. But long story short, I thought at least I would be the nicest person in the class. And then when it came... And there was actually an award for the grade eight class for the primary school. Yeah, there was an award... For the kindest person.
00:13:48
Speaker
Yes, so then, of course, in this school, small school, there's an award for whoever is the kindest person in the grade eight class at the graduation gets this award. And I was like, okay, I know. I also wasn't good at school, so I also really struggled in school. So I'm telling myself the message, you're not smart, you're not good at sports, you're not good at singing, but at least you're nice.
00:14:08
Speaker
And then the teachers at this grade eight graduation decided to give the one award that maybe I could have got like the nicest person in the class or something to a person that wasn't even in grade eight. They called like a grade seven student up on stage to say, oh, we wanted to surprise this grade seven student and give them this award.
00:14:25
Speaker
like just messed up. So then I tell myself, well, I guess you're also not even nice enough to get this award. So going into high school and going into teenager, I remember crying. And honestly, these messages didn't come from my parents. It came from the school. I remember bawling to my parents being like, I have no talents.
00:14:42
Speaker
I'm not good at anything. And I believe that about myself for a very long time. Like that impacted me super deep. So I feel like I see our kids and I want to push them, but I also struggle to know how to push them the right amount. Right. So what about me pushing them? What is it that I'm doing that's triggering those feelings for you?
00:15:04
Speaker
I feel like it's actually not even what you're doing. It's her face when she's being pushed. So I see myself. And another thing to just know is that our oldest daughter and I have the same personality.
00:15:16
Speaker
That's very similar. And you know, you don't want to say you're the same as your kid, but like of any of our children, her and I have the most similar personality. And so I feel like when you're pushing her, I see this same fear in her eyes of like, what if I'm not good enough that I felt when I was a kid, but I didn't have the pushing. I just only had the fear.
00:15:36
Speaker
And when I see her eyes look up at you and she's feeling like I can't get it, I can't get it right, it triggers that feeling in me of being a small child, being like, I can't get this right. But then the message I end up giving myself is, well, you have no talents. You're not very good at anything. You just basically suck at everything.
00:15:55
Speaker
Right. So it's through the bias of your own childhood experiences that you are. Yeah. And this is the work. This is the work. Like we talked about doing the work and this is it, right? I view her through the lens of my childhood experiences. And when I see her tear up when you're pushing her and that she can't quite get it right, I just think to myself, oh my goodness, what if she believes that she can't do it? Right. And she becomes me and doesn't ever want to try something new again.
00:16:19
Speaker
Yeah, okay. I think the way that I'm handling it is maybe not totally right, but it's not the worst. If that makes sense. Not the worst. I'm just thinking about how I talked to her about it and my own mindset on things.
Empowering Children for Survival
00:16:34
Speaker
Like, essentially, I believe that our kids and myself and you can essentially learn to do whatever we want to do.
00:16:44
Speaker
And I feel like that's how I've always been with most things in life. Like I tried to leave home as early as possible. I paid my way through university on my own by taking three jobs in high school, starting young. And I feel like my mindset has always been I can essentially learn to do whatever I want to do or essentially I can learn whatever I need to survive. Yeah. In order to survive. Your survival instinct has made you very good at learning because you needed to get out.
00:17:12
Speaker
Yeah, and now I'm trying to instill, let's say the positive aspects of that. So I'm not trying to teach them to do this because that's how they have to survive in life. But I think it was a valuable lesson that I essentially learned a lot of things kind of on my own.
00:17:29
Speaker
in order to leave home right after high school. So I think that's what I'm trying to instill in our girls is that they actually have the capabilities to do whatever they want to do and that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be easy and that's why I don't know how much frustration should be allowed but I do think it is important that they do experience some frustration because nothing will come easy
00:17:53
Speaker
Maybe some things will. Maybe they're just inherently good at certain things. Like our oldest daughter, she's just inherently good at reading. And that's very easy for her to do. But I think there are other things that it takes a little bit more practice. But you can see, like, even though she is your daughter, and we've always kind of thought, huh, maybe she will be the same as you for, with respect to sports.
00:18:15
Speaker
Honestly, over the course of five days last week, I saw the potential. I don't know, I feel as though we were kind of biased based on your childhood experiences to think she wouldn't be as good at them. But I'm seeing like even with baseball, I spend 10 minutes with her breaking it down and all of a sudden she's able to hit the ball. And then she practiced and she was so proud of herself that over the weekend she kept asking, can we play baseball?
00:18:43
Speaker
And all she wanted to do was hit the ball because she figured out how to do it. I feel like what we're learning even about me is that the roots of potential, I feel like we're maybe there. But without that bright person, and this is nothing against my parents, what I was blessed with was an incredibly loving and safe childhood.
00:19:05
Speaker
I had that. And that's the most important thing that I could have ever had. But what they maybe had for themselves, and I think if you talk to them, they probably say that they've had the same story that was passed down to them. Then they just pass that story down to me. You know, in our family, we're just not good at sports. We don't know if sports, we're not good at it. So this is not something that's a value for us.
00:19:25
Speaker
So I just took that on as my story and then when I tried and I didn't succeed like I believed this for myself that my worth was based on like the fact that I couldn't do it. So then if I can't do it there was no praising the process or like you know good for you for even trying out or you know you didn't make it this time but let's practice practice so you make it next time that kind of thing. So then it was just like well it's just done because I can't do it and the story's already there that I can't do it I will just never try again.
00:19:50
Speaker
I think it was a protective factor for me too. Like I don't want to ever feel like that little girl walking around, only little girl in the playground from her class. I never want to feel that way again. So I'll never put myself in a situation where I'm going to feel like I failed like that again, which makes sense, right? Then I see our own daughter and I have that lens on and like, oh, I just never want her to feel like a failure.
00:20:11
Speaker
But what I need to see, and if I remove that lens, I can see it as a bigger picture of like, she won't feel that way because we're noticing the process. We're helping her learn a new skill. And I think to what you said, you are pushing her, but you're still beside her as that loving caregiver through every step of the way. So you're not pushing her and say, practice this 30 times on your own. And when you're done, come back to me and tell me how it went.
00:20:34
Speaker
you're right there practicing with her. So she's practicing and she's building resilience and she's building these skills in relationship with the safe and loving caregiver. Like that's actually really beautiful now that I can think about it, not just through my own wound. This is the process that you have to go through sometimes to get to that other side, right? It's really like reflecting on, well, why was I so triggered by this?
00:20:55
Speaker
But it is beautiful actually that you are beside her the whole time, encouraging her and letting her know she's capable. I didn't really mean for this whole episode to be about my experiences, but this is actually really interesting and I feel like I'm opening up. It's something that we talked about briefly, but like how I saw maybe there was that potential in you. Yeah. And like even for school, going to university, you didn't really think you were capable.
00:21:21
Speaker
And then it was me and your friend, Rebecca, that really pushed you like, no, you're very talented in these things. I mean, look what you have now so many years later gotten to the point of, right? There's that potential that you didn't really feel or see in yourself.
00:21:37
Speaker
Someone saw in me, you and my friend, Rebecca. People don't really know that about me, but before I went to university to become a therapist and be trained in child and family therapy, I didn't think that that was a path for me. I wanted it. I loved it. I loved the study of people always.
00:21:55
Speaker
But I didn't think I was capable, so I remember being like, to you and my friend, we're all friends at the time, being like, no, there's no point. There's no point. And looking back, that was my defenses being up. Because if I apply for university and I get rejected, that would make me feel like that little girl walking around on the playground by myself, which is the worst possible feeling and I refuse to feel that way ever again.
00:22:15
Speaker
So I think that's why I didn't want to apply for university to begin with because I knew if I got rejected from university, I would feel that way and I didn't want to feel that way. And I think that's so many of us working through life just with our defenses up and hindering our own potential because we don't want to be hurt. But thankfully for me, you and Rebecca pushed me and you said, no, we actually think you can do it Jess. And you kind of forced me to apply and thank goodness you did because that was the best thing I could have ever done. And now I get to teach what I love every single day.
00:22:45
Speaker
And I will say you are very good at it. Thank you. Thank you. And even that's hard for me to still receive.
00:22:52
Speaker
Yeah, I can tell you're very awkward when I say that to you. Whenever anyone compliments me, even now, I still, I can't really receive a compliment about my intelligence. That's something I still have to work on. And I guess that just shows like those messages, whether or not they're from your caregivers or not, but from important people in your life at a young age, like they do stick with us. And that is something that I've had to really work on. You know, I'm on this journey right now trying to learn how to trust myself and listen to myself. And it's an ever evolving process. We all have to do it.
00:23:20
Speaker
So I guess to wrap this up, to answer the question, should we push our kids? Where do you think we've got on this conversation? Well, I have always thought that we should. I just, I question if I ever push our girls too far into that level of frustration. I think maybe just past the point, like for me, maybe I push sometimes a little bit too far because I can see their capabilities, but
00:23:44
Speaker
Okay.
Principles of Parenting: Relationship and Encouragement
00:23:45
Speaker
I want to do something very engineering with you for sure. Okay. Okay. Maybe this is the wrong use of the term. Let's break it down to first principles. I love that you're using this. Yeah. Okay. I'm taking off my mom triggered lens and I'm going to put on my therapist hat. Okay. So two different hats. Let's break it down to first principles. What's the most important thing our children always need from us? Can you answer this? Of course I can. Okay. Answer it. Relationship.
00:24:11
Speaker
to feel safe in relationship with us. It's the most important thing our children need. Right, yeah, that's what I meant. Right, so I guess the question for you to ask yourself as you're pushing her is, does she feel safe in relationship with me as I'm pushing her? Because I feel like it can teeter on to, you're pushing her so hard she's almost tearing up. So maybe there's a way that you keep pushing her, try it again, try it again.
00:24:36
Speaker
but you're also reminding her of why, like at the same time. Like instead of just like, do it again, do it again, do it again, you're saying, okay, I'm going to get you to do it again because I know you're capable of doing this and I'm here beside you. We're going to try and do this together. Like maybe it's just a simple shift in your language just to let her know this is actually about a partnership and you helping her and showing her that she's capable rather than trying to please you. That way you can just kind of have that off the table. So if we break it down again, the first thing is to be in solid relationship with you.
00:25:06
Speaker
what's another important thing that a child needs. This is actually now a quiz for Scott. I just want to see, you know, he says I appreciate this. You said I've taught you things. So now I'm like waiting to see what you've learned. I don't know. Now I'm on the hot seat. Do you want me to answer for you? No, I'm not pushing you then. No, I need to push you. I know you do. I'm okay to be pushed. I frustrate myself constantly. Oh, I know. Maybe explain the process or why the process is important.
00:25:35
Speaker
Well, yeah, so I think that's a really important one. What I was going to say is like modeling, like they're going to learn through what they see you do, right? So if she's able to see you, A, tolerate frustration in healthy ways. So like actually showing her or telling her a time, maybe a story of when you have had to do something that was hard for you and tricky, but you kept going and
00:25:57
Speaker
And you actually came to the other side, like telling her your own story of success and modeling to her how you've tolerated frustration, I think could be really helpful. And so we're talking a lot about Karate, but this goes to like any skill that our child is learning, reading, writing, swimming. This is just the example that we have right now, right? How are you modeling to her?
00:26:19
Speaker
the way that you can cope with frustration and keep going. So I think it would actually be really beautiful for you to tell her a story of a time. Hey, you know what? When I was a kid, I actually really struggled doing these cottas too. This was actually really hard for me and I kept trying to do it and eventually I learned how and it felt so good. Like, I don't know, does that sit for you or does that not feel like an authentic thing that you could do?
00:26:43
Speaker
Well, I kind of sound like an asshole when I say this, but karate was kind of easy for me. It was more remembering the moves than how to do them well. And I don't really remember when I really started because I was pretty young, so I don't truly, I can't say that I truly remember that part of it.
00:26:59
Speaker
Okay, but I want you to think banker picture. This is not about karate. This is about teaching your child to keep trying even when something is hard. So this isn't just about karate. The lesson you're teaching her right now has to do with trying something even though it was hard.
00:27:14
Speaker
So you don't have to think of a story right now, but that is something that I want the listener to consider is telling your child your own story of resilience, I think can really help your child know that they're not alone and actually that if they keep trying, like there is hope on the other end.
Trust and Unconditional Love in Parenting
00:27:30
Speaker
Another really important thing I'll stop quizzing you now is trust. Thank you. I appreciate that.
00:27:35
Speaker
Trust. This is one of our four pillars on nurtured first is trust. I trust that you are capable of doing this. And also for you trusting her timeline. Every child's timeline, how quick they're going to learn something is different. Some kids might take a little bit longer and need more practice, right? Like I even think about a shy child who you just need to step back and give them time to practice being comfortable and it will take them some time. Other children, they learn very quickly. They pick things up very fast.
00:28:03
Speaker
But I want her to know that you trust she's capable and giving her that message that I trust that you're going to learn this and you're going to learn it in your own time. But I'm right here with you every step of the way. So I think that's a really important piece. And I wonder even for myself, like how beautiful would it have been if someone said, just like I trust that you are capable of learning this and I'm going to help you learn it so that you don't feel like you're alone. I think that would have changed my life. Like I feel like that would have been really beautiful.
00:28:29
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. And the final thing is unconditional love. Like does she know that you love her no matter what? Like if she tried it 30 times, she still can't get it. I want the message at the end of that to be, and I still love you. Your abilities never change my love. Yeah. I think that's, I think that makes sense. That's key. So this was a messy conversation. There was a lot that happened here. I feel like we jumped back and forth on a lot of different things.
00:28:55
Speaker
My real hope that for the folks listening to this conversation is that you see the messiness in these very real discussions that parents have. Like just because I'm an x-ray child development doesn't mean that I have it all figured out. It doesn't mean that I'm not triggered by these things that happen. Yeah, there's a lot of nuance in life. And I feel like on social media or I mean, it's really easy to market. There's one quick fix, but that's not real life. My favorite saying is the most black and white saying.
00:29:22
Speaker
but it's nothing is ever black and white. And I feel like that's the reality even for our lives too. Like nothing is ever truly one clear, definitive answer for how to resolve a situation.
00:29:35
Speaker
In every situation, the lens that you're viewing it is based off your own experiences. I can easily give tips and tools for parents that come into my office that struggle with the same thing. But when I'm viewing it of my own daughter, of course I'm going to have my own wounds that come up. And that's the important work is to be able to say, oh, maybe this isn't about what Scott is doing with our daughter. Maybe this has something to do with myself. But after having this whole discussion, actually, I think you're doing pretty good.
00:30:02
Speaker
You're doing better than I was giving you credit for. Oh, finally. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed our messy conversation, and we'll talk again soon. Yeah, thanks for joining us.
00:30:18
Speaker
Hey friends, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. We are glad that you are here. If you enjoyed today's episode and found it interesting, we'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a rating and a review. Scott and I actually sit down together and read them all. A five star rating helps us share our podcast and get these important messages out there. Thank you so much for listening and we can't wait to talk to you again next time.