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EP 69: Kinky Crimes
32 Plays3 years ago
We have a special episode for you this week. Kelsey stays true to her hardcore true crime roots by sharing the bizarre and consensual?? death and cannibalization of a man who found a willing victim online. Is this a case of two men who found and fulfilled each other's ultimate fantasies, or a case of a man experiencing a mental health crisis being taken advantage of by a killer? We will let you be the judge. Thankfully, Alanna brings some humor back to the episode with some very funny sex toy thefts and laws. Just how many sex toys is too many in Texas, listen to find out.
Tags: Kinky Crimes, The Master Butcher, Cannibalism, Armin Weiwes, Bernd Brandes, Sex Toy crimes, Weird Sex Laws
linktr.ee/castlesandcryptids Website: castlesandcryptidspod.squarespace.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Castles and Cryptids
00:00:00
Speaker
Ooh.
00:00:22
Speaker
You are listening to Castles and Cryptics, where the castles are haunted. And cryptics? Cryptics? Nope. Cryptics are cryptid as fuck. These words are hard. I should have eaten some right now.
00:00:46
Speaker
You are listening to Castles and Cryptids where the castles are haunted and the cryptids are cryptic as fuck. Take two.
Hosts' Personal Insights
00:00:55
Speaker
I'm Elena. I'm Kelsey. And I am not good at talking. I don't know how many days I used to work with the public that I'd say like once or twice a day, I can't talk today.
00:01:09
Speaker
I felt like my co-workers must get sick of hearing me say it. I feel like because a lot of times I'm on the floor and I don't have, when I'm not on cash, you don't have to talk to people so much on the floor that... Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot better when I, especially because our store is just so dry. I am just chugging water and... Oh god damn, and then when you're talking to people, oh yeah, I'd be like,
00:01:40
Speaker
They start to talk and tell me what they need. I grab my water bottle because I have been helping out with the public on the travel counter again because they've been so desperate for people that I loaned myself out for a couple days a week because they wanted us.
00:01:57
Speaker
they're like telling me what they need like movie tickets or whatever I'm like okay when I'm on the floor I don't have my water bottle with me I keep it in our fitting room so when I'm on the floor and they call me to cash I just head right to cash and then it could be a cash for like half an hour and then by the time I do that I'm like I'm so thirsty like damn because I don't have my water bottle with me oh yeah all the talking yeah it's like podcasting yeah
00:02:27
Speaker
I am drinking another grower cider to get through my segment because I did not think I could do without a drink in my hand. Oh my god. That's the second time you've said something about your segment being rough. Off air there was one. Also yeah, I thought I heard you crack something earlier. Nice crack.
00:02:53
Speaker
I love it. I love it when you drink. Enabler over here. No. I saw socks at the dollar store the other day and it said nice pop but it was in reference to popcorn because it had little bags of popcorn on it and I was like damn. It was like nice pop. Nice pop. I was like oh that's cute.
00:03:16
Speaker
wine and crime reference for anyone that doesn't. Ressa did say she laughed one time when on the on the pod here I said something like I speak in podcast now.
00:03:32
Speaker
It's terrible. That's just me. I know I'll annoy everyone. Last time when I was editing the last episode, I was like, I mentioned D&D like three times because I always just talk about whatever the like reference whatever I've been doing lately. Yeah, I don't know. And you guys know I read Outlander because I never shut up about that.
00:03:58
Speaker
but I am reading a different fantasy book that I got from this there's like a book nook which is you know one of those free lending libraries in the big office at the yes there is office I'm hanging out with yeah yeah I was like oh free books yeah when I was there there was some all I remember is seeing the Twilight books there that's like all I remember well did you work at that office too for a time
00:04:28
Speaker
I was helping out there in insurance for, I think it was one Saturday a month and then sometimes a shift or two during the week. Okay. I did it over a summer. It's a far drive too. Yeah. Yeah, it's like 25 minutes from my place. Oh, that's not too bad. It usually takes me 35.
00:04:55
Speaker
Well, you're like 25, you're like 20 minutes from my house.
00:04:59
Speaker
You know, every time I seem to get a job at a different office at this company I end up not working at the closest office or the closest branch. Like we bought a house in the northwest when I was working at the west office and then it's like pandemic like within a year or two and then I like moved to one that's completely on the south side. Yeah. What can you do?
Cultural Discussions and True Crime
00:05:28
Speaker
Well, welcome to episode 69. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. We're almost at 70. Yeah, next week. Thank you for all that have listened, all our 69 listeners. No, we have a lot more listeners than that.
00:05:51
Speaker
I know. I was just telling you that our biggest episode is just chugging along. Just chugging right along. Yeah. Still being our best performer. Who knows? You can't predict these things. Well, actually Pat said that the Japanese true crime one might have been be popular with people in Japan because he said they don't talk a lot about their true crime necessarily. Maybe it's not like on the news all the time like it is here.
00:06:17
Speaker
just being sensationalized yeah that's fair i mean they do have like from what i remember some pretty harsh
00:06:28
Speaker
kind of thing same with like China and stuff right like very conservative yeah and like penalties are quite harsh so they probably don't glorify it i'm gonna say as much as North America might we have some problems there's there's a lot of problems with our news stations that are
00:06:51
Speaker
too big to get into here. They're just definitely not unbiased all the time. Exactly. Yeah. We have a good episode for you this week. But first, it's gonna be nice.
00:07:09
Speaker
Nice. Alana's segment will be nice. I will withhold comments about mine. I feel like we may have talked about not doing ones that were too crazy but maybe maybe you didn't stick to the assignment. I'll do it in my intro. You have you have something to share first and then we'll get to
00:07:38
Speaker
get to why I need to drink alcohol to get through this. I know these it could definitely it's a subject that can go so dark so I could see that I do have a fun fact though let's we'll kick us off with that I can't wait um so I do have more fun facts that came up a little later um well to pad out my episode a little bit of my second
00:08:08
Speaker
What? It's not one where I was able to go on for like 10 pages? Oh no. But yes, it's that I learned that Canada legalized oral sex in 1969. That's it. That's the whole fact.
00:08:30
Speaker
Or like I said, I might have more into like a list of several facts later. Just like a legal before then. People are so lame. I guess. It's like those arbitrary laws though, really. Yeah. Well, I have a few. So maybe...
00:08:51
Speaker
Maybe we'll do the thing where you go first because then Michael will be slightly less. Nobody dies. Somebody dies. It can happen though. These are the risks we take. Safe sex doesn't just mean condoms. I'm just gonna say I wouldn't have picked my case.
00:09:22
Speaker
Um, based on the subject matter, if what happened wasn't planned, discussed and detailed, and consensual, and I mean everything that happened, including the death. So. Oh.
The Rottenburg Cannibal Case
00:09:38
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. That gives me an idea where we're headed with this. I feel like I'm going to be like, wow, the internet is a wonderful place these days.
00:09:51
Speaker
Yeah, you can probably fulfill some fetishes that maybe are just questionable morally. Yeah. Yeah. Otherwise I wouldn't have done this case for this episode, but I don't know. It's something kinky that two people wanted to partake in and it was consensual and stuff. And it's not army hammer.
00:10:17
Speaker
It's an army hammer. Eating your toes. I think that's good because it's somebody eating something. It's not army hammer. Oh god, oh god. No, it could have, this could just have something for everyone then because members, some people just like the
00:10:37
Speaker
the crazy stuff and other people like the funny, lighter, fluffy stuff. Yeah. So I'm like, we'll end that episode on a happier note than this. But I mean, people- I like both. Well, go back and forth because a lot of people, for this case, there's
00:10:59
Speaker
A lot of gray area, because it was consensual, the people did agree to what happened. They discussed it in detail.
00:11:10
Speaker
like they both were into it so oh god that's right this sounds familiar okay yeah okay we better rip off the band a lot of people have heard about this um is this gonna be as painful as the fucking horror movie i watched last night where somebody got like nail gun to the wall for a little bit i don't know i tried to keep some of the details out i'm sure there's a lot more detailed things you can find them but i'm gonna cover
00:11:42
Speaker
All right. I'm going to knuckle and buckle as they say. Yeah. I had heard about this case in a few different places, including, um, there was like, wasn't part of the Buzzfeed Unsolved true crime or anything, but Buzzfeed Unsolved has like a guy that does kind of true crime stuff now where he just shares like a 10 minute story. Um, so he had covered this one and then Bailey Sarian has also covered this one, the YouTuber that I like.
00:12:06
Speaker
Oh yeah.
00:12:12
Speaker
right in like a 10 minute segment or so a lot of it was like left out they kind of just did like the brushstrokes of it but Bailey Sarian's was like 25 minutes um so we'll see this will probably be about half an hour 40 minutes yeah yeah yeah there's obviously a shorter time frame when it's a solo person like yeah i watch um
00:12:37
Speaker
I watch the YouTuber who has a podcast now called Mr. Ball and that Pat got me into. Yeah. And he's a single storyteller. So yeah, it doesn't take him as long to tell cases, but I don't, they don't always feel like they're leaving something out. Yeah. Uh, so today I'm going to be talking, uh, it kind of has two nicknames and that is the Rottenburg cannibal or the master butcher. Um, very fitting names. Yeah.
00:13:07
Speaker
Yeah, they didn't hold back on those names. No. So this isn't quite like famous case. A lot of people probably heard it before. That's all right. I wanted to share it for this episode.
00:13:21
Speaker
Yeah a lot of people that listen to us aren't familiar with true crime. Like my brother listens, my mother and they're not true crime pod listeners. I only started listening to true crime pods within the last couple years so I don't know half the cases that like say my sister knows. This one, I don't know, a lot of people like maybe will want to wash their brain after this.
00:13:49
Speaker
You're here to be the bearer of bad news. Yeah, I don't know. It's just something interesting to talk about. Right. I feel like it is something that's going to bring up a lot of, you know, important questions about consent and stuff. Yes. Yeah, if it wasn't consensual, I definitely would not have covered it in a kinky crimes, but I feel like because it is consensual, it's like almost like the ultimate kinky thing.
00:14:15
Speaker
Because it's like somebody like literally went out of their way to find somebody to basically kill them. Because that's what they want. So I'm going to be talking about Armin Mavis. Mavis I think his last name is. I'll just be calling him Armin. Armin?
00:14:40
Speaker
Arm and Hammer now. I love Arm and Hammer, okay? I'm withholding judgement. Oh! You were the one that wanted me to watch the movie he was in with, um, yeah. Timothy Chalamet, right? I love that one. Call me.
00:14:56
Speaker
I haven't watched it yet. It's good. It doesn't mean he's a bad actor. It just sounds like he might have questionable tastes. Yeah. And morals, possibly. Who knows? I don't know. He's been open about bondage fetishes in the past, so.
00:15:11
Speaker
I feel like this whole cannibal thing is, I don't know. Oh, I know, I know. There's like a fine line between what, dangerous fetishes and kinks or whatever. We're not here to talk about that today. Other than these two guys. So, Armin appeared to be just like everyone else.
00:15:34
Speaker
Uh, his neighbors said that he often helped mow their lawn. He even a time or two repaired their car and invited people over for lavish dinner parties. Very Hannibal Lecter style. Oh, that's true. He's feeding you his best dishes. As far as I can tell, he didn't really share, um, what was going on with people. I mean, can't say they never did, but
00:16:04
Speaker
Um, so at 42 years old, this computer expert and computer repairman was living in, was described as basically a mansion slash farmhouse. Uh, it's 44 rooms and it's in wrong. Yeah, it's huge. It looks pretty nice. And it said it was pretty isolated. Um, there's a picture of it on the drive. There's like five pictures that we share.
00:16:33
Speaker
Um, yeah, it's the second pitcher actually. Um, so it has a lot of really big trees around it. So I assume it's a kind of rural, a little bit more isolated. Um, so this is Rottenburg, Germany. So that's why he's called the Rottenburg Cannibal. Um, Armin is... Okay, Germany.
00:16:53
Speaker
So he's not what he appeared. Obviously we've mentioned a few times. He's a cannibal. What? You can't tell him just by looking at them? I don't know. I watched an interview with 60 Minutes of him talking and he's very much like sitting there and watching like Ed Kemper talk where it's just very analytical like detached from what happened but you can tell they aren't quite feeling guilty about it.
00:17:23
Speaker
I feel like that's one of the categories of sociopath or psychopath. I can't remember exactly which right now. Yeah. Yeah. OK, the house does have that. It's pretty very and look or whatever. Yeah. With the whitewashed and then the brown trimmings and stuff. Yeah. So it's lots of trees. I like that. Yeah. So it's like 44 rooms. This farmhouse mansion thing he's living in.
00:17:52
Speaker
Armin himself, he was born on December 1st, 1961, and his family comprised of his mom, his dad, and two half-brothers that he had from his dad's previous relationship. Okay. For no full siblings? No, just two half-brothers who are older than him.
00:18:17
Speaker
Um, but I wouldn't say by much because I didn't find it anywhere else, but from the Bailey Sarian video I rewatched earlier, it said that his parents had gotten married when his mom was 40 and his dad was 41. So for him to be 21 and to have two other kids other than Armin already, I wouldn't say they're very old. Oh, they're the father's kids. Yes.
00:18:47
Speaker
Interesting. Yeah, they must not have been. Yeah. The mom was described as being extremely controlling and pretty like verbally abusive towards Armin and husband, probably the other kids.
00:19:07
Speaker
Well, that's what you wonder. Because I obviously don't have, for anyone that knows me, a problem with an age gap if you have a healthy relationship. Because, like, I feel like in my relationship we have an age gap, but there's not a horrible power imbalance or anything like that, you know? So one person's just...
00:19:28
Speaker
You can get that any relationship. I mean, every time you see on TV, isn't it always the woman who's whipping the man into submission and like, order this, honey? Okay, we just watched that episode of The Sandman where they're all in a diner and he kind of makes it all go insane, basically.
00:19:46
Speaker
Yeah, this one woman who's like the CEO of her company, and you don't want to order that, do you, darling? The double-decker fucking burger. Yeah, you're just like, shut up, bitch. He doesn't want to get a salad. Yeah, totally.
00:20:04
Speaker
So at age 8, Armin's father ended up basically abandoning the family. His siblings, his older half-brothers, had actually left, I assume just moved out a few years earlier, so maybe when they were around 18 or so.
00:20:25
Speaker
Again, I have no idea because that would mean that like the dad was like 11. I don't understand how this I did It was only mentioned in the Bailey Sarian video. Um, I didn't find reference to the parents ages anywhere else So it kind of makes it right so we don't have a clear timeline necessarily No, um, but I do know when he's eight like the dad leaves and that his half brothers had left a few years before that and it's around this time that armin
00:20:54
Speaker
becomes obsessed with kind of death and starts reading about taboos and he starts to fantasize about killing and consuming people after he was somehow able to read a book about cannibalism oh yeah at age eight in what year uh this would be like 1970 1969 oh wow so he had uh 1969
00:21:23
Speaker
Oh, wait. Okay, so yeah, obviously I had to check it out of the library or something. Yeah, that's why I'm like, I don't know how we got this book. Yeah, he didn't he couldn't just Google it and then
00:21:39
Speaker
shitly try to scrub the search history. Yeah. So at age eight, he's reading about cannibalism. He becomes obsessed with this idea, which we'll kind of talk about later about he thought if he
00:21:55
Speaker
He felt so abandoned basically by his father and his brothers that he thought the ultimate way to keep somebody with him that could never leave him was to consume them. So he basically wanted like to consume somebody so that at least that person wouldn't be able to leave him. Which is kind of sad. Yeah, that sounds like severe abandonment issues.
00:22:19
Speaker
So that's like a big underlying thing. He started focusing this desire to have somebody with him all the time through consumption and he focused this desire towards his classmates in school but never acted on it.
00:22:40
Speaker
At the age of 19 he joined the West German Army and he was with them for 12 years. During this time he started to question his sexuality while he was in the army after basically asking people I guess if they thought he was gay and people were like well yeah and he's like well I don't know if I am and they're like you're gay.
00:23:02
Speaker
Oh my god, like Andy Bernard in that episode of The Office where Michael spreads all the rumors. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah, it's to do with- Do they think he's gay?
00:23:15
Speaker
Well, Michael ends up finding out that Stanley's having an affair because one of the temps sees him out with his wife, but his wife's not there. She's on vacation. So then he starts telling everybody that Stanley's having an affair, and then someone's like, you shouldn't do that. And then he's like, oh no, I should spread all these other rumors so nobody knows which one's the rumor. And then he spreads the rumor that Andy's gay, and then Andy's all insecure. Like, where did you hear that?
00:23:45
Speaker
and then like when at the end Michael's like
00:23:49
Speaker
no no all of those were fake except for one they're like well which one and he's like yeah which one he just doesn't know if he's gay or not you're like oh handy you see i've watched too many tv shows where people have written characters figuring out they're gay by people telling them they're gay or like a rumor saying they're gay and they're like the last to know so stupid i hate it um yeah that's a weird trope i mean yeah oh yeah anyway we won't i don't want to go into
00:24:20
Speaker
letting other people tell you what your sexuality or orientation is. That just seems so dangerous. Yeah, so Armin's starting to question this and after people are kind of talking to him about it, he's... one second. Gordo like activated a toy I thought had no batteries left.
00:24:43
Speaker
That sounded like Fen, we were shaking his collar for a minute. Yeah. It sounds like flap, flap, flap, flap, flap. Poor guy. It's like his favorite toy. That was really loud. Yeah. For a toy. It's a box and it has some like triangle cutouts and it has a wand with some feathers on it that basically like pokes out through the different triangles and then it like goes back in and then it'll come out random ones. Yeah.
00:25:12
Speaker
Wow. All right, so yeah, basically people are telling him he's gay. He starts realizing he's kind of had a lifelong problem connecting with women. He's tried it in the past, didn't really work. So he's like, okay, I'm gay. From what I found, it said that his
00:25:33
Speaker
like cannibalistic thoughts or thinking of consuming people had left him for this while that he was in the army probably because he had something he could kind of channel energy into and focus he's trying to play with the toy that has no that's now turned off um oh my god he's gonna yeah but no but probably um
00:26:03
Speaker
You could see him right now. I had so many bloopers for the last one too. It was good. He's so cute. Whatever. He can just do his thing in the background. He'll get tired eventually. I know it's not like he's doing the thing where it's clinking. Yeah.
00:26:22
Speaker
All right, so he's in the military or the army and He I guess had problems with alcohol use because after the 12 years at the age of 32 He basically got kicked out of the army for some possibly due to alcohol use I put because it said he had begun drinking more and more and
00:26:46
Speaker
Okay, we would have to have some reason or another nothing else in your performance Yeah, nothing else was listed from anything. I read so I assume it was probably alcohol related And sorry if any of that picked up on the mic Gordo's having a little play play
00:27:08
Speaker
I never know if it's going to be caught or not because sometimes I listen back and I'm like, oh, I just said there was a noise and then you hear nothing. Anyway. So after this, he moves back in with his mother to this house. So she was living in the house. It's like the family house. So he's living in this house with his mom. At this time, after leaving the army, he becomes a computer engineer.
00:27:33
Speaker
And so he's really smart. Uh, you can tell like from the interview I watched and he speaks like pretty good English and everything too. Cause in the 60 minutes interview I watched, he was speaking in English for half of it. Um, so just ignore. I'm sorry.
00:27:58
Speaker
I was thinking of the bloopers from Fuck My Work Life I listened to where they were like bloopers from season 3 and then half of it was them telling their cat to shut the fuck up. So Armin at this time starts to read some autobiographies about serial killers.
00:28:18
Speaker
which confused me because in the like 70s they didn't even really have the term serial killers or it was just starting so like why would there be books about serial killers
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, it may have gone by a different name I suppose on the book yeah, but they noticed patterns. Yeah interesting So the internet starts to come about and because he's a computer engineer He's online a lot and at this time they had kind of unregulated forums or chat rooms that people used a lot and Arbin discovered that there was a whole bunch of them that were dedicated to cannibalism and
00:29:14
Speaker
So around this time he kind of thinks that he was buying meat and stuff from like a butcher shop and shaping it or like carving it to look like human limbs and then posting and posing it like fake pictures being like these are victims I've killed.
00:29:25
Speaker
and he started to connect with some like-minded people online in these different forums.
00:29:33
Speaker
and oh yeah apparently in these chat rooms he started to kind of get like almost be like a celebrity like people were like wow like we're just talking about it but he's out here doing it um so people really liked him okay yeah he's like got a hunk of hamburger and he's like i killed someone i'm not sure yeah
00:29:57
Speaker
it made me think of in Vegas when we went to the area 51 and they had that weird meat counter where they had a meat statue of like the famous statue of the thinking man where he was all with his hand on his leg and his chin it's like oh my god what the fuck bud
00:30:19
Speaker
Um, so we cut to 1999, uh, Armin's mother ends up dying in her sleep, uh, and she was actually, yeah, um, so then he's now alone in the large mansion, and because she was pretty controlling and everything,
00:30:41
Speaker
he decided now that she's gone and he's by himself in this huge house you know what he's gonna start directing a lot more energy into finding his first victim and okay yeah armin wasn't like other cannibals or even killers uh i put he was a gentleman and would not kill someone without their consent so he
00:31:08
Speaker
ends up going and part of the big farmhouse or this mansion he's living in he basically turns one of the rooms into a kill room which I did find pictures of it's not anything crazy I mean there's like a terribly shitty bed
00:31:24
Speaker
in a room that almost looks like it was involved in a fire at some point, then a room with like a shit ton of computers, and then another one where it looks like he built a dog, like a metal dog cage pen kind of thing. Oh, yeah, like a kennel.
00:31:39
Speaker
Yeah, it was supposed to be for a person. Some stuff said because he didn't have a dog. But yeah, I think that's the scariest part is just that they're pre-meditatively making these, you know, structures and secure places for their victims. Yeah. It's like, whoa.
00:32:02
Speaker
Um yeah so he turns this he they everybody refers to it as the slaughter room. Uh we cut to March or I guess March like January to March of 2001 that's when all this is gonna happen. So uh Armin is posting ads online to a site called the Cannibal Cafe which is like an old forum that people posted to that had a cannibalism fetish.
00:32:35
Speaker
He posted in a few other sites as well, but that's the only one that's really mentioned by name. He posted in English and in German under a few different usernames. The most popular one he used was Frankie, which I read is actually like an imaginary brother he made up when he was younger. Yeah.
00:32:52
Speaker
And there was some other sites that keep... What a cute name. Yeah, Cannibal Cafe.
00:33:02
Speaker
So one of the posts, they're terrible. I mean, I mentioned earlier his English was good. I feel like these posts are not a good representation of that because it's just terrible.
00:33:18
Speaker
uh okay there's a picture of it it just says i search a young boy between 18 and 25 years old have you a normal body i butchering you and eat your horny flesh frankie which is just terrible
00:33:36
Speaker
My face right now. Just big old frown. Disgusted. Aww. They're broken English. I mean, is that just because it's translated? I eat you now. I don't know. There's a picture of it actually in, I believe, a screenshot from the site. Because it has other links. There's post follow-ups. There's links to other things, other searches.
00:34:07
Speaker
um damn human seeking human it's a a wanted ad basically yeah it's just it's just a little darker than most of them yeah it's just being upfront with his right i mean i guess it's like he said he's trying to be consensual which is hard to fault but yeah let's just say he's also got standards
00:34:34
Speaker
Armin weeds through a bunch of people that respond to his ads. By his estimates, over 200 people responded, saying they wanted him to eat them. And he weeds through these messages back and forth. He meets several men in hotel rooms where they role play the act, but none of them end up agreeing to go through with him actually killing them.
00:35:04
Speaker
So, and he doesn't force the issue, lets them leave voluntarily. And he actually had turned down multiple people due to lack of chemistry with them as well as, yeah. I mean, he has to be attracted to you too. That was the main reason presented in court for why
00:35:33
Speaker
Amber Heard wasn't being necessarily considered to keep reprising her role in Aquaman with Jason Momoa and everybody else. It became a point of contention where their other lawyers were like,
00:35:49
Speaker
Well, no, it's all what Johnny Depp and this trial has done to her reputation, which is why they didn't want her an Aquaman. And then other people were testifying like, no, it's because she had a lack of chemistry. Yeah, I can see lack of chemistry. The first maybe it's not great.
00:36:09
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, Jason Momoa's great, but how can you not have chemistry with him? Yeah. Oh boy, that's a different rabbit hole. With an amber turd in it that we don't want to step in. Yeah, so he's turning down people, lack of chemistry. He also turned down a guy that he thought was too weird, even for him. This guy... Oh no.
00:36:37
Speaker
Yeah. How rude! This guy, he, Armin says, wanted to be nailed down and then beaten to death, which Armin considered just too weird for him, so he didn't want to.
00:36:51
Speaker
okay yeah i just i don't even know what to say to that apparently he has his limits i guess well his thing is is he wants to eat somebody and in the interview he said like the means to the end of like him eating somebody is they have to be dead but he didn't want to kill somebody so that was like the conundrum he was in is that these people wanted like a lot of them wanted violent deaths but he didn't want to kill them
00:37:18
Speaker
but he just wanted to eat them, but they wanted to die really violently, which he didn't want to do.
00:37:23
Speaker
You know? I can't say I do know what it feels like but it's it's weird because yeah you you would think one would go with the other. Yeah. I mean if someone's gonna get eaten it's probably not because they just died a peaceful death in their beds. This is so bizarre and hard to like comprehend yeah.
00:37:50
Speaker
A few of the sources mentioned around this time while he's still looking for a victim, he ended up stealing or getting somehow a couple mannequins, like store mannequins, that he painted to look like dead bodies and he kept these for some time and posted photos of them to the website as well. I think he's just trying to use it as bait to get somebody.
00:38:15
Speaker
um damn i know that is also some sort of fetish like to have a partner that appears to be unconscious or sleeping or dead which is also something that's hard to wrap your mind around if you don't have that fetish you're like oh there was a movie that had it uh really the killing of because someone used it for gross purposes
00:38:43
Speaker
Yeah, it was weird. It was the killing of a sacred deer. Oh, I've heard of that, yeah. Yeah, and the father had it, and the father was a doctor, which made it really weird, because you're like, oh, you keep people from dying, and then you want your wife. Like, literally, he couldn't have sex with his wife any other way. She, like, had to prevent. She was dead.
00:39:04
Speaker
Oh, okay. That would not be fun for the other person if they didn't share that particular kink, probably. But we all do things for our spouse that we don't necessarily like. It just depends where you're willing to go, I suppose. Yeah. So this enters, we're gonna get to the victim now. Or if you can really call him a victim, I don't know.
00:39:32
Speaker
Oh my god. I'm still getting over that nobody killed any deers in that movie. Okay, anyway. Weird. This is burned Jurgen Armando Brandes. I'm gonna be calling him Brandes. Whoa.
00:39:51
Speaker
And he is 43, an engineer from Berlin that was recently single, I think for a very shitty reason, his former girlfriend Bettina L, after his death told like German TV that the two had had a healthy sex life for their relationship, but that she had broken up with him after finding out that he also liked men.
00:40:18
Speaker
didn't mean that he wanted to do anything about it. She just seems like shit.
00:40:26
Speaker
yeah that's definitely problematic yeah i mean he also maybe i guess he could have maybe told her maybe that maybe she was also upset that she didn't know that but who's to say like yeah that just does seem like something silly to kind of break up over that you couldn't you couldn't get past like right
00:40:49
Speaker
So Armin actually, in a lot of the sources I read, it said that Brandes was responding to an ad that Armin had posted. And in the 60 Minutes interview I watched with Armin, he said that he responded to Brandes posts. He had not received a thing from Brandes. And that he had responded to Brandes' ad on the site. And this is what Armin said it was.
00:41:18
Speaker
Um, the, like, heading was dinner or your dinner. He said he couldn't remember what it was. Um, and he said the subject body of it was something like, I'm offering you the chance to eat me alive. Who really wants it and needs a genuine victim. So he says that's what his message was that he responded to. And. Okay. The killer saying that's what the victim said. Who wants to eat me alive. Okay.
00:41:48
Speaker
Uh, they began messaging over the next several weeks. So this, he said that he responded to this ad in January and they meet in March. So it's like months that they're messaging back and forth. And Brandeis further reveals over, they said like hundreds of messages and emails that were put into evidence for the trial.
00:42:11
Speaker
Like they talked about everything that was going to go down. Brenda's reveals that this is like where it gets bad. Jump ahead if you don't want to know the details of this. This is a crazy fascinating case though. Do you know this one? Have you heard this one before?
00:42:31
Speaker
I feel like it sounds familiar, but I don't know. All the details sound kind of new. Apparently, Brandeis had a thing about pain. He wanted to be conscious.
00:42:51
Speaker
Most things said that he had a fantasy about having his penis either bitten off or cut off while he was alive. Okay, that sounds disgustingly familiar. Yeah, that's the one that sticks out into people's minds about this case. Well, there's some details you just can't forget. Yeah. Oh, God, why? I don't... I mean, you know, there's no explanation.
00:43:21
Speaker
Um, yeah, so he, they talked about that. Um, they talked about the fact that Brenda's like wanted to be able to eat part of, I guess his penis. And then Armin was like, okay, like we'll do that and then I'll cook it and then we can eat it together before I kill you. At some point. Oh, so like, Brenda's wanted to eat part of his own penis? Yeah. Interesting.
00:43:49
Speaker
Um, and then at some point, Brenda said something about wanting his skull either to be used as an ashtray or for it to be buried outside in the garden. I think it was buried outside in the garden cause Armin says at the trial, that's what he did because that's what Brenda's wanted. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I don't even begin to want to know what the psychology is on that. It just seems like there's gotta be something to it.
00:44:20
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, apparently Brenda's also agreed. One of the messages that went back and forth between the two from Armin was something about like after you're dead I'll take you out and expertly carve you up except for a pair of knees and some fleshy trash.
00:44:41
Speaker
I think this was translated. That was meaning skin, cartilage, and tendons. There won't be much if you left. I'll dry out the knees. I'll dry out the knees and grind them up soon after. You won't be the last, hopefully. I've already considered catching a young person from the street. Which doesn't fit as Emma, I'll say.
00:45:03
Speaker
Oh my god. Why do you need to grind up the knees? Yeah that part computes with me greatly. Like I know you got to get rid of a body because you obviously know that this isn't gonna be seen as completely legal. We'll get to it. Let's just say the trial's interesting on this one.
00:45:28
Speaker
They continue to send each other messages online, as I said, for like two and a half months. And Armin agreed to all of the terms that Brand has requested. As he kind of said, he just didn't want to go against the volunteers' wishes. They're willing to die and everything, so he basically said the least he can do is give them the death that they wanted if he was comfortable with it as well.
00:45:55
Speaker
So that makes it sound like a mercy. Yeah. Which is brought up in trial. Yeah.
00:46:08
Speaker
like oh yeah that's like saying i don't know you can't just say i had the right to kill this person or whatever like it's totally different than say like euthanasia where somebody is asking because they're in pain or whatever you're like i'm pretty sure this is part of some sort of um mental issue right yeah
00:46:31
Speaker
Damn. So the day the death takes place in the evening of March 9th, three, this, lots of sources say it was only three days after the first messages. The men exchanged, but from the interview with Armin, he said they first started talking months earlier in January.
00:46:52
Speaker
I feel like that would make more sense. Yeah. So Brandes had taken the day off of work. He had sold all of his personal belongings, including his sports car he had. And he had purchased a one way ticket to the castle, like train station or wherever Armin was supposed to be picking up from. And he had also erased the hard drive on his computer.
00:47:19
Speaker
and Armin was waiting to pick him up and the pair drove back to Armin's fancy mansion-y farmhouse.
00:47:28
Speaker
Right. Still doesn't look big enough to have 44 rooms just to look at it. Yeah. They stopped on the way to go to a pharmacy to pick up sleeping pills, because even though Brandeis at the beginning had said he wanted to feel the pain and there's mention of it later, that at some point he had said he would only go through with it if he had sleeping pills. So they went and stopped off at a pharmacy.
00:47:54
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Once Brandes got to Armin's house, Armin says that Brandes basically walked right into the living room and like took off all his clothes and like stood there so that Armin, he said, Armin said so he could admire his body. Whatever. And then they had sex. Because why not? I mean...
00:48:20
Speaker
Okay. Well, pleasure, a little pain. Yep, okay. So, Brenda's then consumed the 20 sleeping pills along with half a bottle of schnapps. Oh my god. Yeah, it's a lot of sleeping pills. He consumed it, most things say with schnapps, some things say cough syrup. I have a feeling it was probably schnapps because cough syrup would be sucky.
00:48:45
Speaker
You don't want to take 20 sleeping pills in a bottle of Buckley's. That's shitty. Yeah, unless it's like they had the Flaming Mose on The Simpsons where it was like cop syrup and some kind of liquor and then he lit it on fire. Oh, scissor. It was basically scissor. Yeah. Yeah, whatever they fucking say that shit. I don't know. Justin Bieber used to drink. I hate that I know that. I hate Justin Bieber.
00:49:16
Speaker
What? Not all Canadians love him? No guys, not necessarily. My brother likes him. My brother likes him more than I do. He's got a few okay songs, I guess. Yeah. So according to police, they say that the coughs or the schnapps and sleeping pills would have had a big effect on brandism, would have caused extreme tiredness as well as breathing problems.
00:49:43
Speaker
Um, Brandes initially insisted that Armin, just like they're agreed upon things, try to bite his penis off. Um, apparently this did not work, and ultimately Armin ended up using a kitchen knife to cut it off. Armin? Oh my god. Yeah.
00:50:05
Speaker
Well, we don't have sharp teeth like that. Yeah, they said it was too, like, grisly. The texture of penis gets mentioned way too much in this case. Oh my god. So, according... But, like, yeah. Ugh. What the hell could you bite off? Don't even... No, I don't want to hear about nipples and stuff. Never mind.
00:50:35
Speaker
that brought up way too many true crime cases, even like some I heard today, so. So according to Armin, Brenda screamed for about 30 seconds afterwards and then in his words he appeared kind of disappointed when the pain apparently started fading. At this point he's just suffering blood loss and then he's
00:51:04
Speaker
taken too many sleeping pills and drunk and a whole bunch of snobs. So he's pretty out of it. You kind of wonder if they just have a, you know, mental issues enough where they just want to feel something. You're like...
00:51:17
Speaker
There's people that are like born without pain receptors or whatever and they accidentally hurt themselves. I think I talked about that on like the strange bodies episode or something medical mysteries. Probably. I read a novel where the main character had that and that's when I realized it would be
00:51:39
Speaker
difficult because you're not invincible you just know I just don't careful yeah like they don't realize if they've like hurt themselves or that certain things can hurt themselves oh yeah you can have a broken bone and you wouldn't realize it yeah
00:51:57
Speaker
So apparently Brandes tried to eat some of his own penis that had not been cooked, but he couldn't apparently because it was too tough, he said, or as he put it, chewy. And Armin's medical care... He's also had a bunch of sleeping pills! Yeah.
00:52:18
Speaker
Doesn't he want to die? Does he want to choke to death on his own genitalia? Like what a fucking way to go! I don't think so. Armin then like takes the penis and like cuts it up, fries it in a pan with some seasonings I won't get into because I'm not giving. This isn't like a cooking show.
00:52:46
Speaker
Did Hannibal Lecter give him some tips? Yeah. Fava beans.
00:52:53
Speaker
I'm sorry. I have to laugh because otherwise, you know. Now you know why I'm like... You cry. I need to drink to get through this. It's too much. Yeah. You won't get not known as the one with the dark cases. It's like anyone that listens to Wine and Crime, they always are not surprised when Canyon has a dark case or a dark case from Russia. They're like, oh!
00:53:22
Speaker
What a surprise. But it's this one's freaking fascinating. I don't know. Right? That's how I feel about it because it is consensual. Right? Like if this was like just a victim he had done this to, it'd be real shitty. But the fact that everything other than like him eating the person afterwards is how this person wanted it to go.
00:53:47
Speaker
Right, so if everybody wants to say that consent is key and it's the be all and end all answer to everything, then these kind of things make you question that. It's like, oh, okay. Is consent the only thing that matters? Or is there other questions we need to look at? Yeah.
00:54:07
Speaker
So apparently after they tried to cook his penis it was too burnt to be consumed which apparently disappointed them both. I don't like it a little charred. Well I mean if it's chewy before if you cook it in a frying pan it's probably not gonna get any better. Chard cock.
00:54:32
Speaker
So some sources say that he then chopped it up into smaller chunks and fed it to his dog. I don't really know about that. At this point, Brandes had lost a whole bunch of blood and he was kind of starting to fade in and out of consciousness. So Armin put him in the bathtub in the bathroom.
00:54:57
Speaker
and didn't fill it with water or anything just let him in there so he was kind of propped up so that he could basically bleed out in the bathtub um I don't know whether he went into another room or not but there is the detail that he decided to read a Star Trek novel and no he returned every about 15 minutes or so to check on Brandeis uh like
00:55:24
Speaker
can't believe that's part of it he's just like well as soon as if we try eating me if that's not good then just bye yeah like okay no dessert no and nothing else for your last meal you just
00:55:41
Speaker
And like he's got so many sleeping pills and losing so much blood. What if he did want to withdraw consent? He's not even in the right mind to do so. That's fair. Absolutely. Yeah. So hours later, Brenez was still alive. And according to Armin, he said, quote, I did want to eat him, but I did not want to kill him. So finally, after like hours,
00:56:09
Speaker
don't they know about fucking the bobbit guy like he got his penis cut off and he survived did they think that was just gonna hope that was enough i mean yeah um so after a lot of they said hesitation and prayer according to arm and uh he
00:56:33
Speaker
basically, like, did decide eventually that he was gonna directly kill Brandes by cutting his throat with a very large knife in the bathtub. Um, so now Brandes is dead. Uh, he takes his body and takes it out of the bathroom, I assume to the slaughter room, and hangs his body on a meat hook. Suspended from the ceiling. And... Oh yeah, you're so considerate of the dead, of the victim.
00:57:03
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. Um, so he starts dismembering him and then he ends up storing like all the meat that he's going to be eating and body parts and stuff in kind of like a deep freeze freezer. Um, Armin says of his first meal that he decorated the table with nice candles, took out his best dinner service and fried a piece of rump steak, a piece from his back.
00:57:31
Speaker
made what I call princess potatoes and sprouts. After I prepared my meal, I ate it. So. Princess potatoes? I don't know what those are.
00:57:42
Speaker
Maybe a little bit. Yeah, now it's all fancy. Now that buddy's dead. Oh, what? You couldn't have him sitting up at the table eating by candlelight when you're eating him. Well, like some sources, one source did say that they had like a full meal before they went through with this and that they had sat around talking for like hours. But that was only one source. And I didn't find anywhere where he talked about that.
00:58:10
Speaker
So crazy. It's just so hard to wrap your mind around. Yeah. Uh, Armin says that he kept his promise to Brando's and did bury his skull and any other un or inedible body parts out in the garden. And over the next roughly 20 months, Armin ended up defrosting and consuming pieces of Brando's body. And he consumed approximately 20 kilograms or 44 pounds of human flesh.
00:58:39
Speaker
And he said, with every bite my memory of him grew stronger. Your memory of that one night.
00:58:52
Speaker
uh we cut to like this 20 months later and there's an austrian student um who i don't know whether intentionally or not most things say he stumbled into the cannibalism chat forum sites and i was like what a thing to stumble into uh
00:59:13
Speaker
Yeah, I don't think that I ever found that when I was literally using the, I don't know, website app algorithm thing, whatever you want to call it, before there was all the social medias, it was called stumble upon, and it would take you to a random website, but it didn't take you to that kind of fucking website. Yeah. Just be like something funny or yeah. Yeah. I used those two when I was in middle school. They were kind of fun.
00:59:41
Speaker
Yeah, I like to stumble upon it. Yeah, it'd be like, here's a webpage where when you click anywhere on the screen, the webpage changes color. And it was like, oh, cool. It wouldn't be like, here's a cannibalism chat room. The early days of the innocent internet. Yeah. I mean, there was a lot of shit on there too, but then there was just like equally pure stuff. Yeah.
01:00:00
Speaker
Yeah, so this Austrian student ends up alerting German authorities about Armin after he stumbles on some of his posts in the chat rooms because Armin's posting about killing somebody and he's seeing pictures and stuff from the killing. Everybody assumes it's the killing.
01:00:22
Speaker
So, Armin is arrested in December of 2002, and when they first entered his house, they found a false bottom in his freezer, like a big deep freeze, and a whole bunch of meat in there. And Armin, originally when he was questioned about it, told them that it was wild boar meat, and... Oh, long pig.
01:00:48
Speaker
Um, they eventually basically asked him, are you sure about that? This doesn't look like Bob or me. And he's like, nah, it's person. Uh, yeah, he didn't lie for very long. Um, yeah, they also found footage, which we'll talk about later and some pictures of the killing.
01:01:07
Speaker
By this point, Armin had actually met with five other men who had responded to other ads he had posted, and he had met in person with them about his killing and eating them, but he had not actually gone through with killing anyone else. Right, so this was the only one. Yeah.
01:01:31
Speaker
After he was in custody, Armin was diagnosed with schizoid personality. Was that like a branch off of like schizophrenia? Must be. I'm not sure. I should have googled it. But he was still deemed fit to stand trial for the murder.
Legal and Media Implications
01:01:51
Speaker
Charging Armin was difficult, as prosecutors soon discovered that cannibalism was not illegal in Germany.
01:02:02
Speaker
Yeah, and instead Armin was charged with murder for sexual pleasure and with disturbing the peace of the dead. He told the court on his first day of trial for the murder, I always had the fantasy and in the end I fulfilled it.
01:02:24
Speaker
Another difficult thing for the prosecution was this videotape I mentioned a minute ago. It was shot by Armin over the course of four hours, and it was basically the entire evening, which really throws an wrench in the prosecutions thing. In this video, Brandes can be seen and heard asking Armin like directly to bite his penis off, telling him like, do it now.
01:02:51
Speaker
of thing. It also videotaped them attempting to eat it before and after it was cooked and then continuing through recording Branda's in the bathtub bleeding out as well as the recording of him being like his throat being slit and then the dismembering. It was all on tape.
01:03:13
Speaker
So afterward, the blood loss according to the police who unfortunately had to watch this four hour long tape, they said that it likely would have resulted in Brande as being unable to eat any of his penis. I also, as you kind of talked about at what point would he have stopped being able to give, I'd say like enthusiastic consent to what was happening.
01:03:39
Speaker
If he ever was, considering his mental state might not have been 100% healthy. Exactly. So at the trial, part of the video was shown, like 15 minutes of it. I assume nothing too bad.
01:03:57
Speaker
Maybe just the consent parts of him talking, I'm not sure. Oh my god, he wants them to watch that, yeah. It was shown to the jury. From multiple sources I read, supposedly, there are four screenshots of the video that can be found online.
01:04:16
Speaker
Um, but the credibility of these screenshots have never been proven. Um, when I Googled his name, when I looked up pictures of the house, I found pictures of what aren't possibly the ones they're talking about by accident on Google images. Um, and based on the 60 Minutes interview of what he said, like the steps he took to like just briefly dismember him, the pictures fit with that, but I'm not sure.
01:04:45
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Um, the defense team believes that Armin was at worst guilty of killing on demand, which we kind of talked about that, um, Brenna's had basically sought possibly somebody out just to kill him. And then this was just a very elaborate way to do that. And that charge killing on demand was punishable by just five years in prison.
01:05:12
Speaker
The prosecutors in turn revealed that Brandeis was suffering from severe psychiatric disorder and had a strong desire for self-destruction at the time of his death. And that this mental state would not have been a proper place to give any sort of consent regarding his life. But they didn't directly say what this psychiatric disorder could have been. They were kind of talked about.
01:05:42
Speaker
uh in his pretrial interview uh armin says after eating brandez he felt much better and more stable he said that brandez spoke better english than he did and since eating him his english had improved chicken what the fuck yeah i don't know just some bullshit uh in january of 2004 armin was convicted of manslaughter
01:06:07
Speaker
Um, and the judges gave him eight and a half years saying that it was not technically a murder, but the case of what they called two psychologically sick people who found each other. Which I mean, that's kind of fair. Um, but I mean, not a sensitive way to say it, but yeah.
01:06:29
Speaker
Uh, two years later, in May of 2006, there was a retrial and Armin was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison as prosecutors focused more on, like, the sexual aspect of the killing instead of focusing on Armin only killing Brandeis because Ar- like, because Brandeis has asked him to. It was more that, like, Armin had something to gain out of it too. Well, that's...
01:06:57
Speaker
Definitely not exactly the case here where usually it's like only the killer had the idea. Yeah, right. So during sessions with police experts, Armin had explained that his desire for cannibalism related to the fairy tale Hansel and Gretel and he had developed this like interest to develop during his adolescent years. He kind of talked about that.
01:07:23
Speaker
Armin told the court that he had felt lonely and neglected as a child after his father had walked out on the family, and he had fantasized about having a young blonde younger brother who that he could keep forever by consuming him. Oh, younger blonde brother.
01:07:41
Speaker
Okay Hitler. So now Armin is described as friendly, outgoing, polite, a prisoner who reads and helps other prisoners with the typewriter. He goes to church services and works in the laundry. When speaking to a German newspaper he admitted that cannibalizing Brenda's and
01:08:08
Speaker
Yeah, he admitted to cannibalizing Brenda's and expressed regret in his actions. He added he wants to write a biography with the aim of deterring anyone from wanting to follow in his footsteps. There's a bunch of websites dedicated to Armin and they started appearing after his 2002 arrest with people advertising for willing victims. His response to this was that they should go in for treatment so that they don't escalate like it did with me.
01:08:38
Speaker
Yeah. In 2007, the UK's Daily Mail reported that he has since become the head of the Prison Green Party. This is real shitty. And the Prison Green Party is a group of murderers and pedophiles who talk about how to make the world a better place. Do they now? Yeah, right? Sounds like the shittiest group ever. The Graham Breakfast Club.
01:09:06
Speaker
yeah except it's called the green party like the fucking environmentalists yeah that's what the green party is here in canada they want yeah they want environmental rights looked after they're not murderers and pedophiles um the male also noted that uh armin has since become a vegetarian and yeah uh he himself believes that there are approximately 800 active cannibals in germany
01:09:36
Speaker
alone because I don't know whether or not it's still not illegal. I didn't look into that. Okay. According to some sources, Armin has recently been permitted to wander the streets in disguise as part of his rehabilitation. I found that in like two sources out of all of mine, so I don't know. Wander the streets in disguise? Yeah, like kind of like semi-probation I guess.
01:10:07
Speaker
okay so maybe he's on like day release maybe why do they have to put that he's in disguise that's just weird i don't get it he's kind of a celebrity people really like him it's like weird um the case as you expect has been used as an inspiration for many type of like medias um including songs bands um a couple i want to mention obviously like hannibal the tv show um the
01:10:37
Speaker
Mason Verger is kind of like a little bit with this. There's like a line or something thrown in about like, yeah, do it like they do in Germany or something.
01:10:51
Speaker
Yeah, the Brooklyn Nine-Nine also has in later seasons when Jake was sent to the prison and they had that guy that was the cannibal. And there's also like a throwaway line about like finding somebody that's willing or something. And then the one show I had watched, I think we talked about it here recently, was the IT crowd. They actually do a whole episode that's literally this.
01:11:18
Speaker
Moss answers an online ad for something that he thinks is cooking glass and he shows up to a guy's apartment and thinks he's gonna get cooking lessons but the guy wants to eat him and he like
01:11:31
Speaker
Yeah, it's all a misunderstanding and the guy ends up apologizing being like, my English is no good. Like kind of thing and Moss is like, you better word your ad better or something. And then they just like leave. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. Well, that turned out well. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the case I chose. I mean, Jesus. It's about as kinky as you can get the, just like crazy.
01:12:02
Speaker
Exactly. Just like it's, I don't know, cannibalism is like the weirdest thing and then, I don't know.
01:12:11
Speaker
I know, we've never done an episode on cannibalism. And not specifically where we both did cannibalism, no. No. Yeah. Now I'm like, did I misunderstand the assignment? No. I'm just here to lift us up after with some weird sex toy related crimes. Yeah, I did not confirm that I was doing this case until you told me what kind of stuff you were covering and I was like, well, that'll liven the episode up. I'll finish my notes.
01:12:42
Speaker
all right well that was horrible thanks i hate it we'll be right back yes we survived my segment or if you skipped it welcome to the episode hi are you back we're back or we may or may not have just gone on a tangent about
01:13:12
Speaker
Ben Schwartz I Remember last time I was like we may or may not just have a movie tangent and I was like, oh, yeah, I didn't cut it Because it was pretty cute. I don't know you're talking about a movie like that. I was like, I should guess I guess I should watch that Probably Annihilation what even oh, it's like what even was it? Oh
01:13:35
Speaker
I think Annihilation, but I haven't watched it yet. Okay. Last night we watched one called No Exit and it was pretty good. I didn't know what it was about. He put it on. I said, what is this? This is like a horror. Pat was like, I think it's more like a mystery and I was like, question mark face type of thing. But then it got going and it was like, yeah, it was pretty good, like intense. I would say thriller, if not horror. It definitely
01:14:03
Speaker
had some body horror. I told you somebody got nailed at one point. Oh, was that literally? Yeah, literally like through the hand spoiler. It was gross. I was like, I don't want to watch this right now. Just wasn't my stomach wasn't in the mood for it.
01:14:21
Speaker
earlier today I watched Day Shift where Snoop Dogg and Jamie Foxx are fucking vampire hunters and it was great. I didn't know I needed Snoop Dogg being a vampire hunter like in my life, but I do. It was great. I love Snoop Dogg. It was so funny. Nice. Jamie Foxx. Yeah, he's good too.
01:14:48
Speaker
And then right after that I watched the Matrix resurrections, finally. It was good. Oh yeah, that's the fourth one, right? Yeah, and I was just like, ooh, the whole Sensei cast reunion. Every time one of them was on the screen, I was like, yes!
01:15:07
Speaker
Yeah, I think I heard other people didn't like it, but of course you always hear that about different movies. And I was like, I remember thinking it was okay. I mean, like, yeah, not like the first ones were like my favorite movies that I'd seen 10,000 times, but I like them.
01:15:23
Speaker
I watched the first ones I feel like over the span of like two days like a year and a half ago and I feel like I was really tired both days and I kept drifting in and out of sleep so I feel like I need to give them a proper watch and then I need to rewatch the fourth one.
01:15:41
Speaker
Oh yeah, that can happen with ones that are in pop culture, don't you know? Like, don't you feel like, I mean, I was like, I've seen this in clips. I was like 20 minutes into the movie and then I was like googling the synopsis of the first three being like, I don't even understand what's going on right now. I mean, it looks cool, but like,
01:16:01
Speaker
I didn't understand anything that they were talking about and then I was like, why are the machines after them again? Why do they need the people? Yeah, maybe it's the one where you have to watch it with others, with people. Yeah, and you were saying you're watching Tenet and I was like, oh yeah, I need to rewatch that because I didn't really understand it either because there was so much time travel.
01:16:27
Speaker
weekly wobbly but not more than like say a show like the fringe i mean it's that kind of junk where they're like i just met my own daughter or whatever and you're like okay this is pretty crazy it like breaks your brain and you have to watch it a couple times yeah i don't know yeah tenet was all right i mean yeah yeah i was very confused when they were trying to explain everything i was like okay so if
01:16:56
Speaker
every time like the regular world is going forwards and then if you're going backwards you've been like inverted but so those people always look like they're going backwards but I was like but then how can something that's like how can the invert at the end it was like how can the inverted people be an hour ahead of you
01:17:22
Speaker
If like, it hasn't happened yet. I don't remember trying to think it through that hard. I was like, I can't do it. And then at the same time, dots happening, they're just like, yeah, this was at one point, they're like, this is the first part. And then they went like backwards really far. And then they're like, this is four days ago. And I was like, but one of you is in four days ago and one of you is in like seven days ago and one of you is at the start of the movie. I was like, I don't understand.
01:17:50
Speaker
How are you talking by phone? Like... That's the spider first, yeah. I was like, I can't deal with this, you're talking on the phone, but like it doesn't make sense. Yeah, I couldn't handle it. Time travel. I was also watching it on a split screen, so I was like on Facebook at the same time, so that probably didn't help. I remember watching it with Pat and still like asking questions and trying to understand, so...
01:18:20
Speaker
I mean, if I have to have like a degree in like fucking quantum physics to like understand a movie, I don't want to watch it. Thank you. Yeah, it's well, I guess he'd put it with like. Enter the Matthew McConaughey space one. Yeah. Interesting. Yes, I was literally like inception. What is the other I movie? OK, yes. Inceptions, the other Christopher Nolan crazy. Yeah.
01:18:49
Speaker
We have one of those weird movie cells from Interstellar. Collectible. Yeah. Cool. Any who's it. Oh, dear. Okay, mine's not long for me this time. Super. Which is good, because mine went quicker than I wanted it to. I know it's almost 10 o'clock. When do we start? Oh, we don't know.
01:19:13
Speaker
Just before 8. No, mine's just a few shortish ones. A handful of sex toy steals, sex toy thefts and other sort of adjacent crimes, petty type crimes. So I thought we're kind of funny or some were already compiled. I'll give a shout out if there was, yeah, like a list I used.
01:19:43
Speaker
just like last time with the forest one where I realized yeah my main list where I got the idea to like look into the other ones a little bit I was like it wasn't a very official cryptid site it was like an outdoor camping gear site or something I mean Uncle Sam's gear sometimes I'm reading like
01:20:09
Speaker
It's like a travel website and it's like talking about what to do in the area and I'm like using it as a source for like a paranormal thing like Ghost Hunt or something. I love that. It's like TripAdvisor culture. Yeah. Fucking TripAdvisor reviews as my source.
01:20:31
Speaker
but oh yeah it is part of some cultures though I mean it's like I was listening to a podcast today where their their podcast was is called spooky tales that they were promoting and it's because they're latina and they're like she was like how did you get into podcasting this you know about those tales is there anything they're like well cuz like we're latina kind of but then they're like no but it's really like part of the culture where you'll get together and yeah
01:21:00
Speaker
tell each other stories of like did you hear about the time I saw this yeah okay so speaking of ones from people's homeland this first one happens to be Canadian yeah I hadn't heard of it so I called it the sexy kitten boutique burglary
01:21:26
Speaker
Because a resident of Courtney, British Columbia, it's not too far from where Pat is from, my partner, so there you go. So this person broke into the sexy kitten sex shop in January of 2017. Okay. I don't know the exact date because
01:21:50
Speaker
I didn't know if it was your birthday. Oh well. Well no it wasn't because it said something like the prior Wednesday and the article was from like January 17th. Oh I hate that. Yeah. Last Thursday and there's like no date given you're like cool. I am reading this in the future. Yeah.
01:22:12
Speaker
He was caught on surveillance footage using a blunt implement, possibly a hammer, to break into the store before taking off with a quote, foot long, 30 centimeters for us metric folks, rubber sex toy. Oh, I was just going to say, please be a dildo. Yes. And not like 30 centimeters of rope. No. I love it.
01:22:40
Speaker
I just refrained from always using the word dildo. Although I proudly wear my shirt that I got. My mom and my sister went to Newfoundland and they visited the city dildo and then I have a shirt now that says dildo brewing company. Oh yeah. All right. The man also grabbed a pair of panties on his way out but promptly dropped them in front of a nearby money mart.
01:23:10
Speaker
Why? Take your underwear with you. Yeah, I wasn't sure if that part was accidental or not. Probably. Because he might have just, yeah. Been like, damn it, these aren't my size, and he just throws them over his shoulder. Yeah, he didn't get exactly what he wanted, as you'll see. Sorry. Was the sex toy too big? It's too big for him.
01:23:41
Speaker
Probably. Yeah, you gotta start smaller. Yeah. So as it happens, the store's owner, Janelle, I'm not sure. It's De Ballenhard. Or if it's maybe French, maybe it's
01:24:05
Speaker
No, I don't know. Sorry, that was the wrong time for me to have a mouth full of water. For you to say de-ballin hard. It's like... So... I almost did a... That's her last name. I almost did a spit tank on my laptop. Oh, Jesus.
01:24:29
Speaker
I was like, when Pat told me he listened to a guy named Mr. Ballin, I was like, really? But he's like, no, he's really good. I was like, okay. And now I'm like, okay, I like Mr. Ballin. But is he Mr. DeBallinhard? Yes, Miss Janelle DeBallinhard. But she's really cool. You'll like her. She happened to recognize the man immediately as a customer who'd been in the store before.
01:24:54
Speaker
In fact, the man had been in just recently, eyeing a particular plaything. He had even measured it. Unbought his forearm. Called it. No, prob- I hope just a ruler. I don't know. They noticed he measured it. Maybe he has a pocket tape measure. Like those tool belts you're just like. Customers come into my store with those and you're like, why are you like, uh,
01:25:25
Speaker
It's like measuring everything in the store. Yeah, like on Parks and Rec when Nick Offerman's dude just says, I know more than you do. Yes. I feel like I want to do that. Some places. Ron Swanson. That's it. Why can't I think of it? OK.
01:25:51
Speaker
Yeah, he had been eyeing that particular piece, measured it, then left and said he would be back later. But that afternoon, someone bought the item in question.
01:26:04
Speaker
Oh no. So the toy the man made off with was actually much larger than the one he'd had his eye on. And his tape measure. So you're right, it was too big. I was like, damn. And then Janelle put up a rather sarcastic sort of missing dildo sign.
01:26:33
Speaker
love it uh yeah with a reward for an untouched return of said item no i'm pretty sure she does a joke yeah yeah i'm like i'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to return to anything right however it would be the owner herself who caught the guy she the next time he came back from the store pretended nothing happened
01:27:01
Speaker
I mean, they're in Courtney, British Columbia. It's not a big place. So this is not that surprising when she, quote, went to get coffee in a local coffee shop downtown and he happened to walk by me. So I got in my car and I followed him until the cops came screaming, give me back my dildo.
01:27:25
Speaker
He was arrested and released on condition of appearing in court. So the whole thing, the whole love out loud thing has been actually great for drumming up business. Apparently tons of people have came in to ask about the incident and have a laugh. I mean, it's pretty great. I love it. Yeah, I like it. But also,
01:27:55
Speaker
What? Just pay for it. If you're going to steal it, why would you measure it? Yeah. All right. The next one. The next one is an armed or dicked robbery. A man named Aaron Stein was arrested for robbing a bank by using a bomb threat.
01:28:24
Speaker
He walked into the PNC bank branch in Crafton, Pennsylvania. He had a mask on, said he had a bomb, displayed some wires hanging out from underneath his shirt, said Crafton Police Chief Mark Sumpler. The teller saw a device with wires and a green light on top that appeared to be a trigger button. Later, the suspect was spotted by Township Officer Mike Gastieb on Campbell's Run Road.
01:28:55
Speaker
As the officer went to approach the suspect, he started to drive off, but the officer was able to stop him. They noticed he had cash in the car, and Stein confessed to robbing the bank, but insisted it was not a real bomb. Oh, because that's the point that matters. Yeah.
01:29:18
Speaker
I mean, I'm glad nobody got hurt, that matters too, but yeah, he just says that right away, right? And they still had to call in the bomb squad, because when you say you have a bomb, they can't just take your word for it. And I thought it was funny when I read that the bomb squad they called in was the Allegheny County Bomb Squad.
01:29:41
Speaker
I recognize that from our haunted asylums when I did the Trans-Allegheny lunatic asylum. Okay. Yeah, I was like, oh, damn, all these crazy haunted regions in the Midwest, you know, always like a bunch of stuff in there that's surprisingly intertwined.
01:30:06
Speaker
so what they found was that it was jerry-rigged to look like a bomb but it was actually a sex toy and a cell phone so that's why it came up in the list okay i'm trying to picture in my head i like cannot my imagining skills are not that good that's why i have a hard time even playing dungeons and dragons my imagination is ruined by television no
01:30:37
Speaker
Yeah, I don't, it didn't say what kind either. So it just, obviously the cell phone was used for the light. It seemed to like to me because it had the green light. I don't know. But it is. And I guess there was just probably a lot of duct tape involved and people get scared. Cylinder object duct tape cell phone. Yeah.
01:31:06
Speaker
And then he had like a vest maybe. Weird. But no explosives were found and the 35-year-old thief told police he had been desperate because he had just lost all his money in the stock market, unfortunately. Yeah.
01:31:22
Speaker
How sad for you. Yeah, go rob a bank about it. I know. It sucks. We're all broke. Yeah. Yes, honorable mentions of sex toy crimes from
01:31:39
Speaker
this and the previous story about the armed robbery was from a bustle.com article which was called man is accused of using a sex toy to rob a bank and other vibrator related crimes.
01:31:58
Speaker
by Leah Rose Emery. I just wanted to shout that out because yeah that's where I got like all the rest of these so I had to give credit where credit is due. Here they are summarized by me. One, Carolee Bilstein used a quote clear rigid feminine pleasure device to whack a cop repeatedly about the body. Love it.
01:32:28
Speaker
That's quite the description too. I bet it was a real hard one. And he had just been trying to arrest her. So obviously she was up to no good. And from what I looked up, the 56 year old was being arrested for dining and dashing. Cause I was like, what the hell was she like, you know, running away from?
01:32:56
Speaker
Yeah, not too bad. She should know better. Then the next one, number two, Kara Caffee also assaulted someone with a quote, battery operated vibrator, quote, her mother. And she hit her so hard that she broke the skin causing her to bleed from her head. Sorry, mom. She is. Right?
01:33:25
Speaker
Calm the fuck down. Uh, Claffy, 35, of New Mexico had assaulted her mother Cheryl. While she would admit they had been arguing at the time, her story was that her mother did it to herself. Okay. Okay. Whatever you say. Damn, lady. Yeah, I think they locked her up. They're like, no, no.
01:33:51
Speaker
Nae nae, we do not believe this. The next one happened in a Spencer's gifts, which as I understand, I guess it's American. Sort of like a joke shop where you can get different, when I looked it up online, cheesy gifts like lava lamps and bumper stickers, you know, that kind of stuff. Shot glasses. Oh, is it different than the Spencer's we have here?
01:34:18
Speaker
Oh, I don't know. I don't think I've been to one. Oh, they sell like t-shirts and like stuff for like TV shows, movies, and then they sell like gay gifts, but then they do sell like sex toys and stuff in the back.
01:34:34
Speaker
okay yes that is it yeah i didn't know my mom and i used to go in there my i'd go my mom would be like where do you want to go in the mall and we always went to millennium and then i'm like you want to go on a spend okay it is in the west Edmonton mall yes okay maybe i have seen it in there i didn't realize because i've like read it a couple times online where
01:34:59
Speaker
people are like, oh my God, Spencer's gifts. And like, it just seemed like it was a given that everyone knew what it was. And I was like, huh? Okay. Yeah, I think here we just call it Spencer's.
01:35:12
Speaker
Well, we had one novelty gift store, as online put it, and that was in the Fredericton Mall in New Brunswick, but it was just called The It Store. It's now out of business, apparently, I found out. But it's the same sort of deal.
01:35:35
Speaker
Yeah, so a misty Ann Lee, a lady, entered the store with her toddler in tow one day and was going out about her business shopping, la la la. And as they were leaving the store, the employees happened to notice an odd shaped object poking out from behind the little child. Oh no, don't use your child as a shield!
Humorous Anecdotes and Odd Laws
01:36:01
Speaker
It was a vibrator. She had stashed it in the stroller. And later she tried to come back for whatever reason, but they kicked her out again. Wow. Love it. Right? You're like, okay, I'll just come back later. Yeah, no lady. That's bad. And the next one happened to involve a one Mr. Bradley Cooper.
01:36:30
Speaker
The Bradley Cooper? Not of Marvel and movie fame. No. I would love if it did.
01:36:41
Speaker
But that's why it went viral when this 19-year-old bloke from England tried to steal a vibrating sex toy from a Tesco supermarket. He just happened to have that name. Well no, but it's true though. I process a lot more names now that I'm in the
01:37:03
Speaker
more processing department, I guess, where I'm doing license plates and whatever. And so, yeah, you don't realize how many like Michael Jackson's there are and like, yeah, literally the other day I sold tickets to a lady named Sharon Stone or like, and I, I restrained from saying anything myself. But then the lady, she was like, I might come back in a minute, get something else. And then I heard the lady next to me go a couple of minutes later. Oh, I got a celebrity. And I thought, oh, yeah, Sharon Stone's back.
01:37:34
Speaker
Yeah, it happens. Oh yeah, yeah. Then we get some fun ones because someone put in the chat that this last name was quite odd and it was Old Yellow Woman
01:37:54
Speaker
old yellow woman yes i swear some of them i they must probably be indigenous but they are just bizarre my mom when she worked at the workers compensation board she she was a supervisor of like filings there and she had when i don't think it was when she was a supervisor it was when she was doing something else there was a
01:38:21
Speaker
uh person there that was on like disability for workers comp and uh he was indigenous and his last name was standing in the road nice and but i don't know why i love it so much yeah it was standing in the road i can't remember what his first name was she would know um and but his claim was because he had been standing in the road and had gotten hit by a vehicle at work no oh my god
01:38:50
Speaker
Yeah, so it's kind of terrible. That's pretty bizarre. Or like, possibly suspicious. Well, she said that they had a different one that was like second cousins or first cousins that there was two or three of them that were working in a few different departments that one was submitting fake claims under different names and the other one was approving them.
01:39:15
Speaker
Stop. That shit is cray cray. I think that was either before or after she was working there. They caught that one, but yeah. I always remember COVID scammers that had to flee the United States because they like claimed a bunch of shit saying they were from a bunch of different countries and they like left their children behind. Oh my god. They just fled the country. Yeah. Anyway.
01:39:42
Speaker
I don't know much more, sorry. That's crazy though.
01:39:49
Speaker
People be nutty. Yeah. Speaking of nutty people, the last weird little crime, I guess, is Lisa Anderson, 47, a Waterton Watertown, New York resident, was arrested and charged after throwing a pink plastic penis at a cop and hit him in the head. Love it.
01:40:17
Speaker
Mine has only fun penis stuff. And they're pink and plastic. Yeah, it's like we've had a lot of that word. I didn't get to laugh at it because it was so horrible. Right? I omitted a whole lot about different seasonings and like recipes and I was like, I don't know. Do not ruin Montreal steak spice for me. No, nothing that technical.
01:40:46
Speaker
I was like, I don't need to know what you sprinkled on it. Thank you. Yeah, we all watched Hannibal. Okay, so this person was apparently at the home on the complaint of an unwanted person. She likely was the unwanted person in the home at 3am. She then hit Officer Jonathan Pitts in the forehead.
01:41:14
Speaker
And she was charged with a misdemeanor. Yeah. I like it. Y'all. Because that was...
01:41:27
Speaker
hmm three pages I included several strangers sex laws from a mental floss article by Tony Danelle okay cuz you can't stop me at three pages yeah not very much no it didn't seem like a lot I got done I was like oh damn um
01:41:55
Speaker
okay so these ones are basically from the states and then i found a very short list also from the can from from the canada from them canadians hey how about it i was listening to somebody today and they
01:42:13
Speaker
While I was impressed, they were telling a Canadian story, and she happened to look up and mention the fact that Ottawa was the capital. I was like, good for you. But then I did laugh wholeheartedly when they were like, and then they called 911, or whatever it is in Canada. And then the other one was like, I don't know. IXII, and I was like, oh my god.
01:42:40
Speaker
I'm dying. It's 9-1-1. Okay. But I get it. I think in the UK it's 9-9-9. Whatever. I was just gonna say, what's it in the UK? Yeah. I was trying to think of a sign or something. Yeah, the nines came from like when you actually had rotary phones. I don't think it actually matters anymore if you have nines. No. Anyway.
01:43:03
Speaker
Because it was like quicker to dial. Like the nine wasn't, you didn't have to go all the way around the circle thing. Does anyone know what rotary phones look like now? Oh yeah, because didn't it, was nine the one that was the first one like above the spot or was it the last one? What order do they go in?
01:43:26
Speaker
Well, you'd have to go 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. So you'd have to like go all the way, yeah, almost around in a circle to get to the 9. Yeah, so the quickest would be like 1, 0, 1. If you couldn't start with it. Yeah, that's true. To be fair. To be fair. To be fair. Oh, God, there's a hair stuck between my biggies. OK.
01:43:54
Speaker
Weird sex laws. So number one, it's illegal to quote seduce and debauch an unmarried woman in Michigan. Really? How else do they become married? Right. Poor women in Michigan. Yeah, not enforced maybe.
01:44:19
Speaker
well okay this is an old law it's been since 1931 you could get up to five years in jail
01:44:30
Speaker
So it is vague, it is stupid, but also a little bit sinister because apparently the thing I clicked on said it had been used as a loophole to avoid worse punishments. And it referenced a case in 2017 where some guys like used it to kind of get off a sexual assault case.
01:44:58
Speaker
because like if they could plead this charge they only got five years of seducing and debauching rather than like rape is what they should have been charged with basically yeah yeah no they need to get rid of it it doesn't even make sense no
01:45:17
Speaker
Yeah, that one's not so fun, so mine's not all. Mine's guns and roses. Mine's not all butterflies. Okay, number two. It's technically illegal to flirt in Haddon Township, New Jersey.
01:45:34
Speaker
sort of sort of well and again these are all like i did not i think most of these i just quoted straight from basically so but yeah it was uh that you could be punished for approaching quote any person of the opposite sex unknown to such person and by word sign or gesture attempts attempts to speak to or become acquainted with such person against his will
01:46:05
Speaker
Oh, so it's really about unwanted flirting or even communication. Yeah. You know what? Yeah, it's supposed to be more against like, yeah, unwanted advances and stuff. But like, it doesn't, it doesn't say like, unwanted advances, it just says like, communication. So it's like, just anybody you don't want to talk to you that you don't know you can have arrested is kind of great. I would love that.
01:46:31
Speaker
I think it's one of those things that's too much of a gray area that you can't really police it. I don't know you. I don't want to talk to you. Arrest them. Yeah. Who is there upholding this? Yeah. In the next one, in Texas, the possession of more than six dildos is prohibited. How did they come up with that number? That's what I want to know. I know. Don't you know from personal experience?
01:47:02
Speaker
um but quote a texas statute known as the obscene device law declares that a crime to possess six or more obscene devices or identical or similar obscene articles wow oh my god these this is still part of the larger quote infernal devices include dildos
01:47:29
Speaker
That was the name of that second Shadowhunter book series. I was gonna say. I was gonna ask if that was one of the Shadowhunter books. I did not notice that the first time. Oh my god. Love it. It's a good name. I like it.
01:47:54
Speaker
All right folks, so in Texas you can legally own more guns and display them in public than you can sex toys as some dildo wielding campaigners have pointed out. End quote. I think I heard about this one. More guns. Wow. Yeah, they were. Yeah.
01:48:17
Speaker
They were doing some parade or something and everybody was wielding sex toys and stuff.
01:48:25
Speaker
Really the better weapon for not killing people. Probably the bad cop's head apparently. Well. Repeatedly. But at least the cop lived, right? It's better than a gun. But yeah, it's it's wow. Oh man. Okay, the next one was you can't get married in Nebraska if either partner has a sexually transmitted disease. So...
01:48:53
Speaker
It's apparently rarely enforced and will hopefully likely be repealed because like, wow, that's pretty outdated and harsh. Yeah. I remember hearing that in Mexico or something you have to... Oh. Yeah, somewhere in that area you have to get like blood tests basically done to check that and then to check like that you aren't related or something.
01:49:22
Speaker
It wasn't me and somebody I know was getting married there or was going to and then they were telling me about the groundwork and stuff that they had to get done while they were there. It's very popular to have a destination wedding for Canadians almost as much as I'm sure it is for Americans.
01:49:42
Speaker
It just always seems much more complicated. I heard a lot about that in travel where it's like if you get married here, well some places you're just fine. You just have to go to the registries, but other places you have to like get married in your own stage or province first and then go there just to make it more easily legal. You know what I mean? Cause like,
01:50:04
Speaker
yeah it had to do with the laws anyway boring um so yeah hopefully they get rid of that one or they don't enforce it because i that's a bit outdated now you can definitely live with um an std yeah there's a lot of treatment that makes it like untransmittable oh exactly
01:50:30
Speaker
And then in North Carolina, it's illegal to live with a partner if the couple is unmarried. Duh duh duh. North Carolina. Shame, shame, oh shame. It's one of five states apparently. Virginia, West Virginia, Michigan, and Mississippi also.
01:50:55
Speaker
where the living in sin statute as they call it for a nickname still exists yeah that made me laugh a lot because i was like yeah it's a great name for like a legal law living in sin oh totally
01:51:12
Speaker
Sounds like a movie title. Oh, I would be guilty of that if that was in Alberta. We're not technically married. Fuck you laws. Okay. You've been living in sin for like 15 years. Oh, my friends are bastards. No. Some of my best friends. Um,
01:51:38
Speaker
I think Pat's one of the only people I know that his parents are still together. It's like, whoa, what? And yours. Yeah, my parents are together. No, it's true. No, no, your parents seem cute. They're in their like mid 60s and are almost but not quite like high school sweethearts. They've been together like 40.
01:52:06
Speaker
Over 40 years, like 45 years. Yeah. That's pretty crazy, hey? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that could be me and Pat, because I was a young adult when we got together. But you gotta grow together. Yes, you do. No, I can't think of your parents since mid-60s, just like I almost can't think of my parents as. It's like, what?
01:52:33
Speaker
Yeah, my parents do not seem like they're like my dad's retiring next month.
01:52:39
Speaker
like yeah i definitely met your dad at least once when we both still work at the same office and he was just like so happy go lucky like dad i don't know if he told a dad joke but he just had that kind of jovial personality just always smiling and stuff yeah he seems really fun yeah that's the the most important thing i think is people's outlook keep you young at heart right
01:53:09
Speaker
I know, it's whatever. I would get used to get mistaked for a little bit older when I was my teens, like I'd be like 13, 14, they'd be like, you're 16, right? And I'd be like, no, but I have boobs.
01:53:25
Speaker
And then like now I'm like gonna be 35 next year and like I'll come into the like liquor store or the weed store and be like hey let's go get some of this and like I don't know if what I'm wearing or something else they'll be like can I see your ID and I like show to them like you're just gonna look at the year and be like 1990 something and be like okay
01:53:50
Speaker
You're obviously over 21. You only have to be 18 in Alberta, and I still get carded some places. I have the exact same problem. When I was a teenager, everybody thought I was in my early 20s, and then when I hit my mid 20s, when I started at my job when I was 25, I got mistaken for 16 ones.
01:54:19
Speaker
And I was like, are you kidding me? I got mistaken for 16 by an 18 year old. She thought, and then, yeah, not even just like adults, but like people thought it was their age. And I was like, no, I'm like 11 years older than you. Like, no. Well, did you have your hair kind of like the shorter then? Because I was like, I don't know. Yeah. There's some Instagram photos where like a couple of years ago and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.
01:54:47
Speaker
Or like, I don't know how long ago they are, but then I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, she looks a few years younger there. Yeah. Kind of the more like baby face or whatever. Yeah, that's the thing. I always have to go out of my way to tell my managers, even recently, I had to tell one of the most 27 and she was like, oh my god, you're a year younger than me? And I was like, yeah. And then she's like, oh my god, I thought you were like 21. And I was like, no, I'm 27.
01:55:15
Speaker
Well, and the funny part is, I don't know, I guess every year we get older you realize that that's not even that much of a difference. Yeah. Yeah. It's so, like, arbitrary. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm going to practice the last one. Oh, a little bit. Okay. Many U.S. states still have laws against adultery and fornication. And I was like, okay, you can try.
01:55:46
Speaker
I hate the word fornication. Fornication. Californication. Alright. Yeah, no thanks. In South Carolina, a false promise of marriage can land you in jail. That's how it is in South Carolina, where, quote, seduction under promise of marriage is a misdemeanor punishable with a fine or imprisonment for up to a year.
01:56:18
Speaker
Okay. Who made up that law? Oh, woman. That sounds like such a specific scenario to have like one law form. He's taking the time to prosecute these things, yeah. He said he was gonna marry me. It was before they had soap operas, I guess. Yeah.
01:56:43
Speaker
um oh yeah number eight if we're counting on this list is uh don't teach anyone about polygamy in mississippi and then i put like the parks and rec straight to jail yes i love that freaking clip from parks and rec where they come to visit ponny as the sister city he's like
01:57:07
Speaker
You do this in my country, straight to jam. Driving too fast, straight to jam. Too slow. I do not remember that. Oh my god. It's like a gift now. Yeah, I need to rewatch it. It's Fred Armisen. Oh, okay. I love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, and I figured if they're doing some sort of delegation, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's like, you do this in my country, you go to jam. No questions.
01:57:37
Speaker
Uh, number nine, don't flaunt your booby pillows in Kern County, California, not near the highway. Because I guess the lawmakers of Kern County, California have a real issue with the public sale of articles depicting female breasts. In particular, they abhor the sale of objects known as booby pillows.
01:58:02
Speaker
I don't even know what those are, but all I can picture in my head is those long shirts that you buy on vacation that make it look like you're wearing a bikini. Do you know the ones?
01:58:18
Speaker
Just like shitty travel shirts. It's like the ones that make you look like you're wearing a tuxedo, but not really. They don't really make you look like that. No, it has like a fake silhouette of a lady's body and then it'll be like a fake bikini on it. I do not know what these pillows are they're referencing.
01:58:37
Speaker
I may have tried to Google it and taken one for the team, but I did not get very far Googling booby pillows. Probably something to do with weird anime. Oh yeah, they're definitely, they're supposed to just, like they said, look like boobs in some capacity, but God. California.
01:59:08
Speaker
It's just like Vegas in ways. Yeah, why can't California be chill? What's going on there? Why aren't they allowed to sell their booby pillows? Who is it hurting? According to the law, the sale of booby pillows along public highways is a species of indecency and vulgarity which cannot be ignored or controlled by passers-by.
01:59:35
Speaker
Vendors can't sell or even display booby pillows within 1,000 feet of a highway Doing so could earn them a $500 fine or a 90 dasted in the county jail Wow Don't even try it All right and to top it all off a few fun ones from the
02:00:04
Speaker
article about Canadian sex laws, the top 10 weirdest sex laws and facts in Canada by Katie Thorne. That's where I got the one about the 1969, um, the fun fact I started it off with. Canada. What? Ours are much better. Um, mostly.
02:00:35
Speaker
Oh, how did I start the first one? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi. One in five Canadians said they had taken part in a menage à trois, and another 29% said they were interested. Awkward. Fun fact for you to bring up at your next family gathering. No, thanks. Hard pass.
02:01:02
Speaker
Then we have anal sex is legal in Canada, but only between those over 18 provided no more than two people are present. That got way too specific. Just be sure. I guess we can't have anal pornos. There would be a lot more than the two people present.
02:01:28
Speaker
Yeah, but I'll have you know. What? That's so weird. More than two people press. Like I get 18, like okay. Yes. But like more than two people press. You may like this next part. The three provinces that have struck this down as unconstitutional are Ontario, Quebec, and Alberta. BC can't do it.
02:01:57
Speaker
We're like, EC's not into the butt sex? I don't know. But Alberta is? Alberta's the, like, basically part of the Bible Belt of Canada. I feel like. Those fucking crazy cowboys. Yeah, butt stuff. Don't we also have, like, a lot of Mormons and stuff? Yes. Wait, what is that? I don't know. Does that mean anything? I don't know what I'm saying.
02:02:25
Speaker
I have no idea. I can't comment on butt stuff in Mormons. I can just comment on the fact that there's a lot of Mormons. Oh my god, oh my god. I think someone asked me if I was Mormon when I found out my last name was Peters and I was like, no, I'm not from here, but okay. Now there's a lot of Mormons. Okay.
02:02:51
Speaker
Okay, so this is where the the other one came
Canadian Laws and Cultural Norms
02:02:54
Speaker
from. In 1969, then Justice Minister and future Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau famously said, quote, there's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation. End quote. Yeah, he did. Everybody loved him. He was like the
02:03:15
Speaker
What was it? As my one high school social teacher said, he's like, yeah, Pierre Trudeau was the sexiest prime minister of Canada. Everyone was like, look at him. And there was all this stuff about ladies throwing themselves at him and him being like, really? Yeah.
02:03:40
Speaker
I wonder if that's because he fucks as well as like he was good for the actual political climate. I feel like that's why people either think like his son Justin Trudeau or Prime Minister right now either you're like ooh la la or you're like fuck him he sucks.
02:04:05
Speaker
It was because of his dad. I teeter because yeah I know I hear a lot about his politics and how that sucks and then like you look at him trying to just you know kind of posture and look good and you're like well yeah you're not attractive but that's not kind of what your job is but yeah no his dad does seem cool
02:04:30
Speaker
So the rest of that was about, he said, there's no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, which like, listen up, American Congress. No. But he created the bill that decriminalized homosexuality and legalized abortion and contraception. Good. It's like pretty cool. No wonder everybody liked him.
02:04:58
Speaker
And then also fun fact, which is completely different than the previous one, nearly 10% of Canadians confess to having had sex in a canoe. A senior researcher commented, I don't personally know anyone who's had sex in a canoe or even how you'd go about that, but I do know canoe usage is quite high in North America.
02:05:26
Speaker
Yeah. A senior researcher in what? Canoe sex. Yeah, I don't know. Rock the boat. I've never, I don't even think I've ever gotten in a canoe.
02:05:48
Speaker
When I visited, oh my god, when I visited mom in 2020 we were on a lake in a cabin and she took a picture of me when we were canoeing and so it's just me from the back in a canoe. Oh yeah, that's a cool pic. I remember that picture, yeah. I've been in like a little motorboat kind of thing.
02:06:12
Speaker
Yeah, I like canoes. You're definitely very much, yeah, right there with the water like a little paddle boat or something. You're almost like, yeah, and he falls smooth and I'm going in. Yeah, we were on this lake and it was...
02:06:31
Speaker
some North Lake in New Brunswick and so I think it was must have been right on the border to Maine because if we went too far down the lake and the river and stuff then it was like okay no no down there is America we don't want to get down too far to canoe all the way back here yeah your arms get too tired yeah you could like see American flags it's so weird that like I think
02:06:58
Speaker
they probably tried to, you know, say the borders in the middle of the lake or something. It's like, okay, yeah, tell the fish that or whatever. Borders. Okay. Oh yeah, we're almost done. So as of a 2005 Supreme Court ruling, swingers clubs or clubs that allow group sex and partner swapping do not harm Canadian society and should not be considered criminal.
02:07:30
Speaker
That's good. I mean, like, what the people do what they fuck wanna do. Exactly. I was like, wait, was that part of a larger sentence? No, it was just that fact. It said, should you be curious which clubs this was specifically in reference to? Check out LaRage in Montreal. Okay.
02:07:52
Speaker
Another fun fact was that the average Canadian spends 37 minutes on foreplay and sex per session.
02:08:06
Speaker
I don't know. Overall, I guess it sounds about right. And as of 1991, it is legal for women to be topless in Ontario after a college student was fined for taking your shirt off on a hot day and challenged the $75 ticket. Nice.
02:08:30
Speaker
I forgot about this one. It was determined that being shirtless is not an inherently sexual act and therefore does not fall under indecent exposure. Hell yeah! Was it like completely like no bra nothing or just to a bra that if she's topless? Hard to say but like I do kind of
02:08:56
Speaker
know that we've been conditioned to have women tops for so long and like we've always had to cover up so much that I feel like part of this is you know our like Puritan background because then you like see the African tribes and you're like well fuck they can just have their boobs out and they don't give a shit but yeah it's so crazy it's like
02:09:19
Speaker
how like you can't just go around here with no top on people would still probably say something or do something oh yeah yeah they give you like a side eye look if you aren't wearing a bra with a shirt and they're like oh right oh yeah you're not allowed um i mean i don't know i guess i'm kind of a weird take on it because there's sometimes when i'm like
02:09:49
Speaker
maybe i don't want to see your giant nipples when i'm going to a little science thing with my like kid when we went to the tell us world of silence and the like hippie lady was wearing the whitest dress and she just like had the giantest areolas but like i don't know maybe i'm being a prude
02:10:07
Speaker
Right? Like, my kid didn't seem to remember it or care. She just told me that one time she went on, like, saw sex on YouTube and I was like, well, in my day you've accidentally saw porno on a magazine, so it's different. Yeah. You try and police the internet from them, but there's only so much you can do. Yeah.
02:10:35
Speaker
Oh god. Okay. Does not unfall under indecent exposure. Okay. Last two. Sex in public is illegal despite roughly 49% of Canadians admitting to having done it. But a judge in 1981 ruled in favor of a couple having a late night tryst in their car as, quote, it is obvious the accused did not want to be seen.
02:11:03
Speaker
I mean, they were in their car. Yeah, it's at least semi-private. Leave them the hell alone. It's not like they're like the middle of the road going at it. No, exactly. I mean, middle of the field, nobody can probably see you.
02:11:25
Speaker
And finally, Canadian men have an average of 23 partners in their lifetime, compared with 21 in Spain, 19 in Italy, 17 in France, and 13 in the US. Wow, that's quite a breakdown. Sorry, the first one was Canadian? Yeah, 23 partners. Per Canadian man, I guess.
02:11:55
Speaker
Apparently they fuck. And Canadian women say they have 10 partners, also more than their counterparts in those countries, according to this article. I know, interesting. Yeah, I've noticed I've heard ones online that are like,
02:12:17
Speaker
of all the world, um, Swedish girls or like their culture, they're more likely to be open about sex. And I was like, I haven't found that to be true. And I had a friend who lives in Sweden and was living in Canada here and was like, no, we're just not prudes about talking about it kind of thing. And I was like, yeah, that's different. Yeah, that's totally different. It is, it is. But it's interesting because like,
02:12:46
Speaker
It does feel like you'll talk to people from different countries, Europe, Africa, Asia, whatever. And some countries are just like, what the hell? You're like, you guys are afraid to talk about that? Or you can't talk about sex? I don't know. It's so weird how it's treated so differently across different cultures. I don't know. Yeah. There's a lot of things, though, that get treated so differently. Oh, for sure. And also, I'm just like,
02:13:16
Speaker
Hell yeah. Go Canadian men, I guess. And end women. Yeah, yeah. Also, I recently heard that... Well, it's this actress. I was listening to a podcast and they brought up... Oh, she was Stiffler's mom, an American pie. That's probably what everyone would know her from. Oh, yeah.
02:13:44
Speaker
Yeah, she's... For me it's a Cinderella story with Hilary Duff. Oh really? Yeah, where she was like the stepmother of like the quote-unquote ugly stepsisters for Hilary Duff to be. Yes, that's her name. I like her. She's funny. I like her too, but I also picture her from Legally Blonde. What? Legally Blonde. Oh okay, okay, okay. See, I was gonna say, um, there's an Adam Sandler movie she's in, um,
02:14:13
Speaker
uh click and she's in first and she's friends with um kate beckinsale his wife's character who by the way pat has such a crush on kate beckinsale that's his
02:14:25
Speaker
movie star girlfriend. But yeah, she's like, oh, nobody likes me. I have such Slavic cheekbones. And she's also in Gravity Falls as Lazy Susan, by the way, which is hilarious. But
02:14:46
Speaker
Shit, yes. Oh yeah, they said that she had got so many propositions and stuff after being in America Pie as Stiffler's mom that she had like been with over like 200 guys or something. And they were kind of like, get it girl. Yeah.
02:15:06
Speaker
I was like, wow, yeah, okay. You do you, right? I'm sure there's guy stars that have done all sorts of the same kind of things. Oh, yeah. Right. Anywho, that was kinky crimes. We better shut her off here. Yeah, it's gonna be a long episode once this gets added.
02:15:32
Speaker
It'll be like another two hours. I can't remember the last time we had like an hour and a half long episode. It's been a while. Eh. Yeah. I thought the last one was gonna be long though. It was only two hours. Which wasn't it. It's not that bad. But we'll see you next time for 70s strangeness. Yes. Yeah, all the weird.
02:16:03
Speaker
I have to figure out what I'm covering. And then you can check out our Patreon for the month. August is going to be Axe Crimes. Yes, that is coming up next for our Patreon update. It is coming. It will join all the rest of the good stuff that you can find on patreon.com slash castles and cryptids.
02:16:32
Speaker
Yes. And don't forget to ring that bell. No just kidding. But you can like and review.
02:16:45
Speaker
well and you can yeah you can rate um on good pots and spotify which 50% of you listen to us on yes so five stars would be greatly appreciated it really helps us grow and we'll catch you next time yes thanks for listening bye keep it cryptic
02:17:09
Speaker
Oooooh
02:17:30
Speaker
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02:17:42
Speaker
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02:18:11
Speaker
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