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The Holidays Can Suck For These Men, But Don't Have To | Ep. #38
54 Plays4 years ago
The holiday season is normally chaulked full of festivities that create life-long memories. They are a time to be thankful, celebrate, and share with one another, all of which are some of the most beautiful qualities life has to offer.
But for some men, this time of year is horrible. It brings up pain, old trauma, and isolation. I'm talking specifically for men who are single dads.
Today is nothing more than a short, heartfelt conversation meant to let you know I see your pain, you're not alone, and you have the ability to finish this year strong.
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Transcript
Men's Complex Emotions and Stereotypes
00:00:00
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Fathers' Holiday Challenges
00:00:29
Speaker
Today I want to speak to the dads who maybe this last week was really rough and really hard because you don't get to spend time with your kids. Maybe part of the holidays, maybe all the holidays, maybe you hardly get to see your children and the memories that are made. I think for a lot of us, we focus and rightly so,
00:00:55
Speaker
on how the holidays are a festive time and a positive time.
00:01:01
Speaker
But let's be honest at the end of COVID, everybody's a little bit tired. Everybody's a little bit weary. And then you throw on top of that men who they love their kids. They long to be with their kids. They long to create and share those memories, but aren't able to for a variety of reasons. I'm not going to get into those reasons. I just want to speak to you men.
00:01:27
Speaker
who Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, it's some of the hardest times. And I just want you to know, one, I understand and feel and connect to and empathize with your pain because I'm currently divorced.
Personal Pain vs. Children's Joy
00:01:43
Speaker
And I know what that feels like. I know the longing to celebrate certain holidays and not be able to for a variety of reasons.
00:01:55
Speaker
I know the pain that's almost hard to articulate that comes with having to hear from your kids about memories that they've created with their mom or their dad.
00:02:12
Speaker
And you genuinely celebrate them. You know, I was talking to my kids on FaceTime and they got to do some really fun stuff with their mom and that side of the family. And I was happy for them. I really am. I love nothing more than to see my kids be happy. And at the exact same time, my heart was breaking deep down inside because I was not there.
00:02:41
Speaker
Not in a selfish way, but in this deep desire to be able to share those memories with my children. And if you find yourself in that place, I just want to first and foremost say it's okay. It's okay to acknowledge the fact that you're both really happy for them. And you're also in a lot of pain.
00:03:06
Speaker
to be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge how much it sucks.
00:03:15
Speaker
And yet understand the reality and the fact that you trying to weigh in or add your pain to their experience does nothing for them. It doesn't help them if you react or respond and anything other than positivity. When they're sharing their holiday memories with you that you didn't get to be a part of.
00:03:39
Speaker
It's actually really selfish to try to twist it or to ask about mom or to ask about things that maybe you're just not in the position or the place to to know anymore.
Creating a Safe Space for Children
00:03:53
Speaker
You know, I've adopted the approach not just for the holidays, but with my kids in general is.
00:04:01
Speaker
I am available and want to hear anything that they want to share, but I'm not going to dig or use them as the middle person to try to manipulate or weasel my way back into my ex's life. I drew that hard line in the sand.
00:04:22
Speaker
And another one that was really, really freaking hard to do, especially going through the divorce, but still carries forward is this is something that my mom said to me years ago.
00:04:37
Speaker
related to my dad when they got a divorce, because I would ask point blank questions. I'm the straight shooter, no BS. Look, mom, I know that you want to say something. What about this with dad? Whatever. And her response was always, I'm not going to share with you things that I think could negatively impact your relationship with your dad. I want you to have your own relationship with your dad.
00:05:02
Speaker
not influenced by my pain, not influenced by my relationship with your dad. And I got to tell you, that is way easier said than done, but it's really fruitful too.
00:05:18
Speaker
Because if you're man enough to take the posture to be the safe haven for your kids to come knowing that they're not going to be stuck in the middle and they can just share whatever they want. Over time, it's building trust. Over time, it's building connection.
00:05:42
Speaker
And time is the most honest, unbiased, quote unquote person when it comes to who's wrong or who's right. Because just like in my relationship with my mom and my relationship with my dad, time showed me in my own relationship with my mom and my dad, the areas that were hurtful or painful or there was missteps or they took ownership or didn't take ownership, whatever it was.
00:06:14
Speaker
But I found that out for myself. I didn't have it interjected from my mom because that would have been tainted. It would have been coming with that pain from the past. And that's not fair to me. And she's, she always told me, she just said, you know, I considered this as my act of love, my sacrifice for my kids, because that's what it is. Everything in you, at least in me and other people I've talked to,
00:06:45
Speaker
You want to know, you want to know what's going on. You're curious. You're still hurt. You want to interject yourself, whatever it may be, but to withhold that and just celebrate the good that maybe the holidays are some of the only times that are good for them. But to be safe and to be available, to not be judgmental, to be celebratory,
00:07:17
Speaker
And then to take the pain side of it and still be honest with that. You know, I got on the phone with some friends and had a good cry and I had a really good cry with myself of just how, you know what, this sucks and it's not fair and it's painful and I hate
Processing Divorce and Healing
00:07:37
Speaker
it. And it shows to me one more reason why I absolutely fucking hate divorce. I hate it with a passion.
00:07:46
Speaker
But this is the hand that life has dealt me and it's okay. It's okay that it's not fair. It's okay to let my heart grieve that it's okay to let my body process through the energy that comes with the pain to release that and to let that go. So part of being a strong man is being willing to
00:08:11
Speaker
wrestle with that internally with yourself and to put that part on pause to celebrate your kids, especially during these holiday seasons. But I don't want you to hear that doing that is more important than acknowledging the pain, acknowledging the loneliness, acknowledging the sting that comes from not being able to see your kids.
00:08:41
Speaker
not being able to create those memories. And I want you to know it doesn't make you a bad man. It doesn't make you a bad dad. It doesn't make you less than. Do not let those lies start to creep into your mind or into your heart.
00:09:01
Speaker
But no, stand firm in knowing the fact that you feel the pain. The fact that you are even wrestling with that shows that your heart is for your kids. It shows that you love them. Like if you didn't love them, you wouldn't feel that.
00:09:19
Speaker
That's the sting and the pain of love that comes at times when you happen to be a single dad. And maybe it's not divorce. Maybe you lost your spouse or lost their mom to a sickness.
00:09:35
Speaker
Divorce has been the journey that I've walked through, but there's a variety of reasons why you may not be able to celebrate the holidays the way that you envisioned or that you had as your, as a child that you want to pass on to your kids. But now you do get to still choose. How do you respond to that?
Building New Memories Post-Divorce
00:09:59
Speaker
For me, I'm creating my own memories. I'm creating my own,
00:10:06
Speaker
experiences with my kids. I'm talking to my brothers about what did, you know, what did we do growing up that we really liked that I want to pass on to my kids. And I've done some of that within my marriage. But for me, this Christmas is coming Christmas. It's the first time having my kids on Christmas since the divorce. And this last week for Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving I did not have them.
00:10:35
Speaker
And so this is really fresh on my heart and fresh on my mind for a lot of reasons, but especially because I'm going through it myself. And I know that if I'm going through it, there's a really good chance that some of you are too. So do what you need to, to process through that pain, to be grounded in those moments and not be reactionary when your kids are excited and telling you about things.
00:11:06
Speaker
to be a dad who loves them and is willing to carry the pain and the burden at the times that you need to and not pull them into it. That is loving them to carry that weight, to process through that pain. And lastly, to do what you can to celebrate in the ways that you're able to in the midst of all this craziness that's going on,
00:11:37
Speaker
You can still create memories that they look back on and not just we're all hunkering down and waiting for 2020 to get over. Cause good God, not finish the year strong, finish the year strong and show up for your kids.
00:11:52
Speaker
and still create memories that they can look back on and say 2020 wasn't just a crazy isolation, pandemic, horrible year, but Christmas is really special too. You can do that. You have that in you, but you have to make a conscious choice to pivot.
00:12:10
Speaker
to lean into creating those experiences instead of just hunkering down or letting the pain overcome your heart to where then you get stuck into this isolation or overwhelmed state that you want to run and hide from. Show up for yourself and show up for your kids and finish this year strong.
00:12:34
Speaker
Also be willing to process that pain and be real with it because it is real and it is there. And lastly, you're not alone. You are not alone in that pain. I may not know you personally, but I know the pain.
00:12:57
Speaker
And so rest in that. If nothing else, if you say, Josh, I don't have anyone. There's nobody I can call. There's nobody I could reach out. Literally send me an email. I don't care. I want you to know that you're not alone in that pain. You're not alone in that hardship. And you're also not alone in the ability to show up for your kids and for yourself.
00:13:23
Speaker
So do what you need to do to stay grounded and to finish this year strong.