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What Exactly is "Your Heart"... and Why it Matters with Blair Reynolds | Ep. #22
58 Plays4 years ago
Today marks a significant moment in the history of this podcast because we have our first guest!
Blair Reynolds is the founder of LifeConsultingCourse.com and BusinessConsultingCourse.com, is the host on How to Life Good podcast, and is a life consultant in Redding, CA. He has been consulting individuals in business and personal transformation for over ten years.
We breakdown in detail what your heart is, why living from your heart is such a big deal for us men, how to connect to it (whether you feel connected or not), and what to do when your heart feels scared.
I wanted to make sure the first guest was someone who would blow your mind with what they have to offer... this episode won't disappoint.
URL's
Host: JoshCearbaugh.com
Podcast: MultifacetedMasculinity.com
12 Week Course: Jumpstartyourlife.com
Free 15 Minute Consultation: Click Here
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Transcript
Introduction to Masculinity
00:00:00
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
00:00:29
Speaker
To say that I am excited about today's episode would be an understatement. And that's because hopefully for you guys, you have found some people in your life that really champion you and believe in you in the moments that you don't believe in yourself. And today we have our very first guest and that guest is one of those people in my life.
00:00:50
Speaker
This podcast would definitely not exist or it not for my friend Blair Reynolds. And the depth, the wisdom, the insight, the experience, the anointing that he brings to the table is really unlike anyone else that I've met. And I'm not just saying that because he's one of my closest friends. I'm saying that because of the impact that he has made on my life. So.
00:01:14
Speaker
Today we are going to be diving into getting connected to your heart. What the heck does that even mean? And how to really, as men, live from that place and not just make it a concept that sounds really good on Instagram, but an integral part of our lives.
00:01:31
Speaker
So if you haven't already, go ahead and click subscribe or leave a review. Those mean the world to me and they really do help get the message out for healthy masculinity, which is what this is all about.
Welcoming Blair Reynolds
00:01:44
Speaker
All right, without further ado, let's go ahead and dive into the conversation with Blair Reynolds.
00:02:00
Speaker
So today, today's a special day actually. Now that I think about it, every day you could cliche-a-ly say cliche-a-ly say it's special. But today is actually a really special day for me. And that's because today is the first guest that I'm having on my podcast. I've been doing twice a week for the last three or four months now. And, um,
00:02:27
Speaker
I did it on purpose for a variety of reasons, which we don't need to get into today, but first guest is a big deal to me. And I figured I would, there's no better person to be the first guest than probably the one person that has contributed the most to my own process in helping me get to where I am today. Where is Laura?
00:02:53
Speaker
And that's kind of how the day's going to go today.
Blair's Life Consulting and Emotional Healing
00:03:00
Speaker
My guest happens to be incredibly irreverent. He has no tact. But he is a good person. He has a good heart, some might say.
00:03:10
Speaker
We're guaranteed to get the honest opinion of things. Yeah, that's true. And so that's good. But yeah, so today Blair Reynolds is the man of the hour. I don't think it'll be an hour, but the man of the hour. And yeah, Blair, for those of you that don't know him, has a life consulting practice like I do. He has, well, why don't you go ahead and just start the conversation. You can, we'll wrap it up too, but what exactly do you have going on in your life and what do you do for a living?
00:03:41
Speaker
I work. I work a lot. And I like working a lot. Working a lot is kind of fun. I wouldn't call myself a workaholic because I take naps and I go for walks and whatnot in the middle of the day. I feel like that gives me an excuse, right? Yeah. But I don't like Netflix and Hulu so much. I watch some, but I'm like, eh, I'd prefer to work.
00:04:02
Speaker
So I do all the menial stuff even though I do some of the top level stuff too. What do I do? Okay, what do I do? I'm a life consultant, first and foremost, like that's my bread and butter. That's where I get my insights, revelations, experience, et cetera with emotional healing. I have a podcast called How to Life Good and intentionally poor grammar.
00:04:23
Speaker
I have a course by the same name, How to Life Good, and basically I like writing stuff. I like curriculums. They're kind of my favorite thing to produce. There's one other thing you have too. A dog.
00:04:37
Speaker
Not that I know of and I just stayed at your house I couldn't tell if you were trying to read my desires. No, you also have a high-level advanced Masterclass. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that kind of goes more. It's it's more exclusive smaller group. I'm like, yeah Yeah, yeah that too. I forgot about that more in depth. What exactly is that mastermind?
00:04:56
Speaker
and basically it's eight to 10 people taking through 12 weeks of top level, the whole arc of life consulting training. Because life consulting is sort of the wild west, you know this. So life coaching is kind of defined, therapy is defined. Life consulting is this broad shotgun, what the hell are we doing kind of thing? We're all Mavericks, right? And so this is kind of trying to train people up and define it and help create protective safeguards, but also explain the paradigms behind it. Paradigms, principles, modalities, that kind of stuff.
00:05:25
Speaker
with really practical application as well. That's the idea. Yeah. That's the hope. Yeah. Yeah. You're good at the practical. Yeah. I mean, the way that I've described it to life consulting the people that don't ask what the hell is it, is I normally say if life coaching and deep, deep inner healing had a baby. Through sex. I didn't witness that part of it, but all I know is the baby showed up. Okay. Got it. Got it.
00:05:51
Speaker
Wow, that's like what you tell a three-year-old version of the sex story, is mommy and daddy love each other and baby. Baby showed up. And then it happens. Here you are. Yeah, I like that. You said deep emotional healing mixed with life coaching. Yeah, because life coaching is often more asking good questions, putting together goals, game plan, practical side of things. And then counseling has a broad spectrum, but works more kind of in inner healing, working in your past, subconscious life kind of stuff.
00:06:18
Speaker
Really, at least in my approach, it's the broad spread of both of those. That's good. I like that. I've got a nuanced definition of life consulting. This is only a subcategory. I use the idea of, we call it consulting because it's like business consulting. Business consulting, you bring into a business because you need help seeing what you're not seeing. The idea with life consulting is the same.
00:06:40
Speaker
Hey, I have blind spots in my life. I don't know what to do. Because sometimes in life coaching, they say, only ask questions, never be directive. Yeah, yeah. Dude, no. Yeah. I ain't going to ask you questions for eight weeks when I dang well know there's a very obvious answer that's staring you in the face. You know, that stuff kills me. Yeah. So don't fence me in, basically.
00:07:00
Speaker
Well, I won't fence you in in this conversation. Thanks. We have, when I used to live in Redding, California, which is where your practice is out of, I used to have an office here and did life consulting for a handful of years and we gave each other nicknames. Yeah. And mine was the sledgehammer for not as violent of a reason. Yes, it was. Oh, well. Emotionally violent.
00:07:27
Speaker
but helpful too. Oh, very helpful. Because it sounds destructive. Everything is a compliment in disguise. So I will call Josh a freak. I'll say his gifting is sick. He's just stupid, good at this, like all those kind of things. Yeah. Total compliment. Even the sledgehammer. I'm like, yeah, it sounds really mean, but I mean it as a very violent compliment.
00:07:47
Speaker
Yeah. Of cutting to the core of truth, basically. Well, and unmasking people. Yeah. Cutting through like 17 layers of walls that they thought were really thick, and then you hit the tender, gooey middle, which they never thought anybody would touch. Yeah. Yeah. And that's very confusing and frustrating.
00:08:06
Speaker
Disorienting, I think is what it is initially. Yeah, yeah. Because you love it and you're like, but what just happened? I'm angry. Yeah. Yeah.
Understanding the Heart
00:08:13
Speaker
So that was my nickname. Yours was the heart surgeon or is this, I guess you're still the heart surgeon. Sure. I'll take it. I still see you as the heart surgeon. It's a good moniker.
00:08:23
Speaker
And that's because Blair has such a unique ability to understand someone's heart, connect them to their heart, actually activate their ability to essentially live life from their heart in a healthy way. Not in somebody who is overly introspective and everything's emotional and you're just, all you're doing is self-diagnosing.
00:08:52
Speaker
not in that way but actually in ways that produce healthy relationships or even business strategy all that kind of stuff it's all through the lens of or largely through the lens of the heart and so that's why we call you the heart surgeon that's really what i want to take some time talking about today cool i love it is so i love it the starting point of that then is
00:09:14
Speaker
What exactly is the heart when we say live from your heart or are you connected to your heart? All of that. What exactly are we talking about? I will, I will answer that, but I want to put one caveat, which is, um, the heart concept ideology, et cetera, has become so ubiquitous with culture, right? Yeah. Right. Like everybody's saying, listen to your heart, follow your heart, talk to your heart, whatever.
00:09:40
Speaker
And I would say that a huge percentage of that is overkill. It's kind of like when it's Valentine's Day and it's like, I love you, it loses the punch of it. And especially when it comes to egotism, because a lot of people are saying, oh, just follow your heart and then they become selfish a-holes. I do not think that's following your heart. I think that's you being selfish and trying to get your own way or finally validate what you've wanted to do anyway, right? So I just want to be careful to put that out there of like, we're going to try to dive into
00:10:06
Speaker
the legitimate side of connecting with your heart and what that means and how it looks and etc.
00:10:11
Speaker
So what was the question then, what is your heart? And I would also say, especially for us guys, right? Is the stereotype is that guys aren't emotional or that they compartmentalize so they don't feel things or things like that. And so that's really when I'm saying your gift set is knocking down that compartmentalization and helping men understand that there is a healthy side to an emotional process. Yes.
00:10:38
Speaker
And so, with that being said, the question is, what is the heart? When you're connecting to it or when you have a client and you're walking them through exercises, what exactly are you connecting them to in the sense of their heart? Okay, so the heart, to me, is the centerpiece of your subconscious. It is almost like the throne of your emotions.
00:11:04
Speaker
And ironically, it's a place where our subconscious things, our subconscious beliefs, our subconscious enacts itself and expresses itself to the world and engages with the world. So it's the root of our intimacy. It is the place of our deep contemplation that subconscious is those things, right? Yeah. So if we're going to divide it a little bit, I would say spirit, heart, mind, and mind being where you process, you think you, you know, you do go on the cerebral
00:11:29
Speaker
understanding the intellectualism of life. You have the heart, which is your seat of your emotions, but it's beyond that. A lot of people just think it's my love and it's my joy and my peace, which it is, but it's also that place that is your resonance, your inner world.
00:11:44
Speaker
And then I think your spirit is that place that's in communion with God, and it has this outside of the normal bounds of time kind of a process to it. So it's not necessarily the part that you're in touch with, but it's the part that is in touch with the divine, I guess. So a lot of times with people's hearts, the first thing that we start getting into, and they always give me this look of
00:12:08
Speaker
when I say, hey, I'd like to talk to your heart. And I say it just like that, like another person in the room, like, hey, is it okay if I talk to your heart? And they always give me this cockeyed dog that's confused expression. And because a lot of them, in particular, a lot of them, they're Christians, they've learned that their heart is evil, that their heart is bad, that their heart is a stigma. When I ask them, what Bible verses do you know about your heart, they always come up with,
00:12:33
Speaker
Um, the heart is deceitfully evil. Who can trust it? Right. It's like, that's the number one, one scripture we know on your heart, which is crazy because there's like a thousand to 1500 scriptures directly referring to your heart. And so the idea of out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks or, uh, guard your heart above all else because from it flow, the well springs of life, literally the well springs of life. Right.
00:12:57
Speaker
So the vast, vast, vast majority of your heart in the Bible is actually a beautiful, powerful ally of you. And the reason that I think it's totally valid to communicate with your heart and actually ask your heart questions and whatnot is because in the Bible, your heart talks, it thinks.
00:13:12
Speaker
It believes, it contemplates, it desires. It has all of these very human characteristics, almost like we can be in a relationship with ourselves, and that relationship is with our hearts, right?
Childhood Emotional Disconnection
00:13:23
Speaker
So our hearts, since it's that very tender place, that intimate place, it's the place that gets hurt that we wanna shut down from. It's the place that when we have trauma, wounds, pain, are dismissed, rejected, et cetera, it's the place that we kind of segment out a little bit. So when we push it away,
00:13:41
Speaker
when we subdue it, when we temper our hearts, we're actually trying to push down those painful, very sharp feelings that we don't want to experience anymore. Whether it's loneliness, sadness, rejection, feelings of disconnections, feelings of passions that have not been fulfilled, purposes that have not been found, whatever it might be. And I think it happens really young.
00:14:03
Speaker
I think most people start to shut down from their hearts when they're really young. If you see a child and you hear a child laugh, you hear this purity in their laugh, right? Like there's just this, their whole body's laughing. When they cry, their whole body cries. And then slowly as we become adults, we actually become separate from that very innocent, connected place.
00:14:22
Speaker
when they're happy they're happy when they're sad they're sad yeah yeah and so are you saying that i am very disconnected because i don't ugly cry is that what you you cry plenty you might not ugly cry but but you're definitely a connected man i am you you provoke me to jealousy with your crying and i can't tell if i want to go that far there's a part of me that's like i don't know if i can handle crying that much
00:14:47
Speaker
But I'd like somewhere in the middle, right? Because I don't cry that much. And when I do, I cry so ugly that my face is swollen for two days. And I'm not even joking. It is. It's hilarious. Yeah. But when I cry, it's like every blood vessel pops. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway.
00:15:05
Speaker
Yeah, and it's really sad. It's really sad that we shut down from who we are because I think the biggest thing that's most important to help people stay connected to their heart is actually a safe, secure place with their family. When they feel loved, seen, accepted, and believed in for who they are, even if they're emotional, you get comfortable with, oh, it's okay for me to be present in who I really am. Present in who you really are, meaning being connected to your heart. Yeah.
00:15:32
Speaker
When you disconnect from which I'm sure you talked about this on your podcast, but when you disconnect from painful emotions
00:15:38
Speaker
Disappointment, grief, sadness, hate, or not hate, anger, all those sorts of things. You automatically shut down the positive. Joy, peace, love, passion, all those really fulfilling, fun ones. But the ironic part is we feel like our emotions are tormenting when we feel negative emotions like depression, anxiety, stress, et cetera. The reason it feels tormenting or anger or rage, et cetera, is actually because we're disconnected from our heart.
00:16:07
Speaker
So it's almost like turning on a hose when the hose is off, right? It hurts us. But when you're connected to your heart, emotions feel beautiful, cleansing, and refreshing. So if you think about a movie that you go into and you just scream, cry, because it's so poignant, you don't think, what a garbage movie! That movie sucked ass! And the same for anger. Anger, if we shut down anger, because a lot of people do because they either see it as unsafe or they see it as they'll hurt somebody,
00:16:36
Speaker
If you shut down anger, you shut down your ability to
Role of Emotions in Self-awareness
00:16:39
Speaker
protect your identity, yourself, yourself, value, and others. You literally get rid of your indicator that's showing that you or somebody else is being violated, which is what allows you to build identity. So there's all these secondary problems when we shut down and disconnect from our hearts.
00:16:55
Speaker
I've talked a lot, so I'm just gonna shoosh and let you. I'm just taking it all. I feel like I need to re-close my eyes and reconnect to my heart as much as you're talking to yourself. You're like, what is going on? And what's interesting is, I mean, there's several things that are interesting, but my number one podcast that I've ever done was my fourth one, and the title was Why You Should Love Anger.
00:17:20
Speaker
beautiful because people have that people experience rage yeah and and treat it as if it's anger and because rage is harmful and hurtful definitely they just say i have to put both of those in the same category and basically lock them up and never touch it seriously and isn't that sad yeah because rage is a it's a self-protective controlling emotion yeah it's essentially i'm gonna dominate this atmosphere so i don't feel insecure and scared yeah
00:17:47
Speaker
Okay, but anger is just an awareness. It's an awareness of violation. And when you're objective about it, it actually shows you what's the healthy response.
00:17:55
Speaker
So a simple example is a lot of people think that anger is all secondary or defense mechanism. It's not. If it was, then Jesus would have been in a secondary emotion when he was getting upset, right? Anger is a healthy indicator of what is wrong or what's been violated. And what's beautiful about anger is people think it has to be directed at someone or something else. It doesn't. Anger is an emotion, which means it needs to be felt. It doesn't have to be thrown. And when you realize that, you're like, oh, I can just sit in anger. And that's the healthy way to actually
00:18:25
Speaker
purge it out because emotions need to be felt to be released. Yeah. And I think that that's a great point because what I've given homework for my clients at times that have been terrified of anger and we're just kind of in this place of going, let's explore it. Let's accept it. Allow your heart to feel it.
00:18:42
Speaker
One of the challenges can be how to feel it, but not let it be pointed at the normally the people that you love the most or the closest or the ones that get it. Yeah. And so I've given homework of, you know, this week you need to go on a walk and find a big stick and beat the crap out of a tree. Yeah. And they kind of look at me funny like, Oh yeah. Is that like punch the pillow? Ha ha ha ha. But just like you said, once you let yourself feel it, it's almost this. Yeah.
00:19:12
Speaker
I you're on the other side of it because you've released that valve that's building up pressure. I love the idea of the valve. I think that's such a good point. The valve is what creates the unhealthy expressions of emotions. If you don't feel an emotion directly, you're going to feel it secondarily and it comes out sideways. So I had a guy in in my whatever in my office and he was this
00:19:37
Speaker
I don't know how to say it besides hillbilly. And just self-proclaimed. He just walks in, he's like, I'm a dude's dude, I don't feel any emotions, I love beer and I'm not changing. Not joking, that is how he started the thing. And so I'm like, okay, well, whatever, we'll just see what happens. So I start connecting him and I know his family and I know his history a little bit, so I know that he deals with rage. And so when I started talking to him and I started slowly leading him into connecting to his heart, he's looking at me sideways like, oh crap, oh crap.
00:20:07
Speaker
Finally, you know, I get him connected to his heart and his genuine emotions, and he's bawling, right? Just bawling. But what's really funny is he holds up his hands and he uses finger pistols, you know? And starts pointing at me like he's shooting me, right? And he just keeps saying, I see what you're doing here. I know what's going on. I see where you're going with this, you know? And just bawling while he's doing it. But my point being, think of the valve, right, that you just mentioned. I think of it like a tea kettle.
00:20:36
Speaker
And when we're connected to our hearts, we can release the lid off the tea kettle so it never gets overwhelming and screams. But when it doesn't, of course your emotions are gonna come out and scream at times. That's what anxiety, depression, stress, overwhelm, all those things are. When I see somebody that's dealing with depression, immediately I just think stuffed emotions. That's what depression is.
00:20:56
Speaker
And people think that you feeling your emotions is actually what gets you healthy, which is ridiculous. Because if that was the case, then depressed people who cry every day all day long would be the healthiest people on the planet. Yeah, that's true. So it's not feeling your emotions, it's being connected to them. Yeah. And that's what connecting to your heart is, is a sober and beautiful connection to your heart. Yeah. So
00:21:20
Speaker
Obviously there's value in it. We, you know, we're talking about how the, the impact of it, when you try to suppress it, put the valve on all of that for somebody who's listening that doesn't matter where they are on the spectrum, either. You know, they're like me when I just got out of the Marines going, I'm never going to meet with anybody. And emotional intelligence is people that don't, aren't willing to suck up their bootstraps and like move on in life. Right. Yeah. Intelligence is a loose word.
00:21:46
Speaker
Exactly. Or they've just started to explore all of this, or they've been meeting with somebody, but within that spectrum, they feel disconnected from this, you know, this heart that we're talking about. Yeah. What are some ways, other than meeting with somebody like you or I, meeting with, or what are some ways that they can be intentional with beginning to connect to their heart? That's a really good question.
00:22:16
Speaker
I think the first thing that they can or should do is to acknowledge their heart. And what I mean by acknowledge is to respect it and honor that it's present, right? That it's a part of their life. And then secondarily to start being grateful. Like I'm so grateful that God designed my heart for me. Like that he's literally the architect of this design and this relationship I have with my emotions in my internal world.
00:22:45
Speaker
And then being able to think of your heart, having your intention going to your heart and saying, heart, I actually really love you. I love what you've done for me. I love the deep and rich emotions that you've had. I love how you've helped me connect with my passions or helped tap me on the shoulder when I'm doing something wrong and I need to go in a different direction.
00:23:07
Speaker
I love that you've helped me to subconsciously process things that maybe I didn't even know I was processing. But to start honoring and saying, actually, you're really good. You're really beautiful. You're really powerful. And then it may be even acknowledging that, like, I'm really sorry if I shut you down.
00:23:26
Speaker
I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was doing it. Most people don't. But just through life circumstances, through pain, through disappointment, being able to say, I'm sorry. I did. I learned from my family. I learned from my experiences. I learned from my pain or my trauma or whatever it might be that I couldn't be fully in connection with you. And saying, if I pushed you down, if I pushed you away, if I thought that you were dangerous,
00:23:55
Speaker
if I blamed you for my pain, instead of recognizing you were helping me to process my pain, I'm sorry, and I wanna acknowledge that, and I wanna restore that breach. And I think what most people will find is their hearts are eager to connect with them. I very rarely have I found a heart that wasn't like, thank goodness, this is what I've always wanted. I was always designed for this.
00:24:19
Speaker
If you do hear something negative, just as a quick caveat, sometimes, you know, I don't want to give a percentage, but sometimes they'll hear something negative when they're starting to connect with their heart, like, I hate this person. She's a total B or they're toxic and I don't like them. I almost always find that that is the voice of self protection. And they're so terrified of connecting to their genuine emotions that they set up these protective barriers that basically create antagonism. So you won't want to connect and you won't have to.
00:24:49
Speaker
So I just say, you know what? It doesn't sound like that's really your heart. I think that your heart really likes you and is really for you. Maybe we should see if we can go a little deeper and hear the tender voice that your heart is actually speaking. And it doesn't mean that your heart is not sad or disappointed or even angry about what's happened, but it's not going to be shaming.
00:25:09
Speaker
That's a big one. When there's shame attached to it, then you know that it's not your car. It's not your car. It's like God. If God says, hey, you're a worm and I made a mistake designing you, that's not God. Sure. Yeah, totally. At least it's not the
Reconnecting with the Heart
00:25:22
Speaker
God I'm listening to. I don't know. Yeah. And I would say in one other thing for people that maybe, let's say that they've been pursuing emotional intelligence health.
00:25:31
Speaker
even say they're familiar with connecting to their heart, in my own life what I've realized is regarding the whole, I'm really sorry for X, Y, or Z, is there are times where you are connected to your heart, you have a relationship,
00:25:50
Speaker
But you have shut down your heart in certain areas. Oh, definitely. And so just it when you recognize it, it's not like because my personality, as you know, is an all or nothing. So I can go, well, either I'm fully connected or I need to like start all over relationally. And and so if I realize that I've shut down my heart in certain ways,
00:26:11
Speaker
in the sense of moving towards reconciliation or honoring that is just, hey, I'm sorry that I've shut you down in this way or this way. I think that's a great practice. But to not make it a blanket statement, unless you're like the hillbilly that walks in and is like, man, there ain't no such thing as a heart, right? Then sure, it's starting and laying that foundation. Absolutely. And I think there's something important to remember. It's you taking responsibility is not supposed to feel like shame.
00:26:38
Speaker
It's not, Oh, I'm so stupid for shutting you down. It's recognizing life hurt. I was in pain. I couldn't be fully connected with you because it was overwhelming. And maybe it was even a healthy and adaptive thing for you to kind of create that separation for a season. And so that's okay, but it's acknowledging, okay, now that I'm an adult.
00:26:55
Speaker
Now that I'm in charge of my own life, I can choose my friends. I can choose what's healthy for me. So it's actually time for me to listen to my heart. It's time for me to start coming into agreement with what my heart is telling me. Because a lot of times our hearts are the ones that direct us into passions, purpose, identity, clarity, direction, calling, et cetera. And if we're not in connection with that, we're trying to do with our minds.
00:27:19
Speaker
And so we're disconnected from the source of the ability to actually refine and define those things. So many people think that the intelligence is gonna create a beautiful life. Like if I just think hard enough, perform hard enough, or work hard enough on emotional health, then I'll have a wonderful life. Good luck.
00:27:36
Speaker
I know a lot of people that have been working on emotional health for decades, and they're not healthy. The same people you see in the health food store that look like they've never had a healthy fat in their life. Hair is all stringy, skin is disgustingly wrinkly. And it's like, you've gone too far, friend. I respect the idea, but you've gone too far. And I think that what comes to mind as somebody else, I knew that I was talking to her about just this whole topic.
00:28:03
Speaker
and she was like yeah josh you know and she's very smart extremely intellectual successful and um and she was saying you know i feel like there's something missing and i really do want to like how can i connect to my heart i want to and we were just we were driving with other people in the car it wasn't the right setting to actually kind of do a deep dive with things but
00:28:27
Speaker
Then in the same conversation, she says, Oh, I'm really excited for this person and this person. They're both launching books on your heart. And so I can't wait to read them. And she didn't even realize it, but she was trying to intellectually connect to her heart. Yeah, seriously. And and so I mean, obviously, there's value in books, etc. But for her, and I think for a lot of others,
00:28:52
Speaker
just learning about a topic doesn't actually build a relationship and there's an important differentiation between the two. The key word is relationship. A lot of people approach their heart and they approach God from an informational standpoint. They want direction, they want information, they want revelation, they want solutions, they want to be fixed. They want to feel better probably or have a better life and so they address those relationships from an informational standpoint instead of from a relational standpoint.
00:29:20
Speaker
And what if we came from a relational standpoint? Let's start with God. Where it's just like, oh, our highest value is just being with each other. Not what we can do for each other. It would change the whole dynamic of your relationship with God. Or secondarily, same with your heart. What if your heart did take a while to warm back up? But you said that's okay. You've been pushed down for decades. Take your time, I'm here. I actually am choosing to love you, choosing to be present, choosing to care.
00:29:50
Speaker
and I'm not gonna do it perfect either. In fact, I'm gonna mess up a lot, but we're gonna have grace for each other moving forward. That's a relationship. That's not, I did it right. Screw that, I did it right. Totally.
00:30:04
Speaker
Um, so let's say that people have connected their heart. They may even, you know, pull over pause, do a quick exercise. They're really feeling a shift. Doesn't matter where they're at in their journey, but once you've connected or once you've taken time to put your intentionality into that relationship with yourself.
00:30:25
Speaker
How can, how can men stay connected beyond just kind of that moment of, of connecting and actually live from their heart? Good question. So couple answers to that. The first thing is I think that emotions often come up after you connect with your heart because essentially you've opened the pipe back up.
00:30:48
Speaker
And so I think that people need to be aware that emotions will come up, but emotions are good if you're connected to your heart. So it's kind of relearning how to be in your emotions.
00:30:56
Speaker
And what I usually tell people is don't run after your emotions, but don't run from them either. And it's really helpful. The only exception is, let's say that you connect your heart and you've been weeping uncontrollably for three days straight and you're just exhausted. It's totally fine to tell your heart, heart, I love you, I promise I'll make room for this in the future, but I just can't handle anymore right now. And usually I feel like our hearts are like, oh, okay, cool. Instead of us shoving them back down and violating them again, just creating again a relationship,
00:31:25
Speaker
So if I was going to talk to a male and say, how do you stay connected to your heart? I would say make it intentional for at least a little while. So on a daily or even multi times a day, just going to your heart and saying, heart, um, I love you. I appreciate you. I give you permission to be present and feel anything you want to feel.
00:31:45
Speaker
And that intention actually draws your heart to the surface so it can be present. And after a while, you actually can feel when it's not present. When your heart is not present, there's like this anxiety disconnection feeling. And you get used to almost like a red flag going off of like, oh, whoa, I just disconnected from my heart. And typically it happens because of pain or fear.
00:32:05
Speaker
Right. We anticipate something that we're afraid of or we have pain in a certain area. So we go, nope, shutting back down. Sure. Go into your box. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's learning to get used to. Oh, this is what it feels like to be fully connected to my heart and being present.
00:32:23
Speaker
Yeah, for me, I know that I use this quick little diagram with clients, because it's just a different way of saying the same thing. But if you have scale of one to 10, right for negative emotions and positive emotions, a lot of times
00:32:40
Speaker
back in our childhood, we experienced something that is really painful. It's a seven, eight, nine, 10 on the pain down. And then you put a lid on that and you say, nope, I'm not going that deep in my negative emotions anymore. And then you put a lid on the positive ones. And basically kind of what you're saying, as far as letting your emotions be present,
00:33:03
Speaker
is we'll do an exercise and I'm like okay get ready because this week you could feel bipolar. I mean you could feel crazy but all it is is that we've literally just taken the lids off of like if you've capped it at four negative you've capped it at four positive. Taking the governors off. Now we've taken those off and you're gonna feel like you're bouncing at nine positive like yeah I'll never forget it when I said I love you to my son
00:33:30
Speaker
And I felt this wave of love that I just didn't feel before. I always loved my son, but I didn't feel it. And it just made me want to break down and cry. And then I would be totally upset and angry and not even know why. And then I'd watch a sad commercial and cry again. I felt all over the place, but understanding that that's part of the process.
00:33:54
Speaker
And it's actually healthy, especially if you have a backlog where you've suppressed for years, and giving your heart space and permission for that is so important to be able to actually make it a lifestyle. Is really important. And I've made so many thoughts popped up when you just said that. Yeah. Because there's so many thoughts that are tangents to this, but connected. One is, I think that you said something that I don't even remember. But anyway, I'll say it in my homework. It's the idea of not asking why.
00:34:24
Speaker
When we start to feel our emotions, a lot of times we understand where did they come from? Why am I feeling this? What do I do about it? How do I respond? And sometimes you won't get what it's about at all. Like sometimes you'll feel it and you're like, I have no idea where that came from. That's okay. Other times you have to feel it and then you'll understand. And still other times you'll understand it before you even start feeling it and then it leads you into the feeling. But my point being is if you get into fix it mode or figure it out mode, you'll shut down your emotions and you'll abort them.
00:34:53
Speaker
And so just giving yourself permission to be like, it doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter where this is coming from. It doesn't even matter if it's rational. Emotions are not rational by definition, they're emotions, they're feelings, right? So why do you have to rationalize them? And I think going back to what you were saying about in younger life is we go through hard times.
Processing Emotions and Releasing Trauma
00:35:15
Speaker
And the way that we're designed is when we go through really difficult or traumatic situations,
00:35:19
Speaker
It requires connection in order to release those emotions so that it doesn't become Harvard trauma. Okay. So it literally is connection, which I think is a God design to help us feel seen and safe inside of our emotions. And then we'll release them. And if that happens when we're in early childhood, that's fantastic because kids are ridiculously resilient when they have connection and safety. The problem is we will internalize our external relationships as we grow up.
00:35:46
Speaker
So whatever external relationships are modeling for as you're teaching us, that's how we'll internalize a relationship with ourselves. And so if it feels disconnected, it'll feel disconnected.
00:35:56
Speaker
And the problem with that is it still requires connection in order for us to release harbored emotions. And so it either requires one of three things, connection with yourself, with your heart, connection with others, or connection with God. And so if you don't have one of those, that's when it gets into the tormented emotions we were discussing. So if you're feeling all these things, but you're not connected to your heart, it's a closed circuit loop. Not to be a dick, but you're going around on a carousel.
00:36:22
Speaker
And that's why people get so disillusioned and disappointed with feeling their emotions or sitting in it or going to therapy or blah, blah, blah is they're disconnected from themselves and wondering why they can't release it. Well, the pipes not connected, you know, like I'm not sure like the pipes closed. Yeah. It's not a mystery. Yeah. Yeah. And what's funny is, I mean, we're talking like we were calculus three in this or something. I'm not. It's a journey is what I'm trying to say. Totally. Yeah. And it's a it's a person. It's not you're a person. You're not a project, but, um,
00:36:52
Speaker
But what's really interesting about connecting to your heart is when you're on the other side of it, it becomes so obvious. You go, oh my gosh, how disconnected I was. Or you'll meet somebody or see somebody and be like, oh, it's so sad. They can't connect to anger. You almost just see it places and you're like, and not in a judgmental way, you're like, it's a- It's everywhere. It's a pandemic. Yeah. Yeah. To borrow a term, it really is.
00:37:21
Speaker
The people that are wholehearted and connect to their heart in healthy ways, I think they stick out like a sore thumb, which is why I think it's so such a cliche right now. And everybody's talking about their heart is everybody wants that feeling. They want to feel seen, known, loved and connected. And the only way you can truly do that.
00:37:40
Speaker
is if you're first internally connected with yourself. Yeah, yeah. One last question really quick, and that is, what do you do? Let's say that you hear from your heart, you're connected to it, but what are some of the best ways to navigate when your heart is terrified? You know, that's a really good question.
00:38:04
Speaker
heart is terrified because a lot of this we're talking about if especially if it's in childhood and things like that you may have been holding on to something that's protecting you even if it's not healthy or helpful and letting go of that your heart can be like scared out of its mind out of its heart out of its whatever but um that you know a lot of times if something has kept you falsely safe
00:38:30
Speaker
letting go of that is really scary so there's obviously the external fear but i'm talking about the internal where it feels really scary to be with your bros and be vulnerable or it feels really scary because you know in your past you showed up as yourself and showed emotion and that was shut down or whatever it may be um
00:38:52
Speaker
All these people with imperfect lives. Yeah, exactly. Man, it must have sucked to be one of those, right? But how can you essentially, without turning yourself into a project, encourage your heart to keep moving forward and taking those risks in being connected and being seen? Sure. Great question. And I'll lead up to it with this.
Embracing Emotion as Strength
00:39:18
Speaker
Self-protection serve both parties.
00:39:20
Speaker
So self-protection protects the heart and it protects the person. And so when we're developing something, I mean, a lot of people see visuals, so they'll see their heart in a chest chained up, you know, 8,000 miles or eight miles in the ocean or whatever. And so it kind of like safeguards their heart. And so in an ironic way, we're trying to protect ourselves and our heart from the pain that we don't want to feel or experience. So when we start to unpack those things, and using a couple of stark examples I've seen,
00:39:51
Speaker
People have visuals of themselves or their heart inside of a jail cell, inside of a cave, inside of a dark hole, inside of whatever, a coffin. Yeah. And so often it's, you know, the jail cell is scary. The jail cell is very intimidating. It's very lonely. It's very isolating. It's very dearth of nutrients and refreshment and relationship, but it's also safe.
00:40:17
Speaker
Yeah. It also creates a wall of covering and insulation from the world's tribulations. And I think if I'm hearing your question right, your heart gets skittish, scared, doesn't want to come out as terrified of the full broad wide world when it's been used to a four by four foot box. Yeah. I think that I would do it what I would do with any with any person and I would go to it. I'd be intentional about literally connecting with it. A lot of times I'll visualize my heart
00:40:46
Speaker
and I will actually go and sit with my heart. And in a silly way, because who knows if a heart has a shoulder, I'll kind of just have that impression of my putting my hand on my heart's shoulder and saying, it's actually perfectly fine that you feel scared. I'm just gonna sit with you. We don't have to leave. If you never wanna leave, that's okay. My priority is not,
00:41:16
Speaker
Circumstances changing. My priority is to be in a connection with you and to accept you and love you right where you're at. Now, if you want to leave, I would be happy to walk with you and we'll do this together. And it's okay if we're both scared when we're doing it, but we don't have to. We can just sit here, take as much time as you need. And ironically, like sometimes I've had clients that literally needed time. They needed multiple weeks, maybe even six months.
00:41:44
Speaker
Other times, it's just as soon as your heart feels connected and seen like it's the priority, it goes, all right, yeah, I do want out. I've been in this box a long time, screw this. It just needed to know that it's okay to be afraid. And if you try to force it, like, no, we're done. We're coming into the sunlight. You're gonna be expressed. Hell no, all of us would shut down. Treat it like a person. You probably know how to treat a person. At least if you're listening to this podcast, you probably have some good clues.
00:42:13
Speaker
Or if you have kids, that's been a great one that I've used too is, you know, would you treat your kids in a certain way? And any loving parent normally would not speak to their kids in the way that they speak to themselves. Definitely. And so just using that as kind of a, a, a gauge on how you're communicating with yourself or your heart. Yeah.
00:42:35
Speaker
Well, this has been very informative and really good. You said in the beginning what you have going on in your world and your life, but how can people get in touch with you? That's a great question.
00:42:51
Speaker
Uh, you can go to a website, Blair Reynolds dot co. Okay. So that's that. You can check out resources at how to life, good.com. Okay. Um, those are probably the best two ways. Okay. And lastly, if you had one thing that you could share with men.
00:43:07
Speaker
just as a whole healthy unhealthy toxic whatever just masculinity in general what would your biggest thing be for your heart for men to capture or to realize or to really embrace as their lifestyle or internal world it's a great question i think what i would want to tell men is a couple things
00:43:31
Speaker
It's only one thing, sorry. It's connected. It's connected. It's the idea that their emotions are actually their superpower. They think that as men, a lot of times they compartmentalize, they just get things done, but a lot of times people, men shut down. It's funny how they become either aggressive or passive. They go to one of the extremes, right? They become this passive wussy.
00:43:55
Speaker
or they become this uber controlling male. And I actually think that's because we're not in touch with our deep and rich emotions. I think men are very, very emotional creatures. And when we allow ourselves to recognize that we are and that it's okay and it's actually a really beautiful thing, we get re in touch with ourselves.
00:44:14
Speaker
And when we get re in touch with ourselves, I think we'll realize that our power, our strength is actually a gift to the world and not a liability for us or the world. Yeah. And I think that's probably the thing most missing in male culture today is that middle ground male that actually is in touch with who they are and their emotions and their identity. And they're allowing their power to be a beautiful thing instead of either shutting down their power or using it to be destructive.
00:44:41
Speaker
two points, which is really one and both very good. Thanks. Thanks Blair for taking the time. I know that anyone listening to this is going to be able to walk away more equipped and probably really challenged, but have the ability and opportunity to be more connected than they were before they listened. So thank you so much.
00:45:04
Speaker
You are absolutely welcome and high to your audience and your listeners. I'd give them a high five if they were in the room and a hug they'd let me. You can't say you can't really do that with the pandemic going around right now. So I'd still do it. All right. We'll do a digital version. Yeah. We'll do a digital hug to you. All right. I'm sure you'll be on again. So until next time. All right. Thanks, Josh.