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How to Get a 100X Return on Your Personal Development with Dave Charlson | Ep #26
52 Plays4 years ago
Today's episode is packed with helpful information. Dave Charlson is a high-level executive coach who has a unique ability to draw the best out of people regardless of where they are in their personal or professional journey.
Here are some of the highlights from today's episode:
- How to identify your true "essence phrase", a phrase which is divinely given to ground and strengthen you.
- The two primary types of masculinity he works with and how to help people move to a healthy middle ground between the two.
- High Outer - Individuals who have achieved significant success in their career, have strong discipline, and can produce results.
- High Inner - Individuals who are deeply connected to their inner world, have intimate relationships with other men, and are well balanced overall internally.
- The five primary areas of focus which create the biggest positive ripple effect in someone's life, how to identify them, and why you shouldn't try to improve all at the same time.
Dave has over 24 years of business development experience. He was a mortgage banker for 16 years He has spent the past 10 years developing products for the pet industry and has created, branded and established sales for two products that have generated 16 million in revenue He is currently CEO & President of North American Sales for Authentic Sales LLC, his pet product sales and marketing company that imports WAG dog treats from Australia and distributes them nationally in the US and Canada.
Dave is also CEO of Authentic Coaching Inc, a coaching company dedicated to helping leaders significantly increase performance and fulfillment through the power of Authentic Alignment. Dave is all about creating safe places for business people to be vulnerable and real about their struggles and brokering the truth of heaven in exchange for their limiting beliefs and fears. He does this by attracting God's presence with his dedication to an extreme joy-filled vulnerability and boldly sharing radical testimonies. Dave also coaches a select group of executives across the United States.
David is happily married to his wife Michele and has 4 children ages 27, 21,19,& 17
Links:
Guest:
Dave Charlson's video on shame
Host:
12-Week Course designed to help you find clarity, get unstuck and build momentum
Recommended
Transcript
Exploring Masculinity: Depth and Emotion
00:00:00
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Guest Introduction: Personal Growth Expert
00:00:30
Speaker
I am really excited for you to be listening to today's episode because my guest, who's also a friend of mine, is someone who has worked with the highest level individuals and really brought together a process that helps you identify the areas of your life that you should be working on. And then also, and I'm a big proponent of this.
00:00:55
Speaker
is how to practically engage with those areas of your life in a way that you see change. So whether you're someone who is really high performing but internally you're struggling with something or wrestling or feel empty or whatever it may be, or you are somebody who has done a whole lot of inner work but you have not really found that momentum or that stride when it comes to seeing things come to fruition for you,
00:01:25
Speaker
Regardless of where you lie on that, today's episode is going to help you move into a healthier middle ground practically. And so grab a notebook, grab something to jot down some notes because it's chocked full with the entire process that he walks people through.
00:01:44
Speaker
to help them see fundamental change in their life.
Supporting the Show and Healthy Masculinity
00:01:47
Speaker
And as always, if you haven't subscribed yet, go ahead and do that. And I'll continue to beat the drum of asking for the favor of leaving a comment or leaving a review because those fuel me and they also fuel this message of healthy masculinity.
Influence of Dave Charleston
00:02:04
Speaker
All right, without further ado, let's get into how to find that healthy middle ground that moves you to your most authentic self.
00:02:24
Speaker
Well, I have, like I said before, I wanted to start to add voices to the conversation of masculinity. And there are less than, I'd say, three or four men that have contributed to where I'm at today, as well as
00:02:42
Speaker
I respect and rely on for where I'm headed. And the guest that we have today is one of those men. And so I'm really excited for you guys to be able to glean from his experience and wisdom and, and giftings. And we're also, just so you know, sitting out on his back patio.
Balancing Success and Fulfillment
00:03:03
Speaker
So.
00:03:03
Speaker
When you hear the birds chirping and it's not the normal quiet setting, I actually kind of like this a little bit better. But without further ado, this is Dave Charleston. How's it going, Dave? Good. I know you can't say it because we're doing this publicly, but of course, I am your favorite. You tell me that privately all the time. Of those three or four men, I am, of course, your favorite. It's kind of like the grandparent that says every grandchild is their favorite. So sure, yes, I totally am.
00:03:33
Speaker
Well, I believe it. I believe it. So you fooled me into believing that I'm your favorite. I guess the other two or three are also your favorites and they think the same thing. That's the trick to intimacy with men. Just make them all feel like they're the favorite. Cool. What are we talking about today, Dave? I want to talk about one of my favorite topics is inner capacity versus outer capacity. Okay. That sounds really interesting. What the hell does that mean?
Finding Identity Beyond Success
00:04:02
Speaker
That's a good question. So I have a coaching business, consulting business much like you, and I attract a lot of people that have developed massive outer capacity, meaning they're experts in their fields, they've produced a lot of external results.
00:04:19
Speaker
And they're attracted to me because they get so far out there and their inner world is in, they either have imposter syndrome or they find that they're not enjoying their success. They're successful, but they're not fulfilled. So I think of that person as someone that has built up their outer capacity muscle. It's almost like their right bicep is massive and their left bicep, which is inner capacity, is atrophied.
00:04:46
Speaker
And then I also sometimes attract people that have massive inner capacity, but they are like spring loaded with potential energy and have not. And they're scared to death to go out and create some outer capacity. That's fascinating. Yeah. So let's, let's take each side of things and kind of talk about how you plug them into the other bicep per se, or how do you, how do you strengthen that other muscle? So let's start with the guys that.
00:05:16
Speaker
Let's say they have the outer capacity. They have the nice cars, the quote unquote success, the ability to launch businesses or grow businesses or excel in their career, whatever that outer capacity may be, when they are either in that tension where they've achieved that success but aren't satisfied or let's say, I mean, there's some guys that listen to this that they're on their way to that. They haven't necessarily gotten to that pinnacle.
00:05:45
Speaker
But they know that there's something yeah amiss there they can feel that other muscle kind of being ignored But how do you connect men to that other side of things when they have achieved great questions? So I find the interesting thing is
00:06:01
Speaker
The guys that have just in some ways just numbed out their inner world and gone and achieved, they are in a worse place than the guy that instinctually knows, you know what? I'm not going to go build this outer muscle without my inner muscle also coming along for
Rediscovering True Identity
00:06:18
Speaker
the ride.
00:06:18
Speaker
I want to encourage those guys, number one, that you oftentimes those guys that kind of have mediocre success, I find themselves comparing themselves to these guys that have achieved this monumental and they just look Teflon solid. The cool thing is when you get to coach those guys, they're effed up.
00:06:37
Speaker
Right. So if you're one of these people that's like, Oh my gosh, I'll never get there. Um, don't be discouraged. Like you actually probably are playing the long game. And so I want to speak to that person. Um, yeah, absolutely. And then, um, so, but the, but the other guy, the guy that's already out there, um, so I'll speak to that guy, the guy that's achieved massive outer success, but he's either.
00:07:01
Speaker
Longing for fulfillment or really is in a tense place where their marriage is struggling or their dating life sucks Or they just feel like a fraud and that they're gonna get found out at any moment I track those people the first thing I do with them is usually they'll come to me with a problem like I have an anger management problem or I have a porn problem or I can't connect with my wife and
00:07:25
Speaker
They have a symptom problem. I have a symptom problem and I never ever ever treat the symptom. Ever. I'll go, you have an identity problem.
00:07:33
Speaker
And they'll go, well, how do I fix an identity problem? And all I'm concerned with is getting them back to their first love to the childlike, innocent, inspired place that drove them.
Essence Exercise and Self-Discovery
00:07:45
Speaker
And so the first thing we do is I just, I do, I do some interesting things that allow them to ignore their symptoms and go back to the root of where it all started. That's really good. Um,
00:07:59
Speaker
A different thing that I've seen that I'm actually really curious, especially because you've worked with those high level individuals, is how do you, and I've wrestled with this personally, is for guys that, let's say that they have reacted to their pain, or they've essentially shut it down, but let's use a common example. I grew up poor and so I'll never be poor.
00:08:25
Speaker
right? And so then that actually fuels their drive. They wake up early, stay up late, they're the hustler, all of that. How do you connect them to that identity, that true identity, that inner world, and actually help them heal that part of themselves, but not disengage the good side of drive that helps them move forward?
00:08:50
Speaker
Yeah. So number one is I, I, I literally won't even barely allow space for them to moan about their symptoms. I'll go, we'll get to your symptoms. I know you're in pain because usually guys kind of make, because they're in pain, right? So guys don't go to get help. We're not, a lot of us aren't good at vulnerability. So unless the pain's massive, you don't reach out to a coach. A lot of, a lot of us don't.
00:09:14
Speaker
So the first thing I do is I say we're going to do something that's a back door that will, so I do something called the essence exercise. It sounds woo woo, but if you were to put a picture, 20 pictures of you on the wall,
00:09:29
Speaker
And in two or three of your close guy friends, we were to pick out which one of those pictures captures Josh's essence. You doing different things. Like I have a picture of you on my phone and it's of you out on a elk hunt.
00:09:46
Speaker
And there's something about the smile on your face. It's not what you're doing. It's just there's something about you. Your eyes look wild. You look like you're living life to the full. And I'm like, that is Josh. I thought you were going to reference the picture you caught of me kissing the butt of a statue.
00:10:01
Speaker
when we went to Reno. That also captures your essence. But okay, all right. But the Elk hunt one is the one I choose to focus on. Yeah, okay, all right, good, me too. There's another aspect of your essence that's in that butt statue kissing, yeah. I think I said I would give you five dollars to do that or something too. You did, and then you said you'd use it as blackmail, but now I just out of myself, so it just kind of diffused that.
00:10:24
Speaker
So, the essence exercise, we do a 360 on the person and I send a list of words that describe human beings in a positive way to them and then they send it out to their friends and family and they end up with a list of about 30 words that they picked five words and some other people picked five words to describe who they are.
00:10:46
Speaker
And then from that, we take those words and I guide them through a process where we end up with only eight words. And then we end up with one word that connects all eight of those words. And a lot of these words that come from other people, this person doesn't see themself as, let's say, disciplined.
00:11:05
Speaker
They don't see themselves so it what it does is it it puts them we we create a space where they They get to challenge some of these notions about themselves Why do I feel like I'm a fraud when six out of ten people see me as strong and disciplined? Sure. Yeah, so we'll we'll have this moment where they have one word and
00:11:27
Speaker
that is divinely inspired that allows them to connect to who they are outside of any performance. So it's almost like we create this space where, and then from there, and I help them engage those parts of their heart that they shut down in that process, but it's a positive approach to it, right?
00:11:45
Speaker
the confrontation with the lies and the vows of poverty, like I'm never gonna be poor, that kind of gets flushed out in that process, but it doesn't feel as threatening to those strong places in them that they've created these self-protective patterns from that vow.
Supportive Relationships and Vulnerability
00:12:01
Speaker
This is like a positive way, and what they're left with is kind of a new, fresh start, childlike, exuberant, innocent place where they can then begin to describe themselves to themselves again from
00:12:14
Speaker
free of all the constructs that they built. And I think I remember doing that, but specific for your gift, I remember there's, and maybe this was a different exercise that really impacted me meeting with you, was that because of your relationship with God,
00:12:38
Speaker
you will actually, you pulled a phrase, which was actually two words that encapsulated all of those other essence words for me. And, you know, it wasn't on that list we were talking and you're like, you know, I just keep hearing the phrase apostolic maverick. And to me, I literally have a reminder on my Alexa
00:13:04
Speaker
that goes off periodically. I've said it so that I don't know exactly when it goes off. And it literally just says, Josh, you are an apostolic maverick and it's time for you to be revealed. And so that one phrase is really something that I've been able to anchor in to keep me moving forward on kind of that external side of things.
00:13:24
Speaker
And what I like about the essence exercise is it doesn't matter if someone comes to me with their outer capacity muscle big or their inner capacity muscle too big, is it that essence exercise, and I do have a gift, that exercise is something I developed over 20 years and it really allows my essence to come
00:13:49
Speaker
And I get those I've done it now over 150 times and nine times out of 10, that phrase comes from me. And it it is definitely a divine gift that I have that allows people to see themselves from a fresh perspective.
Accountability and Growth Without Shame
00:14:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:06
Speaker
And I won't let, when we do that work, I won't let it end until I'm 100% satisfied that that person has had that epiphany moment. So we'll keep going at it until they get it. And we've never failed. I've had the most shut down heart people. It doesn't matter. That moment happens for everybody. Actually, I just had a call a couple weeks ago from a guy that I did it with him a year and a half ago. And he called me just to say,
00:14:35
Speaker
Hey, that thing we did a year and a half ago, it is suddenly blowing up in my life and I can't thank you enough. So I know I have that assurance that, yep, that's going to be one of those moments that is kind of like a reset for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. One way or the other, it's going to, it's going to work its way up. It makes sense. It's the essence. So wherever you're off kilter, it's moving you back to that center. And then from that place, you can describe, redescribe to yourself who you are outside of any rule, and then you can recalibrate your why.
00:15:05
Speaker
And then the Y becomes the bridge that then now transforms your how's and your what's. And so your how's and your what's were how's and what's like, how am I going to do this? What am I going to do? Those always have your essence in them. But oftentimes you've you've built those out of a vow of like, I'm never going to be poor again. And so by the time you get out there, you feel so far from who you truly are inside. And so getting that that fire rekindled allows for a realignment.
00:15:33
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And I remember times where you would piss me off because I would be woe as me or I would, I mean, I was in pain or I was grieving or I, you know, there was things that felt real to me.
00:15:49
Speaker
And out of that, I was making poor decisions at times. And I distinctly remember the times where you'd go, well, Josh, but that's not you. I understand that you just did that, or that you feel that, or that you think that, but that's not you. And I remember internally going,
00:16:04
Speaker
What are you talking about? Like, no, this is me. I chose to do this. I am acting out this way. I am feeling like you can't tell me this is not me, but it's because I couldn't see that back to that essence piece.
00:16:22
Speaker
Now I understand, okay, it's not me in the sense of what I'm choosing to look at or engage with is not me. It's not the truest sense of me. It's not that essence part of me. And you would help me kind of replug into that truest version of myself and essentially recalibrate and keep moving forward.
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah, one of the most extreme versions of that is I had a client who I did the essence exercise with. He got on fire. Everything was cruising along. He's an event space creator and he landed a gig with like the longest standing fashion iconic company ever. And did a big thing in Beverly Hills and like was just, I mean, like outer capacity was just
00:17:13
Speaker
We got him reconnected to his inner capacity and then he took it out into the world and it was just like, oh my gosh, like you are now internationally known.
Overcoming Shame for Genuine Growth
00:17:23
Speaker
And his outer capacity so exploded that he ended up having a moment where he made some bad decisions around his marriage and was kind of called me in a shame place.
00:17:38
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Like I've blown it. All the work we've done is for not. I'm so sorry. Like almost like I know you're going to fire me as a client. Sure. Yeah. And I had had that. Um, I think the most important thing, whether it's through a coach or a consultant is you have at least one person in your life. And there's certain people that are gifted at this. You're, you're gifted at it is where they're so good at creating a mere place where you can see clearly through their feedback. You get glimpses of who you really are.
00:18:07
Speaker
and that person holds that space for you. You know, accountability to me looks like someone not shaming you for bad behavior or giving you a discipline accountability program to beat yourself up, but it's someone that knows who you really are and can just remind you, dude, that's not who you are.
00:18:27
Speaker
I did that for him on the call. He goes, this is going to be a heavy call. He'd done some behavior that was really shameful to him. I said, no, this is not going to be a heavy call. I go, because that action is not who you are.
00:18:42
Speaker
same reaction as you. He's like, dude, that is who I am. I did it. And I'm like, no. And there's some shameful behaviors that all of us indulge in, whether it be thoughts where it's so connects to an old identity that is self-protective. And if somebody can be genuine and authentic and just say, I don't care how shameful what you did is, I know that's not you.
00:19:07
Speaker
It, it's like the biggest gift we can give each other as friends or coaches or consultants. It's, um, it, it takes practice and skill to learn how to do it. But also once you, even if you don't have friends that are good at that, if you get locked onto it, you can actually get your friends to help you do that. You can say, Hey, that, uh, Bible scripture that you're giving me right now or this accountability plan, that's actually not what I need right now. Sure. Yeah.
00:19:31
Speaker
All I need is just a space to kind of vomit this stuff up and have you remind me that that stuff isn't me. And I don't care. I'm not. Nobody I know is good at doing the vomit. And there's even less people. And the reason we're not good at it is because we've done it in the past and people have handled it wrong. Yeah. They've used it almost as a weapon against us to kind of to swage their own insecurities. Yeah. Good.
00:19:55
Speaker
And now I can help Josh and I can look like I'm the knight in shining armor. And the best thing I can do when someone does it, I can go, dude, I'm no different than you. I've done stupid stuff. I still struggle with those temptations, but I'm here for you and let's help each other, remind each other.
From Inner Growth to Practical Action
00:20:11
Speaker
So I do some crazy stuff and coaching.
00:20:14
Speaker
I recently called you and two other guys when I had one of the biggest failings in my marriage and I remember calling you and thinking in my mind, if I tell Josh this, our friendship is going to be over because he's going to go, hey, if you treat your wife that way. I mean, I didn't hit her. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything where the police would come.
00:20:33
Speaker
I, I was very insensitive to my wife in a way that I knew would hurt her. And that's the hard part about having a good marriage is you can, you have the goods on your spouse. And so in a moment you can, you can, you know, and so I feel like I betrayed her in terms of I hurt her and was insensitive in a way that, that when I called you for help, you,
00:20:59
Speaker
you were like, well, dude, thanks for telling me that and I'm here for you. And that I'm here for you part was, and you didn't say, well, what are you going to do to fix this? You didn't, you know, you were just like, okay. Well, what do you want to do next? I'm like, well, we're still friends. You're like, yep.
00:21:15
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, well, I didn't expect that, so that's cool. Because what I'd done was so tied to this shameful place of hiding in me that to expose that to anybody other than God felt like imminent destruction.
00:21:31
Speaker
And I think that was a pivotal moment, not just for my marriage, but for me as a man. And it's these really tender, vulnerable places where we come out of hiding that feel really risky, that we all need those places. Yeah. And I think it was also a couple of points with that is
00:21:52
Speaker
One, you didn't just call any Tom, Dick and Harry. We have six, seven, eight years, seven, eight years of building trust. And so we have the relational equity that we've created the space for one another in that. And I always say you need at least one, no more than three people of the same sex that you can reach out to that you've built that trust with, invite them into those spaces.
00:22:21
Speaker
Another thing you said that I think is really important is...
00:22:26
Speaker
God is, sometimes we are afraid to share things with God even though he sees and knows everything. But he's also the safest person to share with because he's unconditional love. He's the essence of unconditional love. So some people hide their shame in their relationship with God because they're terrified to let anyone else see it because we are human. It's no guarantee that we have unconditional love.
00:22:53
Speaker
Yeah. And I will say this in the beginning of this journey, cause seven, eight years ago, I moved to Reading and had no friends. Yeah. And you know, you and I began our friendship back then, but, um, in my beginning of this journey, you know, I went to a men's group.
00:23:09
Speaker
and we shared in a small group, and it was an artificial environment where guys were learning how to do what we do now, right? And it was just an environment where it felt risky, but the room was sealed with confidentiality. And I think sometimes in the beginning, you have to find it could be a therapy group, it could be a group of men that kind of informally do what we were doing, but you just... So before I met you and didn't have any friends, I would go to God with this stuff. Yeah.
00:23:39
Speaker
and he would sometimes would just bring the face of somebody to mind to call that I barely knew and I go and I would call and I wouldn't necessarily go and do a deep dive like you and I did but I would share a little bit and sure enough the person would go oh man I'm totally here for you and it began
00:23:58
Speaker
To build what you and i have posture of i'm gonna find out some way to find places where people handle vulnerability well and there are little laces is everywhere. And sometimes it might not be everything you need but if you get a little piece here a little piece there you can begin to build that muscle up to where you can.
00:24:20
Speaker
get rid of the junk that's defining who you are and be able to see clearly enough to dive into your essence and know who you are. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. So back to the two extremes that men fall into normally is, you know, we've touched on, and I know the essence piece or the essence exercise moves people to the center regardless of where they're at.
Connecting Inner Capacity to Outer Action
00:24:43
Speaker
Can you give some practical application for guys that were like me in the sense of you know what. I feel. Self aware I've been pursuing personal development personal health inner healing any and all of that.
00:25:02
Speaker
Yeah. And I just can't seem to hit my stride or build momentum. It's that external that feels either foreign or scary or unknown or impossible. Yeah. What are some other than meeting with you and committing to a process? What are a few things that you can give our audience where they can start to plug into practical ways to move them from the inner into building that momentum in the outer?
00:25:31
Speaker
Yeah, so most people that are
00:25:34
Speaker
have overindulged in their inner capacity or have built it up to the point where it needs to be connected to action. They're stuck in what I call the ER loop, which is the education revelation loop. So meaning usually if you find yourself reading a lot of books, listening to a lot of YouTube videos, and then spending your time in coffee shops talking about your latest epiphany, that's all great. And you can feel like you're making progress, but at some point the rubber has to hit the road.
00:26:03
Speaker
And so for the rubber to hit the road, I challenge people to create what I call vital behaviors. So number one is you've assessed the heck out of yourself. So the four steps are assess, dream, decide, act. So if you're an inner capacity person, you've done plenty of assessing. You've probably done some dreaming, but usually your dreaming doesn't have any practical deadlines attached to it.
00:26:28
Speaker
Yeah. So the first thing is you have to change your dream and actually have some measurable goals within the next three to six months. That's step one. Take your flowery, poetic, juicy dream and put something that is bolt on a practical and then announce it to someone that's going to like ask you about it. Like how you doing with that?
00:26:50
Speaker
So that's number one. Number two is then to then decide and decide what are the two or three things and no more than three that you're going to do rhythmically and at minimum every week that you believe are going to propel you towards achieving that measurable goal.
00:27:11
Speaker
And so that I call, so it's assess, dream, and then decide you make a decision. These are the two to three things and you, and you have to just be willing to be wrong because you, those two or three things that you pick three weeks later might, you might decide, actually, those aren't the things I need to be doing and you can change them, but you have to make a decision and I'm going to stick to these for two weeks or three weeks. So you decide and then you act and act means you integrate it into your calendar and you have some way to measure whether you did it every week or not.
00:27:39
Speaker
I use a weekly checklist and it's just a checkbox and I just say I did it or I didn't. And that's it. So that's how you connect inner capacity to outer capacity is you go from dreaming, you change your dream so it has a practical aspect of it. You make a decision and pick a vital behavior is something that you do rhythmically that you believe is, and you only pick two or three of them that you believe are going to allow you to achieve that goal.
00:28:05
Speaker
And I usually recommend only focusing on one area of your life to do that. We overestimate how much we can integrate, especially if we're used to not having the rubber hit the
Consistency's Ripple Effect
00:28:15
Speaker
road. Yeah, yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, it really does. And then and then you create a feedback loop where you don't completely disconnect from your inner capacity work. So at the end of each week, I will tell people, take a minute and measure out
00:28:33
Speaker
Because when you go out into the implementation integration part of this, you can tend to go back into old habits, especially if you're really good at your inner capacity work. You can begin to disconnect from who you authentically are. You can begin to go into old performance patterns that kind of drove you to inner capacity work to begin with.
00:28:51
Speaker
So the way to integrate these worlds and make sure that you don't get off track with your inner world is just a quick metric is what percentage of this week do I feel like I was connected to my authentic self? And if your answer is 40%, that's actually pretty good.
00:29:10
Speaker
Because most of us, if you really pause and measure it on any given week, I've been doing it week after week after week. And on a good week, I'm maybe 50 or 60%. And I'm fine with, hey, 40% of the week I checked out. I was performing, you know, I mean, I just had a call this morning before this call and I would say,
00:29:30
Speaker
I don't know, maybe, that was a pretty good one, maybe 60% of the time I was authentic, the other 40% I was in some weird performance thing, trying to make myself look bigger than I was or whatever. Or shrinking down to seem humble. Oh, you're the expert, I'm not. I mean, rather than just holding my own, like I'm not the expert, I'm just here contributing the value that I think I can contribute.
00:29:56
Speaker
Yeah. That's great. What are, um, I, cause I know that I've been guilty of it where, you know, you get these moments of inspiration connected with decision and you're like, you know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna set a budget. I'm gonna run three miles a day. I'm gonna change extra and I'm gonna meditate as well to like get everything checked to the box.
00:30:20
Speaker
What are, you know, you said it's best to focus on one area. Do you have, you know, two or three or four or five kind of primary areas that you can kind of, you can look at and weigh and go, okay, you know what? This is my either weakest area or this is the one area that I want to focus.
00:30:40
Speaker
Yeah, so I do an assessment with my clients and it's really simple. I use seven areas, but the top, I would say you don't have to do seven. Usually you'll know kind of what the two or three ones that have the most juice on them are. So like for me right now, mine are my finances.
00:30:58
Speaker
my health and my work. Those are the three areas. I feel pretty good about my relationship with my wife. I actually feel really good about it. So I'm not overly focused on that. My friendships are in good shape, so I'm not really... So there's three areas. So the areas I would suggest looking at are finances, work, your spiritual life, your mental life, relationships,
00:31:28
Speaker
What else? Oh, and fun. That's a big one. Yeah. So, so I, I think of it this way. I think mind, body, spirit, body's health, spiritual life is spiritual life. And mind is more kind of like, how am I doing? Am I, do I have obsessive thoughts? So mind, body, spirit, fun, work, relationships, finance. And I rate those one to 10. So I can do that in about 10 minutes, just one to 10, those seven areas.
00:31:54
Speaker
And then usually one of them will kind of jump out at me. I only allow myself to work on two areas at a time. It doesn't mean that I'm not paying attention to the other stuff, but I kind of let that hum along as normal and I push into either one or two. So right now I'm pushing into my health and my finances. And then I have, and I've been doing this for a long time, so I've learned that I have the capacity
00:32:19
Speaker
to really have no more than one or two vital behaviors in each one of those areas. So like right now my vital behavior for health is I go on a walk every morning. I've been doing that now for 60 days and it's become like automatic. I went for a walk this morning.
00:32:39
Speaker
And what I used to do in that area though was what you talked about before, which is, oh my gosh, I'm overweight, I'm out of shape. I'm going to sign up for this triathlon four months from now. I'm going to go on YouTube and I'm going to do exactly what this season triathlete recommends that beginners do. And it requires 10 vital behaviors. And I'm actually going to do all those and sustain that for three months. I'm going to do the event and then it's all going to come crumbling down because it was too much too soon for me.
00:33:07
Speaker
even though I followed the beginner's plan and at the same time, I'm going to get my debt paid off and I'm going to deepen my relationship with my wife and I'm going to go on three vacations a year with my kids and my family, right? I would have this shiny huge plan. Yeah. And now it's like, I'm going to take a walk every day. Right. And what happened was after three 30 days of taking a walk every day, one Saturday I woke up and I went, I want to go for a swim.
00:33:34
Speaker
And I just was natural. So I went, well, I'm going to go swim this morning. And then the next weekend, it's like, I'm going to swim and I'm going to bike because it just feels natural.
00:33:44
Speaker
And so after like 60 days of that, I'm up to walking 30 miles a week, which is the equivalent of a marathon.
Personal Growth and Relationship Impact
00:33:52
Speaker
I don't do it all in one day and I'm doing a mini triathlon every other weekend, but it's coming from this. It started with just, I'm just going to walk every day. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And how has, let's use the walk as an example, focusing on the physical for you. How has that created a ripple effect into other areas?
00:34:12
Speaker
Yeah. So here's the cool thing is any area where you're not accomplishing your practical goals, everything connects to everything. So if you, even though I'm not focused very much on my finances a little bit, I'm letting everything else just kind of be on maintenance. What's happening is because I had to come face to face with what's really, what I'm really believing deep inside about my health and myself,
00:34:41
Speaker
whatever wherever you're stuck in getting breakthrough in that one little micro area. It's usually the same pattern that's blocking you over here and over here and over here. So if you if you dare to kind of ignore everything else and focus on this one area, what you'll find
00:34:57
Speaker
is after about 60 to 90 days, you'll suddenly spontaneously have breakthrough in other areas. My wife and I's relationship has improved a lot because she's watching me overcome stuff that she's seen me struggle with for five years. There's this attraction that's happening. She'll say, I am so proud of you.
00:35:21
Speaker
I I've never seen you'd be so consistent with this and I'm not even soliciting it She's just so it's it's allowing it's it's her level of respect for me is going up and like any man I love being respected by my wife So and I might my love language is words of affirmation. So I'm getting that that tank filled without Working on it at all.
Embracing Mediocrity in Growth
00:35:43
Speaker
It's just a natural
00:35:45
Speaker
Outcome of that. Okay. Yeah, I love that. I absolutely love that. I think There's there's so much value in consistency Right. I mean I know Myself as well as so many other guys they hide in inconsistency right where if you can keep restarting something You don't have to keep the pressure on it long enough to find out where you're hiding
00:36:07
Speaker
And the thing about consistency is, like you said, it kind of forces you out of hiding because you're going to have a bunch of mediocre performances, right? And you have to just be honest, like, well, I'm mediocre right now. Whereas if you just focus on like the Facebook worthy or Instagram worthy moments, you can kind of create this delusion that you're
00:36:28
Speaker
super awesome all the time. I'm mediocre and I'm actually proud and I feel like being honest with my mediocrity is giving me the potential to build on a foundation that can have me have these shining moments that in the midst of it's
00:36:47
Speaker
I think the hardest thing for me in it is sometimes I just feel the dullness of that. It's like men leave life as quiet desperation. And I'm more connected to that now than ever. It's like, huh. But there's some comfort in it, like admitting, yep, I have some areas where I'm just kind of, it's just kind of quietly desperate for now. Absolutely. And it's okay.
00:37:15
Speaker
It won't stay there forever if I can just settle into
Creating Spaces for Men's Growth
00:37:19
Speaker
it. Yeah, exactly. And not flinch, not want to run from it and create some new, amazing, Instagram worthy moment. Absolutely. Like a triathlon that I finished and had the metal around my neck. And then you, your pendulum swings the other way, Donald's.
00:37:36
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, I don't know about you, but I feel like I just had a session with you because it's there so much. It's kind of like I feel like we opened the fire hose of depth that you offer. And so thank you so much for taking the time.
00:37:54
Speaker
How can it i mean if somebody's listening and they're like oh wow i need to find dave because i need him to flip my world upside down yeah. Two things one is practically how can they find you what are you up to what do you have going on and also. What is one or two things.
00:38:15
Speaker
outside of everything else you've shared that you would want to say to the audience, um, just, just out of your heart for where you're at right now. Sure. Um, so number one, uh, my website, David Charleston, coaching.com. And my last name is C H A R L S O N coaching.com. Uh, I have a virtual retreat coming up, uh, executive retreat at the end of September.
00:38:43
Speaker
Okay. Uh, I have, uh, and then I do one-on-one in group coaching. So you can look, hook me up that way. Um, and then the two things, um, the thing I'm the most passionate about is helping people overcome shame. Mm. Yeah. And, um, there's a video I have called shame demystifying shame. I can't remember. It's if you go on Vimeo and type in demystifying shame, you'll probably find it. If not. We'll add the link to the show notes.
00:39:13
Speaker
Okay, cool. But in that video, the easiest way I know... So the way to know that you're in a shame situation versus fear, because sometimes fear is just like, oh, I feel stuck. I feel paralyzed. Shame has its own flavor. If it's shame dominant, if the stuck feeling is shame dominant, it is usually you'll know it because you'll be angry at the world or you just want to hide. So you either want to be blaming everybody.
00:39:39
Speaker
or you want to be hiding. And the easiest way to overcome that is with two things. It's healthy vulnerability, which could just be sending someone a text, say, hey, I'm struggling. Yeah, doesn't have to be a big, you know, healthy vulnerability, just a little tiny dose of it is all you need to kind of help pop you out of it. And then compassion, because as you say it out of your mouth, I'm struggling, you'll usually most guys feel like, oh, God, that feels weak. It feels, yeah, demasculate. You know, it feels
00:40:09
Speaker
And it's just to have compassion for that part of you that isn't necessarily the masculine guy that you want to be yet. So that's it. Just healthy vulnerability and compassion. Those two can unlock a lot. That's it. Simple yet really hard. So easy. Oh my gosh. It's like after this, I would, I would just, just that's a two step process to unlock everything. Yeah. Two step program to your authentic self.
00:40:35
Speaker
Well, Dave, thank you so much. Like I said already, it's just been a privilege and an honor to not only have you on as a podcast guest, but also as a friend. I attribute who I am today and in large part to you being one of the voices that has brought me to this place. So thank you for lending your strength and your wisdom to our audience and to me throughout the years.
00:40:59
Speaker
Yeah, thank you for doing something for men because there's not a lot happening for men. So I just really know that more and more men are going to come to this because it's hard for men to find this.
Reflecting on the Conversation and Future Support
00:41:13
Speaker
So thanks for consistently creating the space and going for it because I know that, you know,
00:41:20
Speaker
however long it takes, you know, the numbers of people that will be attracted to this will grow and grow and grow and grow and grow, because I don't see many places where this is happening. Yeah. I'm excited to be in this space. Awesome. Yeah. All right. All right. That's it. OK. Call it a wrap.