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Why You Should Use "Feeling Like a Fraud" as Fuel & Encouragement | Ep #37
47 Plays4 years ago
As men, we've all felt like a fraud at some point but did you know it could actually be a positive thing? I'm not talking about hiding behind false humility or using it as a way to emotionally abuse yourself into "success".
I'm referring to using the feeling of being a fraud as an indicator that you're moving through the stages of competency. Once you learn how to identify it within the stages you begin to see how to use it as an encouragement to keep moving forward rather than a catalyst for a self-doubting spiral.
Stages of competencyUnconscious incompetence
The individual does not understand or know how to do something and does not necessarily recognize the deficit. They may deny the usefulness of the skill. The individual must recognize their own incompetence, and the value of the new skill, before moving on to the next stage. The length of time an individual spends in this stage depends on the strength of the stimulus to learn.[5]
Conscious incompetence
Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, they recognize the deficit, as well as the value of a new skill in addressing the deficit. The making of mistakes can be integral to the learning process at this stage.
Conscious competence
The individual understands or knows how to do something. However, demonstrating the skill or knowledge requires concentration. It may be broken down into steps, and there is heavy conscious involvement in executing the new skill.[5]
Unconscious competence
The individual has had so much practice with a skill that it has become "second nature" and can be performed easily. As a result, the skill can be performed while executing another task. The individual may be able to teach it to others, depending upon how and when it was learned.
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Transcript
Understanding Masculinity Beyond Stereotypes
00:00:00
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Is Feeling Like a Fraud a Good Thing?
00:00:28
Speaker
Today we're talking about a topic that I personally have wrestled with for a big chunk of my adult life, and that's feeling like a fraud. And we'll get into the details in the episode, but the bottom line is that if you feel like a fraud, it's actually an indicator of a really positive thing in your life.
00:00:47
Speaker
might be hard to see, understand, or believe that to be true, but it is if you have the right perspective on that emotion. So we're gonna dive into why that is an accurate statement and how you can change your perspective on feeling like a fraud so that it's actually something that strengthens your relationship with men, brings intimacy with yourself and others,
00:01:12
Speaker
and gives you momentum for moving forward rather than putting you into an isolation trap that actually pulls you away from the very thing that you're supposed to be leaning into.
Supporting the Conversation on Healthy Masculinity
00:01:26
Speaker
Now, if you haven't already, I ask that you take a few minutes and leave some reviews, subscribe to the podcast, the whole deal. It always means a lot to me to see the reviews and
00:01:39
Speaker
you know, just helps the algorithm to see the action with the podcast. And my heart is really to help move forward the conversation of healthy masculinity. And that only happens when you could do your part to spread the word. All right, let's go ahead and dive into how in the world feeling like a fraud can be a good thing for you.
Exploring Impostor Syndrome
00:02:16
Speaker
I have had a lot of experiences in my life, and with those, I have become confident in certain areas.
00:02:24
Speaker
I'm driven, I work hard, I try to do my best, I fight for what I believe in, and yet with all of that said, there's a lot of times that I feel like a fraud. And feeling like a fraud, it's interesting how it can strip away my strength and it really can eat away at the core of who I am. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't feel like this all the time, but I also won't pretend that it doesn't exist and hasn't existed throughout my life.
00:02:54
Speaker
And it's interesting because until maybe the last couple years, I didn't really realize that I am not alone in that. As a matter of fact, there's a huge percentage of people that believe the same thing that I do. We often struggle with imposter syndrome or feeling like a fraud. And when I say we often,
00:03:17
Speaker
There was a study done in the early 80s that showed that an estimated two out of five people that are successful, they actually consider this themselves a fraud. And that 70% of all people
00:03:31
Speaker
they feel like an imposter at one time or another. So let's just think about that stat for a second. I live in Austin, Texas, and it's a rough estimate, but there's about two million people here, and growing, it's an extremely fast growing city. But out of two million people, if 70% have felt like an imposter at some time in their life, or struggle with feeling like a fraud,
00:03:58
Speaker
That's 1.4 million people out of a city of 2 million that are feeling the same way.
Impact of Social Media on Self-Perception
00:04:05
Speaker
Trying our best, doing our best to grow and set aside social media. We're not even talking about the implications and impact of that when it comes to feeling like a fraud.
00:04:16
Speaker
When you stare at everybody else's highlight reel, it's well documented how it leads to depression and anxiety and isolation, loneliness, all of that is a factor. But one of them, one of the factors is this sense of feeling like you don't have it together. See, as a human race, we're hardwired to advance. I mean, you can look throughout history and see the compound effect of how humanity pushes forward.
00:04:41
Speaker
You think about it, the internet was created in what, 1990? So in 30 years, you have over 3 billion people on the internet. Something new that was created. Almost half of the world has access to it within 30 years. With that kind of growth and acceleration, it's undeniable. I mean, that's probably one of the most in your face examples.
00:05:06
Speaker
But it's undeniable that we are meant to grow. And my point with that and why that factors in with feeling like a fraud is because you cannot grow without bumping up against feeling like a fraud at times.
The Role of Growth and Confronting Fraudulence
00:05:21
Speaker
Because the only way that you can advance from where you are, whether it's as a society or as an individual,
00:05:27
Speaker
is to go beyond what you currently know, or to stretch yourself outside of what you've experienced so far, or even confront what you currently believe. If you choose to stay within the boundary of what you're spoon fed and comfortable with, you may not feel like a fraud, but you're probably gonna feel miserable. It leads to a very empty, passive life to just be okay with
00:05:55
Speaker
Accepting where you are without stretching yourself.
00:05:59
Speaker
And again, this ties into that sense of feeling like a fraud because a lot of times I feel like a fraud that's almost goes hand in hand with, I feel alone in that, right? I'm, I'm feeling like a fraud right now. I'm doubting my capabilities, what I have to offer, what I feel inspired by, what I can give to others. And I'm the only one that feels that way or.
00:06:28
Speaker
I don't trust myself well enough to own that part of myself and invite others into that. And so I become loneliness. I become the epitome of loneliness. And then you fall into this trap where nobody really knows you, right? If you don't have this core group of individuals around you that you lower your guard with and you let them see that side of you and you're honest with yourself and with them that, hey, I feel like I'm a fraud.
00:06:58
Speaker
then all of a sudden you fall back on this lie internally that everybody else has their shit together except you. Or that the people that you see that are really doing well in life, they haven't felt like a fraud or they haven't failed.
00:07:16
Speaker
or they haven't doubted themselves as they move forward. And that's just not true. It's fundamentally not true. So the question is, how do you fight that lie? How do you push up against that very real feeling of, I feel like a fraud right now.
Diffusing the Power of Impostor Feelings
00:07:34
Speaker
Well, first you can start by feeling really empowered by the truth. And that might sound really simple, but when you understand the truth of something, the matter of fact that it is a lie, the reality of it, it actually diffuses some of its power that it has in your life.
00:07:53
Speaker
Now, what's an example of that? I have clients that I meet with and they say that I feel like I'm going crazy, right? Because all of a sudden we're navigating their inner world in a way that they haven't confronted or understood before. And normally I'll say, well, that's okay. I promise this isn't your new norm. This isn't your new reality. And when I say that truth and it confronts the lie of them feeling crazy in that moment, I literally see their faces change.
00:08:20
Speaker
I see panic and anxiety leave them because they find hope in understanding that, okay, this isn't here to stay, it will pass. And the same is true when it comes to feeling like a fraud. Understanding that you will not always feel like a fraud, that you are not alone in feeling like a fraud. Accepting that most of us feel that from time to time. I know I still do to this day. It should give you hope.
00:08:49
Speaker
It should give you permission to be okay with having that feeling. At the same time, not falling prey to letting that feeling take the wind out of your sails of whatever it is that you're trying to move forward in life in. See, a lot of times for me, when I have felt like a fraud or when I am bumping up against getting ready to launch a new course or a men's group or whatever it may be, I have friends that I call and I go, you know what?
00:09:16
Speaker
man, I really wanna launch this, but one, I'm terrified, and two, I don't have my stuff together, or I'm just coming up out of depression, or I haven't built enough consistency in my own life in these areas, and I'm looking at the areas that I am dismissing, and I'm looking at the areas that I need to work on rather than looking at the areas that I've grown in, and that leads to me feeling like I feel like a fraud in this moment.
00:09:44
Speaker
And I'll tell you probably nine times out of 10, what I hear in responses, Oh yeah, I felt like that. Especially my friends that are entrepreneurs. I don't know a single entrepreneur that hasn't felt like a fraud. And most men when they're brutally honest with themselves have those moments as well. And all of a sudden, when I don't feel alone in that, then I'm going, okay, I still have something to offer. I still.
00:10:09
Speaker
have a gift of helping men connect to their inner world. I might feel like a fraud, but I've fought for understanding and strength internally in these areas and gain ground in this, et cetera. But it starts with removing that lie of I'm alone and feeling like a fraud and finding connection instead of isolation.
Competence Stages and Feeling Like a Fraud
00:10:32
Speaker
Not only that, but sometimes that feeling, that feeling of
00:10:37
Speaker
I don't have it all together or feel like a fraud. That can actually be a good indicator. I just bear with me in this because you need to hear me out. You know, I'd have already alluded to the fact that you need to make mistakes in order to stretch and grow. And we as humans do that.
00:10:55
Speaker
I'm not talking about failing. That's a completely different episode. You know, there's a book called failing forward. That's a New York times bestseller for a reason because those that advance often fail, but in that you can feel like a fraud, but there are, there's something called the four stages of competency. And one of them is really easily an area where you can feel like a fraud, but it's actually not the beginning of the stage of competency. It's further along.
00:11:23
Speaker
And really quickly, just in case you don't fully know what those are, you have unconscious incompetence. You don't understand or know how to do something and you don't really necessarily recognize the lack or the deficit in that. In a sense, you're ignorant to the fact that you don't know how to do something. Then you have conscious incompetence.
00:11:44
Speaker
And even though you don't really understand or know how to do something, you recognize that there's a deficit or that there is a value in learning some new skill. And then you have conscious competence where you understand or you know how to do something, but when you demonstrate it or you start to engage in it, it really requires you to focus and concentrate and kind of take the individual steps that are presented to you in order to understand it.
00:12:14
Speaker
And it really requires you to focus. And then you reach the stage of unconscious competence, where you've had so much practice, right? It's the 10,000 hours of doing something, where it becomes second nature, and it's really easy for you. Well, that third stage, the conscious competence, that's a lot of times where you find yourself feeling like a fraud.
00:12:36
Speaker
So in the areas of growth, it's actually the third out of four. You're already on step three out of four when it comes to really understanding and owning something because you've recognized you've moved beyond not even recognizing that you need to learn or grow or do something better.
00:12:54
Speaker
And then you have realized that you need to learn or grow or do something better. And now you're at the stage of trying to do that. You're trying to engage in that, whatever it may be. But you haven't arrived at the place of the 10,000 hours. You haven't arrived at the place of its second nature. And for me, that's really in the area that I feel I can find myself feeling like a fraud.
00:13:16
Speaker
And if you have a relationship with hopelessness or self-hatred or self-doubt or the variety of other things that can happen internally as a byproduct of feeling like a fraud, you can get caught up in where you're not rather than seeing it for what it is, which is you are moving forward in your understanding, in your growth, in your self-realization, in your healing, in your journey.
Vulnerability and Relationship Building
00:13:42
Speaker
You're actually at a stage that's good.
00:13:45
Speaker
And you're only at that stage of feeling like a fraud because you've moved forward far enough to bump into it. So you're not alone in feeling like a fraud. It's actually can be an opportunity for you to strengthen relationships, right? Where if you have those people that you can reach out to, that you can be honest with having that can you, it requires vulnerability.
00:14:10
Speaker
And us guys aren't necessarily great at that, but when you are, you deepen and strengthen relationships that you metaphorically or relationally link arms with and continue to move forward in this life that we get. And speaking of moving forward, that feeling of feeling like a fraud means you are moving forward. It means you're not being stagnant or passive or sitting on the sidelines of life, but you're exposing yourself to other new things that require your attention and your focus.
00:14:39
Speaker
And when you do that, that's where you find some of your strengths. I know for me doing, it started by crashing and burning and not even realizing that emotions mattered.
Personal Growth and Emotional Understanding
00:14:49
Speaker
Thank you, Marine Corps and other things in the vein of my past and history that taught me that. So I was at that first stage of, I didn't even know that it mattered. And then when I crashed and burned, I realized it mattered, but I didn't know what to do with it. So I met with somebody every week for nine months.
00:15:07
Speaker
where I just poured out my insides and realized that I had a whole lot of crap I had to work on. And the evolution of that led to I actually became friends with the guy that I met with and realized I had a gift for helping other men navigate their same inner world, or not the same inner world, but we all have an inner world we have to navigate. And I realized that I have a strength in that, but I was still working on my stuff. And this was probably about six or seven years ago.
00:15:34
Speaker
And the guy I was meeting with, he challenged me to actually take on clients and begin working with individuals. And I found myself still dealing with my stuff, still having bad habits, still struggling with depression at times, still going on emotional roller coasters from tried businesses that failed, et cetera. But I also realized that I had a gift to be able to help others.
00:15:56
Speaker
And so I stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out there. And for the last seven years, I've been working with people and I'm still not, I would not say that I'm still at the place of understanding that I've mastered my skill, but I'm getting closer to that metaphorical 10,000 hour mark where I'm beginning to see, Oh yeah, okay. I actually do have a gift for this. And it's not so much a question of where I'm at, but understanding the gift that I have to be able to help men.
00:16:24
Speaker
navigate their inner world and articulate it in a way that it resonates and can actually move them forward. I can tell you right now, when I launched this podcast, I felt like a fraud. I had gotten a divorce about a year prior and my thought process was, well, who the hell am I to launch a podcast on masculinity when I couldn't even make my marriage work?
00:16:46
Speaker
When I can see the areas that I had a victim mentality or I didn't take ownership, there were areas that I did try really hard and fought for it. And a marriage requires two people to want it, et cetera. But there was also a lot of areas that I dropped the ball.
00:17:01
Speaker
So who am I to say that I'm someone who can host a podcast on masculinity to help men? But in launching the podcast and articulating these different things in the episodes that I've put out, beginning to understand and see the hours that I have invested really do stand for something, really do mean something, and I'm still a work in progress.
00:17:24
Speaker
I still have my days that I'm in funks and I don't want to get up and I don't want to do what I need to. And I have my moments where I don't want to be as loving as I know that I need to in response to my kids if I'm tired or frustrated. But then I apologize to them or I apologize to myself and I keep moving forward.
Embracing Vulnerability for Deeper Connections
00:17:42
Speaker
If you feel like a fraud, one of the best things you can do
00:17:45
Speaker
Is be honest with that invite others into that And keep moving forward if you don't give up you'll win You will hit a tipping point internally when what it is that you're fighting for you realize there is a payoff It's one of my favorite things that when i'm working with men and they're asking me how long this is going to last and I say I don't know because every individual is different
00:18:09
Speaker
And then we have a meeting where we've met five times, nine times, 25 times, and they come back to me and they're like, Josh, I had a great week. I tried this, this, and this, and there was actually a different response from my wife. Or I felt different when I got into this situation at work and there was actually a change. And there's excitement in that area. So my question is,
00:18:33
Speaker
Do you feel like a fraud if you don't? Well, you're one of the very, very few people that don't. But if you do, doesn't matter for me, it was in helping men and articulating our inner world. It may be in learning the banjo, I don't know, whatever it may be. But what areas do you feel like a fraud right now? And once you identify them, I challenge you to invite other men into those areas to be honest with them.
00:18:59
Speaker
to sit down over a beer and a cigar or over a glass of wine or a glass of water, doesn't matter what it is, doesn't have to be alcohol. And just be brutally honest and invite those men in and see if I'm wrong. I'm willing to bet that I'm not and you're gonna find deeper connection and relationship with men.
00:19:18
Speaker
who if they're also honest, more than likely are just waiting for other men to have the courage to be honest with themselves, to invite a safe enough space for them to be honest with themselves.
Rethinking Fraudulence and Isolation
00:19:30
Speaker
If you feel like a fraud, it's not a bad thing. When it becomes bad is when you become isolated in it. So don't be alone because you're not. And don't let the lie that feeling like a fraud is either a bad thing or is an excuse or a reason for you to step back
00:19:47
Speaker
from the very thing that you're leaning into if you're moving outside of what you've become comfortable with. You will find that tipping point and you will also find men to link arms with you when you lower your guard and be willing to be vulnerable and invite them into that bullshit lie that says that you are not qualified in this area that you really wanna master.