Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Boundaries and Planning Your Wedding | Episode 10
85 Plays3 months ago
Family dynamics can be one of the hardest parts of wedding planning—especially when money, guest lists, and strong opinions get involved. In Episode 10 of Behind I Do, two seasoned wedding planners talk through wedding boundaries, parent involvement, and how to navigate the “guest list war” without losing your mind (or your relationships). We cover what changes when parents are paying, how to set expectations early, how to handle plus-ones and kids, and practical, kind scripts for saying “no” while staying a united front. We also talk about the emotional side—grief, control dynamics, divorce/step-parent logistics—and why looping in your planner early can save a ton of stress. Grab your coffee, your planning binder, and your confetti—let’s go Behind I Do.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction: Wedding Planning Insights
00:00:00
Speaker
Planning a wedding comes with timelines, trends, expectations, and a whole lot that couples never see coming. We're two wedding planners pulling back the curtain on what really happens behind I do Each week on Behind I do we bring you real talk about real weddings, timelines, trends, the wins, and the from the smooth as silk celebrations to the did that actually just happen moments we're sharing the stories lessons and insider knowledge that help couples plan with confidence and maybe even laugh along the way Whether you're a brideegroom vendor or wedding lover at heart, this is your backstage to the world of weddings told candidly, graciously, and with the expertise only seasoned planners can offer Grab your coffee, binder, and your confetti and join us behind I do
00:00:43
Speaker
All right. Episode 10, family dynamics and wedding boundaries.
Family Dynamics and Financial Contributions
00:00:47
Speaker
Spicy one. All the drama. want to help. So I think... right so the first part of this is when parents are paying which is i mean i think pretty common a pretty traditional thing that a lot of parents if they're able to want to and want to help so i think Again, this kind of goes back into our last episode of like in the beginning talking... A lot of this will kind of relate to that, talking through budgets and that kind of stuff. But like deciding like who gets say. Like obviously, most importantly, the couple should have
00:01:16
Speaker
the the most say but i think having though again those conversations with like your parents and your family or whoever is involved in paying who's planning and kind of who is getting to make some of these calls so i mean I think, too, some of our parents that we get to work with, they're like, this is what we're giving you we don't Not that they don't care, but they're like, you make the decisions. Whereas others, I have a lot of moms that come to almost every meeting. So i think just having those conversations and like talking through like you know family traditions if there's cultural things that
00:01:51
Speaker
you know must take place and we're family standards. Like we've had some weddings where it's like the the parents really are like, play to dinner. So like having those conversations like, okay, that's great. play to dinner. But like, obviously that's to be more expensive. So just kind having those conversations, bar is another one. Like some parents are very opinionated like guests should not have to pay a drink. So just again, having those conversations they even get a say obviously that's gonna be more expensive so just kind of having those conversations full bar is another one like some parents are very opinionated on like guests should not have to pay for a drink so just again having those conversations of do they even get a say
Budgeting and Decision Making
00:02:19
Speaker
Because are they helping pay? like, I mean, we were talking earlier, like, are they like $10,000, which is a lot But is that, $10,000 straight to the catering? And so it's like, okay, they get all the say with With catering decisions. And nowhere else. Like...
00:02:25
Speaker
but is that you know ten thousand going straight to the catering and so it's like okay they get all the say with food with catering to so nowhere else like Yeah, just prioritizing that in the beginning is just going to help set you up for success for the planning process and understanding, This is who's to be in decision-making.
00:02:41
Speaker
This is should over quotes. This is we're to give the
00:02:46
Speaker
your spouse and their mom and their your spouse and their dad and just being able to really be clear from the beginning this is who's going to be involved in decisionmaking this is who should look over quotes this is who we're gonna give the final say to and is that parent, is that spouse, is that two as a couple have to be the same page? Because having those early conversations really prevent a lot headache the line. And just asking, I think most specifically it's parents, but maybe it's aunt and uncle someone who's wanting to pay. want to be? much care about what the flowers like?
00:03:11
Speaker
And just getting a feel and like just asking i think most specifically it's your parents but maybe it's your aunt and uncle or someone who's wanting to pay like how involved do you want to be how much do you care about what the flowers look like and just getting a feel for What's important to them. What's important to them. Because most parents have a things that are important to them, but the rest it they kind want to Yeah. have a that's like a best friend and they're like, everything's important to me. Like, reliving Yeah. Like, I want to make all the decisions with They want to be at all the planning meetings. Yeah. Yeah.
00:03:36
Speaker
a mom that's like a best friend and they're like everything's important to me like i'm i'm reliving my waydding yeah yeah i want to make all the decisions they want to be at all the planning meetings yeah yeah so All are great. And any, you know family involvement is so amazing.
Managing Parental Involvement
00:03:51
Speaker
But it's just learning how to work with those dynamics. So starting those conversations early.
00:03:56
Speaker
and i think too especially because in our like i said in our initial meaning like i asked those questions like Who's in the planning? Who's helping pay? Like, and it's not, and I think sometimes couples think it's like a, like they're like, like a judgmental thing. And it's like, like us as a planner, it's so us to like who's to be Like, I have one right where both moms come to every single meeting and it's so great.
00:04:08
Speaker
But like even them alone, their personalities, to are very different. And even then the bride's very different. So it's like us to what the dynamic is leading into a planning, who's going to be involved like oh i have one right now where both moms come to every single meeting and it's so great but like even them alone their personalities mom to mom are very different and even then the brides very different so it's like good for us to know what the dynamic is leading into a planning process because it kind of helps us figure out, like, again, who gets to make a say, like who at the end of the day gets to make the final call or like who doesn't get to so that we know like okay that's great but you know what i mean like kind of just really helps your planner also
00:04:46
Speaker
When they have a better idea of like, who's involved and what the fight family And I think one of our biggest intentions of asking that question, too, is helping grooms think about that.
00:04:57
Speaker
because they likely may have not even considered the dynamics of their parents before they called us and so it helps also put that into their heads like oh I didn't think that if my mom is paying, at these meetings we should these things. Like include her.
00:05:11
Speaker
maybe we should we should have her be at these meetings or we should do these things and salute her I think it's a good thing to just sit with for a little bit and try to figure out what that's going to look like in your wedding planning process hundred a percent Yeah, and then, I mean, as far as, like, what's reasonable when, like, parents are paying and that kind looks, I mean, I I think that's such, like, a tricky question because I think it depends, again, like, family dynamics, like, financial situations, lifestyle. Like, I I mean, I guess if wanted to give me $10,000, be, like, thrilled.
00:05:32
Speaker
what I mean? Like, that's a lot So I think it just... such like a turkey question because i think it depends again on like you on your family dynamics on like financial situations on lifestyle like i don't know i mean i guess if my mom wanted to give me ten thousand dollars i'd be like thrill you know to mean like that's a lot of money so i think it just I think what's reasonable depends on the situation and like what your parents
Balancing Financial Help and Control
00:05:56
Speaker
is comfortable with you know again like kind of just what that looks like dynamic-wise
00:06:04
Speaker
So I It's like some parents are like, Ali was saying are like best friends and they're like, want to be and like financially invested and like all these things. And that's great. Where some are like, I have $5,000 to give like with it what want. Yeah. And that too is such a thing to when they're, when have that budget conversation that we talked about in last episode,
00:06:17
Speaker
do with it what you want yeah and that too is such a good thing to know when' when you have that budget conversation that we talked about in our last episode What does that look like? Are they giving a blank check for yeah an x amount or is it like we will book vendors as they come in and we want to know who they are and what they have to offer and what food selections you made? So all of those are going to depend on what's reasonable. And at the end of the day, it has to feel reasonable to you and your partner married. Yeah. Because...
00:06:46
Speaker
What feels reasonable to us, even from Jaden to myself, is going to look so different with what choices we give our parents and what choices we keep for ourselves so i think you just have to take this to heart and like sit with it and so make sure that it feels good for you and your partner Yeah. And I think, again, just like step by step when you're booking things. I mean, A, like we said, you need to have like a realistic budget. But then as you're booking things like, yeah, if it does, if that seems like not reasonable and it's like one of these vendors is like
00:07:17
Speaker
way more than you like envision paying for like a photographer than like having those conversations of like That's not reasonable. I don't want to use, you know the budget that mom and dad gave us all on one vendor or something. So I think just, yeah, again, sitting back with it and kind of really being realistic.
00:07:36
Speaker
and just this is a hard like this is one of the harder parts of wedding planning i think is the family dynamics that come into play all throughout your wedding day but especially in that the months leading up to your wedding your family can kind of make or break your planning process and have to decide like much to
Partner Engagement in Planning
00:07:55
Speaker
let it affect Yeah. But I think if planning right at home and really stressed out because mother-in-law has a lot input mom's whoever it is, like that not alone because this is a very And I think that's a thing where it's like I've had, I mean, again, I think having us there helps, but I think having that conversation with spouse is,
00:08:05
Speaker
your mom's bugging or whoever it is like know that you're not alone because this is a very common problem and i do think that's a thing where it's like i've had i mean again i think having us there helps but i think having that conversation with your spouse I mean, again, this is what marriage is about and having those tough conversations and like, look like I know your mom really wants to be involved and I appreciate it. However, like it's really stressing me out or it's really frustrating me. And I think being comfortable with your spouse and having those conversations now like there was a couple that the mom was so heavily involved and like not always in the most helpful way like we would even like meet the bright and i would meet early
00:08:46
Speaker
just so we get through things before the show And it's just, and I just always tell her, it's like, having these conversations with is to make marriage so much better. It's like, just think about when start having kids and like, need to set these boundaries and can that in a nice way. So I think just like having those conversations with significant other so that it doesn't just like derail all planning and make miserable. Yeah. a year the rest marriage. Like there are,
00:08:59
Speaker
and you can do that in a nice way so i think just like having those conversations with your significant other so that it doesn't just like derail all your wedding pun and make you miserable yeah for a year or for the rest of your marriage like yeah there are Family dynamics that over planning and probably never recover. Right. And speaking that, like not to like call grooms out, but like grooms, if listening significant others, give this to spouse. If this is them, like the ones where they're like, that's just like is. And she's been like that whole life. And there's nothing I can about it. Like stand significant other, like help them, like be that voice in between them, because that makes spouse you know significant others give this to your spouse if this is them like the ones where they're like well that's just like how my mom is and she's been like that my whole life and there's nothing i can do about it like stand up for your significant other like help them like be that voice in between them because that makes your spouse so or significant so uncomfortable it's like they don't want to be mean to your parent but it's like don't like i've i've seen so many and it usually is grooms like we're not asking to hurt their feelings but like
00:09:49
Speaker
it's like their motherson relationship and it's like they're just like that's you know they don't want to get involved they don't want to cause drama they don't want to hurt their mom's feelings and it's like we're not asking you to hurt their feelings but like stand up for your significant other and support them and be like united
Guest List Management
00:10:04
Speaker
front. Yes. And be like, really appreciate your help. However, like, can you just like take a step back and like, let her make this decision or let him make this decision or whatever it is.
00:10:13
Speaker
i think that's sometimes the hardest part is when the groom is just like just is what it is yeah also with us even though this is slightly off topic but like for your you know bride groom bride bride whatever it is like both of you Need to like initially in these conversations also like understand who's going to be planning what and like yeah be okay with that. Like we do have brides that plan their entire wedding and the groom shows and it's like the rehearsal didn't know anything and like if that's okay with you and that's how you want it and for a lot of relationships this might be the best case scenario yeah like
00:10:47
Speaker
just know That like this is a time where resentment can And if have those conversations like, hey, I need to be like an equal partnering planner I need to help me plan the and get all the music. like give them some. in charge the bar. Like a bar and it. Yeah. Yeah. an equal partnering planner or i need you to help me plan
00:11:06
Speaker
Because I think this is, too, where just the whole dynamics planning gets stressful because one person takes the majority the weight the planning. And then say it's the bride, which it typically is, then she's also taking like, the family dynamics and trying to balance her friends not getting hurt asking them. Like, there's so many dynamics right that the most thing can as a spouse is to ask someone.
00:11:24
Speaker
her friends not getting hurt by asking them like there's so many dynamics going on right now that the most helpful thing you can do as a spouse is to ask what do you need me to do what can I take off your plate to Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's so many times and again, not to call the grooms It's like, well they asked and like I did my job and it's like,
00:11:44
Speaker
Okay, well you you did but like. But can you do more? Yeah, like support. Because I mean, yeah, like we've said, I mean, we all know planning is stressful. And when your significant is not supporting you like,
00:12:03
Speaker
I mean, I still made husband come to things, like come to meetings, be he always get to have a say? maybe not. But like he still like knew what was And I just think that's like so important. Yeah. To include them. And it just makes, I think if the person the majority the planning, it makes feel a little better that like they at least were somewhat versus like everything and to every meeting. And it's just, it can be overwhelming sure. Yeah. So side note. There's a little...
00:12:15
Speaker
to include them and it just makes i think if you're the person
Strategies for Guest Lists and Plus Ones
00:12:18
Speaker
doing the majority of the planning it makes you feel a little better that like they at least were somewhat involved versus like you're doing everything and going to every meeting and it's just it can be overwhelming for sure yes so sidenoes our little tidbit about that little tidbit about um equal planning and we just want talk about like where to draw the line with family dynamics especially I think kind of like we talked about with you and your spouse being on the same page to help you guys
00:12:46
Speaker
be a united front to stand up against things that you don't want to happen at your wedding yeah or to just politely shut things down with family and i think there's definitely times where you're going to have to step on toes and say things that maybe don't make everyone happy. But if you're together in it and like, we agreed to this, this is how we planned our wedding ongoing This is our wedding and we're so grateful for all your help, but this is what we've decided.
00:13:16
Speaker
i think it comes off better than Like pigeoning someone, blaming it. And there can just be so much kind within that. And I think, unlike we've said, like through, like say parents are, like plated dinners are important the open bar is very important. Having those conversations like, okay, great. Then those are the areas that yes, can have says in. Says? can have a say in because like paying that part. But like, say they are paying but guys are paying the open bar. Like...
00:13:29
Speaker
like plateed dinners are important or open the open bar is very important having those conversations of like okay great then those are the areas that yes you can have says in sayss you can have a say in because you're like paying that part but like you know say they are only paying for food but you guys are paying for the open bar like Having those boundaries like, okay, we're drawing a line here. get to decide kind and to the tasting and make those decisions. But as far as bar, we're to decide what the signature drinks are. We're to decide what's being served.
00:13:51
Speaker
And much. Because we're paying it. Because we're paying it. Yeah. we're going to decide what the signature drinks are we're going to decide what's being served and how much because yeah we're paying for paying for yeah I think that helps, too. Like, if you have parents that want to be really, like, assertive, I think it's good to, if they do give you that open, you know we're assign that to categories where you can help
00:14:20
Speaker
They have a say in and then the things that aren't included in that, it just helps draw the line like, this was what guys helped me pay it it just helps draw the line of like this was what you guys helped me pay for Thank you so much. These are the decisions you can make. We're over here dealing with floral and making design decisions because we're paying for that portion of our wedding So it helps give everyone kind of like a clear role of what they get to do people feel really involved because they got to make the decisions they got to go to the food tasting it's like a win-win everyone there And again, or if they're giving you like a lump sum and they are pretty, they just want to be involved but they don't really want to like necessarily make decisions. Like I still think it's great to include them in everything. But again, like we keep saying, just like have these conversations with your parents and like, and whoever's paying and like
00:15:00
Speaker
being clear on like again who gets to make a say on what yeah and i think within that too like keeping
Communicating Guest List Decisions
00:15:09
Speaker
the communication lines open and just I don't think people understand how much it means to some, like asking your grandma to go wedding dress shopping with you Like even though maybe she's not paying or like helping, but just keeping people involved in small ways where it's not like going to derail a planning meeting definitely we do not want everyone at your planning meetings But like there's us there's both cake moms is enough Like everyone can go to your cake tasting give an have people and it'd be such a fun event. yeah And the bar tasting. Bar tasting. Great idea. bring as many people as you can. Make them feel included. Like help them
00:15:47
Speaker
feel like they had a say but the finer details and when you're going through contracts and looking at pricing and things like that that's not the time to include everyone you please don't please don't All right. So that's kind of like when parents are paying now I mean, the next big thing is, I mean, the guest list war which i feel like even between the couple can sometimes be tricky because it's like you know again, we kind of talked about this last one, our at last episode Like I have a really large family and my husband doesn't like, so where, you know that can be a war of like, okay, well you're like
00:16:26
Speaker
seventy five percent of our guest list like i have twenty people coming like so i think just that can add some drama to it but i think usually it's like what we see a lot is the parents like you know mom added forty seven people and you're just like who are these people And I think just, again, that depends on dynamics and expectations and setting those early. And again, if like your parents are paying for everything, budget? Yeah.
00:16:51
Speaker
have you said the expectation that they can make that decision that they get to decide how many people are coming and they're okay with an increase like rental and catering budget like But again, I think that's, again, dynamic too. Like some, parents and their kids have great relationships and they all their parents' friends and they want them all to come.
00:17:05
Speaker
you know parents and their kids have great relationships and they know all their parents' friends and they want them all to come But we've also had some where it's like, you know the mom and dad are inviting all their friends and work friends and it's like they don't know half of them so which in my opinion sounds terrible like i would hate to look out and see forty seven people i don't even know yeah when there were two like five people i would have loved to include but i couldn't because they took
Handling Plus Ones and Family Dynamics
00:17:31
Speaker
those spots Yeah. So I think, again, that's just setting the expectation and like, what are you guys okay with? And again, it to prevent that war, I think I would really
00:17:41
Speaker
set that expectation again early with your parents of like again like we talked about like have i ever met this person like are they heavily involved in my life like mom i don't need like your sister's best friend's cousin to come to my wedding like I think this gets just tangent, but gets kind crazy with plus ones. Yes. Because we see this a lot with like moms, friends, plus ones. Like maybe they're not married like, and then they like these, like their neighbor, like just the weirdest stories. are And they're like, the groom's mom's friend's sister. Like, like, nice to meet moms friends plus ones like maybe they're not married or like And like,
00:18:09
Speaker
like their neighbor like so just the weirdest stories had it like oh who are you and they're like oh i'm you know the groom's mom's friends sister like and they're like oh nice to meet you and in my head i'm like yeah how did they make that weird So also like not assigning plus ones to people that maybe aren't in a committed relationship. Like there's so many ways to kind keep this guest list small.
00:18:29
Speaker
maybe aren't in a committed relationship like there's so many ways to kind of keep this guest list small And I do think a another little that I just want to like, I always tell my couples, like at the end of the day, like reminding our couples, like this is like unfortunately you're going to step on toes you're going to hurt feelings at some point in this process and you have to decide what What areas you're okay with, because at the end of the day, like it's your wedding So it's like, if you I think some people are just so worried about like, well yeah, but like, I want to give them a plus one I don't know if they'll know anyone
00:19:03
Speaker
you know i'm worried about like transportation and now we got to provide transportation for everybody because and then like hotel blocks because i just are they gonna be able to and's i always tell people like people are adults Like they will figure it out. And at the end of the day, like adding all these plus ones of people you don't know is, again, increasing your rentals, increasing your catering budget, increasing your bar. Like you have to stop get to have a plus one.
00:19:23
Speaker
to some extent worrying about hurting people's feelings because you know if you're inviting a hundred and fifty people like you're more than likely going to upset somebody you're not going to be able to invite certain people like just do what feels right to you guys and if that means like all said noting if you are not married you don't get to have a plus one Like, or whatever. you haven't been in a committed relationship for you know x period of time.
Kid-Free Wedding Strategies
00:19:46
Speaker
Like, I just think it's okay to make those decisions and like not have to worry so much about offending people yeah and like
00:19:55
Speaker
you're going to deal with people who you didn't invite a plus one that asked for one or something down the line too so i do think giving yourself leeway that knowing that like there's going to be weird requests and things that are going to come up too so oh yeah and that the people that like are of you know if they are offended or whatever and they want to like bring it up to they likely will so you know people always the kid we get a lot of kid drama with no kids being invited but then you get like aunt and uncle who are flying in from California and they don't have any babysitters. So then they like, well we need to bring our kids or we can't come. So you run into these problems later after you set your guest list that have to deal with anyway. So I think it's good to start like a
00:20:44
Speaker
stick together and even like I have a like with the kid thing like even at my wedding like I only allowed kids which a lot of our couples do this like that are mice our so siblings kids so like our nieces and nephews like that was it yeah like we didn't open it past that and like some people like well like what if like my cousin gets upset because like i allowed my sister to bring her kid but she didn't go bring and it's just like At the end of the day, like it sounds so bad, but you have to stop caring because it's just like your sister should get, you know priority over your cousin. Like your niece and nephew should get priority to come to your wedding over your cousin, like your second cousins. Like
00:21:18
Speaker
just like and i think like a so like having that united front of like this is what we're doing this is what we're sticking to and just be okay with it yes one hundred percent We have a few tips for how to say no kindly One of our favorite for no kids is parents night out. um Because people are like, how do I say no kids? Like, I don't want to just like put And so I always say like parents night out, like take the night off yeah come enjoy the night off with us something kind of sweet that implies do not bring your children yeah to that wedding which and i don't know i mean coming from a planner perspective like
00:21:55
Speaker
which some people may hate me for saying this, but I just don't think a wedding is a place for kids. Like I just, like, I just remember for my wedding it was just like, yeah, but they all just want to see you in your dress. And like, like, you'll just look like a princess. i'm like, none of them are remember.
00:22:09
Speaker
Ages, yeah. Age comes into play here a lot. If they're all under five, like... And even, like, I think about four-year-old Like, if I got invited to a I her. Yeah. Like, because like, I want to have And it's like, everyone's dancing and drinking. And, like, it's, most weddings are pretty nice. And it's like, to have, like, a four-year-old can't always predict what they're to It's just... I I just think it's... yeah like because i'm like i would want to go have fun and it's like everyone's dancing and drinking and like it's you know most weddings are pretty nice and it's like to have like a four year old who you can't always predict what they're going to do it's just i don't know i just think it's And like Allie said, it's going to affect some people and like some of our couples. It's like I know that if we don't allow kids, like these people be able to come. And they're like, but we're okay with that. And I just think you need to decide if you're okay with that. Making those decisions.
Emotional Challenges in Wedding Planning
00:22:44
Speaker
Yeah. um We already hit our max guest count.
00:22:47
Speaker
and so one and something we've talked about too like which again i think was in our last one but both our venues had like a max Like we couldn't go over a certain. So that I mean, that's honestly I remember having conversations with a lot of like friends that was just like, so sorry, like I can't invite everyone. Like we have a max guest count i have a lot of family like and this can be a madeup max gaske in their brain with your spouse This doesn't have to be set by your venue by any means. And it can be a budget constraint. Like we only have enough funds to pay people. So that is our max guest count. But it just gives out that's really easy. that you're just like,
00:23:25
Speaker
hit our ma guest count like so sorry yeah we'd love to have you there but right we have to celebrate after yeah and i think too going back to like parentle involvement And like how to kindly say no to them. I think that's the other other aspect of how to kindly say no when it comes to the guest count war is like, again, like we've keep saying it, but having these conversations before and just like having you and your partner being on the same page and just like respectfully being like, you know I don't know that person or remember like we really wanted to keep it And so by adding these other people, like this is what's where it's going to put us. And,
00:24:03
Speaker
you know or with the parents i'm so grateful you're like helping us but like you know x y and z is like, that's making me like not comfortable because I don't know those people. And like, I just would really not, i'd prefer not to have all those people at them.
00:24:18
Speaker
yeah just like having those like you know like we said you don't need to be mean but just like voicing your opinions and you know again having your spouse on the same page as you is going to be super helpful especially with parents yes ah So grooms.
Addressing Family Loss and Support
00:24:33
Speaker
just The final component of all this that we kind to talk about talk about today was like the emotional layer of wedding planning so...
00:24:41
Speaker
and how it is like when you research the top like five most stressful things in life like divorce planning a wedding getting a new job having a kid moving like weddings are at the top of the list they're very stressful for so many different reasons and so We always like to just, A, acknowledge it and be aware it because emotions are to come a acknowledge it and be aware of it because emotions are going to come up And whether it's yours or your parents or your siblings, parents, parents.
00:25:11
Speaker
you're going to have a lot of opinions and emotions being projected onto you at this point in a planning process that you're going to have to like address and deal with and the other like emotional thing that we see a lot is like acknowledgement of like losing people so grandparents parents Friends. Friends. Like, we've had a lot had it all. Like, I mean, we've had... I feel like this last year, we had a handful that, like, one of the parents had passed away. And, like...
Divorced Parents and Wedding Dynamics
00:25:40
Speaker
I mean, they were, like, young couples.
00:25:43
Speaker
so i mean it's like in a very emotional saying and just like it brings up even if it's you know been a year or two it like it brings up that emotion of like my mom's not excuse me going to be here to help me pick up my dress or my dad's not here to walk me down the aisle like I think that's just another thing to like, I think a accept and like Alice said, acknowledge and be okay. And like kind sit in it a little because I think it's something that just should get brushed over. And again, also if have a planner, like letting them these things like ahead time, just like, I mean, a, because there's been so many times I had to put foot in mouth and be like asking about like the dad and all these things.
00:26:07
Speaker
like, dad died. And had idea. And it's like,
00:26:10
Speaker
and again also if you have a planner like letting them know these things like ahead of time just like i mean a because there's been so many times i'd had to put my foot my mouth and be like asking about like the dad and all these things like oh my dad died and i had no idea and it's like art like And then I get sad and I don't want to make them cry, but it's like having those early conversations with everybody in the family and vendors that are supporting and telling your vendors these things so that like early on we can like adjust our verbiage adjust how we say things
00:26:41
Speaker
And like add space at like really sweet. Yes. We've had the most adorable ways to like remember them. Remember them? Yeah. Like tables. tables. But I think, yeah, it's just, it's to, and we've also had a lot couples that like want to talk about it. Like I had a bride her
00:26:50
Speaker
remember the remember like yeah like memory table memories like yeah but i think yeah it's just it's good to and we've also had a lot of couples that like don't want to talk about it like i had a writer who her mom Was in an accident unexpectedly passed away and it hadn't been that And it was a very like she didn't want to like have conversations about it. And that's We like we need to dive into it. But like it's us to But I think a couple level, it's to to acknowledge it and like.
00:27:10
Speaker
we don't like we don't need to dive into it but like it's good for us to know but i think on a couple level it's good for you two to acknowledge it and like I mean, in some ways I cry about it a little and like talk through it and talk verbalize those feelings because I think if you don't do that early in the planning process, to like in a way embrace the emotion losing people.
00:27:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah.
00:27:34
Speaker
and so i just think it will help you like and in a way embrace the emotion of losing people yeah um but yeah, so those are obviously not the fun parts of the emotional layer, but also like the control issues planned everything in their lives. They want to be super that come within it is like usually it's no offense to the auntts and moms but it's usually that area of like they want to be in charge you know they've raised the kids they you know they've planned everything in their lives they want to be super involved And a lot of times when the moms are super controlling, and again, no offense to the moms, like their opinions don't match up or align with the couple. Like it's
00:28:14
Speaker
very different they would choose different things but then it's like but then the parents are paying so there's just like a really weird control Dynamic issue that we into that we really try to help diffuse and at the end the day, keep coming back to what was important to the couple, what was important to the couple and focus that and the decisions that have voiced that were important to But just that.
00:28:30
Speaker
diffuse and at the end of the day keep coming back to what was important to the couple what was important to the couple and focus on that and the decisions that you have voice that were important to you but just knowing And another good thing to tell your planner, like knowing hey, a lot. It's a lot. And she gets a lot she's make this a more challenging process than maybe other parents and that's so helpful for us to know because we can walk into those meetings and those conversations being really well prepared instead of being like taken aback Which, and again, I think, too, that goes back to, like, what we always say, like, having a professional planner that has done I mean, we have dealt with so many moms a pretty kind like...
00:29:14
Speaker
that honestly we become like best friends with like i mean there's one right now which she's not really controlling but she's very involved and has very strong opinions and like the bride does a pretty good job of kind of like working with it. But I think because I was aware of it and now like she comes everything, we have a dynamic of like, that's such a great idea. I hear you But what I hear, to have those conversations is super Yes.
00:29:34
Speaker
Extremely.
00:29:38
Speaker
smooth conversations i think really helps the planning and again takes the pressure off the couple and i don't know i think just having like that professional planner who knows how to have those conversations is super helpful yes extremely A real hot topic. And then divorce dynamics. I mean, and that is also another thing in all initial meetings is we always ask, like, is there any family drama is there like people that get along? And again, it's not us to be nosy and get into it, but it is really also us to like, are parents still married?
00:30:00
Speaker
Can they be in the same together? Like, had a ton where they cannot, like people that don't get along and again it's not for us to be nosing get into it but it is really also good for us to know like are your parents still married can they be in the same room together like because we've had a ton where they cannot like the mother of the bride doesn't even want the father of the bride to be sitting in the same row like So I think divorce is like a big thing, like the parents don't get along. you know they one is like paying for more than the other so one gets more involvement gets more decisions and it's just
00:30:35
Speaker
I andt
Role of Step-Parents in Weddings
00:30:36
Speaker
know It's like such a tricky, hard dynamic. It's so tricky. ah tricky hard dynamic it's so tricky And it's like everything, I mean, everything is involved with it. But then on the day of your wedding is where it like all comes to a head because a lot of the time these people haven't seen each other. And then they have to be like, maybe you want a photo with your mom and dad. dad, yeah. And like that's not something that people are comfortable with or like their new spouses are uncomfortable with or like there's so many a thing where are they going to sit for dinner like So I don't know I, which again, I think I could go down a tangent on this one, but it's like, I just s think at the end of the day, like,
00:31:10
Speaker
It just makes me so frustrated when parents are like that because it's just like it's not about you It's not about your divorce. It's not about what happened years ago like between you two. And so it's again, maybe that's a conversation like you need to have with like your parents separately and saying like, listen,
00:31:26
Speaker
i understand you guys don't get along i understand that there were problems but like for one day i would like you to just fuck it up agree to disagree and yeah smile on your face and like enjoy my wedding Like, yeah so I don't know I mean, again, everyone has that relationship with their parents, but I think, you know and a lot of times I've seen a lot like the mom is super involved but doesn't like the dad. And so the dad's not like super involved And the mom is very but a word to like her opinions on things and opinions about him
00:31:58
Speaker
and so i think also like my parents are divorced and i remember as a kid like having to tell my parents like i don't want to hear it like don't tell me and especially during the planning process i think that's a big thing where it's like we shouldn't be like bashing one parent over the other during planning. Like, it's just like, let's just like not bring the drama in. Let's just like, out of your yeah child's new marriage. Right. So I think having that conversation with your parent of like, mom I understand you don't like dad. He not be your biggest fan either, but just saying like, I just need us all to like
00:32:30
Speaker
get alongquas and now what do you need to like support you with this like would it be better if we had a A lunch or a coffee beforehand just to make sure that like everything goes well and you guys can be on the same page and you can both walk me down the aisle. Right. or like what is this going to look like to put you guys. or saying like, okay, well dad's walk me down the aisle, but i'll dance with you mom Like figuring out roles and how you can accommodate both of them and saying like okay and they're going to be at separate tables at dinner but they'll be at the two tables like closeyst to me so i'll still
00:33:02
Speaker
a role everyone, too. And, like, this comes into play with, like, step-parents. I that, like, there's a huge, step-parent dynamic typically, and that's, like, they've been in their lives just as, as as they can remember things like that. And so it's, like, also... wonderful steppar dynamic typically and that's like they've been in their lives just as you know as long as they can remember or things like that and so it's like also If that's important to you if your stepdad has been a huge impact in your life, like make, give him a role, like let him walk you down the aisle with your dad. Let him, we have a lot of people that do things like that too.
00:33:29
Speaker
and i think again with this and part of the planning process is sharing that with them like hey dad like i just want to let you know that Kurt is also going to walk me down the aisle with you He's been in my life, you know as long as I can remember. And this is why it's important to me. And I wanted to give you know out of respect the time to like process this and like no this is what's going to happen um because i we do run into this on rehearsal Like night where people are like, what? Like you're walking, you know grandma down or just different things that come up and they didn't know And I think that a lot of that can be avoided in the planning process by just giving them a heads up Hey, this what's happening. what we're doing yeah And if they're not comfortable or they choose not to come or they choose to take themselves out of that position, like that's on them. But at least giving people a heads up of like,
00:34:15
Speaker
this is what's goingnna happen yeah and i need to make sure that you're yeah i think for sure you're giving everybody a heads up And like your planner has the heads up I mean, and it's nice for us, too, because then if like the family doesn't know and we're at the we're we're running the rehearsal and we're telling people to do and they're like, wait, what? I mean, we usually can handle it, but it is nice to just like everyone is
Unified Front with Your Partner
00:34:35
Speaker
aware. So it's not like a big shock.
00:34:38
Speaker
Goes a lot smoother. Like, please just, yeah, like have the, try to have those Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, when things are getting hated heated, like good like practical strip scripts to do is, or say is like, we love that idea, but what we've decided is we're this.
00:34:54
Speaker
And just, again, like we've all like keep saying like, have to be rude like be disrespectful to parents everyone's but just like acknowledging what they said, but saying, but this is what we've decided to Yeah. And be unified and blame it one those spouses. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. say it's like, acknowledging what they said but saying but this is what we've decided to do yeah and be unified and don't blame it on yellow spouse yeah yes yeah don't say it's like wow my significant other over here. Yeah. Didn't like that idea. And then like you're bashing them or their plans So it's like, and it's causing drama between your somebody's parent and your significant And it's just not create one unified stance yes keep with it. We're keeping this small is always an easy one, or we've
00:35:31
Speaker
gas count limit um kind of just some verbiage like that yeah but we need to stay within budget like that's we're getting a little out of control here like we want to stay within budget and I mean, again, we say it all the time, but like, again, it's so nice to have a planner who's like the third party non-biased person who's like prioritizing what you want and what the couple or what the couple wants. And I mean, I've had to do it so many times where it's just like,
00:35:57
Speaker
you know like i said it's like i love that idea that's so great but what i hear she wants is this so i think we're gonna go this router just kind of bringing it back respectfully and like sometimes it it is hard for couples to stand up to their parents in a way and depending on the dynamic so you know having that planner there and just, we like to say, even if the parent is paying, we like to have that conversation too. And that's also why we ask who's paying for the wedding making it very clear with our couples that like, that is so great that your parents are paying, but like you are who we are working for Like you are the, you signed the contract. Yes. Like you are the one that we are reporting to who's making the decision. So as much as that is great that they're helping pay, like,
00:36:40
Speaker
our goal is to do what you want to do So again, that needs to be a conversation that if you're hiring a planner and your parent is paying for everything, having that conversation with their parent, if they're very controlling and want to be involved like I, that's so great. But at the end of the day, like the planner reports to me,
00:36:54
Speaker
you can't like because i we've literally have had parents pulls aside and be like okay no she said this but we're gonna do this and they' and i'm like oh well she you know trying to talk them out of it and they're like well i'm paying for it and it's like very awkward So please, I mean, and again, we always will kiss continue sticking with a couple wants, but it's just really nice for everybody involved if you have those conversations.
00:37:18
Speaker
Early. To set the expectation early with family, with spouse. Like can prevent so much headache a day. Yes. And a planning year just starting out with like a really structure guys are to make decisions and to deal with all the emotions and drama that comes way. Yeah. So be a united front and to And
00:37:38
Speaker
yeah so be a united front and expect those family dynamics to bleed into your wedding planning that'll happen and hire a planner yeah