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Reclaiming Your Energy and Connection Through Science-Based Nervous System Healing - with Melissa Romano (Taking Care of Yourself #5)
40 Plays2 days ago
In this episode, Leanna sits down with licensed social worker and integrative somatic therapist Melissa Romano, author of the Vagus Nerve Deck, and creator of Connected Healing. Together they explore how high-achieving women can break free from living in constant “protection mode” and step into intentional, empowered living. Melissa shares her journey from chronic pain and stress to nervous system healing, and offers practical tools to help working mothers regulate emotions, increase resilience, and feel more connected to themselves and their families. If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing it all but running on empty, this conversation will give you a grounded, science-backed approach to redefining self-care, so you can lead with presence, balance, and energy both at work and at home.
Follow @reclaimingmelissa on Tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.
Find her Vagus Nerve Deck on Amazon.
Visit her website at reclaiminghealthy.com to find more about her signature program, Connected Healing, as well as her other offerings such as one-on-one and live group coaching, retreats, live workshops, and more.
Full transcript available here.
Connect with Leanna here.
Strong leadership starts with strong foundations. The Executive Mom Reset: Foundations course begins October 21. Join us to gain the tools, strategies, and support you need to thrive at work and at home without burning out.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Executive Coach for Moms
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Executive Coach for Moms podcast, where we support women who are attempting to find balance and joy while simultaneously leading people at work and at home.
00:00:15
Speaker
I'm your host, Leanna Lasky-McGrath, former tech exec turned full-time mom, recovering perfectionist and workaholic, and certified executive coach.
Self-Care Series with Melissa Romano
00:00:27
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome to the fifth episode of the Taking Care of Yourself series, where we're focusing on bringing some attention to the importance of taking care of you with practical tips for how to actually do it.
00:00:39
Speaker
Since we often have a tendency to prioritize everyone else's needs over our own. We have covered a lot in the last four weeks. And the conversation I'm sharing today is with Melissa Romano.
00:00:50
Speaker
She's an integrative somatic therapist. And I really loved hearing about her healing journey. And I know you will too. I feel like this is going to bring a lot of what we've been talking about. together for you.
00:01:01
Speaker
I also really love that Melissa takes what she learns and then breaks it down and makes it really simple for all of us to learn some practices to take better care of ourselves. So I cannot wait for you to hear from her.
Empowerment through Group Coaching
00:01:14
Speaker
Before we jump in, I wanted to share a quick reminder that the Executive Mom Reset Foundation's group coaching course We'll be kicking off in just a few short weeks. This is an opportunity to come together and meet other executive moms and really to start feeling more confident, more empowered, and more intentional at work and at home so you're no longer running on autopilot.
00:01:36
Speaker
Head on over to coachleanna.com for all the details and to get signed up. And I really hope to see you there. And now I hope you enjoy listening to this amazing conversation with Melissa. And I know you're going to walk away with so many takeaways.
00:01:50
Speaker
Enjoy.
00:01:57
Speaker
I'm so excited to introduce today's guest, Melissa Romano.
Healing with Neuroscience and Somatic Therapy
00:02:01
Speaker
Melissa and i know each other from way back in college in West Virginia, and i love her work on helping you to kind of tune in with your body and nervous system regulation and healing. i love everything she talks about, and I think we both at the end of the day have the same goal in mind and we approach it a little bit differently. I approach it a little bit more from a mindset perspective and Melissa approaches it more from a somatic perspective. So I'm excited for you to hear her perspective today. So let me just tell you a little bit about her and then I will stop talking and you will hear all about her. So Melissa Romano is a licensed social worker, educator and content creator, passionate about making nervous system healing accessible and transformative.
00:02:47
Speaker
With a background in neuroscience and somatic therapy, she guides people from survival mode into connection and embodiment. She is the author of The Vegas Nerve Deck and creator of Connected Healing, her signature program.
00:03:01
Speaker
Through these modalities, Melissa helps people reclaim safety, self-trust, and resilience. Welcome, Melissa. Thank you so much for having me. It's so good to see you and get to spend more time with you.
00:03:11
Speaker
Yeah, likewise. I really appreciate you being here. So maybe you can start off and just tell us a little bit about you and what your journey has been and what's brought you to this work.
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's so funny when people ask that. I'm like, I have lo Like you said, we've known each other for a very long time. And, ah you know, and if you would ask someone in 2003 about me, none of the words that you said in that bio are like healthy or any, that's not, that would not be the associations, right? I was not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.
00:03:47
Speaker
you know, so I had a ah background of trauma and and chronic stress, just and chronic dysregulation.
Mind-Body Integration for True Health
00:03:55
Speaker
You know, when we were in college, I started having more chronic pain.
00:03:59
Speaker
So, you know, when I was young, I never felt good. It was like had stomach aches or, you know, just overall not feeling good, never wanting to go to school. I didn't feel like I was a good student and turned into chronic pain in my early twenties. And Then I was like, I've been to doctors. I go the gamut. I've done and tried all of these things. And, you know, I want to figure out what I can do for myself because I know I'm not treating myself well. know I don't take care of myself. Like I was very
00:04:31
Speaker
outward focused and driven by, you know, external things. And, you know, so I got into fitness because I think that's like the only tangible thing we really know, ah you know, especially then like this is the early 2000s. So it's like, yeah, you want to get healthy, you eat better and you move your body.
00:04:49
Speaker
So, i you know, i started on that track and turned that into a career. And then I was like, okay, so I'm stronger. i have much less pain. I'm absolutely healthier, but I am by no means where i was trying to go.
00:05:04
Speaker
Which is? i just feeling good. Like i yeah i felt strong. Yes. And you know, I ate well, i certainly felt better, but I did not feel good. Like I still struggled.
00:05:17
Speaker
With anxiety, I still struggled with depression. I still had all of these like GI things like started to kind of come about. so it was like, I felt like it was whack-a-mole. Like I would take care of one thing and then like another thing would creep up and it's like, okay, so when do I feel good? And I kept going on that journey.
00:05:36
Speaker
So it was like, well, then I got into yoga and then I got into yoga therapy and then I got into yoga psychology. And then I'm like, oh my gosh, this whole like concept that what I was doing, like whack-a-mole, right? Treating one thing and another thing popping up. And this whole world opened up to me where it's like, wait a second, it's all connected? Yeah.
00:06:00
Speaker
It's all one thing. And until I treated and and cared for as like one thing, it wasn't just what I was eating. It was who I was eating with. It wasn't just, you know, following this exercise plan. It was listening to my body.
00:06:16
Speaker
It was, so it was like the whole picture of my life.
Experiencing Full Emotions for a Rich Life
00:06:20
Speaker
And then it just, you know, for, for me, when I, when I recognized that and then learned more about somatic therapy and learned more about the nervous system, it was kind of like the glue that pulled all of those different pieces together And here we are. And every step of the way, I was just like, I would learn something and I'd be like, well, I have to tell everyone else.
00:06:40
Speaker
So I made a career out of my own healing, essentially. I love that. i love that. And so now do you feel good? I do feel good. i do.
00:06:51
Speaker
i do. I feel all of the things. I will say that. but I love that. Yeah. so what do you attribute that feeling good and feeling all the things to? Is it feeling all the things? It's feeling all the things. Yeah. It was kind of learning that, you know, that my thing of like, oh, I have to make it through this piece or I need to fix this thing to then get to the feeling good.
00:07:18
Speaker
And when I realized that it's like, no It's being able to feel all of the things and and not lose myself. that that's when I would feel really good. yeah When I could feel the pain, when I could feel the injustice of it all or whatever is there and still be present and still be connected to myself and kind of moving through the world, how I choose to show up, not just like reactionary. That's when I really started to feel good. And it was it was like, I did hit a point a couple of years ago where I was like, okay
00:07:57
Speaker
So I'm just supposed to be like taking care of myself all day long. I like how stupid. But then my next thought was like, what else is there? and supposed to just be paying attention to myself and like listening and taking care of myself all day. And then it was like, yeah, that's kind of the point.
00:08:15
Speaker
Well, I wonder too, did you change your definition of what it means to feel good? Because as you're talking, you're saying like, I feel grief and I feel sadness. And I think that so often we make those things mean...
00:08:32
Speaker
that something's gone wrong, that something, you know, it it doesn't feel good. So, so it's bad. And like you said, it's kind of like we put all of these obstacles in the way and put feeling good on the other side of them.
00:08:45
Speaker
So I guess how you would have described feeling good in 2003 versus how you describe it now, is that different? hundred percent. In 2003, I think, well, who knows what my, you know, 18 year old self would have said, felt feeling good in men. Yeah. Probably people liking me I don't know that at that time I would have even had a concept of what my internal experience of feeling good would have been.
00:09:14
Speaker
That I would have described it in thought. Okay. What I think, I think I would have described it in like external cues. Well, if you're around me, ah likes me and is happy with me, that would feel good. i don't think that I even had enough self-awareness to say, you know, I, my body would feel like a little bit relaxed. I would have a strong posture You know, my my my gut would feel like I can handle this. Like, I don't know that I would have even had that, like, not only language,
Connecting to Life by Choosing Emotions
00:09:48
Speaker
but awareness of my actual experience. Like, I think that it would have just been like external cues and like a checklist of things.
00:09:57
Speaker
And now it actually is how I feel. and And I think I mean that on like a cellular energetic level too, like not just like my physical body, you know, I'm 40, obviously have some like... aches and pains. or I'm like, you know, my hips definitely a lot tighter, a lot easier and, you know, tending to that.
00:10:20
Speaker
But I think that even on that level, like my body feels good. My mind feels good. Like I i would explain it in you know, do I feel connected to my own life? Do I feel like I am not in control by any means, but like I am actively choosing how to move through each moment. That feels good.
00:10:45
Speaker
Like, I don't feel like i am like ah fish on a hook in life anymore, being like drug around. It's like, oh no, I'm like, I'm the water. Ah, I love that. It's interesting because I wonder how we define feeling good, right? And you're saying it's like, it's essentially being in control is how you've described it, but like not that, but sort of that, right? Being in choice. Being choice.
00:11:12
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's like we, especially as high achieving women, think that like we need to always be in control. And i don't think that's what you're saying, right? but But also you are saying that like you are connected to your life and you're...
00:11:30
Speaker
actively choosing what's happening in your life, essentially, as much as you have the ability to do so. Yeah, I think one thing that I teach and have learned, and especially as high achieving women, I fear that Too often we're operating out of a protective response.
00:11:51
Speaker
Like we're we're operating out of a ah state of the nervous system. And and you can say this so through so many different languages and so many different modalities. Obviously, mine is more in nervous system. So...
00:12:04
Speaker
We move through in this protective, another part of us is operating. It's not us, our truest essence of self. it right It's like, if I do everything on this to-do list today, if I get all of this stuff done, if i show up and I do this, this, and this, then I will be safe. And we might not consciously use that language, but that is...
00:12:29
Speaker
how we are operating. And it's not necessarily out of choice. It's not necessarily out of connection. It's out of this sense of protection. Like this is what I have to do to be okay. yeah I know that feels terrible because i have done it many, many, many different times.
00:12:46
Speaker
My experience of it is that it feels good like at that moment that you finish your to-do list. I remember feeling this way, where it's like acute feelings of good, where it's like I feel good in that moment, but like my overall experience that is not that. isn't I wouldn't describe as good because it goes away immediately as soon as I start thinking about, oh shit, well, what do I have to do next? And what do i have to do tomorrow? Now that this to-do list is done, it's just not like it ends.
00:13:13
Speaker
And what's the cost? I look at so many different things um in my life and I'm like, yeah, you know, there were good things about it. And there it there were times, right, like you said, like, oh, that felt good.
00:13:27
Speaker
And then I'm like, I feel like I paid in a pound of flesh. Yeah. I... Had to trade literal pieces of myself to make it work. You know, it's like, that's not living.
00:13:40
Speaker
Like to me, maybe feeling good. This is how I would describe it now. Living the width and the depth of my life. Say more about that. i think in those times where I was doing that i had those like brief periods of feeling good.
00:13:53
Speaker
I don't even know that I felt like I was living my own life. Mm hmm. And now it's like this, that width and the depth, like i have the capacity to feel so many different things and I want to feel them all.
00:14:10
Speaker
And I have the capacity to learn and experience and witness so many different things. And I want to do them all. Like yeah I want to be an active participant. Like I want to feel like i am all the way in.
00:14:25
Speaker
Mm-hmm. you know, those experiences where had like a brief moment of glory, i never felt like that. Like I'd get that dopamine hit of... Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. you like Strong dopamine hit and then like a crash afterwards.
00:14:42
Speaker
And now it's like, you know, obviously not to say that I don't get a to-do list done because I do. It's not in the same way. Like I'm not willing to trade pieces of myself for it. And I want to be all the way in. Like I want to be an active participant and I want to experience it. And I want to be really, really connected to myself and to the people I'm with and to what I'm doing.
00:15:04
Speaker
What is it that allows you to, that you have the desire for the desire the negative side of things, right? Like that when you say like the width and depth, obviously that means positive, quote unquote, negative quote, right?
00:15:19
Speaker
Our society is so accustomed to like numbing out and tuning out and trying to escape those negative emotions. I mean, pretty much everything we do or don't do is to either feel some way or avoid feeling some way.
00:15:34
Speaker
And so i think, you know, it takes a lot of work to get to the place where you're able to hold space for all of the Oh, those feelings that don't give you a dopamine hit, that don't immediately feel good.
00:15:47
Speaker
Why do you want that? That's a really good question. And a lot of times when I'm talking about this, I think people get like a woo-woo kind of vibe or or they think of like Buddhist or mindfulness or something like that, which it absolutely does align with all of those things.
00:16:04
Speaker
And the truth of it is we are primal beings, right? And everything that we experience, we experience body first. So through our senses and through interoception, which is like the internal experience, right? Because our our nervous system is constantly scanning our internal and external environment, like without your conscious thought.
00:16:28
Speaker
So your vagus nerve, right? And along with your other cranial nerves, they're scanning your internal experience and your external experience without you thinking about it. So we move through the world, we experience a sensation, and then the body is like sending messages to the brain. we i think most of us operate thinking that the brain is sending the messages like through the system.
00:16:52
Speaker
And it does, but not as much as the body. So the body, the vagus nerve is, I think 90%, I used to say 80, some people say 90% sensory afferent.
00:17:04
Speaker
meaning that 90% of the messaging is coming from the body to the brain, not vice versa. It's bi-directional communication. Same thing. Like our gut is sending messages to the brain.
00:17:15
Speaker
So all of this comes in and it goes through this filtration system. And the first filter that it has to pass is, am I safe or am I unsafe?
Experiencing All Emotions: A Necessity
00:17:25
Speaker
Right? And if we start trying to avoid quote unquote negative emotions or uncomfortable emotions or whatever emotions are there, that filtration system says, got it.
00:17:38
Speaker
Emotions are unsafe. There's no, these ones are good and these ones are bad. I know we cognitively think that, but that's not what will happen. What will happen is you close the road down to feeling the emotions.
00:17:55
Speaker
You know, when we avoid, when we you know, we we're like distract. I don't want to feel that. That feels uncomfortable. I want to feel more of this. That filter says emotions are unsafe and it dulls all of them.
00:18:09
Speaker
It's not like a two lane highway where you can be like, actually, i want to feel these, but not these.
00:18:16
Speaker
So my desire to feel those things is because I have a desire to feel the other things. So my option is feel it all or feel none of them. And, you know, I want to feel all of them. And and I think, you know, to people that are like, what?
00:18:37
Speaker
No, I feel some of the other ones. It's like, do you though? Or is it a fleeting moment? And then you're back. Yeah. it It just feels so antithetical to our culture that is like hustle, hustle, progress, progress.
00:18:53
Speaker
Right. And i think feeling Sometimes, a lot of times, I mean, when we talk to people about feeling, it's like, well, I'm afraid to go there. I'm afraid because it feels like a slippery slope.
00:19:05
Speaker
I can't feel that too much because I need to get these things done. And it keeps me from getting those things done. So how do I... succeed and achieve and do all these things that I enjoy doing and meet all these goals that I have for myself and spend time with my feelings?
00:19:24
Speaker
Like, how do I do that? And so what are your thoughts about that? Because obviously you're you've built a very successful business and do multiple things and you and you continue to succeed and achieve. So what are your thoughts on that? it actually it actually gives you more brain capacity.
00:19:40
Speaker
it gives you more energy. Being with your emotions, truly, it takes about 90 seconds. Studies have been done, right? The parts of the brain that light up, that are that are engaged when there is an emotion...
00:19:54
Speaker
If you are present with it, it takes about 90 seconds for that, that like the grip of it. I'm not saying that the emotion is going to be gone, but that like that gripping sensation.
00:20:05
Speaker
So I teach um and it's ah it's a DBT skill, which is dialectical behavioral therapy skill that I, you know, made into a somatic skill too. But observe, describe, participate.
00:20:18
Speaker
So we observe, yeah there's been a change in the system, right? I'm noticing something. Describe it using emotion language and sensation language.
00:20:31
Speaker
We are ditching the story of why we feel that way and metabolizing the emotion. So it's the language of like, oh, that, you know, my chest clenched up and my fist clenched up and and I feel like this buzzing in my arms and my legs and I'm going stomp my feet, right?
00:20:51
Speaker
And then I participate in that. I let my fist clench. I squeeze my arms. You know, I stomp my feet and I let my chest like, oh, 90 seconds.
00:21:02
Speaker
And that will move through your system in a way that One, the one thing that I think we all want to feel is seen and heard, right?
00:21:13
Speaker
your system feels seen and heard. And then we have more brain capacity because we're not spending all of this like drain trying to be like, don't feel that way.
00:21:26
Speaker
ah Forget about this. Don't let it bother you you. know, let it go, move on. And it ends up being this like spinning thing that, or we get stuck in the story of it. Like, you must think that am this, this, and this, or she probably, you know, is saying this, this, and this about me, right? And that is such a drain on your brain. And, you know, when we don't do things consciously, it's the default mode network of the brain that everything kind of falls to and it runs and that uses the most brain energy consumption.
00:21:58
Speaker
when it's like, oh, I don't have time to do all of this. You don't not have time to do it. You will use less energy You'll build more resilience.
00:22:10
Speaker
You'll be able to do more of all of the things, including those wonderful things. And, you know, that feel good at the at the end of something thing or in the midst of something will last longer.
00:22:21
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's probably our protective brain telling us like, we can't go there. We need to conserve energy and seek pleasure and avoid pain. And and that's it. And this isn't it.
00:22:33
Speaker
We just keep going. Just keep going. So we don't have to feel this. we We are not so different from animals. Like that's why our brain right is called the lizard brain because we share with all mammals and it doesn't like to lose control.
Reclaiming Control from the Primal Brain
00:22:48
Speaker
Like it wants to stay in the driver's seat and that is not you. yeah You know what I mean? Like that means that we are not in the driver's seat. We're kind of like being pulled around like, right again, like the fish on the hook.
00:23:03
Speaker
When we're operating out of protective parts, we are not in charge. So it's like you're vying for control and giving it all away. Yeah.
00:23:14
Speaker
Yes. Yeah. i I often call that the toddler brain because I work with so many moms. I always say we're toddlers. We're toddlers and taller bodies. Like when people are, so I'm like, yeah, we are toddlers and taller bodies. Like we have to work, you know, through the system. Yes.
00:23:29
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So I am curious because you've talked about protective parts a lot and I'm currently taking a course on internal family systems and and parts work. And i think it's so fascinating. And I've talked about it a little bit on this podcast. I promised everyone when I'm done with the course in November that all that I'll do an episode about that. But I'm curious, it sounds like you use IFS. I do, yeah.
00:23:54
Speaker
Yeah. So tell me more about about that and like protective parts. and So I actually, when I did my integrative somatic trauma therapy training, I got to study a little bit with Richard Schwartz.
00:24:06
Speaker
So I think that the language of IFS is so helpful. It's like we are the self, right? our Our truest essence, the the deepest depths of us, like who we really are is the self.
00:24:19
Speaker
So we have protectors and exiles, right? And the the protectors, there's two variations, the managers the And the firefighters, so the the managers are like the the proactive parts. So these are especially for, you know, high achieving moms, right? The managers are often the ones running the show.
00:24:40
Speaker
These proactive protective parts saying, if I do this and I do this and I dress like this and I have this car and I make this amount of money, then we'll all be safe. It's like, no. like running around like, be okay.
00:24:52
Speaker
And then the firefighters are like the reactive parts, right? So the the ones that the moment something is a bit uncomfortable, shut it down. Don't feel that. We don't have time for this.
00:25:03
Speaker
Keep moving. So we have those firefighters. And then the exiles are are all of those parts that they are protecting, right?
Empowerment Beyond Past Traumas
00:25:10
Speaker
The more vulnerable parts, the often younger parts.
00:25:14
Speaker
And this concept for me was so helpful because because mainly to know it paired really well with the way that I learned about the nervous system. Whereas, you know, when we have an experience, why we feel like toddlers and taller bodies, right? We have this experience that comes into our system.
00:25:33
Speaker
And then that filtration system says this feels unsafe, right? And then our brain goes to the hippocampus, the amygdala, the amygdala is like the, the, you know, fear center and it sets off the fire alarms. The hippocampus is our emotions and our memories. And it's saying, what does this remind me of?
00:25:50
Speaker
And it's like, you know, when you search for your birthday now, like you're having to scroll through to like scroll to find 1985. And that's how that part works.
00:26:00
Speaker
Like the part of the brain is like, what does this remind me of? And before I know it, it's like, oh, that time in 1996, right? And before I know it, I'm acting like I'm 11 years old. And I'm like moving through this moment. like And that is a protective part, right? So it's like for me learning, oh, okay. Like all of these things came together. That's actually what's happening in my body. I actually am operating from this system that is that small child or this smaller age.
00:26:29
Speaker
And it's kind of like IFS. I think of it like I am the sun. The self is the sun. And the parts are weather. Sometimes, you know, before I knew the language of this and before I was connected with myself, it would be like a monsoon, right? So I started to identify as the weather that the self was like completely, i forgot that it was there. She was gone, lost to me, and and the the the parts were operating the system. So for me, that language was super helpful because I could start to see my habits and behaviors and like recognizing this is not self.
00:27:09
Speaker
Yeah. And i think as you're talking about this idea of like taking me back to you know, this time in my childhood, and this is all completely unconscious, right? Like we don't usually, until we start to really get present with it, know that this is happening and that we're acting out something from a memory that's been stored in our bodies.
00:27:32
Speaker
The way that my therapist describes it is it's kind of like, if you have a bruise on your body and someone like brushes up against it, then you're going make, ouch, right? Like it it's going to hurt a little bit. And it's kind of similar that these memories, it's like, you know, we've got this bruise or some kind of injury or trauma. And then it's like, whatever's happening, there's a stimulus that's like rubbing up on that. And then we respond from that place.
00:27:57
Speaker
Exactly. It's completely different. reactionary. And that's what I mean by connected. Like I, I have gone most of the time, not 100% of the time from reacting to responding through connection. Like I have to be connected to it all to be able to witness what is happening and observe what's happening and then choose to respond how I want to, as opposed to reacting out of these behavioral patterns, these protective patterns, these nervous system patterns, like all of the things, right? there were It was just habitual patterns. Like I learned, you know, at eight years old, the way to survive this feeling is to do this, this, and this.
00:28:38
Speaker
And I don't want to do that at 40. So often it's like, okay, you know, I see you and I hear you. i I totally understand why you want to respond this way, but I like, I've got you. Yeah.
00:28:53
Speaker
Here's how I'm going to respond. no So its it's ah it's a big shift in the way we view ourselves. Yeah, it's like you were saying before about actively choosing. You can't actively choose.
00:29:05
Speaker
a response when you're just reacting automatically and when you're when you're not aware of it. And so kind of building that awareness so that you can respond. And I love what you're saying here about kind of making that decision of, I'm not going to respond as my 11-year-old self or my eight-year-old self, I'm going respond.
00:29:24
Speaker
as myself now, how do you recommend making that shift? I remember seeing as I was binging all of your content on Instagram, which by the way, everyone make sure you follow Melissa. We'll link her in the show notes where to find her. reclaiming Melissa.
00:29:42
Speaker
She has some really great content, but I remember you saying something about healing trauma, like the idea of healing trauma. And it's not always to go back to that place.
00:29:54
Speaker
So tell tell me more about that. and like I said, I had a long history of trauma. And, you know, like everyone else, i once I started seeking therapy, wanted to try all of the things. And there are so many things that are event-based therapies, right? Whether that is talk therapy or EMDR or a lot of PTSD therapy modalities are centered around event-based things.
00:30:20
Speaker
Going back to this time, talking about this experience. And, you know, for a lot of us, it's kind of like, Oh my gosh. Like, what do you, do you want the 30 from when I was three? Do you want the 120 from when I was 19? Like, do you want, where, what, how many events do you want to work through?
00:30:37
Speaker
You know, and it became exhausting. Like I was exhausted by the whole thought of it. And it's like, how do I, you know, I remember at one point, like having a ah good experience in therapy and I thought, okay, yeah, cool.
00:30:51
Speaker
If I keep this up, I'll be through it all in 130 Yeah.
00:30:57
Speaker
yeah And then I then you know i was like, this this can't be the only way. When I started to learn more about like the whole system and all of the things, and I have found like I made huge leaps in my own healing. And then you know same thing with a lot of my clients.
00:31:15
Speaker
not that I let that go, not that I don't still like, oh, when and a memory or something comes up that I don't still like address it and talk about it. But when I learned these different modalities, when I learned IFS, I was like, okay, wait a second.
00:31:29
Speaker
So it's not me, like think of that firefighter, right? Like that little girl learned this protective response. Like when I feel this, I'm going to jump in and I'm going to put out this fire immediately. So it's like she's standing there, this this little girl standing there with this fire hose, trying to put out the fire on this house that no longer exists. um so I've lived decades since that.
00:31:55
Speaker
I don't have to go back and say, look, oh, I need to rebuild this house and redo this foundation and like fix this house to then feel okay. I need to go and get her and like put that fire hose down.
00:32:08
Speaker
and be like, hey, we're already out of that. We're 40 years old now. You live with me now. I'm in charge. Look around this house. There are no angry people.
00:32:19
Speaker
No one's yelling around here. Like you're safe now. And that was like, I have cold chills even thinking about it. Like still to this, I still do this as a practice and as a way that I move through things throughout my my life. And the healing that came with that and the empowerment that came with that.
00:32:39
Speaker
Like, wait a second. I don't have to keep, and by all means go to all of the therapy and all of the people, but I, I don't have to look for other people to fix this. Like it's been me the whole time. Isn't that always the realization?
00:32:53
Speaker
Always. It's like, oh yes, you already have everything that you need. yeah, so it just became much more relieving to me and much less like it wasn't a daunting task anymore.
00:33:08
Speaker
And it was like building a relationship instead of having to like, you know, trudge through all of the pain and all of that, you know, and I still feel it, but it's not like, you know, again, like going back and having to fix it. The house is not there anymore.
00:33:23
Speaker
Yeah. What am I going to do with it? You know, it's like, you know, talk about these things like, oh, I, you know, I need to figure out how to get through my trauma. It's like, I am through it.
00:33:34
Speaker
I already survived that. I need to figure out how to live. So that shift was like, okay, I'm onto something now, you know? And I just started making these like huge leaps in in my own healing. Yeah.
00:33:51
Speaker
Yeah. I love that. Reminding me of like evolutionary biology and how Many, many years ago, the way that our brains were conditioned and built were to escape saber-toothed tigers and you know fight fight and flight and freeze. and And as we've evolved, we continue to keep that. And instead of it being a saber-toothed tiger, it's someone not liking us or an email from our boss or something that's like triggering this response that's like planted there.
00:34:23
Speaker
And it sounds like what you're saying is similarly, things are planted there for us in our own lived experience as well. So we've got a lot of things that are pointing us by default to respond in a different way than we probably would choose if we were actively choosing because, you know, that it's the, what's ingrained in our, embedded in our bodies.
00:34:47
Speaker
In terms of our responses, we're just gonna go and react to your point earlier. And then we have the opportunity to to choose to respond. So of course, everyone's probably wondering, well, how do we do that, Melissa?
Practicing Awareness for Stressful Moments
00:35:00
Speaker
The one thing that i always like, this is the the hill that I will continue to to stand screaming on in the moments that we don't need it. And what I mean by that is it's the same thing as if you were like, okay, Melissa, how do I run the marathon?
00:35:16
Speaker
If I sat here and gave you all of these amazing running tips and like all of these amazing things and you took excellent notes and you were like, okay, When the marathon, when when it's time, when they say, ready, set, go, going to apply all of these tips.
00:35:33
Speaker
Like, how do you think that's going to go? And not only that, in this work, what we're also asking is like, how do i run this marathon and not do my old coping skills? Mm-hmm.
00:35:47
Speaker
which is the equivalent of stepping up to that marathon. And then me saying, okay, use all of those notes that you took. Give me your hair tie and your sports bra and your running shoes. Go. Like it's going to go so poorly and painful.
00:36:02
Speaker
yeah So it's the same thing. This is like you said, this, the saber tooth tiger and the way that we've adopted our lives. We, we trained, ah we were trained to look for signs of danger.
00:36:15
Speaker
so in this, marathon training, we want to train our systems to look for signs of safety. And we do that outside, right before the marathon gun goes off.
00:36:30
Speaker
We create these moments throughout our day. So for me, one of the first things that I started doing was every time I walked into a new room, and Whether that was like from my bedroom to my bathroom, my bathroom to my kitchen, or, you know, from my my house to my car to my car to wherever I was going next.
00:36:48
Speaker
Every time I walked into a new room, I looked around the space like, what do I see? What do I hear? What can I smell? Like, how does my body feel? And I started to consciously, right? Because when we bring our intention to it, that default mode network has to calm down because all of the energy shifts to like our conscious thinking and our, our, our intentional thinking.
00:37:12
Speaker
And it's like, you know, I noticed these things and I trained my system slowly to look for signs of safety. And i did that right. Every time I walked into a new room.
00:37:23
Speaker
So then You know, I started practicing that observe, describe, participate when it was lower stakes. big You know, I a breeze would come through the window and I was like, that feels really good. I observe. I describe that experience and I participate in it for a couple seconds or, you know, a little annoyance.
00:37:46
Speaker
You know, I spilled the milk or whatever. And it's like, oh, I observe, I describe her So like lower stakes moments. And what happens is that skill building translates when it's time to run the marathon, right? Like we are our new way ah doing things like our, through that consistency, through those small actions.
00:38:09
Speaker
Now awareness is the skill. Like, oh, there's a big thing. you know, and I'm much more likely to be present, to be an active participant, to be able to start making choices in that moment, because I have honed the skill of like, okay, I have this stimulus that is like triggering to my system, but I have learned like, oh, I see that. And I see that. And I see that. Right. And I've trained myself to you know, look for signs of safety, you know, and it it does take practice. Like it it's all about that rebound. How quickly do I get to that? But it it it's, it's in that marathon training. Yeah.
00:38:50
Speaker
I hear you saying like you walk into a room and you look around and you're looking for external signs of safety. is it that we're always looking for external signs of safety before we get to the internal or like, how does that work?
00:39:02
Speaker
No, i could you can feel anything. like anyhow and So i I always teach like there's three ways of connection, right? Connection to self, like our interoception, what's happening, what's going on in here.
00:39:12
Speaker
you know, I'm right up to my ears. Like, can I? Okay. I notice that they're to my ears, you know. Or to the time and space. I see? What do smell? what type What is the date? What time is it? What do I hear? Yeah.
00:39:27
Speaker
what do i hear And then that we can also connect to other living things, whether that's and a person or a pet or, you know, the air or the the trees, you know, looking at my window right now, like I just saw them kind of like moving in the wind and connecting to that. So it's really just about connection and the most accessible way to you for you to connect in that moment.
Simple Awareness Practices for Healing
00:39:52
Speaker
Because sometimes starting with something, an internal cue can feel like a lot. Sometimes connecting to another thing can feel like a lot. I have found that in the beginning that one of the easiest ways to connect is through that. Like, what do i see? What do i hear? What is accessible to you? So like scanning and the the difference is it's always going to be scanning for signs of safety when we do it on purpose.
00:40:16
Speaker
Yeah. When it is subconscious, when it's doing it on its own, it's going to be scanning for it. So us just bringing our attention to it. Mm-hmm. In and of itself. So you don't have to active actively be like, what in this room makes me feel safe? It's like the fact that you have the ability to intentionally look around the room is in and of itself sending the message of safety to the system. And that will then send the message to the brain.
00:40:42
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. I'm thinking about ah few years ago, I took this course called Positive Intelligence and it was all about, we did these PQ reps throughout the day. So like three times a day, we would have to do one minute of PQ reps.
00:40:57
Speaker
And it was like, touch each of your fingertips and feel what they feel like. Wiggle each of your toes and like pay attention to wiggling each toe individually Listen for the furthest away sound. Listen for the closest sound, right? and he's like These little reps. And I remember that I was in a small group and so many people were saying, like, this is so simple. This is so, like, is this really doing anything?
00:41:24
Speaker
Right? And I think it's so interesting how we tend to discount things. these like little quote unquote little things that maybe don't take a lot of time or effort.
00:41:35
Speaker
And we feel like we need a program and we feel like we need this obstacle and it needs to be hard. And if it's not super hard, then like, it's is it even worth it? Is it even doing anything? So what are your thoughts? What do you say to that?
00:41:49
Speaker
Try it with one of your kids and then tell me. And I genuinely mean this. Like I started to come into my, my son will be 10. And I started a lot of this when he was around two.
00:42:01
Speaker
And I also was going through a grueling divorce, you know? So, so I'm like, having to try to apply these skills, but then I'm like, oh, well, okay, I can model this behavior, right? And when I started practicing it, like I, and I will still do this. If I see he has this big emotion, I'll be like, oh, I observe and describe and then like, see if I can help him participate.
00:42:28
Speaker
I will watch, oh, that really, made you mad like oh I can see you're like you want to stomp your feet and you want to scream and cry and you know like oh let's do it and and I'll do that with him and I watch how much quicker we move through that than the hundreds of thousands of things that I would have tried to say and do otherwise and then like yeah yeah there's a lot to this there's a lot uh you know and just like getting to
00:43:03
Speaker
I watch that and then I'm like, is it that simple? and and And I do understand the frustration. I always say I feel like when I did a lot of this and it worked, I felt like Sally Fields at the end of Mrs. Doubtfire, which is like the whole time, the whole time, the whole time.
00:43:18
Speaker
I could have just done that the whole I could have been doing all of this stuff. And it is because, you know, again, when you practice this with your kids, when you watch how effective these things are, when when he is really in like, it's intense.
00:43:35
Speaker
And not as much anymore because he knows what I'm doing, but he'll do a little bit of it himself. But when he was like five, six, and ah and i he'd be like just so dysregulated, I'd be like, what color shirt you wearing right now? And and he's like, whoa.
00:43:51
Speaker
And it's like, where's your left knee? and and he's like, it's right here. And then you just watching, watching it come down on its own and like his awareness coming back to like, and then it would be like, oh, you were you're really sad right now. And then like being able to work through that, watching how effective it is. You're like, okay, yeah, yeah. And it this stuff does really work. Actually, we are primal beings, no matter what, no matter how much we've been domesticated.
00:44:20
Speaker
We are primal. So yes, it is very complex how we got here. Yes, we have very complex intricate systems. Yes, all of our experiences have been complex, but that does not mean that the healing is not quite simple.
00:44:35
Speaker
Not easy, but simple. Those simple things... Is where all of the magic is. And, you know, yeah maybe it's not as seductive, right? Some of the other things that can be sold or bought, you know, and some of the other things that are like, but this, you do this one thing one time and you will be healed. Like that's seductive.
00:44:58
Speaker
This stuff is not seductive. It's like, ah okay, you know this is me and you know, how i how I engage with my life doesn't make it any less powerful.
00:45:09
Speaker
I love it. Well, i feel like I could ask you 25 million more questions and we could talk for another four hours, but I know we're coming up on time. And so is there anything that either I haven't asked you or that you feel really compelled to share I think the biggest thing is remembering that you already have everything that you need. All of this stuff came factory settings.
00:45:36
Speaker
You know, we we, from a very young age, we're directed away from ourselves or told like, Well, you don't feel that way or that's nothing to cry about or it's not that serious or, you know, you you were little and you thought that you could climb a rock wall and somebody was like, no, you can't. You're going to get hurt. And you're like, oh, maybe I don't know. Like maybe in my body doesn't know.
00:45:57
Speaker
I always hesitate to say domestication process, but it's true. Like that is through that process, we were directed away from self. That does not mean that it's not already in their factory settings that you don't already know or have all of the information because you do.
00:46:15
Speaker
It's all already in there. It's all already available to you. It's all already accessible to you.
Innate Healing and Empowerment
00:46:21
Speaker
That is the magic. Like you are the authority and all of your providers and all of your therapists and all of your people should be operating like the support system, not the authority.
00:46:33
Speaker
i love that. I love that. Well, where can people find you and how would they engage with you? What do you offer? Tell us more about that. so all of my social media handles are ReclaimingMelissa. So TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, everything is under ReclaimingMelissa.
00:46:52
Speaker
My website is reclaiminghealthy.com. All of the information, my signature program, Connected Healing, it has ah a community and a signature course and like all of these little mini courses and then live group coaching.
00:47:06
Speaker
I do still work one on one with people. And basically, like all of my social media, all of the things reach out anytime. Like I'm always happy to to engage and connect with people.
00:47:16
Speaker
Yeah, i have the Vegas Nerve Deck can be found on Amazon. and And my website has kind of everything on there. I i do retreats. I will have live workshops. In October, I'll be at Omega Institute in New York.
00:47:29
Speaker
So all of my information is on my social media and on my website. And and i just love connecting with people. Wonderful. Well, I have loved connecting with you and I really appreciate everything that you shared today.
00:47:41
Speaker
ah love this conversation and I can't wait for everyone to hear it. So thank you so much, Melissa, for being here with us. Thank you again for having me. This has been delightful. Yes. Thank you. And thank you everyone so much for tuning in and we will see you all next week.
00:47:54
Speaker
Bye-bye. um If you're loving what you're learning on this podcast, I want to invite you to come join me for the Executive Mom Reset. We offer both one-on-one and group coaching formats, and our next group is starting in October 2025. I created the Executive Mom Reset to help high-achieving moms feel less anxious, more confident, and more in control of their lives.
00:48:18
Speaker
Instead of feeling like you're being pulled in a hundred different directions, you'll learn how to pause, reset, and approach challenges with clarity and confidence. You'll stop running on autopilot, stop second guessing yourself all the time, and stop letting stress, guilt, and overwhelm dictate your day.
00:48:36
Speaker
You'll walk away with the tools and the confidence that you can use every day to feel stronger, more empowered, and more in alignment with the life you want to be living. Head on over to coachleana.com and to learn more and to get signed up.
00:48:50
Speaker
I really hope to see you there.