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Episode 42 - ADHD And People Pleasing
92 Plays1 year ago
Paul and Martin (co-Mayors of ADHDville) chat about people pleasing, you know, that thing where we exhaust ourselves making sure everyone else is happy and exhaust ourselves in the process. Along the way we learn about Martin's grandad and his staggering food choices and Paul goes off menu in the staff canteen.
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Put quill to paper and send us an email at: ADHDville@gmail.com
ADHD/Focus music from Martin (AKA Thinking Fish)
Theme music was written by Freddie Philips and played by Martin West. All other music by Martin West.
Please remember: This is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
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Transcript
Introduction to Repetitive Eating and ADHD
00:00:00
Speaker
Yeah, we're back in the room. We're back in a room. We're back in a room. So yeah, Martin, I was going to ask you, because I think it was you did a TikTok post, I think, about your granddad, you know, like thinking back about, you know, where you ate your, your um uh, ADHD comes from, you know, like granddads and granddads and stuff. And you would say like, you had a granddad that just said, was it a jam sandwich he had every day or something? I think he had a cheese and pickle sandwich every day with his entire working life, religiously, pickle every day. And then he also had, um, forward dessert, apple pie, apple pie every day. No.
00:00:44
Speaker
apple pie every, every day. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yep. So then, so then you, so you're, what you're saying is like, is's that repetitive ting yeah that is Right. That's a kind of thing. I feel like that's he's like safe food. Yeah. Like how, ah how, um, I know certainly if you're like autistic, you, you have these kind of, And I have also crosses over with ADHD as well, where you'd like to have, where you can just kind of get into this kind of circular thing where you just like something and just keep yeah having it over and over again. Yeah.
00:01:25
Speaker
Well, do you remember we used to work ah used to work together at Redlands? Yes. And there was the Staff Canteen. Staff Canteen, a Staff Canteen. Got to love that. And they were really nice, the the the the ladies. and code i Lovely ladies. ladies. Lovely ladies. I almost always had an omelette. Even if it was off menu, they would make it for me. They'd make me an omelette. Oi, Doris. come on you know you want to come on come on sometimes it's like oh come on Paul off menu again you know yeah come on Doris come on come on yeah you want to you know you want to come on make me an omelette make me an omelette i know you've been boiling up a bolognese sauce all morning but i want an omelette
00:02:13
Speaker
ah but I want a fucking omelette. Was it the same omelette or did you vary yeah very the the things or just straight egg? Ham. ah Ham. Ham. Which is such a ridiculous, generic ingredient. If you said in in Italy, if you said ham, yeah there was like Yeah, we do it. There's like 5,000 hams you could order. What's a ham? It's like asking for cheese. m So I was like, um, Doris, can I have an omelette? Um, oh God, is it, is it ham again? No, no. Mushroom. Mushroom? Yeah. Oh, just kidding. Ham. Ham. I was just ham. Yeah. I was just hamming it up.
00:03:07
Speaker
I love that. I love that. Um, so I had a granddad. Oh, it wasn't just you that granted a granddad. I'd want to, he, he, yeah. yeah a one No, I think different some if some would say because we look very similar that that could be the case. I don't know. We're still going to called earnest. You know, I was saying, no, it was cool. And he was called, he was called a Douglas, which is another very, very name of a time of its time. Right. Earnest. Yeah. Douglas. Yeah. I do like the word. I do like earnest. as and ah Yeah. Like, i'll I really like Fausto. What? Oh, time is names.
00:03:55
Speaker
That sounds like, sounds like a sort of. So Shakespearean. Right. What does it mean? Foustal. Does it mean a devil or something? What? Well, a Faust. Is it a Faust? A kind of, it's not like the half goat, half man. I'm looking up on the internet, which is something that I don't normally do, right in the middle of a. Is it catered with goats? Oh, I don't know. Let's have like a Wikipedia. We could the anticipation we should have a che should have a drum roll. All right. Well, OK. Well, it was definitely a ah Dory.
00:04:37
Speaker
Because it's Faustian. Something could be Faustian. Right. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to move on from from this little rabbit hole that I could very easily go go down. for hours back we right so anyway this my granddad is clearly it's not the same we're not sharing grandads Fausto no Ernest Ernest same like same armchair okay same position
00:05:12
Speaker
What do you mean? um size Yeah, those position. they like they should have Oh, I see. have the Sometimes the same position. Yeah. Same butt cheeks. Always the same butt cheeks. Never change them. Weird. Uh, there was side table little, um, container, always the same container of peanuts. Okay. bottle of bottle of bells whiskey energy ah never drunk he was never drunk energy oh right i see where you're going and a packet of craven a cigarettes always the same craven a cigarettes old-timers cigarettes wow okay i've never even heard of those never even heard of craven a yeah but they're pretty much as old as mulberry you know in united the states you'd have mulberry as a guess or
00:06:11
Speaker
My dad had, uh, no, my, my granddad smoked. I want to say, I want to say he had cigars or perhaps he, or perhaps he did a roll ups, which actually seems more like him. my My auntie, who who unfortunately died last year, lovely lady, my aunt, ah she smoked cigars. um she was a bad She was a bad girl. She used to swear in front of for people, including my grandmother. and And how was her omelette making abilities? Terrible, terrible. hour But my grandmother, she a she was a top cook. She was a cook. She was a professional cook.
00:06:55
Speaker
All right. So she so she was good. She's very good. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Why did did you say terrible?
00:07:08
Speaker
early Oh, all right. Anyway, she was good. Yeah, she's good. um But what but so what's your have you got a repetitive food thing?
Comfort in Predictability: Repetitive Eating as Coping
00:07:22
Speaker
Oh, God, a repetitive food thing. Yeah. i i My mother would also almost kind of like have the same meals for the week, or like one week of meals that was always in the same order. So it'd be like spaghetti bolognese on a Monday. Really? mean Like pizza on a Tuesday. It would be like that. Right.
00:07:49
Speaker
quite often. and what Homemade or packet stuff. Honestly, I think most of the food, my mum
00:08:00
Speaker
Uh, no, it was mostly homemade, but it was fairly easy stuff. It was, it was mostly just reheat stuff apart from spaghetti. Okay. know i mean okay We come from a long line of rip rep repetitive food people.
00:08:21
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. so so why But why is that? I know before we move on, I know we've been dwelling on that a bit, but we have for that usually like a short intro, but why why is, I guess the repetition is because it's something that's predictable and it's one less thing to think about. yes One less to think about, one less complication. Right. So it's a little bit like um Steve Jobs, for example, who who had ADHD, he he would have the same outfit every day because it was one less thing to but think about, right? Because planning for food is a real is it is it it's not fun and unless you're really into food. um So it's hard but hard work to kind of plan for the week and the and the food and
00:09:08
Speaker
And it's easy to just to kind of like almost have the same foods. Plus also, as I said, yeah um some people have very safe foods. So when they feel anxiety. um oh yeah They will go to to to foods that that are comforting. So, you know, those kind of comforting foods that you have. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, after that cliffhanger.
Podcast Introduction: Entertainment Focus
00:09:36
Speaker
Yeah. Welcome to ADHDville.
00:09:48
Speaker
long intro long intro talking about repetitiveness repetitiveness repetitiveness a d d d h d d repetition there we go lovely i i danced my way through that if uh if you if you're if you're if you're listening in audio Hello, I'm Paul Thompson. I was diagnosed with the combined ADHD eight months ago. And I'm Martin Weston. I've had ADHD since 2013. A while.
00:10:42
Speaker
A while ago, youngs, some would say. So we're just two mates who, by quizzes or not, ah after 39 years of fresh, it discovered that we're co-ADHDs, hurrah. um It's really important to say this is an entertainment podcast about animal ADHD. Animal, ADHD, adult, adult ADHD, and it's not a substitute for individualized advice. from qualified health professionals. No, no, no. So don't take any advice from us. We're just here to kind of all inclusive, all inclusive ADHD part base with room for everyone, including your double gaggers, your alter egos, your buddy do plays, your chaperones and your best buddies.
ADHD-Friendly Spaces and Budgeting
00:11:25
Speaker
Still here? Great! Grab your jet packs, pedilos, space hoppers or any other transportation methods and let us take you to ADHDville, an imaginary town that we've created in our minds. Where we like to explore different parts of ADHD.
00:11:48
Speaker
oh wow well the yeah yeah everyone Even though it was a bit rough around the ages. It was a bit animal. I think the introducer says animal ADHD. Yeah, but I think kind of animals. But the crowd outside the town halls seem to like that. They seem to like it. Yeah. Yeah. Seem to like it. All right. They probably like us the kind of anti perfectionists. Yeah. Yeah. they They hate a slick podcast, which is why they're here. That's fortunate.
00:12:22
Speaker
And we are the only podcast in in in this this town, so they don't get much of a choice. um So we start off as always here at the town hall in the mayor's office, where we the joint mayors of ADHD will take care of business. um And I'm going to so we've got three things on the agenda. One is the the it's a new thing. It's the it's the budget allocation that then only we're going to get onto the topic, which is people pleasing. And then we've got a fun quiz at the end where Paul is going to make me feel small and tiny and Tiny. Tiny, very tiny. ah So I thought, not on purpose.
00:13:11
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no, no yeah it's all self um and making myself feel tiny. um So back to the the budget ah the the budget allocation, we have some extra funds in our mayor's account. do i thought yeah And I thought what we could do is we could put it out there, you know like um I can propose something for ADHDville, the town to make it better for ADHD is, right? and then ah And then people can hop in the comments if they wish and and and say, yeah, yeah that they ah they they approve us.
00:13:51
Speaker
Yeah. Um, they prove us to spend this money, right? Okay. Um, so this is, I kind of feel like, you know, like when you're in a big, huge store, there's kind of big ones where you're like, where you're just doing, uh, uh, maybe it's sort of a grocery shopping in, in one of the large ones. Yeah. And there's a lot going on. I almost feel like I just want like a room off to the side where it's just a calmer. Right. You know, it's like sound proof. So the sound's down. There's a dimmer switch. You can just like lower the lights down a little bit. It's just like a comfy couch or something. You can just sit there. You can just sit there for five, ten minutes. Just kind of
00:14:37
Speaker
away from everything else. So um ah how yeah how do how how do you feel about putting that into into law in ADHD? If you've got a big, very busy store, you have these little rooms, ADHD rooms or autism rooms, where we want to call them. Just off to one side, you can just go and sense yourself calm and relax and stuff. Maybe if you'd like some headphones in there, like really good top, top end headphones like yours. All right. I just like chill for a bit. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Noise cancelling headphones. Yeah. If you, if you, uh, if you think that that's a good idea and we should spend our, our, you know, as a citizen of ADHDville, which if you're listening to this podcast, you are a citizen of ADHDville. We're a broad church.
00:15:28
Speaker
We are. ah If you feel like like that's a good ah allocation of our of our ah our funds, then yeah, go and stick your thumbs up. Or if you want us to spend money somewhere else, let us know. All right. yeah Moving on to, let's let's go to the main topic of the of the day. We're going to get to the mayor's car. Where where where are we going? And what do we think? Coffee shop. I think we'll go to the coffee shop, Mr West. I think we are going to the coffee shop so let's just bring the car round with our chauffeur and make our way over. All right. It's the coffee shop music.
00:16:22
Speaker
Bong, bong, bong. All right. Well, I'm going to have a green tea as always. Okay. All right. I'm going to go for coffee. Actually, I'm going to have a coffee. All right. You gave me the rest. Which is a rest. It's like apparently the ideal coffee. If you're going to have espresso coffee, you you don't you have like half the normal quantity. So it's really, really concentrated. and it's better for you apparently better for your stomach so they say yeah ah feel threat yeah so caffeine and my meds don't get on but I do make a coffee for my wife every morning um and then out of the out of the coffee
00:17:07
Speaker
and machine I kind of like you know put the pods in and whatever and then there's a little like teaspoon of coffee usually just right at the bottom of the a thing and and I just have that so I had like a teaspoon of coffee every every day so I just have like a taste of coffee in my mouth without without really the caffeine OK.
Understanding People Pleasing in Neurodivergence
00:17:32
Speaker
All right. Well, we're here it to talk about people pleasing. Oh, man. Yeah.
00:17:39
Speaker
It's got we were we were going to be working on this. ah We're going to be doing this subject a but couple of weeks ago. And I can't remember what the circumstances were, but we got ah we we had to change it last minute. um but And there's only this thinking that I was deliberately putting it off because this is the only time I've had to write a kind of a rough script for myself. ah for one of our ADHD themes where I really, really struggled. Not because ah because it's, I don't know, it feels really it felt really cathartic writing this. I kind of knew that people pleasing was a big part of my historical existence, shall we say.
00:18:29
Speaker
yes And actually chili writing it out, it seemed like both cathartic and quite uncomfortable at the same time. Interesting. Can I just start off with it just defining what we mean by people pleasing? All right. So firstly, it's not people pleasing isn't a like ah isn't a record a recognized condition. It's it's almost like a and an unofficial name the that we neurodivergent people give to a collection of behaviours.
00:19:07
Speaker
that capture the prioritization of others' needs over themselves. So it is constantly seeking approval and acceptance as part of that. you know and then Yes. I mean, we all want to please other people. It's part of being in a community, right? But but when it's at the detriment of yourself, that's when it becomes like an issue.
00:19:39
Speaker
Because some people might think, well people pleasing, what's bad about that? Actually there's quite a lot potentially negative about it. yeah i've kind of I think you could almost call it, at the same time, disappro disapproval avoidance.
00:19:56
Speaker
Disapproval avoidance, yes. Right. Yeah, that that is definitely a part of it, yeah, yeah for sure. that's the That's one of the big behaviours. Yeah. For sure. I mean, there's things like, you know, like if you have difficulty saying no, if you over-commit yourself, and you know, as I said, if you neglect your personal needs over, you know, over your others or avoid conflict, as you as you said, you know, those are quite common. Oh, God, yeah. I'm a massive, I used to avoid conflict. I would you know was like,
00:20:38
Speaker
a really strong instinct to me was of ah avoiding conflict, huge. um this this one ah A bit of research I did on online, I didn't do too much online, but some ah ah some people talk about people places like someone who maybe kind of quite awkwardly kind of overreacts at laughing to someone else's jokes or almost like a creepy sense of fake over enthusiasm in liking other people's company or stuff. I don't think I'm that personally. It's not overtly like, I don't think... Is that why you laugh at my jokes? Is that why it's not me? No, you're generally funny, mate.
00:21:24
Speaker
Okay. All right. Well, cheers mate. But all right. I panicked there for a minute. I was like, Oh, okay. That's why he loves my jokes. Cause cause he's trying to. And then the other thought I had was, is this why you know like I is this why we are mates is because we both avoid conflict so so uh so we so we don't ever fall out you know what i mean blind me you know like how you kind of think
00:21:58
Speaker
if people who had like rsd or like people which is part of this um yeah or or your people please it you tend to like if you have two people in in in in a relationship are you just in this yeah constant cycle of pleasing each other i don't think so But I don't, well, for a start, the reason I mentioned about, you know, there is the more overt people pleaser, you know, I don't think I'm one of them. I don't think neither are you. I think both you and I are quite people that speak their minds, or at least in each other's company. I think we're the mates because we don't feel like we have to mask in each other's company.
00:22:42
Speaker
if there's a limit of freedom, so it's almost the opposite. true Cause even when we, before we got diagnosed with ADHD, I think there was like a, lot ah there was like, um, a subconscious kind of connection in that sense. Like, Oh, yeah someone I could actually, you know, freely act, you know, how I want to with, um, say, Paul, ah you're a cunt.
00:23:16
Speaker
Yeah. ah ah How are you spelling that? With a capital K. Oh, capital K. I wouldn't expect anything to do less. Lovely. I love the C word. You could just get it out. Well, that was my allocation for like 2024. That was it. yeah I've had like one a year and I've just blessed that word that you you tis blowed has blown And it's only mine. You just shock your load for the whole year. That's it. I'm done now. You won't hear that word and out of my mouth until 2025.
00:23:58
Speaker
yeah yeah Nice. I forgot what I was going to say now. But yeah, I use that word. I get it out the drawer very selectively. Because otherwise, it's a word you can use it selectively. oh god yeah you know And it has much more effect. It's a huge impact word. huge um So some people, psychologists say that um people pleasing can actually be um used as an an and used as a manipulative element.
00:24:37
Speaker
OK. How so? Well, um how so? It can be used to kind of because it's it's quite and it's not ah it's not an authentic thing. We get on to authenticity in a minute, but um it can be used to kind of like um manipulate the discussion or relationship it's in a certain way to benefit yourself. Okay. But we won't go too deeply into that because there is an element of people pleasing that is highly psychological that we won't go into. Try and keep it on track in terms of how it relates to ADHD. To me, I think one of the reasons why this was so difficult to write ah this script is I think it's the single most frustrating and anger inducing part of my ADHD masking.
00:25:37
Speaker
Okay, there you go. I think because I think over the years, it kind of like bubbled and boiled inside me of feeling inauthentic. and In, in authentic. Yeah. All right. So yeah. So in a sense that I, people, police is such an extent that I totally, um, negated my own needs. Right. It's like my needs weren't important. It's more important that I please other people and, you know, distract myself from my needs and please other people.
00:26:16
Speaker
Right. Concentrated other people. So in my life, that would that would be, so an example of that would be, um you know, I'm doing some work and then some other work comes in and I could say yes or no to it. Yeah. But I like the person and I don't want to let them down and I kind of, ah yeah so I'll say yes to this extra work. Right. And then that And then unfortunately, um that means that I was supposed to go shopping to get some food or, you know, like, like there's other stuff that was kind of like just looking after myself stuff, normal everyday stuff that I kind of go, you know what, I'll I won't go to the grocery store or whatever. right i'll I'll just do this instead. And then you do that thing and then you're running out of food and then you have to like jump in the car and try and scrabble around trying to
00:27:10
Speaker
Oh, you know, it robs your time. It robs your time. And, you know, like, and then yeah, because because when it impacts you looking after yourself and doing things that are you things that help your mental or your, you know, your your mental health or your physical health, and you rob that by because you're people pleasing, then that becomes an issue. Yeah, totally. Well, there was a as a ah quite a common thing, and it's just another way of talking about people pleasing really. It's quite common um amongst AGHDs that the AGHDs are really bad at saying no to things. um Is that something that you've had? You're generally bad at saying no to people.
00:27:56
Speaker
Yes, generally. yeah general yes yes um and i I said it in a TikTok a while ago, and I'll probably say it as part of the TikTok that I use to promote this episode, which is um at work, if if someone knows that I'm a people pleaser, And they respect that, i.e. they know that they can put work on me, and ah right and then that's fine, right? That's okay. But if I start to feel like they're taking advantage of me,
00:28:35
Speaker
Like, oh, yeah, Martin will always say yes. All right. So i'm just kind of kind of and I'm just going to push all this work on him because he'll do it. Then if if I sense that of sort of someone, right then I am i am out. No, no, no. This is this this is um unhealthy. i i i I get very angry when I feel like someone's taking advantage of my people pleasing. I think it's one of the first TikToks you did tiktokeys that you did actually. I think it was. When I was last down in DC. ah okay I'll be down in DC next next week by the way. That segways quite nicely into
00:29:22
Speaker
the ah It's just my personal opinion, just remind people, this is entertainment podcast and this is my opinion. I think there's quite a strong correlation between, but I think narcissists have a kind of ah instinct ah for recognizing people pleasers and they were like a magnet and they'd be all over you if you're not careful. Yep. So look at you subconsciously think, oh, what people pleaser. There's like fertile ground for my narcissism. I know we could we could just just as everyone know, Paul and I could also do another podcast called Narcissistville. Yes, couldn't we? We could go Narcissistville and that could be a whole other podcast, a whole other thing.
00:30:12
Speaker
oh my god yes me yes yeah moving swiftly on i think we actually it could happen yeah um but it isn't it isn't us it's it's other people Yeah, exactly exactly. But actually, when if you are an ADHD and narcissism does um cross over into your world, it's and it's a messy, fucked up place to be. Because you've not only got people pleasing, you've got rejection dysphoria. And and that this ah that's a crappy mix to to work with.
00:30:58
Speaker
Okay. So um I've got here as well professionally in terms of people pleasing. I've, I think I paid, I played quite small, just so that I didn't, you know, upset people. You know, I think I could have been more um ah decisive in my career, in my career path. Whereas I think I generally, when I would push came to shove, I think I kind of like, I kind of like stepped aside. and let other people you know move ahead of me like at times. so um And I've got here, I said yes to so many projects that I shouldn't have said yes to. Or or even worse, not just saying yes, it's like working for fees that I know did not relate enough to my actual value, commercial value.
00:31:49
Speaker
right So I'll pull, can you do this work? So I'll watch your budget. Oh, $2.50. Oh, okay. You know, yeah I would say, no, I'm sorry. All right then. Yeah. All right. yeah If that's all you've got, you know, I know because that that that comes out of part of one of the causes of people pleasing is low self-esteem. So, yeah you know, when when you don't value yourself very highly, then, you know, people will say, oh, you know, like, can I just give you this for this job or whatever? Some small amount you think, well, i you know, my, yeah, sure. My self value is low, therefore I'll take a low value. Exactly.
00:32:34
Speaker
for my time and my skills or whatever. Exactly. There you go. Add that to the ADHD tax. That's a big chunk of cash right there. Big chunks of cash. Yep. WODS. WODS. Can you say WODS of cash in the States? whats of i No, I don't think so. I don't think Americans say wads. If you are an American and you do say wads, then let us know. How just in America, what they say, like just a pile of cash. Yeah. Yeah. Just piles. Okay. All right. Fistful of cash.
00:33:12
Speaker
um What else have I got? There's a whole chunk of stuff in my personal life as well. um just ah kind of Just in terms of authenticity, you know because if you are people pleasing, you are you put it in your is seriously compromised. Um, like let's try to make, I'll try and put up, I'll give you an example of this rather than just like talking around it. Um, example could be, you know, if you're, if you're in a relationship, okay, and you're like really, really, really overly attentive to your partner's needs, you can get to a point like it happened to me once got, I got to a point where I didn't recognize who the hell I was anymore. Like, who am I?
00:34:00
Speaker
you know what do I want? What are my needs? And actually, perversely, that's actually really, really ah unattractive to your partner too. you know ye and then And then it gets to a point like your partner says, actually, um I've been having a fair or I just want to, this relationship isn't doing it for me and you know I'm leaving you. And you're left there thinking, hang on, I've spent the last two, three, four freaking years keeping you happy. And now you say you weren't even happy. So the crash is even heavier at that point. Blimey. See what I mean? That would be, that would be.
00:34:40
Speaker
It's pretty right duub doubly kind of um painful, I think. Right. but Because you know you haven't been your authentic self, right? so you've you know And then you know then yeah you aren't turning up to the relationship as as yourself. you're You're kind of almost like being a a mirror to the other person. So if if if they say, yeah you know, what do you want to do tonight, Paul? And you go, well, whatever you want to do, you know, and then you end up just just being like a little, you know like a second, another version of your partner, which they don't want to date themselves. They don't want that. No, exactly.
Impact of People Pleasing on Relationships
00:35:30
Speaker
It's probably the worst nightmare, dating themselves unless you're a narcissist. Right. Yeah.
00:35:36
Speaker
Hmm. Yeah. So, um, so it's like, see, you may have a conversation. It's like, what the hell I sacrificed myself for you. And now you're saying you didn't even know you don't want that. Okay. All right. Okay. Then, um, going back to, you know, to me, I experienced a kind of really at first subconscious for years, actually self-conscious grow sense of emptiness and low self-worth. They just grew, grew, grew. And like boiled up, it boiled up until it's like big crash. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, because we talk about spoons, right? We talk about the amount of emotional energy, sometimes even like, yeah, the the emotional energy it takes to do things. are And when you're constantly people pleasing the whole time and you're neglecting your own
00:36:34
Speaker
needs. It makes you angry inside, and that takes up more energy take two to to kind of like keep all your feelings down yeah and until you can't, right? And you just end up blowing up. Yeah, you you pay exactly. So much and had neglected yourself so much. that uh yeah they just you know that yeah so you have to have a release valve right you have to yeah uh you know say no to things or you have to have an opinion of like no i i want to do this tonight or i would like to do this other thing why i i can't do that you know i would love to do that thing that you want me to do but unfortunately i've got a
00:37:26
Speaker
wash my hair, dye me socks, you know. Yeah, it's right. Sort out my sock drawer. Yeah. Yeah. po per My, my, my, my dog in the ribs. I mean, whatever it is, whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I did this like growing kind of bubbling sense of resentfulness, but to what seemed like probably to the world outwardly but actually the resentfulness was towards myself in the end right it's like it's a little little me inside of me say come on pull come on you know enough enough of this crap
00:38:09
Speaker
um you see that's how the podcast is is is gonna end it's it's gonna be you going you know what the last 10 episodes i've just been sort of phoning in mate and i don't want to yeah i'm i'll be blacking it i've i've just been people pleasing you please yeah by by by doing this bloody podcast and now laughing at your jokes Yeah, now I'm out. Now I'm out. i have a i have to I have to put myself first now. so Oh my God. I'm feeling really... I know you're joking, but I'm feeling really under uncomfortable at this exact moment in time. God, this just sounds horrific.
00:38:51
Speaker
um see but but c see things that's That would be the healthy way out. That would be the healthy way out. You go, yeah know what by day yeah I have to take to take some time from myself. You take the reins, you just run that and then at some point I'll come back. Whatever it is. But yeah right that' right but that's how it goes down. um and was going to say but you know you know that thing that people say oh we're not the same people as we were you know five ten years ago right if i i mean in my case i mean god there's isn't yeah there that was never a truer expression for in my case what what about you did you how much of a people please were you martin you like do you recognize yourself like ten years ago
00:39:39
Speaker
pleaser Now, and honestly, I kind of feel like it's not so much that I'm not the same person. It's it's just the person underneath the the people pleasing, if you like, was it was always there. It just kind of comes out more often yeah now, you know, and I have to look after that. person. so out Outwardly, i'm I'm different to how I was 20 years ago or whatever. But inside, it's just more of me coming out than the fake me.
00:40:17
Speaker
I went through, as my grandmother used to say, she says, I went through a phrase. I went through a phrase of, oh, Paul, don't worry, Paul, it's just a phrase you're going through. Anyway, I love omelets. I love omelets. I love omelets. Don't change the ham. Don't change the ham. so change the ham What sort of ham do you want Paul? Just don't complicate things, just ham. It's just that weird sliced stuff that is just pinkish and you just like cut it up into little cube shapes and then throw it in. Yeah. Oh that's the worst kind of ham. Sweaty ham. I'll call that sweaty ham. Sweaty squares. Sweaty pig squares. Yeah. Oh God.
00:41:14
Speaker
sweaty, cured flesh. Um, but I think I went through a phrase where I think I overcompensated. I came out the other end of being, um, uh, exaggerated, exact in, um, exaggeratingly people pleasing. Okay. I came out the other end and I went through a phrase of, of like being kind of the opposite of that. and I've been a little bit so almost like self-obsessed. It's like the only thing that mattered was but it like me um um kind of coming out of my shell, as it were, and just like, yeah, definitely. I think I've come back, I've kind of like adjusted
00:42:00
Speaker
I feel like a bit more adjusted now, but yeah, I went through a phrase of like overcompensating for the fact of, fat of, um, you know, not, um, um, thinking too much about pleasing others.
Need for External Validation with ADHD
00:42:17
Speaker
Right. I guess I'm saying I was thinking a bit too much about pleasing myself. That's what I'm saying. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's there is always going to be compromise. Yeah. which I think is the healthy way to be honest. All right. Yeah. um I would say that the other part of the the other thing is is this need for external validation.
00:42:43
Speaker
um You know like so if you have like low self is is is in-esteem you'll do things to please other people so that you want them to turn around and go oh mate you're amazing you're just like you just really pulled that one out out out the hat you know you just yeah you you've saved the day yeah well we still always love that don't we it's you never get too old to hear that kind of someone say that to you No, but it's this kind of like weird thing of like, certainly ever if you have a ADHD and you pro procrastinate or
00:43:21
Speaker
um And there there's this thing about doing things like pulling, yeah doing the impossible, right? Is that you you you you you somehow are very good when you when you're in a real time crunch to kind of do the impossible, right? So for i for a example, if if there's a piece of work that comes in where they want the earth and it's only two two days, yeah Or they give me this job and I procrastinated right at the last minute, and then you can pull something out of your ass like I'm unbelievable. um Everyone goes, oh, amazing. You just just saved the the the the the day. And then people will give you more of that.
00:44:09
Speaker
but Oh, okay. this This guy's good in a crisis. so yeah So they'll say, oh, here's this real shit job that we've got no time at all. And because you're a people play pleaser, you'll say, yeah yeah yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah. I'll do this crappy job that I'm going to spend all night on. Or sometimes they probably, if it wasn't you, if it was someone else they were working with, they probably spent more time um crafting the brief because they know it's you. It's like, oh, Martin, he's good in a crisis. We're just like, you know, blag the brief, do like work a little bit less than we should do on the brief and just like pass it on to him and see what he comes up with.
00:44:55
Speaker
that's that's where i'm talking about if if i feel like people are taking advantage of my people pleasing then then i'm i am i am out like nope yeah yeah yeah for sure but yeah all right okay is there anything else that you want to add up because we're up to the 45 minute mark i think i think that's it i think that's it i think that's it should we move on to the quiz martin should we get into the car yeah Yeah, but um let's let's just get into the car and we'll go back to the town hall. but ah But I will just say that um ah if you have any comments at all, we do read read them also. Go and jump in the comments.
00:45:41
Speaker
um and write to us and we may read out any of your comments on this poddy. All right let's get but back in the car um and we'll and we'll go back for a fun quiz after that thingy thing thing thing thing thing. yes
00:46:00
Speaker
um Oh, all right. Oh, so close. Oh, everyone. Thanks. Take this applause. I wasn't expecting that. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Yeah. Martin, on the theme of people, with people pleasing, you could have loved this. You could have loved this. esthemed It's themed. It's on theme. It's about clowns. piece of, oh what, clowns, people pleasers, it's clown quiz, I've never heard of such a thing Paul, never heard of such a thing, yes so good
00:46:46
Speaker
Yeah, I've got four different four different categories. Okay. okay i've got the I've got performing clowns, clown-based TV programs, fictional clowns and court jesters. And I'll give you, it's another multiple choice. I'm going to give you a list, A, B, C, D, E or F, a list of real clowns. OK, their names and you've got to guess the one that I've made up.
Clowns and People Pleasing: A Fun Quiz
00:47:19
Speaker
Wow. Six out of Jesus. Yeah. So ah performing clowns. OK. So which of one of these is made up, Martin? A Pinto Colvig. OK. Yeah, Pinto Colvig. B
00:47:39
Speaker
Grock, grock the clown. Yeah. Okay. C, slim pickens. Slim pickens, okay. Right. D, smutty and moist. Smutty and moist. Smutty and moist. Oh, smutty and moist, okay. E, chow or cow. Jesus Christ, what? Yeah. No, Jesus Christ was not a clown. Well, maybe some people he was. chart o cow okay chart o cow with hyphens in between or f okay yeah mump mump and smooth
00:48:21
Speaker
Which one? So these are real performing clowns. and You've got to guess which one's the the fake one. A, Pitocolfig. B, Grock. C, Slim Pickens. D, Smutty and Moist. E, Chow Yew Cow. F, Mump and Smoot. All right, well, I'm going to go with because honestly, Charo Cow sounds like it's sort of like a maybe a sort of Asian-y. Mump and Smoot sounds like really cute. Smutty and moist sounds like but the the one that... Actually, you know what? Slim Pickens just sounds like a weird name for a clown.
00:49:07
Speaker
It's like, why would you call yourself Slim Pickens?
00:49:13
Speaker
Slim Pickens. Is that what you're choosing? You see, even you just kind of like saying that makes me think that that's a real clown. Just just just by how you how are you how you reacted. You don't get too well, Mr. Wes. I'm going to go with I'm going to go with Pinto Colvig. Oh. oh no smutty and moist. is I was so close with that one. You were. I thought you almost said it. I was actually, I was actually gunning for you. I was like, yes, come on. Slim Pickens is an American rodeo clown and a film actor. Okay.
00:50:00
Speaker
myusli Mump and Smoot were ah Canadian clowns of horror. Pinto Colvig was another American. ah Pinto Colvig was also the original voice of Goofy from Disney. Oh, wow. not Next category. Are you ready? yeah Do you need to stretch or are you right? No, no. So what's the category name? Clown based TV programs. TV based. Okay. Gotcha. Right. Mm hmm. What is one of these is made up, Martin. All right. De a de clown do clown du clown. De The clown. All right. Dink. Okay. Pipo de clown. Pipo de clown. Okay. De clown meister.
00:50:57
Speaker
I'm just saying D straight off the bat. Or A, two do you want to even wait for the the the the last option? Sure, fine. Just... Peppy and... So A is peppy and cokey. five five yeah f whatever sure that's it it's just it's only there's only five in this one well i'm going with the clown meister because it just sounds like you you're right
00:51:30
Speaker
help me
00:51:35
Speaker
yeah Yeah. I was inspired because the first one was a dare clown. It was a German TV clown. All right. Dink the clown was the midget sidekick of doing the clown, obviously. All right. Right. Okay. I think you have to say. OK, so the third one. Yeah. So do well, Martin. Do well. Do well. ah Do you need to stretch with move straight into fictional clowns? Fictional clowns. Fictional clowns. Binky the clown. Binky the clown. Familiar. Yeah. Dangle and Schmangle. OK.
00:52:26
Speaker
Yeah. C. Pennywise, the dancing clown. Oh, that sounds very familiar. D. Volga, the clown. Okay. E. Yorick.
00:52:44
Speaker
Yorick. Alas, poor Yorick. My new hero. Exactly. so Well. It was a funny geezer. Yeah. So A. Binky the clown B. Dankel and Schmangle C. Pennywise the dancing clown D. Volga the clown E. Yorick All right well I am going with I'm going with not Binky not Pennywise not Yorick down to two Dankel and Schmangle
00:53:20
Speaker
or D. Volga. Volga the clown. Sounds weird. I'm going to go with Dangle and Schmangle. Correct. Yes. Correct. I've seen the lead. I've got two out of three. Two out of three. you've got the So the last one is the court jesters. OK. OK. All right. Court jesters. So the last category, five. Choose one of these five. A, Roland the Farter. Oh, I know him. Yeah. Yeah. B. Matherine de Valois. All right. as yeah as As you're having problems saying it, I'm i'm guessing that one's real. Oh, fuck you. I didn't call you a cunt then.
00:54:14
Speaker
That clearly avoided it. C. Gout.
00:54:20
Speaker
out to the clown. Yeah. D, Perkyo of Heidelberg. Okay. Or A, Jane Fall. Jane Fall. Yeah. Jane Fall, a woman. Mm. Jester. A female court jester? See, that one sticks out, obviously, because, you know, we think of courts, we're thinking of the medieval times, ah women's parts were played by men, um certainly in in in acting. So it kind of feels a little
00:55:05
Speaker
I would say it's if i've as I've never heard of one, and I know that they were very male centric when it came to the entertainers, I'm going to say Jane Full. no it's actually a real female court jester died in 1558 jester to queen katherine parr uh wife of harry the eighth and mary and mary the first right yeah the correct the correct or the incorrect answer the one i made up was gout
00:55:43
Speaker
Gout. Gout. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, okay. So it's a draw. There's a draw on on that. ah Draw on that one. Nice. Nice. All right. Well, the crowd were very quiet after that. So I think they were very unimpressed with my results. To be written fair. Oh right, well that just takes us right. People pleases though in the end, clowns.
00:56:14
Speaker
Oh, yeah, very, very much so. Very much safe so. So, yeah. good yeah All right. So it just leaves it for me to um say that ADHD bill is delivered every Tuesday to all providers of fine podcast. Please subscribe to the pod and rate us most most most of most of most pleasing, most pleasing, most most pleasing. and feel free to who correspond at will in the comments but wait there's more if you wish to see our beautiful beautiful faces than ever to then Sally forth
00:56:51
Speaker
Oh, Sally Fields. And you can also put, ah you can put cool to parchment and email us at ADHDville at gmail dot.com. and Send us a pigeon. Send us a pigeon. Absolutely. Or visit us on TikTok, YouTube, a couple of friends known as Facebook and Instagram. But in the meantime, be fucking kind to yourself. And I beseech you, fellow ADHDers, know know thy selves, sons of the house, come in there and get the flesh. Ham. Ham. Which is flesh in the end. Ham. Ham. Ham is flesh. That's that.