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REWIND
12 Plays7 years ago
In this podcast I go back and forth with my thoughts about my high school years and today. I literally rewind and fast forward, compare and contrast ideas, images and experiences. I explain the many hats I wear daily, and try to determine which hats I want to keep, and which hats I want to throw away.
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Transcript
Introduction to Teacher Talk
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Teacher Talk series four of eight stories, thoughts and insights I have on life, education and community. Enjoy. Oh yeah. All of these thoughts and stories were written and unedited. Morning.
Morning Reflections on Life
00:00:25
Speaker
When I wake up, I look back on my life and think about a variety of things. Some of these things stick out right away. Some of them are hidden in secrets and obstacles. Ideas and changes. Thoughts and suggestions.
00:00:53
Speaker
Let's rewind, let's get into it.
High School and Racial Identity
00:01:03
Speaker
It's morning and I quickly scramble, reaching for my phone line. Hoping every day was a weekend, hidden in my four walls with love.
00:01:12
Speaker
away from it all, I get up anyway. When I look back on my life, I think about a variety of things. High school viewed as less in the eyes of others, accepted kind by some, and awkward, yet weird situation. Often okayed and sometimes scared of fitting in, I'd listen to more white music.
00:01:39
Speaker
So that I could fit in. I remember my random selection of playlists. I mean, I'd play them over and over again, trying to remember them. Just so I could relate. Just so I had something to talk about. Just so I wouldn't seem too black. He said that I was too black to be his daughter.
00:02:03
Speaker
When you grow up in a system where black folk are looked at differently, the idea of acting proper, being professional, my history is based on how I look. It was really hard to know who you wanted to be. The opinion of others was based on stereotypes and generalizations.
Fashion and Personal Identity
00:02:29
Speaker
Now, I slowly walked to the bathroom, small white flakes in my eyes, laid shut like a newborn baby. I reached for the blue bristles and slowly squeezed the white paste. I grabbed the tap lightly, but was in no rush to get going. I wake up every morning with a million things on my mind. T-shirts, pants, shoes, all laid out, professional.
00:02:58
Speaker
Back then, I went through my 90s hip-hop face, throwback jerseys, Micheliness, baggy pants, sunglasses, when appropriate, mugs, you remember those boots, heavy as, but stylish, very stylish, but in reality, they look like two boats. Different color dew rags, bling in both ears, huge diamond areas, both fake. Airbrush tees of everything, Air Force Ones,
00:03:38
Speaker
long white teas, more fake jewelry. You could probably guess how this went in high school.
00:03:51
Speaker
Now, when I look back on my life I think about a variety of things. I can't wear hats because my afro's big but I take 10 hats with me anyway. I don't eat breakfast because it doesn't sit well in my stomach. Funny thing is I do on holidays. Just not during the work week. Any situation could make it upside down and sideways up.
00:04:14
Speaker
How many fake smiles will be forced? Who will ask to touch my hair? Who will pretend to understand who, what, when, where, why? Back then, I remember parties, dressing to fit in, golf shirts needed to be Hollister, campus crew, or some other prep brand that was accepted. Crazy how it worked. People looked at you differently.
Struggles with Authenticity and Stereotypes
00:04:51
Speaker
Now I get tired switching hats all day, different sizes, colors, shapes, designs, fitted, snapped back to retro, new era to new era. My mind continues to race. How are you doing? Everything's okay.
00:05:08
Speaker
Yeah, I'm good. How are you? In my mind, I'm thinking, you have no idea. I'm not good. I'm living in snow white. My ideas are colored. I'm not good. I can't wear hats because my afro's big, but I take 10 hats with me. Anyway, I mean, how could I expect you to understand that I walk different, that I often hear what you are saying, but I totally disagree? I don't say because, you know, I don't want to be the angry black guy.
00:05:48
Speaker
I can see it in your eyes, some of you are uncomfortable already.
Cultural Representation in Education
00:06:02
Speaker
Back then, just wanting to fit in was one thing. Taking classes that were supposed to represent me was another. I remember African Canadian studies. She was sweet, but she didn't look like me. The class sure did. And, in my personal opinion, it was the only safe place to be. Why don't I remember anything from this course? Well, because what experiences were told?
00:06:23
Speaker
What community members were invited in to share? What trips did we take to the church? They mean we were 10 minutes away from the largest black communities in Canada. Strange. That just didn't make sense. But we had a place to hang out. And as some would say, act a fool.
00:06:49
Speaker
Now, still uncomfortable. I can't wear hats because my afro's big, but I take 10 hats with me anyway. You asked me, how am I doing? I'm not good. I'm living in snow white. My ideas are colored. I'm not good. Comments of uncertainty. And if they do, I'm not going to apologize. In case you were wondering, I am black Canadian.
00:07:09
Speaker
dark skinned, cuts that turn into black spots, big lipped red on the bottom afro puff ashy knees, slang talking family eating mashed potato wearing loud mouth walking black. You just haven't seen the real me. A day in my life is simple, y'all look at me and believe everything's okay. Let's follow.
00:07:33
Speaker
I'm tired of following. I can't wear hats because my hat froze big, but I take ten hats with me anyway. I step into Snow White and I'm always expected to be proper. Sit up straight and look at me! Always putting on inside my head about who I am. Am I trying to perform? Who am I performing for? But be careful. I can't be the angry black guy.
Being a Token and Racial Expectations
00:07:59
Speaker
Can't put up a fuss, head down quiet and listen. You know what? It's not worth it. Images of flipped tables, yelling to the top of my lungs, pencils flying, ripped papers, airborne effects. Let me bite back. I'm not a token. I'm not a token. I'm not a token.
00:08:25
Speaker
Back then, I mean, I was accepted in different places, but I never acted the same. Now, I feel the same way. Now, back then.
00:08:52
Speaker
I had to flip the script when I needed to. I had to change a mindset quickly. I had to consciously think about my clothing, my hairstyle, my talk. Hmm, I also got good grades. Now, I feel the same way. Back then, often felt like a token.
00:09:29
Speaker
back then now colliding racial harmony we got a few we got a good one too inserted placed and acknowledged but yet still a token
00:09:48
Speaker
Now, you give 100%, I give 120. I'm easily replaced. You don't have to worry about it. Why? Because I have to. I don't look like you. I represent an influence that next colored person in line. Ah. I can't mess up for them. The pressure. I have to act civilized. Little room for mistakes. Learning from my life lessons, I feel the expectation growing.
00:10:13
Speaker
To always do more, I have to stand out because that's what tokens do. I can't wear hats because my afro's big. I take 10 hats with me anyway. They stay shiny. They please others, but placed on the shelf will not be only used when appropriate.
Existential Questions and Identity
00:10:35
Speaker
Back then, it's hard to think that these high school experiences would ever happen again in real life.
00:10:43
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Is this the world not growing? Am I not seeing it from the right perspective or angle? I mean, what am I missing? It was like living in a double life. I mean putting on and off for a variety of friends trying to be accepted in multiple places. But is that who I am? Not really understanding what I really wanted to be. Now,
00:11:16
Speaker
And at this point I'm zoned out, your vision is invisible and you don't exist. And I'm sorry. Kinda not sorry. Back then, I was never really sure where I was from or how I got here. I mean, I knew I was from Preston, but where was I really from? I had no idea and I avoided the question. I didn't want to try to explain. I didn't want to pretend I knew, so I avoided it.
Embracing True Identity
00:11:46
Speaker
I can't wear hats because my afro is big, but I take 10 hats with me anyway. Today I can answer the question. I can tell you exactly how I got here. I can tell you who my ancestors are and what they did for Canada, what they did for British, how they are strong, powerful human beings and everything else about that history. I don't have to.
00:12:14
Speaker
now and then. Today and now seem like mixes of mush. Living in my mind, I mean as I grow and understand my places at work, simple experiences of walking outside, an establishment that is colored differently, but my homestay and family life I will continue to wear different hats. In hopes of someday choosing one, a hat that reminds me of who I am. A hat that reminds me of staying true.
00:12:41
Speaker
Accepted and challenged in the same place. Always. You ask me how I'm doing. I'm not good. I'm living in Snow White. My ideas are colored. I'm not good. I can't wear hats because I have way too much hair, but I take 10 hats with me. Anyway. A reminder to be yourself. A reminder to fight back. A reminder to stay true.
00:13:10
Speaker
A reminder that my mind belongs to me and my thoughts. I can share if I want to. I can shut up if I have to. I can wear any hat because someday I'll choose one hat, regardless of my hair. And I'll take no hats with me anywhere.