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Episode 751 - Christmas Collision
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It's our annual Christmas special, but there's one problem. A moose/snowmobile crash has led Matt and Chris to forget what Christmas even is! It's up to an unusually game Matt Fraction to help them remember -- but at what cost?
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
This show is recorded using Zencaster. If you are a podcaster or you want to be a podcaster and you want to be able to record remotely, you can do so using Zencaster. They also have hosting options and you can let them know that we sent you. Follow the link in our show notes or in the episode description and sign up for an account on Zencaster now to start recording your own podcast.
00:00:28
Speaker
Lightest, I'm bored. What plaything can you offer me today? War Rocket Ajax.
00:00:59
Speaker
Hey listeners, welcome to Mount premise. And, uh, it's me, it's Matt fraction. And, ah you know, it's, it's been a tradition for many, many years, uh, that, that, that I come on and visit the boys at Mount premise for the Christmas episode every year.
00:01:16
Speaker
And, I have a little bit of a reputation of of being, a little, uh, antagonistic towards premises as much as I love Christmas.
00:01:27
Speaker
And, uh, And it's it's it's caused some good-natured friction, if if if friction. Anyway, I felt really bad ah because I know how much Matt and Chris love Christmas.
00:01:40
Speaker
And so I decided this year I was going to get to the cabin on Mount Premise before them and do all the
Christmas Preparations at Mount Premise
00:01:47
Speaker
decorating. So when they show up, it's going to be like a big Christmas surprise. I got gifts. I got the the hot cocoa going, the tree, the the trimmings, all the stuff. They're all ready to go.
00:01:58
Speaker
looks It looks... It looks absolutely like ah like a 1970s Christmas variety show in here. and And I couldn't be more excited for the boys to come. and it should They should be arriving any minute now. I thought they'd be here a little bit earlier.
00:02:11
Speaker
um But I don't know. Look, it's it's the holidays, right? Everybody's crazy running around with a million things to do. So um also, I don't know why I'm keeping my voice down, because I'm the only person in the cabin on Mount Premise.
00:02:23
Speaker
And they would be outside, so they wouldn't be able to hear me. what what Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, look out! Look out! Hark, hark. I hear something outside. Could it be Matt and Chris at long last?
00:02:37
Speaker
Oh my god. What the hell happened to you two? Oh, my head. you okay? Chris, I think we left our bags. i think The bags are still back there by the snowmobile. Where's the War Rocket Ajax helicopter? ah where where where how did How did you guys get here?
Mishaps and Arrivals
00:02:56
Speaker
Oh, we took a moose. you took a mo you took You took a moose? Yeah, we you have moose rentals. No, no. We were on a snowmobile and we hit a moose.
00:03:08
Speaker
And I guess you were – okay. I guess it would be funnier if you took a moose and hit a snowmobile. Yeah, that's where I was going with it. Okay. Actually – Wilson got a real bad blow to the head.
00:03:25
Speaker
Yeah, i I forgot that I rented a snowmobile and Chris rented a moose. And we crashed into each other. Wait, you don't remember? Oh my god. ah do you guys you guys get First, ah you are you can you you're concussed or something. You don't remember? ah was What? what what yeah i'm so I'm surprised. I know we're we're meeting you here, but I'm surprised. i feel like usually Matt and I get here first and then you show up later, Fraction. Yeah, don't know. Yeah,
Fraction's Christmas Reflection
00:03:53
Speaker
surprise. I wanted to get here early and decorate the cabin on Mount Premise for Christmas ahead of time as a way to kind of say I'm sorry for the past 18 years of ah rejecting Premises and being a Christmas grumbly grouch guy. No, it's it's it's Chris Sims. The M's in the middle.
00:04:09
Speaker
What did I say? You said Chris Mass? yeah yeah Yeah, the holiday. Christmas. christmas yes Yes. I'd never no really thought about the spoonerism Chris Simms Christmas before.
00:04:20
Speaker
but But anyway, i just wanted to I just wanted to do the Christmas stuff so you guys could just show up and just like slide into Christmas celebrating without having to do all the decorating and stuff. Listen, I don't i don't know what you're talking about. Did you keep saying my name wrong?
00:04:34
Speaker
I haven't heard of this day that you're talking about. All of our luggage and stuff... Is back but at the crashed snowmobile. And moose. the The moose ran off. From all I could tell, the moose was okay. and look Listen, mooses, they're big as shit. like you got to yeah you did i i went over the I went over the antlers like a kid on a bike. You know, like the handlebars. Okay, well... Oh gosh, thank God it wasn't a reindeer, am I right? Because that would sure blow... ah I don't think reindeer live...
00:05:07
Speaker
off Gimmick Street. and i mean I feel like there's a reindeer petting zoo for adults only. i feel like you're referencing something that i've never I don't understand. Yeah, so what is this? Wait a minute. Are you telling chris christmas sims and matt what christmas wilson Don't remember Christmas and now it's incumbent on me, a guy with a spotty understanding of the holiday and its histories and traditions at best, to remind you of what the spirit and nature of the season is?
00:05:46
Speaker
Because that sounds like a crazy premise. That sounds like a wild premise for some kind of special you'd watch on TV for some real holiday, like Flag Day or something.
00:05:58
Speaker
Oh, man. Have you ever seen the one ah with Kirk Cameron where ah the the the flags represent um colonialism? Yeah, I think I have seen that one. I think I have seen that. Let's look. Let's get into the cabin and see if we can't figure this out. You mean to tell me none of this stuff looks familiar? None of this jogs anything to you? No, but I like all these lights. I mean, I guess that's a tree inside. You don't usually see that. That's pretty cool.
00:06:28
Speaker
why did you Why did you hang a bunch of socks up? What's that for? so okay Okay, all right. So Christmas trees, stockings hung by the chimney with care chimneys, ah boughs of holly, lights. How about the Santa Claus? Does that ring a bell? ah ah December 25th. Is that a Santuklas?
00:06:52
Speaker
ah like like quiz That's in Arizona. Zantuckless. Yeah, no, it's right, right, right. It's it's where the Alice Cooper ah Celebrity Golf Tournament is. Oh, man. Okay. All right.
00:07:04
Speaker
I should probably radio for medical help for you guys, because I think you've suffered really profound traumatic brain injuries. Yeah, my head is bleeding quite a bit.
00:07:18
Speaker
But I think it might be more important to try and remind you of what christmas is because i know just speaking selfishly if you guys aren't aren aren't aren't fired up for christmas ah while we do the the the the war rocket ajax christmas episode it's just not going to feel like christmas for anybody well i We better make this quick, because i I really want to go get the bags. They're still out in the snow. They're full of hot, freshly baked pies.
00:07:51
Speaker
and i I don't know. i they're just They're not going to be any good if they're they're
Santa Claus: Myth and Reality
00:07:56
Speaker
all frozen out there. Why did you bring why did't you bring hot hot pies?
00:08:02
Speaker
I don't remember. Okay. okay I had some kind of celebration. I knew we were going to do some kind of celebration up here. Matt, you you keep mentioning the bags. Do you want to go get the bags? or is this like Do you want me to go get the bags? I'm very dizzy.
00:08:19
Speaker
I'll go get the bags. You guys figure out like what what it is we're doing here, I guess. I'll be right back. Sims, why don't you go with him so in case he gets in trouble, you're there and can get help. And and if you get in trouble, he can...
00:08:32
Speaker
come but You know, like, you you guys you you you you guys stick together as as a unit. don't Don't split the party. And if you don't both come back in, like, I don't know, 80 seconds, I'll come back for help. All right, I will go with the the three to five Matt Wilsons that I currently see.
00:08:52
Speaker
Yeah, just just follow the trails of blood and look for bags full of pies. yeah all right look they should be They should be easy to spot. ah let's go let's go get It's weird that that's all we brought, but I guess we're wearing clothes. so It's true, you are wearing clothes. Yeah.
00:09:09
Speaker
Should I put on clothes? Would you be more comfortable if I was wearing clothes? i can put Is that a part of the Christmas thing? No, that's just my own thing. That's just my own. i just had a different vibe going, but i can I'll put clothes on while you're gone. i mean you know i I didn't um mean, you know, I thought maybe we were going to go balls out tonight. so it's it's But then, you know what, let's let's get the brain bleeds stopped and get Christmas remembered. Oh my god, okay.
00:09:31
Speaker
Alright, we'll be right back. we'll be right back oh listeners, I'm so fucked. Oh my god. because i Here's the thing. I'm not Benito. I'm not Chris Schweitzer.
00:09:42
Speaker
I don't know this stuff. um ah But I'm going to have to try real hard. And I'm not going to just start Googling things because that would break the premise. So, ah god, man, and i brought gifts and everything. Okay.
00:09:58
Speaker
All right, I hope I don't blow this. I'm going to totally blow this, but please know I'm going to try real hard, and I'm sorry for all of the things I don't know, of which there are a legion.
00:10:10
Speaker
Matt, well you brought 46 pies. They're all cobblers, Dale. That's fine. I like cobbler. They're all cobblers. I, I, I really, was like, I got them latticed, I latticed crusts and everything. man. Did you put the, did you, did you put the little things a little on top of the lattice, the little extra like little filial decorations on, on top? Oh, I love that. Yeah. The little, the little pieces of crust that look like a leaf. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Of course I did that. And, and I, and I cut in the little, the little, uh,
00:10:46
Speaker
you know lines at the top. so these are These look like cartoon pies that would be sitting on a windowsill that a dog would float over to. a i do remember dogs.
00:10:59
Speaker
Okay. all right so you're okay That's good. that's good all right so it's it's It is a very selective amnesia. You remember dogs. You remember cartoons. Does this Christmas involve dogs?
00:11:10
Speaker
It can. Although they say it shouldn't. you know Dogs are commitments and not presents. Bringing a dog into the home in the middle of ah the the chaos of a holiday like Christmas can actually be really bad. ah ah Fraction, I've got to say, if Christmas is supposed to be a good thing, you're not selling it it is it's it's It's the best thing. it's the best thing um so so let okay Let me see if I can get this straight. What what i've what I understand so far.
00:11:41
Speaker
Christmas is not a holiday for dogs, but it does involve reindeer in some capacity. yeah Yeah, and really it just shouldn't be the day you bring a new puppy into the home.
00:11:52
Speaker
Christmas is great for dogs. There's nothing cuter than a dog in a Christmas sweater. It's really fun to give dogs presents to unwrap because dogs just like to shred stuff. So there are presents involved in this. in presence or A big part of of Christmas is that on Christmas morning, December traditionally, ah see the big tree in the corner?
00:12:15
Speaker
yeah Yeah. See how there's some presents there now? Those are like presents like, oh, this is from me to you and this is from you to me or whatever. But on Christmas morning, there's going to be a bunch more presents because Santa Claus comes and brings presents.
00:12:28
Speaker
Okay, when does he get here? Is he, like, a friend of yours? He is a friend to children everywhere, like Gamera. and well Hang on. i what is the Santa is... Santa Claus? Yeah, yeah, but it's C-L-A-U-S, like Klaus. Matt, I know this one. i I think that's Chip's real name.
00:12:48
Speaker
Yes, it is, but but also, based on Saint Nicholas, siner and it became what it was, Sinter Klaus, and he's ah he's a saint, ah but also he's a secular master. He's like the Philly fanatic, but for presents.
00:13:08
Speaker
Okay. Like the Philly fanatic shoots T-shirts. So he shoots them out of a big gun. Well, ah no, he could. I don't know. You know what? That's kind of part of the charm and fun of Christmas when you're young is is puzzling through how Santa completes his impossible task of bringing presents to all the good boys and girls around the world.
00:13:27
Speaker
cool how does he In a single night. how does he How does he do it, then? Did you figure it out? I mean, there's should there's theories. There's just theories. um it's It's like quantum mechanics, right? there's there's there's there's We know more ah about what we don't... We know more things we don't know than things we actually know. Okay, so why why does he do that?
00:13:50
Speaker
um Because...
00:13:56
Speaker
Children are good... And, well, hmm. The traditional, the, oh boy. Okay, so the rap was, ah listen, there's no way that this doesn't sound disturbing when you hear it as an adult.
00:14:18
Speaker
It's even disturbing when you hear it as a child, if you think about it for a second, but that Santa knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good, be good for goodness sake. And it's sort of like a reward for good behavior is the the kind of traditional party line is the is Santa rewards good kids and bad kids. did not not Not so much. Yeah.
00:14:41
Speaker
It's at a slippery moral slope that I'm not comfortable with. i I heard two different things here. I heard that that all children get gifts from this guy. that's what i'm i'm figuring i'm I'm figuring out the name now. Santa like Saint.
00:14:55
Speaker
yeah Spanish for Saint. Yeah, sure. But Claus is... Like German. Like a nickname? With a C. yeah was is So he's a Spaniard.
00:15:06
Speaker
He's a Spaniard. He's like a, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think that probably tracks. But there's also something well Germanic about it. And then there's Saturnalia, I know is a thing.
00:15:17
Speaker
he's kind of a druid. um I think my amnesia also extends to Saturnalia. Oh, boy. okay Or the in the Feast of Sol Invictus. I don't recall that at all. Oh, oh but you remember Sol Invictus.
00:15:31
Speaker
I know the name. Mm-hmm. yeah Yeah, I thought it was a metal band. So, ah like I said, my my I'm going to do the best I can. But it was a Roman celebration. of okay ah and and And a lot of its traditions, combined with the Charles Dickens story, laid the template for Christmas as we know it ah now. charles I'm sorry, who? Wait, Charles Dickens was ah there a writer? Like, he was a real rambunctious guy, and so everybody was like, oh Charles would have Dickens? No, he's Matt, he's an author. ah Pickwick Papers, you you remember that.
00:16:09
Speaker
Yeah. um Bleak House? you Remember Bleak Everyone loves Bleak House, right? David Copperfield, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, but he wrote a book called A Christmas Carol. Oh, Santa Claus was the guy who was going to marry Miss Havisham?
00:16:20
Speaker
And then he left her. No, I don't think that's right. look i Charles Dickens sounds like a guy who invented something, and I i am unfamiliar.
00:16:32
Speaker
Okay. I don't want to get ahead of myself. We'll put a pin in Dickens, and we'll come come back to that. Ouch. that Okay. so i was remember I was hearing two different things.
00:16:45
Speaker
earlier ah I heard that all kids get presents, and then I get i heard that there's some kind of reward system where where some get rewarded and others don't.
00:16:57
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. so it's both And you don't even get me started on like ah economics of the issue. you know So this is like the carceral state for children. this Again, you're not i know and into this. Yeah, no, it's... I know, I know. It's it's complicated. But i also, like, when I told, you know, my my kid, ah my son, ah confronted... What do we think ah the median listening age for these for these are? What do you think? Probably 43. Do you think...
00:17:36
Speaker
do you think
00:17:40
Speaker
ah Not to bend the premise, and maybe we edit this out, but like can I talk about the true nature of Santa Claus without potentially...
00:17:52
Speaker
You know what? How about this? If you're listening to this, and you are perhaps in the room with people still ah deeply committed to the magic of Christmas, maybe skip ahead a few minutes.
00:18:07
Speaker
i i have heard of I have heard about listeners who are parents having their children listen along with them. these are These are parent-only secrets regarding the mechanics of Santa and the gift distribution network and the North Pole and the elves and all of that. And there are things that parents know that children don't because Santa moves in mysterious ways.
00:18:30
Speaker
There's elves? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Legolas, like Galadriel. Yeah. I don't know what that is. um ah ah Did you have an accident on the way here? No, actually, I do know what that is now because last year for Christmas, my son asked me if I would finally watch Lord of the Rings with him and not make fun of it.
00:18:47
Speaker
And since he asked, he had genuinely, sincerely asked, and I said, yes, I will. will And so we sat down from from from Christmas to New Year's and got through all all three of the extended editions. well now, if Christmas involves watching Lord of the Rings, then I'm all in. It does for a lot of people, weirdly enough. Yeah. um A lot of people, actually. um Also, Matt, to your question, I have noticed that Fraction does keep kind of turning to the wall and talking.
00:19:14
Speaker
Yeah. yeah ah so Okay. So, parents, if you are in the room with with youngsters ah who Santa would not want them to understand some of the magic of Christmas...
00:19:27
Speaker
skip ahead three minutes. Uh, um, okay. So, so it's a, he's, he's not real, right? It's a thing that parents do for their, for their kids.
00:19:39
Speaker
Um, but, but when my son asked me about the, to tell him the truth about Santa Claus, which
Santa's Logistics: A Humorous Take
00:19:47
Speaker
he did in the middle of frontier land at Disney world, um,
00:19:53
Speaker
um ah But that's very funny. Oh, it was hilarious. And he goes, Dad, you know how you said you'd never lie to me? Tell me the truth about Santa. Tell me now. I want to have the Santa talk now. Tell me now. when you said you'd never lie. Tell me. Let's talk. Tell me. Is Santa real? Tell me.
00:20:07
Speaker
So we had the talk. And afterwards, he was like, Oh, God, i'm so relieved. Because he would get mike mike mike gewi gets so anxious about it. like he it would He was really worried. Every year he had to go see Santa, he was worried he had been a bad kid and it was going to get bad news. He was genuinely relieved to learn. Oh, oh thank God. okay So this is a holiday where you lie to a child to make them anxious.
00:20:34
Speaker
Well, it can have that effect. Which is why I'm trying to... Well, say look, really... Oh, fuck. Fuck. Yeah. okay no it's ah it's ah You guys remember... Do you guys remember Easter?
00:20:50
Speaker
yeah ah yeah Yeah. That's the the day that the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is resurrected from the dead. but I'm putting something together here. I am putting something together here. there are There are two other like kind of ah figures like this uh uh beings uh mythic yes creatures yes um that that that sort of um it's a time of magic yes christmas is full of myth myths and it's it's a time of lore and folklore and stories and magic it's a time of ancient gods warlords and kings the people cried out for a hero and her name was xena oh wait to hear about donner and blitz in my man
00:21:29
Speaker
um They sound cool. well i i i I know about the Easter Bunny. which yes that He brings candy, as ah as as I recall. right and And Santa brings presents. so like It's like a birthday, but like for everybody? Yes.
00:21:47
Speaker
That's pretty cool, just like an extra birthday. Yes. It's a big holiday. there's ah There's special music. right there's all these There's special songs. There's special TV shows and and movies and stories. and Like I said, it's it's really...
00:21:59
Speaker
this kind of big folkloric kind of, it has its roots in this, this, this, this kind of folklore, right? These myths and, and, and folk tales and, and stories that we tell, but it's also tied in with events of religious significance.
00:22:14
Speaker
um Yeah. It's pretty, pretty wild that it's everybody's birthday. Cause like, what if your birthday was that day? That is a lot. That would be nuts. You know, it happens to some people and it sounds like it's a bummer because they get a lot of a lot of one for twos.
00:22:28
Speaker
You get lot of, here's your birthday and your Christmas present, and it's one present. So, you lie to children, yeah make them anxious, and then sometimes you don't give them presents because you've already gotten them a different present that everybody else is also going to get at a different time of year.
00:22:46
Speaker
I mean, I suppose that could happen. i And what if you're poor? What if you can't afford presents, right? What if you are, you know, what what poverty is right? Like, yeah, no look, look it's it's ah it's it's hard. It's really hard to, to like,
00:22:59
Speaker
to to really look at. Yeah, man, it kind of sounds bad okay so so But the Santa guy, like he's got to be cool, right? like The coolest, right? Because here's... here's like I think there's... um boy.
00:23:10
Speaker
Yeah, no. So he lives at the North Pole. ah let Like, that's Superman, dude.
00:23:19
Speaker
I think Superman borrowed from... I know, shocking that I think Santa predates Superman. And... a superman and And the North Pole probably does as part of the Santa mythos.
00:23:32
Speaker
I don't... Oh my god, wait a minute. did did this's did the Did that come from Superman? Maybe, yeah. I can't decide if my amnesia extends to my knowledge of Doc Savage as well.
00:23:44
Speaker
But it might. And if it does, I would probably have some thoughts. Superman has been around since 1938. Just like Batman. Yeah. You're telling me...
00:23:56
Speaker
yeah you're telling me Santa Claus is older than that. Yeah. Yeah. and and So, so Santa Claus must not have any kind of like corporate, um, iconology or, or like have, have so if Santa's that old, well he's, he's, he is in the public domain.
00:24:17
Speaker
So, you know, there are lots of interpretations of, of Santa and how he looks and behaves. um man that would be silly if like people use this, i it sounds like kind quasi religious figure,
00:24:28
Speaker
for a religious slash secular holiday it's for children to like sell something that, I mean, that would be, that might be even worse than giving children anxiety. Well, I think, I think, I think there's a way to think about it like that, but there's also a way to think about it as rather than selling things to, to, to, to children of like a, The joyful act of giving gifts as an expression of of love and celebration. And the the timing is is intrinsic to ah a lot of things. But but like it it it comes into it's December 25th, which is you know a few days after the winter solstice, right which is the darkest, the longest night of the year. Right.
00:25:14
Speaker
Right. And there's a lot of the roots of the holiday was about recognizing sort of and it's in as I understand it, which is to say, as I have. remember skimming once that, you know, it was, it's a, it was a, a, a pagan holiday, a druidic holiday, recognizing the the solstice, um, that was taken, ah by Christian conquerors as, as some of the things were and, and sort of repurposed into a different thing. But, but it was really about celebrating this, this darkest night of the year with your family and friends coming together in a celebration of love and and light. It's like, Hey, we're going to make it through. Look, it's the darkest night of the year We're all together and we're singing songs and we're, we're, we're enjoying pop it corn.
00:25:58
Speaker
And, um, um, did you guys bring corn for popping? I brought pies. I brought, apparently but I looked at my bag. The only thing I've got in there is like, um, some, uh, 2% milk and a bunch of Oreos.
00:26:13
Speaker
Man, you, Oh, Oh, that's part of it. Um, Oh, where traditionally you leave milk and cookies out for Santa. Cause, cause the idea like in an equitable and just world that Santa is going to go around to all the children of the world who choose and care to believe in him, i guess.
00:26:32
Speaker
Cause you know, look, it's, it's, uh, uh, yeah, there's lots of religions. Uh, there's lots of celebrations. Not everybody's, uh, celebrates Christmas. Um, but it's, it's pretty prominent and prevalent here in the, and in the United States. um um But you leave milk and cookies out for Santa at night because he's got to go to all the houses in the world where there are kids and leave presents, right? Okay, but you also said he wasn't real.
00:26:57
Speaker
well yeah yeah So you so like part of the holiday is wasting food. Well, no. you're going to look Let's say you've got two kids and that means you've got, ah let's say, a fucking ah Last Jedi Death Star and a Monster High beauty Academy, ah play set to put together, ah so that when your kids come out Christmas morning, it looks as though Santa has delivered them these big hard to assemble toys that are gloriously really lucky. It's a late night for parents.
00:27:25
Speaker
Parents are goingnna be up late putting shit together, putting stickers on shit, building things, wrapping things, a couple of cookies help power you through a little bit. So, you know, um, but yes, part, part of the the joy of the holiday for some reason is deceiving children. Okay. So hopefully feel that is magical and wonderful.
00:27:44
Speaker
and And not, in fact, that they are being surveilled ah by a cruel and judgmental eternal tyrant who is deathless. And um in a sort of relentless, remorseless cycle of of of ah making shit and delivering it for all of the children in the world in a single night. Fraction, do you like Christmas? I do.
00:28:06
Speaker
do. it i do i really do. I really do. okay because i will say of all the stuff you've said all that stuff about you know the darkest night of the year and and gathering with friends and family i mean i can i can get with that that seems nice so right it it seems like like even though he's like a public domain character that this Santa Claus wouldn't be associated with like advertisements or anything. It's just all about. Yeah. I do i think that that says that is, that is now, now does your, does, does your, your, your amnesia extend to, um, um, simply having been alive in the world because it's got nothing to do with Santa.
00:28:48
Speaker
Uh, people are, uh, we live in a capitalist society. You remember capitalism, right? ah people will use anything to sell shit to other people. Um, whether it's Jesus, Santa, Ivermectin, uh, or, uh, uh, you know, like that has nothing to do with, uh, Christmas, uh, as an idea, but as part of the holiday, yeah, no, people try to sell things a lot. It is a very big commercial. It is a very big, very commercialized, uh, high dollar retail, um
00:29:18
Speaker
you know It makes everybody's quarters. But it's but it's not like it's not like all this Santa iconography and like the visuals of it would be like defined by advertisements or anything. well but yeah To Chris's point, you know like it would be wild if this guy, this like magical guy who's supposed to like bring joy to all these kids, who's like this mythic figure that that we all agree on, was like i don't know hanging out in shopping malls. Or or if like his his appearance – I'm just pulling this out of my ass – These are weird wildly specific for instances. I love it.
00:29:51
Speaker
If his appearance was like defined by, say, I don't know, like a huge like soda company. Yeah, like something that's not even like healthy or good for kids. Yeah, no, that doesn't happen. People all respect the icon and image and ah sanctity.
00:30:12
Speaker
of the spirit of the holiday, if not its letter and sort of messy history. And yeah, no, those streams are never crossed. Oh, well that's good. i that is I don't remember this, so I hang on hang on i have no choice to believe you. I have to look at the wall real quick.
00:30:25
Speaker
You guys, I was fucking up. I just have to start lying to them and treating them like they're children, and I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to do this. Yeah, anyway, so Santa's like a no-fly zone. Like, no, no, come on, don't don't mess with this. Some things are too precious to be...
00:30:39
Speaker
more grist for the machine of, of, of capitalism and profits. ah ah Tell the truth to the children, um ah you know, ah protect them, have their best interests at heart and, and celebrate the the joy and meaning and reason for the holiday and, and, and not use it to make your fourth quarter printer sales projections. It's yeah. I mean, it would be crazy. It would be crazy if if Santa celebrated the Honda days.
00:31:16
Speaker
Weirdly enough, I do remember happy Honda days. That is weird. That's, I remember Toyota Thon and I remember happy Honda days. Yeah. And kind of thought that's what we were coming here to celebrate. Yeah. I mean, Honda days, we all know about Honda days every year.
00:31:31
Speaker
and And you guys celebrate Hanukkah? Yeah.
00:31:40
Speaker
and obviously Obviously, I'm familiar. i And and imp personally me, Swanza. yeah I personally am not i'm not Jewish, but i and sure, I'm familiar with Hanukkah. The the the on a key candle stayed lit for for eight days. Hanukkah, Matt. it's It's a holiday with soul.
00:31:57
Speaker
And
00:32:00
Speaker
and and i I just heard you. I misheard what you said as, as I thought you said it was a holiday. It was a, the, the, the holiday sniglet where the candles get burning. i was like, I guess, how is it a sniglet? I guess, uh, what is it? A port man? Interesting. Okay. I want to go with it but because you know, the head injury or whatever, but, uh, shouts out to, uh, all right.
00:32:25
Speaker
So, so we've got all love, love a sniglet. We've got Santa. How is there not a sniglet app? Sorry, go ahead. we've We've got Santa Claus, who is a German Spaniard...
00:32:38
Speaker
but Think of him like the Superman of the Holiday, right? A sort of iconographic hero of the Holiday who has a tremendous ah job, you know, and and he's got a tremendous job to do ah for the benefit of of all the good people of the world in a single night.
00:32:52
Speaker
Okay. Secret base, like Superman, like Doc Savage, North Pole. um It is staffed by elves who are a little bit more dwarven in their behavior, though elfish in appearance. Like Gimli. Yeah. Yeah, right. Like, Gimli, these are makers. these are these These guys have forges, and they manufacture all of the toys and stuff.
00:33:12
Speaker
um Okay. Now, I believe, and this has never been confirmed, but when you start to really work through the logic of it, there's kind of no other way for this to happen, that there is, in fact... um probably an elaborate network of agreements and associations between Santa and a lot of the manufacturing concerns in the world where um plans are exchanged.
00:33:39
Speaker
So like, Yes, you can get PlayStations from Sony that Sony manufacture at their factories in the world, but also Santa's got to be able to make those too, because let's say Santa brings a PlayStation to a child who really wants a PlayStation. You think Santa's going to fucking go by Best Buy? That's crazy. the Superman wouldn't go, but right? and he is so i you know there's a lot of There's a lot of logistic questions that can only be answered with a kind of... um adult logic ah to to make sense of it all. So, so Santa makes bootleg video games? No, no, no. I think it's, it's all licensed. It's all above board. It's all licensed to the full warranty and and factory recognized.
00:34:21
Speaker
But you know, you remember how comics would have different, like the, the little, the cover boxes would have different shapes to tell you what printer printed it on what side of the Mississippi. Right. There are little secret indicators in the packaging of everything that lets you know if this was manufactured under the auspices of of the the people whose name are on the box or were whether it was a ah licensed production produced at Santa's workshop in the North Pole by his legion of of dwarven elves.
00:34:52
Speaker
So you're saying if you buy a Switch 2... Or if if you get a Switch 2 from Santa and these elves who make his stuff for him, gotta be there's got to be some kind of arrangement between Santa and Nintendo that allows Santa to manufacture Switch 2s at his facility.
00:35:09
Speaker
i got I got a lot of questions about the labor situation with this he seems the elves, the way.
00:35:16
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, i think it's just the reality of capitalism. Who isn't, right? Show me the person that isn't. That's that's the reality of the world we live in now. I don't think you're wrong. And and I think it's a bigger conversation than one about Christmas.
00:35:27
Speaker
um But if you're in the... Listen, also, there's no reason that that you can't... Listen, if you want someone to whittle you a rocking horse, that's what your heart's desire is this holiday season.
00:35:41
Speaker
I'm sure there's whittle and an elf that would get to that. And if you want to make hand make gifts that you give to your friends, cool. But also, you know, maybe your friend needs socks.
00:35:54
Speaker
and Don't make socks. Just buy him socks. Right. And then you wrap it up in this print and in paper, pretty paper and shiny, and there's ribbons and bows. and there It's a mystery, right? Oh, what's in that box?
00:36:06
Speaker
It's supposed to be a tantalizing surprise. And then there's this whole you know kind of great game of like, oh, you can you can wrap a thing and put it in a box and then put that box inside another box and try and fake people out so they can't guess what's inside.
00:36:19
Speaker
you know it's a very ah It's fun. It's good. It's good really heavily based on deception. It boxes. ah We prefer the word magic, but yeah. yeah yeah okay okay Matt, you had some questions? yeah i was First, I was going to say, um that Switch 2 that you buy is still going to say on the package made in Vietnam?
00:36:39
Speaker
yeah Yeah, but that's not where you're going to find this the Santa seal. You have to actually open the Switch 2 up. You remember how they had the um the circuit that was shaped like Mario? Yeah. And then there was the chip on the Switch 1 that had the very first ah golf game ah encoded in the in the in the ROM memory that you could access. It's like that level of like, you got to really, really get granularly into the coding of the machine. and and Or maybe it's a maybe there's a um QR code. i don't I don't have a Switch 2, so I haven't had a chance to crack one open and really get under the hood. But but I guarantee you, all this stuff there, these little...
00:37:16
Speaker
little indicators that will suggest that this was one of the, one of the Santa produced gifts. I mean, even down to like the smell and the bag, the plastic, it's all the same. Like it's, it's clearly sourced like and it's gotta be some kind of exchange of of goods and services, right? There's gotta be some sort of mutually cause it's capitalism, right? Everybody's gotta, you know,
00:37:37
Speaker
get a little something out of it and but but it. But it works, and it's great, and it's legit, and it's, it's's it's you know, the the whole, it's real, it's all great. Oh, fucking this up so bad. I gotta say, i what thing one thing I remember very well, um even even in the moments since the accident, yeah um is pro wrestling, and and i and I really appreciate how how well we're going in and out of kayfabe.
00:38:02
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Look, it's, yeah. You know, Mount Premise is magic, right? It's like Mount Doom. And there's a lot of magic involved, but it's the good version of Mount Doom.
00:38:15
Speaker
Also, I wouldn't have gotten the Gimli thing literally a year ago. If we had done this bit a year ago, and you said, oh, instead of Gladriel, he's like Gimli, I would have had no, I mean, I would have known it was some Lord of the Rings shit, but I would not have gotten what you were saying. And I just want to say one of the miracles of Christmas is that I, of all people, finally get all of the Lord of the Rings references.
00:38:36
Speaker
And not just that recognizing the sounding Lord of the Rings, but like, oh no, I know what that... That's the guy. that's the that's the little that's the That's the dwarf guy with the axe and the the braided beard. Okay, so I like think we've got... John Rhys Davies for reasons.
00:38:51
Speaker
I think we've got... this Santa character down pretty good. He's like a like a Superman... like He's like Superman and Tharanduil as the same person, and he flies to your house and gives you a PlayStation that's not a that's licensed but not made by Sony.
00:39:11
Speaker
So I got i got it. What's up with the tree? um Well... ah You know, it would be, like just to put a to finalize that, just loop but close the loop on Santa, it would be like if Superman and Toy Man were like the same guy.
00:39:30
Speaker
Right? Like if they figured out a way to get along. like if they were yeah Like if Superman didn't, like, oh, I don't you know if um i don't fight for truth, trust is the American way. I make toys for children. Yay, that's my mission.
00:39:41
Speaker
So like if there was a composite Superman, but instead of Superman and Batman with the powers the Legion of Superheroes, it was Superman and Toyman with just the powers of Toyman? Is this what I'm like every Christmas? This is a bummer. I'm really sorry. It's actually really fun to be rejecting all these premises. Oh, boy. oh Well, you know what? Merry Christmas. I'm so happy to, to boy, the taste of my own medicine. That's a very Christmas ah lesson. Yeah.
00:40:06
Speaker
Is it? You know, gifts that ah teach us about not only the nature of our relationships and about the people that we that we love, but about ourselves.
00:40:19
Speaker
Huh. And it's a great time also, because of its proximity to the new year, it's nice to sort of like, it's ah it's a lovely time to sort of take the previous year in ah in in in review and sort of think about who you are and where your what your journey has, where it's brought you and and how to how to to have a wonderful life. I mean, look, I remember very vividly that I fucking hate having my foibles pointed out.
00:40:47
Speaker
Well, I mean, look, it's it's it's it's ah it can always be humbling, but I don't think there's, you know, um I think that's that's that's that's learning, right? It just says so there's ah
Exploring Christmas Origins
00:40:57
Speaker
there's a gift to learning. Learning is a gift that it is lifelong. I thought the PlayStation was the gift. The PlayStation is also the gift.
00:41:04
Speaker
Gifts can take on many forms at Christmas, and there's more than one, again, assuming equitable distribution of of of wealth and resources. ah The tree is because we used to burn druids,
00:41:16
Speaker
Um, kinda, uh, I think the tree started, that was very much a pagan thing. And it was an evergreen specifically because it, it endures the winter, right? It doesn't, doesn't.
00:41:29
Speaker
uh, lose its its it's its, its, its, its by vitality over the winter and evergreens, uh, endure. Um, but then they would also, uh, burn Druids at the stake and burn Pagans at the stake. And that's maybe where the lights come from.
00:41:42
Speaker
It was a very kind of fuck you thing, uh, as the holiday was stolen and repurposed as this kind of, uh, uh, uh, Christian thing. Um, so it's again, um, um yeah Not to get Howard Zinn about it, but, you know, look, it's ah it's a complicated um picture, and I don't want to do a disservice and and and lie about it to you.
00:42:08
Speaker
But a lot of this stuff, like like everything, oogie issues.
00:42:15
Speaker
ogi roots sometimes that we need to acknowledge on our journey to where the thing is is is good and and and pure. But it's a symbol of of enduring the winter.
00:42:27
Speaker
and and unless you're um um Unless you are burned to death. In which case, you do not endure the winter. so yeah you know We don't do that anymore. right this is this is really true well That's good. like If you were like, oh, this is the best thing ever, let's go burn someone death. You remember kayfabe, but not that we don't burn people at the stake.
00:42:47
Speaker
As a matter of, I mean, yet, right? Look, okay you're telling me about Celeborn bringing me Nintendo Switch. No, so no, no. Just because I've seen it doesn't mean I like it.
00:42:58
Speaker
I just want you to know I get it. He's ah he was the very average looking guy. I don't want to hear about you. Kelebrimbor, you fucking... Kelebrimbor is a different guy. He helped forge the rings. That's you. bri bre b bre bre quick Quick sidebar, quick sidebar. What does any of this have to do with the E.M. Forster novel um made into a movie with Anthony Hopkins, Howard's End?
00:43:22
Speaker
um Well, you remember how in Howard's End, ah there's that really famous scene... where he's got his, his journal and it's full of how he feels about ah the Emma Thompson character and Hopkins is, is, is trying to keep it from her. And she's very playfully trying to get it from him. And then you, you see through the course of the scene, all of his emotions, kind of everything he can express, uh, uh, come to the surface.
00:43:52
Speaker
You remember that scene? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. and like The most famous part ah of Howard's end. Yeah. That remains of the day. Shit. I'm just fucking with you. I know who Howard Zinn is. I just i thought it was funny i just thought that was funny. I legitimately thought that I had missed a reference to Howard Zinn and that I had misheard it as Howard Zinn. So thank for asking. I completely fucking missed it and was digging for something that I couldn't find when I realized I was confusing Howard Zinn with Remains of the Day.
00:44:20
Speaker
Cool. So but Matt Wilson. No, no. You know what, Matt? That was really good. You deserve credit for that. And you you you sent up a beautiful, that was a beautiful serve, and I failed you.
00:44:33
Speaker
And I will endeavor to do better in the new year. My gift to you. it's It's cool. We're all muddling through somehow.
00:44:42
Speaker
um so So the tree... It's for burning people. Yeah, the tree's for burning people. But listen, do me a favor. Get up there and smell that bad boy. Okay. yeah Maybe take ah break off a little needle. Maybe rub the needle between your fingertips.
00:44:57
Speaker
You smell that? Yeah, it smells like aluminum. Oh, you guys don't have a real tree here. It's a fake tree. It's a really good fake tree. Is anything what people say it is at this holiday?
00:45:11
Speaker
No, and that's the magic. um It sounds very stressful. I told you that there's songs, right? And there's there's movies? You don't remember any Christmas movies? I i cut i kind of have a vague memory of like an Austin Butler-Sydney Sweeney thing, but I can't really bring it to mind.
00:45:33
Speaker
a That's probably best for God. I remember a winter movie. I remember some winter movies. Like, there's one – remember this one. lord of the Rings. full Yeah, of course, Lord of the Rings. But there's there's this one where it's like um this kid is like at his house and his family is gone for some reason that I don't remember. Die Hard. Yeah.
00:45:56
Speaker
It is kind of like Die Hard. Oh, yeah, that's that movie where that that kid is like, my cousin's going to piss on me. And then it cuts to this child who's like chugging water and like pointing at him. it's It's Pepsi. Like, I'm absolutely going to piss on you.
00:46:13
Speaker
and it's Kieran Culkin. And let watch that as children. i remember that.
00:46:18
Speaker
Anyway, he like horribly like injures these two um men who want to kill him. Yeah. I remember that movie. That's Die Hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah um um Although it's, it's, it's a good.
00:46:33
Speaker
Die Hard is good. Oh my God. I'm so fucked. I'm going to, I'm going to ruin this for you guys forever. Oh my God. um Home Alone. You're talking about Home Alone, um which is about a family that is taking a trip and the family is so big that they somehow forget one of the children who finds himself in Home Alone, as the title goes, burglars try to get in, antics ensue.
00:46:56
Speaker
And then Donald Trump shows up in the sequel. Oof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big drop there. um You know how ah Crank is good and Crank 2 is amazing?
00:47:09
Speaker
Yes. Home Alone is not like that. Oh, okay. Yeah, it sounds like quite the opposite. You know how um Fellowship of the Ring is okay and Two Towers is amazing? I know how Fellowship the Ring is very good in Two Towers. It's amazing.
00:47:22
Speaker
Yeah, it's not that. It's different. Home Alone is different. Home Alone is like Two Towers and then Return to the King. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Come at me, nerds.
00:47:33
Speaker
um I kind of... like I'm having... This can't be right. Fraction, I'm sorry. I know you're trying you're doing your best in trying to explain it, but i I'm really searching my memories, and God, the head will not stop bleeding.
00:47:46
Speaker
oh but like there's like um You'll notice a lot of red and green, right? So like thematically, color-wise, you're on point. You just look deck you look bedecked for the for the hall you look as if someone's decked your deck to your halls.
00:47:59
Speaker
like pun That's a Christmas song. We'll get to that later. oh well i don't I know what those two words mean separately, How do you deck a hall? i think with Like you put like playing cards in the hall? You know how people some people call Wheel of Fortune wheel?
00:48:15
Speaker
I think some people say deck instead of decorate. It's really decorate the halls. i don't know if that's true, but that sounds right. That sounds like what it should be. I just made it up.
00:48:32
Speaker
but's i just Look, then maybe you should be in charge of Christmas. I clearly write, this year I am, and it's really scary for me. I'm trying my best, but it means decorate, right? Okay, well, I kind of remember a movie where wherere like a man like wants to commit suicide, and then then capitalism is bad in the movie, but I guess capitalism is good when it's Santa? Yeah.
00:49:00
Speaker
I can't remember this. Well, no. Well, capitalism is bad in the movie. Socialism is great in the movie. When your community comes together. um it's Right. And that that lady wants to get a divorce, even though she's not married.
00:49:15
Speaker
Lady wants to get a divorce, even though she's not married. She is Mary. That's her name, the character's name, right? No, no, no. Not her, the other lady.
00:49:26
Speaker
Oh. The lady who says she's saving up for... Hang on, I don't remember that. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. No, no, no. That's right. ah She's been saving this money up in case she ever gets a husband. um Yeah, yeah. ah ah That happens, yes. yeah And she even even she gives up her future divorce fund ah to to to help a beloved community member in need.
00:49:47
Speaker
So Christmas is about staying in a bad marriage. Well, for her, maybe, but not for everybody else. Everybody else at the end of that movie, yeah you know they're they're helping somebody out in their moment of of ah of need as capitalism has ah really ah got George Bailey in its in its sights.
00:50:04
Speaker
um and He realizes that he is worth more money dead than alive. It is his is is the the people in his life who love him and celebrate him that that that show him that that that true worth as is worth.
00:50:16
Speaker
isn't money. And if it's just money you need, everybody comes together and, and, and, and bails George out of a jam. And then they, um, then they, they all get drunk and sing songs. And the, the bad guy like learns a lesson. Like he doesn't get the thing that he wanted.
00:50:30
Speaker
Hmm. Unfortunately, the bad guy goes unpunished, but, uh, uh, is that not the way of the world?
00:50:43
Speaker
I mean, I guess it is. i mean it's not always, you know, it's, uh, look. I might have to go take a walk in the snow. Yeah, don't do that. You're bleeding really badly. And I think, I think, I think that's a, that's a bad, you know, It's a Wonderful Life is maybe a little advanced class Christmas.
00:51:00
Speaker
Uh, let's think about some, some holiday classics. How do you guys remember Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? No. Okay. So this is this is getting back to what we were talking about earlier with reindeer. so this I was going to set up the reindeer. Yes. Santa's traditional method of of kind of ah conveyance is a sleigh that flies and is pulled by a team of magical reindeer who can also ah fly. Okay.
00:51:30
Speaker
We could used one of those coming up here instead of a snowmobile and a moose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, clearly this is where we're really getting into the the comic book-y stuff, right, of of of Santa. There's some kind of, you know, um um doesn't – but yes, the myth the myth goes he's got a sleigh that flies and the reindeers pull it. And there's a song – Oh, God, that was probably fucking written for a department store in New York in the 30s, I'm sure.
00:51:58
Speaker
or like Pittsburgh or something. But this is about a reindeer who has a nose that glows. And the other reindeer make fun of him and mock him. And then because you're because he's a an outcast, right? He's got a big glowing nose and everybody thinks he's goofy and he can't be part of the team because they're the flying reindeer, they're big buff dudes, right? i So part of the holiday is making like like making fun of someone for being different?
00:52:23
Speaker
Well, part of this particular story that occurs in and around the holiday has that element in it. But, ah ah look, would you call ah Lord of the Rings a musical because they sing that song?
00:52:37
Speaker
and I might. That's weird. You could call The Hobbit a musical because they sing three fucking songs in that first one. Well, they sing a couple songs. you know They sing the song at the Green Dragon and then... They sing more... They sing... How many...
00:52:52
Speaker
You know how many songs get sung in Die Hard Zero? there's that There's that part where Theoden says, do you sing, Master Hobbit? And then he like he he eats that tomato all nasty. Man, why couldn't this part of your brain get knocked out of your ears by the moose?
00:53:09
Speaker
Buddy, I would love to watch those movies for the first time again. Do you know how happy that would make me? Probably, yeah yeah. Yeah, I wish that too. Here's what i my question. I guess like Christmas is ruined after all.
00:53:25
Speaker
Here's my question about the whole red-nosed reindeer thing. yeah The other reindeer, the reindeer that make fun of him? Yeah. Do you remember Rudy? You ever see Rudy? Yeah, I know Rudy. With Sean Astin from Lord of the Rings? Yeah. Oh, God.
00:53:42
Speaker
i always assumed that Rudy was that because it was kind of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but this it was set on a high school football team. So, so Rudolph had like his nose is red. Cause he's got like asthma.
00:53:53
Speaker
No. Cause they, they rubbed a Ben gay on his butt cheeks. Uh, and he had to sit in the fountain to cool it off. That's what they did to Rudolph. That's, that's enough song for children. No, that's, that's what was, of I was taking your, for instance, another for instance, because that was the only part of Rudy I remember was they put Ben gay on his butt cheeks and he has to sit in a fountain or something or birdbath. Um,
00:54:15
Speaker
Yeah, but they're teasing him because they're big buff you know reindeer guys. they're big you know like i say there's Listen, there's a song called Donner and Blitzen by – how do we even get into that? Okay. ah but they're big gear They're flying super reindeer, and then there's this little kid reindeer with a nose that glows, and they they think, oh, little guy oh a little buddy, you're you're not one of us. but then But that's my point. That's my point. They're already flying reindeer, which is unusual for a reindeer. I would say abominations in the sight of God, personally. but but we
00:54:49
Speaker
What I'm saying is like they they're ah they're ah a real pot kettle situation. like like yeah but there's ten of there's there's There's ten of them, so it's really a numbers game. There's ten?
00:55:01
Speaker
Is it eight? Eight or ten? Ten doesn't sound right for some reason. Well, we're going to say that there's 10. Okay. there's Again, no choice but to believe you. On Cupid, on Comet, on Donner, on Blitzen, Those are some... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer.
00:55:24
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's... i and Maybe it's eight. Okay, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, those sound... Like, you know, whimsical.
00:55:35
Speaker
Yeah. Blitzen? Blitzen. And Donner, presumably named after the Donner party. That's... No, after Superman director Richard Donner. Oh, okay. That's better. You know how like you'll believe a man can fly? Like, oh, I don't can't believe that... or Oh, I believe a reindeer... You see that guy? Do you see that reindeer flying? You're like, i believe a reindeer can fly. So there's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen, I assume Lester.
00:56:00
Speaker
No, ah not officially recognized canonically. Okay. cat is too bad That's really too bad. i mean because Unless you're like finished Superman 2, there's controversy about that.
00:56:13
Speaker
but so And Superman 3, I personally like more than most people. but I think it's the the the best of the series. What? Is that the head injury, or are you legit here?
00:56:25
Speaker
No, i don't I don't care for Superman 2.
00:56:29
Speaker
Okay, but you think Superman 3 is better than Superman the motion picture? Yeah, it's got that scene where ah Richard Pryor skis down the building. Now that's wintry. It's true.
00:56:40
Speaker
It's very wintry. It's very wintry. yeah ah Richard Pryor and I share a birthday. um um It's not December 25th, is it? No, December 1st. it's close. definitely are the corridor.
00:56:58
Speaker
um um Yeah, let's say eight reindeer. I think it's eight. Eight included Rudolph? Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, something I'm forgetting, and Rudolph.
00:57:18
Speaker
Okay, and so they... That's nine. Yeah, and Rudolph is the ninth, because spoilers, Rudolph joins the team because there's a really bad storm. Santa can't see. He needs Rudolph. Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeer love him. And they shout it out with glee, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history.
00:57:37
Speaker
So... But they don't like learn a lesson about accepting him in some way that he is. Yeah, no no, I think they all do. I think they all get schooled by the kid. The the kid that they bullied and made fun of ah saves the day and makes Christmas possible. And then he gets to lead the team. I think i think they're all looking at his butthole once a year. And that's a pretty – that's ah' a very ah professor Dante-esque kind of punishment, right? We made fun of this kid. Now we've got a stare at his butthole.
00:58:01
Speaker
so So Christmas is about but punishment but not for the bad guy in – And It's a Wonderful Life. oh But again, It's a Wonderful Life is a movie that ends at Christmas time, but isn't necessarily a Christmas movie. But because it ends at Christmas time, it gets played a lot during the the season.
00:58:18
Speaker
Okay. and And also, they don't like learn to like They don't really learn that Rudolph has intrinsic value as a i guess a person. I mean, Matt wouldn't think you he was a person, but that's a different conversation.
00:58:32
Speaker
Why wouldn't Matt think he's a... well Matt has a thing where he doesn't think anything that doesn't look like a human being is a person. it's we got with it's I honestly thought we were coming up to the cabin to hash that out, but that's I guess that's for next year. Matt, do you remember this?
00:58:52
Speaker
Yes, it's it's a little grayer than that. but Is it? Is it? You were pretty clear. What is this? Yeah, tell me tell me more.
00:59:04
Speaker
It started with, is a talking sword a person? And I just cannot i cannot accept that. Well, no, it's a talking sword. I follow that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said a person can't be a sword because someone wanted us to to rank the DC Comics character Razor Sharp as a sword. And I said, well, that's not a sword, that's a person.
00:59:24
Speaker
And then I said, but I think a sword, like a person can't be a sword, but I think a sword can be a person. And then all of a sudden Matt was talking about how my dog isn't a person, you know?
00:59:37
Speaker
Well, he just, well, okay, that's tricky. But but then how do we you went from an and you went from a a fictional construct to and a living creature, and and and I can see the... He said, if if if your dog could talk, he said, if your dog could talk, all of a sudden, would you consider your dog a person?
01:00:01
Speaker
And I said, I consider Biscuit to be my biological child right now.
01:00:07
Speaker
And Matt said he would not consider his cat a person, even if Harrison had the level of intelligence and sapience to communicate with human language.
01:00:19
Speaker
but Okay, so I can track that, though, with with with with with ah animals suddenly gaining ah the ability to speak and and communicate. but But how does this then translate into...
01:00:31
Speaker
let's go back to the fictional side of things. And also, how are you defining person? i guess as my question. It's a whole thing. Let's, let's, yeah no, no. I yeah i mean, I, I, I listen, cause we're about to go deep into kind of the many characters as a populate, of various Christmas stories and myths. And if, and if it I have to defend their personhood, that's going to affect how I, uh, continue to get it's going to be pretty fucked up, isn't it?
Christmas Characters and Traditions
01:00:55
Speaker
matt I look, there's, I think there's a disconnect. Well, What finally sort of dawned on me is we had a disconnect between the idea of person meaning a sapient being deserving of rights and respect and person as it is used like in the real world, a human being.
01:01:19
Speaker
He said aliens couldn't be people. i didn I did not say that. i I allowed that Data is a person. And Worf. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Data is a person.
01:01:35
Speaker
There's a whole episode about it. just like it when you guys fight. um ah Everybody does. So they loved that we had this argument on the show last week. I'm sure they're loving it again. yeah but They're also something very, very just specious about about persons are only human beings. Like like if you're defining person as like, that's not a biological thing, but then ah but then data is a person. but you said, but Worf is a person, you said. So aliens can be people.
01:02:05
Speaker
yeah It's very specious. It's very... I know! I buy that a sword isn't a person, because it's a sword. the and The point that I did not make especially well is that there has to be a line ah where you stop defining like objects that gain sapience as people.
01:02:25
Speaker
I said that if a there was a sword that was sapient and... and intelligent that it would count as a person.
01:02:36
Speaker
And I brought up Stormbreaker Elric's sword, because it does, of course, have the demonic presence of the dark god Ariok inside it. and what a demon But would a demon want to be called a person?
01:02:48
Speaker
ah I mean, I guess that's more of a theological discussion, Matt. Is an angel a person? Well, okay, here's the thing. Angels can be saints, which I think is bad.
01:03:00
Speaker
Like Saint Nicholas. Wait, that is he an angel? He's a saint. I'm talking about if you're talking like St. Michael and St. Raphael. Those are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
01:03:11
Speaker
Right, and what they've done for this world is saintly. If you're talking about the Holy Trinity, that's quote-unquote God in three persons, as in like three beings. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman.
01:03:24
Speaker
Correct. um So like, it's how you define the word person is very can vary greatly. ah Like, person can also just mean, like, a body.
01:03:37
Speaker
but So does somebody someone in ah in a coma with with no higher brain function, are they still a person? That's a person. See, this is what we were kind of brushing up against, but we kept it funny.
01:03:50
Speaker
Right. And light. Right. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, hmm. So back to this reindeer. Yeah. So he doesn't have intrinsic worth.
01:04:02
Speaker
No, no. That's not what they learn. he does they do They absolutely learn it. But only because they he like saves their asses. Yes. and it's And it's on them for ah being so arrogant and cocksure that that and overconfident in their abilities and for flying a sleigh that doesn't have headlights, I guess, that ah that ah they get themselves into this jam and the only one who can save them is this this this this little reindeer who is bigger of heart and doesn't carry this grudge and doesn't resent them. for ah He sees that there's a job that do he comes to he comes ah he he He serves the common cause, and he despite ah the the way he was treated poorly, he forgives and and forgets and gets the job done because there are children ah ah that are that are in in in
01:04:54
Speaker
breathless anticipation of Santa's arrival. And he's got a lot of houses to go to, to deliver a lot of presents. And there's no time to waste. He doesn't, and he also doesn't want to see these guys get hurt, get killed. If they make fun of him and they pick on him, like he doesn't want them dead. That's a, that's a, that's, he's not an incel. He's a, he's just got a bright nose. hes just a little guy with with a big nose and the football players are like, you can't play. How would you play football? It doesn't make sense. And then he does it really well and and and it all works out great. Then he's a hero and they declare he will go down in history.
01:05:20
Speaker
You keep talking about football. These reindeer play football. and They play reindeer games. I've always just assumed football, ah but but i you can go to whatever game. I mean, whatever game you like. you know there's there's But they famously excluded Rudolph from joining in their reindeer games. I don't really i confess don't really know what games reindeer play. um Not as a matter of not recognizing their personhood. That's just my own um um lack of understanding of of reindeer, or even why reindeer, of all the things. um Because it's not like those parts of the world didn't have...
01:05:54
Speaker
mythic creatures that could fly like a griffin. Doesn't Santa have like a griffin? You'd think he'd have like a bird. Right. Also, hey, you know what? Speaking of birds, why didn't they fucking take the birds to Mount Doom?
01:06:04
Speaker
Why did they have to take the whole fucking walk if the birds could get out of there? This is one of those why does Superman wear his underwear on the outside of his pants? he wear's them and Because ah why he wants to present himself as a as a like a character, as an archetype visually that children will not find terrifying because he is in fact like unto ah an alien god. He's not the boss of the birds.
01:06:29
Speaker
He's not the boss of the eagles. Yeah, he clearly is. He calls them to give his friends a ride home like they're fucking older. asks for our favor. of Yeah, why and but the favor is after the favor is after we've saved the world.
01:06:42
Speaker
Why not ask for the favor to save the world? If you put the one ring on one of those eagles, Sorum would have laser blasted them out of existence. Oh, does Thorin have lasers? So there's lasers in Lord of the Rings? is that I don't think there's lasers in Lord of the Rings. i don't There's all kinds of shit in Lord of the Rings. I don't think that was light amplified by simulated emissions of radiation. I don't think that was a laser. Which of us has read the books?
01:07:05
Speaker
Not me. Are there lasers in Lord of the Rings? why don't Why don't you stick to Christmas? help the rings Good day, sir.
01:07:18
Speaker
ah you might call them ah You might call them blasts instead of lasers. Concussive force blasts. yeah Yeah. alter what the eat um Well, okay.
01:07:30
Speaker
All right. I'm just saying. And I didn't mean to be that guy, but boy, did that leap out at me the second it happened. It's said to a lot of people, and it is one of those questions that you always hear, like, well why don't they just kick Chucky? But also, oh yeah, sure, why don't they just run up the stairs to get away from the Daleks? um are are you goingnna Are you going to write that story where Batman buys crime?
01:07:50
Speaker
Where he buys crime? Yeah, where he like you know where where he he just gives people all of his money and stops all crime, and then there's no more Batman comics like people want? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
01:08:03
Speaker
Oh, well, there you go, then. Because it wouldn't work. um um And nor would the Eagles. Or would it be a good comic? Also, Eagles don't get that big. um They're giant! Okay, you know what? I don't like Christmas. That's what I'm coming down on.
01:08:19
Speaker
Boy, I'm blowing it. Oh, my God. You know what? It's...
01:08:24
Speaker
Okay, let let let let's put a a quick pin in Christmas sidebar. I genuinely, because my son asked, went into the films open-hearted.
01:08:34
Speaker
I thought Sam was great. I loved Sam from beginning to end. I was like, that's my fucking guy. As as cool as as the other characters were in his cool moments, Sam was always my dude. And and i i thought that was terrific. I think The Two Towers is genuinely spectacular. I understand a lot of the criticisms people had about a Game of Thrones now that I've seen ah Lord of the Rings.
01:08:59
Speaker
um um But also, the the the last movie really, and I can't believe I'm saying this, needed to be an hour longer. Because it just after it's so hard to top two towers that they then have to top two towers twice in one movie, and they don't do it. So there's ah there's ah there's ah it's it's strange that Return of the King was the one that that won the awards. I think that second one is really genuinely spectacular and and thrilling. And we watched the extended editions, too.
01:09:27
Speaker
So I can't imagine if I was like, wait, I needed to know more. I can't imagine what the the normal cuts were. But i I enjoyed the experience. I loved that I got to go through it with my son and watch him enjoy it. And i did not yuck his yum a single once.
01:09:43
Speaker
But then afterwards, the more we talked about it and it sort of felt safe to do, then I started like, wait a second, why did that happen or whatever? i had I had thoughts. I had problems. That's all. That's it. well look Now you're talking. Now you want the world to know, like, hey, I get it.
01:09:56
Speaker
I get it. I see it now. It is not for me, but I fucking get it. And and and Two Towers fucking rips in any any court of the land. And, um um you know, I genuinely...
01:10:09
Speaker
ah my my my My heart maybe didn't grow two sizes that day, but it i didn i really it was it was it was ah it was a really fun thing that that the me and my me my my son did last year. Okay, I'm feeling better now.
01:10:22
Speaker
I just, look, because this is the thing, like Christmas is, you know, you were joking you know earlier about like, oh, your foibles or whatever, but like, look, Christmas, is you can learn things about yourself. You can grow, you can change, right? You can, the magic of the season beyond like, Hey, we get stuff and cookies. there's a lot of cookies involved. There's a lot of cookies involved in the holiday.
01:10:41
Speaker
Uh, is, is, is yeah we can grow, we can change, we can endure, we can survive this dark, darkest night and, uh, and, and, and, and come through, um, the winter better and, and stronger and more, um, um human, I don't know, better.
01:10:57
Speaker
it's It's magic. it's good It's cool for that. it's and and and with the cookies and the songs and and the reindeer games, and it all ties together beautifully in a way that I'm really struggling to articulate.
01:11:09
Speaker
um There's cookies. We talked about cookies. a lot that's food Food is a big thing, right? There's a lot of food. I think that's why you brought all those pies, Matt, right? Because ah desserts and sweets and treats and feasts are big you know at this time of year.
01:11:24
Speaker
I don't totally remember, but I know they were celebratory. I remember they were celebratory pies. That's why put leaves on them. That's why I made leaves out of crust.
01:11:34
Speaker
right And put and put it on the put it on the pies. Yeah, it's it's ah it's ah it's a big it's a big holiday. It's a good holiday for food. And I know what you're thinking. Well, didn't we just have Thanksgiving? Yes.
01:11:47
Speaker
Okay, so you said there were other Christmas guys besides Santa and this bullied reindeer? Other Christmas guys. Yeah, well, you know, there's there's the elves. There's there's there's sort of um characters of the season.
01:12:03
Speaker
There's a snowman. There's a magical, sentient snowman that Matt wouldn't recognize as a person named Frosty. Yeah. and, uh, he hates cops. So that's pretty cool. oh that is pretty cool.
01:12:15
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, there's, there's, there's, Oh, there's the evil Parson Brown who trolls the snowy hillsides inquiring as to people's marital status. Um, um, personal he's, yeah no, it's weird. It's weird, but you know, he gets vanquished.
01:12:28
Speaker
Um, um, yeah, yeah. Shit. What else is Christmas? Fuck. Uh,
01:12:38
Speaker
you said You said Dickens was Christmassy. Yeah, right. so So a lot of the way we celebrate Christmas now kind of came from this Dickens story, A Christmas Carol. ah In fact, ah Christmas wasn't ah before before Dickens, before Christmas Carol, Christmas wasn't ah wasn't ah wasn't like a holiday that people took off, right? It wasn't a ah kind of a yeah a celebratory thing. um Also, because Christmas Carol is like a ghost story. There's a lot of ghost stories at Christmas. It's a very British thing, I think.
01:13:12
Speaker
But that happens a lot. and In fact, the BBC for years made specials called A Ghost Story for Christmas. so so Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm i'm getting in the weeds again. go ahead. so we We just had Thanksgiving and it' there's a lot of food. Yeah. And then two months ago we had Halloween and and we're doing ghosts again.
01:13:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like a birthday. And it's like a birthday, and it's like a celebration. so It's kind of an omnibus holiday, you know? It's like every holiday in one. so where So there are so they're probably going to be flags. It's like the composite holiday. It's like a Voltron holiday, um you know, where all of these really cool things on their own come together to make something really, really super cool.
01:13:57
Speaker
It's the devastator of of of holidays.
01:14:02
Speaker
Yeah, right. pulled out Devastator. her All right. All right. now i'm I'm getting it. That I'm getting. Yeah. Yeah. um Yeah. So Dickens wrote this thing, Christmas Carol, where there's this bad, again, capitalist bad guy who's ah really mean to his employees.
01:14:18
Speaker
And ah ah he's visited ah by three ghosts um that show him the sort of – who he was in the past, ah the the the the cruel and cold ah path he had taken and what it means to people in his present life. And then, ah most terrifyingly, he gets a glimpse of his future.
01:14:42
Speaker
um where he sees what the world is like after he's he's gone. um And ah ah he is so devastated by his um by seeing the joyful, a bountiful person he was becoming the the miserly, cruel man he is, who is ah celebrated for being dead and gone and not missed or or lamented at all.
01:15:05
Speaker
And who who left the world a ah colder, crueler place for his actions that he ah changes his behavior. And Tiny Tim, who did not die, ah puts a bell on it, hangs a bell on it at the end, as it as it were, hangs a hat, a lantern on it. And it's great. It's a classic kind of story. But a lot of the things...
01:15:26
Speaker
in A Christmas Carol became things that people did in the way that like a lot of mob slang actually came out of stuff Mario Puzo made up in The Godfather. that nobody said half the things that get said in The Godfather, but after The Godfather, mobsters started to say it um as though it were real.
01:15:47
Speaker
So they all like got together and read the book like in book clubs? This isn't even an amnesia thing. I just don't know this. Yeah, they they did yeah and they did and and the movie was huge. but yeah no it really There's even more of it in the book, but like things like the expression, hit the mattresses, was a Mario Puzo invention.
01:16:04
Speaker
um um And a lot of the, like I believe, the like ah the capos and the the capo regimes and shit like that, like, who's are just made up. um But then the mob adopted it as though it were, in fact, what they had always done.
01:16:19
Speaker
So this Charles Dickens guy was in the mob? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But it was a Victorian England mob of um guys who have many children and a few mistresses and ignore them all.
01:16:32
Speaker
Oh, okay. So you wrote this story, A Christmas Carol, ah to get out of debt, and it became much beloved, and and a lot of our Christmas rituals and traditions ah kind of were first sourced there, um um as they had been sort of transmutated through through centuries ah from sort of Saturnalia celebrations.
01:16:53
Speaker
so So you said Carol sees her past and and future. His name is Scrooge, and it's Carol like a song, C-A-R-O-L, rather than a woman's name.
01:17:05
Speaker
Carol means song? Yeah. Is that a thing people call songs a lot? Because I don't recall hearing it. Usually just at Christmas, I think.
01:17:15
Speaker
Oh, weird. um So... so Scrooge, she sees her past and present and future. Yeah, Carol carol Scrooge is a powerful businesswoman in Victorian England.
01:17:26
Speaker
Right. She used to be awesome. She fell too hard on her grind. She's too much of a girl boss. She became all but all boss and no girl, if that makes sense. Pluribus is based on this.
01:17:41
Speaker
um It might be. You know what? We'll have to see where the season finale goes, but it could could very well be. But yeah, so Carol from Pluribus, right. yeah It's that sort of vibe of like, ah you know, she ah she used to be a real one and now is ah just a bummer.
01:17:58
Speaker
um And then learns the errors of their ways by seeing ah through supernatural means um the effects their actions have on people in a negative way. right ah It's sort of the opposite of um if's It's a Wonderful Life where George Bailey is given the gift of seeing all of the good things he does in the world um and and and how sad the world would be without his presence in it.
01:18:22
Speaker
um I mean, it kind of just sounds like Charles Dickens hated to see a girl boss winning.
01:18:29
Speaker
You know, um I think it's certainly ah um not making excuses, but yeah, I think it was like certainly reflective of the times. Right. um But yeah, well, but again, I think it's a, it's a, it's a story about, ah about,
01:18:47
Speaker
both the girl and the boss being in harmony, you know, uh, her, her humors got all out of whack, right? She had more boss and not, not so much girl. and And the story, she gets it back together, gets it back kind of in balance. Um, also by the way, right now, um, minimum wage is just a little more than half of what Scrooge's impoverished, uh, employee made, um in in in adjusted for inflation in in victorian times christmas sounds a little depressing honestly okay so so so just just just so i get just so i can get this straight just so i can get this straightened out yeah christmas is a holiday where um the guy who brings presents to everybody um works with multinational corporations to manufacture their products um to bring those to children uh
01:19:34
Speaker
But also the basis for the whole thing is a story about how a girl boss girl boss too hard and she had to pull it back and get off her grind. but ah the Sort of the shape of the celebration was was informed by that by that story.
01:19:48
Speaker
um Also, it's Jesus' birthday. Okay. I feel like you could have led with that. Here's the thing. and so there's a birthday. So there it's so ah so it is it is somebody's birthday. now did it's how Yeah, it's many people's birthday. Now, did did the the the Lord, the the Son of Man, did he also only get like one present instead of two? No, he got he got technically four presents.
01:20:14
Speaker
Gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a kick-ass drum solo. give somebody but like you you can just like play the drums for somebody? like if you don't have if if if If that is what you have to bring to give the gift, that's what you bring.
01:20:29
Speaker
i don't have a gift, but all all I can do is play the drums. and What mother who has just delivered a baby in a fucking manger doesn't want to hear a drum solo? okay this is This is all new to me. I'm familiar with Jesus Christ, obviously. um but the The first I remember hearing of him is when he was 12 years old when he he left the temple and his parents had to come find him um I just remember when that bird came down
The Joy of Giving vs. Receiving
01:20:58
Speaker
that's right and that's that's return of the king and that's Easter is when the king returns okay okay not Christmas but ah but you're saying that there's a ah bigger story involving his birth id like i don't i I sure
01:21:13
Speaker
don't recall any of this yeah Yeah, but really but it was it was really about usurping the the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, and they just planted the flag there. And nobody knows when when when Jesus was actually born, but it was decided by the church that it was December 25th, and not the 21st, for reasons. I don't know.
01:21:36
Speaker
And there are people who, yeah, it's so there's a big Judeo-Christian well christianian aspect to it. The Judeo thing is a different thing altogether. How do you guys you guys remember Hanukkah? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah we we talked about that earlier. Remember Hanukkah and also Hanukkah. And the Hanukkah days. um Then the celebrations. ah okay Right, Toyotathon.
01:21:57
Speaker
yeah Yeah, so this is this is like the Christian Hanukkah, but they they crush it down to one day and night. In Canada, they have a thing. In Canada and England, there's Boxing Day, which is the day after Christmas.
01:22:08
Speaker
When I was a kid, I thought that was the day that you just looked at all the boxes of stuff that you got and think, man, did I get a lot of stuff. I would definitely – if I heard just sight unseen, out of context, Boxing Day, I'm assuming – You're thinking punch out. We're doing some punch out. yeah no it's it's ah it's ah it's ah it's a bad day for Glassjaw Joe. ah glass chawjo um and it's That's got to be a Little Mac's birthday, right?
01:22:34
Speaker
December 26th, yes. yeah you Canonically, out that is little Little Mac is born December 26th, yes. And I bet he, too, ah tends to get a lot of one-for-two presents, and that's a bummer. Maybe that's where the the roots of his insatiable ah violence comes from.
01:22:48
Speaker
The rage in Mac that allows him to defeat Mike Tyson and nineteen in 1988. I don't want to go backwards too much, but I'm going to. Because I have another question about Carol.
01:23:02
Speaker
okay What did she see in the future that was so bad that she decided to change her ways? oh Well, ah because she only paid Bob Cratchit a little more than minimum wage times two.
01:23:17
Speaker
Bob Cratchit, her employee's son, Tim, died Scrooge was ah like ah like a rapacious capitalist who ah acquired... ah capital and did not distribute it and hoarded ah wealth in a miserly way that that made many people ah miserable. And um he was so focused on, ah she was so focused on her grind that ah that she neglected the people who loved her and who she loved and um really just became all about that grindset mindset. You know, ah her network was her net worth and it turned out her network was zero.
01:23:53
Speaker
because she had um not ah fostered those relationships with what they need, which is not ah money and and and power and success, but but love and the time we spend with one another and and the way we we can, again, come together for the for common cause and the collective good to endure the the darkest night of the year. So I i do i i do think i see um I'm seeing a common thread here between everything. Yeah.
01:24:18
Speaker
ah where, where like, it's all about whatever, whatever we're talking about, we're talking about Santa Claus. We're talking about Rudolph. We're talking about Carol. We're talking about Jesus. You guys like presents, right?
01:24:29
Speaker
You guys yeah like presents, right? Like that, that, and the presents then, and like, like we were, we're all old enough now. It's, you know, when you're a kid, it's tough to understand that you could ever enjoy giving a gift, anything like how, how receiving a gift feels. But that's the other thing too, is like,
01:24:45
Speaker
giving people that you love stuff uh giving them things that they want or things that you've made um um things that that little things that they mention ah wistfully ah having ah a longing for that that that you bring that they would never allow themselves the the the joy of having like there's's that that's a big part of it is like uh um you know gift giving and is is is and and receiving is is is ah is is a thing it it It seems like the the that's ah that's a part of it, the giving and receiving, and and then they also the gathering.
01:25:18
Speaker
The gathering is a big thing. Yeah, yeah. yeah um now That's a really sad Christmas movie, and don't watch it. we're we're already having if If it's a wonderful life, is to like avoid the gathering. It's it's beautiful and sad.
01:25:31
Speaker
But it's a really a tough watch if you're if you're Christmas amnesic. this ta offp Hang on, hang on, hang on. I was going to say, Christmas sounds a lot like the gathering of the Juggalos, where people come together for common ah for a common interest and and in ah in a gathering of love.
01:25:52
Speaker
And they exchange things, you know be they presents or fluids. and yeah yeah and In fact, there's the Juggalo Christmas record. Oh, I bet that's good. You're kidding. It's called Holiday Heat. And in fact, we all listened together one Christmas and talked about it.
01:26:10
Speaker
Oh, I bet that's actually really nice and fun. Yeah. you bet it's I bet it's a there's a lot of good sentiments on that record. about Some juggalos take their panties off and decorate their Christmas trees with them. we just that sounds So it's a sexy holiday. If you're a juggalo.
01:26:29
Speaker
I mean, obviously we are. Or Eartha Kitt. Or ah Michael Jackson? No, that's not really... so i don't know. Michael Jackson isn't really enjoying seeing Mommy kiss Santa Claus, is he?
01:26:42
Speaker
I'm sorry? There's a song called I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. is that Is that like a transaction where like he brings you presents, but your mom has to perform?
01:26:54
Speaker
Well, you know, no. Although that was the that the trigger that the made the Christmas killer and in um ah Silent Night? What is that called? Silent Night, Deadly Night.
01:27:08
Speaker
No, no, no. That's a different one. Is it Black Christmas? No, Black Christmas is is a different one. Great movies all. Matt, how do you remember these? Oh, I don't. ah I don't.
01:27:21
Speaker
these are These titles, have these titles in my head, but i don't ah that's why I don't remember ah what the trigger was. these are but They're both horror movies. He remembers them as horror movies. Yeah, I remember, I know every horror movie I've ever seen. but Yes, that's true.
01:27:33
Speaker
um um um But that, like, if you remember Black Christmas, that's where, you know, all the girls are going to go home for the holiday, and that's that's that's the gathering part, right? And all the sweaters and the fireplace and the cozy and the warm and the John Saxon of it all, that's all about, ah you know, it's it's Christmas time, and it's time to go home for break, right? That's the kids from, ah kids get out of school. My kids' last day of school is today. They get, like, three weeks off now, which is awesome. um College kids come home. you know, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a time that families gather, um, which is, which is what's happening in, in black Christmas. Um, but traditionally, you know, there's a song called white Christmas.
01:28:07
Speaker
Um, um, that's about, you know, the kind of, I don't know about that, uh, because of snow, right. Oh, okay. And and they're kind of, um, uh, it would, it would be really bad if, if the phrase white Christmas was associated with racism in any way.
01:28:24
Speaker
Sure. Sure. And, um, you know, look, I'm, You're right.
01:28:33
Speaker
and Matt, you're right. Yeah, there's a full stop. Yes, it would be. And there's nothing I can say to add anything to that sentiment. So what happens in these movies? What happens in these movies? You're talking about Santa's sleigh, or not Santa's sleigh because you didn't mention that one, so I don't know what that is. Black Christmas and Silent Night, Diddly Night. What happens in those movies? Let me just...
01:29:01
Speaker
Let me just pull a ah ah totally hypothetical title that might be the one where the kid saw the guy dressed as Santa and his mom, Christmas Evil. Christmas Evil, thank you. That's it. yeahp that's it Yeah, Christmas Evil. um But here's the thing. in In the song, it's a child singing, oh, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
01:29:19
Speaker
ah The gag being that it's daddy who is dressed up like Santa Claus. And I mean the child's father, not the woman's sexual... Daddy. so wait is He could be a sex daddy, i don't know. But really, it's, oh, Daddy dressed as Santa Claus to to bring the presents. And the kid thinks, oh my god, I saw Mom kissing Santa. But for some reason, Dad dressed up as Santa while they were... Is this a performance for the kids' benefit? Like, are they putting on like a little show?
01:29:44
Speaker
You know, look, ah the Jackson household sounds like it was really fucked up. I don't know. But I don't think they wrote the song. I don't think they wrote that song. um I think it's really just a... a ah ah The joy of a child... ah seeing a thing and and um and not having the full story. Again, the deception of children is a somehow a thing that we all convinced ourselves. Yeah, so you're you're kind of making fun of this kid for being dumb when you sing the song. Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
01:30:10
Speaker
Yeah, he's so dumb he doesn't, yeah, yeah. he's he's He's being cucked by his own parents. That's a rough one, buddy. gotta say, this this is a rough one, bud. Yeah, no, look, I mean, it's not great. it's not great. I think it can, every thing, but yeah, sure. Sure. But, um, uh, but there's a song called baby. It's cold outside that has been sort of, um,
01:30:45
Speaker
famously ah bashed as being ah in a bad faith argument in the way that I was you know discussing certain Lord of the Rings things ah where it sounds like... yeah I remember that song. That's just a winner's song.
01:31:04
Speaker
Yes, so you remember it. ah yeah And you and you you can hear that it is mutually flirty on the part of both ah the singers of the song, and it's not really a ah guy trying to incapacitate a woman with alcohol to take advantage of her during a blizzard.
01:31:21
Speaker
But there are bad faith interpret bad faith readings and ways to to look at the unsavory things and magnify them in ah in a way that is a contra the the spirit with which they were they were created.
01:31:34
Speaker
you know Like me talking about Lord of the Rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which i I think you may have talked about Miss Gold outside on this very show. Oh yeah, that are a thousand percent. A thousand percent. yeah um And as the one word argue, well, why doesn't Batman give all of his money away and end crime? Right, that's a bad faith argument, right? um um But you remember Batman.
01:31:59
Speaker
I absolutely remember Batman. Okay, how am I how i how i doing? With Batman? Yeah. Yeah, great. Okay, thanks. Okay. Yeah, so far so good. that the The secret 13th gear got me. Man, I told you that. Alright, thank you. Alright, okay, good.
01:32:14
Speaker
Alright. Loving how much he's fighting cops. Yeah. Yeah, it's funny. I've you know but i've but been writing it, it'll be two years in April that I started to write. I started to write, I was writing about Portland in 2020, but I started to write this you know during the Biden administration. and now ah But I was writing about what happened to Portland in 2020, and now it's it's happening everywhere, and it feels like I'm trying to be a Yeah, yeah it's it's it's upsettingly relevant. relevant relevant relevant oh Chris, your head injury. but I'm bleeding so much. now now know it is people you know The Revenant is another it was a sort of winter song of its of its of its own, but it is not a Christmas film, traditionally. it just hey i I remember that, too. i remember that too right ice The Ice Storm happens in the snow, not a Christmas movie.
01:33:00
Speaker
Really don't want to watch The Ice Storm. The Thing also happens at the South Pole. ah Not a Christmas movie, even though there's a lot of colorful lights in it. And surprises.
01:33:13
Speaker
Not a Christmas film. Sounds pretty Christmassy, based on the fire. Yeah, yeah but but it's... it People kind of gather and come together. Well, they're trapped together. you know It's not really a gathering. Nobody would be there. If they had if they had their they're druthers, they wouldn't be there.
01:33:29
Speaker
everybody Everybody's trying to be good under the watchful eye. Alfred Brimley's there. He's kind of a bearded man who lives at a pole. there is a beard It is a bearded man. Yeah.
01:33:40
Speaker
Yeah. Maybe it is a Christmas movie. Oh, Kurt Russell gives everybody blood tests. Is it kind of a gift giving? Yeah. maybe Maybe the thing is a Christmas movie. You know, this is weird because I feel like there's, we don't remember these things, but there's probably like not a lot of debate over what is and isn't a Christmas movie.
01:33:59
Speaker
You know, that would just be kind of like, you know, people love to argue. What's a person? What's a Christmas movie? Lord of the Rings. It's just bickering. It's sometimes it it's something that, the yeah, people sometimes get way too, way too into. But it's it's part of the fun is driving people crazy with this, making these arguments.
01:34:17
Speaker
All right. Well, Fraction, we've been talking about this for a while. Because Die Hard is entirely directed.
Misconceptions and T-Pain Christmas
01:34:22
Speaker
It wouldn't happen if it wasn't Christmas. So it's a Christmas movie. John McClane would not be in Los Angeles if it was not Christmas time. Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Right.
01:34:33
Speaker
I'm feeling very lightheaded. So I think... I hate to say it, but I don't really remember Christmas, and I don't know if I like it the way you've been describing it. And I hate to be a ah carol about it, you know?
01:34:51
Speaker
you hate to be a real mad fraction about this whole thing. Yeah, I get it. I get it. well i get it know I really get it now. Boy, it's my lesson learned. Talk about a Christmas carol. is there like Is there anything else that you could tell us to kind of remind us what this thing is?
01:35:07
Speaker
i I could, or do you want to wrap up? I don't know. Matt, you got to edit this. ah I don't know that I'll be doing that much. and Oh, shit. Okay. Well, yeah, I can skip Krampus, although you guys would really love Krampus.
01:35:29
Speaker
You know what? Maybe, maybe. it will give us the clue. Oh, he's like the anti-Santa. He's like the, he's like the bizarro Santa and he punishes. He's like the, it's, it's very, it's very metal. It's very metal.
01:35:41
Speaker
Hang on. I thought Santa already punished kids who were bad. He really more just neglects them. Oh, okay. Krampus is the... yeah this This is a family holiday. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah it's it's it's It's neglect and eating and ah ah ah um emotional.
01:35:59
Speaker
iage Here's the thing. Having conflicted feelings about your mom? just here's yeah Watching your parents rail each other while one of them is in costume. Listen, it yeah I'm... i'm i'm but you guys are such Christmas fiends in the best way. And, and I'm just woefully ine ill-equipped ah to, to, to do this. Maybe the I think the only, it's kind of a Hail Mary because I could keep fumbling through shit. I half remember or don't understand or that don't really hold up to the scrutiny of logic or or decency or, or, or, or ethical, moral,
01:36:40
Speaker
you know, there's a lot of contradictory message. I can't deny any of that. Maybe the only thing left is, is to to kind of like pantomime, like, let me show you what Christmas is like, right? When, when someone ah visits you, like me visiting you here, all of us joining in this place with this, the decorations and the, and the lights and the, the smells, it smells good. And the, the stuff and like like I brought you guys presents. Check out these presents. Maybe this will help.
01:37:08
Speaker
I don't know. If if nothing else, i'll i'll I'll give you these these things and I'll get the hell out of here and and we'll we'll let youll you know go get your heads looked at or something. but but this is my last and My last shot is is is is to i you know check out these gifts I got you. all right do yeah i do like presents. We can unwrap these. yeah okay let's Let's open these up.
01:37:29
Speaker
Yeah.
01:37:33
Speaker
No, I've been wrapping presents. I turned 50 this year. I've been wrapping presents since I was five years old. I have not gotten any better. I apologize for that. I remain a five-year-old gift wrapper.
01:37:47
Speaker
is Is this a T-Pain microphone? Chris Sims, even better. It's two T-Pain microphones. One for you and one for Matt. I got one, too. It's it's it's a T-Pain microphone. it's It says, I am T-Pain, registered trademark.
01:38:03
Speaker
Now, do you remember what T-Pain stands for, what it's short for? i do i do i do. Now, okay, i I totally forgot about Christmas, but I do remember what the T in T-Pain stands for, which is Tallahassee.
01:38:20
Speaker
Tallahassee Paine. Yeah, he's from Tallahassee, and but he didn't like it there. So that's why his name is T-Pain. Is it that he didn't like it there, or that he just went through some hard times there? He had some hard times in Tallahassee, yeah. who um who Who among us hasn't had hard times in Tallahassee? There's a whole Mountain Goats record about it.
01:38:39
Speaker
That's true. but that's That's a combination I want to see on tour. T-Pain and in the Mountain Goats? T-Pain and the Mountain Goats? Yeah, you know...
01:38:50
Speaker
if this doesn't work, uh, send me the, you know, send yeah ill i can take the mics away and I'll, I'll send them to JD and we'll see if we can get him, get, get some T-Pain effect on the next. and't i don't know. it's It's Christmas is a time for miracles.
01:39:03
Speaker
Um, uh, uh, and, and, and songs. So, um, what if you guys, I'll get my T-Pain mic and you guys get your T-Pain mics and we'll turn our T-Pain mics on and i'll start singing the song.
01:39:18
Speaker
And if the you guys just, you know, kind of just play pretend go with it, right? Yes. Yes. And fake it till you make it. And let's see if maybe just the act of the muscle memory of, of singing a Christmas carol, as it were. It is kind of sparking something in my memory. Like I'm, I'm feeling kind of like just a little bit. Wow. I'm feeling.
01:39:38
Speaker
What?
01:39:43
Speaker
wow i'm feeling
01:39:47
Speaker
what I think I remember. i i think I wrote remember about Christmas. Wow. It might be a T-Pain Christmas miracle. what ah what What Christmas song should we sing that I can't remember? We said we were going to sing, but we didn't, because that would break the premise.
01:40:05
Speaker
Right, right, right. Oh, it's very Christian, that one. oh it's very christian that one okay Uh, we could, we could always sing.
01:40:17
Speaker
christmas sweet so boy Oh no. That's, that's, that's, that's, you really, you remember that? That's good. How did I not leave with Darlene Love? I just should have played the Darlene Love song.
01:40:30
Speaker
This could have, this whole podcast could have been three minutes and 40 seconds. Oh, if only I had, if only I had done that. Okay. Uh, All right.
01:40:42
Speaker
Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Let's sing this, you guys. And ah T-Pain mics, activate. And here we go. don't remember the words.
01:41:12
Speaker
Which is represented by a row of gifts. Oh,
01:41:28
Speaker
which is represented by a row of gifts
01:41:45
Speaker
That was beautiful. I remember. I remember Christmas. oh I'm going to go out and buy the biggest goose. Merry Christmas, you old building and love.
01:41:57
Speaker
Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter. Merry Christmas, Matt Fraction. Merry Christmas, Chris Sims. Merry Christmas, Matt Wilson. Merry Christmas, Matt Fraction. Merry Christmas, kiss Chris Sims. Merry Christmas, Matt Wilson.
01:42:10
Speaker
It's Christmas.
01:42:14
Speaker
you did a You did not do a good job of explaining it. No, I know. know. God bless us, every everyone. Do you think anyone is currently listening?
01:42:30
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like they maybe were bailed out as soon as the soon as the song started. Oh, no, i think that I don't think anyone made it to the song. Yeah, yeah. I think Matt Wilson is the only person going to hear this again.
01:42:44
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know if we're going to get the old ah the old, oh, I listen to this one every year to get in the spirit. yeah yeah it's no Yeah, I'm sorry. and yeah I tried. i tried oh Well, Fraction, thank you. Oh, my head injury miraculously has stopped bleeding as well. It is a Christmas miracle.
01:43:04
Speaker
what what How should I have done it? What did I miss? what did i get How did I get this so wrong? How did I get so help? what it how should i have In case this ever happens again. i i do feel like the extended discussion of Santa Claus licensing the Nintendo Switch.
01:43:20
Speaker
manufacturing maybe maybe didn't get us in the right mood. It was in the weeds a little bit, but you know I enjoyed it. yeah I think I should have definitely treated you like two grown men with with profound traumatic brain injuries. You probably should have taken us to the hospital. and been like just I should have gone in straight for children. I should have treated to you like young children and explained it to you through the through the lens of of of that.
01:43:48
Speaker
o But but i you know it was it was a thing, too, like with flick like when mike when your son asks you at Disney World to tell him the truth about Santa right here and now, like i you know i I always have have have have led with honesty when it's always, not always, but oftentimes has has has made some make things a little more difficult. You also mentioned murder a lot.
01:44:09
Speaker
Did i Yeah. It is it is a surprisingly common thread in in Christmas stories. I would have waited until our memories came back a little bit for that one.
01:44:20
Speaker
But hey, it all worked out. It all worked out. Yeah. But they did burn druids and pagans at the stake, and that's what the Christmas tree is like a like a shitty, you know... You could have just said it's nice to have a plant inside with lights on it.
01:44:35
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. I know. But Look, I don't want to litigate was right and wrong. No, no, no. Look, we eventually remembered the magic of T-Pain saved us.
01:44:47
Speaker
Last night a T-Pain saved my life. Sugar bear. i we We noticed this before we started recording, but I do want to say it on the show. There are two buttons on the T-Pain microphone, um one of which says T-Pain effect, which is the button that does the T-Pain Effect. The auto-tuning. And then there's another one with T-Pain's face that does something totally different, which is there are pre-programmed beats that sound like this.
01:45:20
Speaker
And this is what the T-Pain button does. Just...
01:45:29
Speaker
It just switches up the beat a little bit. yeah so So this is our our extended product review and unboxing of the T-Pain microphone. Which is a 15-year-old product, think.
01:45:42
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I i have... ah It took me... um It took me a while to source two T-Pain mics that were still operational. We... No, we're just a totally breaking kayfabe. But, like, whenever...
01:45:59
Speaker
when Whenever I pitched this idea, it was early in the fucking year. was like in April, and I loved that. Yeah, but it it really took me from April until like November to get to... that were not insanely expensive, but like to to to actually get to operational T-Pain mics. with slow with to to I get to turn that eBay alert off now. I'm very excited.
01:46:23
Speaker
Well, Matt, we thank you for your effort, and we thank you for Coming and explaining Christmas to us. Yes. you You also have a gift on the way from us that I don't believe has arrived yet, but you'll you'll know it's from us when you get it.
01:46:36
Speaker
Oh, that's sweet and and and wholly unnecessary. Thank you. Thank you, fellas. ah ah Genuinely, this is this is this is the beginning of my of my real holiday break every every year, and I always look forward to it. And, um ah you know, there's a little auxiliary microphone jack. You can plug it into a speaker so you can make your T-Pain mic even louder.
01:46:55
Speaker
Yeah, I see that. Line in Yeah, and and they even sold ah speakers, T-Pain branded T-Pain mic speakers, for this exact purpose. They are also available on eBay.
01:47:06
Speaker
but ah But if got a speaker, you can do it with an aux to, you know, you can do it with a thing. So that's fun. i I am delighted by our conversation and your experience.
01:47:21
Speaker
nebulous understanding of Christmas fraction. Yeah, no, I actually have managed to convince myself that I don't know what the fuck this thing is or how it works or why it should
History and Gifts Exchange
01:47:32
Speaker
work. And I guess that's the magic, but boy. it is it is a real hodgepodge of a holiday. Like so many things. the The more you look at its history and roots and origins, the the harder it gets to to embrace it as Anything worth embracing. but But embrace it, we shall. Embrace it, we shall. And embrace it, we do. Because i still believe in Christmas magic.
01:47:56
Speaker
and kaa And then and next year. um Oh, and I almost died this year. So like i'm really I'm really feeling holiday this year. This is good. Oh, that's right. Yes. Yeah. So so i'm similar I'm very much in a wonderful life.
01:48:09
Speaker
but We're so happy you're doing better. And then next year, obviously, seven-hour Lord of the Rings ah commentary. Commentary track, yeah. Episode. Oh, you will physically murder me. Also... I've thought a lot about what would have happened if ah things didn't get better for me. um And until just now, I hadn't thought about the idea of my wife discovering that I had three T-Pain microphones
01:48:37
Speaker
in my office because I hadn't sent them out. But i just that would have been funny going through my effects and affairs. and well What are we going to do with dad's T-Pain mics? Surely Kelly would not have been surprised.
01:48:48
Speaker
No, just burdened. just i just There's a lot of burdens, you know, and that's just what do I Like, like what's what's worse than one T-Pain mic? Three T-Pain mics. And now it's it's our wives' problem to deal with one day Yeah. No time soon, we hope.
01:49:06
Speaker
and just i should I'm just going to leave a note on mine um permanently that says, um must be sung through at funeral. Yeah.
01:49:16
Speaker
Yeah. ah Well, Fraction, you will be pleased to know that this is not the strangest gift Matt will be receiving this holiday season. Oh. but now Now I'm intrigued. do you is you guysri for the while Yeah, you guys are going to do it, right?
01:49:33
Speaker
yeah yeah Yeah. Can I hang out? Do you have to stop or can I can i hang out and hear this part? We already recorded it. okay
01:49:43
Speaker
It's Christmas. It's a time for miracles and time travel. I didn't even get into the quantum mechanics stuff about Santa. I had a whole bunch of quantum mechanics stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that in the extended edition. Oh, great. Great. Yeah, people are going to love it. This is the extended edition. What's worse than fucking Santa and Christmas shit that I don't really know or understand? Quantum physics that I don't really know understand. Thank you for having me back on Mount Prednis, as always. Merry Christmas, guys.
01:50:09
Speaker
Merry Christmas, Raction. We love having you, buddy. it's It's not Christmas till the three of us are are having a ah goof. A little Christmas goof. All right, guys. See you next year.
01:50:21
Speaker
Next year in Dollywood.
01:50:28
Speaker
Well, Matt, the Christmas special has come to an end once again. Yes, another wild one in the can.
01:50:39
Speaker
For 2025. Another fun time where I think we all learned a little something. We sure did. We sure did. But that means that it is now time for our annual Christmas tradition of opening our gifts to each other. Correct.
01:50:56
Speaker
That's right. And you have two for me. a I have one for you in a rather...
01:51:10
Speaker
interestingly shaped box, let's say. ah I did a little pre-opening of the box because i didn't I didn't look inside, but it it came like heavily taped up.
01:51:23
Speaker
So i i have I have sliced the tape open so that I can quickly access what's inside this box. i mean that All that tape's going to make sense in a minute.
01:51:35
Speaker
Okay. okay yeah'll go it here's Here's what I'll say. I would never want to... i don't want you to feel like I'm dismissing or diminishing your gift-giving abilities, because you have gotten me some some very great things in the past.
01:51:53
Speaker
But I do think I should open my presence from you, and then you should open mine to you. Okay. Because I don't think you would have gotten me something that is going to be as funny...
01:52:08
Speaker
to open as what I got you. Okay. ah Fair. Fair. I just got you two things that I knew you wanted. Yes. Yes. I got you something that I don't know if you want, Matt.
01:52:22
Speaker
Okay. Okay, great. ah Well, what then then yes, go ahead and open ah your gifts. i Do you have an order preference? No.
01:52:32
Speaker
I would say just i would say just pick one and and pop it open. All right, I've got ah' got this box here that I'm looking into. look at that. I love that guy. Matt, that is a that is an amiibo.
01:52:47
Speaker
That is an amiibo of Link. Of Link riding a horse. That's right. And I specifically got you the Link amiibo because you had mentioned...
01:53:01
Speaker
playing games using amiibos a lot recently, like in your replay of Tears of the Kingdom. Yeah, I'm playing Tears the Kingdom, and so every day i get all of my Zelda amiibos, of which I have many.
01:53:14
Speaker
Yeah. And i I do the little amiibo thing, and I get special weapons and armor and horses and such. Yes, so I was like... my My boy loves amiibos. I'm going to get him another one.
01:53:28
Speaker
Another one. Another one. I made sure to look on your wish list to see what you didn't have. I actually put this on there fairly recently.
01:53:40
Speaker
Yeah. ah like Like within the past month or so, because I want like i didn't know that there was a an amiibo of Link riding a horse. A horse that doesn't look like Epona.
01:53:52
Speaker
Yeah. Like, just a different horse that he's got. Yeah, I don't guess it is Epona. I think it's just a horse from one of the Breath of the Wild horses. Yeah, you can get Epona in the game from an amiibo.
01:54:06
Speaker
That's true, yeah. So, it's weird that that that one's not on there, but yeah, that's yeah Is it from the Ocarina of Time amiibo? No, I mean, this is... this is ah Well, you can get Epona from...
01:54:21
Speaker
I think you can get Epona from the... the i Because I don't have the Ocarina of Time one. But i think you can get Epona from the Twilight Princess one, and there's another one. Because like the first time I started playing, I immediately got two Epone. And that was... i mean One of those just going to go of run free forever, I guess. Majestic. Yeah, but je well...
01:54:45
Speaker
I feel like this is indicating, this is like, because, you know, in Breath of the Wild, you can get all kinds of horses. Yeah, yeah. And so that's what I think that that horse is, just a representative of a horse from Breath Wild. It's a representative, it's a notional horse. It's a notional horse, that's right, yeah.
01:55:04
Speaker
Now, I am also opening, oh, I see i see a familiar cape and cowl. Yep, yep. Ah, yes. Yes. Matt, you got me the Batman figure.
01:55:18
Speaker
The late Golden Age a Batman figure that comes with Ace the Bat-Hound. Yes, I got you Batman and his good dog. Yes. Because know how much you love that. I love Batman, and I love his good dog.
01:55:36
Speaker
ah Good dogs in general, but in particular, Batman... And his good dog. Is the fact that Ace wears a mask the funniest thing that has ever happened in a Batman comic? It's pretty funny. I mean, there are other very funny things that have happened in Batman comics. but Yeah, but I mean, the fact that they need to protect this dog's identity so that its enemies won't find it is pretty funny.
01:56:04
Speaker
That's true. That's true. Oh, man, this is very exciting, Matt. Thank you. i love i love this man, and I love this dog, and I love dogs, and love superheroes, particularly Batman.
01:56:17
Speaker
Yeah. But I love these in both the general and specific. i got you two of your dudes with their animal friends. With their animal friends. That's very good, Matt. yeah That's good.
01:56:29
Speaker
Now... i was I was correct. These are good presents that are not as funny as what I got you. Okay, then let me pop this box open and see what's in it.
01:56:52
Speaker
the first box. And there's a receipt, but I won't look at that. I won't look at that. Oh, there's more tape. So I'm going to have to give me a lot of tape. Give me a lot of tape.
01:57:04
Speaker
lot of red tape. Well, it's not red. It's clear. Okay, get out my knife. I'm going to get out my Opinel Carbona knife. i The knife I got you.
01:57:18
Speaker
Yeah. I think. I got you that knife, right?
01:57:24
Speaker
Oh, boy.
01:57:28
Speaker
There it is. ah There it is. ah
01:57:36
Speaker
Oh, man. this is This is fancy, moment my mine my man. ah Yeah, man. It's got to be fancy, because you know it's coming at you from Juan Sanchez Villalobos Ramirez.
01:57:53
Speaker
Here we are, born to be kings.
01:57:57
Speaker
Matt, would you tell the people what you have just opened? It's the katana from Highlander. It is indeed the katana from Highlander, forged in 593 BC by the legendary swordsmith Masamune.
01:58:14
Speaker
Because you, Matt Wilson, are the prince of my universe. There could be only one.
01:58:24
Speaker
Now i'm looking at the Yeah. Highlander blue closed mouth katana. High carbon.
01:58:33
Speaker
Yeah, man. Wow. Wow. With a sheaf. Pretty nice.
01:58:40
Speaker
Yeah. I should hope so. I want you to know that I went and and purchased that.
01:58:51
Speaker
And on the webpage from which I purchased, there was a link that said you may also like... And what it said I might also like was Onduril. The Flame of the West. Well, that is correct.
01:59:04
Speaker
they you know they They really cooked with that one. But I bought you a sword. You know what? That's true friendship. It is true friendship.
01:59:17
Speaker
The hilt of this thing is... hilarious with the with the with the dragon head and everything oh yeah man oh man that's very cool very good and very funny and now and now you have a sword i i asked you several months ago yes said hey i remember ah How does Marlene feel about the current number of swords in your house?
01:59:43
Speaker
You said neutral. Yeah, um we're going to find out. I mean, we're definitely going to find out what the reaction is going to be. Just casually start wearing it.
01:59:56
Speaker
Like, yeah, in my belt? Yeah. I'm sure that's going to go over great. That that is, like, owning it is one thing.
02:00:07
Speaker
Wearing it ah it's a whole different level. For sure. Look, yes, it's the Highlander sword, but but also, you know, if people don't know it's the Highlander sword, it could you you can just wear it anywhere. You can dress up, dress down.
02:00:26
Speaker
That's true. That's true.
02:00:30
Speaker
I mean, somebody out in public is going to see it and go, I'm pretty sure that's a sword from Highlander.
02:00:39
Speaker
And you'll be like, hell yeah, dog. Hell yeah, it is. Here it is. Born to be kings. Nice of you to notice. Yeah.
02:00:52
Speaker
Now this is, okay. This is different from...
02:00:59
Speaker
This is the movie one, and then the TV show one is slightly different. Yeah. Yes. yeah i believe I believe I got you the movie one. I believe it is the movie one, yes.
02:01:12
Speaker
The TV one... Well, hang on now. The TV one looks pretty similar. i can't It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell.
02:01:24
Speaker
There's another one that has like sort of like
02:01:29
Speaker
a slightly different looking dragon... I, I, okay. This is, this is, this is the TV show one. Oh, okay. The movie one is Adrian Paul's.
02:01:40
Speaker
This is Adrian Paul's. The the TV show or ah the movie one is, is the dragon has like an open mouth and looks slightly different. Um, I, I believe now that I'm looking that this is the one from the TV show, which is, which is great. Like, cause I have more of a connection to the TV show than the movie.
02:01:59
Speaker
Um, My Aunt Diane will flip to know that I have this. but but I just, you know, I just want to point out that that is, it is a 7 out of 10. Smart.
02:02:15
Speaker
I don't think you could, I mean, I guess you could purchase the Dragon Slayer. But... i I mean, I own a version of the Dragon Slayer. so Yeah, like that's, I mean, i've I've almost bought a metal Dragon Slayer before. But the problem is, even the biggest ones you can buy are not eight feet long.
02:02:36
Speaker
Not big enough, yeah. Yeah. um Not big enough to be representative of the true Dragon Slayer. Yeah. But I mean, you know, it might just be easier to go find a slab of iron.
02:02:49
Speaker
That's true. Okay, you could buy a Master Sword for sure. You can buy a Master Sword, but like a lot of them don't look quite right.
02:03:00
Speaker
Yeah. I don't think you could buy a Chrysagram. ah No, I don't think you can buy a sword that hits five times every time you swing it. And that is that is that pixelated.
02:03:14
Speaker
Yeah. Let's see. What other 10s do we have?
02:03:21
Speaker
The Victory Sword from Vampire Survivors. I don't think you could buy that either. i don't think you can buy that that. That one makes, like, the galaxy happen. Okay. The Sword of Actuation, if you could buy it?
02:03:33
Speaker
Would want it. Would want, yes. You would want it? I would not. Would want, yes. That thing's covered in behelits, my dude.
02:03:45
Speaker
I mean, a replica, not the real thing. ah well yeah I don't want to have to pull it out of my throat. like I'm not as cool as the Skull Knight. Whomst among us?
02:03:56
Speaker
and Those are all our tens. Those are all the tens. yeah Sword of Actuation is pretty cool. Sword of Actuation is pretty cool. and like you know it has It has different forms.
02:04:08
Speaker
yeah
02:04:10
Speaker
This is rad. This is rad. I am glad you like it. I'm going to have to...
02:04:17
Speaker
get some like hooks and hang it up in here. I think. Yes. My tradition of getting you, uh, props from movies we have discussed at length.
02:04:30
Speaker
I have some, but I had my bison dollars are still, uh, prominently displayed yes in, in, uh, in my office. They're on top of my bookcase. Um,
02:04:45
Speaker
it's wild how, um, That new Street Fighter movie, like like, you know, maybe that new Street Fighter movie could be good.
Movie Comparisons and Year Reflection
02:04:53
Speaker
it's It won't be. Don't worry. but But to me, like, already the Van Damme Street Fighter, clearly superior.
02:05:05
Speaker
ah Here's the thing. The Street Fighter movie is not a good Street Fighter movie. But the further away we get from it, I think it's a good G.I. i Joe movie.
02:05:16
Speaker
it's It's a fun movie. It's a bad Street Fighter movie. Yeah. Like, that version of Bison is a real Cobra Commander. It's true. Yeah, he's very... Like, he's kind of a mix of Cobra Commander and Serpentor.
02:05:35
Speaker
He's, like, both of them in one character. Yes, very much so. ah And Van Damme's Guile is not... a very representative Guile but like as soon as I saw that Cody Rhodes version of Guile I was like oh Van Damme was much better why does he look like that why does he look like that why does he look like that though like I understand that they're trying to kind of like do the game um but why does he look like that well Matt you have now joined me in the ranks of sword owners
02:06:14
Speaker
Yes. real A genuine sword, yes. A genuine sword for Matt Wilson. I'm so glad that the reaction that you had was exactly the reaction that I wanted you to have.
02:06:30
Speaker
That makes me very happy. And I love ah my little guys and their animal friends. Yes. i like I was going to say... um like you You were recently talking about like there needing to be more dogs in Lord of the Rings.
02:06:48
Speaker
Which led to several people informing us about dogs that live in Middle Earth. um But like that is so different from the Chris Sims chriss before he owned Biscuit. eight i you know i get I get hassled by my wife about that.
02:07:08
Speaker
Yeah. and And so I was like, to indicate the the change in Chris Sims and how different he feels about animal companionship, ah I got to get him some guys with their animal friends.
02:07:29
Speaker
That's true. Now, if only you could have... figured out how to stop my dog from eating a banh mi out of the trash from like four days ago while i was out at dinner tonight that would change the way i feel about the animal companions even more well you know ah i do have to say like it does indicate that biscuit has great taste
02:07:59
Speaker
I mean, it i yes, it's a banh mi from four days ago. Yeah, look that's the thing, Matt. I mean, look, the banh was good. Yeah. I am very pleased. I am glad that you liked it.
02:08:12
Speaker
This is the gift I have been the most excited about giving, so I am very glad you like it, and I love my little guys. Yes, it's... it's you You really pulled through, and... Like...
02:08:27
Speaker
like Highlander isn't my favorite movie, but I think about it a lot. Yeah, exactly. like I don't love Highlander, but i do think about it a lot, and that sword does kick ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. i like it's It's another movie, you know, Flash Gordon, we named our show after Flash Gordon, ah a movie with a Queen soundtrack that like we love despite its shortcomings.
02:08:56
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And Highlander, I feel like, falls into that same category. Yeah. There aren't many of those. like you it's it's It's going to be one of those letterbox lists with two entries.
02:09:09
Speaker
You know? So there could be three, it could be because you could put Iron Eagle on there. Iron Eagle has a Queen soundtrack? Okay. right well Iron Eagle's got ah One Vision on the soundtrack.
02:09:21
Speaker
Okay, so just one song. but Yeah, but it is but it is prominently featured. Okay. Okay. I guess you could shoehorn that in, yeah. I mean, it's also got the song Iron Eagle, which which you know is not Queen, but does kick ass.
02:09:36
Speaker
ah It whips, yeah. Yeah. And is also a movie I think about way more than I should. ah Well, everybody, I hope that you are all enjoying ah the the gift of this show.
02:09:52
Speaker
And I hope that you are are having a nice time. i hope you you maybe be opened up a gift along with us and had some fun. Yeah. ah i I'm certainly so happy with the with the gift I got. And I hope you enjoyed the gift you gifts you received.
02:10:15
Speaker
And ah that's another year of War Rocket Ajax. ah Matt, I'm not telling you you have to record you showing Marlene what I got you. I'm saying if you did, I would like to see it.
02:10:30
Speaker
Okay. Okay. ah Maybe. i think... would Yes, well we'll we'll look into it. ah i mean, look, maybe maybe this is going to be a secret that Matt has in his office for a while.
02:10:46
Speaker
No, it's going to be displayed, ah but... Probably over the mantle. Well, there's no mantle in here, but ah it it it I'm going to find a spot for it for sure. I got to rearrange some art in this office ah because I've acquired more art that I haven't put up.
02:11:07
Speaker
ah So that's going to be a project during my time my Christmas time off, potentially. Yeah, i did I did ask you, do you want – I was also considering an art gift.
02:11:18
Speaker
And so I asked you, do you want art or an object? which And which you chose object, and now you have this. And now I have to display it essentially as art. but But, you know.
02:11:31
Speaker
ah I ain't complaining. um I did, ah in our conversation about ah Street Fighter, I found an article on WrestleZone titled, Cody Rhodes Look as Guile in Street Fighter is Getting a Very Mixed Reaction.
02:11:48
Speaker
And
02:11:52
Speaker
i'll just i'll read I'll read a couple of paragraphs from this because this is ah this is very amusing. Fans have taken to X Twitter to share their reaction to Cody Rhodes' look as Guile, which ranges from, he looks awesome, it looks like the games, to this is awful, cartoonish.
02:12:07
Speaker
One fan noted that Cody Rhodes looks like he's playing Guile in an SNL skit, and another straight out exclaimed, he looks really stupid. However, some fans also shared positive reactions and praised the movie for being game accurate and leaning into the absurdity of the digital versions.
02:12:22
Speaker
Casual fans who might not be familiar with the Street Fighter games po poked fun at Rhodes' hairstyle, they saying things like, why his head looked like my living room table. yeah and What was the need of this exact cartoonish hairstyle?
02:12:38
Speaker
um I don't think that they're unfamiliar with the games. They just think it looks silly. i just don't know why he looks worse than Cody Rhodes.
02:12:51
Speaker
Like, Cody Rhodes looks more like Guile than Cody Rhodes dressed as Guile. That's true. um i think it's weird to see Cody Rhodes in A-shirt.
02:13:05
Speaker
Like, in in not like what you normally see him wearing. That's true. ah it it's It's jarring ah to see him that way. And yes, for some reason, he especially looks silly.
02:13:19
Speaker
Like... I think Roman Reigns as Akuma looks bad, but not quite bad. Yes, but not ridiculous. Hey, everybody. Thanks for sticking with us for another year of War Rocket Ajax. We really appreciate and love you all. And and thank you for listening to our our goofy little show here and and and our, you know,
02:13:48
Speaker
Attempts to to to amuse you and and give you a good time. and And we hope we have been that for you. And and we have given you some some comfort in
02:14:01
Speaker
ah difficult year. Trying times, for sure.
02:14:08
Speaker
So, yeah. Thanks. yeah And ah Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy holidays. I hope you've you're enjoying the time.
02:14:21
Speaker
If you celebrate any holiday, no holiday, we always hope that you're having a good time. We hope you'll be here when we come back in 2026 with another year of War Rocket Ajax.
02:14:33
Speaker
we'll We'll be back with the Gordy Awards. so and Now would be a good time, whenever you're listening to this, to send in your Gordy Award categories for The 2026 Gordie Awards. ah so So send those in ah as soon as you can. So we have all of our Gordie Award categories prepared.
02:14:59
Speaker
ah that's a That'll be a fun time when we come back in 2026.
02:15:08
Speaker
Until then, everybody, we wish you all the best. We wish you peace on Earth and goodwill towards every everyone. And the happiest of days.
02:15:23
Speaker
We did it! yes We made it through! We made it through another one, everybody!
02:15:28
Speaker
Let's going. Let's keep going. Stay with us. And Happy New Year.
02:15:37
Speaker
We'll be back in 2026. We love you. We love you. Yeah!