Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Episode 750 - I to X of Swords: Keyblade
0 Plays2 seconds ago
It's time to rate more swords this week, and we got some weird ones this time. Plus: Stay tuned for one of the wildest arguments in Ajax history.
We make our show on Zencastr, and you can too! Follow this link to sign up now!
Join the WRA Patreon to help us keep doing the show and get rewards!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Zencastr Promotion
00:00:00
Speaker
This show is recorded using Zencaster. If you are a podcaster or you want to be a podcaster and you want to be able to record remotely, you can do so using Zencaster. They also have hosting options and you can let them know that we sent you. Follow the link in our show notes or in the episode description and sign up for an account on Zencaster now to start recording your own podcast.
00:00:28
Speaker
I just, I'm bored. What plaything can you offer me today?
00:00:38
Speaker
got more rocket Ajax to bring back his body. Terminate exit!
Meet Chris and Matt of War Rocket Ajax
00:00:53
Speaker
Ho-ho-hello, everybody, and welcome to War Rocket Ajax. This is the Internet's most explosive comic book and pop culture podcast. We are your ho-ho hosts. My name is Chris Sims, and with me as always is Matt Wilson.
Christmas Carols: Likes and Dislikes
00:01:05
Speaker
Matt, a thing I know about you from our 15-plus years of friendship is that you don't like the Carol of the Bells because you find it stressful.
00:01:19
Speaker
Yes, it stresses me out. I don't like it. It causes anxiety. There is that one version by Destiny's Child where they end it by going, do That is the most acceptable version of it. But in every version, it causes me anxiety.
00:01:36
Speaker
So I am wondering if there are any other like the the classic ah or or liturgical Christmas carols, not Christmas songs, but what we would call Christmas carols,
00:01:48
Speaker
that you are that you also have a similar distaste for? I don't think so.
Patreon Support and Gimmick Street
00:01:59
Speaker
there There are definitely some that I like more than others.
00:02:04
Speaker
like I think Silver Bells is slow. Okay, well hang on. You don't like Carol of the Bells cause it's too fast.
00:02:16
Speaker
Oh, I know. i like okay Look, i there's a tempo that I like. Goldilocks Wilson over here. That's right. But like i don't I don't hate Silver Bells. It's not like i just I won't ever listen to it.
00:02:28
Speaker
um I know that John Hodgman believes that ah this is Santa's big scene is the worst line in any Christmas carol. It's not great.
00:02:39
Speaker
it' not it's I like it, actually. i like that it's there. I like it when Christmas carols are dated. I like it when Alvin wants a hula hoop.
00:02:51
Speaker
Me, I want a hula hoop, yeah. It's all wants, Matt. I feel like you're asking this because you have one that you also don't care for. No, Matt, I'm asking it because I ask you a question at the beginning of each show. Well, we both answer the question. It provides fun and interesting conversation for our listeners.
00:03:10
Speaker
Ideally. I feel like ah we both ask the question we both answer the question, though, typically. Yes. I mean, i don't I'm not a fan of of the drummer boy. No one likes that.
00:03:21
Speaker
Not even the David Bowie, Bing Crosby version. Oh no, I like that one, because but you did have to get David Bowie and Bing Crosby and an entire different song to make it good.
00:03:33
Speaker
True, yeah. yeah like they could They could probably do a pretty bang-up version of Christmas Shoes, too.
00:03:43
Speaker
i
Chris's Love for Holiday Rom-Coms
00:03:44
Speaker
it Little Drummer Boy is weird because it creates a new character. When there were established people who were there at the at the manger.
00:03:54
Speaker
and and like Which, as Matt believes, is all documented and all true. It's all documented and all true. Had they just made up a new guy? Come play the drums for this woman who just gave birth outside.
00:04:09
Speaker
Yeah. i I genuinely thought that Silver Bells was an older song than it is. Nah, man. That song's about Santa's big scene.
00:04:20
Speaker
That song was released at... Yeah, but like I thought that would be like twenty s or 30s lingo. That song is from 1950. Yeah. That's nuts.
00:04:31
Speaker
The one that I don't get is is I Saw Three Ships. Because it seems like a child describing a dream. ah like Because there's no... like there's no There's no boats in the Christmas story, you know?
00:04:50
Speaker
There's no ships. it is is Is Bethlehem a port town? i don't know. I've never actually looked. It's not about that, right? like it's about It's about some other occurrence that just happens to be happening on Christmas Day,
Holiday Movies and Audience Engagement
00:05:05
Speaker
right? Yeah.
00:05:06
Speaker
I guess. But then why are the Virgin Mary and Christ there? like That's the part that makes it sound like a child describing a dream. like, yeah, I saw i saw three ships. Also, the Virgin Mary and Christ were there.
00:05:17
Speaker
And it was Christmas. Yeah, ah okay. ah This is from Wikipedia. The lyrics mention the ship sailing into Bethlehem, but the nearest body of water is the Dead Sea about 20 miles away.
00:05:29
Speaker
Yeah, man. Yeah, i don't know. And it's closer to that than it is to the the Mediterranean. I feel like at least that's like a nice little jaunty tune, though. I mean, it's you know it's a fine tune, but it's like... yeah I don't understand. I mean, it's kind of like Good it's kind of like good King Wenceslas, where it's like not really about the day itself, but just about like a guy Who enjoyed the Feast of St. Stephen. Well, as we all know, Matt, that is not a Christmas song. That is a St. Stephen's Day song, which is December 26th.
00:06:04
Speaker
Right, but it you know it gets lumped in. It does. But i did you know that Good King Wenceslas was murdered by his brother, Boleslav the Cruel? I mean, wouldn't that isn't that just the way of the world? you know Yeah, man.
00:06:20
Speaker
We got a great show for everybody this week. We're going rate some swords. For the last time in 2025, we're going to rate some swords. I do think this will continue into 2026, though. It's absolutely continuing into 2026. There are so many swords.
00:06:36
Speaker
We are going to do it for the last time in 2025. But before we do that, ah we do have some business to take care of. The first piece of business is thanking our supporters over on Patreon.
00:06:49
Speaker
That's right, Matt. These are the people who like the show so much that they want to go to patreon.com slash warrocketajax, where they can kick in as little as a dollar to keep this show going, help us keep doing comics catch-up every story ever, all the side projects and fun stuff that we do,
00:07:06
Speaker
good that That honestly make us keep doing this show. Because sometimes it's a Thursday night and I'm like, I'm tired. yeah And I don't want to do this show.
00:07:19
Speaker
But when we start doing it, it's always nice.
Supporting the Show: Ways and Thanks
00:07:21
Speaker
once we start to Yeah, i mean, yes, of course. i Obviously, i I love talking to my good friend Matt Wilson. They chip in as little as Dollar a Month. They help us do that. ah They help to save Gimmick Street.
00:07:34
Speaker
a very important and noble task, not legally a charity. Just so everyone knows where where that's at. Yes, in nature it is it is a for-profit preservation society. Extremely for-profit preservation society, yes.
00:07:53
Speaker
um Unfortunately, I don't have any new names to read the show. They can also help us keep ah help us pay those gimmicks. They keep sending them to the mail called bills. That's right. I don't have any new names to read, and...
00:08:04
Speaker
ah We have read out all of the
Comfort and Joy: Personal Favorites
00:08:08
Speaker
locations on Gimmick Street ah sent in by members of the Gimmick Street Preservation Society. So, Chris, we have to determine what's at 750 Gimmick Street. I mean, Matt, it's the saddest thing in the world right before Christmas.
00:08:22
Speaker
it's It's the vacant lot. Oh, no! It's the vacant lot where the the toy store used to be. oh boy. And and you know do you know why it's a vacant lot? with its Venture capital.
00:08:37
Speaker
Used to be because of venture capital and because no new people subscribed as paid patrons on our Patreon. Yeah. But to be fair, lot of people have – a lot of people are spreading their money out a little bit at this particular time of year. We get it.
00:08:56
Speaker
We get it, yeah. um But – If you are a patron, thank you for being that. If you are at the $1 level, monthly, you get every
Speedruns and Summoning Salt
00:09:08
Speaker
episode of every show that we do completely ad-free.
00:09:10
Speaker
Everything that we do ad-free on a special feed for your Patreon. At the $5 level, you get bonus content. That includes bonus audio that we record, as well as outtakes that I cut out of the show and put on Patreon,
00:09:28
Speaker
writing that Chris and I have done. That's all there on Patreon. At the $10 level, you get line-stepping privileges for our segments, which currently include 1 to 10 of Swords, which we're doing on this very episode, as well as Every Story Ever.
00:09:41
Speaker
At the $15 level, you join the Gimmick Street Preservation
Comics Review: Supergirl and Batman
00:09:44
Speaker
Society. You get to name what is at an address on Gimmick Street, which if you are at that level and you haven't done that, send me a message on Patreon.com.
00:09:54
Speaker
with what you would like to put at the an address on Gimmick Street, it the next one will probably be 752.
00:10:04
Speaker
Well, no, because that'll be the Yeah, dimensionally unlocked Flash Gordon Memorial Coliseum is going to be at 752 Gimmick Street.
00:10:19
Speaker
Right, 751 is going to... Wait, this 750? This is 750, yeah. this is seven to fifty yeah Wow. we We definitely should have planned on something. I mean, yeah, I think it's great to rate some swords on episode 750. Maybe once you get past 500, you don't need to worry about the 50s anymore.
00:10:36
Speaker
Yeah. it's not This isn't Marvel Comics in the 90s. That's true. yeah Marvel Comics loved a 25. Yeah. They would do a 12, a 25. they would They would put a double-sized issue out at the drop of a hat, man. Yeah.
00:10:52
Speaker
Anyway, the... The 751 is going to be probably Mount Premise, as it so often is. Well, I mean, I know that you and I are planning our annual trip to Mount Premise. We're going to get there a couple days before we record, kind of settle in, do our our writer's retreat.
00:11:09
Speaker
And it should be just a totally normal trip up to Mount Premise this year, like it like it always is. Yeah. And then 752 is going to be the Flash Gordon Memorial Auditorium.
Humorous G.I. Joe Comic Panel
00:11:21
Speaker
And then $753, you could name. you could You could give us that location. That's true. At the $20 level, you get a t-shirt, our annual t-shirt. We'll be talking soon about what the 2026 t-shirt will be and getting design started on that.
00:11:37
Speaker
If you are unable to help us monetarily, which we do understand, ah you know, Times can be tight, especially right now. You can help us out in other ways. You can leave us a five-star review on the podcasting app that you use, whatever that may be.
00:11:52
Speaker
Or you can tell your friends and family about the show. Let them know to listen to War Rocket Ajax, and then get them to back our Patreon. Tell them it's very insular and kind of funny, and often there's a grumpy dog on it.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah, that sounds like something ah they would they they would probably like to hear, right? Family members love that. All right, Chris,
Sword Rating: Unique Pop Culture Swords
00:12:20
Speaker
now that we have thanked our Patreon supporters, and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon, we currently have 400 and...
00:12:31
Speaker
27 paid patrons on Patreon. ah Blaze it plus 7. So thank you to everybody who who does back us on Patreon. um If you would like to, you can go do that at patreon.com slash warrocketajax.
00:12:47
Speaker
Alright, Chris, now that we have thanked those folks, it's time for Comforts and Joys.
00:12:57
Speaker
Chris, what's bringing you comfort this week? Matt! I feel like this has happened every year for the past few years, but gosh darn it. Even for me, even for someone who loves the season, who loves all the holidays, who gets so excited when he sees his close personal friends Goku and Santa Claus come down that that old street in New York City, wherever Macy's is.
00:13:24
Speaker
I've been there, but I do not recall what street it is. Is that Fifth Avenue? let's let's Let's say that it is, yeah. Somebody's yelling at their phone right now.
00:13:36
Speaker
so're Oh, it's 34th Street. There's a fucking movie. Miracle on 34th Street. That's, yeah. yeah Okay, listen, that should tell you how difficult it's been for me to get into the spirit this season.
00:13:52
Speaker
It's just, Matt, walk with me behind this chest-high brick wall, please. Okay. ah You're not going to wall me up in it, Montresor. No, no, no, no, no. But, you know, we'll we'll see we'll see where the show takes us.
00:14:04
Speaker
All right. What I want to do is stand behind this chest-high brick wall and lean on it and talk about how, gosh darn it, it just doesn't really feel like Christmas. yeah yeah So in an attempt to remedy that, i'm I'm going with a classic favorite activity of mine, something that that you you know about, and that's watching made-for-television Christmas rom-coms, a genre that I dearly love.
00:14:32
Speaker
Yes. now Now, these are sometimes referred to as Hallmark movies, but they're not only Hallmark. No. ah Internet Flickering Pictures does a lot of these.
00:14:43
Speaker
yeah Honestly, I think everybody does a lot of them. you can You can find them. And I do specifically like the rom-coms. You know, A Castle for Christmas, a movie that my review on Letterboxd features a cameo appearance from you, as I tell a story about Carrie Elwes, the Christmas Prince trilogy, the Princess Switch trilogy, the Hot Frosty. You know I've watched Hot Frosty.
00:15:07
Speaker
We watched Hot Frosty together. Yes, romantically. That's right, yes. I love a Christmas rom-com. And I'm also interested in other kind of Christmas genre movies. I did text you and Benito to ask you if ah the horror film It's a Wonderful Knife was even half as good as the title.
00:15:30
Speaker
If it's half as good as the title, I'll watch it. You know I haven't seen that. How have you not seen that, Matt? I don't watch every horror movie like Benito does.
00:15:40
Speaker
Yeah, I guess that's true. He does watch like every horror movie. Yeah. I believe Benito informed me, no, it is not. Yeah, it can't possibly be. Yeah, because what ah what a great title, and what a great premise, that someone stops a a serial killer, like a slasher, and then the next year their life isn't going well, so they wish they'd never been born. It's both things.
00:16:04
Speaker
That's very exciting. if If Benito's wrong and that movie secretly rules, let me know. But more than that, I would like everybody out there listening to maybe help me out a little bit. There's a lot of these movies. Many of them are bad.
00:16:22
Speaker
But many of them are better than you think, as you'll find out in maybe like five minutes or so. So if you've got a favorite Christmas movie, I remember Xmas, E-Xmas, about ah two people who broke up, but they still wind up spending the holidays together.
00:16:39
Speaker
ah That one, I remember actually being like a lot of fun from last year. if you If you know of one that's good, hit me up. Holler at your boy. Tell me about your favorite Hallmark movie, your favorite Christmas rom-com.
00:16:50
Speaker
ah let's Let's get in the spirit together. as we As we watch these. Again, don't don't mean don't say it like on the Discord. DM me on Discord.
00:17:02
Speaker
Because I'll see it. Matt, what have you been doing while I've been watching Christmas rom-coms? Well, Chris, before we get into that, I do want to note that ah the Macy's in ah Manhattan...
00:17:15
Speaker
ah is is like almost catty-corner from Medicine Square Garden. It is on 34th Street. yeah but it's not I've been there. ah it's I believe we've been there. I haven't been there. But ah it is not far from Fifth Avenue, so you weren't that far off. Yeah, but again, there is a very famous movie about Santa Claus that I've seen like 100 times. well But the avenues are crossed streets with...
00:17:40
Speaker
The streets. So like. It's on 34th and 7th. So it's only like. So i was. i Matt what you're saying is I was wrong. And that's fine. I'm saying it's close to 5th Avenue. point Is what I'm saying.
00:17:52
Speaker
Well hey. I appreciate you looking out. ah The other thing I want to say before I get into what what what I'll say is my comfort. um Last week on the show, we had a discussion about, there was a question about Chuck Dixon and how you know we can we should regard his work in 2025. And the topic of Neil Gaiman also came up.
00:18:18
Speaker
And
Ontology's End and Abstract Swords
00:18:20
Speaker
we sort of insinuated that, well... We used to read Chuck comics and we never really liked Neil. And like, that's kind of true. The joke made was that I thought it was funny that we had a more nuanced opinion on whether it's about going back and revisiting Chuck Dixon comics than going back and revisiting Neil Gaiman comics, when one of them is a like kind of objectively a better writer than the other.
00:18:47
Speaker
yes and ah And we were informed that I probably should have done a better job of making it clear. Chuck Dixon...
00:18:59
Speaker
has some bad beliefs yeah and seems like a pretty bad person. He has not done what Neil Gaiman did. He has not abused people and committed ah you know alleged crimes like Neil Gaiman. yeah and so They are not in the same strata of of uncomfortable artists. like I think Chuck is probably an uncomfortable artist. Neil Gaiman is firmly like, a fuck that guy.
00:19:28
Speaker
Yeah, like... like Chuck Nixon, I couldn't imagine reading a comic he wrote within the last five years. But like a comic he wrote 30 years ago, I have no problem with. yeah um Neil i might as well not exist to me anymore, given what he's accused of. And like I think that's just worth so worth stating very clearly. Yeah, those are not those are not people who are comparable in regards to what they have done.
Full Metal Bitch's Sword Review
00:19:56
Speaker
Correct. um And so... Just wanted to to make that extra clear ah in regard to to what we talked about last week. Now, on to my comfort. um This is, Chris, your wreck from last week, or your joy from last week. I finally watched it. ah Nobody 2.
00:20:20
Speaker
That's a fun movie. That's a fun movie. It's not a Christmas movie, but it is a fun movie. It's really like a summer vacation movie. It is a summer vacation movie.
00:20:30
Speaker
um And you said that it it is set at South of the Border, which I think is is not inaccurate. It's a little bit South of the Border, a little bit like you know campground, a little bit – It's Wisconsin Dells.
00:20:45
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's ah that's a better comparison, probably. It's a lot Wisconsin Dells, which, if you look at the the patch on the side of Colin Hanks' uniform, which, boy, was I surprised to see Colin Hanks playing the evil sheriff in that movie.
00:21:01
Speaker
That was Colin Hanks! That was Colin Hanks. Wow, okay, yeah. ah He's got an outline of the state of Wisconsin on his... like a patch with, with the state of Wisconsin on his shirt. So it's taking place in Wisconsin.
00:21:18
Speaker
What is the Wisconsin Dells, but the, the South of the border of the Midwest? I mean, I, think yes, they are, they're comparable for certain. um But there is a scene in that movie. I just like, you you are entirely correct in so many ways about ah what that movie is and why it's fun.
00:21:40
Speaker
I just want to make note of there being one scene in that movie where ah Colin Hanks, as the evil sheriff, is talking on the phone with like a lackey of his that has just had all his teeth knocked out by Bob Odenkirk.
00:21:55
Speaker
And... um the The guy's like having a hard time saying what he's trying to say, and also somebody standing right next to Colin Hanks is using like a buzzsaw or some kind of loud piece of machinery.
00:22:07
Speaker
yes And ah so he keeps like operating the thing, and the guy's having a hard time talking, and so Colin Hanks can't hear what the guy is saying. And Colin Hanks just goes, hey, hey, turn that off.
00:22:20
Speaker
What are you, new? And I popped so hard. That is your favorite insult. It's my favorite insult. And so I had to take a picture of the screen with the subtitles and send it to you and Benito. Because i was like, this is a good movie.
00:22:38
Speaker
Yes. but Now, do you agree with me? As I believe you do. But just to get you on the record, that guy shouldn't have gone down the water slide.
00:22:49
Speaker
Nobody should have followed them into anything after the very first trap went off. Yeah, man. Like, the water slide especially, but like like, following the other guy to the ball pit?
00:23:04
Speaker
Like, you had to know. You had to know. But especially, though like, that guy does not hesitate. He just now i mean fully...
00:23:15
Speaker
like is like As though he is there to ride the water slide and not there as a as a hitman. i mean, look, i there's ah there's an easy no-prize explanation for why they just blindly follow these two guys who have set a bunch of traps at a theme park.
00:23:33
Speaker
Is it to traps that when you get right down to it, how many chances are you going to get in your life to ah fire an a assault rifle while sliding down a water slide? I mean, that's pretty fun, yeah. But it's because like Sharon Stone, who is the big villain of the movie, ultimately, who gives an absolutely bananas performance. she's like She's like 90% Raoul Julian Street Fighter in this movie.
00:24:00
Speaker
Like, go in for it. But it's well established that if if these guys don't die trying to kill Bob Odenkirk and and the other guy, that Sharon Stone's going to kill them.
00:24:17
Speaker
So, like, what what choice do they have? I don't know, man. I don't think Sharon Stone could convince me to fight the Rizzo. um it is a It's a very fun movie, though. ah It's on Peacock. It's easy it's ah it's an easy watch.
00:24:35
Speaker
ah like Yes. it that is ah That is a great way to describe it. ah It was perfect for Thanksgiving weekend as just a, like like, I want something that I know I'm going to enjoy, but that will also be very watchable. Yeah. it's you know I feel like people want to compare these movies to John Wick because of you know the director, ah shared director of it all.
00:25:02
Speaker
But like John Wick becomes very lore-heavy, quickly. yes Whereas Nobody is like ah an action movie from the 90s. Yes, very much.
00:25:13
Speaker
Where it's just like, here's another one. You don't really have to have seen the one before. ah christopher Christopher Lloyd's his dad and Riz is his brother.
00:25:24
Speaker
And he's got a family. The end. The end. Yeah, it's it's it's a very fun movie, and I got a kick out of it. I like... right the like The comparison to... Between Nobody and John Wick is that I think... I'm tempted to say that Nobody is sillier than John Wick, but I think what it is is that it's silly in a very different way.
00:25:50
Speaker
Yeah. Because John Wick is... a silly film in a way that I absolutely adore. the The action is shot similarly, but I feel like that's essentially all action movies now are just doing what John Wick did. well yeah But, uh,
00:26:07
Speaker
ah But yeah, it's it's a hoot, ah nonetheless. All right, time for some joys. Chris, what's bringing you joy? I am going to recommend a legitimate Hallmark Christmas movie. Well, no, sorry.
00:26:19
Speaker
Incorrect. I am going to recommend a legitimate Hallmark Hanukkah movie to everybody. Great. An underserved ah market. And this one is, weirdly, despite being ah very well received, despite potentially tapping into an audience that I don't think Hallmark usually gets,
00:26:45
Speaker
it's ah It is not available on ah any of the streaming services for free. i did go ahead and ah purchase it digitally from ah the the Large River bookstore website.
00:27:00
Speaker
But you can also rent it there. it's I think it was like $9, and I know I'm going to watch it a couple times, at least. And that is the film Round and Round.
00:27:10
Speaker
Do you know Round and Round, Matt? Is this the one with Vic Michaelis in it? It the one with Vic Michaelis. Okay, yeah. Who, I'm not going to lie, pipe i got I got a crush on Vic Michaelis, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
00:27:26
Speaker
Nothing to say? All right. Look, i like i that's totally understandable. I don't think you need to defend that. I don't think I need to either. But ah this ah Vic Michaelis stars in this film. ah They are the main ah actor. They play a a book editor named Rachel.
00:27:46
Speaker
ah who gets ah I thought it was very funny because ah the arc of this movie is that ah usually like a bad person becomes a good person. And ah that's especially true here where an editor becomes a writer. Because we all know editors are enemies.
00:28:03
Speaker
ah Editors are the foes of all that is good. oh But ah it is it is a Hanukkah time loop movie.
00:28:14
Speaker
where ah Vic Michaelis gets stuck on the seventh night of Hanukkah, ah repeating over and over again. And Rachel's parents' house keeps burning down for a variety of reasons, because ah the seventh night of Hanukkah is also the character's parents' anniversary, Rachel's parents' anniversary.
00:28:37
Speaker
So... There's a lot of like romance stuff, a lot of rom-com stuff. It does one of the things that I liked in ah Happy Death Day ah from a professional comic book and film writer, Scott Lobdell, where when the main character tells the love interest, oh, I'm in a time loop, it's not the immediate belief that it is in Happy Death Day, but it does come pretty quickly.
00:29:05
Speaker
And then ah that guy is also like, a D and D player who wants to be a comic book artist. So they go to his friend who runs a comic book store. And that dude immediately is like, got it. You're in a time loop.
00:29:19
Speaker
Yeah. There, uh, there was another movie where that happened where like, ah somebody told another character they were in a time loop and then they immediately believed it. Was it Palm Springs? Palm Springs. Yeah. that that A movie that is ah is referenced in this.
00:29:33
Speaker
And, uh, it's very funny because, uh, at one point there's a really great gag where Vic Michaelis is like, yeah, it's like, it's like Palm Springs or, or that, uh, that, uh, uh, Tom Cruise movie where he keeps dying.
00:29:51
Speaker
And, ah and And, like, you know, it's Groundhog Day. And, like, he he gets it when they say Groundhog Day. But ah at one point, a guy goes, wow, this is just like that movie next. You should be like that movie next. Which is a very funny joke for, like, me, specifically. It's super cute. It's, uh, it's...
00:30:15
Speaker
easily one of the ah better and funnier like Hallmark holiday rom-coms I've seen. um i think it might be the first ah Hallmark Hanukkah movie I've ever seen.
00:30:27
Speaker
i can't recall another one off the top of my head. ah It's well worth the four bucks it's going to cost you to get it. If I was in charge of Hallmark, I would be like, oh, Vic Michaelis is incredibly popular with this weird...
00:30:46
Speaker
group of Gen Z comedy nerds. Let's promote this. But ah for some reason, they have opted not to. Yeah, and and and, you know, it's it's it's always fun to see someone who gets...
00:31:05
Speaker
Gets known in a way for playing a character version of themselves outside of that. Yes. ah I feel like the funniest thing about it is that ah Vic Michaelis is like kind of the straight man for everything. like They're very funny in it, obviously. But you know they're the one stuck in the time loop, so they're kind of the the one who's like, hey, all this wacky stuff is going on.
00:31:33
Speaker
ah Which feels... feels very different from the way we usually see Vic on, say, Game Changer. yeah i mean Doing a 20-minute weird costume change Animorphs reveal.
00:31:51
Speaker
Yes. I mean, it's sort of what they do on Very Important People, but also they are playing a character on Very Important People, which I watched the premiere of the new season of Very Important People. Oh, I haven't watched it yet.
00:32:06
Speaker
ah there' is ah There is a character reveal, like a reveal of something that has happened in the character of Vic Michaelis' life that delighted me.
00:32:18
Speaker
So I won't spoil it for you, but it's great. I did not get you the very important people, not a tracksuit, a sweatsuit, oh for Christmas, but I feel like I should have. Yeah.
00:32:33
Speaker
Nor did I get you the, ah there's some pretty incredible, oh very important people merchandise with like ah Denzel, ah if you know lot of ways, character. Yes, yes, yes. right like This is going to sound weird for me to say, as someone who loves game shows as much as I do.
00:32:52
Speaker
If I could be on one dropout show, it's very important people, and it's not even close. I... find that surprising because despite your love of improv, which I think that would give you an opportunity, and despite the fact that I have seen you like in a costume playing a character before, i don't think of you as someone who would enjoy having like like the the elaborate prosthetics and costumery of of a VIP character.
00:33:23
Speaker
I think it would be fun the one time. The... the Perfect Matt Wilson answer. Thank you. um'll be Yes, check out Round and Round. um There is a reveal in that movie. I wouldn't call it a twist. I would definitely call it a reveal that is one of the most bonkers things I've ever seen in any kind of of a Hallmark holiday movie ah that makes the whole thing worth it. ah But ah Vic Michaelis continues to be a delight, so check that out. Matt, what is bringing you joy in this holiday season?
00:34:01
Speaker
Chris, have we ever really talked about Summoning Salt on this show? I believe we have a couple times. Well, I don't know if I've ever... I when I have discussed it with other friends of ours. I i don't recall if we've discussed it on the show.
00:34:15
Speaker
I don't know if I've ever recommended Summoning Salt or his videos on... the show, but I'm doing it now and I'm, I'm recommending one specific video as, as well.
00:34:27
Speaker
So if you don't know who summoning salt is or or what the, the channel is, it's a YouTube channel. And summoning salt is also the guy's name, um, about particularly specifically speed running video games and the various records for speed runs from like the past 30 years.
00:34:48
Speaker
and i enjoy i like I don't even care about speedrunning that much. like I'm not a speedrun player. so like i i i want to enjoy I'm going to get the most enjoyment out of playing the game. I'm going to try to 100% it. I'm going to go for the Platinum Trophy.
00:35:08
Speaker
i'm I'm not interested in beating it as quickly as possible, and I really don't care about like the kind of glitch stuff. But I am fascinated by the sort of culture of speedrunning records.
00:35:25
Speaker
And so so Summoning Salt vis videos are great for that. And um his latest video is specifically about the record for beating Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
00:35:39
Speaker
a Notably, not your favorite game, but Up There. Up There, yeah. One I will play anytime I'm i'm given the opportunity.
00:35:51
Speaker
And the the essentially, like for a long time, it was considered that two minutes and ten seconds in the first round was the fastest you could beat Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!!
00:36:08
Speaker
This video is about getting down to below two minutes. Which it's, it's a little weird. The timing in punch out is a little weird because the seconds are actually sort shorter than a real second.
00:36:22
Speaker
Um, but you're good. They're going by the timer, the in-game timer. And also like they're counting frames to determine like, you know, nanoseconds and stuff.
00:36:38
Speaker
Um, but, or milliseconds, I guess. But, uh, This video is so entertaining because it's specifically summoning Salt talking about himself as a speedrun world record holder. Because he holds the record for beating Mike Tyson the fastest. And has for a long time.
00:36:59
Speaker
And it's it's really, really enjoyable. And ah I watched it recently and was just enthralled. by like all the attempts, all the work, all the time that got put into you know this attempt, this this push to beat Mike Tyson in less than two minutes. And all the strategy and theory and like community work that goes into beating one of these records. And that's something you all often find out um if you watch Summoning Salt's videos. It's like,
00:37:35
Speaker
There is competition in the community for for world records, for speedruns for video games, but there's also a lot of like working together to figure out the best strategies. And then it's just, whoever can execute that strategy best gets the record.
00:37:54
Speaker
It's a very interesting like competitive environment. ah and And I think... that That channel and those videos are really fascinating. But in particular, the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! one.
00:38:06
Speaker
it's It's not even the first Mike Tyson's Punch-Out! video Summoning Salt has made. Because there's another one just about like beating all of Punch-Out! the fastest.
00:38:17
Speaker
um But this one in particular about beating Mike Tyson is is really great. ah So that's my joy. That brought me a lot of joy this week. Chris, with that, it's time to talk about this week's comics.
00:38:33
Speaker
Let's do it.
00:38:36
Speaker
The texter's choice for this week, I would say, was G.I. i Joe number 323.
00:38:44
Speaker
Chris, you texted a panel where a Cobra Commander says a classic G.I. i Joe line, but with a twist. Yeah, ah because you know Cobra Commander and Destro aren't really getting along ever since... ah Destro beat the shit out of Cobra Commander?
00:39:02
Speaker
Like six months ago? You remember, we were delighted by that. that's harder Destro has taken over Springfield, and ah Cobra Commander is talking about the situation And he reveals Destro doesn't know that they have secret vehicles and playsets hidden all over town, ready to to launch a counterattack.
00:39:24
Speaker
And oh Major Blood says, all the while, Destro believes you have nothing left. And Cobra Commander says, absolutely. And not knowing that, he loses half the battle.
00:39:35
Speaker
Oh, Larry. Still got it. Still got it. One of the best. One of the best to ever do it. I don't have a ton to say about the rest of this issue. It's a lot of kind of just like ah you know game pieces, puzzle pieces moving into place ah for for an an oncoming showdown between these various factions or offshoots of Cobra.
00:40:02
Speaker
But it is hilarious to me how G.I. Joe, a real American hero... is not about G.I. Joe at all anymore. it is Not all about usually, yeah.
00:40:14
Speaker
It is all about these the the various divisions of Cobra fighting amongst themselves. It's it's always Sunny and Springfield, Matt. Yes. ah That is so funny to me, and so like indicative of where we are, I feel like, in the world, where it's just um various bad people fighting with each other. It's often...
00:40:37
Speaker
frustrating to me when people emphasize villains over heroes as protagonists. Because, you know, like fundamentally, villains serve a different role in the story. But not when it's Cobra Commander and Destro.
00:40:50
Speaker
Not when it's those two dudes. ill I'll read about those two dudes hating each other 40 years. easily ah It's a very a fun issue, but we don't have a ton to say about it.
00:41:04
Speaker
um An issue I think we have far more to say about is Absolute Batman number 15, which unveils the origin of the Absolute Joker. Now, this is not the first time we've seen the Absolute Joker.
00:41:20
Speaker
No, we've we've we've seen him. We saw him in... ah ah but Oh, what's the Absolute Evil? Absolute evil, yeah. saw We saw him there. And Matt, this guy? Matt, he doesn't laugh.
00:41:32
Speaker
He doesn't laugh. He never laughs. And and that's that's really all absolute evil established, right? Is that he doesn't laugh. like that's That's his his gimmick. he's He's the Joker that doesn't laugh.
00:41:45
Speaker
This establishes so many other things about this Joker. ah He is maybe immortal. yeah Matt, I've heard people talk about three Jokers.
00:41:59
Speaker
ah But I've never heard people talk about five Jokers that are secretly one Joker. That are secretly one guy. yeah so So a lot of this issue is a briefing that Alfred is giving Bruce about like the history of the Joker.
00:42:17
Speaker
And how he's this guy, or his quote-unquote great-great-great-grandfather was this guy named um Joseph or Jack Grimm, who was this kid who wore like clown makeup and had this incredible ability to make people laugh. But then it's revealed that it was actually laughing gas that made the everybody laugh.
00:42:39
Speaker
And also he killed them all. yeah and And then there are these various generations of... Jack Grimm's over the years who own very successful businesses of different kinds. And also we learned that they always um play both sides against each other in any conflict and ah are profiteering off of off of whatever conflict happens to be going on at the time.
00:43:15
Speaker
So this Joker, in addition to being possibly immortal, five generations of a family who were all the same guy, goes owns a bunch of different islands where he like goes and hunts the most dangerous game?
00:43:29
Speaker
Because he is a ah creepy immortal monster man, um he will kidnap someone he doesn't like and put them on an island for 30 years.
00:43:40
Speaker
And then he'll kill them. Yes. Like, then he'll hunt them for sport. um Which when he is truly hilarious. And when he does, he turns into an absolutely hideous, like, horned monster ah with multiple rows of teeth.
00:44:00
Speaker
Like, think about the Green Goblin from Ultimate Spider-Man. Times, like, ten.
00:44:06
Speaker
Also, he's just, like, regular DC Comics Bruce Wayne. yes He has a a manor and a butler and a cave and a ah clock that he has to set to 1047 p.m.
00:44:20
Speaker
yeah to access his secret passage to his cave headquarters. I was hollering. It... right Like... Look, this is in danger of becoming several hats on top of each other.
00:44:37
Speaker
But I actually love it. Here's the thing. There is a point where so where so many hats become hilarious. Yes. like There is a point where, how many hats can we fit on this guy?
00:44:53
Speaker
Yeah. it's and This is many hats. The thing that gets me about it is that I feel like there's a weird meta thing going on here. um We've talked a little bit about... you know Scott Snyder doesn't write like Grant Morrison in the way that...
00:45:12
Speaker
that I feel like, you know, Al Ewing takes a lot of like technical influence from Grant Morrison. But I know Scott Snyder is and is a Morrison guy. ah Like, and particularly, you know, they were working on Batman at the same time. And he was a ah fan of that run ah for four years before he,
00:45:31
Speaker
ah Jumped on and became the writer of Detective Comics. What is revealed about the Joker in this issue is basically all of the stuff that the Joker tried to get Batman to believe in Endgame. in Yeah, that's true. In Batman Endgame, the story where Batman and the Joker both die.
00:45:55
Speaker
And I find that to be kind of fascinating. Because that's either like a, a hey, you know if you're if you're somebody who has followed this particular career for the past 15 years, you know from 2011 to now, then you're going to get like a, oh, okay, so this is that version of the Joker.
00:46:19
Speaker
But also, eat strikes me as being like, Yeah, you know, like, i i made up all that stuff about, you know, Joker made up all that stuff about being a weird immortal clown demon.
00:46:31
Speaker
a weird ah violator, parentheses, clown. ah But what if he wasn't? Like, what if he didn't make that up? What if he wasn't lying?
00:46:42
Speaker
And I feel like Scott Snyder is the kind of person who would like noodle on that idea for, what, like you know six, seven years? Yeah.
00:46:53
Speaker
Before bringing it into play with Absolute Batman. And I find that, personally, like very fascinating. Well, it's it's funny. like As soon as Joker showed up, like I didn't even think about it in Absolute Evil.
00:47:07
Speaker
But as soon as Joker showed up in this issue... and he looked kind of like Bruce Wayne, and he had a private plane, I was like, huh, I wonder if this version of the Joker is going to be like some kind of weird inverse Bruce Wayne.
00:47:22
Speaker
And then he was. Yeah. yeah And I think that's that's also really fun for the Batman who you know grew up poor in Crime Alley with his friends the Penguin, the Riddler, and Killer Croc.
00:47:35
Speaker
Yes. like there's yeah There's a lot of fun to be had. like i i do feel like you know the the The kind of mission statement of like what would we want these characters to be about if they were created today instead of being created in 1940. And you know Superman is an environmental space leftist.
00:47:55
Speaker
And Batman's not a billionaire, because fuck billionaires. And so the Joker is a billionaire. Yeah, the Joker's a billionaire, and fuck that guy. yeah Joker's a tech billionaire. Makes perfect sense. that There's one page in here about... like the one who was supposedly born in the 70s, who like made a bunch of money off of video games.
00:48:17
Speaker
And it's like, in the absolute universe, the Joker invented the NES. Yeah, man. yeah Really makes you wonder what Scott Snyder thinks about Shigeru Miyamoto.
00:48:31
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Or Jock, who is the artist on this who drew that. Jock, who like... Boy, that's that's getting the band back together. No, man. i You ain't kidding.
00:48:43
Speaker
Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. Yeah, very good stuff. Great issue. Speaking of a great issue, Supergirl number eight, which is just like a little Christmas issue about Supergirl remembering that she had a robot of herself.
00:49:00
Speaker
Yeah. it's ah I love this Silver Age-ass cover. You know? but i's not just it's It's not just the cover. It's like the cover and then the first like four pages. Yes.
00:49:12
Speaker
yeah Going back to ah linda having a Kara as Linda having a superhero robot. I love that this is a Christmas story and also like a story about kind of like feeling bad at Christmas and also a weird horror story.
00:49:30
Speaker
great. it's great yeah I know we say it every month. Sophie Campbell gets it. Sophie Campbell's got it. Sophie Campbell really gets it. This legitimately might be my favorite comic of the year. Like the like the run on Supergirl. the the As a whole. yeah As a whole.
00:49:52
Speaker
It's so nice to just read a fun comic book. Yeah, that's still like smart and still like yeah i mean it's interesting and... Just saying it's a fun comic book, I feel like is selling it short because it sounds like we were saying it doesn't have anything to say. But it does have something to say. like This ends up being about like
00:50:19
Speaker
Linda realizing that you can't save everyone as a superhero and you have to appreciate the people around you. And like that's beautiful. like it I feel like every issue ends up having that kind of like thing to chew on without being like you know preachy about it, um while also being extremely fun.
00:50:43
Speaker
Yeah, it it is a it is a story about feeling bad at Christmas because you're focused on what you've lost instead of what you have. yeah And then how that's like it And it does that without being like a a sad 1989 Christmas special.
00:51:03
Speaker
Right, yeah. I think that's the magic of it. That that it can it can be about that kind of stuff without getting bogged down with it.
00:51:15
Speaker
Yeah. Good shit. Yeah, one ah one of the best comics going like consistently... month in, month out. like An absolute joy to read. loved that it... Like Metamorpho, the Steve Lieber, Al Ewing Metamorpho, was a like Silver Age throwback in a very specific way of Al Ewing...
00:51:40
Speaker
Al Ewing said that he wasn't trying to do a Bob Haney impression. That's just how you write metamorpho, and I agree with that. But there's a lot of you know Silver Age metamorpho in that. it's ah It's a little bit of a throwback in a lot of ways.
00:51:55
Speaker
This is a throwback in a very different kind of way, where nothing about it doesn't feel modern, except it's like, what if comics never stopped being this?
00:52:07
Speaker
yeah And it's like, yeah yes, that is the that is the preferred universe. Alright, that is going to do it for our comics reviews, which means, Chris, it's time to rate some swords.
00:52:20
Speaker
Let's do it. but when i swing my swordres the ya chop a po Chris, our first submission of a sword comes from Joshua Golden, and I don't think we're going to rate it.
00:52:32
Speaker
I think it's going to get disqualified, but it is appropriate. Okay. This time of year. okay Josh says, hey my dudes, got a sword submission that I swear isn't me trying to break the system.
00:52:47
Speaker
i i i i I'm already... like That has primed me. also I'm pre-angry. ah Also, a backup in case it gets dequeued, but I think we've already established that if we dequeue it because you sent in something...
00:53:06
Speaker
we won't rate because it's not a sword, then you don't get your backup. You don't get a backup. You don't get a backup. Joshua says, this sword requires a bit of theater of the mind and whimsy of a child. I'm submitting the empty cardboard tube of Christmas wrapping paper that your mom left by the trash after wrapping presents when you were between eight and ten years old.
00:53:27
Speaker
Okay. Now, okay, I've come back around to being delighted. It whimsical. It is whimsical, and there is something about the power of belief, Matt.
00:53:43
Speaker
Yeah. I saw i saw a great ah ah a great little internet joke. that are You've seen these jokes on the internet? Do you know about these?
00:53:56
Speaker
You heard about these? Heard about these jokes on the internet that people make? um Where it was that scene from... ah from Lord of the Rings, ah right before the Battle of Helm's Deep, where ah that kid's getting ready to go fight ah against this army of 10,000 orcs.
00:54:16
Speaker
Aragorn goes, this is a good sword. ah But he was holding a cardboard tube. That's good. That's fun. And he was like, he was like the caption was like me every year oh ah when we when when we're out of wrapping paper.
00:54:32
Speaker
And I gotta say, that spoke to me.
00:54:37
Speaker
This does not count, though, right? This is not a sword. No. It's not. But it kind of is. Look, if we count this, we are going to get so much pushback for other stuff we've disqualified.
00:54:54
Speaker
Matt, I don't care. ah It's our show. We can do whatever we want. You don't care because I have to deal with it. i Correct!
00:55:12
Speaker
I don't see it, ever. Only when you only win you forward it to me. It's not a sword. I don't think it goes on the list. Because compared to what we have on the list, i don't I don't think it holds up. But I do not consider this an attempt to break the system, and I do like that this requires the belief of a child, which is very Christmassy.
00:55:40
Speaker
Yes, it's... ah okay i think Okay, so are you saying we we will do the backup? I think we can do the backup, because I do now believe that this was not an attempt to break the system, and I i just don't think the way that we have rated the other swords apply to this, which often is the other swords.
00:56:07
Speaker
Okay. okay How many times has this cardboard tube been Conan's sword? Or the six-fingered sword of Domingo Montoya? Or the master sword?
00:56:18
Speaker
It is all of these and more. All these things and more. That's what a christmas to Christmas wrapping paper tube means to me, my love. Correct.
00:56:30
Speaker
um Okay. Then in that case, we will consider the backup. Okay. Which is Funk Freed from One Piece. The sword that ate that a devil fruit and that lets it turn into an elephant.
00:56:45
Speaker
I haven't gotten there yet. That sounds dumb as hell.
00:56:50
Speaker
it's And it's honestly, it's so difficult with One Piece in particular to figure out if something is dumb brackets good or dumb brackets bad.
00:57:03
Speaker
Do you want to rate rate it by vibes, or do you want to wait until you get there in one piece? I mean, I'm looking at it, and honestly, by vibes, it's pretty fucking great.
00:57:16
Speaker
It is an elephant that's a sword. But that's the thing. is like like There's a gun that ate the devil fruit and became a dog. It's not dog that ate the devil fruit and became a gun.
00:57:30
Speaker
but Which would make more sense. This is a sword that eats a devil fruit and becomes an elephant. This is a sword that eats a devil fruit and becomes an elephant. that does How? you're You're fucking with me, Oda.
00:57:45
Speaker
Oda-san, you're fucking with me at this point. And I don't appreciate being fucked with. That's fair.
00:57:54
Speaker
I do like that. but I mean, I'm looking at pictures of it. This elephant looks happy as hell. So I do like that aspect of it. It is a cute elephant, if nothing else. Reading One Piece and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure this year has really made me happy that we live in a world where you can be a massive worldwide success and not bother to make any sense.
00:58:15
Speaker
Yeah. You can establish rules but that do you then immediately break.
00:58:27
Speaker
Well, I think it's a matter of audience, right? Like, to to some audiences of some pieces of work, that matters a lot.
00:58:38
Speaker
And to other audiences of other pieces of work, they don't give a fuck. ah Yeah, I mean, that's true. But we have debated, Matt, you and i what constitutes a story. Yeah. Yeah.
00:58:54
Speaker
And i have said it is it is a series of events arranged sequentially. Maybe not in chronological order, but they there is a sequential sequence of events.
00:59:11
Speaker
I would say that they do also have to follow logically. For some, like, at at some element.
00:59:21
Speaker
Like, there has to be some kind of consistency. Otherwise, you're looking at separate stories. And I feel like often, One Piece is several separate stories.
00:59:35
Speaker
But also, that's a difficult thing. You know, that's kind of in the eye of the beholder, I guess. To a degree. Okay, do you want to... Do you want to give this a rating, or are we going to hold off? I will theoretically get to this, and I don't want to i don't want to rank i don't want to rate it without knowing the the whole story of it.
01:00:00
Speaker
yeah Ideally, I would have gotten to it, because my initial goal was to read 100 chapters of One Piece a month in 2025, and that did not happen, because it's there's a lot of really boring stuff in there.
01:00:14
Speaker
Yeah. oh But ah ah ah theoretically, I will get to this at some point. So I feel like, like i don't i don't know if that elephant is a turf.
01:00:28
Speaker
Great point. i I doubt it, but great point. Yeah. I doubt it too, but you never know. And that would be a zero. That would be a zero. Even though the scale starts at one, it would be a zero. If a sword can become an elephant, then a sword can do all kinds of things that I may not agree with.
01:00:48
Speaker
There's not a zero in Roman numerals. but we It's true. went Famously, a gift from our friends in Arabia. That's right. But we would have to figure out a way.
01:01:00
Speaker
All right, so we're going to table that and and appreciate the whimsy of the cardboard tube, even though it is not a sword. I mean, let's be very clear. It's not a sword.
01:01:13
Speaker
I feel like as is as is occasionally the case, you got the discussion you wanted. Yeah. All right, our next submission is from Charles Arthur, which is a bottom chopper.
01:01:28
Speaker
It's the X-Blade, or as it's pronounced, the Chi-Blade. The Kai-Blade. Is it Kai-Blade? Well, because it's a Key-Blade. Oh, I see. Yeah, you get it, right?
01:01:41
Speaker
From Kingdom Hearts 3, I wanted to find the most ridiculous item that could still be so called a sword, and the Key-Blade definitely fits the bill. Now, I did say that I would play all of Kingdom Hearts if anyone bought me the Kingdom Hearts collection. And Annie Creighton, our good friend, did buy me the Kingdom of Hearts collection.
01:02:01
Speaker
And as I believe I said on this show, it's really challenging to imagine playing more of it than I have. Which is about two hours. Okay.
01:02:12
Speaker
Yeah. However, I have had many discussions about the Kai Blade. And Matt... You call this thing a ah bottom chopper all you want, I think it actually fucking rules.
01:02:25
Speaker
I think i think that it's so dumb. So it's two keyblades together ah that then become like a sort of laser sword?
01:02:41
Speaker
Sure. Coming out of the top? Uh, it it is It is the inspiration for all Keyblades. Because also it's the original Keyblade.
01:02:52
Speaker
It has keychain on it that is itself. Yeah. Yeah. this thing This thing looks like some a souvenir you would buy at Disney World. It's...
01:03:10
Speaker
I don't want you to get the idea that it's not the dumbest thing in the world, because it absolutely is. Yeah. Yeah. But it, again, you put enough hats on it, and eventually it becomes, how many can we put on this thing?
01:03:24
Speaker
You can fit so many hats on this, baby. it's so It is a lot of hats in one sword. Matt, did you know that ah it was believed that many fought for possession of the Kai Blade ah in the ancient Keyblade War? Though it was ultimately destroyed and shattered into 20 pieces, 7 of light and 13 of darkness.
01:03:43
Speaker
Did you know that? I mean, makes perfect sense. Makes perfect sense. Yeah. 7 of light and 13 dark, obviously.
01:03:54
Speaker
Of course. I mean, those are the light and dark numbers. How do you hold it
01:04:04
Speaker
I guess you hold it by the middle, like by the part that's between the handles. that's That's the way the guy in the photo I'm looking at is holding it. Photo. i Image. photographic evidence of of the Kai Blade. Did you go on Goofy's Instagram, get a picture?
01:04:25
Speaker
He's holding it by the the the handle in the middle and kind of like... not Not even touching the blade, but he's got his like hand like cupped underneath the sort of laser blade thing.
01:04:39
Speaker
it's it feels It seems very difficult to hold and use, even compared to on actual keyblade, which is a poorly designed sword.
01:04:52
Speaker
It's way too long. And yeah, the the handle seems... unwieldy. Yes.
01:05:04
Speaker
Quite literally, unwieldy. Yes. Matt, i'm going to say something, and you're going to disagree with me. And the listeners are going to disagree with me. Okay. and And they're just going to have to deal with it, because I'm right.
01:05:19
Speaker
And that is, having game where you have a bunch of key-shaped swords called keyblades, and then revealing that there is one that is shaped like an X that is called the Kai Blade, because the X is the Greek letter Kai, that's as good as Weapon X is actually Weapon 10.
01:05:46
Speaker
I actually don't disagree with you. It's ah exactly as good. it's it's It's kind of exactly the same thing.
01:05:57
Speaker
Like... you know We talk about x of Swords being Cross of Swords. u huh It could also be Kai of Swords. It could be. like It could be. don't know.
01:06:13
Speaker
i don't know I don't know what to say. I i mean, look. This thing is equally good and terrible. like it It sits at some kind of strange midpoint.
01:06:26
Speaker
Between being the stupidest thing you've ever seen and kind of cool, right? Yeah. So it's gotta be a five. Matt, you know that you know that I have a dark passenger.
01:06:38
Speaker
Uh-huh. You know that I have a beast inside me that cannot be tamed. Uh-huh.
01:06:47
Speaker
I want, I know we can't, and I want so badly to give it a 10. It's not. Because that's an X. Because that's an X, but it's a V. It's a 5. i I think we do ultimately have to give it a V. Yeah. Which there is, you know, there is a V in it, if you look at it.
01:07:08
Speaker
That's true. Yeah, it's, there's, the top of the X is a V.
01:07:16
Speaker
i' um This is the note that I'm putting in here. It doesn't loop around from dumb to awesome. It's both at the same time. It's both at the same time. It's the perfect midpoint. Like, it's it's two opposing forces meeting in the middle, and they're so evenly matched that they never that they're just stuck.
01:07:43
Speaker
You know? Yeah.
01:07:52
Speaker
i think I think it kind of rules. ah
01:07:59
Speaker
Alright, our next submission is from Philip Neff.
01:08:05
Speaker
The sort I'm submitting is Ontology's End from the novel The Tide Will Erase All by Justin Hellstrom. Sorry this sword doesn't have a canon visual depiction, but the name and vibes were too great not to at least submit it.
01:08:20
Speaker
In the interest of allowing you the option of trying to rate this sword about which so little is written, without the bias of my own interpretation, I've included a few key episodes or excerpts on the blade directly from the text of the book. Okay.
01:08:32
Speaker
All right. Here's an excerpt about – oh, for context, the setting is a near-present Earth beset by absurd and inexplicable apocalyptic phenomena, seemingly wrought by mysterious, probably extra-dimensional beings the narrator refers to as angels.
01:08:49
Speaker
Seven is the owner of the sword.
01:08:54
Speaker
So is it kind of like Evangelion? I wouldn't know. Alright, name. This is the section about the name. This the passage about its origin.
01:09:12
Speaker
if an entity were blessed with the edge of ontology's end that entity was made known its purpose for existence observed by seven and made final
01:09:24
Speaker
the passage about its origin he had the sword before the mouth yawned open but most of the time it hung over the fireplace in his house unless he wanted to cut a pineapple in half during a party.
01:09:36
Speaker
After the angels descended, it changed, though. Sev said he fused angel technologies with the blade, and it had a limited power source, so he didn't use his magic tricks unless he absolutely had to.
01:09:51
Speaker
Power Source I ran my thumb across the blade's edge to cut myself and pressed my blood into the back Black Angel battery, It was a hypermetallic sea slug, a shape-shifting cylindrical organ connected to the hilt at the hilt to heavy wires, covered in mystic rune language, some exo-universe fuel capsule that might explode or scream or melt a hole into your eyeballs at any second.
01:10:18
Speaker
And here's a passage about the sword in action. The sword from ontology's end stretched out and curved in all the possible paths of the blade could take, though all the different times and spaces it could inhabit through all the times and spaces that it could inhabit, so that they all joined into our reality under Seven's control to become the long and curved path to our salvation.
01:10:39
Speaker
He pointed with his free hand to the telescope, and Ed laughed. Anto's blade ribbons clanged back into proper sword position, and Seven spun him as hard as he could at Ed's face.
01:10:54
Speaker
She caught his swing, flung Seven back into his telescope. All at once, the magnolia blossoms fell from the tree. Cupped leaves drifted between Seven and Ed like the final frame of some classic movie.
01:11:07
Speaker
Then Ontology's end extended, pushing Ed right through the deck railing as the weapons shot out and stretched five stories all the way to the ground. More sword links branched off and stabbed through her wrists and legs, and then they all retracted back into a single blade.
01:11:26
Speaker
I mean, so it's it's a it's a sword that runs on blood that can become multiple blades. And grow to...
01:11:38
Speaker
Many stories in length. Five stories in length. kids So kind of like Wonder Woman's sword. Yeah, kind of I feel like i would have... These are good excerpts to provide, because I feel like I get kind of the vibe.
01:11:52
Speaker
But I don't know if it's enough for me to rank the entirety of the sword. Yeah. Because will say it sounds pretty cool, but... Also...
01:12:04
Speaker
ah sound a lot like Evangelion, from what I understand. It's a little hard to picture. It is hard to picture.
01:12:14
Speaker
i mean, it sounds cool. sounds but almost sword abstraction. It sounds very abstract. it's it's ah it's almost a sword as an abstraction like it sounds very abstract Yeah.
01:12:33
Speaker
Which i think would be ah you know related to ah the the phrasing of ontology. like it is It is ontologically a sword. Yes, yes, yes. Which is ah which is interesting.
01:12:46
Speaker
But is it interesting in a way that is more interesting than like like the Kurgan sword? Hard to say. Hard to say. Without reading the book myself.
01:12:58
Speaker
So you don't want to try to attempt to... rate it. yeah Based on these passages. I kind of get the vibe, but I feel like the vibes like the the ranking vibes feel incomplete to me.
01:13:14
Speaker
If I were going to give it a rating, I feel like it makes sense for it to be a 7. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Its owner is named 7.
01:13:28
Speaker
Yes. And it' see it just feels like a 7 to me. if If I were going to give it a rating, it would be 7. I mean, a a sword that runs on blood and and angel batteries and fucking...
01:13:43
Speaker
turns five stories tall and like has ribbons of light that tear through flesh and retract into a sword shape. That's pretty fucking cool. Yeah, it's I think this is the bad version of Hats on Hats, though. like It is kind of too many things. So you're saying this is like ah Dark Excalibur, the Thirsting Blade Dark Excalibur Megagenesis? Yeah.
01:14:07
Speaker
It's very much like when you play a pretend game as a kid and you just start making up new rules for your thing as soon as you need them. you know like like Again, I haven't read the book, but just reading these passages, it just feels like new things are getting added to ontology's end every time it's discussed.
01:14:30
Speaker
Yeah. Which I think I could dig. But like that's the thing. It could go either way. It could go either way, yeah. like I could really enjoy that. Yeah.
01:14:42
Speaker
I mean, you know, like ah I don't need to talk about a certain sword that was created in the first age. And then broken at the end of the second age. And then forged in the third age. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
01:14:55
Speaker
But you know. you know, you know. if you know you know Okay, so we're going to say we're going to say more information needed for this. Philip, if you want to send in an addendum, we'll consider it.
01:15:10
Speaker
this It does seem like the Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan of sorts. it's Very much so. Very much so. Shit, actually, that makes me want to rank it really high. Tim Maytom sends in this submission.
01:15:25
Speaker
Tim says, my previous line-stepper selection, Beacon from the Adventure Zone, got scooped, so here's a new one. The sword belonging belonging to Rita Vrataski, the Angel of Verdun, a.k.a. the Full Metal Bitch, in the movie Edge of Tomorrow, which, in case you had forgotten, is made from the tall tail rotor blade of a helicopter and is used to slice up a whole bunch of aliens.
01:15:52
Speaker
I have not seen that movie. Because i fundamentally do not understand the appeal of Tom Cruise. and But you you were just talking about how much you like ah how much you like ah time loop movies. This is the second time this film has come up on this very episode.
01:16:11
Speaker
Yes. And yet, i like i I will say, don't don't don't call her that. that's That's a mean thing to call someone. Don't call her that. it's It's the name of the sort.
01:16:25
Speaker
Yeah, but the but the the late, it wait, it's the name of the sword? It's the name of the sword. Oh, well, don't call the sword that. That's that's also rude.
01:16:35
Speaker
I mean, i'm looking at this, and it looks like, it's pretty cool that the sword is made from a helicopter rotor. Yeah, it's got like the... Damn, would think this was a John Landis movie.
01:16:47
Speaker
Wow. Wow. Wow.
01:16:53
Speaker
You might want to cut that out. That's not very Christmassy.
01:17:00
Speaker
I mean, it's what happened. It is what happened. ah I think this sword looks fucking rad. No, it's it's extremely cool.
01:17:12
Speaker
That it's still got like all the like serial number stuff, or all the numbers and shit from the helicopter rotor on it. um That's great.
01:17:25
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. it it is like It is like... when you say When you talk about like cyberpunk as a concept, I feel like that's it.
01:17:36
Speaker
that is That is cyberpunk as a sword.
01:17:41
Speaker
yeah like it it's it It's weird, because you would think like it would look like something from Fallout, and it doesn't. like It yeah has kind of like Fallout-y vibes of like repurposing this thing,
01:17:54
Speaker
but like it It looks... Yeah, like like... Cyberpunk is kind of the word for it, I think. yeah i mean Also, it is very funny that this sword is wielded by Emily Blunt.
01:18:07
Speaker
So it like it... So for her, it looks like the Dragon's Lair. Oh, I thought you meant because her name is Blunt. Oh, no. I mean because she's a Hollywood actress.
01:18:18
Speaker
And it's a sword, so it's so it's sharp. Yeah. I mean, I guess Emily Blunt's So... so I mean, I think she's she's taller than Thomas Maypother.
01:18:30
Speaker
But i don't know I don't know for sure. People really like that guy. Some people do, yeah. Not me, though. Not me. Don't get him. I mean, I enjoy some movies that he's in.
01:18:45
Speaker
I mean, yeah. Like... I mean, like, yeah he's fine. Him being in that movie is... so weird, though.
01:18:56
Speaker
Yeah. i There are people I'm, i'm like, ah fan of, and that I enjoy their work, and weirdly they all work for Nebula, who are huge fans of the Mission Impossible series of movies.
01:19:10
Speaker
The Mission and Impossible movies are fun, but like I feel like he's kind of the worst part of them. I think they are fine. I mean, you talk about ninety s action movies.
01:19:22
Speaker
Or, like, here's another one. Every Mission Impossible movie I watch, I'm like, that was fine. But like I don't get excited about them. But there are at least two commentators who I think are very smart and very good for whom Mission and Impossible is their favorite movie series.
01:19:41
Speaker
That's weird. Yeah. Because there's not really a lot to them. I mean, I guess there's some practical stunts in them. Yeah, that's fun.
01:19:53
Speaker
And, you know, the okay, great. But, you know, as i've as I've said before, like, I don't find Tom Cruise doing his own stunts to be very, to be, like, like impressive.
01:20:08
Speaker
Because, like, he thinks he's gonna, like, bodily ascend to, like, he's in a cult. So, like, yeah, I would probably jump off cliffs and shit, too.
01:20:21
Speaker
yeah Also, like there's a reason why big-name actors don't do their own stunts. And it's not because they don't want to do them. It's because like if you get hurt, the whole movie shuts down for months.
01:20:39
Speaker
Yeah.
01:20:41
Speaker
So like is it actually good that he does those? Or is he putting the livelihoods of all the crew working on the movie at risk? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. i you know may I don't get him. This sword's pretty fucking cool, though. I will say that.
01:21:00
Speaker
Sword's cool. Again, haven't seen the movie, but I feel like we can judge this sword pretty well on vibes. Yeah, yeah this is This is one we can absolutely judge on vibes. Seven.
01:21:12
Speaker
You think it's seven? what do you What would you say?
01:21:18
Speaker
Like, I don't think 7's wrong. I think we both saw it and thought, wow, that's cool. Yeah. It's instantly cool looking. I am... I'm very curious to know the narrative reason why it's a helicopter blade with a handle on it and why it's not like nobody just made a sword.
01:21:42
Speaker
Or, alternately, a gun. Because I feel like... You know, look, we all like swords here. But if I'm fighting aliens, I don't want to be within three feet of them.
01:21:56
Speaker
Especially if I'm going to live, die, and repeat. Like Tom Cruise. Especially if all you need is kill. Yeah. Remember how that thing was called All You Need Is Kill, and then they called it Edge of Tomorrow, and then it came out, and people like didn't get it, so they changed the name to Edge of Tomorrow, call him Live, Die, Repeat?
01:22:18
Speaker
I mean, Edge of Tomorrow is not a good title. I mean, it's a great title if you're the theme song to Saved by the Bill of New Class.
01:22:30
Speaker
I mean, All You Need Is Kill, like, but they were right to change the title from All You Need Is Kill. Yeah, no, All You Need Is Kill is also a bad title. Because that would not succeed as the title of a film in the United States.
01:22:44
Speaker
But I don't think... Edge of Tomorrow was the right title, either. Live, Die, Repeat is a better title. that's It's not a good title, though.
01:22:55
Speaker
It's still not a good title. um
01:23:00
Speaker
There's got to be another option. but okay What would you call this movie where tom Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt fight, I guess, aliens? That was new news to me.
01:23:14
Speaker
I didn't know that's what they were doing. um In a time loop with a sword made of a helicopter.
01:23:27
Speaker
I don't know. Do you have a title idea? I'd probably call it Helicopter Sword.
01:23:34
Speaker
i mean, that's cool, but I don't know that that really gets at the premise. Chop them. Chop them? Chop them.
01:23:47
Speaker
Groundhog Day with a helicopter sword. i mean, okay, we're getting closer. we're We're definitely getting closer. yeah Something, I mean, what I have in my head is like Meat Grinder.
01:23:59
Speaker
Meat Grinder would be a pretty good title. Yeah.
01:24:06
Speaker
I don't know that that quite gets at it, but that that was the first thing I thought of. time Time Loop Meat Grinder. Okay, yeah yeah. Is the sword made out of a helicopter blade? Is that the Edge of Tomorrow?
01:24:23
Speaker
now Now maybe we're getting somewhere. um Upon looking at the at the ah the wiki for this... you you you on Are you on
01:24:39
Speaker
Okay. um I guess... I thought the two names that I said earlier were the names of the sword, but apparently they are the names for her, for Rita Vrataski. See, that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't call her that.
01:24:54
Speaker
That's rude. i I mean, you know, war war is harsh, I guess. um
01:25:04
Speaker
So, okay, trivia. Trivia. It's never stated in the movie, but in the manga, the reason why Rita uses a melee weapon is because during her resets, she would often run out of ammo, which resulted in deaths.
01:25:15
Speaker
Okay, so she also is in a time They're both in the time loop? Everybody's in a time loop. Everybody's in a time loop. Everybody who is fighting against the aliens is in a time loop, because it's like like the government, it's part of the deal of being in the army.
01:25:34
Speaker
That you keep going back and trying until you win. okay I like that that that was the one question I had about this entire thing, and you answered it.
01:25:46
Speaker
Yeah. I know that much about All You Need Is Kill slash Edge of Tomorrow. Live, die, repeat. Yeah. I don't know why the sword is... i think it must also be a helicopter blade in the manga? Yeah.
01:26:06
Speaker
It does seem like a cool thing that would happen in a comic book. Yeah. that because Because it's like, it looks cool, and that is usually all it takes to be in a comic book.
Reader Vritasky and the Helicopter Axe
01:26:17
Speaker
That's true, yeah. ah Brackets positive.
01:26:21
Speaker
Oh, nope. Nope. In the manga, she uses an axe. is it Is that made out of a helicopter blade? No, it's just an axe. Okay.
01:26:33
Speaker
The entry... Whoever thought the ah the the sword out of a helicopter blade, that's a fun – I don't know if I want to say improvement, having not read the comic, but it is a striking visual.
01:26:49
Speaker
Well, the the the character the manga character, Reader Vritasky, has a much shorter wiki entry than the movie character. o okay Much shorter.
01:27:01
Speaker
Interesting. I think she is a minor character in the manga. It's funny how that works out sometimes. Yeah. um Anyway, I think it's a seven.
01:27:12
Speaker
like what What else do we have at seven? ah The Divine Temper, is it a seven? that's The Sword of Perseus, is it a seven? See, I'm thinking like a six. Is this cooler than the fusion sword? The sword that is also six swords?
01:27:25
Speaker
I think it's equally cool. Yeah, I think it's a six. Oh, was that also a six? Okay. That's a six, yeah. All right. We'll we'll call it a six then. It is a cool idea. i like ah ah sword made out of a helicopter blade. Cool idea.
01:27:42
Speaker
Without question. So I had to type out the full name of the film. Yeah. Okay.
Legend of the Sword of Martin
01:27:50
Speaker
Our next submission is from Neil Hirschberger.
01:27:56
Speaker
The sword of Martin the Warrior, also known as Rat Death from the novel Red Wall. I'm going get real close to the mic here, Chris. I'm going to get way up on the mic. Okay.
01:28:08
Speaker
That sword kicks ass. All right, now this this one is going to have to be all you, because I've never read Red Wall, because I don't think I would like it.
01:28:19
Speaker
It's called Rat Death, dude. I mean, yeah. Yeah. The sword is called Rat Death. Like, that is... That whips.
01:28:34
Speaker
Okay. this this This is... believe Don't get the idea that I don't believe you, because I do believe you. Yeah. This is the Andoril of the Redwall series. Okay.
01:28:45
Speaker
Alright, see, now you're now you're speaking a language that I understand. ah here's here's Here's some... It's also called The Sword of Martin. ah So Martin is the the lead character of Redwall, the original ah book Redwall. Right. um but It's him, there Gina, Cole, Pam.
01:29:08
Speaker
Shanene, but let's not talk about Shanene. Yeah. um No, so he's the hero of the original Redwall book, but then there were many, many books after that. Or no, like – It's Matthias Redwall, I think.
01:29:23
Speaker
Yeah, it's Matthias. So it is a legendary sword already by the first book. I think there are books that go back and tell the story of Martin um later in the series. But like already by the first book, this this sword is like a legendary sword that's been passed down from generation to generation. And like that sits in the Redwall Abbey the sword.
01:29:49
Speaker
the sword That like this entire society reveres. um here's Here's something from the wiki. When Martin's father gave him the sword, he stated that if Martin should have no offspring with to whom to bestow it, he should hide the blade where only a brave true warrior could find it.
01:30:09
Speaker
Hell yeah. Uh, so it's like, it's something that just gets passed down and passed down. um I, I remember in the book it being described as having kind of a reddish blade.
01:30:22
Speaker
Um, although in most of the art of it, it's just like, it just looks like a regular, like kind of steel blade. Um,
01:30:34
Speaker
Martin went on to one more quest seasons later and likely had the sword taken down. After his death, he was buried as a warrior with the sword, foreseeing where it would eventually end up. Seasons later, the spirit of Martin guided Simeon to the weapon in his tomb, where he retrieved it.
01:30:54
Speaker
I have no small amount of affection for a sword that like looks like a normal sword. Yeah. But is a big deal because of whose sword it was. Yeah. It's it's got like some like filigree and stuff like printed on it.
01:31:13
Speaker
um But yeah, it's it's more about its um
01:31:19
Speaker
lineage than anything that makes it special, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But man, it rules, dude. So does does the sword have any any powers or abilities? Again, I've never read Redwall, because all I knew about it, by the time i was aware of it, I didn't really have it as a little kid, and by the time I was aware of it, all I knew was that um like a bunch of people were like, oh yeah, that's the book where a lot of animals die. And I was like, you know what? No, thank you.
01:31:50
Speaker
I'm a sensitive boy. ah i have undiagnosed mental illness. I mean... I shan't partake. They're the kinds of animals that are basically people.
01:32:02
Speaker
Yeah, man. Like Scourge McDuck. Yeah. um But I get it. Yeah, I get it. i don't I don't really think it has any magic powers. um But I'll tell you this.
01:32:14
Speaker
There's a section of on the wiki of known wielders of the Sword of Martin... okay And it has a list of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 41 people. That's a lot of wielders of this particular sword. then it has
01:32:28
Speaker
nineteen twenty twenty one twenty two twenty three twenty four twenty five twenty six twenty seven twenty eight twenty nine thirty thirty one thirty two thirty three three four thirty five thirty six thirty seven thirty eight thirty nine forty one people that's a lot of wielders of this particular sword and then it has a a a very long list of known characters killed directly by the Sword of Martins. Okay, hell yeah. that's Now that's what I'm listening listening to. Count that shit up. ah It's not as many. It's not as many it's it's maybe like 15.
01:33:01
Speaker
um But one of them is named Bad Tooth. It's a pretty cool name, honestly. da Bad Tooth? That's pretty good. Yeah, Bad Tooth. I love the Sword of Martins, man. i i don't I don't think it's a 10. I don't think it gets to the level of the other 10s we have on the list, but boy, it's a nine.
01:33:19
Speaker
I am very excited about it just from your reaction. Yeah. like i I read the Redwall books when I was in maybe like sixth grade, which was the perfect time to be reading those books.
01:33:38
Speaker
Yeah. ah Obviously not a sensitive boy. Well, I mean, just thought of them people. Yeah.
01:33:49
Speaker
They're basically people. Yeah, and as we all know, it's okay for people to get killed. I mean, you you don't mind? You watch The Lord of the Rings. Yeah, man.
01:34:01
Speaker
and You know. You know what the problem is with The Lord of the Rings? Hit me. No dogs.
01:34:10
Speaker
Yeah, guess not. They should have had some dogs in Lord of the Rings. That would have been good. Does any anyone keep pets of any kind? Well, got horses. Those aren't pets, though.
01:34:23
Speaker
I think maybe dogs would have made the forced perspective a little difficult. That's true. that would yeah in the movie, at minimum, yeah. I mean, you know, Saruman keeps pets.
01:34:33
Speaker
His name's g Grima Wormtongue. Got him. Got his ass. Got him. Got his ass. Wow.
01:34:43
Speaker
Alright, do we have time for one more? i think we got time for one more.
Raylene Ray Razor Sharp: True Sword or Not?
01:34:47
Speaker
Alright, this is from Jolene. It's Christmas, Matt. The Season of Miracles. This is from Jolene.
01:34:55
Speaker
The talents own Raylene Ray Razorsharp Sharp, who can turn her arms and legs into swords. That's not a sword, that's a person. Jolene says, i understand if this is DQ'd.
01:35:07
Speaker
Yeah! Razorsharp's a person!
01:35:13
Speaker
so we're not go to count Razorsharp's arms and legs as swords? No!
01:35:21
Speaker
Look, closer than Wolverine's claws, for sure. yeah But that's just her arms. And legs. and And legs. That's just her limbs.
01:35:33
Speaker
I'm not going to rank the Bloodlines character razor sharp as a sword.
01:35:43
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I cannot believe her name is Ray Sharp. Comics are bad, dude. Raylene Ray of Razor Sharp Sharp.
01:35:55
Speaker
I believe a Chuck Dixon creation. Well, a a Jim Ballant creation for sure. Yeah, Chuck and the talent. yeah ah Well, but Robin Annual No. 2 is Chuck Dixon, Kieran Dwyer, and Jose Luis Garcia Lopez.
01:36:14
Speaker
So perhaps not the talent zone.
01:36:18
Speaker
Wait, okay, hang on. it's It's time to get on bloodlines.fandom.com According to the DC Fandom Wiki, raor Razor Sharp was created by Chuck Dixon and Kieran Dwyer.
01:36:35
Speaker
Yeah. Not the talent. yeah Not the talent. And it was in Robin out Annual No. 2. yeah From August 1993. Now, who created the rest of the Cyber Rats?
01:36:52
Speaker
It was Chuck Dixon and Kieran Dwyer. Yeah, probably. yeah because ah The Cyber Rats all appeared in Robin Annual Volume 2, number 2, right? ah the Razor Sharp's the only one on the cover.
01:37:05
Speaker
They're all in there. They're all in there. okay Channel, Hack Rat, Output. ah Well, output is mentioned, but doesn't appear.
01:37:18
Speaker
Megabiter. We're true cyberhead like I am. Megabiter died. Hmm. R.I.P.
01:37:27
Speaker
Mourn you till we join you. Mourn you till we join you, yeah. Razor Sharp is a person. Yes, Razor Sharp is a person. Now, okay. Can... Can we say...
01:37:42
Speaker
A sword can be a person, but a person can't be a sword.
01:37:49
Speaker
Is that a rule we can agree on? Well, swords can talk. Some swords can. Swords can be sentient. I don't know if they're people. So you would say you you would say Myron is not a person? Myron's not a person.
01:38:05
Speaker
Okay, would you and you would say Beacon's not a person? No. They're swords that are that can speak. Now, what would you say about about Stormbringer?
01:38:19
Speaker
That's not a person either.
01:38:23
Speaker
But it does have a sentience and will. Yeah. But, like, you wouldn't say... Like, if... If if if if Biscuit started talking to Maru...
01:38:39
Speaker
Uh-huh. You wouldn't say Biscuit was person? Choose your words so carefully, Matt Wilson. You would still say Biscuit was a dog. You wouldn't say Biscuit was a person. I mean, I currently refer to Biscuit as my child.
01:38:53
Speaker
So... Okay. i think that's sure like Are you telling me that if Harrison was like, hey, Dad... let me still so Let me get some of that ah let me get up that fancy feast. You'd be like, you're just a cat, not a person.
01:39:08
Speaker
i would say that i would say just a cat. He would now be a talking cat. A talking cat? A talking cat? But he would still be a cat. He wouldn't be a person.
01:39:22
Speaker
So what's the... Okay. hey So are you saying, even with the gift of sapience... A person has to be a human being. Okay. well So Spock's not a person.
01:39:35
Speaker
So Superman's not a person.
01:39:42
Speaker
That's what you're telling me right now. That's the argument you're making. Humanoid.
01:39:48
Speaker
So... A cat and a dog and a sword are all not people. I don't think this is a crazy thing to say. I could not disagree with you more, Matt.
Debate on Personhood: Fictional Entities
01:40:04
Speaker
I think if you think about this for five minutes, you will realize it is incredibly whack that you're saying this. Do you want to hear the dictionary definition of person? No, I don't want to hear the dictionary definition of person. Human.
01:40:17
Speaker
From your Satan's dictionary, from your Bible written by the devil. Human. Human is the one-word definition of person. So Optimus Prime, not a person.
01:40:28
Speaker
Optimus Prime is a robot.
01:40:32
Speaker
and And not a person. No! ah Okay, i could call it I could call Optimus Prime an individual.
01:40:43
Speaker
this is I feel like you're drafting legislation right now, and I disagree with it. Look, if you're if you don't want me to parse words, then you're talking to the wrong person.
01:40:59
Speaker
i okay I think it is bonkers that you are you are saying only humanoid-shaped
01:41:11
Speaker
mammal can be ah can be a person. Like...
01:41:19
Speaker
i don't think that's... I don't think that's crazy. It is. A talking sword is absolutely not a person.
01:41:30
Speaker
Okay. Like... Okay. Why not? if yeah If there was a group of... Human beings and talking swords gathered together.
01:41:44
Speaker
i cannot imagine saying, I'm going to go hang out with those people. I think that's, a Matt, honestly, I feel like that's a character flaw of yours. Yeah.
01:42:00
Speaker
um Well, like we've we've started a new debate that will rage. um Take Myron, take Beacon out of the equation. Bam. They're non-factors.
01:42:14
Speaker
A... Is Data a person?
01:42:22
Speaker
Now that's a good question. Because there's an episode about it, Matt. Measure of a Man, yeah. Yeah, Measure a season two.
01:42:31
Speaker
Are you going to sit there and tell me fucking Bruce Maddox was right?
01:42:38
Speaker
I think Data is a sentient being with rights. but you But you don't think he's a person? I think a person has to... i guess like What is the difference between a person and a sentient being with rights?
01:42:55
Speaker
Okay. i i Yes. so as have Being a sentient being with rights, I suppose, is personhood to a degree. Although I feel like you also have to be of humanoid shape.
01:43:09
Speaker
Which data is. So Big Bird's not a person. Big Bird is a bird. And not a person. No. You would say Big Bird doesn't have rights. No, I didn't say that. i said i I didn't say that rights were incumbent. The the the only beings with rights were people.
01:43:31
Speaker
ah Big Bird has rights. So Odo's not a person. Odo's humanoid. Sometimes. But not in his natural state.
01:43:41
Speaker
Odo's a fucking bucket of goo. In his natural state.
01:43:47
Speaker
Scooby-Doo, not a person. Scooby-Doo's a dog. Scooby-Doo can talk and feel fear. Well, lots of non-talking beings feel fear.
01:44:00
Speaker
Yeah, but Scooby-Doo fears ghosts, which I think speaks to a higher level of sapience. Eleanor absolutely fears ghosts right now. if If my cat saw a ghost in front of it, it would puff up and hiss and run away.
01:44:22
Speaker
So, Scrooge McDuck, not a person. Scrooge McDuck is a weird special case. Because Scrooge McDuck is a guy. So he's kind of like separate.
01:44:35
Speaker
but But you would also say kind of equal? I think... Does that matter? No, you you're putting words in my mouth that that I did not say. just i'm just i'm just claire I'm just asking questions, Matt.
01:44:46
Speaker
You've taken this position. And for some reason, you're not agreeing that I'm right. i Look, i I'm saying that there might be edge cases, there might be um specific exceptions, but I do not think in any case a talking sword is a person.
01:45:06
Speaker
Howard the Duck? We're talking about like certain animal anthropomorphic animal characters that are more like people than animals. it If you start as a person and get...
01:45:20
Speaker
Bitten by the bloodlines aliens. Uh-huh. And that activates your metagene. And you can turn your arms and legs into sword-like appendages. Into blades. You are not a sword, you're a person.
01:45:33
Speaker
Correct. If you start as a sword... Correct....and gain some measure of sentience and sapience... Well, okay. A sword, which is made of metal, could not be bitten by the bloodlines aliens and turn into anything.
01:45:49
Speaker
that's That's correct. A sword is superior to gunfire in that way.
01:45:57
Speaker
so Swords don't have internal organs and blood. you You just... I just realized this. Like ten minutes ago, you started talk about how all these mice from Redwall are people. they Yeah, they're people.
01:46:15
Speaker
Not by your own definition! Functionally in the story there, people. i've i'm Not since Cow Tools have I been as frustrated with you, Matt.
01:46:28
Speaker
Look, I'm willing to admit that there might be edge cases and things where we could like fudge the definition of a person, but it ain't a talking sword.
01:46:39
Speaker
i
01:46:43
Speaker
I don't think we've got any on the list. I do think Stormbringer is a sword, but also an entity of some kind. But Stormbringer doesn't even talk.
01:46:54
Speaker
Stormbringer craves souls.
01:46:59
Speaker
It has a will and and some kind of sentience. It's weird to me that Stormbringer is the one that you're insistent on being a person. Well, because Stormbringer, I think, is the closest to being a person that we have on the list.
01:47:12
Speaker
If the sword had, like, a mustache...
01:47:19
Speaker
that's That's the line! Look, no. The sword that's the closest to being a person on the list that's on our document right now is the singing sword from Roger Rabbit.
01:47:31
Speaker
No, because that's a gag. But it it has a face.
01:47:37
Speaker
You're really hung up on physical shape, Matt. I feel like that's an important part of being a person. People come in all shapes and sizes. I feel like generally but people, at at least human of beings... You would have been like, fuck those exocomps.
01:47:56
Speaker
They are not people. Kill them all. I'm not saying that I don't have ah compassion for things that aren't people.
01:48:10
Speaker
I also think it's whack that if you found out Harrison and Eleanor could talk, you wouldn't consider them people. They're not people. They're still cats. I still love them. I would love them. i I wouldn't want them harmed to be brought to them in any way.
01:48:27
Speaker
But they're not people. You would view them simply as a god views his creations. No. the i don't think of cats my cats currently as that.
01:48:39
Speaker
I didn't make them. i don't know, man. It's going to be a long ride up to Mount Premis this year. i i I think it's wild that you think an exocomp is a person. what what would you What would you call them, Matt?
01:48:53
Speaker
A being. That's the same thing! it's not You think a person is a being? I think a person is any sapient being, yes.
01:49:09
Speaker
i I disagree. know! I know! Okay, does does Data have a soul, Matt? Does Data have a soul? That's a great question.
01:49:21
Speaker
um
01:49:25
Speaker
I think he could be soulful.
01:49:29
Speaker
He did have a mustache one time. That helps. He did d have a mustache one time.
01:49:37
Speaker
I don't know Much to think about. Alright, we've got to be done with this episode. Long drive. Long drive ahead of us. It really turned did turn into a special episode for 750 in the end. ah A debate about personhood.
01:49:49
Speaker
Listeners, write in about how I'm right on this. And Matt needs to expand his definition. cannot... Yes, please let us know that a talking cat is a person.
01:50:03
Speaker
ah i You're telling me Wishbone's not a person? Wishbone is a dog. He reads books and goes on adventures. He wears little outfits. tell that Wears little outfits. did That does help. He wears little outfits. I cannot deal with it. this This might be where the show breaks. Yeah.
01:50:32
Speaker
ah If you want to get in touch with us about what a person is or isn't, um you can email us at our email address, which is warrocketpodcast at gmail.com. um We're on Tumblr, warrocketpodcast.tumblr.com.
01:50:47
Speaker
Our website is warrocketajax.com. It has every episode of the show we've ever done. We're on Blue Sky, warrocketajax.com there. ah You can also join our Discord. If you ask us nicely for an invitation to our Discord, we will get you one. Just, like I said, be nice about it, and ah we'll get you an invitation. You can join that community of WarRocketAjax listeners. It's cool place.
01:51:10
Speaker
WarRocketWiki is the fan-run repository of all the information you could want or need about this show, WarRocketAjax. If you want to find me and my stuff, go to mattdwilson.net to find links to all my stuff. Chris, where can people find to you?
01:51:24
Speaker
Everybody can find me at T-H-E-I-S-B dot com. That is my website. It's got links to all the stuff that I do.
01:51:32
Speaker
All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. We will be back next week with our annual Christmas special. Yeah, we're we're up in the cabin on Mount Premise once again for the 16th year?
01:51:46
Speaker
i believe that is correct, yes. Yeah, our 16th annual Christmas special coming up next week. Please do not miss it.
01:51:55
Speaker
It's going to be a fun one.
01:51:59
Speaker
Until then, folks, do not forget that Black Lives Matter. Trans rights are human rights. As are abortion rights. Drag is not a crime. And cops aren't your friends. Free Palestine, we love you.
01:52:11
Speaker
We love you. Yeah!