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Episode 19: Confidence & Self Esteem image

Episode 19: Confidence & Self Esteem

E19 ยท Anchored In Life
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On Episode 19, Lenise and Allie tackle confidence and self esteem: What's the difference? How are they related? How do they change over time? Is one more important than the other? The co-hosts give examples of how their confidence and self esteem ebb and flow throughout their lives. They also give listeners some great resources to learn more. Join the convo!

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Transcript

Staying Anchored and Confident

00:00:02
Speaker
One of the best feelings in life is feeling anchored. When the waves of life come, you stay confident, stable, and secure. So how do we stay connected in a world full of distractions? We think honest conversations can help.

Introduction to Anchored in Life

00:00:17
Speaker
I'm Allie. And I'm Linise. Two friends who just want to chat about how to be our best selves. Thanks for joining us. This is Anchored in Life.

Universe's Call to Record

00:00:31
Speaker
Second, third, time's a charm. Hey, the universe doesn't want us to record this, so this means that everyone needs to hear it. Absolutely.

Self-Esteem vs Confidence

00:00:40
Speaker
We are talking about competence. And you know I think that we can all, from time to time, use some help in that area. And Ali, as we know, there is a difference between self-esteem and competence. But I don't think people necessarily look at them as being different. And I should also add that just because you have confidence, it doesn't mean that you are a narcissist or arrogant. Yeah.
00:01:11
Speaker
We've talked about this before because we're both very confident people. And I always wonder what people, I don't care what people think, but I do wonder, do they think I'm a narcissist because I just don't really doubt myself, especially in public. yeah we We had talked about, ah you and I before too, about this is the time where you'd think my confidence or self-esteem, either one would would be low because I'm a new mom, my daughter's a month old. And what I thought about myself and my competence has been ringing true because I haven't really doubted myself.

Definitions and Differences

00:01:47
Speaker
Yeah, let's get into it because I think it's really important to, let's first, the difference between the two. They should not be used interchangeably in a sentence because they are different. They're related but different. They can overlap. Exactly.
00:02:03
Speaker
so Self-esteem refers to whether you appreciate and value yourself, and that can change and develop because of our life experiences and the people in our lives, unfortunately, for so most of the time, it's not in the good way. And then self-confidence is our belief in ourselves and our abilities. I kind of see it as self-confidence being kind of an overarching umbrella and the self-esteem being the more day-to-day ebb and flow of your self-esteem. I'm trying not to use the word confidence when I'm talking about self-esteem as to not confuse. How are you walking around in your daily life ah in in terms of how you feel about the value of what you're doing?
00:02:47
Speaker
The way I simplify it is how do you feel about yourself? How do you value or love yourself when we're talking about self-esteem? Confidence to me is is how well you can control other aspects of your life. So public speaking, I'm confident that I'm a good public speaker. I can get in front of a crowd and deliver that speech or conference, whatever it is, I'm confident in that ability. I can control that. But how do I feel when I'm on the stage? Do I feel as though I am connecting? you know That speaks more to your self-esteem.

External Feedback's Impact

00:03:28
Speaker
hu And how you feel after? Like when you get off the stage, are you what kind of things are you saying to yourself? Yes. And then how does that affect your future? Like if you had to do back-to-back events or something, would the first one affect the second? For me, it would. An example for me, you know we we like examples on this podcast. I was a news reporter, as many of you know. If you're new, I was a news reporter before and now I'm a marketing director, but I had all the confidence in the world of myself and in my education that I was a solid news reporter. I still knew I had a lot to learn and I would lean on more seasoned news reporters to teach me, but I also got in front of the camera and knew that I could do this job.
00:04:13
Speaker
However, there were circumstances and people that would affect my game, and my self-esteem had very, very low points and very, very high points, and it really was contingent on comments from other people. I don't love that that's what happened, but I was young and very moldable. And I wanted to impress people, especially my boss and and people. We had viewers, you know, they they tell you when they don't like something. And so that could kind of throw me off. And and so it's interesting to know that you can be a confident person, but your self-esteem can be all over the place, basically by the hour, which is frustrating.
00:04:54
Speaker
I do want to elaborate on what you were saying there. In the news business, it it is a very it is very opinionated in that you you have a ah job where you're constantly judged. You are judged by your peers, you're judged by the people watching you, and you're judged by your management team. And then on top of all of that, you have the judgment of yourself. So it can be a lot. And I know and i don't want to say that the news industry or being on television is unique in that way. I'm sure every other industry and field, people get waitresses, for example.
00:05:35
Speaker
um Oh my gosh. I can't imagine the amount of, we'll just say feedback that that you get. But when it's constant, absolutely it can affect your self-esteem. So i I say all that ah to say that your experience and how it made you feel is absolutely normal.

Building Self-Esteem Authentically

00:05:57
Speaker
And I think sometimes your self-esteem can take a bigger hit if you are doubting what you're feeling. Right. And there were times, you know, as we think about the impact of low self esteem, when it starts touching your level of confidence, I think that's the red flag of ah this can't stay like this for much longer, because I do remember times where
00:06:22
Speaker
i did start to doubt my a ability to just be a news reporter and that's when i started getting really in my head and then i couldn't do live shots or i couldn't write well because it was like a brain block. And that doesn't just happen at work. That can happen when you're thinking about being a ah good or bad parent or a sister or whatever it is. you just If it starts affecting your confidence, I think that's why this is a worthy topic to talk about. yeah Because it's all about self-awareness and checking in with yourself to know that's happening.
00:07:01
Speaker
Yeah, checking in with yourself, that that is key. In order to have a healthy and balanced self-esteem, it really needs to be based on your own, and I and don't like this word because I think it's overused, but I'm going to say it because it's just the simplest way I can spit it out. Your authentic strengths, what's unique to you? What are you good and strong at? What are your values? rather than an inflated you know or fragile ego that requires you know constant external validation. It goes back, like you said, checking in with yourself. So what are you really strong at? What's authentically you?
00:07:48
Speaker
And go based on that to build your self-esteem as opposed to letting outside factors, those external validations, tear you down because they will do that. yeah And if you're like me, you have such a high expectation of yourself anyway, it's going to be a double whammy. Yeah, nothing's going to come close to what you're probably already telling yourself as your inner critic versus what someone else can say. But if you let both in, that's very powerful.

Instilling Confidence in Children

00:08:23
Speaker
Well, you have two kids.
00:08:24
Speaker
so When it comes to building confidence, this is where, as I was thinking about us talking about this, I don't know how to articulate why I'm confident. I think, yes, some of it comes down to personality, but how you're way farther along than me in this parent journey. But how do you instill confidence in not just your kids, but in the people around you? And then how much of it is the other person's responsibility to build up their confidence? And how do you even do that? So I think with parenting, and I am honest with my son and daughter about this, I am learning.
00:09:09
Speaker
I am learning. I'm doing my best. My goal is to help you become the best version of you. But at the end of the day, only you will know what that is. huh You are living in your own skin. And what I have repeatedly told my son, and he, oh gosh, thank goodness he doesn't listen to these podcasts.
00:09:33
Speaker
ah He has a an unhealthy habit of saying things that are just not helpful. He likes to flip and do a lot of tumblings, and so he will say, oh, that was trash, or oh, i I'm so awful, and oh, that so why do I look like that? And I mean, this is constant alley. He is out every day, even in this 90-plus degree heat. for hours. And if you've ever looked at someone who does tumbling, it's a combination of tricking and you're out there on the grass. He doesn't use trampolines or mats. And so you may land a flip, you may not land it. So you're slamming your body into the ground, but getting right back up and trying again.
00:10:22
Speaker
And I have to remind him, especially recently, um because I notice it really is an unhealthy habit. Do not talk down or bad about yourself. Over time, you will start to believe it. And you won't even know when it happens. You have to build yourself up, even if you do think that you're trash. You know what you say? That wasn't my best. I'm going to try it again. Or even better than that, just say next time will be better. Do you think that it does affect his ability to do it again better? I personally do.
00:10:58
Speaker
I've seen him when he gets really excited about landing something, and he's got a YouTube channel, and you know he's like, let's go, let's go. It's so enthusiastic, the sheer joy. and Then when he goes and does it again, and I try to point out to him, see see that, see how well you were able to do it this time because of the excitement you had about yourself. And yeah, I know it's easy to say because that time you landed it, but the positive reinforcement, I just, I really think that that matters. And so I try to tell them both my son and my daughter, when you are speaking about yourself, build yourself up because this world will tear you down enough. And your words have power over your psyche. So please speak kindly about and to yourself.
00:11:54
Speaker
I am very good at telling people to do that and helping them do that, and then very bad at it to myself. I couldn't tell you why. it's It's not like I don't value myself. I think it's just that the real list in me takes over, and I don't like to sugarcoat, so maybe that's me not sugarcoating things for myself. But I have learned, especially in these last few years, that It does matter what I'm saying to myself, especially when no one's around, and that it needs to be on the positive side of things.

Managing Expectations and Goals

00:12:28
Speaker
Because you're right, the negative will find you anyway. You don't need to be adding on to it. I think you and I are alike in that regard. um And I think that's why we do such a good job in trying to be positive to other people, because we're not always so positive with ourself.
00:12:48
Speaker
And like i I'm not sure what your reason is, but I know for me, I just have such a high standard, a high level of what I want to succeed. And I think I get frustrated because I'm not quite there yet. And so then I i double down even more so. you know And the questions start coming, well, why not? And it's not my self-esteem. In that instance, it's my confidence that's waning. That makes sense. I ah think I only have an issue when I have set expectations for the thing that I'm doing. Because when I don't have expectations, I don't really have any thoughts about how I did or didn't do something well. it It's when I think something should go a certain way and then I do it and I'm like, that wasn't great. So I'm working on level setting my exhor expectations or just not having any. You've got to have some.
00:13:47
Speaker
in many instances because otherwise, what are you shooting for? But I think there's time for my ex expectations are kind of outsizing the situation, going a little overboard. And I don't need to be setting myself up for failure like that. So I have less but expectations now. But ah as we were talking about confidence, I remembered I am in a mentorship group, basically, for the chamber here.

Confidence vs Arrogance

00:14:12
Speaker
And we had to make our purpose statements. And it was really hard. So it had to be less than 10 words, but a complete sentence.
00:14:23
Speaker
It couldn't be like bullet points. Like it has to be a sentence but less than 10 words. And the less than 10 words thing was really hard. Especially when you want to use two or I because those count or four or something. And so we did this whole assessment of ourselves and it included love languages and Enneagram. We wrote it down and then from there. Gosh, including all that 10 words. Well, yeah, so she we had this big sheet and it included about seven or eight tests or or personality assessments or whatever. So we had different things and we wrote it all down. And then in the middle, there's a box that says purpose statement. And we had to ah look at all of our stuff and then make that purpose statement in the room with our two mentors.
00:15:08
Speaker
And it was so hard. We were helping each other a lot easier than we were able to do it ourselves. But mine has the word confidence in it, and that's why I wanted to share it. So mine is, my purpose statement is creating opportunities for those I admire to be confidently independent. Because as I looked at everything, I feel like one of my purposes in life is to help other people be confident. I get really bothered by people who let other people talk over them, let other people interrupt them, let other people just bulldoze them in general. I get so irritated. I turn into like that little fireman on Inside Out, like the anger. I'm so excited about the second one, by the way. Oh, you saw it, didn't you? Oh, it is so good. It is so good.
00:16:00
Speaker
We just watched the first one over again to to like refresh our memory. And I'm just like, that little anger guy, i'm like that I resonate with him. When I see other people who aren't confident, but then my mind goes to, well, I can't just give them mine. So in this moment, is defending them helpful or is it hurting their self-esteem because oh someone has to come to my defense? You know, so it's it's hard because i want to I want that person to be confident, but what happened in their life or didn't happen in their life where they're standing in front of me not confident. And that's, I guess, my fear for my daughter. I don't want that to be her. And I don't know how I got the way I am.
00:16:44
Speaker
Yeah, it is. um It's a gift, yeah especially in this climate. um I think you need to have more confidence and again, confidence, not arrogance, not narcissism. um I think there's a lot of that and that leads to a lack of compassion. And then yes, you do have the people wanting to talk over you and the bullying going on and they're just not listening. huh not listening to listen. they listen And I think your daughter is going to be just fine. good I think she's going to be just fine. She's going to see you leading the example, and then she will also be a gift to someone else. And no, I think it's good to have others out there be your voice. you know and In my profession, I consider myself to be.
00:17:40
Speaker
a voice for so many people who are not in the room able to ask questions or the one to share the information. There are a lot of, I think, of small children who just don't have that self-esteem just yet, and they need someone who's able to stand up and say, knock it off. That's one of the reasons why I became a journalist, for sure. And I still am one in my everyday life. But also just people in life, they're like, we can tell you are a news reporter. And it's like, yeah, because I don't really like it when people are like, oh, that's just how this is. I never know what how to take that. But how do you take that? Do you take that as a compliment? Do you think they're saying it as a compliment? well I kind of take it the same way that I take
00:18:28
Speaker
Oh, you don't act like an only child. Oh, gosh. That's not good. I get that all the time. Oh, man. You don't act like an only child. Now, that's a compliment that I don't act like an only child. Yeah, I take it as a compliment because i I'm hearing that I have a skill that you don't have. Ooh. That's how I'm taking it. there. Did you hear that? I yeah, that that's an interesting thing to to stumble upon this conversation is when you're confident and people say something to you, you're going to hear it differently than maybe the person next to you. Like, did she just offend you? It's like, no, what was that offensive? That wasn't offensive to me. I like that you talked about having a mentor because I think um having a role model or someone who believes in you
00:19:17
Speaker
can definitely help provide tremendous confidence.

Role of Affirmations

00:19:22
Speaker
um But I'm curious, what do you think about affirmations? you know are are Are they hokey, those self-positive talks, or is it a good way to rewire your negative thought patterns? I feel the same way about affirmations that I feel about meditation. yo Well, usually, usually they happen at the same time, right? it Meditations at times. Meditation is a time that many people do their affirmations. That's all I'm saying. It's just usually they're in this, what's fine. Okay. So I actually thought about this recently because I took some labor classes and it was led by a doula.
00:20:05
Speaker
And let the record show that I love doulas. I thought they were a little kind of out there before. No, but they're not the best. They're the best. Yes. So I encourage people to get one if you can afford it and your privilege in that way. But. She was saying, there's a lot of women who can, and you've done this, there's a lot of women who can go without the drugs because their affirmation practice is so strong. They can build themselves up before labor and then during labor, they're so confident in the affirmations they're telling themselves or they have them up around the room, like they've written them down or printed them out and put them around the room. And so they can stare at one or five and kind of get through labor that way.
00:20:47
Speaker
I didn't even think of that, Allie. You could have done that. No, I did do that. Oh, you did? But I did not look at it as giving myself affirmation. Well, what was an example of something that what that you said or was on the wall or something? I had breathe, ah focus, temporary, love. Yeah, those are just affirmations that are one word instead of a sentence. That's wild. ah Apologies, I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, no, no, it's fine. I'm glad. I'm glad because you're the exact person I thought of when she was saying this. I was like, Lynise probably did that. In your head, I didn't think that you would actually have them out on the wall, but that's perfect. So she said, you know, this works for a lot of women. And she said, but if you're not already that woman,
00:21:34
Speaker
Please do not try to become that woman in the next month, because I was about 35 weeks at this point. She's like, do not try to force this practice onto yourself when you know you don't like it. because she said that is going to make you so frustrated and you're going to hate affirmations for the rest of your life because there's not going to work. So if you're not already the kind of person that listens to affirmations and and does this in your daily life, don't try to be that pregnant person and do not try to use this during labor. And that's when the thought exited my brain because I knew I'm not that person. However,
00:22:12
Speaker
That was just because there was a ticking time bomb and I couldn't just become that person, but I am learning that they are very important. I do this with Bible verses and I never really saw it as affirmations, but I used to have Bible verses up everywhere now that I share a house is a lot harder because it's not just my space. But I used to have them when I lived alone, you know, like a couple in my car, on my bathroom mirror, in my closet, places that I would stand for long periods of time or be. And those were affirmations for me in the you know coming from the Bible that was really helpful. But I think there's a lot of power in them and I certainly need to do that more because writing it down and just reciting it takes the the brain out of it when you don't want to come up with something positive by yourself.
00:23:02
Speaker
And I think that's what I need. I'm not ever going to naturally go towards a positive thought. That is just not how my brain works. It's how my husband's brain works. And I love that about him. But if I have it up somewhere that I can read or on my phone or something, that's so helpful because I could just look down and and and say to myself, you are a confident person. You are a great mom. Those kind of things. I used to think that it was hokey and I used to roll my eyes. But now that I'm older and realizing how important words are and self-talk, I am all on board.

Body Language and Self-Assurance

00:23:36
Speaker
Okay, so instead of affirmations, we will just say healthy self-talk. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, affirmations has a ah connotation to it, and as my son would say, cringy. Yes, exactly.
00:23:52
Speaker
along those lines. I think your body language counts too. Standing tall because eye contact, avoiding anxious habits. I mean, those can all make you feel more self assured and comparison, right? Don't get into the habit of comparing yourself to others. That's just going to breed insecurity. You just, you got to stay focused on your own journey. And that's why I like yoga. You were on that mat, running, you were in your lane, in your head, focus on you. That's a good tangible example because I don't usually compare myself when I'm in yoga classes simply because I can see so clearly that your body is different than mine.

Comparison and Competition

00:24:41
Speaker
Right. It's just it's so clear to me. I have a completely different body than you. So when we're doing it with we can't see each other's brains or minds or whatever, you know, so I think it's harder. Such a thief of joy. And I used to fall victim to it so much, especially being on TV and being able to watch other reporters, whether they're from a competing station or not, just reporters in our own newsroom. It's so hard to not beat yourself down because somebody else did it, quote unquote, better than you. Yeah, competition makes it hard. Yeah. Yeah. If you're in a environment like that, which the news business unfortunately is like that, it's hard, especially when you're young and maybe you haven't built up that confidence quite yet. I wish I could walk into newsrooms and just be like, you're going to be okay to every young reporter who's like, ah, what is this? I love that. I resonate with that because I think that everyone needs to hear.
00:25:38
Speaker
You're going to be okay. At some point in your life, you just need that reassurance. I'm reading this book. Oh gosh, it's been such a long time since I've had a chance to talk to you about all these books I've been reading. I really fell down a rabbit hole. I read, gosh, Agent You. It's the one that I just finished. and It is a great book and it talks about really how to market yourself, how to know what your strengths are so that you can use them for yourself. Excellent, Reed. I would recommend it if you're looking for material to dive into once you have your self-esteem and confidence at the level where you feel comfortable and where you feel it needs to be.
00:26:26
Speaker
um If you are working on your self-esteem, and at first glance, this book is not going to seem like one that would tackle this subject, but it's about a little girl growing up and how she develops her self-esteem. Because in the beginning, really, her foundation was based on the life that her father had envisioned for her. and it's called How to Say Babylon, and yeah just two excellent reads that that I would recommend. One that I haven't read yet, but it is on my list for books to read The Confidence Code. um That's exploring the science and psychology ah behind your confidence. And I was a psych major before I switched to journalism, oh so that interests me. That really interests me because I think that's the question I keep having is what factors into this because everyone's is so different. And I don't buy it that it's all nurture. No, you know, it's all just the way you're raised. So OK, that's interesting. You also finished mindset, right? Yes, I finished mindset that I need to go back and look at all the highlighted in purple that I have in that book.
00:27:44
Speaker
a lot of great nuggets there, but at the end of the day, it goes back to the positive self-talk. I'm not going to say affirmation.
00:27:56
Speaker
That also kind of got into the socio-economical factors

Mindset in Developing Confidence

00:28:02
Speaker
ah mindset. It he talks a lot about your environment um and the effects it can have on your path. One of the biggest takeaways I took from that book was she gave an example of how they had these inner city children who were considered un-learnable, this is what they called them, just not intelligent. And no teacher wanted to touch them and they brought in this one teacher and she worked with them and had them reading all this advanced material. And she said, I know that you can do it and I'm going to work with you if you want to learn how to do it.
00:28:37
Speaker
and at the end of it, they did. and I think that part stood out to me the most because they were roughly the age of my daughter now. and So like all the books that she had them read, ah to to kind of like I'm going to show you was like Macbeth and ah the Diary of Anne Frank and the Canterbury Tales. ah These are all books that I'm having Phoenix now read over the summer. and Some would say oh that's too early. you know the material's too much, ah mice and men at that age, but that was her point. It's all in how you develop the mind. She was basically telling them, I'm not going to let you think that you can't do this. They're saying that you can't, but I know that you can, and if you want to learn, I'm going to show you. and These were children, Ellie, who couldn't even like get through third grade level books. but and At the end of it, they were able to read these materials and were great scholars. and She talked about the importance of developing the mind at an early age. Gosh, this is something I'm so aware of from with my privilege that
00:29:51
Speaker
I did not have ever an environment where I felt like I couldn't do something and I can only imagine how powerful that is for a child to just feel that in the air that people don't believe that you can do it or that you're smart. I just that breaks my heart so much because yeah, what else is the kid going to do? They're going to believe that they have nothing else to latch on to. No other thoughts to latch on to. They can't just be confident out of the thin air. So thank God for people like that teacher. Yeah. You know, and they're out there. They are. They're changing the world. And they don't get paid enough. No, they don't. i Oh, this brought up, I think, maybe one of our future topics, because we didn't really get to to talk about it, but it's certainly related to this, is inner critic.

Future Topics and Encouragement

00:30:42
Speaker
I think some of ours are louder than others. And then also embracing failure.
00:30:47
Speaker
Yes. An inner critic is not a bad thing. No, it can keep you realistic. I just heard this and that will be done. Some people don't hear thoughts in their head a lot. Did you know that? No, I did not know that. I don't know that I believe that to be true. Do you think people are just not like in tune enough with themselves to know that they have an inner voice? I won't even say that. I don't think they want to admit it. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I think a lot of the time you have a feeling, whether it's a voice to you or a second guess, a hesitation, that's all the same thing.
00:31:27
Speaker
Yeah. So maybe when people are asked about a voice or something, they say no, because that's not what they're. But i I'm talking to myself constantly in my head. Same. The fact that people are not experiencing that, I just am i so fascinated. Yeah. I don't know that to be true. I think that if you were to phrase the question differently, everyone daydreams. And I think daydreaming and listening to your inner thoughts, critic, or having a sense of awareness. I think that's all the same thing. It's thinking. It's thinking. And you mean to tell me that you don't think? I don't know. Sometimes my husband says he literally is thinking about nothing. That's fine. That's still the same. I know. I just, that sensation, I do not understand. Oh, the quiet. Yeah. help You want to know why why? You're not meditating enough.
00:32:24
Speaker
You're not getting your quiet time. You're right. Does he meditate enough? No, but he just gets that power. It's not fair. Yeah, because he is doing it. He's doing it without calling it that. All right. Think about where your self-esteem is at. And hey, you could listen to this podcast today, feel great, and then listen to it tomorrow and have a completely different thought about your self-esteem. But focus on your confidence and how you can help yourself, but also people around you. This is important. Be that friend. I saw a a great picture that I'm going to post to our Instagram account. and It kind of breaks down the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence. It was a ah great illustration, so I'll i'll share that there. and ah You can find us on Instagram at Anchored in Life. Follow and share your thoughts. And get a journal.
00:33:15
Speaker
LinkedIn bio. Yes. They do smell like apples. That's confirmed by me. Have a great day. Whatever part of your day you're in, have a good one. And be confident.