Transcript
Speaker: One of the best feelings in life is feeling anchored.
Speaker: When the waves of life come, you stay confident, stable, and secure.
Speaker: So how do we stay connected in a world full of distractions?
Speaker: We think honest conversations can help.
Speaker: I'm Allie.
Speaker: And I'm Lenees.
Speaker: Two friends who just want to chat about how to be our best selves.
Speaker: Thanks for joining us.
Speaker: This is Anchored in Life.
Speaker: Well, I'm not going to say this one's going to be the most uplifting one we've ever done.
Speaker: Yeah, probably not.
Speaker: So we're talking about inner critic, and this came up because we did our last podcast on confidence and self-esteem.
Speaker: And I don't know why I didn't know this, but when I started researching inner critic, I didn't know that it was pretty much all negative.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: That's all.
Speaker: I mean, I understand the word critic is negative.
Speaker: But I don't know.
Speaker: To me, criticism can be constructive.
Speaker: So I don't think I was putting and I'm I'm negative, Nancy.
Speaker: You know me.
Speaker: I don't like positivity.
Speaker: But for some reason, I just didn't really understand that inner critic was solely bad things that are said.
Speaker: Yeah, constantly said, constantly negative feedback about how you feel, what you're doing, what you're going to do.
Speaker: And it's loud.
Speaker: So yours is loud?
Speaker: It can be.
Speaker: How frequent do you feel like you hear it?
Speaker: It depends on what I'm doing.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So my inner critic comes out most when I am trying to exercise.
Speaker: It doesn't come out during my parenting moments.
Speaker: It doesn't come out in my profession.
Speaker: It comes out when I'm trying to do something for myself.
Speaker: Like when I was getting my yoga teaching certificate, it was a constant battle.
Speaker: I'm not going to be able to do this.
Speaker: I can't even get into all these poses.
Speaker: How am I going to teach yoga if I'm running?
Speaker: Because I just signed up for another race in October.
Speaker: And I have not been running in quite some time.
Speaker: And just this morning, it's, you're so slow.
Speaker: What do you think you're going to do when you get out there in that race in a couple of months?
Speaker: That's when it's loud, when I'm trying to do something for me.
Speaker: Huh.
Speaker: Well, we'll get into where it comes from.
Speaker: Let's start from the very beginning of what it is.
Speaker: I found a sentence that I really liked.
Speaker: And also, I only read credible sources.
Speaker: I'm a former news reporter.
Speaker: So don't worry about it.
Speaker: Again, I was learning a lot in this research because I thought I knew what this was.
Speaker: And I did not at all.
Speaker: So when faced with failure or hardship, which is kind of what you just explained.
Speaker: You think you're going to fail.
Speaker: The hardship part is working out.
Speaker: Working out is hard.
Speaker: Some people experience a milder presence of self-criticism and may ultimately respond to the situation with self-compassion.
Speaker: However, many others live with an unfriendly and critical inner voice manifesting through negative thoughts, which distort how they perceive things.
Speaker: Where does your inner critic originate from?
Speaker: Have you ever thought about that?
Speaker: That's kind of a deep question.
Speaker: That would take some self-exploration, which would require a journal.
Speaker: Which we have.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Well, I am not sure.
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: It probably has to do with, and this is annoying.
Speaker: I just, I want to matter, Allie.
Speaker: I want to make sure that when I am gone, that I'm remembered for doing something that had a lasting effect.
Speaker: And I mentioned that to my husband and he came back with why.
Speaker: And that is the part that I'm saying is annoying because my answer to that is why not?
Speaker: That's why we're here to contribute and
Speaker: And so when I think that I'm not contributing, I get very frustrated.
Speaker: And so instantly, what is wrong with you?
Speaker: It just automatically goes there.
Speaker: And it's not because I believe what I'm thinking.
Speaker: I believe that inner critic screaming in my ear, get it together.
Speaker: Why can't you do it?
Speaker: It's just that I want to be better.
Speaker: That has to come from somewhere.
Speaker: Oh, for sure.
Speaker: And I will have to reflect on that.
Speaker: No, I'm serious.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: Because when I was looking through this research, there was a lot of you've got to go all the way back to childhood to figure out where this originated from.
Speaker: Because that's also how you figure out where your shaming came from, which is what the inner critic does.
Speaker: It is not an easy question to answer.
Speaker: And it's not a question that I'm going to be able to answer overnight.
Speaker: And if you're listening and you're kind of struggling with that too, wondering where does this come from?
Speaker: When did it start?
Speaker: It's going to take some time.
Speaker: Yes, you will have to unpack that.
Speaker: Another question people might have too is how do I know I even have one?
Speaker: Because what Laniece and I talked about on the Confident Self-Esteem podcast was inner voice.
Speaker: And do you – at the very end of it, we were talking about –
Speaker: How we just have an inner voice that's constantly talking in our brains.
Speaker: And for me, it's saying stuff like, okay, after I put this pillow down, I'm going to go get the laundry and I'm going to fold it and then I'm going to do that and then I'm going to go get her blanket.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Most of the time, it's all in my head.
Speaker: I was thinking that's the same voice as an inner critic, but I'm realizing for me, at least those are two completely different things.
Speaker: For sure.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Because the inner critic really is.
Speaker: It's negative.
Speaker: Not nice.
Speaker: Negative.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And it does not offer solutions.
Speaker: It is problem, problem, problem, problem.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And most of the time they're irrational thoughts.
Speaker: Would you say yours are irrational?
Speaker: Oh, boy.
Speaker: This is what scientists say.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: You know what's funny?
Speaker: I have not really put a lot of thought into whether it's reasonable or not.
Speaker: I just know that what I focus on more is not listening.
Speaker: I try to make sure that I counter it.
Speaker: You don't internalize it?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: I acknowledge it.
Speaker: But then I also say...
Speaker: You may not be able to get into that yoga pose, but you may be able to help someone else do it.
Speaker: So continue on with getting the certificate because you love yoga and you will share that love with someone else and help them on their journey.
Speaker: Or if it's just me, oh gosh, when do I hear it most?
Speaker: It is always when I am trying to do something.
Speaker: Recently, I contemplated that
Speaker: getting a certificate in wellness coaching or in healthy eating nutritionist because I love those things.
Speaker: You know that.
Speaker: And I thought, when am I going to have the time to do this?
Speaker: A thought when you were talking about when you hear it most, it sounds like it happens when you're pushing towards a goal.
Speaker: They just happen to be physical goals.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: But can you think of a not physical goal where it was loud?
Speaker: Or do you think it is just all physical stuff?
Speaker: You know, throughout this conversation, I may have an example for you.
Speaker: Oh, great.
Speaker: I love it when that happens.
Speaker: Yeah, you know how it is.
Speaker: You get to talk and you're like, oh, yeah.
Speaker: But right now I would say...
Speaker: No, it's usually when I'm trying to do something physical.
Speaker: And here's the deal.
Speaker: I know, I know that it's irrational because I'm not listening to it.
Speaker: I don't consider that in the moment, if that makes sense.
Speaker: It's not like I'm listening to this inner critic and I'm saying, that's not rational.
Speaker: I just, I automatically say stop and I counter with something positive.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: You have gotten good at knowing that's what it is.
Speaker: For better or for worse.
Speaker: That means this one has had practice.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I think some people listening would say, I can't tell what's that in my thoughts, which one would argue that your inner critic are your thoughts.
Speaker: And this is where brain stuff can get real complicated.
Speaker: What is a thought?
Speaker: What is your thought?
Speaker: What is someone else's thought in your brain?
Speaker: I mean, it just telltale sign is it's really negative.
Speaker: It's always negative.
Speaker: Yeah, you could call it negative self-talk.
Speaker: I mean, we don't have to use inner critics the same, right?
Speaker: Would you say those are synonymous?
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: They are one and the same.
Speaker: Your strategy is to just automatically combat it with a positive thought.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: And what I am going to do in reflection, and I would challenge this to those listening too, when you have that negative talk come up in your head, ask yourself, where is that coming from?
Speaker: Is that coming from fear?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Is that coming from anger, excitement?
Speaker: Because that's going to help you to better understand how to answer it.
Speaker: Sometimes your inner critic can be protective.
Speaker: It's telling you all of these negative things out of a response from a previous experience that maybe you've had.
Speaker: I would say most of the time it's protective against one of the emotions that you listed.
Speaker: For me, I would say I am always trying to protect myself from disappointment.
Speaker: So if I never raise the bar high, if I'm never hanging from a high bar, then I can't fall, you know?
Speaker: So I just don't put the bar very high.
Speaker: And I'm basically on the ground.
Speaker: And then life is not fun.
Speaker: No, no.
Speaker: I've battled this my whole life of you can be emotionless because you don't get excited about anything because you refuse to be disappointed.
Speaker: Or I've also had the very high highs and very low lows, which is also not great.
Speaker: A roller coaster isn't fun either.
Speaker: So it's interesting to learn how my inner critic plays into that.
Speaker: Do you believe that your inner critic can ever just shut up?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Think about
Speaker: Your whole life of what you can remember.
Speaker: Oh, wow.
Speaker: Sometimes it's louder.
Speaker: Sometimes it's not.
Speaker: Would you say there's seasons?
Speaker: No, I wouldn't say that there are seasons.
Speaker: It's pretty consistent.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I have been consistent throughout at least my teen through adult years.
Speaker: Now, when I was younger, no, I'm much different than,
Speaker: But once I turn that page at around 15, oh, wow, I have been the same person.
Speaker: And I know that there is a level for me of expectation.
Speaker: And I know there is a certain amount of performance I want to reach.
Speaker: I do not have space whatsoever for humiliation.
Speaker: And so, therefore, I
Speaker: I think that inner critic comes out because it thinks it's protecting me from that.
Speaker: I've got this high expectation, right?
Speaker: Super, super competitive.
Speaker: But I don't like failure.
Speaker: And I refuse to be humiliated or to be seen as someone who did not perform well.
Speaker: So the inner critic comes out.
Speaker: It's screaming like you can't, you won't.
Speaker: You're someone in my life, though, that, well, okay, from an outsider point of view, it seems like that really motivates you.
Speaker: Some would argue that.
Speaker: And I tell people this all the time.
Speaker: It is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
Speaker: And what I didn't say is that between, gosh, eight and 13, there was some work done that helped me to realize things about myself and helped me to realize the person who I wanted to be.
Speaker: And so when that happened, I was able to learn how to take, like in your case, you don't like disappointments.
Speaker: I was able to take those at a young age
Speaker: And learn how to deal with them.
Speaker: And I've always journaled.
Speaker: And since I was, gosh, eight, and that helps me to have perspective, it helps me to have reflection.
Speaker: And it also helps me to...
Speaker: And I think that's important because if you can get that inner critic out on paper, that's great.
Speaker: And that's why I don't want people to try to silence it because that's not the answer.
Speaker: So it may look like on the outside, I have it, but that's because of a lot of training that started at an early age.
Speaker: And would you say that's how you've also been able to practice the cultivation of a positive mindset?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: with the help of gratitude, something we've talked about before on this podcast.
Speaker: Just once or twice.
Speaker: Look for that.
Speaker: Look for those moments.
Speaker: They are there.
Speaker: I've been asking you a lot of questions because I'm struggling with this.
Speaker: I don't want to sound, I don't even know how this would sound.
Speaker: I don't think mine's very loud.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: And it is related, I think, to the confidence thing, the confidence topic we talked about.
Speaker: I don't really doubt myself often.
Speaker: And if I do, I'm thinking of a time where I did and it was someone else saying something to me that made me doubt myself.
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: So it doesn't start with me.
Speaker: Does that make sense?
Speaker: Sure.
Speaker: Like I'll walk into a room and be like, yeah, I'm going to ace this test.
Speaker: And then someone will be like, remember that one time you did, you got a 22 on a test.
Speaker: They doubt me.
Speaker: Should I doubt me?
Speaker: And then it's a spiral.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: But it doesn't originate in my brain.
Speaker: Yeah, and it varies.
Speaker: Some people have a louder inner critic than others.
Speaker: So what you're saying is totally normal.
Speaker: People listening to this will probably say, well, huh, that doesn't happen to me that frequently.
Speaker: And that just might be your case, which is great.
Speaker: But the difference between me and you is I get really affected by it when it happens.
Speaker: When I have that at critic, wherever, you know, the inner critic that starts because of someone else being a critic.
Speaker: I'm not as practiced as you as I'm reflecting.
Speaker: I'm thinking about how I can be better at this and reflect on this.
Speaker: But I
Speaker: I can get really low really fast.
Speaker: So I think I've talked about this before.
Speaker: I have battled depression, I think multiple times in my life, but only one time in terms of being diagnosed and walking through that.
Speaker: And my biggest negative thought that will overtake me like a cloud is everything is pointless.
Speaker: So if I am trying to do something and there's a goal or whatever, and someone puts a thought like that in my head, I will sometimes immediately go straight to the bottom like everything is pointless.
Speaker: It's really dangerous for me.
Speaker: And I'm glad you made that connection because depression is a form of an inner critic.
Speaker: It's that lack of compassion for yourself.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I think for me, it might be a little different than you.
Speaker: Then I think I've had seasons where it's loud.
Speaker: And then with the help of therapy, I'm able to really quiet that voice.
Speaker: It doesn't go away.
Speaker: I don't think it really goes away for anyone.
Speaker: But unlike you, I can't really think of a trigger.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: like personal, professional, whatever relationships.
Speaker: It's just sometimes someone says that one thing that makes me doubt myself.
Speaker: And then I cannot compartmentalize like the wonderful talent my husband has with compartmentalization.
Speaker: I can't.
Speaker: So once one thing is a wreck, everything's a wreck.
Speaker: You know, if my personal life's a wreck, my professional life is going to follow because I cannot keep them separate.
Speaker: Yeah, I was going to ask if you think it derives from worry.
Speaker: You know, now more than ever, I am realizing that I'm not a worrier.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: Yeah, I mean, I love that.
Speaker: Some people have to battle depression and anxiety.
Speaker: And I am so compassionate to people who are dealing with both of those because they're kind of opposite and they're kind of the same, but they also feed each other.
Speaker: It's a nightmare.
Speaker: I am thankful that I don't have anxiety to battle, but my depression can get real dark.
Speaker: I say that because I'm a mother now and you'd think that my anxiety would be heightened.
Speaker: But I think my husband's has just doubled and mine has disappeared.
Speaker: So I don't really know what happened there.
Speaker: But I'm not a worrier.
Speaker: I think it's kind of like your thought of what are we doing this for?
Speaker: Why are we here?
Speaker: That's where that pointless thing comes from.
Speaker: For me, it's like, what should I even do this for then?
Speaker: Why are we all even trying?
Speaker: Clearly, there is a reason.
Speaker: So if you're going to do it, then do it well.
Speaker: You've mentioned failure a couple times.
Speaker: That's the Enneagram three in me.
Speaker: You're goal oriented and you're scared of failure.
Speaker: Achiever over here.
Speaker: Especially professionally.
Speaker: And because I've been a mentor to some younger employees of mine, I don't have any now, but I used to manage and man, are people so scared to fail that they will not even act.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Do you think it's fear?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Of failure?
Speaker: I think.
Speaker: Or just not wanting to fail?
Speaker: I think you used a good word before is humiliation.
Speaker: Where I was at, I am a thousand percent sure it was fear of the consequences of
Speaker: from management that was higher than me because they've watched other people get burned.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I think it does depend.
Speaker: That's why I wanted to ask you, what is so scary about failing?
Speaker: It's not fear.
Speaker: I'm not, I'm not afraid.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I just don't want to.
Speaker: I'm very confident in that.
Speaker: Cause what, it's like a waste of time or.
Speaker: It,
Speaker: feels like a reflection of my ability and you're not going to tell me that I can't or I won't do something.
Speaker: It feels like you're putting me in a box.
Speaker: You're putting limitations on me.
Speaker: That's what it feels like.
Speaker: And I don't like that.
Speaker: And it is not, it's not fear.
Speaker: That is, it's more anger and
Speaker: It just, it feels restrictive.
Speaker: That makes sense.
Speaker: But I feel it in every fiber of my being.
Speaker: I don't like it.
Speaker: And so I work hard to make sure that it doesn't happen.
Speaker: And am I perfect?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: Do I expect to be perfect?
Speaker: Not really.
Speaker: You know, I'd like to be, but let's be honest.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I'm not, I wasn't plopped down, you know, miss, little miss perfect over here.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: And I understand the lessons that come with failure.
Speaker: You're not focused on failure, but I can always tell that you're very aware of it being a possibility.
Speaker: And it does come down to the whole personality thing.
Speaker: That's why I love things like the Enneagram, because it does bring stuff up like this.
Speaker: I don't, I hardly think about failure.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I think about a lot of other things.
Speaker: I'm not saying I'm perfect either, right?
Speaker: I got a lot of other things occupying my brain.
Speaker: I don't know why I don't think about it as much because I see, again, it can be motivating and it can be helpful.
Speaker: And I think sometimes because I'm not focused on, I don't want to say because I'm not focused on failure, but sometimes I think it can make me less focused than somebody who is very cognizant of failing.
Speaker: Does that make sense?
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: I totally understand that.
Speaker: And so I kind of sometimes I envy that of like, I wish I could just focus and just kind of like just hone in on it and like be, you know, because I think fear of failure is so yours is a fear based, but I think that's so common, especially in the workplace, especially if it's a first job, that kind of thing, something you've never done before.
Speaker: How or when do you feel like it shifted for you to where you were like, I'm using my failures to learn?
Speaker: Or is that an everyday battle?
Speaker: Oh yeah, that would, gosh, and not to turn this into a session, but yes, that would be every day.
Speaker: Even recording this podcast, I'm thinking to myself, how can I make sure my words are going to help someone else?
Speaker: That is the point of this podcast.
Speaker: We are trying to do life together.
Speaker: We're trying to relate to one another and letting people know out there, you know, you're not perfect.
Speaker: We're not perfect.
Speaker: Together, we're going to get through it.
Speaker: And I'm thinking about that.
Speaker: You know, some people might get annoyed.
Speaker: You're not being authentic if you're constantly thinking about what you're going to say.
Speaker: Well, I beg to differ.
Speaker: That is literally you in a nutshell is thinking about what you're going to say.
Speaker: That could not be more you.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: In the same breath, that could not be more unlike me.
Speaker: I'm on the other side of the road.
Speaker: That's why we work.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That is why we work.
Speaker: And another word you've used is resilience.
Speaker: I love that word.
Speaker: I love being resilient.
Speaker: I love people who are resilient.
Speaker: The experience of failure makes you resilient.
Speaker: Would you agree with that?
Speaker: Oh, yeah.
Speaker: Ask any boxer.
Speaker: That's...
Speaker: motivating to me to embrace failure is I want to be resilient.
Speaker: That's a word that I would love people to describe me with.
Speaker: I don't think you can get through this life very well without being resilient because you're always going to have setbacks.
Speaker: Life will throw you punches.
Speaker: So it's really about celebrating the small victories because we're not going to compare our setbacks.
Speaker: That is, have we done a podcast on comparison?
Speaker: Yes, we have.
Speaker: Yes, we did.
Speaker: And that comes up in a lot of our episodes, though.
Speaker: It does.
Speaker: And I guess you could use that word for when my inner critic comes out.
Speaker: It will come out when I'm comparing myself to someone else.
Speaker: Social media makes it come out.
Speaker: That would be a good, that's a trigger.
Speaker: There we go.
Speaker: I just figured one out.
Speaker: I don't care about my daughter's crib until I see someone else's decked out whatever they've got for their daughter that looks like a castle.
Speaker: And then I'm like, am I bad, mom?
Speaker: She doesn't have a castle.
Speaker: What the heck?
Speaker: Social media, man.
Speaker: It's good and bad, but it can be bad.
Speaker: It's a great way to connect, but you have to take it in increments for sure.
Speaker: I do want to mention this because I was meditating.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: This was probably Monday and today's Thursday.
Speaker: So I have not meditated since then.
Speaker: And it was a guided meditation.
Speaker: And this just spoke to me.
Speaker: And it's on topic with what we're talking about here.
Speaker: It talked about the importance of perceiving life through the love in our hearts.
Speaker: Perceiving life through the love in our hearts.
Speaker: And if you are doing that, that inner critic, it's silenced.
Speaker: We need to remember to hold our lives with sacred hands, lovingly.
Speaker: And I am constantly trying to do that.
Speaker: Giving myself grace.
Speaker: Giving myself grace.
Speaker: Along the same lines, one word that kept coming up when I was looking into inner critic was that it can't really thrive when there's compassion involved.
Speaker: And compassion is not just something that you offer to other people.
Speaker: It has to start with offering it to yourself, which grace, compassion go hand in hand.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: If what you're thinking isn't something that you wouldn't say to someone, and I'm not talking about if you're angry at them or in an argument,
Speaker: If it isn't something that you would just say to them on the regular, then that's an inner critic that needs to be quiet.
Speaker: Like one psychologist's advice was to embrace imperfection with compassion.
Speaker: Hard, very hard.
Speaker: Hard.
Speaker: But literally that inner critic cannot survive and be loud if you're doing that in that moment.
Speaker: I'm not saying it's squashed forever, right?
Speaker: No, it comes back.
Speaker: And it's supposed to.
Speaker: It's pointing you towards something.
Speaker: The exploration of that something is probably not going to be fun.
Speaker: But nevertheless, it's important.
Speaker: to figure out, like you said, what is happening there?
Speaker: Where did that come from?
Speaker: Everyone has a source of where that I'm not good enough thought came from because you did not come out of the womb thinking that.
Speaker: It got put there, unfortunately, by something or someone.
Speaker: And then it grew.
Speaker: And it happens to all of us.
Speaker: None of us are immune.
Speaker: And the lesson here
Speaker: is that you deserve to be kind and compassionate to yourself.
Speaker: And I don't like using that word deserve a lot.
Speaker: But in this case, in this case, yes, you deserve that compassion for yourself.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: And if you really feel stuck,
Speaker: I will always be an advocate for therapy because there are professionals that can walk you through the sources and beginnings of bad thoughts that you have.
Speaker: And so that could help.
Speaker: It was hard, but I like this conversation.
Speaker: I think it was good.
Speaker: Yeah, me too.
Speaker: Am I walking away refreshed?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: But I feel like that was cathartic.
Speaker: Next time we'll have something
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: We have something else to talk about.
Speaker: I can't say positive or uplifting because, you know, you never know.
Speaker: You never know, but we'll do our best for the next one.
