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EP 38: Hobbies
2.2k Plays2 years ago
Hobbies? WHAT HOBBIES? Today the moms discuss how difficult it is to have true hobbies as a mom. Candace and Whitney share their hobbies both before and after children. They discuss the identity shifts you experience entering motherhood and how losing your hobbies is a big part of that. Plus, why are dad’s not only allowed to have hobbies but expected to have hobbies? (Where my golf wives at?!)
Also, Candace gives an in-depth update on her breastfeeding journey.
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Transcript
Introduction and Catch-Up
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're gonna get into it.
00:00:14
Speaker
What up moms? My name is Candice and I'm here with my best friend Whitney and this is the Mom Group Chat Podcast. I've missed you. I've missed you too. I feel like this is our like best friend coffee date catch up or something. I know. I just feel like I haven't talked to you on the phone either in a while. Like yeah, we voice memo, but I get to see you.
00:00:39
Speaker
I know we got to start weaving that into I mean, I guess this is us weaving it into our life, but I would love to FaceTime you sometimes if you'll go on a date with me. Yes, I accept. Oh, man. But I just feel and I know that this is like I'm beating a dead horse here, but just being in newborn land is like
00:01:06
Speaker
Like I panicked.
Balancing Newborn Care and Identity Shift
00:01:08
Speaker
I mean, you know this just because I was kind of chatting about it before we got on. But God, to make time for everything, like just to get her fed pump, make sure I have makeup on, get my shit set up, make sure I have like fill up my water cup. It's like there's just not even time for anything. Like, oh, my God. The newborn stage is the diarrhea stage of the poops. Like it's.
00:01:35
Speaker
It's just constant obligations. That's what it feels like. And that makes it sound negative. Like my child is just one big obligation, but it's just you just truly have no time. Well, anything.
00:01:51
Speaker
It's really funny you mentioned that, and I, sorry I keep referencing Olivia from Skinny Hangover, but she posted something today that, you know, we're finally in that, out of that stage where everything feels like an obligation. Yes, I saw that. And I wrote back, I was like, hello from the other side.
00:02:14
Speaker
because oh my God, I feel the same way. Like, you know how we always talked about feeling like yourself at 10 months postpartum? I'm feeling good. Like we're almost at that, you know, seven month mark. And I'm like, man, it feels really good. Like I'm in my work groove, not working out wise. Like don't catch me there, slipping. But like, I feel good mentally and like,
00:02:42
Speaker
I just feel like our family's in a good groove and I'm here. You're out of the fog. I'm here early. You are, which is good. You're making it up for both of us because I am not here early. I'll tell you that.
Health Challenges and Breastfeeding Decisions
00:02:55
Speaker
No, I mean, you still need to give us an update. I mean, you've been a family before for a blip of a second.
00:03:03
Speaker
And I feel like so much has changed since we last joined. I knew because whenever I did my Margo introduction video, I was all rainbow and butterfly and I was like, I love us. And then it's like a month to like six weeks in and you're like, I'm a zombie. I'm unwell. Like whenever I,
00:03:30
Speaker
It's so true when I think back to our like welcome Evelyn episode she was what a week old and I was like she is well hold on I do need to say she is still so good like that's the update is
00:03:42
Speaker
She really is still so good. It's just all the other shit that's not so good, you know? You've gone through it, dude. In our last episode, I talked a lot about breastfeeding and how I really wanted to make it work and I had the OT and the lactation consultant come and it was like, things are going well, we figured it out, and then things took a turn.
00:04:06
Speaker
Things took a real, real turn. So when I was like three weeks postpartum, I guess it was just so crazy how it happened. Like I, you know, was breastfeeding and pumping and doing all the things I was normally doing.
00:04:22
Speaker
And it was like my last pump before like nighttime, like bedtime. And I said to Vinny, I was like, damn, I kind of have like a weird pain in this boob. But it wasn't anything crazy. I just thought maybe I waited too long in between pumps and it was just like a little sore or like whatever. So I pumped, it was fine. I still felt a little bit of the weird pain. And that was like 9 p.m. I was feeling completely normal.
00:04:51
Speaker
By 11 PM that night, so two hours later, I was the sickest I have ever felt in my life. I had mastitis and I kind of knew that's what was happening between the pain in my boob and my fever just spiked so quickly.
00:05:12
Speaker
I had never dealt with this in my postpartum period with Alice. It's crazy now because I know now that I've been dealing with this for almost 10 days that it's my oversupply that is causing my mastitis. I definitely had an oversupply with Alice, but it never caused me any
00:05:37
Speaker
issues. Like I just, you know, I had extra milk. Like to be honest, I would hear women like on Instagram or I would hear other moms talk about oversupply in a negative way and be like, Oh my gosh. Like it's like in a, in a way that's like, it's caused them complications. Yeah. And I never understood that because I had an oversupply with Alice, but I never, to me it was like, well, why is that a bad thing? Like I'm just, I look at all the freezer milk. Like genuinely.
00:06:06
Speaker
And now I've, I've learned my lesson of why it can be, or why it can cause complications. So I have an oversupply, I think trying to nurse this time, like maybe she wasn't emptying me fully completely. I was pumping after, I was pumping after nursing, but clearly I wasn't doing that good of a job. I don't know. But anyways,
00:06:29
Speaker
I was so sick all night long. I literally shivered for seven hours in bed. I could not get warm. I had 103.5 fever. It was one of the only times that I have woken up in the middle of the night and shaken my husband awake.
00:06:47
Speaker
get up something is wrong and I was hysterically crying because I felt so awful. So I was waking up shaking my husband historically crying. He for sure thought one of our children was deceased or something like he
00:07:03
Speaker
was like, oh my God, what's wrong? Because of the way I was acting. But it was just that I was feeling so awful that I was like, I don't know what to do type thing. So anyways, I ended up calling the emergency line of my OP that morning at like 5 a.m. I talked to a doctor. She was like, you need to come into the hospital, which I did not expect. I kind of thought they would send antibiotics.
00:07:29
Speaker
to the pharmacy and that would be it. But no, they were like, we really need to evaluate you to make sure you don't have an abscess or anything. Which honestly is so validating though. You're like, yes, I felt bad.
Transition to Formula and Regaining Time
00:07:40
Speaker
I get to go to the hospital. You're like, I told you I felt bad. Yeah. Vinny had never even heard of mastitis before. So the fact that
00:07:50
Speaker
I called the doctor, I explained what was going on, and they were like, you need to come into the hospital. He was like, oh shit, this is real. And I was like, yeah, it's real. So I went into the hospital. It was pretty much like classic mastitis.
00:08:08
Speaker
I got antibiotics. They turned things around really quickly. I felt pretty awful until about 6 p.m. that day. And then it was like another... As quickly as it came on was as quickly as I felt better. It was so strange. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, at 4 p.m. that day, we woke up from a nap and I was unwell still. Vinny looked at me and he was like, I've never seen you look like this. You're so sick. And then by 6 p.m., I was like, I feel good. I feel better.
00:08:35
Speaker
And he was like, this has been a whiplash situation. Like, what is happening? So all of that happened. I was on antibiotics. And then almost a whole week later, I was pumped or I started to pump like normally things have I've definitely had pain in between, like,
00:08:56
Speaker
the time I started the antibiotics and now like my, I've definitely had pain in this boob that has not felt like normal. Like I need to pump pain. It's felt different. It's like internal pain. I don't know. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I had a pump that was so crazy. Whitney has seen the pictures. I'll post them on our stories when this episode goes live, but scare for everybody. It is shocking.
00:09:23
Speaker
I was pumping and I'm not kidding was just pumping blood out of my boob, like straight blood for a good seven to eight minutes actually. And then the last 10 minutes of the pump was milk finally. But when I show you the picture, you guys are going to die. It literally looks like one boob is making strawberry milk and, and not like
00:09:47
Speaker
You've seen on like Carrie Locker Locker's page about how, oh, it's fine to give your baby with a little milk with a little bit of blood on it. This is not like that. This is not like pink tinged milk. This is like red milk. It is a strawberry milkshake. It looks thick. Oh my God. It is crazy.
00:10:05
Speaker
It
Motherhood Updates and Personal Time
00:10:06
Speaker
is so crazy. I had that crazy, bloody pump up. No, Candace sent this to me and I'm like, you need to go to the doctor again. This is not normal. I've never seen anything like it. I sent it to my OB and I was like, I don't think normal. I hear a lot of moms talk about mastitis. I've never seen anyone have a pump like this.
00:10:29
Speaker
Also, obviously I didn't save the milk because that's just, it was disgusting. And when I poured it out, it was filled with blood clots. Like just, yeah, it was tons of blood clots in there.
00:10:45
Speaker
So I was like, what the fuck is going on? I sent it to my OB. They ended up having me come in first thing Monday morning. They assessed the situation. They did an ultrasound of my boob, which showed there was no abscess or anything. And basically,
00:11:05
Speaker
So I learned some things, which I feel like I learned some things last time from the lactation consultant. And now I've learned even more things about, um, this. Okay. So did you know that every pregnancy, your body creates more milk ducks. So in this second pregnancy, I have additional milk ducks that I didn't have in this first pregnancy. So.
00:11:30
Speaker
So every pregnancy you're adding milk ducks to your boobs. Didn't know that. Basically they, the blood was like the mastitis, like working its way out of my breast. I, as we've stated on this podcast, I mean, we're constantly talking about my big ass titties, my big boobs.
00:11:51
Speaker
They basically said because my boobs are so big, there's just more space for the infection to settle. It had caused trauma to my milk ducts and to my breast, which is what all the blood and the blood clots were basically working that infection and trauma out of my boob.
00:12:12
Speaker
So yeah, that was an adventure. I'm still pumping and I'm gonna be honest, I really have not nursed since. The blood really freaked me out to the point where I'm like, if I didn't pump that, would she have just been drinking my blood? I just feel like it would have, I don't know, the whole situation has really made me want to peace out of
00:12:39
Speaker
breastfeeding. It's just been such a roller coaster. I've been in a lot of pain. I've been dealing with a lot. I'm still pumping right now, but I'm kind of back to exclusively pumping and I have decided that I will be weaning definitely before our trip to Europe. So before I'm three months
00:13:01
Speaker
Postpartum. I just need my life back at the amount of time that I have spent dealing with like breastfeeding things in the past month and I know It's a blessing that I have such an amazing supply and that I can feed my child But you know, it's also a blessing a baby Bressa, you know, I just You for recognizing that both are a blessing I
00:13:27
Speaker
They both are a blessing. And I will tell you what, I need some, I need some relief. I need, I have cried so much recently about the amount of, or I guess the lack of time that I have between dealing with Alice, dealing with the breastfeeding. I miss my husband. Like I truly don't have any time. And the thought of keeping up this pumping
Hobbies and Societal Expectations
00:13:52
Speaker
breastfeeding situation,
00:13:54
Speaker
on top of going back to work at eight weeks, I put me in a home, truly. I couldn't do it. I mean, I told you, like, I'm going to be your cheerleader, whichever way you go. Like, and I know when I switched to formula, like it opened up a whole new door of time for me. Like, did I lose it in other areas and fill it with something else? Sure. But like.
00:14:21
Speaker
I think it was literally the mental capacity of not having to think about it around the clock. Well, I have to be home by a certain time because I have to pomper. Well, I have to wake up at a certain time at night because I have to pump. Just not having to think about that was life changing for me. And like I said, if you have an epiphany and you're like, actually, I do want to keep trying, I'd be like, hell yeah. But if you're done, I'm done with you. Let's go. Let's ride into dawn. We're done.
00:14:51
Speaker
Whitney has been the best friend possible because she truly has been like, listen, I'm here for you, whichever way you want to go. You've been so supportive either way. And I've been a flip-flopping bitch over here. I've been like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to make it work. And then I'll send her a text and be like, I'm quitting today. I'm weaning today. And then I'll be like, I'm back. I'm back to nursing. I'm back. And so she has been there and supportive no matter which flop I'm on at that moment.
00:15:21
Speaker
I feel like I have to teeter the line because you change your mind so much. I'm like, look, I'm just staying neutral here. Yeah. Sorry. And that's crazy for me because I'm actually a very decisive person typically. I think it's just, it kind of goes back to like the mental load of it all of being like, like there's definitely a big mental load with staying, pumping and nursing, but there's also a mental load of like, okay, now I have to wean while not getting mastitis with this oversupply.
00:15:50
Speaker
So that freaks me out a little bit because I just felt so awful that I was like, I really don't want to deal with that again. I yeah, so it's it's going to happen. I think I'm going to wean sometime in the next month. I have an amazing. Yeah, I mean, that's that's where I'm at right now. Yeah, that's the update as of right now. But she's so good. Evelyn is so, so good. Last night she slept from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m.
00:16:18
Speaker
How dare you get that good of a sleep? What? Like it was, she's so good. She's easy to put, like she, I feed her and I put her back in her little snoo and she goes right back to sleep. She like in the snoo more than Alice did? So yes, but we have never turned it on. Well, but okay. Cause everything I had read said that really like it, you really shouldn't start the motion until they're like four or five weeks.
00:16:47
Speaker
And she's done such a good job of soothing herself that I almost don't wanna turn it on because- It's a crutch. Right, it's a crutch and I don't really want, if she's sticking to doing this well, I'm not gonna turn it on and we're just using it as a bassinet, which I know is not the point of a snoo, but she's just doing so well that I don't wanna fix what's not broken. Right, I know. Yeah, you don't introduce new things if you're doing good.
00:17:15
Speaker
Mm hmm. Then you're going to be needing to rock her to sleep. No, thanks. Yeah. So we're just she's been amazing. I'm so lucky that she's like during as I was dealing with all of this to where I didn't feel good and I was in a tough place, that she was such a good baby and so like easy. Yeah. That was a thing being go with the flow is nice. Yeah. So nice.
00:17:43
Speaker
So how are you in between pumping? How much time do you have to spend with Alice and Evelyn? Like 30 minutes? Honestly, yeah, for real. At this moment, I have to pump every four hours-ish. And between feeding her the bottle and washing the pump parts and all of that, it's just like I literally
00:18:09
Speaker
And then just doing normal like household things or self care things or like, you know, just taking care of life and not by self care. I'm not talking about like doing a face mask. I'm talking about like brushing my teeth and taking a shower, like the normal things.
00:18:26
Speaker
It's not a lot of time and that's kind of what I'm struggling with. I would say the most of all of the things postpartum, don't get me wrong, the breastfeeding is hard and all of that, but I'm struggling most with the lack of time and specifically the lack of time with Alice has been really hard. It's a very delicate balance to give her the attention she needs and still bond with Evelyn and still be able to feed everyone. It's just a lot.
00:18:56
Speaker
I know I feel like I was so ready for green to be done with like bottles in general, just because I pumped for six months and like having all those extra parts to clean, it felt like a lot. And now the bottles don't bother me at all because I didn't pump. So I'm like, man, this is easy. And she only eats four times a day bottle wise. And I'm like, this is nothing. Like this is so easy. It's going to be sad to quit bottles and switch to food.
00:19:24
Speaker
all that, but that's just a whole other beast of feeding now and introducing foods and peanut butter and eggs and all the allergies. And she broke out with, she's been breaking out with yogurt, which I'm like, what's happening? Oh, interesting. Cause she's on dairy formula, right? And I don't know what that's about. I don't know if it's the certain type of yogurt that we've tried, but I've fed her it like three different times and her face breaks out and I'm like fricking A.
00:19:53
Speaker
So I just need to try a different day. Do some troubleshoot. Yeah. But I'm like, is that going to be something? I don't know. Yeah. I'm not like pushing food as hard as I did with grading. Like I was making all this stuff and like really introducing things and like mushing up avocado. And now I'm just like buying the purees from the grocery and I'm like, try this banana, you know? And I just.
Rekindling Old Passions
00:20:20
Speaker
I don't have the time. Uh, 100% I'm going to be the same way. I, I can't imagine. Like even you just saying that Margo eats four times a day is like, I'm so excited for that. Cause we're still obviously eating every three hours or every two to three hours. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's a lot. It's nothing for bottles a day is nothing. Yeah. And my nanny does one of them. So it's like, I'm only doing three really. Unless Chris does the nighttime one.
00:20:49
Speaker
I only do two, what? It's amazing. How is Margo doing in general? I feel like I've given a 20 minute full update. So really, I want an update from you. Margo's great. She is laughing. She is reaching for our face, reaching up as they do now. She's almost able to sit by herself. She can do it for a little bit.
00:21:15
Speaker
But then she'll like headbutt a table if I let her But she's doing so good so full of personality. She's starting to cry when we walk away, which I'm like It's so sad but she is such a joy and so funny and and laughs all the time and I
00:21:37
Speaker
light of my life truly. She's so sweet. We're moving from nanny to daycare. Oh my gosh. When is that? Sorry. I feel like I've been thinking about this. I know. I'm like dreading it, but it's like they would do so well like in an environment like that. Maybe not this young. I'd say like at one, they'd probably be better suited.
00:22:02
Speaker
She'll start when she's eight months old. So it's coming up. Oh, and I just got to be prepared for all the sickness. Yeah, but she's already gotten like some a taste. She's been sick probably. She's probably been sick once a month since she's born, which is not like.
00:22:23
Speaker
not temperature-wise, she's maybe had a temperature once, but she's gotten the green nose once a month for a full week where we're having to suction it and do the saline drops and all that. Are you using Dr. Nosebot? I bought one specifically for her. I have an Amazon one for green, but the Dr. Nosebot.
00:22:45
Speaker
is specifically for her, and I'm obsessed with it. I want one for myself, so. This is a hint to a future episode. Stay tuned, everyone. Literally. But yeah, and it works amazing, and I, yeah.
00:23:02
Speaker
Have to do that for about a week with her and yeah, just cuz greens always that snotty nose kid Damn, she is so cute. And I was dying at you like putting Like putting her in all of her summer clothing because she's about to grow Dude, she is in nine month clothes. I'm like, oh my god Also, I can't remember if we talked about this on the pod But we learned recently that Alice is in the same size diapers as Margot
00:23:32
Speaker
Bye.
00:23:36
Speaker
And I was like, oh, and it actually made me like genuinely made me question myself if like I have Alice in too small of diapers. But Alice is just a freaking little string bean. I don't know how she definitely like her diapers fit her. So I think it's just like, well, Graydon's in a six and Margot's in a four. So I mean, yeah, I think it's like it starts to slow down. Right. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
00:24:03
Speaker
But I genuinely was like, damn, am I behind? Should I? Should she be in bigger diapers? No, it's just how it is. Graydon is.
00:24:14
Speaker
a lean baby. We put him in a muscle T yesterday and his arms looks like spaghetti strings. I was like, Oh, so skinny. So cute though. These kids, they're growing so fast. I mean, it's almost Alice's second birthday is coming up. And I just cannot believe that I'm about to have a two year old like it's lies, dude, like all of a sudden.
00:24:42
Speaker
I'm like, oh my gosh, time is so fast and it felt like it took forever for Graydon to get to one. And I'm like, Margo's over halfway there. I'm like, what the heck? It's so crazy. Your time is fleeting. When you have two and you're just so busy, I literally don't know what I did with my time before kids. I'm like, did I just take naps?
00:25:04
Speaker
Well, that's a very good segue into the topic for today. That's so true. Because we used to have a lot of time for things, for hobbies, for our interests, and somehow along the way of motherhood, we've lost those hobbies and interests, at least some of them. The idea for this episode about hobbies came to me actually while I was giving birth.
00:25:33
Speaker
because in the time of my induction, one of the nurses just trying to make small talk asked me, so what do you do for fun? And I froze. I hate that question. I'm like, oh no. I don't know. What do I do? I paused for so long and I looked at Vinny and I said, I don't know. I was like,
00:25:56
Speaker
Uh, like I genuinely didn't, I didn't have an answer. A quiet room, me playing on my phone. That's my fun. That's my hobby. For real. For real. I saw a TikTok yesterday that was like, someone asked me what I was doing tonight and she said, well, it's a weekday, so I'm doing screens. I'm doing, and she was like a big one, a medium one, and a little one. She goes,
00:26:24
Speaker
She goes, I like to have all three because it protects me from any thought occurring in my brain. I literally have the TV on and my phone in front of me. Yeah. And I, I hear this a lot from other moms, like moms in my mom group or even just like on the internet, like moms who are on Instagram or whatever.
00:26:49
Speaker
There is something that happens when we become moms that all of our interests and hobbies just immediately, it's almost like it's expected to be put on the back burner. There's a huge identity shift that happens when you enter motherhood and I think that
00:27:10
Speaker
losing those hobbies and interests is one of like the causes of the identity shift, if that makes sense. Exactly. And the interesting point of this is that men and dads aren't necessarily like held to the same expectation as far as hobbies go. They're like dads are still allowed to have hobbies and they're like expected to have hobbies and to those still stay a priority. And moms like
00:27:40
Speaker
It just is like, well, we will drop everything and take care of it because like, that's what's expected. And men don't feel the same. They don't feel the same need. Exactly. And I like looked up some stuff because I was like, you know, what are like some hobbies just
00:28:01
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Out there. And I looked up mom hobbies and dad hobbies. And the mom hobby list is hella long. And the dad hobby list is short. It's like it like just googling. The dad list was really short. And I thought, is that because it's just not even considered a hobby anymore? And it's like the part of their life, like their daily thing. It only came up with like golfing, grilling photography.
00:28:30
Speaker
Meanwhile, like a mother's hobby is sewing, cooking, gardening, painting, drawing, exercise, pottery. Like, okay. See, and here's the other thing that grinds my gears about this. Is there some things on that hobby list that
00:28:47
Speaker
are not hobbies, they're work.
Balancing Hobbies with Motherhood
00:28:50
Speaker
We should be working out. That shouldn't be, I mean, yes, it can be a hobby. Exercise can be, I love trying new exercise classes. That was something before I had kids I love to do. I don't have time for it anymore, hopefully soon. But it should be a part of our life that we get to exercise. Cooking, I'm sorry, I wish I didn't have to cook, honestly. But it is part of our life, yeah.
00:29:14
Speaker
Yeah, so grilling and golfing and photography, like how nice of them that they get to do that. But it was funny because like, you know how when you Google something like other potential questions will pop up and it says what do dads usually do? Their roles are three. There's three primary roles. The protector, the provider and the disciplinarian are the dads roles.
00:29:42
Speaker
Which is off topic, but I just thought this was so funny. When is that written? It sounds very 1950s. March 2020. Anyway, what were your hobbies before said child? Yeah, I was thinking about this a lot. And I remember this is an exercise my therapist had me do when I was feeling kind of lost after having Alice to where I was struggling with the identity shift of
00:30:11
Speaker
motherhood, she had me make a list of the things that bring me joy. And that was kind of like where I started as far as like to figure out like what I like to do for fun. And so some of the things I remember that I wrote down is like, and this was definitely a big hobby of mine is like going to concerts. I'm a big music girl.
00:30:33
Speaker
Yeah, I loved going to concerts and seeing live music and going to shows. And I feel like before I had kids, I was going to a concert a month probably. I was always checking Ticketmaster to see who's touring, who's coming. Even if it was someone I didn't necessarily, it's not like it has to be Taylor Swift or something. Just someone I'm like, oh, they would be fun to see live.
00:31:00
Speaker
So that was something I used to do. Mine was 100% exercise. I know, you love. That was my personality. My Apple Watch had the absolute choke hold over my life. If I didn't close a ring, my mindset was going to be upset.
00:31:20
Speaker
that day. I had to close all my rings. I had to hit 10,000 steps. I had to burn a certain amount of calories. And then once I had done that, I was like, oh, I can do whatever with the rest of my day. But until I hit that goal, I was not going to be okay. I remember you telling me once that you had a... You would close your rings, the streak.
00:31:45
Speaker
It was over a year long. It was like 400 and something days in a row of closing my rings. I can't even do it once. It was like 2017 and it was like my my biggest hobby. I was going to Orange Theory and then like some and I'd go walking and I mean it was like the best shape I'd ever been in my life and I loved it and
00:32:07
Speaker
Chris and I were both into it and he's still into it and he still tries to like, keep me or get me back into it. And it's just like not where I'm at anymore. I still love it and wish I could feel that same passion that I used to, but it's just like not my priority anymore. And yeah, do I want to look amazing? Yes. Do I want to feel amazing? Yes. But it's just like,
00:32:27
Speaker
I love spending time with my kids more. So I'm going to spend that extra hour with them versus leaving my family and going to the gym. Sorry, but that's just where I am right now. I hope that changes and I can really get back into that passion someday, but it's just not there. I think something that I have noticed is that
00:32:52
Speaker
I feel like before we had kids hobbies like what you're talking about with like closing your rings and exercise like if you think about the amount of time it took each day to like setting aside time to like make sure you're getting those steps or go to that exercise class or even like planning your week to I'm going to go to these classes and like whatever we just don't really have the capacity to do that anymore and sometimes I find I think about that with
00:33:15
Speaker
me and concerts or whatever the hobby is. I sometimes want to get back to that extreme version of that hobby when really I need to pivot and be like, okay, how can I weave a little bit of this back into maybe
00:33:31
Speaker
maybe going to a concert once a month is not realistic for me right now, but maybe like once a quarter, like what, you know, or for you, like maybe it's like, I go to an orange theory class twice a week. I think as moms, or at least I struggle with this kind of like all or nothing. It's like, I'm going to go all out. I'm going to do, I want to commit to this. I want to do this all the time or whatever. When really I just need to like trickle a little,
00:34:00
Speaker
of it back into my life. I don't need to like make it my whole personality again. You know how I mean, that was like an old episode with Julia Stern, how she said like you can literally work out in your pajamas and do it for 20 minutes as long as like you move and you start doing it on the daily, even if it is 20 minutes, like you'll get in that mindset of like, oh, I did something today. And like right now my thing is just going on walks. Would I love to go to Orange Theory every day? Yes, I just don't have the time.
00:34:28
Speaker
Yeah, but yeah, I love going on walks. I feel like that's like my is that a hobby I know see that's kind of what I struggle with though It's like is are these things hobbies for moms or is it just like self-care? You know what I mean? I like is it a hobby I feel like I
00:34:46
Speaker
this podcast could be considered something that I'm very proud of that we started post motherhood and you know a lot of people might not have you know motivation to start something brand new like this like this is new this is scary this was like diving headfirst into something that we both were so new in and I'm proud to say like that this is something that
00:35:11
Speaker
I love and I'm super passionate about and I guess it could be considered a hobby. I hope one day that it's like more but in the hospital when the nurse asked me that and I like didn't have an answer I finally Vinnie chimed in and he was like the podcast and I was like oh okay yeah yeah like I was like well I have a podcast
00:35:32
Speaker
And she was like, oh, really? Tell me about it. And so, you know, we talked about it or whatever. But this definitely is like this is like top three things I enjoy in my life right now is this podcast, like possibly the most. I mean, obviously my kids are the most.
00:35:47
Speaker
The podcast kids exercise. Husband is down on the bottom of his neck. They're a hobby too. Yeah, for real. I agree. I think this podcast is, in this season of my life, a hobby of mine, but it's the most fulfilling hobby I have for sure.
00:36:11
Speaker
Some other things that are wishful hobbies for me, not even things I used to do, but I always see videos of girlfriends going out to paint pottery. I'm like, oh, I would love to do that. That would be such a fun girl date with friends. I want to do that so bad. People make such cute
00:36:32
Speaker
I know. I always, I just saw, I mean, not to mention Olivia again, but her super cute like birthday plate for Vaughn. I was like, I want to make a birthday plate. Yeah. I feel like my, these are all such girly things that we are aspiring to do, but. Well, I'm not going to be like my hobby skeet shooting. Why? Why not?
00:37:00
Speaker
Dude, I've been skeet shooting. Vinny just went recently. Speaking of hobbies. That's something my dad does. And I used to have to go and push the fucking button. And he'd say, pool! And I'd put the push in the button and shoot the skeet out for him. Like, that was my life growing up, okay?
00:37:18
Speaker
Um, but I'd say like one thing I would like to do is needle point. I feel like I love to get really good at needle point and not like, um, crochet, but like a, I want to do like a fancy stocking, which is so neat. I was going to say there's that girl on tech doc. I feel like she would have been on your algorithm too, who had a whole needle point tree.
00:37:44
Speaker
Oh, I did see that. And her stuff was so cute. And it was like all it would like she had all these ornaments that were like representative little things in her life like milestones or like if they was so cute and she had needle point needle pointed. I don't know if that's the right like word, but
00:38:04
Speaker
She had done it all herself and it was so cute. Yeah, that is cool. Like I want to make like stockings for my children of like their interests or something like really something really weird and cool and artsy fartsy. Like I wish I could be good at that. I wish I could just like, I don't even know the terms like French knot and bull stitch. I don't know if those are right.
00:38:25
Speaker
But I think that would be really fun. And I would love to like monogram my kids clothes or something and make cool little things. I see people all the time doing customized embroidery and little cute designs for children's birthdays. And I'm like, oh, that'd be so fun to frickin do. But I know the other thing I think of for you, hobby wise is like interior design. Like you love doing that and you're so good at it.
00:38:55
Speaker
That should be my full-time job, I mean. I know. I can't tell you how many times Margo's room has been mentioned in our Q1 moms group. Like my mom chat, they're always like Margo's room, like it's referenced a lot. That's really nice. Thanks. I had help with that. Everyone loves it. It's so beautiful.
00:39:16
Speaker
Yeah, it was such a passion project. I whenever we move again, I'm just like I'm diving in. I can't wait to like redo a home. Not that I'm moving, but I mean, we're going to have to at some point. And it's just like I feel like I'm busting out of the seams in this frickin house when you add four people.
00:39:34
Speaker
I know Chris is always like, uh, cause I complain that the house is messy. He's like four people live here. Whitney, you gotta remember that. Like, it's not going to be clean all the time. And, you know, grain, grain this morning, I had the house clean and he just tornadoed right through it and pull out all the toys. And I was just like, he was before even 7am and I'm like fricking amen.
00:39:55
Speaker
Of course, of course. I can't even keep anything straight. Oh, I know my other hobby, which I did end up telling the nurse, sorry, it just came to me, is beauty. Oh, yeah. That's like probably my biggest hobby, actually. You could 100% make money off of doing makeup tutorials. Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
00:40:15
Speaker
Stay tuned. I really do actually want to do that. That's been on my like vision board for so long is to really make more beauty content online. And not that I'm like tooting my own horn here, but so many people ask me about product. Like, have you tried this? I love trying new products. I'm a huge beauty beauty girl. I love doing makeup. I love hair. I love skincare. I love it all. And yeah, any sponsors out there, send it to Candace because I wouldn't know what to do with it. So, but
00:40:44
Speaker
I will say, do you know how many people have asked about that hair tool since I bought it? Oh my gosh. I'm not kidding. I still get messages about it. People are like, what is that hair tool you mentioned? I'm just going to start linking it once a week.
00:41:01
Speaker
I was on a work call yesterday and they were like, is that that hair tool you talked about? And I was like, yeah. And I had someone message me after work and they're like, send me the link. It looks so good on zoom. And I was like, thank you.
00:41:15
Speaker
It's so easy to use. It's so good. It is so good. And I have not straightened my hair since and Mike, my hair person was like, Oh, you're a hair straightener. And I was like, uh, yeah, I went through fucking high school and the early 2000s. Like, what do you mean? Of course I straightened my hair and I still do. I don't know what to do with it. And ever since I bought that tool, I haven't touched the straightener. So wow.
00:41:39
Speaker
You're doing a service to your hair, like a good service. Yeah, but I feel like it's still an iron, so I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Oh well. I want to talk briefly about our husband's hobbies. Okay, go. Because I know my husband, the man and his tools and his projects, his hobby is like
00:42:02
Speaker
kind of related to his work I guess because he's in construction but he just is constantly like the she shed is for me but it's for him like I've said it's like his thing and of course like sports during football season on Sunday is like I it's it's just understood that I'm going to have the kids and he's going to watch football like the fact that that's just understood I wish there was a day of the week where he just understood that
00:42:30
Speaker
he's going to take care of things and I'm going to get to sit around and scroll my phone and watch hours and hours of television. I wish that was the case, but it's not.
00:42:40
Speaker
I feel like all guys are pretty much, well, I mean, our husbands both are into sports. I feel like Vinny is definitely more so than Chris, but Chris is very into football and very into basketball. So, I mean, he's got the TV on during those seasons as well. And then Chris's other big thing is obviously exercise. Like he- I know. I want to dig into this a little bit because
00:43:04
Speaker
He's signed up for, you know, he did the triathlon last year and he promised me that he wouldn't do one this year, which he's not, which required a lot of more hours of exercise during the week. And now he's just doing little mini things, like smaller ones, like, I don't know, a 10K or a half marathon, like he'll do like little things like that.
00:43:30
Speaker
Really, it doesn't feel as much because he works out so early in the morning. It's not really bothering or disrupting the family like it was before. And I think we're in a better space. Both the kids are sleeping through the night now, so I don't feel
00:43:49
Speaker
like as resentful as I was like having to wake up at four and ten to and do and make sure everything was okay alone. So I feel like it's just all around like like we said in the beginning episode like we're just in a better space in general as a family. But tell us a little bit about like what it was like when he was training for the Iron Man or half Iron Man.
00:44:17
Speaker
when Margo was a newborn. I mean, he trained for it all year. The whole year that I was pregnant, I mean, it just, it was three hours a day on the weekends where he would go and he would try and do it over Graydon's naps, but I mean, it's still like overlapped where, I mean, I was having to take care of Graydon while super pregnant. And then when Margo was,
00:44:43
Speaker
born, Chris went and did the Iron Man in October. So, I mean, she was like not even two months old yet. And it was so hard and I was so mad. I was so freaking mad. Like my postpartum rage, I was like, how could you like,
00:45:02
Speaker
choose this over our family, but I mean, I get it. He had signed up for it before we even knew we were pregnant and it was like a big goal of his. And now I'm just like, I'm so proud he did it. But at the time it was really hard for me to wrap my head around him being so into it versus our child. I just couldn't get over it. And I hope that, sorry, Chris, I'm not bad mouthing you. It's just like,
00:45:27
Speaker
My priorities felt different at the time. Well, yeah, and it's hard, especially in the newborn phase. I mean, Vinny and I literally had like a little like emotional moment about this last night. Yeah, but we it's just your time like as a mom feels so not your own.
Time Constraints and Couple Dynamics
00:45:45
Speaker
So to have him have like this thing where he's like, Oh, I need three to four hours a day of just me time. You're like, fuck that. Like, I don't have, I don't have 20 minutes of me time. And that's where it can just like, no matter how much.
00:46:03
Speaker
your brain can try and rewrite that as a, you know, I'm going to be supportive or I'm going to like, I feel like any normal person would start to feel a lot of resentment or like feelings around that. Like that's pretty normal. This is like, so what happened last night with Vinny and I, he had asked for two hours of time yesterday.
00:46:26
Speaker
He has a lot of projects in the works right now, all of the construction projects around our house, like there's like three or four of them going on at once. So he had said, you know, he gave me ample timing. He was like, can I get two hours of time?
00:46:42
Speaker
uh after work tomorrow and I said sure I'm on maternity leave like we had talked about it beforehand I had ample notice like I was like great I'll go on a walk with the girls and well that'll kill us an hour and then we'll come home like I was fully prepared
00:46:57
Speaker
Yeah. But so I did all of dinner and bath time and everything with myself, like feeding Evie on and doing everything for Alice. And, you know, he finished up and I was making dinner. So Evie's awake. Alice is asleep already. Whatever. I was making dinner. I was starving. I need to just, that is definitely a part of this. I was freaking hungry.
00:47:23
Speaker
So I was like, hey, are you hungry? I'm starving. Like I want to eat as soon as possible. I'm going to start cooking. And he was like, yep, totally. I'm going to go get a soda from the gas station, which is something he does all the time. So he leaves to go get a soda. Okay. I make dinner. Dinner is ready on the plates. Okay. And I'm sitting there in the kitchen, like where the fuck is he? Like seven 11 is literally on the end of our street. Like what?
00:47:48
Speaker
I call him and he's like, I'm like, hello, where are you? And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. I stopped at Vince and Tim's. Like, I was like, what? And I hung up on him. I was like, and it like, it was not that big of a situation. I probably made it a bigger deal than it was. But it's just like when you have a whole day where like your time is not your own. And I get I already gave him two hours of his own time. Like, like, how I dare you.
00:48:17
Speaker
Yeah, and he knew I have made it very clear I was starving and I'm like waiting for him to come back to eat and I Just a lot when he walked through the door. I burst into tears, which I again sounds dramatic, but I'm postpartum Okay, just cut me some slack
00:48:33
Speaker
And I just burst into tears and I was like, do you know how much, how little time I have? Like even when I waited for him for dinner now, by the time he gets back and we're eating, she's starting to get fussy and she needs to eat again. So it's like, I lost my window. Well, yeah. And you're like, well now he's eating. And so you're, I guess I'll be the one to take care of her. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. So that's just, that's kind of the core of this episode of like what I wanted to drive home is like,
00:49:01
Speaker
the expectation of time and in especially in regards to hobbies is so different between moms and dads and I know I sent you this article I read this article about like how hobbies are a like a luxury to moms and not like and
00:49:20
Speaker
an expectation and I'll post that article because it's a good read but it talked about like in the beginning of the article it was like think about Father's Day gifts and it was like you buy golf clubs you buy grilling accessories you like new pickleball paddles it's like all of the gifts you would give for Father's Day is stuff they go out of the house.
00:49:43
Speaker
and do and then it talked about like Mother's Day gifts which are like maybe a nice necklace or like a spa gift card or like whatever yeah a robe
00:49:57
Speaker
all of that stuff, don't get me wrong, great gifts, like beautiful things, but like it's not stuff that to fuel an out of the house activity. And I just think there's like a huge discrepancy there of like,
00:50:14
Speaker
men are allowed to leave and go and do things, and women are not. You are just expected to sit in your house and bounce your baby like I'm doing right now. I will say now that I'm on the other side of the newborn fog and all of that, it doesn't feel like that anymore. There are moments where I- That's good. Maybe I'm just in the newborn rage.
00:50:40
Speaker
Uh, it's a thing. Um, like there are days where Chris might get off work early and he'll go run. And I'm like, Oh, like you're choosing to go do something for yourself over like coming home early and spending someone on one time with like Margo before we get great. And are like,
00:50:58
Speaker
it's like things that I'm like oh like he's choosing to go do this for himself which I'm like man I cannot wait to feel like I can do that again like yeah I think I'm gonna choose myself first which I feel like now I am getting to the point
00:51:15
Speaker
where I can. I just went on a solo trip to the keys. I know. I wanted to hear an update on that, actually. Chris actually was the one that pushed me. He was like, you deserve it. Go. I'm fine with the kids. I was like, that's all I needed to hear, baby. Pack my bags and I'm at the door. We've had give and take.
00:51:39
Speaker
I just, like I said, I feel like we're in that good spot. And when we're both not sleeping, we're both definitely more mean to each other. And now that we both are sleeping and the kids are good, like it just feels good. I hope that like our next update is not a flip like, you know, but right now it's fine.
00:52:05
Speaker
Yeah, you're giving me hope because I definitely feel a little bit like I'm just drained of time. It's Groundhog Day, man, for like four months. It really is. I remember when we interviewed Mallory, the one that talked about mental health, and her baby was five months old and we all were still pregnant.
Finding Balance with Personal Time
00:52:25
Speaker
We were like, oh my God, you must be feeling good right now.
00:52:29
Speaker
you're like in a good spot. And she was like, yeah, you know, it's okay. Like, and I couldn't have been more wrong. Like I was still feeling at four or five months. And I just now feel refreshed and good. So.
00:52:47
Speaker
It's out there. The light is there. It just feels like a long way away, you know? Yeah. I think we should do a poll on our Instagram or in our Facebook group about some hobbies. I need some new ideas. I want to hear.
00:53:05
Speaker
I want to hear what other people do for fun that does not involve your children. What is going to get me out of... I know that Shannon used to joke about this because Shannon got into golfing. We were going to host a golf trip for the moms. A golf tournament for moms. Honestly, we should. We should. In honor of Shannon, that sounds amazing actually. The Shannon Invitational. Ooh.
00:53:32
Speaker
She would love that. I want some new ideas for hobbies, other than cooking and needlepoint and pottery and concerts. I wish I was interested in golf. I want to do something a little sporty. I wish I was in a tennis league. That would be fun.
00:53:52
Speaker
Well, one of our very good friend's parents just opened up a huge like, pickleball center here. It's like an indoor-outdoor pickleball league thing. Oh, I fucks with pickleball. I've never played. I've never played. Our neighbors have a net and we'll like draw with chalk and we'll set it up in our cul-de-sac and I'm telling you, I get aggressive.
00:54:16
Speaker
I am showing that ball down people's throat. It opened while I was pregnant, so it just wasn't even like on the table. But now I feel like I should maybe dabble. It's so fun. I feel like it could be something fun for Vinny and I to do together, which I know makes child care very hard. But like if we were on a doubles thing, I feel like it could be fun.
00:54:39
Speaker
Well, I know that's, we have a tennis court in our neighborhood and I'm like always thinking, oh man, it'd be so fun to go hit with Chris. Cause of course he's like picked it up in his decent and can hit back. But why is he so good at everything? Truly? It's annoying, truly. Um, but I'm like, I can't bring my kids in there. They'll get whacked in the head. So like Graydon's running around dodging the ball. Like Mario's just sitting in the car seat and we happened to hit her. I'm like, I don't know.
00:55:07
Speaker
This was a good little catch up slash hobby combo. I can't wait to hear everyone's hobbies and come up with some new ideas for me. And I'm hoping that our next update is that you don't flop and that I don't flop and that you know, flap.
00:55:25
Speaker
Yeah, I'll let you guys know where I'm at the next time because at this moment, you know, it's just a day by day thing. You're doing great. You look amazing. You're beautiful. Thanks. All right. I love you guys. Love you so much.
00:55:41
Speaker
Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right, gotta go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.