Transcript
Speaker: Welcome, friends, to another episode of Life's Effin' Nuts. I'm your host, JR. Life's Effin' Nuts. One-man stories and ruminations on being human in an upside-down world.
Speaker: And now, the show. <unk> do do do to do to do to
Speaker: Got new theme music, as you can see. as I but spent a lot of money on that theme music. I worked with a really good up-and-coming hit band. do do- do do
Speaker: Super proud of that one.
Speaker: How's it going, my friends? i My one-and-a-half friends who are listening out there in podcast land? ah y'all How y'all doing? How you feeling?
Speaker: How's your soul? How's your spirit? How's your mind? How's your body? how's your How's your orb?
Speaker: How's your aura? How's your vibe? How's your flow?
Speaker: Talk to me, friends. Talk to me. Talk to me, friends. Talk to me. Tell me how you're doing. Tell me how you're feeling. What's alive? alive?
Speaker: What's coursing through your veins, man?
Speaker: Are you jazzed? Are you psyched? Are you excited? Are you sad? Are you forlorn? Concerned? Worried? Distressed?
Speaker: Depressed? Compressed? Repressed?
Speaker: Yeah, this shit's gone off the rails, as as i've as I've mentioned many times. I no longer care. Well, no longer. I care about a lot of stuff, but I've been I've been creatively and artistically liberated.
Speaker: Hallelujah. Creatively and artistically liberated.
Speaker: Kind of. Kind of. As long as I don't have to like read the comment section.
Speaker: long as I get to just send out these messages in a bottle and not know where they land or how they land or when they land or why they land. Um,
Speaker: just a reminder, friends, one and a half friends who are listening, um, or 0.5 at this point, maybe you turned it off the the other, the other one person,
Speaker: um As bonkers as this podcast is getting, and as kind of unhinged as it as it's getting creatively, um believe it or not, as I've said many times, I actually do want an audience.
Speaker: I would love an audience. I really would. i love sharing, talking, creating, expressing conversations. Sharing, talking, creating, expressing, sharing, talking, creating, expressing.
Speaker: I love it. It's my favorite thing to do. i feel I feel most like myself when I do it. And i would love for it to be meaningful or valuable. so and And as I've shared many, many times, i don't have the time, energy, money, or bandwidth right now to promote this thing at all.
Speaker: And also, I don't have the... Like, part of part of what I want to do right now is just to be creatively free. And promoting it would kind of fly in the face of that. So, to my.5 listeners out there, if you like the show, share it with a friend.
Speaker: um But you know what? I can't force you to share it. Or, like, it's kind of lame when you're like, hey, can you share this? It's like the the actual good stuff. You know what?
Speaker: Maybe I'll even stop just making this stupid PSA.
Speaker: Because the truly good stuff, people just share it on their own. You don't have to tell people. like Tell your friends! The truly good stuff, you just you just feel compelled to share.
Speaker: It's like i ah read a book recently called The Wager. Really good book. And it was so gripping.
Speaker: and so tantalizing
Speaker: so engulfing the story engulfed me got swallowed and in in the the outstretched jaws of the story went straight into the belly of the story but it was so good and it was so on my mind that i was just like telling everyone about it like have you heard of this book the wager And the author didn't you know make a plea for me. Can you please tell your friends? No.
Speaker: When things are good, they spread. You know why? Because there's an appetite out there for good stuff. There's an appetite for a pulse. for For things that tap into the collective human experience.
Speaker: That channel something real and raw and relatable. I love when I do alliteration, spontaneous alliteration. Real, raw, relatable.
Speaker: Spontaneous alliteration. Yeah. Real, raw, relatable. So, yeah, I'm going to stop. Please tell your friends. I'm to stop that, I think.
Speaker: I think I will. um So what do want to talk about today?
Speaker: That's a good question. That's a good question. In some ways, I want to kind of continue on this thread that I think has been kind of woven throughout most of the episodes recently.
Speaker: It's on my mind. Something that's on my mind. Something that's on my mind pretty consistently right now. And I guess it's this idea of, creatively speaking,
Speaker: What's on the other side of the threshold, creatively speaking? The other side of the threshold?
Speaker: Creatively speaking.
Speaker: What the hell do I mean by that? The other side of the threshold, creatively speaking. Well, I've shared many times. I'm a redundant guy, if you haven't noticed. I'm redundant guy. Why am I such a redundant guy?
Speaker: think part of it's because I'm Not grounded in my own truth. I feel like... If I'm trying to express something meaningful to me... I'm i'm always like afraid that it's going to evaporate into the ether.
Speaker: So I feel like I'm like kind of desperately just like saying it as many times as I can... To make sure it doesn't disappear. Which is kind of absurd. But yeah, I'm a redundant guy.
Speaker: um But this... So ah a long time ago, I think season one or two, maybe one even, I told this story how i was unemployed and many years ago and for three and a half months.
Speaker: And it was a brutal, brutal time period psychologically. ah hated being unemployed. I felt embarrassed and ashamed like a pathetic loser. um But also it was like one of the most creatively prolific times I'd ever had in my life, I'd ever had in my life. And i I was just getting rejected so much. And forgive me for just telling the story again. Like I said, I'm a redundant guy, but I'm just kind of setting setting the stage for something.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: ah just getting rejected so much because I was just, I desperately needed a job. like ah Partially because, like I said, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed to be unemployed, but also because my bank account was screaming at me.
Speaker: Um, I was bleeding. My bank account was bleeding. was just full of blood. um
Speaker: and so I was a man on a mission. I needed a job i and and and i i couldn't afford to like just give up. Though I wanted to i get such big gut punches because I was not applying to be some kind of engineer.
Speaker: i was, you know, applying to be a writer, which is like, you know, for me when I'm writing, I'm putting my soul, spirit and heart on the line. And so when I got rejected, basically like my soul, spirit and heart were like people were just basically saying like, your soul, spirit and heart sucks.
Speaker: Get away from me. That's kind of how how a rejection felt. Your soul, spirit and heart sucks. It sucks. It sucks so much.
Speaker: I'm just going to send you an automated message.
Speaker: Thanks so much for your interest in working for our company. At the time, we are going to pursue other talent. But please stay tuned for other opportunities down the road. Thank you so much.
Speaker: Automated messages, man. um And it it just stung. i wanted if I wanted to give up. I hated it. I hated being rejected constantly. Every day, just getting rejected. It was just awful.
Speaker: But... I just kept picking myself up off the mat, partially because I was actually enjoying the writing and actually believed that I was writing well. And so it would sting and I'd want to quit and give up. I was just like, just feel awful about myself. I don't know, for a couple hours.
Speaker: But then there was just a surge of belief and excitement and just love of the game that would just surge back. And then I would just keep writing. Um... And I developed... Like this resilience... That I'd never had creatively before.
Speaker: Historically... you know... I'd put myself out there creatively. i'd always think it was brilliant... Because I was conceited.
Speaker: Confession! i was conceited! ah still am sometimes. that's the That's the real confession. Um...
Speaker: I always thought it was brilliant, but ah it you know
Speaker: and never like and that was never... The reception was never as much as I wanted it to be or never as warm as I wanted it to be. And would just kind of give up in some ways. like i I never fully stopped creating, but I would kind of go into a guarded, protected mode and just kind of you know not not push as hard as I was pushing.
Speaker: And that was kind of the story of my creative life. I put myself out there with some confidence, get rejected, and then kind of like retreat.
Speaker: And then, you know, maybe I retreat for six months and then I get like a new wave of confidence or excitement and put something out there and it wasn't received how I would want it and I retreat.
Speaker: And and i was creatively frustrated. Shocker. I think creative frustration is a real thing that probably I don't hear a lot of people talking about it.
Speaker: You know, people, there's the popular phrase of like sexual frustration. That's like a thing. um i think creative frustration might be as debilitating as as sexual frustration.
Speaker: Like for creative people who have ah need, a desire, a drive, an appetite for for being in a creative flow, for having the channel be open, but to not be able to achieve that, it's very, very frustrating.
Speaker: It's like it depresses my whole system.
Speaker: And so i was in some ways like in a constant state of creative frustration, stagnation, deflation.
Speaker: I love when I just randomly start. I don't even know what I'm doing. Playing with words. I'm randomly playing with words and sounds.
Speaker: Anyway, where are we going with this, friends? ah bet you're asking yourself that right now. Where the hell is JR going with this? I'm about to turn this crap off.
Speaker: Well, here's where i'm going with it.
Speaker: I don't know where I'm going. I know where I'm going with it, but for whatever reason, I just got stuck in in a mental knot. um So, yeah, but I mean, I'm being whatever. Like I said, I'm being redundant. But during that time period, it was the most liberated I ever was creatively.
Speaker: um I moved beyond the threshold. but Beyond the threshold when when in the past my mind had said, what are you doing, bro? Stop. Just stop. Quit. Stop. You're embarrassing yourself. Stop right now. Retreat.
Speaker: Go back into your hole. Go back into your cave. Protect yourself. Just stop, bro. Stop. Stop. You're an embarrassment. What were you even thinking? Putting yourself out there. What were you thinking, bro?
Speaker: You're one of 7 billion people. You think you're that special that you're such like a gifted artist? What the? Bro, are you kidding me? stop now that's what my mind would always say right and and i'd be like ah i'd be like um okay like that sounds right what was i thinking damn i'm embarrassed
Speaker: and i would just stop and so when i talk about moving beyond the creative threshold that's what i mean that threshold of the mind that that getting rejected and getting to a certain place where it's like, ah this is bad, stop, retreat.
Speaker: What's on the other side of that? that's what i've That's what I'm fascinated by right now. I've been fascinated about it for a while, but I'm really hovering around that threshold right now. And as I've shared, this podcast project is...
Speaker: it, it embodies that journey because like I said, I'm not checking metrics at all. I'm just putting these out there, message in a bottle style. I have no idea if one person is listening or what, whatever.
Speaker: And for me, something about that helps me get beyond the creative threshold. I just, I just start, I'm just create, like I said, I've, like I shared many times, I'm just start, start to create for creating sake. And I don't expect anyone to like it. I don't, and I don't expect anything. I don't expect to be received well, to be loved, to be whatever, championed. And there's just something freeing in that.
Speaker: and And I think that's the pathway for for actual good work.
Speaker: I think. and But I will say, and I kind of alluded to it earlier a little bit, that you know potentially it's a little bit of a creative cop-out to just not... to just like do it totally message in a bottle style.
Speaker: Because in some cases, you know like how you're being received, if you're being received, what kind of feedback you're getting is important and instructive. And and you know i'm i'm giving i'm I'm drawing a parallel between that time when I was unemployed, but it's not a a direct parallel because during that time,
Speaker: i I felt the pain of rejection, but I didn't let it stop me. This time with this project, I'm kind of avoiding the pain of rejection by not looking at any metrics, not soliciting any feedback, not actually like promoting the show or putting myself out there.
Speaker: like There's a certain safety in that, I think.
Speaker: But i I also think there's a certain dynamism in that.
Speaker: so
Speaker: um And it's not just with this podcast that I'm trying to do that. i i There's something else that happened recently in terms of me being creative and trying to push beyond the the threshold.
Speaker: um
Speaker: How would i put it? So as I've also shared about in a number of episodes, I've always had a ah like a pretty...
Speaker: troubled relationship with work, I would say. Like, you know, there's been times where, there's been moments where, professionally i feel aligned and in my in my power, in my flow.
Speaker: But largely I would say that, like, the the the system of work doesn't quite... um
Speaker: I'm, I, I, gosh, I feel like I'm rambling a little bit. I feel like this ah this often happens in these episodes. Like I start with a lot of energy it's not it's not that I'm losing my train of thought or anything like that, but I just, I start to like, I have this voice in my head. It's kind of saying like, like, what, what are you even talking about? yeah like what Why are you talking right now?
Speaker: Um, like, what are you actually doing? But That's just a voice because I do think there's i think there's something I'm trying to express that actually is meaningful to me.
Speaker: i love giving you guys a little peek behind the curtain because um'm I'm out here working without Annette, friends.
Speaker: No editing, no production, no script, just a man and a mic.
Speaker: I think what I was trying to say about work is essentially is just that
Speaker: I have a desire to be myself and to have, to have that, me being myself, be a contribution in the world and to get paid a good living to do it. That's my, it's always been my dream.
Speaker: And I imagine it's most people's dream. It's like, it sucks to, uh,
Speaker: not be ourselves and to have to like put on a bunch of like emotional, psychological armor just to like, just to meet the day, just to meet the week, just to get through the grind.
Speaker: um
Speaker: you know, that sucks. That's not fun. I've been there. I am there sometimes still. um,
Speaker: but But that's a hard, you know, like most, I think it's probably the exception, not the norm that people fully feel like themselves at work. My mad, excuse me, sorry. It's probably great great radio here, me coughing into the mic.
Speaker: um
Speaker: Yeah, I imagine that most people do have to kind of, like, yeah, i mean it's like, it's a very common thing. Like, people are just like, so happy when the weekend comes, like they're done with the the gauntlet. um Mondays suck.
Speaker: Just want to kind of get through your day, finish your day. um that's That's a very common thing that I hear people talking, even people who like their jobs, i you know, I hear them just kind of saying like, man, just trying to get to Friday or whatever.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And i would i'm what i'm really I've always tried, i really want to to b to have to have work um where i just I really do feel like myself and I'm in my flow and I get to just be myself in a dynamic way and that that is a contribution.
Speaker: um And one of the ways that I try to do that is by like having a presence on LinkedIn and like just... Basically creating content and just writing about different experiences and posting them on LinkedIn.
Speaker: um just to try you know i'm I'm kind of big on this idea of creating my own gravity or you know creating my own energy
Speaker: rather than feeding off of someone else's or being dependent on someone else's.
Speaker: And so, yeah, like I would love it if I could essentially be a content creator on LinkedIn. And, you know, i i my my work, i I'm kind of like a i'm a a kind of a consultant.
Speaker: That's like what I do for actual money. um and I'm already kind of like doing what I want to be doing, but not to the extent that I want to be doing it. Like I would love to basically just be a thought leader.
Speaker: And to get paid for like my thinking. that would be That would be what I really want. And I already kind of do, but not fully.
Speaker: is not a good episode, friends. It started off so promising.
Speaker: started off so promising. What are we doing here, friends?
Speaker: I am just meandering at this point.
Speaker: meandering in the underbrush. think all I'm trying to say, and i'm sometimes I can be so wordy and long-winded, god damn. All I'm trying to say is that this same process that I'm doing for podcasting, I'm also kind of experimenting content-wise on LinkedIn.
Speaker: And like it's kind of the same thing because when I first started doing it I post and then I would just like kind of obsessively check the the reactions and the comments and and would just be like a gut punch when no one will respond or very little response or whatever and i would just be like, what's the point? This is stupid. What am I doing?
Speaker: or then sometimes i like I would write the post. I was like, what can I write that will get people to react or whatever or get people to like this? It's just such a bad equation.
Speaker: Like it's not a good way to be creating from that place.
Speaker: um
Speaker: But I've kind of vowed to just keep doing it. And in that vow, it it kind of allows me again to to get beyond this threshold because I get to I mean, I've gone through periods where like just literally like just I mean, not no one, but maybe I'll get like four reactions to a post or whatever. and I'm like, man, like, this is stupid. What am I doing?
Speaker: um And then the next day I'll be like, I'm like, I don't even want to do this. why Why am I even doing this? Like, this is so dumb. Like, who do you, what do you, who do you think you are, JR? Like, no one's going to like this. What are you doing?
Speaker: um But then if I keep posting in spite of that, in spite of what my mind is telling me, um I kind of get to this liberated spot again where I'm just like, okay, well, like I, I don't expect anyone to like this ah and and I don't care. I'm just going I'm just going to write from my heart and write what I feel is true.
Speaker: And i don't, I, who cares if, if no one responds, no one's responding anyways, what do I have to lose? And again, something happens at that threshold once I get to that place where I just stop expecting. And I i i well i expect that that it will flop. I don't care anymore if it flops because ah it already is flopping.
Speaker: And that's when I start writing in an interesting way, I think. And that's what people start responding to. So there's something about that threshold, man. Something about that threshold.
Speaker: and And I think the reason I'm talking about it
Speaker: It's just that it's this is something I've been, as a creative person, that I've been wrestling with my entire life. From the age of 15, I had an irrepressible desire to create things that were beautiful and memorable and meaningful and impactful.
Speaker: Like an irrepressible desire. Irrepressible. And still to this day, it's irrepressible. and I, if I could choose to have that go away, I might.
Speaker: It's like an intense thing to hold and carry for so many years, this irrepressible desire to create.
Speaker: And to to achieve full creative expression and flow. Because i could it's a feeling that I think there's a feeling. and And like I said, sometimes it gets confusing because it feels like it could be conceit or grandiosity. But it's like a feeling that I have something to say.
Speaker: i have something to say.
Speaker: and and and just wanting to be able to say it consistently. Wanting to make the inside look like the outside. Like the vision I have of myself inside.
Speaker: The inner knowing I have of myself. of Of what I'm capable of creatively. To have that be accurately reflected in my external reality.
Speaker: That's always been kind of my dream and my goal. And I just have not been able to do it fully. Like i said, i' had little moments. But I just have not been able to.
Speaker: And in some ways, it's like all I've ever wanted. I mean, not all because, you know, i'm I'm speaking more like on a creative level on like, a I don't know, like a spiritual level or something like that.
Speaker: It's like kind of literally all I've ever wanted. Like, I just want to be in creative flow, to have an open channel of creative expression
Speaker: consistently open channel of creative expression because for me it's about big a big part of it is about being myself I want to be myself I want to feel like myself and I and i want and i want to you know and I want it to I want to ah want to be like loved for that and seen for that and like I want that to be my reality that they're like i I am a person who
Speaker: Who. Who. I don't know. Who like. you What you see is what you get. That I am i am me. I am creating. i am out there. and And that that's. that's the people That's the person that other people are relating and reacting to.
Speaker: It's such a bad feeling to be like a subdued person. Or a muted person. Or a compromised person. Or a.
Speaker: I don't know, like a pandering person
Speaker: to just like, yeah, just to walk around in a state of kind of bland anonymity. Walk around in the state of bland anonymity. I don't want that. I never want that. I've never wanted that.
Speaker: I hate it. And I've done it because I want to protect myself. Bland anonymity. Mutedness.
Speaker: I've gone for almost 30 minutes, man. What the hell am I rambling on about?
Speaker: i hope you... This is what I was saying. this why i'm This is why I'm a redundant person because I kind of feel like, have I actually said what I'm trying to say? Should I keep trying?
Speaker: i think I've mostly said what I want to say. I think I've mostly like... I don't think I've done it as eloquently as I would have liked and as pitch perfect as I would have liked. But I think most of the the pieces and the ingredients I've said...
Speaker: So I will spare you further meandering. I will bid you adieu. ah will send you love. i will tip my cap. And I'll see you on the other side of the threshold.
Speaker: Life's effing nuts. I'm J.R.
