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Raw 'n' Uncut: The Good Whale
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Transcript
Introduction and Return to Podcasting
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome, friends, to another episode of Life's F'ing Nuts. I'm your host, J.R. One Man's Stories and Ruminations on Being Human in an Upside-Down World. I haven't released an episode in a long time. I don't even know how long it's been. And I want to explain why. If I can.
00:00:32
Speaker
If I can, I, I went all in on the podcast. I discovered that I really enjoy telling stories. I really enjoy speaking into a microphone. I really enjoy the process of exploration with my words, sitting down with the mic, having an idea of what I want to talk about or what story I want to tell.
00:00:57
Speaker
and then being as present as possible to find the exact combination of words to express the thing I'm trying to express.
Artistic Journey and Realizations
00:01:06
Speaker
I really enjoy that. It's almost like improvisational performance art for me.
00:01:13
Speaker
And so I invested a lot of time, energy and money into it and and really wanted to see it succeed because I just, it was something, and I've always had artistic instinct instincts throughout my life.
00:01:26
Speaker
I've always like had the ah spark, the the appetite, the instinct to create, the desire, the vision, always. and i Pretty much since I was 15 years old. And I've tried a lot of different artistic mediums, a lot of different kinds of projects.
00:01:47
Speaker
And there's been moments where I've felt like I'm hitting my stride or almost hitting my stride.
00:01:58
Speaker
but I've never fully taken flight artistically the way that I want to. I have a vision for myself that I can be in the sustained state of expression, of creativity, of openness, of energy, of generativity. I have a vision for myself. i can i can I've been so close to it that I can taste it at times.
00:02:28
Speaker
But inevitably in the past, when I would kind of find a project that was almost it, I would lose the flow. The the channel would get clogged up.
00:02:42
Speaker
So whenever it was, like a year ago, year and a half ago, when I discovered like, oh, like this channel does not get clogged up. When I speak in this in this fashion,
00:02:54
Speaker
when I story tell, when I talk into a microphone, it doesn't get clogged up. I can talk every single day into a microphone for up to an hour and it just doesn't get clogged. Like the more stories that I tell, you the wider my lens gets and the more stories that I have access to within myself.
Progress and Challenges in Podcasting
00:03:17
Speaker
And so I was like, this is amazing. Like this is what I've been looking for my whole life. This this medium.
00:03:27
Speaker
um this that the parameters of a project like this like this is what I've been looking for and You know that I you know I for a long period of time. I just recorded every day as a practice Without even knowing where it was going or if it would turn into something formal but over time the idea for life's effin nuts crystallized and It just started to take shape and take form and And I found a producer and I got a logo and I was working with a social media, um whatever you call them, coordinator, whatever it is. And so it started to take shape. And then also like i my storytelling skills, I think improved. And I had a better sense of how to tell a story and what kind of stories I wanted to tell. And then my ability to work collaboratively with my producer
00:04:25
Speaker
Um, really started to improve and and we had great working chemistry. And so the production quality and the editing all just skyrocketed.
00:04:38
Speaker
And I was certain, I was certain that the stories that I was telling and the quality of the content was, was going to get traction. I just, I thought, I really believed that.
00:04:52
Speaker
they were It was solid content that I was telling good, interesting, relevant stories, stories that people could relate to, that the production quality was was grade A, five-star quality. um My producer, I think, was doing an amazing job bringing my stories to life, layering music in there. I loved music to create this oral tapestry. And so I was jazzed, man, I was psyched.
00:05:20
Speaker
probably like the most proud I'd ever been of any project or I could stand behind the work in a way that I'd never been able to stand behind any of my work up to that point. I'd always kind of been like, okay, I kind of like this work, but I don't feel like it's fully representative of what I'm trying to accomplish, what I'm trying to create artistically.
00:05:49
Speaker
Anyway, this is all a long way to say that it didn't ah didn't get traction the way that I thought it would. I mean, I got some positive feedback. My audience grew a little bit, but I really thought it was going to take off, that it like that it was going to catch on like wildfire, and it just didn't. I just didn't.
00:06:11
Speaker
and
00:06:14
Speaker
That was kind of disappointing, kind of bummed me out, kind of like, okay, like I just gave this my best shot. like like I don't know if I have better artistic vision in me than than what I just did. And it and it did it fell flat, it didn't land.
00:06:30
Speaker
And I wasn't so disappointed that I couldn't have kept going and recording, but I i did get to a place where I was like, I can't invest this time, energy, and money the way that I am if it's not gonna land.
00:06:45
Speaker
particularly like the the expenses of of the production. was very i mean It was, like I said, high quality work, but it was fairly expensive. and so I just couldn't justify it anymore, unfortunately.
Embracing Imperfection and Raw Expression
00:06:59
Speaker
and so I had to basically just press pause on the project.
00:07:05
Speaker
and kind of ah you know I kind of said to myself, if there's a time, when there's a time that I have a little bit more of disposable income, I'll go back to the project. There's still a lot of stories that I want to tell.
00:07:23
Speaker
And so i don' I don't even know how long it's been for four or five months since I released an episode, and but ah but i'm I'm constantly thinking about it. And literally today I just had, I don't know, if an epiphanous moment sounds a little dramatic, an epiphanous moment.
00:07:43
Speaker
I tend to be wary of grand proclamations, like epiphanous moment. But I had, you know, I had little a little a little spark of inspiration. I was like, you know what? I just miss, I just miss,
00:08:05
Speaker
recording. I miss putting things out there and seeing what happens. Like I like that process. Like, you know, I really do think that i I'm like, and'm ah I'm a, I'm a, I just mentioned earlier, and like an improvisational performance artist. I think that's always what I've enjoyed. I used to street perform all the time when I was younger. I loved that. I loved it. I loved it. Um, so I just, I miss that. I miss,
00:08:32
Speaker
I already said this, I'm being redundant now. I miss talking to a microphone, I'm just like restating it for clarity. Talking into a microphone and putting things out there. So I was like, you know what?
00:08:44
Speaker
I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna record and not edit at all, zero edits. I'm gonna call this life's effin' nuts, raw and uncut.
00:08:59
Speaker
And I'm not gonna promote either. I'm not gonna promote the episodes. I'm just gonna put them out there. And that might mean that no one ever listens to them, because I i don't think that many people are subscribed to the show. So the only people who are gonna hear this, ah presumably, are people who are subscribed. So there might be, what, like 25 of you out there? If you haven't already unsubscribed, because there hasn't been an episode for five months, so maybe you're like, I guess that's dead, I'm gonna unsubscribe from that. but
00:09:29
Speaker
i I just kinda in some ways wanna do it for myself because it's it's like it's like a bath for my soul, this process of recording, expressing, opening the channel of energy and artistic flow and putting it out there. There's something that's like a spiritual bath. So I'm gonna experiment and we'll see how long I do it. I have no idea. Maybe it'll be one episode, maybe 100 episodes, I don't know.
00:09:58
Speaker
But I'm gonna do it, so this is uncut and raw. and And in some ways I'm excited because I think one thing as an artist, as a creative person throughout my life that that may have been impinging on me is control and perfectionism. you know I was so perfectionistic about the first 14 episodes of of this podcast. Like I was meticulous in the storytelling of it. I wanted to tell flawless stories and I i would comb through the audio with a fine tooth comb and you know I would work with my producer and I would send them out tiny, tiny little edits like, no, no, I want this one word taken out. I want them to be flawless
00:10:56
Speaker
But I kind of curious and I kind of wonder if through that process of seeking flawlessness, if something if something alive and vibrant gets lost that maybe potentially these raw and uncut episodes will be better. There will be more interesting.
00:11:19
Speaker
And also I think I potentially will be freer as more free as an artist, as a creative person with no expectation.
00:11:31
Speaker
Like I'm, I'm literally like, I'm, it would be cool if people enjoyed it. Cause as a creative person, it's it's always more meaningful if it's meaningful for others. I don't believe in like purely just creating for myself. I want to make a contribution. I want to be part of a larger fabric.
00:11:50
Speaker
But I would say for these raw uncut ones, i I'm um'm gonna say it's like 90% just for me, maybe 95%. It would be great if these were meaningful, if these were entertaining, if these were inspiring for people. But if not, like I said, I'm literally not even gonna promote it. At least not in the beginning.
Focus on Meaningful Moments
00:12:13
Speaker
So that that's what I'm gonna be doing. Like I said, who knows how long
00:12:20
Speaker
But i I guess I would say that if you are a subscriber, if you're listening to this right now and you at all find it interesting, engaging, provocative, evocative, pass it on to a friend. like let's if If this is meaningful to you, let's do this like the grassroots old-fashioned way. No budget, bootstrapped.
00:12:53
Speaker
And there's one more thing. but As I was, as I had this vision, like 25 minutes ago, we're working fast here, folks. As I had this vision, I thought to myself, well, if I just record and, and kind of randomly riff,
00:13:18
Speaker
I think I will naturally gravitate towards things that are frustrating for me, things that I'm upset about, things that are bothering me, like negative stuff. because i i Unfortunately, I think I often default. um I like i yeah i i am ah default to negativity, unfortunately, or to like looking at what's not working versus looking at what is working.
00:13:48
Speaker
And the idea of everyday coming on here and bitching and moaning, complaining about life, or talking about all the ways that I feel frustrated or stuck, I'm like, that will be like a swamp of sludge. Nobody wants a swamp of sludge.
00:14:15
Speaker
So what I'm gonna do, at least what I'm gonna experiment with, in these life's effing nuts, raw and uncut episodes. I'm going to focus on like beautiful moments or interesting moments, cool moments, meaningful moments. And just see how that goes, you know? Cause, cause like, you know, like I'm a very process oriented person. I'm a very, I'm constantly,
00:14:48
Speaker
trying to make sense of what's working and what's not working in my process, in my worldview, in my thinking, in my time management, like where I'm putting my energy and focus. I'm constantly trying to make sense of all that.
00:15:09
Speaker
ah Wait, I just lost my thread. What was I saying? um
00:15:18
Speaker
I can't remember what I was going to say. I think the essential point is that and this this is this is why it's like truly raw and uncut because there's going to be these weird, potentially awkward pauses where I lose my thread. But I think what I'm trying to say is that there Even though I have a lot of things in my life that I, you know i'm very I have a microscope. if something if i'm like If I'm working through something or like there's not quite the flow that I want in a particular area of my life, like if work, if I'm like i'm like ah struggling and like not quite in flow with work, I have a huge microscope on that. And I could talk extensively about why I feel blocked.
00:16:08
Speaker
ah But I also, if I sort of take the microscope away, I think there are a lot of rich, meaningful, beautiful moments in my life. So I don't think it's a misrepresentation for me to focus on those things.
Reflections on Long Journeys
00:16:28
Speaker
Anyway, I'm not sure if that last part is entirely um necessary, that last little caveat that I made. Whatever, here we are. so
00:16:40
Speaker
I know in this episode I wanted to kind of explain what I'm doing here with this raw and uncut life's effing nuts. So it took me 16 minutes to do that. I think in future episodes I'm not going to give that whole spiel that I just gave. I'm just going to jump right into my meaningful, beautiful, interesting moment.
00:16:59
Speaker
um So I'll do a, uh, we'll see, maybe a short ish one today, given that I've already talked for 17 minutes and I don't know. That's a long time to hear someone talk, isn't it? Um, so my, my moment is this last week was Thanksgiving and I drove down, I live in Northern California. I drove down to Southern California to see my family and
00:17:30
Speaker
If you've listened to the podcast before, you probably have a sense or you know that I, for whatever reason, I like long journeys. I like long bus rides. I like long train rides. I like long car rides. I really, really enjoy long journeys. And and so you know re long can be relative because this journey, it takes about six and a half hours to drive.
00:17:56
Speaker
from Northern California to Southern California. So it's not so long because as you, for previous listeners, you know that I've been on like literally 54 hour bus rides. So six hour car ride is not that much, but it still gives me a little taste and it reminds me.
00:18:15
Speaker
And I think part of the reason I like Long Journey so much, one, I think it it like, It puts me into a kind of hypnotic state, the movement of it it. It settles my nervous system in a way that most things don't. So that's one huge benefit. It just, I like go into this hypnotic trance where I literally feel like I could just keep driving for hours and hours and hours and hours. I'm just like in the zone. I'm just like in this like humming,
00:18:52
Speaker
this like hypnotized drone state.
00:18:57
Speaker
Secondly, i i feel I feel like I have time to think. Normally my life is so fast paced and there's so many things to do and im I'm trying to be as efficient as possible. It's like a machine, my normal life. I just, I like live on this clock.
00:19:20
Speaker
And in in a lot of ways, like everything's scheduled, everything's planned.
00:19:26
Speaker
um
00:19:29
Speaker
And it's it's it's like, it can kind of gnaw on my soul. It's like intense to live like that, to just like constantly be in this state of productivity, of to-do lists, of schedules, of plans, of efficiency, of having to be on all the time. I'm a parent, so that's part of the part of the reason that my life is like this. There's just a lot that has to be done from the time I wake up prepping meals, packing my son's lunch, packing my lunch, um cleaning the house, doing the laundry, working, working out, nurturing my relationships and friendships. Like it's a lot. It's a lot. And so long journeys where I can't be, I can't ah multitask. I can't be productive. Like I'm just sort of, I am,
00:20:29
Speaker
confined to the journey.
00:20:36
Speaker
And so it's, it's, it's like a vacation for me almost. And, and I feel like I, my soul and my mind expand and my, and, and also at the same time, like everything just settles and congeals. Like my body relaxes, my mind relaxes.
00:20:57
Speaker
And so that's good too. And then I think the third part is I think I just do well and maybe all humans are like this. I do well with new environments and new stimuli to just be out of the same routine and predictability. I fucking hate predictability. Well, I think I'm, I'm like a schism kind of person. ah I have a duality to me. Some part of me.
00:21:26
Speaker
gravitates and defaults always to order, structure, routine, predictability, control.
Balancing Routine and Unpredictability
00:21:36
Speaker
Like left to my own devices, I i create, that's what I do. I create predictability, I create routine, I create structures.
00:21:45
Speaker
But another part of me hates it and is miserable around it, makes me kind of miserable. Like predictability is one of the worst things in the entire world for ah for for an artist, for for a seeker, for a spiritualist, whatever you wanna call me. Predictability is so numbing on the soul when like I can literally go through an entire week and nothing unpredictable happens.
00:22:11
Speaker
Or at least subjectively, like my, my, I have so much, like so much routine and so much structure and so much order that everything just feels predictable. Nothing surprising happens. Nothing new, nothing novel, nothing to make me open my eyes or open my heart.
00:22:32
Speaker
And so I think I do really well, even though I default to this structure and routine crap, I think I do really well in new environments when there's novel stimuli.
00:22:44
Speaker
And the last thing I'll say, when I'm on really long drives, I love, love listening to really good podcasts, because I can get so deep into the zone where I'm just like mainlining the content.
00:23:01
Speaker
remember I like last year, a couple of years ago, something like that, I drove ah to Colorado with my friend. he He was moving with his family and I went ahead of time with him in the moving truck. And we listened to podcasts and and for hours and hours on end, and I was just completely absorbed completely.
00:23:26
Speaker
Like I was living and eating and breathing the content of the podcast.
00:23:33
Speaker
So much so that like i I can just keep going and keep listening for like literally five, six, seven hours. My friend also very much enjoyed the podcast. After a couple hours, he's like, I need a little bit of a break. But for me, like i i li i I could just go and go and go and go. And it's one of the great pleasures in life for me.
Podcast Inspirations and Conclusion
00:23:54
Speaker
So as I drove down last week in my my black Cadillac CT4,
00:24:03
Speaker
I listen to this podcast called The Good Whale. It's a serial production New York Times podcast and it's the real life story of the whale who played Free Willy.
00:24:16
Speaker
The whale's name is Keiko. And it was a gripping story and really well done, like really good in-depth storytelling and journalism. And I was just completely absorbed for, I listened to the, I think it was six episodes. I think each episode was probably average three, 30 minutes. So it's not too long, but I listened to it straight through, straight through three hours, just like mainlining this story and this content.
00:24:43
Speaker
And just one of the great pleasures in life, man, long for me, at least long drives and in depth journalistic storytelling, the good whale. So that's my sort of beautiful and meaningful moment for the week. And this is life's effing nuts, raw and uncut.
00:25:05
Speaker
That's it. Take care.