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Raw 'n' Uncut: The Downsides of Being Likable 🫣
15 Plays1 month ago
Being likable is (mostly) good ... being TOO likable is, wellll...
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Life's Effin Nuts'
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome friends to another episode of life's effin nuts and your host JR life's effin nuts one man's stories and ruminations on being human in an upside down world. This is life's effin nuts raw and uncut. No editing, no production.
Spontaneity vs. Polish
00:00:21
Speaker
This is my own personal spiritual bath exploring different topics, doing what I love, which is talking.
00:00:31
Speaker
If you're looking for more polished, produced content, check out seasons one and two. Particularly season two, I think is my most polished content. There's some good stories there. But if you're more interested in riffing and ruminating with me, strap in, grab some popcorn,
00:00:53
Speaker
beverage of your choice and let's do this. All right.
Struggle with Agreeableness and Identity
00:01:00
Speaker
Something I'm thinking about today is niceness, niceness, being agreeable, being neutral, being bland, being vanilla.
00:01:16
Speaker
Throughout my life, I've been cognizant of
00:01:20
Speaker
a dynamic where on one hand I I've been a person who's who's like a rebel. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like um if I can feel that they're like anyone if like if if I can feel that someone has like an agenda for me or they're trying to control me in some way I bristle at it.
00:01:45
Speaker
um And so in some ways I'm like a ah defiant individualist.
00:01:54
Speaker
But, and and that's probably, well, I was gonna say that's probably how I'm generally, how people would generally categorize me. I actually don't know how people would categorize me, but I don't even know, and and I don't even know if that's true. I was gonna say that's probably how people categorize me, but I don't, not only do I not know how people categorize me, I don't even know if I believe that that's true.
Agreeableness as a Survival Strategy
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um
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and And so but I have this other part of me, you know, I was like, I guess that's all you got one I have the the rebel but this other part of me that i I think from a young age, I think I Love I love ah like Psychologizing myself Never never a great idea of friends to try to be your own therapist. I have a therapist but I I guess sometimes when I'm doing little audio recordings, I kind of serve as my own therapist, was in which is interesting, I think. um Anyway, it seems like from a young age, I kind of
00:02:59
Speaker
My strategy for kind of for making sense of the world, for making sure that my needs got met, um for making sure that I was safe, was to to be kind of neutral and bland and an agreeable and non-threatening and vanilla. That it seemed like that was my best bet for staying safe.
00:03:26
Speaker
kind of look at the world around me, identify any potential threats long before they actually become threats for me. um And if it's a particular person, try to like curry favor with them or um get on their good side, things like that.
00:03:45
Speaker
So I think from a young age, that was kind of my orientation that it just, and and ah you you know, pre-consciousness, I think like this, I wasn't, I'm talking like pretty young, like before I had a full conscious sense of self, it seemed like my my little, my tiny little developing unconscious brain or subconscious brain was like, this is how we stay safe. This is a ah chaotic, unpredictable world that we live in.
00:04:12
Speaker
And i I feel like I probably knew that just in my bones. And sometimes i you know i I think or I wonder about generational trauma just in our bones. We just know that terrible things can happen. And so it seemed like that was my my little tiny developing brain. It's like, this is the strategy we're gonna do. This is how we'll stay safe.
Conflict of Personas: Agreeable vs. Rebellious
00:04:35
Speaker
And so my,
00:04:37
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i well, like I said, I had this like i had this kind of like, pretentious persona, I think, that developed where I think I kind of knew that I had this instinct in me to be agreeable. And then I kind of like rebelled against myself in some ways. I'm like inside and and on like a deep level. I'm like, well, you know, I don't want to be just this like vanilla, bland, agreeable person, even though like that's my instinct. So I'm going to create this dual persona.
00:05:07
Speaker
I hope, I don't know if you guys can follow what I'm saying right now. I feel like I'm speaking and kind of like esoteric, abstract terms, um but try to stay with me. I think I'll actually, I think I'll get i'll get somewhere which we'll find ah relevant and interesting, I think, hopefully.
00:05:23
Speaker
um Yeah. So this like dual persona, almost as like a way of rebelling against myself. I'm going to like create this persona where I'm like, kind of like the cool kid and, and, um, kind of like the the rebel or the disruptor, the class clown.
00:05:42
Speaker
And yeah, so there was that. And so I think throughout my life I've kind of, you know have these two sides of me, these two separate personas. But I would say that when push comes to shove, the the stronger persona, the one that dictates more of my orientation to the world and my actions and like the more primal persona for me is the the agreeable one.
00:06:19
Speaker
Like when push comes to shove, if I truly feel like, and maybe this is also not current day, maybe a little bit when I was younger, um if I truly felt like I was in a threatening situation, like I need to survive, my my strategy, my my deeper strategy I think is agreeableness, be agreeable.
Roots and Instincts of Agreeableness
00:06:41
Speaker
And in some ways that served me well. Because I i do feel like I've become quite adept at You know, understanding people.
00:06:53
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um you and and And some of it is genuine. Some of it is a genuine desire to not cause harm, to you know to have to have good, healthy, clean friendships, um to be a good person, to be um generous and giving. some of Some of it is genuine. Some of it is survival. Some of it is genuine.
Downside of Over-Agreeableness
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um
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but But sometimes, i think I think the dark side of it or the side of it that causes suffering for me is that sometimes if I don't check myself, I can be like, I can agreeable myself into oblivion. I can be so i can become so oriented to being agreeable as like a primary guiding principle that i I kind of neuter myself. like i i I sort of cease to exist. that my From that place, from that survival kind of fearful place, the only thing that really matters is safety as opposed to like
00:08:10
Speaker
I don't know, like honesty or truth or self-expression or I don't know, like being true to myself and and making sure that I'm adequately taking care of what I need to take care of so that my needs are met, so that so that I feel like I'm in a good relationship with myself. So that's like the dark side, the the the cost.
00:08:40
Speaker
of excessive agreeability, excessive agreeability.
Awareness of Personas at 40
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and And so I think now, you know, when I was younger, a lot of these things were playing out in kind of subconscious ways. But now, you know, i i'm I'm older, I'm 40. And so now it's it's much more nuanced. I can kind of look at the different parts of myself and identify them and and be like, okay, well, i like in that situation, that scenario, I was leaning a little bit more agreeable. In that situation, I was leaning a little bit more rebellious. And I can just kind of like, it's iss not it's not a zero sum game. I think when when I was younger, it was kind of a zero sum game.
00:09:30
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Where am I going with this? Where are you going, JR?
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Speaker
That's the beauty of raw and uncut. I'm not entirely sure. Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I think where I'm going is I'm very curious.
Engaging with Multiple Truths
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A, I'm very curious how to hold multiple truths.
00:10:06
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So for instance, i i like I said, i it's a genuine thing for me. It's genuine. It's not just like a survival instinct or self-preservation. It's a genuine thing that I don't want to cause harm. I don't want to be an asshole. I don't want to be disrespectful. I don't want to be rude. I don't want to create bad karma. I don't want to create drama. I don't want to create toxicity.
00:10:27
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um I think there's value in being agreeable and being likable and having like warm interpersonal skills. That's that's a genuine thing for me.
00:10:42
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So that's true. But i I'm also curious what's possible for me in terms of
00:10:54
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engaging with the world in a way that's more engaging. Like it's kind of boring, for me at least, to move through the world with my vanilla persona.
00:11:11
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Like it's just kind of, not you know, like there's not, for me, if there's like total agreeableness and totally vanilla orientation, it actually deprives me of deep, deep, deep connection and intimacy. Like I don't think, yeah, I don't think like a deeply healthy intimacy can happen if there's a overwhelmingly agreeable orientation.
Exploring Personas through Acting
00:11:43
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And so I guess I'm curious, and and and when I say I'm curious, i've I've experimented in different ways with exploring different parts of my personas and different parts of how I express myself and how I show up. um But I think particularly on this morning, I have like a a particular curiosity around a little bit more experimentation. And I'll give you an example.
00:12:09
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so
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i I've throughout I shouldn't say throughout my life, but for years I've really enjoyed acting improv. Sometimes i've I've gone to actual improv classes. Sometimes I've kind of been in improvisational settings. And when I make the decision that I'm going to play and that and that that I have the permission to play that I'm not bound
00:12:39
Speaker
to quote unquote reality or to like that I'm allowed to explore what's true. I know how to do it in a big way. I i can like shift into this totally explore. um I don't know the word explore to explorative. I always forget that I don't know that word explorative or this exploring mode.
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um
00:13:06
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And I'll give you an example.
Intense Personas in Real Life
00:13:07
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So I used to be a pedicab driver, bike taxi driver in San Francisco. And I had a huge personality when I pedicab because it was just so physical.
00:13:20
Speaker
And I was so in my body and there was so many people and so much stimulation and just wads of cash flying at you all day and sunshine and elements. It's like it's such an embodied experience that that my normal kind of social filter would really almost disappear. There was just like no time to think. It was just so physical and so much energy.
00:13:47
Speaker
And so I had a reputation as a pedicab driver as being this enormous personality, which which was true. And so one time we had a ah customer call call our pedicab company and he talked he didn't talk to me, he talked to our manager and he said, hey, I'm about to propose to my girlfriend and we've had a long history in our relationship of just terrible experiences with transportation.
00:14:17
Speaker
from taxi drivers to um horse and carriage drivers that we've had just a long history and it's like this running joke in our relationship. So what I want, I want to hire one of your pedicabers and I want them to give us a terrible experience. And then eventually drop us off at this surprise party where I'm gonna propose to my girlfriend.
00:14:41
Speaker
And so my manager, he said, hey, I just got this call and he explained the situation to me and he's like, i you're the perfect person for this job. I want you to do this. And I said, okay, I'm down. And so I i go to, you know, I kind of get in the right head space and I ask questions of my manager to make sure I like fully understood what the role was that I was playing. And I kind of got into character and I went and picked them up and I went all in.
00:15:10
Speaker
like all in like when I went to pick them up I don't remember all the specifics of this point but like I hardly talked to them I didn't smile I was very short with them you know they asked me like hey like how's it going how's your day going are you have you been doing this a while and I was bit like I don't know a couple years or something like that and I would just like turn away from them and normally that that's the complete opposite of my personality And I remember also like, I was intentionally getting lost and they're like, hey, I think i think we're supposed to go left back there. And I was like, hey, I i' like i know what I'm doing. Like, let me do my job. Like really stern and intense. And I remember another time, like at a red light, I
00:15:53
Speaker
like pulled out my phone, which I would never, ever, ever, ever do. And I just started pretending that I was texting at the red light. And then the light went green and I just, stood I knew it went green, but I just sort of stood there or sat there with my phone texting away, pretending I was oblivious of the green light. And people start honking at me and honking and like the the passengers in the back, they're like, Hey, I think it's green. I'm like, I'm right. I'm like, all right. I see i hear it, man. It's fine. I got it. I know it is. And so like we did a whole like 45 minute ride like this.
00:16:22
Speaker
And it you know it felt really kind of scary and intense to be this way. cause Like I said, I i have a default instinct to be agreeable. like It's kind of scary to ruffle feathers or to to stir things up a little bit. But because I had this very specific edict,
00:16:45
Speaker
this role, this job to do, it was very easy for me to just play and explore within that persona. And eventually I dropped them off at the place and he walked his fiance in or whatever, assumed to be fiance into the party. And then he came back out and he's like, that was amazing, man. Like that was, that was perfect. That was the best thing I've ever experienced or something like that. And so there was like experiences like that. And then also,
00:17:17
Speaker
A close friend of mine, she ah ah for her birthday, she used to do these murder mystery parties, very creative person, and she would
Magnetic Pull of Engaging Personas
00:17:25
Speaker
write roles. for She'd have like 40 people at the party, and she would create this whole murder mystery scene, and she every single person would have a role, and she would send out know like a page-long description of the role to each person before the party.
00:17:40
Speaker
and then you get dressed up and you come to the party in character and and then you just kind of interact for a couple hours in your role. And again, when when there was full permission for me to play and there was a ah very clear kind of directive and I knew where I was orienting, I was able to just go all the way in, all the way in, like full on into character. And from that place, I ah i almost always felt Things were just so much more interesting and so much more exciting and so much more engaging and I would take so many more Chances socially I would be so I would like play so much more and I would explore and experiment and People would gravitate towards me. I always remember one of the parties and
00:18:29
Speaker
Like I could feel people literally like a magnetic pole coming towards me. There was like a, like I would be talking to one person. I could feel other people just like moving towards me and there would end up being like a small circle around me. Like, and I was creating this energy and everyone wanted to engage and play with it. But then I remember on this very specific party this one year, cause she would do it every year, soon as the murder, like, so but basically what would happen, the murder would be solved.
00:18:59
Speaker
And then people would kind of go out of character and for the rest of the party, you just kind of go back into your normal persona or whatever, whoever you are. And I remember... after the murder was solved and I was like, I went out of character. I had people coming up to me who who I had previously been connecting with when I was in character and I could feel them like excited to talk and excited to connect. And like, you know, like they, like they, it was like a puppy. But I i was out of character and and I went back to this like flat kind of bland, agreeable, predictable self. And I could just feel the energy just dissipate, just totally just dissipate.
00:19:39
Speaker
and like I could feel and I could see people like moving away from me and it was such an interesting phenomenon because I was like whoa like you know and before I was quote unquote in character and and being you know objectively kind of like untruthful because I was making stuff up and I was like acting like a different person But there was something alive about the other persona, the the more experimental
True Self vs. Expressive Personas
00:20:09
Speaker
persona. like There was something that actually felt more true about it because I was embodying it. I was i was really genuinely engaging with it and putting genuine parts of myself into that persona.
00:20:23
Speaker
And that always just struck me as very fascinating that like, I assume that like the vanilla, bland, agreeable, likable persona, that that's quote unquote me, you know? Because that's what I'm familiar with. that's That's who I, that's who's developed over years and years and years and years. But who's to say like that that is actually me?
00:20:47
Speaker
You know, and so it kind of it always kind of brought up the question of like, what does it actually even mean to be a person to have a personality to have a persona? And so anyway, I guess just this morning, I'm just thinking about in and I guess, you know, I said this morning, it's I'm particularly curious about it. But this is something throughout my life that I've always been
Play's Role in Persona Development
00:21:09
Speaker
fascinated by. it um these different parts of myself and what it means to play and when I have permission to play, when, you know, I wonder like, when is playing lying or potentially hurtful or deceitful?
00:21:24
Speaker
um Yeah, I just wonder about that. And I guess I don't I don't know if I have any way to like, wrap this up. um Like some some great proclamation or message to leave you with. I have no idea. um I guess it's more, you know, the raw and uncut version of Life's Effin' Nuts is very much ruminations. Ruminating, I'm just out of here, just out here on a Thursday ruminating, friends. Just ruminating.
00:21:57
Speaker
um
00:22:00
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I guess, i I mean, i if I had to land somewhere, I would say that for me personally, I think it's worth it to give myself permission to play a little bit more. And and maybe maybe it's consensual play. Maybe it's with friends. I say like, hey, I'm gonna explore and experiment with different parts of my persona, different parts of how I express myself.
00:22:32
Speaker
and and And kind of like within that experimentation and that exploration, kind of learning, maybe maybe there's elements of the experimental persona that I could integrate and incorporate in a natural way into my more normal persona. you know maybe Maybe that's one one way to do it.
00:22:53
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um
00:22:57
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And just generally, i think I think it will be something that I continue to think about. Like, am I going too far into my agreeable self and why?
Nature of Agreeableness: Genuine or Fearful?
00:23:08
Speaker
I think that's the important thing. Why? Am I going into the agreeable self because I genuinely um want to be agreeable because I believe that that's the right thing to do and and I want to create an agreeable energy, which, like I said, sometimes that's very genuine.
00:23:24
Speaker
i I don't like, I'm not trying out here trying to create drama. I'm not out of here trying to create harm. Sometimes that's very genuine. and But I need to ask myself, or am I scared? Am I doing it because I'm afraid of um being vulnerable, being seen, taking chances, et cetera? I think that's that's probably the takeaway for me. um That's the takeaway. So anyway, life's effin' nuts, right?
00:23:51
Speaker
my Life's effin' nuts. I'm JR. Catch you next time.