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Podcast 37 - Marriage Part 4
24 Plays5 days ago
Join us as we continue our series on marriage.
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Transcript
Introduction to Marriage Intimacy Series
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to Grove Hills Podcast. This may be one of the most interesting podcasts you've ever heard in your life. We've been talking about this before we came online. we're We're doing this marriage series and we kind of had laid some things out, knew we wanted to do some different topics and in conversation. We've done a great job, had our spouses in. So as you can see, we don't have spouses here today. It's just us three dudes.
00:00:32
Speaker
And it seems that God had the subject of marriage intimacy in front of us. So you can either turn off your your car radio right now, or you can hang in here and see where the road takes us on this conversation. Listen, we're talking about intimacy in marriage, but you know instantly your mind's drawn to the physical side of it. But clearly scripture talks about intimacy in a whole lot of different areas. Emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, ah relational intimacy, those kinds of things. And and if you're going to have a healthy marriage...
00:01:03
Speaker
It's about a well-rounded thing. In other words, you can't go into marriage just for the physical side of
Meet the Hosts
00:01:09
Speaker
it. and Just like you can't just go in and focus on the emotional and forget all the other sides of it. So you got John, my friend over here, who is our associate pastor, works with young adults, does all our discipleship. He's a jack-of-all-trades right here. does a little bit of everything. um He's been married 11 years, got three kids now.
00:01:27
Speaker
Three kiddos. So a little bit of experience there with lots of different kinds of intimacy. And then my friend ah Kyle over here, our student life pastor, two children, been married for 17 years. If you watched last week's podcast, you got to see him and his wife as they talked a little bit about marriage drift. And then, of course, there's me. Four children, been married almost 19 years now to Lisa, my second
The Importance of Intentionality in Marriage
00:01:52
Speaker
wife. um The bruises you see on me are from learning lots of lessons about intimacy and what what's needed for intimacy. So let's let's talk first of all about the intentionality that's required to have successful intimacy in your marriage, regardless of what kind of intimacy you're talking about. There's got to be intentionality. And we've talked about this for weeks now. That word keeps popping up. What do we mean when we say intentionality for those who are listening for the first time? um
00:02:21
Speaker
It's got to be on purpose. i Sometimes it's got to be on the calendar. like You might have to schedule a date night. You might have to schedule a conversation, ah whether it be about finances, whether it be about how you're raising your children. But you have to be so intentional with how busy things get ah for that time where you just connect with your wife. um Intentionality is key in that.
00:02:44
Speaker
um How would you measure the effect of just a simple question as a husband coming home to your wife and looking at her and saying, how's your heart? How does that, i mean, what what does that do for a woman? It's a game changer. It gives her a door that is opened, that is swung wide open, because sometimes as men, we want the door to be open for us. But and last time I checked from physical standpoint, too,
00:03:09
Speaker
we have to be the initiator. yeah And for us to open the door physically in the sense of you know opening a door, but then spiritually opening the door by of care. Because before a woman wants to get ah to a place of vulnerability, she needs to know that that's trustworthy. And things like questions, simple questions as you come home, begin to open the doorway for, okay, he cares about
Building Emotional Intimacy through Listening
00:03:36
Speaker
me. He wants to know how my day went. And by the way, for those of you who are listening, I'm not talking about just the newly married couple. yeah I'm talking about the couple that's been married 20, 25, 30 years. And you've kind of gone through the monotony of, oh, wow, the kids are out of the house. I just talked to a guy the other day.
00:03:54
Speaker
that doesn't stop no matter what season of life you're in yeah to to ask those questions to show i care about you in that intentional way to begin a conversation i think you said a key point and that's listening yes you might be able to open the door with that question yes but whatever comes out of her mouth you have to pay attention to very closely yes i was a fool a couple weeks ago And ah we were having a conversation and Ben, we were laying there and she's just pouring her heart out like, man, I'm struggling with this. I feel behind in this. I feel emotional in this. And she's just really going on and on And at the end of that, i was like, okay, it's time for bed. How can I pray for you? Right. And it's like, wait, you just dumped out everything that I could pray for you. And then I'm asking you how I could pray for you. And she looks at me and i was like, okay, I know what to pray for. Right. and it's like i she said it and i was hearing it but i really wasn't going like man these are these are things that i need to stand next to my wife in prayer in right yeah and so not just answering or asking that question but when the words come out of their mouth listening and acting on it and this is why we brought three dudes to the table to have this conversation because that's a perfect example of how guys come to those kinds of conversations with different expectations even different skills
00:05:05
Speaker
Most guys, when they ask that question of their wife, do not listen. They hear, but they do not listen. Because what they're doing is solving the problem for them. yes Let's fix this problem for them. And your wife's going, that's not what I'm looking for.
00:05:19
Speaker
you know um i also did that yesterday. so That's a really hard concept, by the way. good Because there's an innate
Maintaining Intimacy through Intentional Activities
00:05:27
Speaker
drive in us to fix some things. And some of those things in some places and settings are good.
00:05:33
Speaker
some places just be silent and listen uh so wives there's an encouragement there for you understand the makeup of your man by trying to fix it for you it is his way of loving you he's not trying to undermine what you're doing but by the same token guys you need to listen because there's sometimes hidden clues there to many other things that are going on in their heart that you need to be very aware of and and update on. So, you know, some practical things to help you with with intimacy being intentional. We've talked about date nights many times on here.
00:06:05
Speaker
Date nights can be as elaborate as a fancy dinner somewhere dressed up, going to a concert, as simple as, hey, somebody watch the kids, we're going to Walmart for two hours to walk around and laugh at people in their pajamas, you know, whatever it takes. uninterrupted conversation letting your kids go play in their room while you go sit on the back porch and chat or things like that putting technology away that's a huge huge thing and then another great one is just just learning in every season whether it's a busy season or a slower season learning to protect time that you have from each other So um let's let's talk about emotional safety, because we've we've said this before on here, and I've said it in our sermons a lot.
Creating an Emotionally Safe Environment
00:06:49
Speaker
Number one need of a woman is safety, different kinds of safety in their lives. um
00:06:54
Speaker
what what do What do we mean by safety? Because we're not talking about just physical safety, because every guy wants to protect us woman. What are we talking about when we say... safety for our wives. It could be exactly what we just talked about. Her sharing something, us not listening, she now doesn't feel safe.
00:07:08
Speaker
So it's like, it's not just a physical safety like, hey, I'm going to protect you, but it's handling all her emotions well and walking her through the things like that. now Yeah, I would say that safety that she's talking about, there will be times whenever in the life of any person, but let's just say, for instance, the wife, there will be moments in a spouse's life and the wife's life where there are elevated emotions, there may be emotions that are just even kill, you know, everyday mundane of life, but they want to know that you're going to be the same person that is trusted, whether their emotions are high or low. And they will say, man no matter what it looks like on the outside, he's solid and he's my safe place. No matter what it looks like, This is kind of like the the pillow to land on. May still be hard to say certain things, but at the end of the day, he is the trustworthy thing that I go to. Obviously the Lord, but God's put that other spouse in the life to be that emotional safety
Spiritual Intimacy: Praying and Worshiping Together
00:08:11
Speaker
net. My wife flipped the script on me this morning as I was sitting and reading my Bible. She came in and she said, I need to ask you a question. I said, okay. She said, do you feel safe talking to me?
00:08:20
Speaker
And my first thought was, I think you're pretty tough. I think I could take you. but She said, that's not what I mean. And I i knew what she was mean. I was just being sassy with her. But it was an interesting question. And I think it's a question worth asking our spouses.
00:08:36
Speaker
If I give you permission to talk, if I say to you, tell me how you feel neglected, unheard, unseen, do you feel safe enough that you could give me an honest answer? Or do you feel like there's going to be backlash? Do you feel like I'm going to come down on you? Is there going to be sarcasm involved? Or am going to shut down on you?
00:08:55
Speaker
So that's another area of emotional safety where you really create the safe space for all conversation. And even if what she says is just really, really off base, it matters because she feels it. You can't just discredit it. yeah um And I'm preaching to myself here.
00:09:12
Speaker
I'm really preaching myself here because many times my wife will say, You're not hearing what I'm saying, you know? And um'm I'm guilty of the same thing you're talking about there. um Spiritual intimacy.
00:09:24
Speaker
This is really, really important. If you're building your marriage around Christ, obviously, there needs to be a connection there. Obviously, every every all three of us would argue you've got to pray with your spouse. I tell couples when I'm doing premarital counseling, the most intimate thing you can do with your spouse is not sexual activity, it is prayer. yeah If you're doing genuine prayer, you begin to hear the heart of your wife in a way that you just can't. And if any spouses have tried that, you know it's the one thing
00:09:56
Speaker
the biggest thing Satan will attack. Yes. It's because he'll make you feel like an idiot, like you're not worthy, like you can't pray, all these types of things. You can pray in front of a group of people, you can pray in front of a church, you can pray in Sunday school, but it comes one-on-one with your wife, you suddenly get clammed up, right? And it's like, because this is what Satan does not want in your household, is the two of you aligning yourself with the Lord. Yes. Yes. And that's a great way to put it. um I like to say, we say it in a marriage conferences, at least in I do, that marriage is not about your happiness, it's about your holiness. and So that's why Satan comes after that. he He will tag your physical intimacy and he'll use that as a weapon, but if he can undermine your spiritual attachment to one another and your co-alignment and moving towards god man, he's he's done some real damage to why you were put together. he can then take the rest. You know, if he's got those areas, it's just a domino effect. Yeah. Yeah. So prayer together, obviously a huge priority.
00:10:50
Speaker
Talk to me about this aspect. I think this is one, especially in the Western church that we have diminished. and And I can explain why in a minute, but the idea of worshiping together as a couple,
00:11:02
Speaker
um I feel like when when families arrive at most campuses and modern churches today, first thing we do is we split them up into their age groups and into their women's ministry and their men's ministry or, you know, she's going to this while he's going to serve at that. So, so many times families just don't worship together anymore. yeah what What do you think that does to a marriage?
00:11:24
Speaker
It's a huge disruptor whenever um you are trying to fight for time together throughout. the i mean, families are trying to fight for just a handful of hours because ah they're trying to be the, as my friend said it earlier today, Kyle, you said ah they're trying to be the good parent in so many other areas, but yet they're not being the parent that God's called them to be, or they're not being the spouse that God's called them to be. And so sometimes we as the church although not intentionally, which gets us into a problem, we do the same thing when they step on campus. And I think we as a church are always looking and striving to say, how can we bring the family in harmony with maybe not being together always? We've got multiple things like a student event. We've got things that are men's and women's ministries, but we're trying to get them focused on the idea of what it looks like to follow God. And if we can get them collectively going in that direction,
00:12:21
Speaker
direction. And then, oh man, they want to go worship with mom and dad. They go to a student life thing, but man, i also want us want to worship and serve alongside my parents. That's the boat we want to get them in. And we have to fight for it day in, day out. And as the church, I think as the church staff, we have to fight for it even more because there are a lot of areas where we can kind of get sidetrack I know what some of you are thinking. You're going, okay, the pastors just told me I don't have to serve so I can go worship with my family. That's not what we're saying. no In fact, I would argue that the most productive way for a family to approach church is where will we serve, where will we worship yeah as a family. very much um you know If dad's doing safety in the parking lot, then mom can be helping with kids' classes. or you know if mom's being a greeter at the front door, dad can help out with the AV booth. Whatever. But then in another hour of your worship time, there needs to be a place where you're worshiping together. And if you can't do anything else, this is not ideal, but if you can't do anything else, then find pastor you enjoy, sit down one night a week and listen to a good sermon on on TV. Yeah, there's something about sitting next to your wife when you're listening to preaching or God's Word being taught. And like this last week was on, you know, marriage and stuff like that. And we're sitting next to each other and there's a hand squeeze every once in a while when we're talking about something. yeah And it's not like a, oh, you need to work on that. It's like, man, we walked through that. right man talking them And so to to be able to like navigate God's word and then have those conversations afterwards, man, what do you think about the sermon? Where you know where do you fall on that? There's just, it's it's a deeper level than just attending church by yourself or not attending at all.
00:13:58
Speaker
All of us have seen the old illustration, but the reason it's lasted as long as it is, because it's true, about the the legs of a triangle. Husband on in or one corner, wife on the other corner, and the closer they move towards God, the closer they move towards each other. yeah And there's this really stark reality to that, that it's just...
00:14:16
Speaker
it's just a fact the closer you move towards God number one you love God better which in turn makes you love your spouse better and and it gives you a better relationship um reading scripture together you guys read scripture with your wife Yeah, we walked through 1 Corinthians. We just kind of got done with the Romans. And ah as we read together, there are moments, kind of aha moments where you want to kind of grab your wife's hand. But even as we were sitting down on the couch the other day, ah and and I'm a weepy guy, i just, I get a little weepy sometimes. But we as we were talking about and kind of coincided with some things that I've studied in the last couple of months, but talking about an agape love.
00:15:01
Speaker
Those are moments my kids got to see. They were sitting on the couch over there and getting to see in those worshipful moments. And by the way, it was flipping on a ah video from Right Now Media where we were looking at setting things down to the kids' level, and it was a a cool way of engaging them. But me and Becca followed up on it, and we had a great conversation, and they got to see...
00:15:24
Speaker
me and Becca engaged with what God's word said in first Corinthians 13. And we got a little weepy because we've seen God's agape love towards us and all those things coinciding in that worshipful moment. That's what happens when we say worship with your family, you get to see and taste a little bit of God's goodness as he tries to insert himself into your family. But when you don't do that,
00:15:49
Speaker
Don't be surprised when you don't see those movements from God. I think something you have to be careful of when you're wandering through Scripture with your wife is not to use Scripture as a tool yeah yes against her, right? Like, yes hey, look at that, right? You need to focus on this verse right here, you know? But we what we should be doing is going, where's my part in this and how am I serving her yeah to counteract what she's experiencing in that, right? And so it's like, it could be it could be a place of contention if you do it in a wrong way. It should be very um thoughtful in that we're we're here to learn about the Lord. And then if there's something that's convicting to your heart, go for Read in context. It's totally okay. Don't get me wrong. It's totally okay to...
00:16:29
Speaker
to address your spouse on something, yeah but not to use, like, to to win the argument. This may shock people, but lisa and I do not regularly read Scripture together. we We consistently share what we read from Scripture, but we don't read it together all the time. We do sometimes. But, again, it's important because as I'm reading whatever I'm reading, like currently I'm reading Nehemiah, and I can't remember what she's reading, something she probably told me and wasn't listening. You didn't listen.
00:16:55
Speaker
um But she's reading something she's really into right now. And she sits over on the couch. I sit on the end of the kitchen table and she'll go, oh, let me tell you this. Let me read this. too So it's not like we're reading together, but we are. We're sharing each other's stuff. And it's kind of fun to do that and hear what God is speaking
Understanding Physical Intimacy
00:17:10
Speaker
to her heart. all right.
00:17:11
Speaker
The one we've all been waiting for, physical intimacy. Okay. um I'm blushing right now. Yeah. Yeah. We're all blushing right here at this point. Here's the thing. Physical intimacy is not a dirty thing. No. When it's done the way God intended it to be, it's a really, really good thing. Right? We love it. We enjoy it. It's... ah It's more than just about the recreational side of things. It's ah it's ah actually a fulfillment of the covenant that we created. ye This whole concept, this idea of becoming one flesh, that's part of that whole thing.
00:17:47
Speaker
Guys, if you're having trouble in this area, I would argue, I think you both probably would agree, I would argue that you need to back up to the emotional and spiritual stuff because that's where the real foreplay begins. Yeah. right Right. Yeah.
00:18:01
Speaker
It starts outside of the bedroom. Yeah. um If you're taking care of your wife in all the other areas... It's going to be an easier conversation when time comes to, and where do we begin the physical intimacy? I mean, you could go back to the word that you used earlier, of feeling safe. yeah Do you think anybody is going to want to be physically intimate with someone that they don't feel safe with? yeah And so if you're speaking negatively, if you're speaking harshly, if you're not tending to the emotional needs and you're not tending to the the family household needs, your wife does not feel safe around you. Yeah.
00:18:33
Speaker
And so to expect that person to go into a very extremely intimate place with you um is going to be forced. it's going to be It's not going to be a good place. yes But if you have a wife who is feeling safe, feeling cared for, feeling you're even going to have to ask for it You're not going to have to initiate. She's going to be in that that space, headspace already. um I heard someone say the other day there's there's time for physical intimacy that is not sexual intimacy. yes And so you know running your hands through her hair or massaging her feet, um your wife needs physical touch that's not sexual physical touch. And things like that.
00:19:14
Speaker
And it's not a ploy or a plan or a game, but things like that produce her wanting to be sexually intimate with you by you showing signs of wanting to be just there with her without the agenda of sexual intimacy. Yeah, and ah i'll I'll go ahead and be transparent. There were seasons in our marriage where there were questions of, ah you know, my wife loving me and being compassionate and her saying,
00:19:43
Speaker
Are you just touching me? Because, you know, that's, you know, one's not connected to another. Yeah, yeah. And so I think it helps me re-engage. Okay, how do I love her? Because I don't want her to feel burdened like that. I want her to feel... such a freedom because in a way you're talking about the whole emotionally, spiritually being naked. Well, then that plays itself into physically being, okay, I'm safe with you physically. I think communication is huge on this. And that's something you can say right up front and be frank with. Just say, I don't plan on anything happening tonight, but tonight I just want to be with you. Let's snuggle on the couch. Let's go sit on the front porch and hold hands, right? Give that indication ahead of time. There's no agenda to this. I just want to be with you. And guys, again, if there's a problem there, don't immediately jump to she's rejecting me. It could be exhaustion. If she's been through a really strenuous period of her life right now, or if she's not sleeping well, it could just be busyness. If their mind is occupied, women have sexual intimacy with their whole bodies. Whereas guys, it's just physical. It's not the mental, emotional, all that other stuff. I think you're saying there read the room. Right. Like if she's been going at like just exhausted, the kids gave her a hard day, everything else, and then you walk into the bedroom and you ready? It's not going to happen, okay? It's not going to be good. It's going to end fight. Serve her.
00:21:15
Speaker
Serve her. That's a great way. I had a friend who used to say... I would, he would say to me, i go home at night after work and I would just walking in the door, read the room. I know she's not, he said, I would vacuum.
00:21:28
Speaker
And she'd go, why are you vacuuming? Not for tonight. It's a deposit for later on. Hey. know? And, um, she used to laugh. That was pretty funny. Uh, I guess it worked. Uh, okay. Back to this whole idea of intentionality. You start from the ground up the basics. It's a covenant relationship. Yeah.
00:21:47
Speaker
honor all parts of the covenant. It's not just about one particular area or the other. you can You can focus too much on the emotional to the point where you miss some of the other signs of spiritual and physical. Believe it or not, women want to have sex with their husbands. They want to have that safe place. and And the issue, like you said, maybe you're not providing that for her so that she can feel free to come to that relationship that way.
Concluding Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage
00:22:11
Speaker
So good stuff there. Lots of good advice. If you are having issues, you need to talk to somebody, call these two guys. and They can walk you through it. As for me and my wife, we have no problems whatsoever.
00:22:27
Speaker
No, seriously. um we We do appreciate you joining us. These have been some interesting conversations. We'll be back probably with another topic next week. we We have not exhausted marriage, but we've spent a good bit of time here as we've been going through our family series. If you have not seen it, go to YouTube our Facebook page. Watch the marriage series, the family series. It's been a good walk through what the Bible has to say about those relationships for us. Kyle, you want to close us out in prayer today? sir. love to. Thank you, sir.
00:22:55
Speaker
Father, we are grateful for you designing marriage the way it is. And Lord, sometimes we bring our thoughts and ideas into that space and realm. So Lord, I pray that we can go back to scripture on what you said marriage is supposed to be, a Lord. And that's just two people honoring you with their lives and then serving each other in the same aspect, Lord. So Father, I pray that as each one of us who is married approaches that, Lord, that we just serve you first and then serve our spouse 100%, Lord.
00:23:26
Speaker
pray for those who are navigating relationships and whether to get married. I ask that they seek you in everything and all the decisions they make. Lord, thank you for being so gracious to give us the wisdom of your word and provide us with it.
00:23:40
Speaker
Father, we thank you for this conversation, this discussion. um I just ask that as we as husbands, we think of other things than just the one thing, and that we serve our wives with intentionality because we love them. We pray this in your name, Jesus.
Episode Wrap-Up
00:23:55
Speaker
Amen.
00:23:56
Speaker
Amen. Thanks again for joining us. We don't do this enough, but all of this doesn't just happen without our friend Jeff Tracy on the other side of this. right Thanks, Jeff, for all you do to make us look good, sound good. I assume you're making us look good. i don't know. It may be impossible to ask.
00:24:09
Speaker
Hey, come join us next week as we'll be back with our podcast. And, of course, if you're looking for a place to worship, we would invite you to join us at 8, 9, 30, and 11 each Sunday morning here in the middle of Chapel Hill that's right on Nashville Highway. We have a great time, great church, great people. and We'd love to have you come and join us. Until then, we'll see you next week. Yep, man, go home and vacuum. Bye. Bye.