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Podcast 31 - Emotions (Part 2)
44 Plays17 days ago
Join us as we discuss some strategies and methods for dealing with emotions.
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Transcript
Introduction and Gratitude
00:00:09
Speaker
Hey, welcome back to Grove Hill and to our podcast. We're excited to be back here with you this week. I want to say thank you to John and the ladies doing a fantastic job unpacking things. the The conversation, the topic around emotional baggage and how you deal with those things. I heard the ladies did a fantastic job. They did excellent. Yeah, looking forward to hearing that myself. We want kind of jump ah just to the next step in that a little bit. Maybe even jump forward to the step before that. A subject that I feel like but comes up all the time in church and church ministry because as pastors we come across counseling situations where immediately you begin to hear the story and people impact what's going on, your first thought is,
00:00:48
Speaker
I wish have come to me two months ago. I wish you'd have talked to me about this before
The Necessity of Early Counseling
00:00:52
Speaker
it got to this point. It seems like even even the strongest of Christian followers, we want to try to to be independent, to try to suck it up, try to see if we can make it. And we get to that point where things are at a point of desperation before we're willing to reach out to help. So talk a little bit about that idea. Don't wait until your life is breaking apart before you start opening up and let other people in there.
00:01:16
Speaker
um I love this quote. It's just one I just shared with him before coming online. It says, we value independence, but Scripture values interdependence. um The danger of not just having to go through a life of pain, but having to go through unnecessary pain. So Kyle, we're not just talking about counseling, which we all, I think all three of us support very strongly, biblical counseling. um and And let me underline biblical there.
Professional vs. Community Counsel
00:01:44
Speaker
We're very careful to always say that here because there's a lot of people who pose themselves as Christian counselors who don't really align with scripture. So we want to make sure people are biblical in their counseling.
00:01:54
Speaker
We support that 100%. But here today we're not really talking about the the use of a professional counselor. What we're talking about is the wise counsel of people in our life, those people that God puts in our circle of influence. So speak a little bit to that ah from ministry experience, but also maybe even from some what you've seen in your law enforcement experience. Yeah, I think ah men specifically, um we have the mindset of we can handle it on our own. Or we exhaust all of our options before we bring someone else in. And a lot of times it ends with the emergency, right? And so we saw this, I saw this a lot in law enforcement when i would, you know, respond to a call about their kid, right? And I'd start talking to them, asking questions. Hey, when did this all start? Well, six months ago we saw this pattern. Four months ago we saw this pattern. has he Has he received any help? No, right? And it's now they're in an emergency situation yeah um where if they would have the first initial symptom, they maybe could have addressed it with some seeking counsel from another
00:02:56
Speaker
you know, family who's raising kids or a
Discipleship and Accountability in Groups
00:02:59
Speaker
professional. um But a lot of times we push it off, push it off, push it off until it's like, we have to get this done or something really bad is going to happen. yeah And so the maintenance side of it, like you said, it doesn't have to be professional counseling. It could be a discipleship group where you just bat the ideas off another guy. Hey, my family's going through this right now, or me and my wife are going through this right now. What are your thoughts? Yeah. ah the The old saying is an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Never more evident than in this this subject we're talking about today, right? yeah You talk a lot and teach a lot and train a lot in our church on discipleship and the use of small groups. Speak to that level of accountability and what it can do yeah for a believer. Yeah, and one of the things I want to point out whenever for any of you listeners out there, when we as pastors try to get you engaged with this, with biblical community, we aren't doing that just so it's like, oh yes, we've got 102 people now, or we've got 150. This is because we see the day-to-day devastation that it wrecks upon families and lives whenever that biblical community is not approached from a standpoint of, oh wow, there's this amazing tool that is right here at my fingertips that God wants to use
00:04:16
Speaker
to rework my life and reshape my life. I look at it like this. I thought about this analogy. If you had weeds all around your house and you had two tools, one was a pair of scissors and the other one was a weed eater.
00:04:29
Speaker
It's like we go to the scissors all the time and we're like, this works. We can get it done. That's right. You can get it done
Preparing for Challenges in Marriage
00:04:36
Speaker
that way. And sometimes those scissors will break down on you, but the weed eater, man, it's the effective way. And if you would use it in the way it was intended to be used, yeah man, ah look at the difference that it would make. That's what life group does. That's what small groups do. Some of you, you know, at your churches may call it a Sunday school.
00:04:56
Speaker
But what that biblical accountability in those groups do, they point you to Scripture. They point you to the accountability of saying, hey, I'm noticing this in your life. So that's what it is. And I believe we need to not look at that as just a checkbox.
00:05:12
Speaker
but as a spiritual growth, a discipleship factor in every one of our lives. Yeah. There's a kind of an old saying that goes around for a true soldier. The time to prepare for war is not when the battle has started. It's before the battle ever ever arrives.
00:05:29
Speaker
And I think that's true. I think for me, where I see it more often than not is in marriages that come and sit down in my office. Somebody will come in and say, we're at a point where we're we're not even talking to each other. We're on different pages. Sometimes they'll go so far as to say we don't love each other anymore.
00:05:46
Speaker
Every bit of that, 100% of that can be corrected before the problem ever becomes the problem. It's being willing to be open and accountable to people in your life. When when I'm doing premarital counseling with couples, I challenge them, find an older couple who's walked the walk, who's lived the journey. Doesn't mean their marriage is perfect. In fact, Finding imperfect marriages is probably easier, you know, ah to gain wisdom from them. It's like when you tell your kids, i don't want you to have to go through what I went through. I want you to learn from my mistakes. So I imagine both of you probably have some people like that in your life. Is that a case? Is that something you do? what do you How do you handle that with them? How do you talk to them about it?
00:06:25
Speaker
Are you talking about the emergency status or are me looking towards other people? was Looking towards other people. Yeah, so my wife and i from the beginning of our marriage, ah we assess marriages. And so we look at your marriage and we might say, hey, these are good qualities that I see that we want to follow. yeah And here's an area that we want to be aware of. Not necessarily with you, okay? You're doing great. He's never talked to me about my marriage. But we analyze people who are following the Lord.
00:06:52
Speaker
And we say, man, that's a good habit, right? And we want to mimic that. um
Learning from Experience and Silent Faithfulness
00:06:56
Speaker
Some it's more on a personal level level where we actually talk to people about their marriage and how they handle things. But there's definitely multiple couples in our life that we go, okay, these are the standard of what we're trying to achieve right now. Even though we're only at 16 and a half, 17 years, these people may be at 40 years. And so they have a lot of life under their belt that we can look to for guidance.
00:07:17
Speaker
How about you? You have somebody? Yeah, I mean, there's been people along the way that we've looked to, and there's some people that were like, we're not going to the end. And sometimes it's the ones that volunteer. Hey, come learn from it. No, I want somebody that honestly will refrain from giving advice sometimes and that will...
00:07:38
Speaker
let it be an evidentiary kind of model. Like I want to see it work. i want to see it in person. And I love those couples that there is silent faithfulness. Right. And so that's what God's calling me to. God's not calling me to this boisterous, like, Hey, look at me, look at the way that I look.
00:07:57
Speaker
No, it is quiet and almost a silent faithfulness as you pursue God sometimes. And as you also pursue your spouse. So finding that person, and there's a couple of people that we've, kind of pinpointed and we've asked for some wisdom along the way.
00:08:12
Speaker
I would say that Lisa and I do the same kind of thing. um And this is one of those, just another one of the many checklists of things why it's so important that you be engaged in a body of believers through your church and through your small groups and Because many times the things we learn from other people isn't necessarily from conversation. It's from Lisa and I riding home from event. Did you hear them talking about that? That was a great idea. right I love that they are affair-proofing their marriage in that way or that they're holding communication checkups that way or they're intentional about things. And I think that's that's exactly the kind of stuff we're talking about. You don't have to sit with a professional counselor and pay $100 and $150 an hour in order to get that kind of wisdom. There's a place and a time for that. But I think that most often God speaks to us through the people in our lives more even so sometimes than the scriptures around us.
Dangers of Isolation and Importance of Openness
00:09:02
Speaker
ah You look at like Moses and Jethro. The story of Moses is he's leading the people of Israel and he's trying to do it all by himself and Jethro comes along, his father-in-law says, hey bro, you're going to wear yourself out. You've got to put something in place. Or David and Nathan, after David has sinned with Bathsheba, he has Nathan the prophet who comes and speaks into his life and says, hey,
00:09:23
Speaker
you've sinned that takes a lot of guts to to make that kind of statement to the king but david because he was humble enough he listened and he learned from it the bible has a lot to say about this we were looking at some verses here before we came in proverbs is full of this kind of wisdom but but listen to some of this proverbs 11 14 without guidance a people will fall but with many counselors there is deliverance Proverbs 12, 15 says, Let me ask you something. If somebody walked up to you, one of your friends looked at you and said, you are a fool, would you be offended?
00:10:01
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I mean, none of us wants to have that label hang on hung on us, but the Scripture clearly says right here, That's the way a fool acts. We isolate ourselves. We listen to our own propaganda about how we're living our lives. And isolation does no good. Isolation very simply just creates your own echo chamber when you hear what you want to hear about what's going on in your marriage. It's not my fault. It's her fault. know If only she would do so and so.
00:10:28
Speaker
Proverbs 15, 22 says, plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. So there's a lot of good wisdom here. So what's what's the big issue? Why do people not take more advantage of this?
00:10:42
Speaker
i I think it's ah the vulnerability part of it because it is, you have to be very open when you share, you're having struggles. But we see a lot of it when it comes to the emergency point, you know, getting a call on a a Saturday night or whatever about just yeah your world ending, right? um And it's kind of like maintaining your car. and If you had your check engine light come on,
00:11:04
Speaker
and you just ignored it, and then your oil change comes along and you ignore it, and then pretty soon you're dead on the side of the road, and you have a tow truck and someone else and a buddy come pick up your family, and all these people are involved and it costs you money.
00:11:19
Speaker
um when you could just go for the maintenance aspect of
Community Impact During Pandemic
00:11:22
Speaker
it, right? And tending to it as it goes along. And so it's the whole idea of getting in a life group, getting in a discipleship group, and asking those questions. Hey, my wife and I are struggling with communication.
00:11:33
Speaker
How do you guys handle it, right? and touching those maintenance items so that it doesn't get to the emergency blow up because often when it's at the emergency blow up for a lot of couples they consider it too late right we know that there's redemption from jesus in the story but when it's into that point where infidelity has happened all these things it's really hard to navigate that and and come back to ah a redemptive story and so maintain maintenance of it is way cheaper, way easier, way less hassle than actually dealing with an emergency. I want to tap into that. And to your point, Ridley, we've mentioned small groups, the accountability, exposing yourself to more than just yourself. Because we hear that a lot. Oh, I can do this by myself. Well,
00:12:16
Speaker
look at the effects of what the isolation and COVID did. Look at all those things that it it did to people. great And you saw some crave for community. And then the ones that you did see that isolated, the amount of emotional and even physical damage that it did to them at that point. But what I would say is why behind, a little bit of behind the curtains of why we do what we do at Grove Hill Church,
00:12:39
Speaker
we have life groups that aren't dedicated to a specific age group. Yes. We love to see these multi-generational where you have a couple that's a, you know, late twenties, early thirties, they're walking through the first few years of marriage. They got a little kid running around the house. And then you've got grandparents that their kids have left the house. They've got, they've got brand new grandkids on the way and they have a wealth of experience, not just from a, Hey, how'd you get along in your career, but how did you follow Christ in this season? And there's so much rubbing shoulders that we see done in a healthy and a desirable preventative way. Uh, whenever it comes to knowing Christ and following Christ through some hard circumstances.
00:13:24
Speaker
It's so funny. Um, when it, when it comes to like our kids, our teenagers, We are very anxious to put them in the company of older people for them to learn, whether it's a baseball coach or a band teacher, youth ministry, putting them in in with the you know adults who've lived the life. But for some reason, it's like when we hit our 20s, suddenly we think we don't need to learn from anybody anymore. We've got it all figured out or something. I don't know. But between a combination of pride and Maybe even a fear of what we might actually learn about ourselves.
00:13:57
Speaker
You're right. We isolate ourselves so badly from the very things that can heal us and open up some of those wounds for us. I think you looked up Proverbs 27 before we came online. Verse 27.6. 27.6 says, The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive. Yeah.
00:14:16
Speaker
Yeah. So, wisdom there.
Courage and Humility in Seeking Counsel
00:14:18
Speaker
Be careful who you surround yourself with. It's good to surround yourself with people, but don't surround yourself with people who aren't going to be man enough to look at you and tell you the hard things you need to hear. um You know, like the wife who looks at you and says,
00:14:30
Speaker
maybe you've been on a few pounds that's time to eat a little better you know uh she's not trying to hurt your feelings she's just trying to look out for you um so i think the wisdom of listening also has to be accompanied with the humility to take what's being said to you and learn from those things um when's the right time to counsel with somebody how do you know when that moment comes I would say there's always a ah good time. The right time is any time that somebody desires counsel. I think that's when we go to the other end of the spectrum of, oh, I don't need it. And I'm looking and you know at the man in the mirror, as ah Mr. MJ would say. I'm just kidding. Not the greatest reference. But I say that because we have to come to this point of saying, I can't do it.
00:15:23
Speaker
I can't do it. And from Christianity's perspective, as we look towards Christ as the author and the finisher of our faith, we have to realize that we're not the finisher. We're not the one that is the completer of our faith. We can't justify ourselves. We can't justify the problems that we're going through. God has to be the one that bridges the gap. in all those areas. And so we need to start pursuing. It's the whole prayer, kind of like the prayer situation.
00:15:48
Speaker
We want to see how can we fix a problem. And then we want to consult God when we're fifth or sixth down the the line. And, oh, I can't figure it out. I guess I'll throw it to God. Yeah. Yeah.
00:16:01
Speaker
I think another key, we just mentioned the word humility is Don't just be willing to seek the counsel of other people, but be willing to do the counsel other people. um I think that's, again, another pride issue. That stings. Yeah, it does. Because you can listen to counsel all day. In fact, I think we're in a culture of we get fat on the counsel, on the the wisdom.
00:16:24
Speaker
we get We get so consumed with that, but what have we done with it? yeah are we Are we putting it into action? Yeah. I mean, it's the same way we approach God, right? We say we love the Word of God and we go there to look for answers, but when the answers come, quite often we're just kind of, I don't know if but I want to go to that. it's kind of That's kind of way too committed for That causes change. Yeah. Change
Confession, Healing, and Trusted Advice
00:16:45
Speaker
is hard. Change is hard.
00:16:47
Speaker
Here's another verse. Kyle, handle this one for me. Sure. Confess your sins one to another that you may be healed. Yes. Yep. When sin is about in our life, we go back to the isolation thing. And when we go back to isolation, we're not seeking counsel. and We're not seeking counsel. We end up with the emergency. um It is much easier for me to go to John and just confess a sin right up front so that the air is clear. And then I'm not having an issue in six months from now, right? And so if there's something I've done against my wife um and i don't confess that to her, first to God, but then I don't confess that to her, there's a disconnect between us and things are going to go down a bad road, right? And so again, vulnerable, hard, it's not an easy conversation, but to be able to confess and get that in the open, you can't fix something that's in darkness. You can only address something that's in the light. And so bringing it out into the open is the best thing to do, even if it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. yeah yeah
00:17:51
Speaker
So I think the way that you go about beginning to put this kind of counsel in your life or invite this kind of counsel in your life starts by identifying three or four people that you trust, that you've seen evidence of Christ in their life. Again, we're we're talking about wise counsel, not just any counsel. Lord knows social media has got plenty of counsel out there, but we want wise counsel. To find those three or four people in your life who you look in the eye and say, you have permission to say to me the hard things. so Which means you can't go to the the hallway at church and say, how was your week? Fine. How was yours? Fine. Good. I'm glad we checked in with each other. Right. Accountability. yeah Yeah. There's our accountability. You've got to be willing to go below the surface um to really genuinely ask and listen because you you know you want to be a counselor for them as well. You want to have a voice of reason that's there. Again, you want to be willing to listen to
Community Connection and Emotional Support
00:18:48
Speaker
that. But you've got to be intentional, especially if you fall on that...
00:18:51
Speaker
that side of the line we call introverted because it's real easy just to hide yourself in the corner of the worship room and never really be engaged by somebody. So ah that that's something that's got to take place.
00:19:05
Speaker
And again, just maybe being very, very super intentional to say, I'm going to take my friend, John, and we're going to go sit and we're going cup of coffee and we're not to leave the table until we've had some really serious conversations about how we can hold each other accountable in this.
00:19:20
Speaker
um And then be consistent about it. I had one friend in seminary who used to always say, man, we're we're counseling you know each other. We're encouraging each other. We're holding each other accountable. And I would see him like once every six weeks. and conversations were probably more like what I just referenced a minute ago. How are you fine? How are you fine? i thought, man, that's not real accountability. It's...
00:19:43
Speaker
It's a superficial friendship. of being Yeah, this would probably be a good time to mention some ah maintenance on your discipleship group. My first couple of years at Grove Hill Church, I was part of a discipleship group, and I think we met three times in a year, right? And that's not a discipleship group. That's an annual check-in. um so make sure that you get with a group of guys that you can consistently meet and the schedules match up whatever it may be um so that you're constantly in the word and have accountability amongst other men that that's one of the reasons why i i'll tell anyone that i have a conversation with inconsistency is one of the greatest killers of close relationships with christ if you have inconsistency you know, oh yeah, you know, I picked up, you know, my Bible, me and my wife had a Bible study, you know, once a month. I'm like, last time I checked, like i't I can't go without water on the daily.
00:20:35
Speaker
I need that. So what makes me think that I can go without this for this long of time? And I would say that with the the accountability and the community that God's designed. That's good.
00:20:47
Speaker
A couple of words of advice, and then we'll we'll kind of bring this to a close. Number one, what you don't talk about will eventually control you. Just because you ignore it doesn't mean it goes away.
00:20:57
Speaker
um It's not like a bug bite. If don't pay attention to it, maybe it'll eventually disappear. The strongest people in your life are the people who are already connected to others. Hmm.
00:21:08
Speaker
Because to me, what that indicates is that they already have a healthy lifeline themselves. yeah They're not living independently. Sometimes I've seen it where this guy over here who's kind of isolated and this guy over here isolated will come together and it turns out to be kind of bad because neither one them were healthy to begin with. yeah So I'm not saying that can't work. I would just say you've got to have other people in your life who are really engaged and are participating actively and discipling and and encouraging other people. So couple questions as we're closing this up. Who is speaking into your life right now?
00:21:42
Speaker
who if Immediately when I say that, who's the person you would think to that you would say, hey, those are guys that I know that if I'm in trouble, they're going to speak truth to me and they're going to be willing to throw me the life preserver so that I can get out of what I'm doing. When's the last time you invited their counsel into your life?
00:21:58
Speaker
Again, going back and speaking to the consistency of that counsel. um all three of us could probably sit here very quickly and think of people who have come to us for counseling and they come about once every six months or once every year and you're going this isn't doing you any good um all we're doing is rubbing a little ointment on the wound and it's not going to fix things yeah uh and then what is it that you are carrying emotionally right now i'm leading right back to the baggage from last week What is it that you're mostly carrying right now that God never intended you for you to carry alone?
00:22:31
Speaker
Part of the reason why we have spouses. Definitely part of the reason why we have Christian brothers and sisters. definitely the reason why God gave us the church to be a part of and and love on each other.
Proactive Counseling and Engaging Community
00:22:43
Speaker
um So our encouragement to you today, all of us have been at that place. All all of us have counsel in our life, have been at counsel. I will tell you, these two guys are two of the closest people in my life right now. I know that if I needed them, either one of them would drop what they're doing and be there for me. And I hope they know that I would do exactly the same for them, that we can speak truth to one another, even things that we don't necessarily want to hear, need to be heard.
00:23:06
Speaker
especially when it comes to our spouses, how we preserve those marriages and work on those marriages. So don't wait until your life is falling apart. Don't wait light until life backs you in a corner before you're starting to reach out in the way you need to. Counsel is something the Bible strongly, strongly, strongly not only illustrates for us, but encourages for all of us, not just those who are weak. um Be pre prevent preemptive, intentional.
00:23:33
Speaker
All right, so speaking of potential, we're going to close with a prayer real quick. I hope you will join us next time. Click, like, share. Tell people about what you're watching, where you're getting your information from.
00:23:45
Speaker
Tell them how wise we are with our counsel. No, seriously, continue to join us. And again, again continue to give us feedback. last couple of weeks, I bet several of you told us about listening to different shows and how much it meant to you. And that really encourages us. So, John, if you don't mind praying for us, we'll be dismissed today. All right. Heavenly Father, we thank you for ah your graciousness and the fact that you call us into community with you, that you call us into community with your spirit and your church. And so, God, if there's an opportunity that's presenting itself, there's some area that we have been called to. Maybe it's ah a life group. Maybe it's a closer walk with our spouse. Whatever it is, God, I pray that we would first approach you and just simply walk alongside you as you direct our lives to wherever it is we need to go.
00:24:36
Speaker
God, we pray that all of this has been blessing and it has been worshiped towards you. We love you and we thank you in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. We'll see you next week. Bye.