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Podcast 36 - Marriage (Part 3)
24 Plays2 days ago
Join us as we continue our series on marriage.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Series and Guests
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome back to Grove Hill podcast. We're excited to have you back again as we continue our series over the next few weeks on marriage. I'm trying to cover different aspects of marriage. We've got guests here today. Again, over the last couple of weeks, we've tried to include some of our staff and their spouses. So today I have Kyle Hess, our student pastor, who has been here, what, three years almost? Yep.
00:00:31
Speaker
Getting close. Yep. And Kyle, who's been with him, mean, excuse me, Kelly, who has been with Kyle for at least three years. Oh, yeah, for sure. Exactly. As far as I know. little more. Yeah. Kyle and Kelly have been a huge blessing to our church. They great job working with our students, a real gift to our congregation. And not just in the area of students. I think it's real good that they're here talking about marriage today because I think they do a great job of modeling a godly home and a godly lifestyle.
Understanding 'Marriage Drift'
00:00:55
Speaker
So they have all the answers. Nope. And we just thought we'd invite them to have this conversation today. I want to start off with just this realization, this this statement of fact.
00:01:05
Speaker
I've never in 40 years of ministry ever come across a couple who just overnight decided to split up or to separate. There has always been this slow drift and you know what they say about hindsight being 20-20. You get to this counseling session with them, you look back and you go... You know, your problem wasn't last week. Your problem started five years ago where you slowly started scheduling things differently, visioning your future differently, those kinds of things. um Why does a marriage feel so much easier when you are dating and courting your future spouse than it does after you get married? Mm-hmm.
00:01:43
Speaker
Who wants to answer that question? I can answer that. I think because it's all new and exciting. And so like you don't know anything yet. So you're getting to know them. You want to know all the things. What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? What do you like to do? yeah It's all new.
00:02:01
Speaker
Yeah. It's funny you say that about wanting to know everything about them because you ask all those questions
Cultural Challenges to Marriage
00:02:06
Speaker
and then five years later you ask man and he goes, I don't know. It's like you forgot everything you asked. Yeah, for sure. What were going to say? Yeah, just you're very intentional and there's an intentionality beside pursuing. You want to put your best foot forward so you're pursuing with...
00:02:20
Speaker
a greater oomph. You're putting things together, you're planning things more intentionally because you want to impress this person. um And over the years, that might change because, you know, people get married and go, well, I got them. Now we kind of go into cruise control, you know. and so things things are And so things can be very different from when you're dating to just a few months or years into marriage. Right. So what we're talking about today is a phrase we use, marriage drift. The slow descent into miscommunication, disconnection, being roommates more than being partners. So I want to start by talking about the reality that our culture, I mean, ever since marriage was first conceived, there's been opposition to the idea of marriage, there's been obstacles for marriage. But it seems like now more than ever, the culture is...
00:03:12
Speaker
bleed opposition to the idea of man and a woman for life. the other um what What does that look like for a couple that's trying to do the right thing, but just at every turn, whether it's a TV show or even your friends or your kids' friends, what does that look like? How do you battle that kind of thinking and that kind
Commitment and Shared Values
00:03:31
Speaker
of mentality?
00:03:31
Speaker
Yeah, so it's not, it doesn't take long to realize that um culture is very much about self. and marriage is very much not about self. It's about the other person and about where you are with the Lord.
00:03:44
Speaker
But everything in this life, commercials to advertisements to your scrolling on Facebook, whatever it is, it's telling you that you are number one and you deserve this and that.
00:03:55
Speaker
Well, that kind of mindset, bringing that into a marriage, automatically puts this block between you and her because you're saying, what about my needs? What about my position? What about my authority? Whatever it may be. And it's a very selfish approach.
00:04:08
Speaker
Well, the culture is just feeding that constantly. And that's not how marriage works. Right. I think an important thing like that we did was, I mean, one, we were following the Lord and seeking the Lord for our relationship.
00:04:22
Speaker
But then also we went into it with the commitment that this isn't to be broken. That's right. um there There was not going to be talk of divorce. There was that wasn't even an option on the plate um for the future.
00:04:36
Speaker
And so going into it with that mindset like is huge. Because you started off strong without the option of breaking it. sure yeah I always laugh at that little joke that people say, divorce was never an option. Death, maybe, but not divorce.
00:04:53
Speaker
Yeah, we we have those hard seasons and there are difficult moments. And you you joked about a minute ago. You don't have all the answers. You just have this common commitment that you're working towards the same goals
Balancing Busy Schedules in Marriage
00:05:03
Speaker
and the same thing. Which, backing up,
00:05:06
Speaker
um it's why i think scripture teaches us, but churches like ours reinforce this message. Don't marry someone who doesn't have the same passion for Christ. That's right. That's right. um Even, even people who want to follow Christ can be unequally yoked because if you're, if you're ah a girl and you're, you're trying to marry a guy who is just a, like a very immature Christian, you're going to be dragging him around the rest of your life. yeah Yeah. You know, um,
00:05:35
Speaker
So that's an area where you can kind of start with this whole concept of, ah hey, we're going to be married. We're going be on the same plane, working in the same direction. We're going to have the important conversations because healthy marriages just don't happen on accident. um And then, you know, the things that pile up, scheduling. So you you don't know this yet, but Kyle Kelly have two kids, very active kids, just like any kids their age. Kyle runs a very successful student ministry.
00:06:00
Speaker
Miss Kelly is baking goods and selling goods and doing all kinds of stuff. She's a sweet little homemaker doing her thing. So there's a lot of places where there could be friction and tearing at the family schedule. How y'all work those things out? Real life. We experienced that last year.
00:06:16
Speaker
um And we as we as a couple had gone through a very trying thing with some stuff in our personal life and personal family. ah Ministry was heavy.
00:06:26
Speaker
and we kind of went into cruise control on our marriage. And it there was no intentionality behind it. um There was a very dry spell, so dry um that we had never experienced anything like that in our 17 years of being married.
00:06:42
Speaker
um to the point where we were very stale and to ah there was no desire to be with each other. Like we would just be okay being in separate rooms and it made both of us weep in sadness because we had never been to that point.
00:06:59
Speaker
No. And how did that make you feel when you were in that? No, one day I was like, I had the thought. I was like, you know i don't I don't care if he goes and does something. I don't care if he, you know, just comes home after work or whatever. And I was like...
00:07:14
Speaker
That scares It scared me. i have never felt that. And we've been together a long time. And I was like, something's not okay. yeah What happened? I didn't know where it came from.
00:07:26
Speaker
just happened. So instead of wrapping arms around each other and walking forward through all these things that we were going through, we're both kind of dealing with it in our own way and not checking in communicatively with each other. um And really, i think you spoke some truth to me at one point, and you didn't even know what was going on.
00:07:44
Speaker
and you said how are you serving your wife and i went home that day and i'm like i'm not serving my wife and so i went into 100 intentional whether i felt it whether i loved it
Personal Story: Serving in Marriage
00:07:54
Speaker
whether i hated it i served her massaged her feet did the dishes asked her what she needed how can i pray for you and just went full on 100 serving my wife she resisted it for about a day and then it went and everything went back to normal of what we knew.
00:08:10
Speaker
And so we had lost the intentionality as a couple in pursuing each other, pursuing the communication and what we were going through. We've been through much harder things before, but with communication and walking through it, we're still on the same team. But we had lost sight of that in that moment. So let's go back because we probably should have done this at the very beginning. Y'all were high school sweethearts, middle school sweethearts? all High school sweethearts. How long ago? yeah ah We met freshman year, end of freshman year. and she was 13, I was 14. All right, so y'all dated for how many years?
00:08:41
Speaker
We started dating junior year. We dated for seven years. We were engaged for one, and then we've been married approaching 17. The reason I want to point that out is because we're not talking about rookies here. yeah yeah It's not like third-year marriage or whatever or the seven-year itch. We're talking about guys who've been at this a long time on the same page, a good marriage, a healthy marriage for all appearances. And so it sneaks up on you. Like you said, it surprises you. You look and you go, oh, wait a minute. I never felt about this at all. Yeah. yeah um When you get to that place in your life where you're so crazy and you're so busy, what ah what are the things that you push aside first? what What gets sacrificed in your marriage when you start to get that busy?
Preparing for Marriage Challenges
00:09:23
Speaker
I think you're timed together. And then i think sometimes ah you think you're serving the other person, but you're serving them in ways that benefit yourself. yeah good And so you think, oh, I've been serving you. I'm doing all this stuff, but that's what's easy for me or in ways that is convenient for me. Right. And yeah.
00:09:46
Speaker
yeah I'm going to tell a story and has nothing to do with marriage. Is that a good story or lie? It's a good story, yeah. it's um When I was about 16 years old, my family went camping and our friend came with us and we had two canoes. And my friend and were like, hey, let's sleep in the canoes tonight, right we're like, yeah. So we each got our canoe and we were by the shore.
00:10:06
Speaker
It was calm as all get out. It was really calm. And so my dad's like, hey, do you guys want to rope off to the shore or anchor out or anything like that before you go to bed? And we're like, no, it'll be okay.
00:10:18
Speaker
Well, the wind picked up in the middle of the night while we were sleeping and it blew us a mile and a half down the lake onto the other side. And we wake up to banging against the rocks Wind, waves lapping over the boat, and there was chaos.
00:10:32
Speaker
Like we woke up, we're in sleeping bags in a canoe, which is stupid. like yeah How old were you? and were 15, 16, so the perfect age for doing something dumb like that. yeah um But I look back, and my dad was trying to warn me in a calm time of how to prepare for something if it were to change. And so a lot of this chaos in the time of the storm...
00:10:55
Speaker
is prepped for way before things even get rough. It's great. Right. So building our relationship, building our communication while times are good. That way when times get bad, it's unlikely that we're going to lose focus on each other or our communication with each other.
00:11:10
Speaker
Last year, we just lost focus, period. We both were looking at what we were struggling with. We had lost a close friend. We had gone through something with our family. There was a lot of stuff going on, and we just looked towards each ourselves rather than rather than each other. That's good.
00:11:25
Speaker
ah I like that story because it really does. It really is a great reminder that the time to prepare for the storm is before the storm arrives. Sure. And I think like all of our relationship has, um they say like in ministry, i was warned that when he was called to ministry, to remember the time that I knew God called him into ministry, so that when times get tough, you know. And i know without a shadow of a doubt that God called me to him, and and that he put us together. And so through all the worst times, even last year, which is probably one of the worst, Um, I knew without a doubt, there's never a question of whether I'm supposed to be with him. There's never a question of yeah my love for him. It was in the moment, like you said, Sunday, i just really didn't like him.
00:12:16
Speaker
Thank you. So endearing. I don't think you liked me either. So during the time last year, let's, let's kind of sit on that for a second. Did you find that your conversations changed to the point where in your head you could convince yourself you were communicating, but it was more like utilitarian kind of conversation? It very basic. What are the kids going to wear? No teamwork on any type of discipleship of our children, of how's our marriage doing, let's fix it. There was no communication like that. It was like, hey, this is what the bill is this month. We need to pay it. Yeah. Communication for a while had been about anything but us. For sure. And so it was almost like we were in survival. So any conversation didn't have to do with anything about our intimate relationship. It had to do with the kids and other people and ministry and anything but us. You know, if you're a minister out there and you're listening this, I appreciate you joining and listening to what we have to say.
00:13:17
Speaker
But in ministry, it's especially hard because Lisa and I will go to dinner and she'll she'll make the request. Let's not talk about church. And we'll sit down at the table and we'll start off great. But your personal life is so ingrained with your church life because those are your friends and the people you like hanging around. And oh, yeah, it's also your job. And so you find yourself just drifting off into it. You're going, OK, here we are again talking about what we're doing next night at the church.
00:13:42
Speaker
How do y'all fight that? how do you keep How do you separate the personal versus the work for you
Managing Technology Use in Family Life
00:13:47
Speaker
two? So you kind of have to shift it to anything, um but you know the same couple will do the same thing. They've been dying for time away from the kids. They've been trying to get away from the kids. They go on a date, and what do they talk about? They talk about the kids, right?
00:13:59
Speaker
And so and we do focus on where we're at, like having conversations about us, having a conversation about our marriage, having a conversation about our kids, regardless of ministry, right? We're setting those things apart because...
00:14:12
Speaker
to be honest the most important ministry to us is what's happening within the the halls of our home right um if i lead 10 kids to christ but my son is neglected and not discipled then i'm doing something very wrong right and so um a lot of times we just turn it back towards our family our marriage um to try to keep the conversation away from church I know both of y'all agree very strongly with me on the the next subject, but I think it's one we always have to keep coming back to and coming back to because nobody thinks they have this problem. But I know you two are very intentional about this, the rules regarding technology in your home. How do you how do you fight that? You've got, again, two kids who obviously are very interested, both them very bright, and they love doing things on the computer and stuff like that.
00:14:58
Speaker
Your job, you're working with students, you've got to know it you understand it. So how do you draw that line for your family and protect that so that you're not just coexisting next to each other with devices in your hand? yeah We've been intentional from the beginning. We've been open with our kids from the beginning. yeah um I mean, at a super young age, saying like, I'm sorry, but you won't have a phone until this age. I'm sorry, you won't be doing social media. mean it's okay for a parent to say no to something? Yes, it is. i really... I wish more people knew that. Me too. Me too. So our our kids are 12 and 10. They don't have phones. um They have like a tablet iPad device that they is a shared device that they can FaceTime family back in California. Cool. um They have access to certain um TV. So like we don't have, they don't have access to Netflix or Hulu or anything like that.
00:15:54
Speaker
and But there are certain channels that we ah what we approve of them and then then they can watch it. And then everything they do has to be together. And so like Noah can't secretly go do something on the iPad. Yeah. um They have to be there together to do it. Right. And so if they're on the Dude Perfect app, which I kind of recommend, and they keep a very wholesome yeah organization under it. Entertaining. And so if you're yeah if they have the Dude Perfect app, Noah and Story are together watching that and then they come away from it. Right. So it's never like Story takes the iPad into a room and hunkers down and does nothing by herself.
00:16:27
Speaker
um Same with when we're gone, right? Sometimes they stay at home alone. Everything they do is together. But everything is time limited, restricted, not in a domineering way. Our kids are incredible. They do more chores than, mean, they run a farm basically by themselves. um And so we give leeway when it comes to certain things like that. If they want to go sit down and watch a movie, we're totally cool with that because they've done all their chores and homework and stuff like that. yeah And so we're not like,
00:16:54
Speaker
dictators, but we help navigate them. Nope. And I'm human. I'm a mom. I'm a tired mom. I bake a lot. And so there are days that they're watching movies and, you know, maybe there's not restrictions that day. But for the most part, we definitely limit. I think that's a cool thing to admit because what we say and teach here is not that technology is evil. It's like anything else. Chocolate chip cookies are good. eat too many of them and you're going to wind up with a problem. We joked about it, but that's part of the responsibility of being a parent. Your job isn't to make your kids entertained or to even make them more comfortable. Your job is to disciple them. And when technology begins to cross over into the area of discipleship and interfere with that, and to interfere with relationships, I read an article this morning, actually, new study out that says, they're saying that the population is going to decrease because people having babies anymore. And they said one of the major factors isn't necessarily that they're not getting married or that they don't even want children, it's that the younger generation doesn't even leave the house anymore. Wow. And the tagline to the headline was, please go out and flirt with someone. Yeah, yeah. Great. We're losing an entire generation. It's going to be lost art. Yeah, it really is. It really is. It really is. I mean, you and I both work with teens a lot because of our job.
00:18:16
Speaker
lot of teens can't even look in the face and have a conversation at all. yeah So parents, please work on that with your kids. Another thing we do with technology is we're not afraid to watch something with them that might be a little bit above them. Right. Right.
00:18:29
Speaker
to spur on conversation that's great and so we like we when we do allow them to watch something um say ah i wouldn't say pg-13 there's not really many pg-13s that are good but something that we know that has something in it and we research all the things on online before we watch it but we do that in the presence of them to spur on conversation talk to them about it be intentional about it because they're going to hear those things outside the home for sure and those are things we need to be addressing inside the home So one other aspect that I want to talk about in our little bit of time we got left, being intentional like what the two of you do, I think is a great example for every marriage. But being intentional like that requires lots of
The Importance of Date Nights
00:19:10
Speaker
energy. Yes. So what do you do to replenish yourself? What do you do to refuel the fire so that you're back together?
00:19:17
Speaker
You're both grinning. What do we do? Sometimes we talk about this. We're exhausted right here. Sorry. ah I don't know. What do we do? I would say... If the answer's a nap, that's okay. Yeah, no.
00:19:34
Speaker
I think just intentional time together. yeah um Like the other date nights. Yeah. um It does get easier now that they can stay home. Right. um And so you're not paying for a babysitter, things like that. But even intentional time as a family, like we went and did a fire the other night. yeah And it's like that little thing can replenish charge your your energy so much. Yeah, someone, um I didn't get any marriage or advice before I got married or anything, but someone on the day of my wedding came and put their arm around me and they said, hey, never stop dating your wife. Yes. Right? Just super simple advice. And it's been something that we've held on to. We haven't always been perfect.
00:20:14
Speaker
um sometimes we've been so poor that we sneak into costco and get samples for our day like we just there's something that we've done but we've always been intentional to be together um to learn more about each other and so date nights are like a incredibly recharging thing to us yeah um whether we're talking about all the hecticness yeah or whether we just talk about us and where we are with the lord um but it always recharges us yeah so let me just throw a couple things out there just kind of wrapping up and a bone this um before we move from that up yeah it's exhausting it is like it like being intentional being intentional with with children and marriage is an exhausting thing but it's always worth it yeah I think that's where the technology plays in yeah you're exhausted so you give them something yeah
00:21:02
Speaker
Yeah, it's i mean, real really good marriage is in our culture today.
Proactive Marriage Strategies
00:21:05
Speaker
It's like running a gauntlet. You're getting hammered from all sides. If it's not your kids, it's friends who don't understand why you are the way you are, it's your spouse not doing what you expect them to do. It's the demands of a busy schedule. Everything in this culture today seems like it's against marriage. So good wisdom from kale Kyle and Kelly today. Don't wait until you feel disconnected to start investing in your marriage. yep Don't wait until you get to that point because they were fortunate enough to kind of catch it and say, okay, yeah this isn't right. Worst month of our life. but yeah we got through it And many times you will, in counseling, you'll come up against couple who we can't figure out what's going on. And you're going, well, it's as obvious as the nose in your face, but you're just not willing to address it. Strong marriages are always proactive, not reactive. Again, goes back to that word intentionality. um you know Those who plan to fail and excuse me those who failed to plan plan to fail. There you go. Yeah, got it right. And small adjustments can make major changes in your marriage. one of the things that And Lisa and I will fall out of this pattern and we'll get back. But one of the things that Lisa and I do is that we make a commitment to try to be in bed by 9 o'clock when we can.
00:22:12
Speaker
Why? Because we start our day early, but also we go to bed and we read for a little while. Because we're reading side by side, it generates good conversations about, hey, what are you reading tonight? and Last night I read an entire chapter from my book to her because I'm reading the All of God right now, she was interested in that. and So it just created some good conversation. Yeah.
00:22:31
Speaker
I think probably the best thing that I would say to you, from my experience, watching these two, watching other good marriages, is you can't give your marriage leftovers and expect that it's going to thrive. It's just not going to happen. And so making that commitment early on, from the day you start dating even. And that's another good side note. We could talk about that forever. Don't date. It's okay to say losers.
00:23:01
Speaker
losers don't date lose losers don't settle don't date losers and expect your marriage to come out and be a winner yeah it's just not going to happen yeah okay um so lots of good wisdom there we're going come back we'll be back at least for one more week on the marriage subject this is kind of thing you can unpack for a long long time ah i don't know we might even pull everybody back together in room and share the microphone a whole round table talk conversation that might be a good long podcast oh ah Kelly, thanks for joining us today. Thanks having me. Always a pleasure to see you. It's pretty look at. I figured he would get that in somewhere. Kyle, thanks as always for your wisdom. Let's pray. yeah
00:23:38
Speaker
I'm going to pray for you too. Sounds good. right Father God, I thank you for today. a Man, what a gift marriage is. What a sweet, sweet thing that you gave to us. and Of course, we're men and women who are felled, who are broken, and we we have messed up what marriage really looks like. So we need your wisdom, your guidance. We need your direction to save our marriages and make them what you desire them to be. And man, what a gift they are when we let them be placed in your hands and be directed by you.
00:24:08
Speaker
So, Father, for those who are listening today who have marriages that are struggling or hurting, remind them that nothing is beyond the reach of the grace of God. Nothing is impossible, that their marriage is not done until they give up on it.
00:24:21
Speaker
And so, Father, I pray that you would just give them renewed energy, renewed desire, renewed commitment to the vows they made, and that they would fight for the marriage that they've always wanted, because it starts with them.
00:24:33
Speaker
Father, I thank you for Kyle Kelly and the wisdom they have shared today, what the gift is that they have brought to our church, the Lord, and thankful for the ministry they have here. And if there's anybody out there listening today who needs direction, maybe who needs some comfort, I pray they'd have the courage to pick up the phone and call us or call their local church so they could have the right conversations about their marriage and what you have desired for it.
00:24:54
Speaker
We thank you for Jesus Christ who gives us the grace so that we can be married to each other. It's in Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Come join us 8, 9, 30, and 11 on Sunday morning if you're looking for a place to worship. If not, you've got a great place to worship. Keep joining us here on our podcast. We love having you here. love having the conversations. Hope you're benefiting from it. Like, share, whatever the other things are you're supposed to do to get more people watching.
00:25:20
Speaker
And we'll see you next week. hey Bye.