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Podcast 34 - Marriage Part 1
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Join us as we follow the sermon series about marriage for the next few weeks
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Transcript
Introduction to Marriage Discussion
00:00:10
Speaker
Welcome to the Grove Hill podcast. We're glad you're joining in with us today. This is probably dangerous territory that we're about to venture into today. um You know, we've talked about some pretty good subjects on here, got into some pretty testy grounds, but today we're going to talk about marriage.
00:00:27
Speaker
And I'm doing it in the presence of my lovely wife. Lisa and my good friend Kyle Hess. I'm thankful for both of them joining us today. Over the next couple of weeks, hopefully we'll be inviting some new folks to the table as part of these conversations.
Strength of Godly Women
00:00:41
Speaker
Hopefully husbands and wives that will join us and talk a little bit about some of these things. We're doing this kind of in conjunction with a series that we're doing at our church over the next several weeks. Mother's Day through Father's Day, we're doing a series on strong families.
00:00:54
Speaker
um
Defining Marriage: Covenant vs. Contract
00:00:55
Speaker
godly families. And we're starting off actually with the strength of a godly woman. Really powerful, hopefully sermon that will encourage the hearts of women of all different ilks. She's got a smile on her face. This would have been good to know. This is really, really nervous over here. um Let's start off with the very basics. You know, when we talk about God, we ask the question, what is God? Well, we're talking about marriage. So let's ask this question.
00:01:19
Speaker
What is marriage? And I will just go ahead and set you up for success to say i think there's two different kinds of marriage, one from the perspective of the world versus the one that comes from the perspective of those of faith. So what is marriage? Yeah, so um my initial thought of marriage when I'm thinking of Scripture is that marriage is the first representation of Christ in the church because that's how he's referred to as the the groom and the church being the the bride. Right. And so everything we see in that structure, God structures the earthly marriage of a man and a woman after that. And so that's the way we see it. The world may see it completely different. The world throws whatever gender they want into it. They throw even things that aren't human beings into the idea of marriage. And so we don't really want to talk about the world's description of marriage and focus on that. We want to look at the way God designed it from the beginning with Adam and
God's Purpose for Marriage
00:02:18
Speaker
Eve.
00:02:18
Speaker
Okay, so first appearance of what the church relationship to Jesus looks like and to God. are You want to add some thoughts to that? I think you and I usually talk about in our marriage retreats that it's it's a covenant.
00:02:31
Speaker
it um And unfortunately, I feel like in the world, even things like contracts and agreements have lost their validity a little bit. It's very much a try before you buy or I can get out of this, whether it's a contract or a marriage. And so the biblical view of it is this is a covenant agreement. Yeah, a lot of... covenants in scripture, if they were broken, were met with the punishment of death or something severe, right? And so um we see covenant a lot different now, but a covenant, it was like a binding thing
Refinement and Roles in Marriage
00:03:04
Speaker
between two people. And so, like you said, covenants have become careless like contracts, right? You could sign your rights away, but you're not really signing your rights away because in court it doesn't matter. so grab before you buy that right So basically the world has taken something that was very much an idea of God from the very beginning, something that he was excited about giving to mankind And we have gradually turned it into more of a contractual arrangement, which says, as long as you continue to perform your duties, I'll stay engaged. But once you don't, I'm out of here.
00:03:33
Speaker
In other words, the contract has been broken. It's very much a performance-based way of looking at the relationship. Whereas in a covenant... It's not performance-based. It is based on faith.
00:03:46
Speaker
And that's that's what we see in you know covenants all the way through Scripture. um Let's talk a little bit about why you think God gave us marriage, aside from the illustration that it performs for us. Why why did God come up with this really cool of idea of, hey, two people, male and female, who are best friends, spend the rest of their lives together?
00:04:07
Speaker
That's a good question. There's a lot of benefits in my marriage because of that, whether it's just companionship, physical attraction, reproduction, all those things um where we're connected with someone that we're not connected with anybody else.
00:04:22
Speaker
in a way that's just intimate to us spiritually, physically, just relationally. It's just her and I, right? And so that is something that's incredibly special. um And I think God designed us for that that ah um connection with someone.
00:04:41
Speaker
I think the other part of that is, too, that when you and I got married, you have your giftings and I have my giftings. And it's not just for our benefit, although that's a great part of it. But it's also how he can use us to teach and reach others. But I'm pretty sure that he meant for it to be a huge part of what helps make us a little more holy. Yeah. That is so true. um that will when you're When you're single, ah you worry about yourself, right? be honest. And then you get married and you lose a little more of your that selfishness because you're then tending to someone else. yes And then kids refine that even more and you lose all type of selfishness because you're pouring out to them as well. And so... It's just ah it's it's a refinement process, and I think marriage is a huge part of that. You're right. Well, and just like in the Bible we say, anytime you get those orders out of whack too, where self comes before the other or kids come before the spouse, things get wonky. When Lisa and I lead marriage retreats and conferences, we talk about two things related to marriage that I think are really important. Number one, that marriage is...
00:05:50
Speaker
given in part for a purpose that when God says Ridley, you and Lisa go together, he looks at the two of us and says, you're good as you are you but You're even better together.
Divine Purpose Beyond Happiness
00:06:01
Speaker
There's something you can do for me.
00:06:03
Speaker
And that's not always in terms of church, you know, like service in the church, or whatever, but is in terms of service to his kingdom. so How do you benefit the kingdom of God by your partnership together? I think the other thing we talk about is that marriage is not simply for your happiness, although that is hopefully something that comes from it, but it is indeed for your holiness. um We've talked about this before, I think even on the podcast at one point.
00:06:26
Speaker
but we've talked about this before in our church, that you go back to the original Hebrew word that was used in the Old Testament to describe the Holy Spirit's presence. That's the same word that is used for the woman, the female in the garden. yeah She is the paraclete, the partner, the one who comes alongside of. And man, i I can't think of a better description of what role my wife plays in my life to...
00:06:54
Speaker
spot the iniquities in me sometimes to help me with my shortcomings to encourage me in my weaknesses um there if you go down the description what the holy spirit does there's so many things that a wife a good wife does for her husband yeah when she's following god and it kind of reflects directly like uh feeling conviction from the holy spirit isn't always a very comfortable position to be in correct and also feeling correction from your wife is a very scratchy thing. Like, it's like, oh, you you don't have authority over that area of my life. And it's like well, she's speaking into you for the holiness, right? And so oftentimes, if Kelly's speaking to me in a way that I'm like, man, that's she's telling me I'm doing something that's off, if I just stop and really think about it and pray about it, ah she's in alignment with scripture often. And so when that happens, then I go, OK, this is Lord speaking through her to me to refine. Mm-hmm.
00:07:44
Speaker
I do want to speak to the flip side of that, though, because I am the female and in the group here. She is. um One thing that I always point out to women when I'm trying to encourage them is that influence of a woman is great.
00:07:59
Speaker
And that's what you guys are describing. But it very much can be misused yeah and mishandled. And so yeah while that may sound like a great opportunity, there's there's an expectation and I think just a submission to what God wants.
00:08:15
Speaker
in that role that if we're not careful, we we can misuse that. Well, think of the responsibility that is on your shoulders if Scripture is using the same word for you, right, as a helpmate that it is for the Holy Spirit, meaning that you need to be so aligned with God's Word and so in tune with the Holy Spirit that when you give those words of correction or words of encouragement to Him, and that you're doing it in the authority of Right? Of what God wants. And so if you're off from that and using some type of manipulation technique or this is for me or what am I going to get out of this, then you're misusing something that is a great gift, a weighty gift that you're carrying. You might need to have a brief moment of apology or something. The influence of a wife is very much like the knife in the hands of someone.
00:09:05
Speaker
It can be used for harm or good. And it's not just the instrument itself. that is That's one thing, but it is. it's how it's used. What do you do with it? You can cut, you can slice. You can carve, you can you can kill.
00:09:19
Speaker
Right, and what's the intention of it? Because Solomon said it's better to leave live on the corner of a roof than with a quarrelsome
Preventing Marriage Drift
00:09:25
Speaker
wife, right? Yeah. if she's using that if if she's using that position that she has to, to lack of better of words, nag you, um that's not beneficial for anyone. Solomon's like, go up on the roof, get in the corner. And it's ironic because what Satan convinces a lot of women...
00:09:43
Speaker
to do is to go even more naggy that direction when in reality the benefit for her is absolutely removed correct because she distances her husband from her she creates negative feelings around it and she doesn't get back what she needs from the relationship same thing's true with husbands i mean i know we're talking about wives right now husbands have powers that over their wives that they can use for good or for harm. sure so So let's talk a little bit a bit about that because we're going to go few weeks at least on marriages. But I do want to start with a very important question. 40 years as a minister, I've never seen a marriage that broke overnight.
00:10:17
Speaker
They all drift. They all drift for whatever reason. So what are some reasons why marriages drift? Why do they slowly begin to form gaps and cracks in the relationship?
00:10:31
Speaker
Do you want to start? I can go, yeah. You said it a couple weeks ago, and I think even on a podcast and in a sermon, um death by a thousand paper cuts, right? It really is the small things. When we got married, someone handed us a $100 bill, and he said, this is to help your pursuit of never stop dating your wife, right? um Constantly learning about her, constantly pursuing her. A lot of times people think that marriage is the end goal. We did it, now we just live life together. No, that's like the starting point of just really...
00:10:59
Speaker
getting to know each other and for what the glory of the Lord. Right. yeah And so, um, keeping up with those like daily disciplines of, I love yous and hugs and kisses and physical and conversation and all those things, keeping a good balance of those in your life constantly prevents a lot of things, but often we go yeah weeks without having ah any type of conversation. So I've got,
00:11:22
Speaker
three things on here that I think contribute to marriage drift. and I'm going to start with you and just let you, y'all just kind of talk these out a little bit. Number one, neglect. most Most marriages don't end because of conflict in the marriage. They end because of the neglect that started so long ago. And as a woman, you feel that probably infinitely more than men do. So talk to me a little bit about neglect in a marriage and how it contributes to that drift.
00:11:49
Speaker
I think well-meaning people, couples, tend to say, I don't need to bring this to the surface. Let me just be the keeper of peace.
00:12:00
Speaker
And those things can take root and really fester. And typically by the time we get to walk alongside of somebody, those things have just set up residency in the heart and have become much bigger yeah than they probably would have been if they had been shared and worked through in the beginning. That's a, I mean, i think,
00:12:24
Speaker
and And with what Kyle was saying, I think a lot of times by the time that we get to help encourage a couple, it's it's not a marriage issue. It's a heart issue.
00:12:35
Speaker
And then when the heart issue gets settled, the marriage is the... the side effect of that, if you will. The word that's coming to my mind when you say that is resentment. And if you think of any situation where you've ever carried resentment for, towards someone, um, are you in good relation with them? No.
00:12:52
Speaker
Right. You're holding them at arm's length. You're not, Opening up or being vulnerable like you should because you resent them um And so by not talking about something or maybe you went through through something and someone apologized and don't really talk it out But now you're ten years down the road and you're still holding on to things from back when Those things need to be brought to the surface flushed out and move forward on a good foundation rather than a shaky foundation Once those things are exposed then you actually have a foundation to build on rather than no foundation at all. Yeah, that's good.
00:13:24
Speaker
um Some of you know, I've talked about this, these two know, my word for the year is intentionality. Such an important part of our growth as believers is intentionality. Same thing is true in marriage. So my second point here is drift happens because we make assumptions rather than having intentionality in our marriage. Oh, I can speak to that.
00:13:45
Speaker
um Not personally. No, from from my own perspective, I have to be very careful because whether it was something ah how i was raised or something I've experienced, unfortunately, in a previous marriage, I can't assume that a way that I'm feeling in a situation with you and I is just because of you. It could be something that is triggering something from my upbringing or a previous marriage that I'm just assuming that's what you're doing based on my past experiences. And you and I have talked about that a lot. We have to front load is the word that we use. We have to front load the conversation to say, Hey,
00:14:25
Speaker
I just need to share with you that this is how that's making me feel and we're on the same team so we need to talk that out because this may not really have anything to do with you. Yeah, it really comes down to the communication side of things. um I mean just think of think of a typical man, right? A man would get up, they would go to work, they would this, oh they have to stay late, they would stay late, they would eat dinner late and they would go to bed. Well, when you have a spouse She's included on every one of those steps, right? And so if I'm supposed to be home at four and I have to stay late and I don't notify her and I show up at five, ah there was lack of communication there. And now she's left in a place of wonder, right? And the world's filled with, fills her mind with why I could be an hour late, right? And so a simple...
00:15:09
Speaker
fundamental communication, a I have to stay late. It looks like more like five than it is four. It brings clarity, peace, calm to her heart, knowing where I'm at in that in that hour.
00:15:21
Speaker
Not something I prefer to do. I would rather just get the day done and and go to bed. But now I've got someone else that I'm caring for, their emotions, who they are. And so simple communication clarifies things. So it could be yeah deep like something happened, or it could be light as much as the schedule of your day. One of the things I picked up on early in my marriage was, and if this used to infuriate me, guys who would jokingly, like they would say something like, hey, you want to go play golf on Saturday? And I would go, let me check with my wife. And they would make the the comment we all prepare to hear, you know, go check with the old ball and chain, go check with the old lady, you know, that kind of stuff. Those are the same guys who would come to me weeks, months later and go, you have such a great marriage, I want to go,
00:16:00
Speaker
duh ding dong yeah it's communication yeah i don't make the assumption that my wife is okay with me going off and hanging with the guys on saturday right i talk to her i'm intentional about it and when i walk out on that golf course i'll walk out with freedom knowing that we've cleared that yeah yeah uh rather than just assuming that I'm the man, she's the woman, she has to listen to what, you know, there's just all kinds of places where assumptions become very, very deadly
Spiritual Connections and Marriage Drift
00:16:25
Speaker
to a marriage. Yep.
00:16:26
Speaker
All right, last one, we need to be wrapping up here. This is really, i mean, this is total American marriage. Busyness crowds out your connections. Hmm. Hmm. I think that's ah part of that. Your nostrils are flaring.
00:16:41
Speaker
I think that's part of part of the the neglect and not having the intentionality. And it may not even be bad intentions. um So a man who works hard for his family, um who tends to provide for his family, will start to take on the excuse that that's his only job, right? Is to provide the financial thing. Bring paycheck.
00:17:01
Speaker
When communication ceases and that goes on for some time, it becomes a very large problem, a big problem. And so to be able to to be busy and then also maintain um should be ah an intentional act on our part. yeah ah Because it's good for a man to be working. It's good for a man to to be exhausted from his work. But then when he comes through the door, he also has the protector of his family's hearts. So that means communication, that means service, that means tending to the needs of the family yeah after the long days at work. so I want to touch on one word you said, the needs of a family, because I think the...
00:17:38
Speaker
most common thing I hear from women is that, yes, he provides for me, he meets the needs, but there's an emotional need there that is just, if we're honest, it just comes more natural for women than guys sometimes. And most of the time when you ask the woman, what do you need out of this marriage? It's, I need him to look at me or I need him to put his phone down and talk to me. and I know that can be a stretch when you've used your words all day long, but it's it's as simple as just being intentional in those moments. There's times that I'm clueless to it, um where she's all wrapped in a ball of emotion, and I have no clue. And then when it pops, I'm like, where is this coming from, right? And if I had any wherewithal or my eyes open at any point, have seen that she was striving for something for the last few days, and now it's coming to a head, right? Mm-hmm. Um, being aware, asking the questions, like you said, and it becomes natural for a woman to want to talk about those emotions. Yeah. A guy's like, Hey, we completed the day. Right. Great. Right. Yes. Um, to where I have to stop and say, Hey, is there anything I can help you with today? Or is is there anything your heart's feeling that needs to be addressed? Right. Yeah. Those types of things right there, there may be nothing, but at least yeah the conversation of me asking, she goes, okay, I feel safe again. And then we move forward. or I'll even ask Ridley, like if if I know he's had a tight schedule all day, I'll say, how are your words?
00:19:03
Speaker
Do you have any more words left? And if he's like, I'm spent, yep then I at least have been informed that's the state he's in by the time I reconnect with him at the end of the day. So my expectations are a little more more realistic instead of feeling like they're personally neglected. And there's times I preload that to to Kelly as I come home. Hey, today was super rough.
00:19:25
Speaker
lot of conversations. yes I'll be here, but I'm not going to engage in any financial discussions tonight. We're going to come back to this this conversation around words and communication later in the next few podcasts. I think that's ah really important. It probably deserves an entire session to itself.
00:19:41
Speaker
Let me just throw this tip in here and then we'll wrap things up today. Marriage drift, when your marriage begins to drift, it's usually actually a reflection of the drift in your own personal relationship with God.
00:19:54
Speaker
Usually it is a real sharp indicator that something's missing on the spiritual side of who you are. Not always, but it's something that will be the first place I would begin to check in your marriage. If something's off, something doesn't feel right, if communication's not happening, if you can't seem to agree on things,
00:20:12
Speaker
Time for both of you to step back and go, okay, where am I in my relationship with God? Am I in the Word? Am I praying? Do I have other believers in my life who are speaking truth to me? Because that's a great place to start.
00:20:23
Speaker
Marriage drift is something that's subtle, it's gradual, and many times we need other people's eyes on us going, here's where I think I see some things happening in your relationship. So important, though, to go back to the very beginning and pick the person that God has for you. Yes. And somebody who loves the Lord, not somebody that you're going minister to after you marry them to get them the Lord. mean, you pray real hard, you find husbands like me, right? This is true, yes. I did pray for you. Listen, marriage can be fantastic. I tell people when I do premarital counseling,
00:20:58
Speaker
marriage is one of the coolest things that God ever created because it's like a spend a night party the rest of your life with your best
Choosing the Right Partner
00:21:04
Speaker
friend. That's right, yeah. Cut. Hey, we we love you guys. We're thankful you watch and pay and pay attention to what we're saying here. Pick through all the stuff to get to the good stuff. We hope you'll join us back here, that you'll click, like, and share, let others know about what we're doing here. And again, as always, we welcome your comments, whatever thoughts, suggestions you have. We'll be back next week to pick up the subject a little bit, talk a little bit more about the myth of falling out of love.
00:21:32
Speaker
That sounds like a good place to pray us out. That's right. So let me pray for us. Father God, we thank you for this day. Thank you for my friends who've joined me at this table. My very good friend Kyle Hess and the wisdom he brings to this.
00:21:44
Speaker
My best friend, Lisa, father and the gift she's been to me for almost 20 years now. And Father, as we talk about these subjects over the weeks ahead with special guests, my prayer is that week by week you would bring our listeners back, especially those who are in a place of marriage drift, those who find themselves on the wrong page from each other, Lord, or are just seem to be searching for answers on how to strengthen their marriage. Lord, I pray that they would hear these next few words, and that is
Conclusion and Prayer
00:22:12
Speaker
this, there is no marriage that is out of reach of God's love. That's right. Not one marriage.
00:22:20
Speaker
And so my prayer is that if anybody out there is struggling right now, um that they would look first to you, to your word, and that hopefully a podcast like this might help them find the right steps to get back to where they need to be.
00:22:32
Speaker
That's our desire, and we pray that our words are blessed just for that purpose, so that you may receive honor and these marriages may be helped. It's in Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Amen.