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14: COVID Confessions
58 Plays4 years ago
Confessions of a girl who is not dealing well with this coronavirus quarantine. Mindful Musings is now Geneva Says - more at brittanygeneva dot com.
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Transcript
Introduction and Gratitude
00:00:01
Speaker
Hey, guys, Brittany Geneva back with another episode mindful musings. Thank you for tuning in.
Life Disrupted by Pandemic
00:00:11
Speaker
As always, you guys know I am trying to do better one day at a time. This is an especially hard time, though, as I'm sure.
00:00:23
Speaker
we all can relate to this coronavirus stuff is like throwing off my entire feng shui. Um, and I wanted to actually do the podcast about that just because, you know, I don't know if anybody else is experiencing this. I don't know if anybody else is feeling how I'm feeling and I realize like maybe how I'm feeling is like a little bit deeper than I first realized. And I just thought, you know, if I,
00:00:51
Speaker
If I'm feeling like this, maybe other people are. Maybe you don't know how you're feeling. Maybe you're just having emotions and you didn't realize or you haven't realized what it really is. So I thought maybe this could actually be helpful for some
Therapy and Coping Mechanisms
00:01:03
Speaker
people. But if nothing else, I just need to say it because I've been thinking about this and I'm just like, oh, I need to get this off my chest to somebody. You know, I have actually
00:01:17
Speaker
People, and I'll do another podcast about this with more detail later, but people may remember seeing me ranting and raving. Well, not raving, just ranting on Instagram stories about how hard it is to find a black therapist in DC, but I found one and we have been doing like telehealth sessions. So that's been good, but, but it's still so new, you know, so it hasn't really had enough time to like.
00:01:40
Speaker
changed my life yet, but I will report back when and if it does. But in the meantime, you guys are my therapy session because I'm just going to talk to you and get my feelings out that way. OK. But no, I mean, honestly, this is like kind of raw, kind of real. You know, I I really have been struggling like full blown struggle bus extraordinaire.
00:02:04
Speaker
with everything that's been going on with coronavirus. And I am not, I mean, like I'm not doing well. So, you know, I really, I feel that, you know, the D word depression, it's so overused. People say it when they really should just say sad, you know, depression is like a diagnosis.
Planning and Pandemic Challenges
00:02:27
Speaker
So I, I will not use that word to describe myself, but I will say
00:02:34
Speaker
I haven't been the happiest since all this stuff has gone on because it really has in the most egregious and overwhelming way, like completely thrown off my entire plans, my entire every I mean, like I can't even overstate how much it is like completely changed everything that I had going on.
00:03:01
Speaker
And I'm not doing well with it. Like I, I already, I don't do well with change in general. Um, at least not sudden change. I'm a planner. I'm a prepper. I will sit on something for six months and let it simmer just to make sure like, is this the move I really need to make? Is this the thing I really need to do? I'll do research like every single day for something. If I start to think about, and I think I'm going to make this decision.
00:03:29
Speaker
I take forever and ever and ever and ever to think about it before I actually do it. And I really am not a person who likes just like sudden movements. I'm like, no, we just need to, everything needs to be like very thought out, very planned for. So this sudden movement of my entire life is like,
00:03:50
Speaker
terrifying me. And of course, you know, I don't want to belittle or like compare myself to people who actually have gotten COVID. Obviously many thousands are dying from it or just having, you know, complications and really suffering from the disease. So that those are the people who are having the worst time in this pandemic.
Resolutions and Lifestyle Changes
00:04:19
Speaker
But at the same time, I think
00:04:20
Speaker
It's fair and it's healthy to acknowledge any other struggle or frustration that has arisen out of this pandemic. So thank God, I'm very thankful.
00:04:35
Speaker
that I haven't gotten sick. No one in my immediate family, none of my friends or even coworkers have gotten sick. So that I'm thankful for that. And I have to remind myself of that every day. But outside of that, my life has gotten sick because I literally like you guys
00:04:56
Speaker
I'm very, you know, this is it's kind of silly, but I'm very big on New Year's resolutions. And every year I make three to four resolutions that I am serious as a heart attack about achieving. And sometimes they're silly. Sometimes they're more serious. Like two years ago, I made a resolution to see more live music. And I went to, I think, three festivals and two concerts that year.
00:05:22
Speaker
Cause I was like, I need to see, I made a re I made a resolution to read more. So I joined a book club. Like I'm very serious about my resolutions and I actually like really focus on them throughout the year. So I had made my resolutions and I was doing a good fucking job on them. Like I was advancing toward my goals. My first resolution.
00:05:48
Speaker
was of course to lose weight. Now, I always want to lose weight, but I very rarely make it a resolution because I know how serious that is to me. So I might just say something like be healthy, work out, but not necessarily lose weight.
00:06:04
Speaker
But this year, the resolution was lose weight because I was like, I'm tired of being big. I have plans this year, including a trip to Dubai. Thank God that still was able to happen. But many other things on the on the calendar for the year, things for which I do not want to be fat. So I was like, OK, so I hired this expensive ass trainer, join this expensive ass gym down the street. Well,
00:06:31
Speaker
over the river from me. And I had been going. I was going working out with her twice a week before work. I was getting into a very good group of working out in the morning. I was eating healthy. I was cutting carbs. People were telling me like, Brittany, I can tell you're like, slimming down. That's like the biggest thing when other people can see it. Like, yes, like this is the most amazing thing. So I was on the road and like if I had stayed in that
00:07:02
Speaker
um, routine, I definitely would have been losing. Um, but when this came up, it just fucked up my routine so much. And like, I need a routine to like be in order and like, Oh, the impact of this has just completely fucked up my routine. I'm like, my bedtime is all off. My eating habits are all weird now. And I'm just like really struggling to get into a new routine because it was,
00:07:31
Speaker
so it took enough work to finally get into my previous routine and like I really was liking morning workouts but like since this has happened I've had a harder time trying to do them and like
00:07:45
Speaker
Oh, anyways, it's really been a pain in the ass. And now I probably gained back all the little, you know, few pounds that I had dropped plus some at this point. And I had I was working out when we when it wasn't like a complete shutdown. I was like meeting with my trainer and like working out in the park by my because there's like a park right next to my gym. But can't do that anymore. And so I was just like, fuck, I don't know. Like,
00:08:14
Speaker
Do I just become fat now? You know, anyway, so I have to find a new routine, which is like really hard for me, but that's resolution number one. That's sort of.
00:08:25
Speaker
I don't want to say down the drain, but like in danger of being down the drain. And then resolution number two was to, um, find a man. Yes. I made it a resolution. It is not, it's not a desire. It is the resolution I resolved to do this. Um, so I was like on the apps heavy, like especially on hinge and
00:08:54
Speaker
I was also getting in back into the groove of going out and trying to meet people because last year I was on a dating hiatus, like so purposefully did not want to date for the year. So I could like work on myself and stuff. And this year I'm like, okay, I want to get back out there and I want to like be successful. And so I was putting my brain sort of back in that place of like, okay,
00:09:21
Speaker
you're out and it's not just like you and your homegirl, you and your homeboy hanging out, like be on, not be on the lookout, but you know, y'all know what I'm talking about. Like when you're out and you sort of have more of a vibe of like, approach me versus a vibe of like, no, thanks. You know, so I was sort of, you know, starting to get that back. And I was like, the few times I did get to go out, out before all of this happened, I was like talking to people and I was like,
00:09:50
Speaker
Chatting people up at the bar. I was really putting myself very much out there in terms of between that and the apps. Really trying to meet.
Side Projects and Audience Engagement
00:10:00
Speaker
Really trying to meet and make these connections.
00:10:05
Speaker
Right at the beginning of the quarantine, I did meet a guy like we were able to like sneak in a date basically right before everything shut down. And we had been talking, but you know, honestly, it has fizzled not because of
00:10:23
Speaker
the rona other reasons but the rona didn't help because it was like all we're doing is texting like you know it just. If the situation I think already would not have worked out but then this just made it even harder and the worst part is it's not like alright fuck it I'm back I'm right back out there bitch no I'm not I'm back in here.
00:10:42
Speaker
in my house that I've been in for a fucking month because I can't go anywhere. So that's actually the worst part is that I can't even just say, okay, that's fine. It didn't work out. Things don't work out. No big deal. I'm just gonna go meet somebody else. It's like, no, no, I'm not gonna meet anyone else. Let me take a breath. So that is second resolution, highly fucked up. And then the third and final resolution that probably has the best chance
00:11:12
Speaker
of somewhat moving forward but is still highly impacted is my resolution to sort of get my side projects together. So I have my blog and my podcast that you all know about, but I also have some other, one other in particular side project that I've been working to get off the ground that I have not been talking about. I have not been telling anyone about it actually.
00:11:40
Speaker
I was, again, in a routine and sort of getting things going there, and certainly I have time to do that, but now it's the impact of what I'm trying to do.
00:11:52
Speaker
And the focus of what I'm trying to do is highly affected by coronavirus. And now the appetite and the interest of my potential audience for that other project is going to be very different because of this. So again, it's just throwing a wrench into all my fucking plans. And you really have to understand how important my resolutions are to me to know that that is devastating.
00:12:22
Speaker
was laying in bed one day and I just started bawling because I was like, I have this is like probably one of the rarest times in my life where I had like a level of discipline that was like unmatched. Like I was not missing the gym. I was not eating carbs. I was going on these dates and answering these damn hinge messages.
00:12:48
Speaker
as though my life depended on it. And I was working on this side shit. And the impact of this on all three of those things, I just am so I'm really hoping
00:13:04
Speaker
that it evens out for me because I have been sad, y'all, like I realize I'm sleeping so much more. But then also at weird times, I am. My stomach has been a wreck and I don't think I've been eating any differently. I probably have without even realizing it. My stomach's been like so upset like all the time.
00:13:30
Speaker
And of course, after having a dry February where I barely drink at all, I have had like the wettest march of all time and I've been drinking way too much. That probably explains the stomach. And so everything is just out of whack. It's hard for me to focus. I am struggling. So, you know, I'm just putting this out there. One, if it's a comfort to anyone else who's in my same
00:13:59
Speaker
sort of mental space just to know, hey, you're not the only one. I'm very much so struggling on a daily basis with this. But also too, if you guys have any advice, any thoughts, any just, you know, best practices for how you're getting through this,
00:14:17
Speaker
I would love to hear it because I definitely am taking baby steps, but I'm not there in terms of, you know, being able to cope with this all better because I just don't even I'm still in a state of shock. I'm still in a state of like every minute saying to myself, I can't believe this is happening.
Coping and Seeking Advice
00:14:41
Speaker
I can't believe this is life right now.
00:14:43
Speaker
Um, so I have not been able to really find a new routine or find just like a healthier way to go through each day. Um, but I know I need to, cause I definitely can't keep like being as bummy and as, as, you know, drinky as I've been. Um, I'm trying to start taking walks more, although as soon as I did, then it got a little cold here in DC, but.
00:15:11
Speaker
It will warm up. I will go walking. I have no excuse. I literally live across the street from a park. So I'm going to start walking. I'm trying desperately to foster a dog.
00:15:26
Speaker
I clearly am not the only one because these dog shelters are completely inundated with people trying to foster. So they are overwhelmed and it's taking them forever. So I'm sort of disappointed because I already volunteered with that shelter like multiple times. And I'm like, why am I not at the front of the line, but whatever. So I have applied to several shelters at this point.
00:15:50
Speaker
And I think that would help me so much if I had a little pooch during this time. And then that would obviously force me to have to walk multiple times a day. So I'm trying, I am just trying, but let me tell you, I am not there. And like, I'm all those, you know, at first, the first wave when this came out, everybody, all these posts on social media were like, use this time to be productive.
00:16:16
Speaker
get those goals accomplished and do what you've been holding off on doing all along. And I think those were like subconsciously making me feel.
00:16:25
Speaker
guilty. And so I'm very happy now to see sort of this backlash of different articles and different posts being like, you don't have to be productive, like shut the fuck up. If you woke up this morning, and then you made it through your day, and then you went to sleep, productivity bitch, like, that's all you needed. So I, I'm happy to see that that balance is happening. Because I think it is
00:16:54
Speaker
easy to confuse working at home with like having plenty of time, but we're not working from home because we want to take a lazy day. Like we're trying to cope with a pandemic and at the same time attempting to set up home offices where they did not previously exist and make a workspace where one did not previously go.
Work from Home Challenges
00:17:18
Speaker
So this is not just like some
00:17:21
Speaker
Oh, now you have extra time and you're getting extra sleep. So you should be just like the bomb right now. No, like this is hard. So we have to accept that it's hard and be OK with the fact that we're not just like going to wake up and be these superstars tomorrow. But at the same time, I don't want to like get stuck in the place that I'm feeling like I'm in right now and definitely want to figure out how to move forward. So
00:17:51
Speaker
Anyways, that's me normally you guys know I try to make my podcast a little bit, you know more like fun and funny But this one, you know, I don't I don't really don't got no jokes. You know, I am just I just need to get this off my chest, honey and just Express how I'm feeling because it really is an overwhelming feeling And just one that I'm praying for
00:18:16
Speaker
I can get past pretty soon.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:18:19
Speaker
Um, so that is really all that I have next time. I'll have something more interesting, more fun for you guys. I'll try to balance it and make it more lighthearted, but, um, I appreciate you for listening. I appreciate you for, you know, hearing me out this one time. Um, definitely if you have any advice for me or any thoughts or you can relate or whatever, hit me up on social media, Brittany underscore Geneva.
00:18:45
Speaker
And then I also have launched my page just for the podcast and the blog, mindfully over matter. So you can hit me up there as well. But thank you for listening and I will hopefully be back soon.