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27: No New Friends
134 Plays1 year ago
Lots of researchers and news outlets are saying we are in a loneliness epidemic. People are losing friends, and more people than even say they don't have any close friends. Can we do anything about it? Or is it just the era of 'no new friends'?
Referenced article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/01/09/how-to-adult-friends-relationships/
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Transcript
Commitment to Consistency and Health
00:00:10
Speaker
What's up, y'all? This is Brittany Geneva back for another episode of Geneva Says. I am pretty sure that this is like the fourth week in a row that I'm giving you the timely content, getting consistent, consistency, all 2023. Let's go. I have been like totally focused on being consistent with this podcast.
00:00:38
Speaker
with my health. I have been on that damn spin bike like crazy trying to make sure that I am getting consistent with my fitness, consistent with my plans. Amen.
The Loneliness Epidemic and Friendship Struggles
00:00:52
Speaker
So anyways, I am here and this week I really want to talk about something that has been popping up everywhere. News articles, Twitter, different conversations I've been having.
00:01:05
Speaker
talking about friendship, talking about the fact that we are in
00:01:13
Speaker
what people, well, I guess researchers are calling like a loneliness epidemic in the country. And there are so many people who are struggling with friendships. And I just want to like talk about that and reflect on it for a little bit because I think it's really sad. Like I think we need to, there are some things that just make it hard to make friends, but there are also some things that we as individuals could be doing better.
00:01:40
Speaker
so that this does not continue to be an issue.
Viral TikTok and Friendship Values Discussion
00:01:44
Speaker
I saw a video and I'm going to try to do a better job of when I reference tweets and videos and articles. I want to link to them. So I saw a TikTok video on Twitter that I went back to try to find. I couldn't find it. So I'm not going to be able to link to that one. But it was a young lady.
00:02:02
Speaker
who was crying. And normally I hate people crying in camera on these social media videos. I'm like, when you're crying, what in the world possesses you to go grab a camera and record it? But in this case, it actually didn't feel as icky. I was actually, I felt really sad for her because she was saying that she put together like a girls night for like, I believe, four friends and
00:02:26
Speaker
she had like gone to a lot of effort and they all ghosted her i said oh wow like a full 100 drop-off rate that is sad you know they have a separate group chat and you know they was in there talking about we can go into to her function so that girl you need to find a whole new group of people like dump the entire thing and start from scratch
00:02:51
Speaker
I was looking at the comments of that video and I was expecting to see people saying that you know like girl time to find some new friends I'm sorry this happened to you and that some of that was there but there was a lot of people being like oh
00:03:08
Speaker
This is why I don't have friends. This is why I don't do friends. This is why, you know what, that's why I don't be, you know, and I'm just like, wait, what? Like, that's not a
Making New Friends Despite Past Betrayals
00:03:17
Speaker
flex. Like, this is not the takeaway from this. Like, this shouldn't be the takeaway shouldn't be now we just.
00:03:25
Speaker
throw friendships away entirely just because there are some friends who are going to be trifling, right? Like, if you go to a restaurant and the food is bad, do you stop eating all food or do you just go to a different restaurant? Like, how about we just make new friends?
00:03:42
Speaker
And I could talk about this from experience because all my life I have had a hard time with friends until my adult life. Like when I was in grade school, I had a very hard time making girlfriends. I am certainly not and never have been one of those girls that's like, I don't fuck with girls. I don't do girlfriends. That's never been me. I'm like,
00:04:07
Speaker
please can i have please i don't know well i do have some speculation i won't get into it but i've not had easy times of making girlfriends for various reasons so i've always had a lot of guy friends which kind of was what it was i kind of just accepted it
00:04:26
Speaker
In high school, I did start to make some girlfriends who I was really excited about because we all played sports together and I was like, this is great. And they ended up stabbing me in the back. When we got to senior year, that's when it all came out. We were supposed to go, this is so traumatic. We were supposed to go on a spring break trip together and they deserted me, you all, they actually deserted me on the planned trip together. And I had to call my dad and he had to come,
00:04:56
Speaker
we were going to Florida, so from Atlanta to Orlando. And I had to call my dad and he like drove down and picked me up and then like he and I just ended up hanging out. Like it was it was traumatic, I promise you. And, you know,
Praying for Genuine Connections in College
00:05:13
Speaker
whole time my parents were like, those girls don't really like you. I think they're jealous of you. And I didn't want to believe it, but that ended up being the case. And I was so sad because I said, I just want to have some girls that I can kick it with and talk to and not always be with dudes all the time. Like it's, it's imbalance. And so that obviously, look, that could have easily made me say,
00:05:39
Speaker
Fuck that. I get all bitter, but I didn't do that. When I went to college, I was hanging out with a whole bunch of dudes and I was like, I really want some girlfriends for real. There are girls out there that I know are going to be good and I want to find them and I want to be friends with them. So I actually prayed about that, you all. I prayed to God, can you please send me some girlfriends?
00:06:04
Speaker
He actually did. He sent me six girls who we, the seven of us were best friends all throughout college. We are still friends to this day. Three of us are like sisters, like super duper close, my best friends in the world. And I'm so thankful that I never gave up on friendship because of that bad experience in high school.
Friendship Benefits During the Pandemic
00:06:28
Speaker
And that has been
00:06:30
Speaker
Having not just those girls, but the close friendships that I have now have helped my life in so many ways. How would I have gotten through the pandemic? I don't even know. Having close friendships is just something that is unmatched in terms of knowing that you have people to call on, that you have people who you can rely on. Now all my best friends are spread around different cities, and look,
00:07:00
Speaker
I'll always have somewhere to stay if I'm in any of those cities. It's not even a question. I could just, not that I would do this because I think this is rude, but if I showed up tomorrow unannounced, I'll be in the house. It ain't going to be like, what? What are you doing here? It's just going to be like, okay, well, come in. I wouldn't do that because I think that's rude.
00:07:16
Speaker
But I'm just saying to the extent that these people are basically my siblings. They have their own relationship with my mom. Multiple of my friends just be texting my mom and chatting with her. And I'm cool with their families and their parents and their siblings. So the fact that I have these types of friendships, I feel so blessed about it. I really believe that it has been one of the best things in my life to be able to have
00:07:46
Speaker
close friends like this. The seven girls that I was just mentioning from college, like we were all just together a few weeks ago in Atlanta, celebrating my best friends, baby shower, damn near 20 years later, like,
00:08:06
Speaker
no time passed i mean just having a good time laughing kiki and cracking up. We were recreating pictures literally from two thousand seven and first of all we still look good black don't crack thank you very much but it was just so cute to be like this is from oh seven to today.
00:08:26
Speaker
and this is adorable that we're even doing this we all came together every single one of us celebrating my friend and her new baby and it's like that's what life is about for real like that shit is priceless like that is amazing and i want that for other people i want that for everyone like everyone deserves that
Friendships vs. Romantic Relationships in Health Outcomes
00:08:48
Speaker
But sadly, a lot of people, like I was saying, look down on friendships. They're like, oh, friendships for what? And I was reading this Washington Post article that, well, it was reporting on like a lot of different studies, including a recent one from the University of Maryland, which basically said that like people don't give a fuck about friendships and people prioritize romantic partnerships over friendships. However, people
00:09:18
Speaker
what strong friendships have like, they have better mental health, they have better physical health, they live longer. It didn't even matter about familial relationships. So it didn't matter about having children or a big extended family. It literally was like friendships was what was helping these people have better health. And so
00:09:41
Speaker
That's just one study, but there are so many that clearly show the importance of friendships in our lives. And sadly, the pandemic, of course, has made it worse. There are people, a lot of people who lost touch with friends, a lot of people who said that in general, they have less friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people say they don't have any close friends. They would not consider anyone in their life a close friend.
00:10:11
Speaker
Like, what can we do about that? Because we really need to prioritize friendships as highly or maybe even more highly than we do romantic relationships. Like, people are so quick to be willing to put work into their romantic relationship. Like, if there's an issue with their boyfriend or girlfriend, let's talk about it. Let's try to work it out.
00:10:36
Speaker
But if there's an issue with their friendship, they just let the friend go. I'm like, if you're interacting with any human being, you're going to have to put whether it could be your mom, your boss, your coworker, you're going to have to put effort into it for it to
00:10:50
Speaker
go well for it to be smooth. So why would you not put effort into a friendship? And people have this thought process that's like, well, if we're meant to be friends, it'll just flow. And I'm like, no, just like any relationship, you got to put work in and you have to like make choices about what you're going to do to show up to that relationship and show up for the other person and make space for them. So
00:11:20
Speaker
Oh, it's just like I'm I'm seeing all these things that are really showing how people are losing their friendships and over the course of their life, like by the time you're 50, who are you going to be able to call that? And that's just a sad thing for me to think about.
00:11:39
Speaker
And I know, even in our 30s now, I think a lot of people who are listening to this probably are late 20s, early 30s. And it does get harder to make friendships at this age. I moved to DC. I already had friends here a little bit, but not that many. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna need new friends. I have to add to this list. I can't keep calling these same two people. And so,
00:12:07
Speaker
that took work on my end. And now I have a much bigger network of friends in DC. And so I started like making new friends in my late twenties when I moved here because I put in that effort and I was very mindful about making that a priority in my life.
Intentional Friendship Maintenance
00:12:26
Speaker
And just like with anything, if we want something, we have to prioritize the work it takes to achieve it. And
00:12:35
Speaker
I think just like with romantic relationships, people get worried about maybe looking thirsty or looking like they're trying too hard. And that's why we're also in the epidemic that we're in on that side of things where dating is just such a shit show because people are not showing up authentically.
00:12:58
Speaker
And it's the same thing on the friendship side. We just need to be authentic and show up and not be afraid to say, hi, I'm trying to make a new connection. Do you wanna hang out? Because there's just no chance that we're gonna be able to make new friends as adults if we don't do that. I think when it comes to either making new friends or maintaining your friendships as you get older, there are like several things that I would recommend
00:13:26
Speaker
As I was just saying, you have to be intentional. You have to make it a priority. You have to really try, even if it means scheduling it into your calendar to reach out to people, to call people, even if it means traveling. This is very important to me. All of my close friends who don't live nearby, I have to make it very
00:13:50
Speaker
I have to make it a part of my planning to make sure that I see them. I'm going to go to Atlanta and LA and Baltimore. I'm going to be around the country trying to see these folks and they're going to come here to see me too. I remember when I was much younger and not thinking about all of this as intentionally, one of my best friends moved from Atlanta to New York and she called me and was like, how come you're not visiting me in New York? I was like, oh, I don't know.
00:14:20
Speaker
I mean, like, I haven't even thought about it. And she was like, well, you need to be trying to keep in touch with me now that I live in New York. Like, you don't call me enough. You should try to visit me. And I was like, dang, you're absolutely right. Like, my bad. I'm really not trying to be neglectful. I just wasn't thinking about
Open Communication in Friendships
00:14:40
Speaker
it. And I had to reprioritize. And so I went to New York and I spent time with her and I started calling her more.
00:14:47
Speaker
And so we have to just have that kind of priority. And along those lines, the communication, like she hit me up and said, look, here's something that I want you to be doing a better job of. And I heard her and I was like, okay, thank you for sharing that with me. And we need to not only reserve communication, communicating for
00:15:10
Speaker
romantic relationships like every relationship deserves good communication and every relationship is gonna require you to talk some shit out like in within all the friendships that I've been mentioning like we've had issues we've had times where we were mad at each other we've had times where we might have stopped talking for a little while and then we had to come back together and like figure some shit out and that's just
00:15:35
Speaker
That's just what's going to happen. Everything is not going to be smooth all the time, but you have to put it on the table. Here's how I'm feeling. Here's why I got upset and figure out how to move past it. And too, too, too, too, too many people just let the friendship go. That is baffling to me. Did you ever care about that person if one hiccup came up and you just decided to stop talking to them?
00:15:59
Speaker
That's what was going on with Molly and Issa. Y'all remember season four of Insecure? They were not communicating. All they had to do was talk about their real feelings and say, here's how I feel sometimes. You make me feel judged or you make me feel like you're looking down on me. And they could have easily worked that shit out much sooner than they actually did, but they didn't communicate. And they were both too focused on romantic partners to prioritize each other. And so to me,
00:16:29
Speaker
We gotta communicate. We gotta communicate just as much as we would do in a romantic relationship.
Reliability and the Importance of Showing Up
00:16:35
Speaker
And we gotta be fucking reliable because y'all love to flake.
00:16:41
Speaker
Y'all love to not show up when you said you weren't going to show when you said you were going to show up. I've had so many people when I first moved to DC, I was like really trying to make new friends, like I said, and I was like, I would meet people who I said, Oh, my gosh, like, I really feel the spark because the spark is a real thing.
00:17:01
Speaker
whether romantic or friendship, you can feel a spark with anybody. So I will be like, I feel a spark with this person. I'm excited. I'm gonna invite them to brunch. I'm gonna invite them out. Hopefully we can hang out. I will get just as excited as if it was a date, because I'm like, it's a new friend. And these folks stayed flaking on me. The flakiness epidemic is real, y'all.
00:17:27
Speaker
Y'all love to not show up when you said you were gonna show up. And that shit is a surefire way to not have friends. Because me, you get one time. Maybe two. Maybe two if you had a good excuse the first time. But you definitely don't get repeated times to flake on me. The invites will never come again. I mean, it's real easy. So those folks who I said, oh, maybe they could be my friend. I felt a spark. Nope. They flaked. We don't talk. We don't talk anymore.
00:17:56
Speaker
And I'm not saying that they're sitting around right now feeling lonely and friendless, but I'm just saying that if they wanted to be my friend, that cut that off real quick. And I may not be the only person who feels that way. And so I would encourage you that if you are that person and you flake on plans all the time, and you also feel like, damn, people don't really hit me up to go out.
00:18:20
Speaker
There is a relationship there that is connected to one another. And similarly, not just flaking, but even just declining invites. I mean, I know that's kind of like not fair. Like you might feel like, well, damn, I'm really busy. Okay. I mean, so be it. But if you say no to invites over and over again, the invites will stop coming. Like it's just, it's just the truth.
00:18:45
Speaker
If you want to be invited and you want to be included, you have to say yes, and you have to make the time and the space for it. Otherwise, people just aren't gonna invite you. And so from the other side of that, that was a big thing for me. If I got invited anywhere, I'm saying yes, because I want you to invite me. I want to be a part, like let me,
00:19:10
Speaker
you know, I want you to think of me as somebody who's down to hang out. So yes, I'm saying yes, if I if I can make it work, I'm going to make it work. And that's how I'm able to like build this new network in DC.
Creating Opportunities for New Friendships
00:19:24
Speaker
And I would say definitely the other really important thing is just putting yourself out there and finding a place where you can interact with the same people over and over again. That's key. If everything's a one-off, it's never going to happen in terms of building a relationship. So it has to be something like
00:19:44
Speaker
you know, some volunteering at church together or like a sports league or a book club. For me, it was an organization, Thursday Network here in DC, where like I joined that thing and was like head first into everything like Thursday Network event, I'm there.
00:19:59
Speaker
Thursday Network volunteering, I'm there. Eventually I got on the board. Like my whole life was TN for like a good two and a half years. And now my entire friend circle in DC, if I didn't already know them, is through TN. I mean like my entire, my entire friendships of Washington DC are through this one organization because I was in it so deeply that I was making friends with all these people who we were just together all the time.
00:20:28
Speaker
And that's how you made friends in school, because you were just with the same people all the time. So you have to recreate that in adulthood. And that comes through organizations or sports or whatever. So for me, that was the key. And now I live with somebody from TN. And so many of my closest friends that were new came from this organization.
00:20:56
Speaker
putting yourself out there and not being afraid to be like, hi, I'm trying to make new connections. Like it's not weird to tell people, hi, I'm trying to make friends. Like I'm new here. That's okay. And it's going to be a little awkward in the beginning. You have to try to like find conversation, but it'll happen. Like it's not that awkward part in the beginning doesn't last that long. And so.
00:21:18
Speaker
I really just wanted to make this episode to encourage anybody who maybe, maybe you're not like there yet, but you could feel yourself getting there in terms of losing friendships or falling out of touch with
Effort in Maintaining Friendships for Community Support
00:21:32
Speaker
people. Like put that effort in to keep your relationships. If you want more friends, it is not too late in life to make them. You just have to put
00:21:43
Speaker
forth that very concerted, intentional effort and prioritize it. And I just think we need to, especially as Black people, y'all, especially with what we have to face every day as Black people, we need communities so badly. We need each other. We need to be able
00:22:03
Speaker
to talk to each other and be with each other through these moments. We are under attack all the time as Black people in America, and we will not get through that shit without each other. So we need to prioritize friendship and community and having a network beyond your mate because we need that closer connection to people
00:22:29
Speaker
that doesn't have anything to do with romance, right? So that's my rant. That's my spiel. Thank you for listening. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. Definitely connect with me on social media at the Geneva says on Instagram. And then I'm also on social media at Britney underscore Geneva. So thank you so much for listening and I'll talk to you next week.