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15: Great Expectations
57 Plays4 years ago
From people using COVID to prove friendships, to the feelings that Molly and Issa's failing friendship on Insecure seem to be bringing the forefront, it's time to talk about expectations and how some people's are way too high. Mindful Musings is now Geneva Says - more at brittanygeneva dot com.
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Transcript
Brittany's Return and New Ventures
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello, hello. It is Brittany Geneva. I am back with another episode, Mindful Musings. Sorry I took so long, guys. But I think I have a decent excuse. I have had a lot going on, things I'm working on, things that are simmering. I actually just launched a YouTube channel.
00:00:30
Speaker
Oh my God, uh, called Geneva savvy. And basically it is all about personal branding tips for promoting yourself, promoting, promoting your business. Um, just some, you know, in this time of COVID, it seems like a lot of people are sort of thinking about reinventing themselves and how can they sort of rebrand themselves? So it sort of inspired me. So I've been working on that.
00:00:57
Speaker
I also have another thing in the works. I'm not ready to tell everyone about it yet, but something else that's pretty big. So I've been, you know, this time off has really, at first I was like the struggle-iest of all struggles, whoever struggled. But once I sort of kind of started getting used to this, it made me realize, okay, like,
00:01:20
Speaker
I really do have all these things swimming in my head and now it's time to make them happen. So I've been working on that so much and unfortunately that means that the blog and podcast have been just a little bit neglected.
00:01:34
Speaker
You know, here I am back and let's just forget about the past,
Impact of 'Insecure' on Brittany's Content Creation
00:01:39
Speaker
okay? And I had to come back because the amount of conversation I've been having about Insecure over the last two weeks has been, has been a lot. And I'm like, you know what? I think, I think this is worth making a podcast about. So I am going to, I just have to get it out. I have to get it out of my spirit.
00:02:05
Speaker
I also saw back to something that's like more COVID related. I saw a tweet from Tia Mowry, who of course, she later deleted the tweet. I hate when people do that. If you say something and people didn't like it, you may, you can say, I wish I hadn't said it or, you know, now I'm looking back on it thinking differently, but don't delete it. Like you said what you said and own that you said it. And that at the time you felt that way, even if now you,
00:02:35
Speaker
feel differently anyways. So she said, you know, right now people, whoever's checking in on you during this quarantine, that's how you know who your real friends are. She said that. And a lot of people liked it. A lot of people retweeted it, which means a lot of people agreed with it. Right. But somebody replied to it and said, that's actually really shitty.
00:03:03
Speaker
This is a really difficult time. People are going through depression. People are going through potential job loss, financial difficulty, potentially friends and family are getting COVID and being in the hospital. I have a friend whose parents, both of his parents were in the hospital for a month with COVID. So that's the time that you decide to test your friendship? The fuck?
00:03:28
Speaker
And of course, when people started agreeing with that reply, the original tweet disappeared. But it got me started thinking about expectations, the expectations that we have of our friends.
Friendship Dynamics in 'Insecure'
00:03:44
Speaker
And then layer on top of that, I'm watching Insecure. Obviously, from the beginning of the season, we knew that Issa and Molly were eventually going to potentially break up, right, as best friends.
00:03:57
Speaker
And we see that really hit like a high point last episode. So I'm not the one that aired last night, but the one that aired a week ago when Issa asked Molly to talk to Andrew and help her secure a new headliner for the block party. And at, well, I was gonna say at the time, but I think I still feel this way. I know a lot of people were like,
00:04:23
Speaker
Fuck Molly for not helping. That's your best friend. This is her big, you know, goal and dream that she's been working on for a long time. You have an opportunity to do something to help her and you're not doing it like terrible. What a terrible friend. But from where I sit, I didn't see it that way.
00:04:47
Speaker
I understand it, and if it were me, I would have done it. I would have said, sure, I'll just ask him. You know, like, whatever, no pressure. I'll ask him if he says yes, he says yes, if he says no, it's no, whatever. Like, I just, whatever. But I could understand Molly saying, I don't think I owe this connect. Like, you lost your first headliner. You don't know why. I don't know why. Maybe it was something you did. I mean, come on, you guys.
00:05:17
Speaker
He says a property manager and couldn't even get the fucking water fixed. So let's not act like she's gone from, you know, a fuck up to like this perfect business woman. Like she still has her issues and it was highly possible that she could have been the reason why Schoolboy Q dropped out. So we don't know why your headliner dropped out. What if this shit goes left and I'm in the middle? That it's too much.
00:05:44
Speaker
So the expectation for Molly to have to do this thing for Issa to me is unfair.
COVID-19's Effect on Friendship Expectations
00:05:52
Speaker
I think if Molly did it, great. But Molly not doing it doesn't make her shit. It's just like, you know, she's she's calculating the risk. And I think.
00:06:04
Speaker
that and then, you know, that tweet from Tia and just other conversations that I've been having and things I've been experiencing recently really made me think like, what kinds of expectations do we have of people and do we have of our friends and do we need to revisit those expectations? I think sometimes people are like, if you're my friend, you have to do anything and everything for me. And I'm like, so where we really got that fucked up was the have to.
00:06:34
Speaker
I don't, I mean, let's keep it a full buck. I don't have to do anything for anybody except God and my mama. You know, like I don't have to do anything. There's no have to other than stay black and die. So that is already, I'm already misaligned with the statement because I don't have to anything, right?
00:06:59
Speaker
But of course, for somebody who I consider to be my best friend, I want to do things for them. I want to do whatever I can to help them. I want to support in every way possible. I want to be, you know, a solid rock for them, of course. But if there are a couple of situations where I didn't do that, I don't believe that I've been a disappointing friend. I think that
00:07:28
Speaker
I've had to juggle things in my life, right? Every waking minute of my day cannot be spent thinking about other people, especially in a time of COVID. Back to what Tia was saying, I may not be calling my friends to check in on them and maybe slipping to the bottom of my list because I'm trying to stay alive. I'm trying to stay afloat. I'm worried about getting laid off.
00:07:51
Speaker
I'm over here like gaining 15 pounds in one week because I'm like emotional eating. I'm trying to call my mom to make sure that she's not doing stuff she needs to be doing because she's in a high risk category. I'm over here thinking about all you know damn do I need to be trying to call my mortgage company and see if I need to stop down on the mortgage payments for two months because what if some shit goes down and I need to be able to have that buffer. Whatever it is I literally am thinking about that and maybe like
00:08:19
Speaker
that thing, even though it was so important to my friend, maybe it just slipped to the bottom of my list because this is like not a normal time, right? So automatically, I think people's expectations are out of whack, especially during this time. But even if you remove the COVID factor, it's still just like, do you really think
00:08:40
Speaker
that somebody is always thinking about you. Like I just think, you know, do you think that somebody is always going to think about you and always going to drop everything for you and always going to do what they, what you want them to do? Even if said person is your best friend, don't they have a life? Don't they have their own worries and their own concerns?
00:08:59
Speaker
You know, I think it's interesting that I see a lot of people saying on Twitter that Molly seems like the type to do anything to get a man. Molly seems like, you know, she's sacrificing what she has with Isa just so that she can be with Andrew. But I really don't see it that
Balancing Relationships and Friendships
00:09:16
Speaker
way. I think Molly is a woman in her early 30s who has struggled to find a relationship that works.
00:09:26
Speaker
And she has found one and she's trying to take it seriously. She's like not going to bullshit around with it because it took her 30 plus years to get there in the first place. So she's going to be extra careful, extra cautious, extra thoughtful, because this is something that's very important in her life. And she doesn't want she knows how she can be. So she doesn't want to fuck it up. I don't think that that's wrong.
00:09:55
Speaker
I don't think it's wrong for her to say I'm going to take a little extra care to ensure that I make sure this relationship works because I really like this guy and I really value this new relationship. What if she was like, oh, fuck it, whatever. And they broke up and her and Issa are friends, but she's still single at the end of the day. Issa is not going to marry her and have a child with her like there's nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with Molly saying I'm going to take extra care.
00:10:26
Speaker
to prioritize my relationship with Andrew because I really care about him and I think it could go somewhere. There's nothing wrong with that. And by not doing that, that's very short sighted. So I actually am 110% on board with it. And even if Issa really cares about her, Issa should actually be okay with that shit.
00:10:48
Speaker
I, when my best friend met her now husband, obviously it took her away from certain places where she used to be. It was harder to reach her sometimes or, you know, I wanted to see her, but she was with him. How dare I be like, well girl, you need to be here for me.
00:11:03
Speaker
Like, what? No, like, I can see that you guys are, you know, really getting close at that time. You know, years ago, I was like, this could be her husband. Like, who am I? Like, how dare I try to get in the way or somehow strain this relationship? Because I know she wants to be married and I know she wants to have a child and she needs to be like working on that now. You know, like, well, who am I to stop her from being great in that way? So.
00:11:33
Speaker
I think people's expectations become so selfish.
00:11:37
Speaker
And it just it's I'm looking at the tweets and I'm looking at the reactions and I'm like, do y'all really think that your best friend should make their life all about you? Because if you think that, then you are like destined for disappointment. Like, let's just get the disappointment out of the way now. It's never going to stop because that is an impossible expectation. And I think as people get older, it becomes an even more ridiculous expectation. People have other things that they have to think about.
00:12:07
Speaker
as they get into their 30s and beyond. So and a good friend would not hold them. A good friend would not be upset about different priorities popping up at different times. A good friend would support that shit and would be like, OK, cool. I see that you're really focused on X, so I'm all in on that for you. You know what I'm saying? I see that you have this new relationship with Andrew. You're really trying to make it work.
00:12:36
Speaker
So I understand how that might change things between us, at least for the time being. To me, I feel like people, well, again, based on last week's episode, we'll get to this week in a second.
00:12:51
Speaker
But people who think that Molly owes Isa more are a little bit out of whack when it comes to friendship expectations. And we need not expect a friend to drop everything, even if it is their friend. We need not expect someone to put their life second.
00:13:11
Speaker
I don't think that that's a reasonable expectation like we're not married So the only person for whom that applies is a spouse, you know, but otherwise Sometimes you got to think about you first and I have no problem with that from Molly now it's hard to you know after last night's episode and
00:13:34
Speaker
because now Molly has added another layer where I'm just like, fuck Molly. I was sort of understanding from your point of view. And then you went and did this stupid, terrible thing, which was to bring up this issue at the block party. Let, let's put aside for the moment, whether or not we think Molly was wrong or right, but
00:13:59
Speaker
However, whatever she was, if she really felt like she wanted to bring it up, it should have been the next day. It should have been in two days. Let this girl get through this event. Let her have a moment to bask in. It went well. I can't believe I finally accomplished this. Hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus. And then if you want to, and if you still feel a type of way, you can send her a text or give her a quick call and say, Hey, I'm so glad everything went well, but
00:14:28
Speaker
I do wish you had given me a heads up that you were going to go to Andrew through Nate. Now. Look, I'm on the fence about whether or not that even that would be necessary, because honestly, if it weren't for Nate, none of them would know Andrew. So it's very plausible that Isa could have done that exact same course of action, whether or not Andrew and Molly were dating. So I still feel like
00:14:57
Speaker
Even that is a little bit, maybe more than necessary. But I will accept that if she felt a type of way, she's allowed to have her feelings. She could say it, but not then. Certainly not at that time. And certainly not with that level of drama. I mean, cousin and, oh my God. Ugh.
00:15:19
Speaker
That really pissed me off. I'm like, Molly, what the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you approach this woman during her event and then not only during the event, but with this level of vitriol and this level of energy, girl, what? Over something that literally no one else was mad about over something that Andrew wasn't mad about and like everything worked out fine.
00:15:46
Speaker
I just, Molly just makes herself indefensible. I'm just like, Molly, damn, I'm trying. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but you just really, you make it hard. So, but even then, even continuing the theme of like out of whack expectations, what was Molly's expectation of Isa at that time? Cause if Molly said, I don't want it,
00:16:15
Speaker
ask Andrew to make this connect because I don't want to be in the middle and cross a boundary with Andrew, a boundary that he and I have. I mean, OK, whatever. So Issa did it without getting you in the middle and without crossing your boundary. So what was the real reason that you didn't want her to go through Andrew? And what's the real expectation that you have of Issa?
00:16:43
Speaker
Is it that she you only want her to do things that you approve? Is it that you only want her to be as successful as you decide is OK? I just I'm confused about the source of Molly's anger because technically Isa didn't do anything that Molly. Said would be upsetting to her. So again, expectations.
Communication Breakdown in 'Insecure'
00:17:11
Speaker
both sides. At first I thought Isa's expectations of Molly might have been a little bit too high and now I feel after this past episode that Molly's expectations of Isa
00:17:22
Speaker
are out of whack because it just doesn't seem to make sense that she would be so upset, even if she was slightly annoyed. I could maybe be more understanding, but this level of anger and then why aren't you upset with Andrew? Andrew didn't tell you what he did. I would actually be maybe a little bit more upset with him. So I'm very confused about that. What is your expectation of Isa and why did this make you so angry?
00:17:50
Speaker
He said what is your expectation of molly what do you think she should be doing for you i just think all the way around. In addition to piss poor communication which these women to be thirty something and not be able to express their feelings is beyond me but.
00:18:07
Speaker
outside of the communication issues, they also just have, I think, expectation issues. And you have to be able to look at somebody else as human. Their whole life is not about you, best friend title or not. So you need to start with the lens of, this may be my best friend, but she has her own life.
00:18:31
Speaker
And it does not exist for the purpose of being my friend. So that said, what is a proper expectation of this person in this situation? And every situation has to be looked at uniquely. What is this person going through? Is there a specific thing happening right now? Is this a specific moment in time? Is something going on with her family? Is something going on with her career?
00:18:55
Speaker
whatever it is that would cause her to maybe be a little bit different than she usually is right now. Whatever the case is, we have to have grace. The thing that's missing that is needed to balance out all these crazy high expectations is grace. The understanding that, yep, they're gonna disappoint me. We have to go into relationships just knowing that the other person is gonna disappoint us at some point. And we just have to say that that is life.
00:19:25
Speaker
We just have to chalk that up to the game. So they're having these high expectations and no grace with each other, no understanding, no sympathy, no empathy. So I think that Molly and Isa are in this place of their own doing. They can't communicate. Their expectations are all out of whack. And they aren't having grace with each other.
00:19:50
Speaker
And it just reminds me in my own life, I've been best friends with my best friends for 14 years. And I can count on one hand, the amount of arguments or disagreements there have been. And we work that shit out. And it never lasts for longer than like a week, you know? But.
00:20:09
Speaker
They do happen. But the reason how the way that you can keep those things from escalating to a full blown breakup is by actually having grace and tempering expectations. The expectation of expectation of perfection will have you fucked up every time. And in addition to the communication issues, which have been very well sort of documented between Molly and Isa, I think the other thing that's not being talked about
00:20:39
Speaker
is the expectation piece. And they each have unrealistic and unfair expectations for each other, especially as they continue to get older and pursue new things in life, which they should be free to do without feeling like they owe the other one something. Molly is really trying to get serious about a relationship now. She's in her early 30s.
00:21:03
Speaker
She probably wants to have kids. She wants to get married. This has to become a higher priority in her life. And there's nothing wrong with that. Issa's really getting serious about, okay, I want to make my own way. I don't want to have to constantly be working at these shit nonprofits. I want to create something new. And that is a new priority for her.
00:21:23
Speaker
That's fine. People have new things that pop up in their spirit every day. And as your best friend, you should respect that and be as supportive as possible, but also giving them the space that they need to be able to make that thing. So anyways, I could go on and on. It's already been 21 minutes, so I need to stop now. But I'm very curious to see how this season continues. And if Isa and Molly can come to any sort of
00:21:52
Speaker
you know, any sort of truce because it is unfortunate to see this friendship fall apart over some shit that is completely preventable and like treatable if they would just put in the effort and be a little bit more vulnerable and graceful with each other.
Listener Engagement and Future Episodes
00:22:12
Speaker
So that's all I have to say on that. Please hit me up.
00:22:15
Speaker
You know, I'm on Instagram and Twitter at Britney underscore Geneva. Let me know what you think. I'm happy to keep talking about this for another two weeks because it does make some interesting conversation. But, you know, would love to hear your thoughts on it. And I will be back hopefully soon with another episode. Thanks for listening.