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24: Healing Hurts
65 Plays2 years ago
2022 was a year of healing and growth but nobody told me that healing would hurt so much! Still, I chose me, and I'm not sorry.
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Transcript
Introduction and New Year Wishes
00:00:09
Speaker
Yo, what up? This is Brittany Geneva back for another episode of Geneva says Happy New Year. Happy 2023. Happy This is the year I'm going to finally get it together.
00:00:25
Speaker
And I can prove it more on that later, but happy. This is the year that you're going to get consistent Geneva says episodes. I said it. I said it. I know I've said that before. It doesn't matter. Today's a new day.
Recap of 2022 and Personal Growth
00:00:41
Speaker
And now believe, believe this day, don't listen to the other days. Um, I hope everyone had a wonderful.
00:00:50
Speaker
end of their year. I hope everybody got to take a break. You relax, you recharge, you spent time with people you care about. And now we are back in it 2023. We're circling back on all of the things that we said we would circle back on in January. So here we are. So of course, as I now realize, like I pretty much do every year, I'll just do
00:01:14
Speaker
little podcast just sort of recapping, you know, the year before. And, you know, just talk about like, my not my goals, not my resolutions, but just talk about
00:01:32
Speaker
more things um so basically yeah 2022 for me was like very hard that's the headline it was a rough freaking year i feel like that's true for a lot of people if it is not true for you i'm hating um but for me it was a rough one because i actually
Choosing Herself and Healing Journey
00:01:57
Speaker
did the best job that I have ever done of choosing myself. And that is a very good thing, but that made my ear hard. It actually really was the revelation to me that although healing is a wonderful thing, it hurts in the beginning. Like, why didn't y'all tell me?
00:02:27
Speaker
working through mostly little T, but a little bit of big T trauma has really helped me to get down the road of my healing journey in an amazing way, which I'm so, so, so, so happy about. But dang, you heal and then you realize, oh, my unhealed self enjoyed things that now my healed self can't take.
00:02:54
Speaker
And it hurts, like, it hurts to let go of that shit. That is what 2022 was for me. It was me really choosing myself, really embracing, like, here's what I really need.
Career Reflections and Decisions
00:03:10
Speaker
Here's what my boundaries really are. Here's the things I really can and can't deal with anymore. And now, whoo. Shit, like it. OK, so let me give you some examples, so I think
00:03:24
Speaker
The biggest example, actually, I won't even say that. It's just, they're all big. One example is with work. Obviously, my love hate slash mostly hate relationship with work that has been ongoing for many years.
00:03:40
Speaker
And, but I have always in my unhealed space been driven by accomplishment and moving up the ladder and bigger titles and more money and promotions and just, you know, that sort of thing in a way that has
00:03:59
Speaker
long caused me to not have proper boundaries at work. I would allow work to take over my life. I would just be all about work in service of that promotion or that raise or that bonus or whatever. And I literally hit the wall with it in 2022. I literally hit
00:04:28
Speaker
a wall like I'm currently a vice president at my firm and I've been I've been a VP at my previous firm and then at my current firm because I made a lateral move. I've been a VP for kind of a long time now and it's certainly time to get up to that SVP.
00:04:48
Speaker
And so I started talking to my manager about that and like, you know, I'm really trying to make this move. And she's like, okay, here's the things that, that need to be done. And as I started to really key in on those and be like, okay, like I'm on my SVP path right now. Like let's go. It was, it was killing me. Well, like I was crying after work days and getting up extra early and staying online extra late and like,
00:05:16
Speaker
being on meetings all day, every day, like no time to even go to the bathroom or go have lunch. I mean, it was just so crazy. And I'm like, so you mean to tell me that other SVP that will not other SVPs because I'm not one, but like SVPs are doing this. Like, is this what they're doing? And I literally actually like had calls with people who were either SVPs or VPs who I knew were about to get promoted.
00:05:44
Speaker
And I'm like, give me the secret sauce. Like what am I missing? Why is this so hard for me? Why are you able to seemingly do this so well? And they all said the same thing, which was some combination of, I don't really have a life outside of work. And I don't like it. Like one of them told me, oh, I'm about to quit. And he actually, and he did probably like six months later.
00:06:10
Speaker
The other one said, oh, this shit like sucks. I don't like it, but it's just I've been doing it for so long and I just know how to do it. And the other one basically said the same thing. Like she the other two basically said like, oh, I don't I don't like this. This is just I've gotten used to it essentially, which led me to believe that like, OK, if I were to keep going on this path, eventually I would just like get used to it. And I just really was like,
00:06:41
Speaker
No. That was the moment when I literally started thinking to myself, do I really want this promotion? Let's say I do everything I need to do to be able to get to SVP. I get the promotion and then this is my life. These women don't have lives outside of work. They just told me, I have a life outside of work and I'm trying to have a bigger life outside of work. What do you mean? I don't want that for my life.
00:07:04
Speaker
I don't wanna actively be like, oh yeah, I hate this, but I do it anyway. Like what the fuck? So I literally just started without even realizing it, like rejecting this path I had been on for years of like, we're moving up, we're moving up, we're moving up, because I now know, because my healed self was like starting to say, yeah, no, this is not choosing you. Like if you go down this path,
00:07:33
Speaker
you are going to suffer, so don't go down that path.
Life Reevaluation and Part-Time Role
00:07:38
Speaker
And I started to think, you know, should I leave the job? There are things I really like about the job, so I don't want to leave it, but should I if this is the only path for me? And thankfully, my mom who, you know, what would I do without her? She was like, why don't you just see if you can have like a leave of absence? And so I actually was able to get a six week
00:08:01
Speaker
paid leave of absence. So that's what I referred to as my sabbatical. And that was an extremely, I mean, that was a pivotal time, like, shout out to my amazing bestie Antonio, who got me this great book that I read during during that time, that really helped give me a lot of clarity called designing your life, very, very good book. And actually, one of the biggest takeaways
00:08:27
Speaker
This is so simple, but one of the biggest takeaways from the book is there's no one right path. Relieve yourself from the pressure that you have to pick the path for your life or else you will fail. There are many paths you can take.
00:08:40
Speaker
this book is designed to help you identify a few of them and then just try them out. And if the first one isn't what you wanted, then try the second one. And it's just very, the book is very freeing and empowering around like, you should try lots of things and you should not consider yourself bound to any one, you know, thing that you have to do. So anyways, great book. Read it if you are, you know, having some questions about where you are, but
00:09:10
Speaker
At any rate, it was a great, great, great time off that passed by way too fast. And the test for me was, when I go back to work, am I going to feel refreshed and renewed and ready to jump back in? Or am I going to immediately feel down because I'm back to the grind? And it was certainly the latter. Like I got back in and I was like, fuck, like, did I even have the six weeks off? Like it was just right back to the shit.
00:09:38
Speaker
And even with like some, you know, me taking my foot off the gas of like, I gotta get to SVP. It was still just like, but.
00:09:48
Speaker
Even at VP, I'm working my fucking ass off. So I was just like, it's too much. So completely, I did not plan this. I did not script it out. I didn't think about it too much before I did it. I just went to my manager on the day of my performance review, which was not a very good review for all the reasons because I clearly was overwhelmed for a lot of the year.
00:10:13
Speaker
And I said, yeah, I don't think I can keep doing this. So I said, it doesn't even make sense for us to do this review because I would be lying to you if I said, oh yeah, I'm going to do much better in 2023. It's going to be the same, sis. I'm still not able to manage all of the things.
00:10:34
Speaker
Y'all want every moment to be filled. Y'all want every free space to have something in it, whether it's a meeting, whether it's some internal working group, whether it's the actual client work. Oh yeah, you know, that part. Whether it's managing another person. Y'all don't let anything just breathe. You just pile on people until they literally can barely move. And I can't take that.
00:11:01
Speaker
but I do like the work. I do like the actual client work that we do. So is there a way that I can only do that? I mean, honestly, and then I don't want to manage people anymore. I don't want to be on internal work committees. I don't want to do all of the things that, you know, high level managers typically do. I just want to do the work. I'm sorry. And thankfully,
00:11:28
Speaker
We work something out and I now work part time doing exactly what I said. And I am so freaking thankful that my healed self was able to actually advocate for myself and be unequivocal about this is what I need. And my manager said to me, Brittany, I am so freaking proud of you because I there is a time where I don't think you would have been able to have this kind of conversation with me.
00:11:58
Speaker
And she's like, I'm just so thankful that you said what you needed. And now I'm going to figure out how to get you what you need. And I'm just like, mind blown that we're actually here. And this is amazing, y'all. This is a positive story. I'm so happy. But let me tell you what, I still have pain.
00:12:20
Speaker
I still have pain around the fact that I'm not an SVP. I really want to freaking be an SVP. Everyone around me who started, we started as VPs together, they have gotten promoted. People who have started who were more junior than me, now they are VPs. Now we're the same. I feel like I'm not moving.
00:12:42
Speaker
And that's the hurt part within the healing because my unhealed self still has that like, okay, but we need to be moving up. But my healed self is like, no, like, sorry, we got to just do what we're doing right now because it's working. I've been doing this part time thing for a little while now and it's great. Like it's 11 or 10 something.
00:13:09
Speaker
on Thursday morning and I am doing this podcast and not working because I have time. I have time to do this and then log on a little bit later. So this is the right thing for me. But there's still that pain. There's still that hurt of like, dang. But now I feel like, you know, I've given up something that used to really matter to me. And that just is hard, but necessary. And I think
Relationships and Embracing Change
00:13:37
Speaker
As I think about the other really big example of this, of course, is in romantic relationships. I mean, y'all have seen the tweets. They're so relatable. When you start choosing yourself, your phone is dry. It's dry. The phone, there's nothing on it when you cut off the bullshit because 99% of these men only come with bullshit. And when you say, well, that's not going to work for me and you mean it. Oh, okay. Well, they onto the next one.
00:14:06
Speaker
Wow. Okay. I don't got no texts. Oh, I don't got no DMs. Okay. But so my healed self is making sure that I'm not settling for bullshit. Thank you. Thank you self for doing that. My unhealed self is back there like, Oh my gosh, this is lonely. This is boring. You know?
00:14:31
Speaker
I can't I can't just entertain that one situation for that one, you know, just for a little bit so I can have something going on. But when you're actually like in a more healed place, you you can't like it's not even a choice that you make it's actually like
00:14:46
Speaker
in your body, like it's not that I'm saying I'm choosing not to do this anymore. It's literally like I'm not able to do this anymore. It's it's it's so profound how like when that change actually takes place in you, it's not a choice. It is it is intrinsic. Like now I can't take the bullshit. Like my physical body is unable to receive it.
00:15:15
Speaker
So if it comes my way, I'm like, no, like I can't. I have to block this number. I have to ignore this text. I have to. I just can't do it. So that is wonderful and beautiful. And I love it for me. But it is hard to finally cut somebody off who you've been dealing with for a really long time or finally accept that this relationship
00:15:42
Speaker
it is not going to evolve past the point that it's at, or finally, or, you know, deal with the fact that like, you used to be out thottin' and boppin', and now like, you home, you know, with your dog, Coco. So, it's healing, but it hurts. And for anybody who was like, going through this too, like,
00:16:11
Speaker
I wish I could even say like, it gets better because I'm sure it does. It just hasn't necessarily for me yet. I hope and pray and believe that it will in 2023. But I haven't gotten there yet. I'm still in the place of like, oh, it hurts. I am so glad that I've chosen myself. I am so glad that I've advocated for myself.
00:16:34
Speaker
and that I've known myself and I've enforced my boundaries and I've made clear my needs and it still hurts. It really does. It is painful to see what I have lost in my healing, even though these are things that need to be lost. They are things that need to go away and never come back.
00:17:03
Speaker
It still hurts. It doesn't change the fact that it's difficult to actually make that turn and make that pivot to what your new healed life looks like. So that is all from me. Can anybody relate? Can anybody like understand what I'm talking about?
Conclusion and Invitation to Connect
00:17:25
Speaker
If you can, let me know. Hit me up. I'm on social media. Britney underscore Geneva.
00:17:32
Speaker
And I also am on Instagram feed.
00:17:37
Speaker
podcast is at The Geneva Says. I will be bringing you more podcast content. I will be bringing you more other types of content as well on that page, which I'm really excited about. I have a lot of things planned. The content is about to go crazy. I'm inspired by my friend Kirk Brown, who just posted about the million brand deals that he did in 2022 because he is constantly pumping out the content. And I'm like,
00:18:07
Speaker
I just want to be like you when I grow up, Kurt. Okay. But I really appreciate you guys for listening, of course, as always, and supporting me. And you're my favorites. And I love you. Okay, thanks. Bye.