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8: Unpopular Opinion: Money & Dating Edition
60 Plays6 years ago
When money gets in the way of dating, you get stories like the ones I am sharing. P.S. extra cussin. Mindful Musings is now Geneva Says - more at brittanygeneva dot com.
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Transcript
Introduction to Episode Eight
00:00:12
Speaker
Get down girl, go ahead, get down
00:00:15
Speaker
Get down girl, go ahead, get down. Aye, aye, aye. Unproblematic Kanye, come back to us. Hey y'all, this is Mindful Musings with Brittany Geneva, episode eight. How are y'all? It's been a while. You know, this every two weeks thing still isn't working out, but you'll deal and I'll deal and we'll all
00:00:41
Speaker
deal.
Gold Digger Assumptions: A Frustration
00:00:42
Speaker
Um, so I started out the episode with the classic gold digger, Kanye and Jamie Foxx, because I have been just seeing and experiencing and hearing a lot of stuff recently. And it's like, Oh, Oh, I'm rich to talk about this with y'all. I'm ready to have a good podcast episode to talk about
00:01:09
Speaker
Nigga's thinking that every motherfucking woman is a gold digger. Okay? And I got a problem. I got a problem with y'all who don't have a single bar of gold to your name thinking that women are trying to take from you. Okay? Let's get into it because first I have to tell y'all a story.
00:01:36
Speaker
Every time I think about this story, it just makes me laugh, honey, to myself.
A New York Dating Experience
00:01:41
Speaker
So a few years ago when I was still in New York, that was actually closer to the beginning of my time in New York. So maybe like 2014, I met a guy who was a DJ, super cute, beard, bald, my two favorite things.
00:02:00
Speaker
And I, you know, we met, started chatting and then, you know, decided to go out on a date. And I was like, anywhere you want to go, I'm down. So he picks a place called Spin in Manhattan, which is like a very expensive place. Like, I mean, not not like OD expensive, like, you know, I can't even think of an example, but it's not like crazy, but I'm saying it's pricey.
00:02:28
Speaker
And the whole concept of the place is that you play ping pong and then you can eat, obviously eat and drink or whatever. So the ping pong games are not too cheap. You know, the food and drinks are sort of up there in that New York price range, like $20 for a drink type of thing. And so, but that's what he picked. I'm like, okay, cool, whatever. So we get there, we play ping pong.
00:02:56
Speaker
Then we sit down to eat and it was more like drinks and apps, not like a full blown dinner. And he, you know, we got a round of drinks and I was like, Oh, I think I want another glass of wine.
Motivations Questioned: A Ping Pong Date
00:03:08
Speaker
And he was like, Oh, you got this round. And I said, come again. Pardon me. He was like, you know, I just gotta, you know, I just gotta make sure you hear for the right reasons. And it took everything.
00:03:25
Speaker
in my damn body, spirit, and soul to say, I know you don't think I'm trying to take your money when I live in a nice studio apartment in Manhattan and you live in a three bedroom house with seven people out in Queens. Nigga, I know you don't think that I came here looking for your gold. Matter of fact, I need to be on the lookout for my gold.
00:03:53
Speaker
Okay? Cause I ain't wealthy, but compared to you, I live in my own place and like pay my rent on my own every month. Just saying. So it took every ounce of my strength and energy not to come for him immediately off of that shit. Because the issue is not can we go Dutch or can you help pay?
00:04:23
Speaker
You know, if maybe you did a bad job researching because this was your choice. If maybe you did a bad job researching and you didn't realize the ping pong games were going to cost so much or whatever, and now you're looking at the budget like, oh crap, like we're about to go over it. If you said, oh, can you cover this round of drinks just on some like can't overspend tonight? I probably would be like, okay.
00:04:49
Speaker
But for you to specifically say, I gotta make sure you're here for the right reasons, as though I would put out of all the niggas in Manhattan of all places where money is, I'ma pick the broke one that lives in Queens with seven other people in a house that's only equipped for three, and I'm the gold digger, please, please.
00:05:16
Speaker
You Island, okay? That's what we're not doing.
Men's Spending Aversion on Dates
00:05:20
Speaker
So I'm like, I was triggered that memory came back to the top of my remembrance because I saw a tweet yesterday from a young lady who was like recounting a conversation that she had had. And the conversation goes like this. So the man says,
00:05:42
Speaker
I don't do dinner dates. I rather do fun and creative shit." And she goes, like what? And he says, "'Cause you bitch is not about to use me for money. Use me for food. I do creative shit where I don't have to spend." And she says, okay, like what? And then he just stares at her and says, I just do creative and fun shit.
00:06:09
Speaker
And then she actually posted a screenshot, because this was actually a conversation that happened. I can't remember if it was via text or on Twitter, but she posted a screenshot where she kept pressing him, like, give me examples. And he literally says, I'm not going to give everything away on here and have people trying to take my ideas. Nigga, if you don't get the entire fuck out of here with these trash excuses, but I'm just like, what's going on?
00:06:40
Speaker
I understand, so there's a couple of things that I understand. I don't personally know them, but I understand that women do go on dates with men that they are not interested in because they just want a meal or something to do.
Generational Attitudes on Dating Expenses
00:06:57
Speaker
I understand that that's the thing that occurs.
00:07:01
Speaker
I don't do that. I have not ever done that because I value every single minute of my time. So I will not spend it with anybody with whom I'm not genuinely interested in spending time. But I know that that happens. I also know that, you know, in life, there have been like in the life of people of a certain age, specifically millennials, especially
00:07:29
Speaker
older millennials, like the ones who are like mid thirties, they've seen financial crisis, like they've seen terrible things happen, people losing, you know, their own parents losing their retirement, you know, when they graduated from college and oh, eight and oh, nine, like couldn't get a job. Like it's like the thought process around money and around like how people are
00:07:53
Speaker
It's like different from older people because like when I've dated some guys 40 and over and they just don't have an ounce of that in their, in their spirit, like they are like, I'm spending, you know, the idea of spending money on like not splitting dates is like second nature to them to the point where they might even be like, don't even offer, you know, but if you do offer, they're like not going to take it.
00:08:20
Speaker
So that's definitely what I've experienced with the men like 40 and over versus the men who are like closer to my age where they're a lot more thoughtful about that. So I don't have a problem with a man saying, you know, I'm going to be more thoughtful about how I spend money on dates versus, you know, my dad or something, you know, that's fine. That's literally fine. And I have no problem with it. I have been out on dates.
00:08:49
Speaker
Like for example, I went to the movies and a guy was like, okay, I'm going to get the movie tickets. Can you get the, can you get some snacks or like whatever the case may be? That's fine. Like I literally could not care less. By the way, it could not care less. I hate when you people say could care less because that means that you care. And I just, it stresses me out. Um, so that's fine.
00:09:15
Speaker
But my issue begins when y'all come into the situation assuming a woman is trying to take from you. And moreover, you have the nerve and the gall and the audacity to not even really be that pop in financially.
Critique of Financial Assumptions in Dating
00:09:35
Speaker
If I were a woman who was trying to take money from a man, I would not choose your broke ass, okay? I'm gonna choose a man who is not basic, which you are. Like, I can't understand why broke dudes be thinking that somebody's trying to take from them. That, to me, is just like,
00:09:58
Speaker
beyond the realm of my understanding and comprehension. Like, who is trying to take from you? You are not, you have mad roommates and you live not even in the central part of town and you drive an old ass busted car if you have one at all and you're cute, that's all the reason why I'm here. What do you mean? Oh my gosh, like that shit will never cease to amaze me. I was out so,
00:10:28
Speaker
Y'all may or may not know. I mean, I think I've talked about it a few times, but I'm pretty active in the DC chapter of the Urban League Young Professionals. So I meet a lot of new people through the organization. And I met a couple of guys who just joined, both 26.
00:10:49
Speaker
And we got into a conversation about, you know, dating more broadly and just like using the apps and experiences on Tinder and Bumble and hinge and all these different things. And I was like, you know, how do y'all approach, you know, meeting up with people when you like somebody from the app? And they were so like adamant, like not, not normal energy.
00:11:18
Speaker
extreme energy about how they are not taking Tinder women or app women on real dates on the first date. Like you ain't going to be swiping through Tinder and see me and think you're going to use me for dinner. Nope. So the first date's going to be some, you know, maybe a happy hour, maybe a group thing that they're already at. And they could just tell the young woman, come meet me here.
00:11:47
Speaker
or something like that. And I'm like, what is that thought process? Again, I could see them saying, look, I have a budget that I don't want to go over. So.
00:11:58
Speaker
I don't like to spend a lot on dates until it's more serious. That is one thing. But it is another thing to say, these tender bitches be trying to use me and I ain't having it. I'm like, damn, like first of all, who do you think you are? Cause like y'all cool, but you ain't. Who do you think you are?
00:12:22
Speaker
And I'm like, why do y'all assume that these women don't have anything? That's the other thing that really gets me because I actually have had so, you know, for anybody who doesn't know, like my dad passed away five years ago, but before he passed, like we were so close. We talked all the time every day.
00:12:44
Speaker
And we talked about dating a lot. I actually used to talk to my dad about dating more than I talked to my mom. And he would be like, Brittany, you need to watch out for men trying to take stuff from you. He would tell that to me because, you know, hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus. I've been blessed like.
00:13:03
Speaker
I don't have pretty much any debt. I don't have student loans. I've always made like pretty good
Parental Warnings and Dating Precautions
00:13:09
Speaker
money, but then it's like better because I don't have debt, you know? So I keep more of the money than I make or whatever. I believed in decent places. Like, you know, I don't look broke. So he's like, you need to watch out for people who are trying to take stuff from you, from men who are trying to come up off of you. So he drilled that into my head. I mean, I guess maybe if these men,
00:13:31
Speaker
have been having similar conversations with their parents, maybe that's why they crazy. But to me, I think it's very presumptuous and disrespectful damn near for you to come up at me like assuming that I'm trying to take something from you when not only am I not, but I have my own and you could easily be trying to take from me.
00:13:53
Speaker
how could you like you just know you make more than me you just know I'm trying to get a free meal off you like I can't prepare my own damn meal that shit bothers me man like I'm telling you this shit who there's a whole bunch of stuff that keeps me single and this is one of them stuffs because I'm like well what you're not about to do is give me energy like you just know I'm trying to take your shit
00:14:19
Speaker
And y'all, look, my friends know I have acted out, okay? I have acted out on niggas who want to do a lot about some money shit. I remember I was at, where was I at? Oh, at Harlem Tavern. A lot of New York stories, because I guess New York niggas are real weird about money.
00:14:39
Speaker
I was at Harlan Tavern and I was just like me and my friend were sitting at like this communal table so another guy and his friend came and sat across from us and we were just chatting and he was like would you like you know anything do you want to drink and I was like well actually I was thinking about getting this little appetizer something cheap like ten dollars and he was like oh I'll get it for you I'm like okay thank you so then we are
The $10 Appetizer Altercation
00:15:04
Speaker
You know, I get the app, we're eating, we're continuing to talk, and he says that he works at the symphony orchestra.
00:15:14
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, that's what's up. What do you do there? He's like, Oh, I'm like an executive assistant. I was like, cool, cool. And then we just sort of moved on in the conversation. He literally like stuff like as we were into the next topic, literally comes back and was like, did you hear me earlier say that I work at the symphony orchestra? And I was like, I did. And he's like, and I mean, you really didn't have anything to say about that. I was like,
00:15:39
Speaker
Oh, what was I supposed to say? Like, I don't, I don't know what else to say. And he was like, I mean, I'm a black man out here. And like, I have a good job at the symphony orchestra. I said as well, you should. So I'm not, I'm not gonna be like overly excited about that.
00:15:56
Speaker
And he was like, well, I mean, you really don't have anything to say about my job, but you know, you was fine to take this appetizer that I just paid for. Y'all, when I tell you that switch flipped in my head, I stood up. My friend, she saw it happening too. She was like, oh shit. I stood up out my chair. I said, oh, so you feel like I owe you a compliment because you bought me some $10 quesadillas?
00:16:23
Speaker
Let me dig around my purse. Here's a $10 bill and I fucking flung that shit at him. Oh my gosh, like some dramatic movie shit. I don't even care. Because I'm like, what you're not about to do. I mean, do you hear that? He fucking thinks that I owe him like more compliments or more praise for his basic ass job.
00:16:44
Speaker
because he bought me some quesadillas that were $10 that I could have bought myself if you had not came and sat down across from me. I was oh my gosh y'all when I tell you I flung that cash at him and it fell on the floor and I said you could pick it up and he did okay so there's that
00:17:07
Speaker
Whoo, honey, look, you're not gonna come at me with that energy. What is not going to happen in the year of our Lord 2019 is coming at me with energy that assumes that I'm a broke bitch and I need you to have a meal.
Challenges of Modern Dating
00:17:27
Speaker
That's insane to me.
00:17:29
Speaker
And I really, I don't know what we do about this. I mean, I don't know. I actually, because of how often I've had experience like that and just reading things on Twitter and just chatting with other people, I'm like, this seems like it's actually a thing. I feel like this is interrupting. I mean, there's already enough issues with dating in 2019. And this is just adding another layer of bullshit that we don't even need.
00:17:59
Speaker
And then I feel like a lot of times the dudes are saying that because they're ashamed to say, I'm on the budget.
Understanding Budget-Conscious Dating
00:18:05
Speaker
I can't overspend. And I'm like, you would be much better off with me just saying like, I can't overspend tonight.
00:18:16
Speaker
So if this is what you want to do, can we split it or can we do something else? I would respect the shit out of that. Oh, you got a budget? Hey, teach me shit. I'm happy to respect the boundaries of another person spending. I mean, obviously that's your plan for your life. And if you don't want to overspend, I can't, I can't stop you.
00:18:40
Speaker
So just say that. I feel like dudes be going hard on this. I don't want no women to take from me because some of the dudes who be saying that I'm like, you can't possibly like, I'm sorry. You can't possibly think that you are the one that's going to be really having women just who I'll do anything to get you. I mean, you got to know yourself.
00:19:02
Speaker
We have to have self-awareness in our life, and you gotta be aware enough to know that you really not, if there is a gold-digging woman, she ain't gonna be digging after you, you know? Like, be real with yourself. And so, if that's the case, and you have to be realistic enough to know that you're really not
00:19:20
Speaker
all of the things that you may be saying that you think you are, then I feel like the real reason is that you trying to protect your budget. Just say that. You would rather be offensive to a woman and say, I got to make sure you're not a gold digger than just saying, I have a budget.
00:19:40
Speaker
Like, nigga, that's not a shameful thing. That's a good thing. I'm like, oh, I'm very glad you do. I'm glad you're not out here spending willy-nilly if you don't have the money to spend. So that's not going to be a bad look for you. That's going to be a good look for you. And if there is a woman who did think that having a budget is a bad look, that's probably not the one you want to be with. That's going to help you find out more quickly whether or not somebody's a gold digger.
00:20:08
Speaker
Y'all got the game super duper duper fucked up if you think that you're gonna find a gold digger by saying, I gotta make sure you ain't a gold digger. What you're gonna do is drive away a woman like me who not only has my own, I have more than enough to take care of probably both of us, and now I'm to the left to the left. Because you just really have me very fucked up if you would even say that out your mouth.
00:20:35
Speaker
But the idea that you would just make that assumption about women, you're going into it just assuming that these bitches dig for gold. When as a matter of fact, we have the more degrees. Now obviously look, there's a lot of pay discrepancies because of structural racism that exists in our society. But at the end of the day, we have more degrees. We tend to have more success in the corporate world.
00:21:02
Speaker
We tend to be the ones who are better at managing the household bills and budget. So I don't even know like, what? I don't even know the basis of that except for one or two stories that you might've heard from your homeboy. It's not even a real concern. Like what are you doing? Y'all see, y'all see you got me hyped up now 20 minutes in, I'm hyped up. Let me calm down.
00:21:26
Speaker
Let me take a breath, honey. But that's just, that's really, and the thing is normally by the end of my podcast, I like have a solution to propose or like, here's what I think is the way forward. But I actually really don't know.
00:21:44
Speaker
I the only thing i can think of is just when you start the situation to have an honest conversation about money.
Concluding Thoughts on Assumptions
00:21:51
Speaker
And about i don't know but that's also a weird thing to talk about when you don't know someone very well or you men just need to do a better job and become more skillful at.
00:22:01
Speaker
maintaining your budget, not overspending, but not also accusing the woman of being a potential gold digger. Don't say that to her. The amount of men who have said that to me and have not had an issue just putting it out there, I think is pretty galling. That is offensive. Do not say that, men. Stop it.
00:22:25
Speaker
But again, I don't have the answer, Sway. I'm very unsure of what exactly could be done to make that a smoother conversation. But something has to happen because I'm not going to go out of my way to prove to some man that I'm not there for his money. I'm not going to go outside of who I am and my normal way of functioning just to be like,
00:22:55
Speaker
I don't want him to think I'm a gold digger. If we keep hanging out in the buy and buy, he'll just have to motherfucking see. But I'm not gonna come in, oh my God, what can I do to make sure you know I'm not trying to take your money? Nigga, what can you do? Because I don't want to whip my dick out, but I probably have more than you. I'm not trying to be ugly, I'm just saying.
00:23:21
Speaker
That's why I don't even, I'm like, I don't even know the way forward on that one because I don't want to be flinging money at folks in Harlem bars. Like I don't want to be, I don't want that to be my life. I don't want that to be my story. No.
00:23:39
Speaker
Anyway, so that was my little two cents, maybe a couple more than two cents for today, episode eight of Mindful Musings. Thank you for listening. If you have any thoughts, if you have any responses, if you think I'm full of shit, or if you agree with everything I said, which, hey, thanks, reach out to me, hit me up. I am on social media, Britney underscore Geneva on all the tings.
00:24:07
Speaker
And yeah, I'd love to have a conversation. I also have my blog, mindfelicially.com. You can comment on there if you'd like. If you know me, send me a text. We'll chat. You know, look, any type of way that you wanna communicate, we could do it. But thank you so much for listening. Please subscribe to the podcast too. I mean like, episode eight, this is consistency. I'm pretty proud of my damn self. So subscribe because,
00:24:34
Speaker
Y'all want to miss the notifications for the next episodes. Okay. Thanks so much for listening. Bye.