Transcript
Speaker: We want to look at like what's what's really the reality here. As much as I love to be positive, my company is called Positively Healthy Coaching. I'm the Positively Healthy Mom. Kids don't want to be fed positive stuff when that might not be true, right? Maybe they really are struggling and they don't want any kind of toxic positivity.
Speaker: So that's where we go with, well, what's the reality here? What's really true? Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom Podcast, where positive parenting meets wellbeing. I'm your host, Laura Ollinger, teen life coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching.
Speaker: Today, it's just me again, and I'm super excited because this is really important to talk about. Your teen adjusting to life in college, they're away from home for the first time, besides you know maybe summer camp or visiting a relative,
Speaker: And this is an adjustment period. It's certainly taking some time, I know, for so many kids I know. in fact, this is one of the most pivotal moments that I do coach teens on their fall of their freshman year of college because, again, there is so much change and there's so much to adapt to. And so today I'm offering support to you all, as usual, to the moms, because you guys are on the front lines. You're the ones getting the phone calls and getting the texts. And that's not to say, by the way, that that everyone struggles. In fact, you know that's kind of what I want to talk about today is the curated images that a lot of us see on social media. i know
Speaker: you know as I've been scrolling through, I've been seeing so many happy kiddos at college, and especially the ones who just rushed. They went Greek, and they're running. um They're joyful. They're celebrating. They have this whole new group of friends. And that is what I know as a mom I'm seeing.
Speaker: i know that what the teens are seeing on their phones are also just kind of the new people that they're meeting, how they are integrating into life. And again, keep in mind, social media is curated. Nobody posts their worst day.
Speaker: Nobody posts when they are feeling lonely or sad or isolated or wondering if they made a mistake Maybe somebody does out there. I've never seen that in my life, but I suppose it's possible. um And so that's kind of what I want to like put out there today is, you know, as a mom, we're so much wanting our kids to integrate quickly, to make friends quickly, to adjust quickly. And just unfortunately, that's not the case. I mean, these things take time. And so as far as a tip today is
Speaker: Allowing them to be uncomfortable. And as moms, that is probably one of the hardest things that we can possibly do. We don't want to jump in there and fix it for them. i mean, the very best thing we can do is support their autonomy. So we want to support their autonomy. And we also don't want to have any level of control. So we don't want to be telling them what to do. We want them to learn the tools, learn the skills, and build these little baby confidence steps on how to, again, integrate and feel connected. Because at the end of the day, my opinion here...
Speaker: What's the point of going to college to learn if you're not feeling connected? Like, the number one thing that these kids need is to feel connected and to feel accepted, right? And it's not to say that they need a thousand friends or that they need to be in Greek life for that to happen. I mean, so many, in fact, probably the majority of college kids are not. Right. Many are just happy with one or two friends, right? Like kind of that's all we really need. But at the same time, we want to set them up for success, knowing that friends change over time. Or um say they make a best friend, but then that best friend gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, right? We don't want to suddenly be back at square one. So I'm kind of of the opinion that we want to have a little bit more is better in this scenario where we have kind of an insurance policy in case one friend doesn't work out, right? There's still others kind of weeding in the wings and we're not starting.
Speaker: from scratch, you know, mid-semester or in the spring, in January, um spring semester, we want to just kind of like be slowly building up our arsenal of tools and of connections. And so how do we support them, right?
Speaker: It's kind of what I always say if you listen to a lot of my episodes, it's really about validating and not trying to change it and not trying to fix it. So it might sound something like, you know, I'm really hearing that you're lonely right now. But That makes sense. You know, you're seeing all these people um seemingly, you know, again, it's all image a lot of times, seemingly make friends quite easily. And in reality, it might not be that easy for for those people that they're watching, but still they have this perception.
Speaker: And so let's remind them that everybody has their own path. Everybody has their own journey. And then I want to encourage them to stay in their lane, right? It is not a race. um They might make a very best friend for the rest of their lives, but they might not meet this friend until October or until January or even next year, right? And so again, let's kind of like focus on just not comparing and staying in their lane And then next is we don't want to do the work for them. I know it is so tempting to send them a list of the clubs or a list of activities or kind of get involved in their daily schedule and kind of micromanaging from afar.
Speaker: But that's really going to do more harm than good. First of all, they're probably not going to listen to you. We all know. But second of all, it's actually sending a message inadvertently that you don't believe that they're capable.
Speaker: The number one message that we want to send is that we believe they are capable. um They will feed off of that belief. They will feed off of, you know, just kind of that energy that we're putting out there, that kind of positive energy. And it will help prevent them and buffer them from,
Speaker: just those doubts that they're having in their minds. Like, because they are already having enough doubt in their mind, the last thing they need is for your doubt to pile on top. That just makes it worse, because then there's proof right there, kind of case closed. I'm not capable, i can't do it, all those things.
Speaker: And so what would it look like, right, to not tell them what to do, but to be encouraging, supportive, and show that belief? You know, it might be um that we do have to take a baby step with them, right? Like, it might be that I would say something if I were a mom who was struggling or had a teen who was struggling to integrate, right?
Speaker: you know Hey, I'm here for you. um Why don't you, do you want to pull up the list of activities right now? And I'll just wait on the phone. And you can just kind of tell me if we're FaceTiming or whatever, you know ah tell me which ones look interesting to you. Which ones would you be willing to try? We don't want to do this work for them. We need to have them make these hard steps. um And sometimes they are baby steps, right? It's literally like, okay, what looks interesting? What's What fits in your schedule? Can you realistically you know get there? Is it a time that that works for your schedule?
Speaker: And what would it look like even when you walk into that room? That's what I've coached a lot of clients through. Literally just stepping into a door of a club sometimes can be a challenge if it's people they've never met before and they're going alone. This can be scary. Even um my daughter, who you know I've talked about her quite a bit. She's quite confident. She's great at you know kind of taking some healthy risks.
Speaker: She was in a position last night where she wasn't eating in the dorm. and She was kind of in between activities and um she had some downtime. it was dinner time. and I said well, what are you going to do with your time? And she said, well, um I'll probably go get something to eat.
Speaker: But eating a alone is scary. I know she's already eaten alone in her dining hall. She's mentioned that. But eating alone in like a restaurant, right? That felt really scary to her. And so here's the thing, I didn't try to argue with her. I didn't try to fix it. I literally just, actually gave it a thumbs up, right? I was agreeing, like, yes, I'm validating her feelings. Like, yeah, it can be scary um to go into a restaurant when your peers could come in at any moment and see you sitting there eating alone. But sometimes you're just kind of sitting there alone with your thoughts. And so that doesn't mean that they can't do it. um And by the way, she did i have a friend end up meeting her. So it kind of, you know, worked itself out. But at the same time, I would have loved for her to face that challenge and face that fear and kind of just do it. I feel like it's something that every person needs to do at some point in their lives. And what better time when, you know, they're kind of already doing a lot of hard things. It's like, why not add on?
Speaker: And so the next part we want to do is look at the meaning that they're giving this. Again, I've talked to lots of friends, and it's not just um kids who really deeply struggle. These are kids who have been involved in high school. They have had friends. They've been very successful in their life thus far. And so these are like really capable kids, but they are sometimes struggling. I think there's been a lot of ups and downs for all the kiddos that I've been kind of tracking. Some moments are great and everything's fine and and it's really successful. In other moments, they're doubting themselves. They're feeling homesick. They're just trying to figure out what this new life is all about. And so we want to look at what the meaning that they're giving it is, right? We want to kind of check them.
Speaker: I'm always looking for black and white language when a person is talking in extremes using words like always, never, everybody, nobody, you know, things like that. And so we really want to even question them. Like, really? Like, nobody um will sit by you or um everybody is mean or everybody has friends, right? Like, it's like, everybody? Really? ah Is that true?
Speaker: And I have had, you know, I'll admit I've had had some clients who, who really will play the game with me. And they're like, yeah, everybody, like literally everybody, but we know that's not true. And so sometimes we just need to kind of help them separate what feels true from maybe what actually is true. So sometimes when I'm coaching a client, I'm We'll go through different scenarios. And I say, well, what is the worst case scenario here? What is the worst thing that can happen? And nine times out of 10 is actually not that bad.
Speaker: Just kind of feels bad until they start to speak it. And then I'll say, well, what's the best case scenario? Right. And then I'll go to what is the most likely scenario? um That is the most realistic thing that could happen. And it doesn't mean the best or worst couldn't still happen. But, you know, as a statistics nerd that I i am sometimes, we want to look at like what's really the reality here. i As much as I love to be positive, my company is called Positively Healthy Coaching. I'm the Positively Healthy Mom.
Speaker: Kids don't want to be fed positive stuff when that might not be true, right? Maybe they really are struggling and they don't want any kind of toxic positivity. So that's where we go with, well, what's the reality here? What's really true?
Speaker: And so as far as the meaning they're giving it, you know, we we want to listen for that language, but it might be that they think that they don't belong, right? um Because they're struggling, it's been a couple of weeks, they might give it a meaning of I don't belong, i and this college choice was a failure, um i really struggle socially, right? And they're giving it all these negative meanings.
Speaker: And when in reality, like I said, this is very, very normal for kids to have these challenges. What you're seeing on social media is not the norm, right? You're just getting these highlights.
Speaker: But if we really want to look at the meaning, um maybe a more empowering meaning. Could be I'm learning to do hard things right now. I'm learning how to adjust to a new culture and a new environment. I'm learning how to be an independent adult living on my own where i have to take care of myself and I don't have anyone there to kind of monitor me or or watch over me. And so we really kind of want to again, not push it to a positive meaning, but even neutral is better than negative, that the meaning that we're giving that is that this is a time of change and it's a time of growth and it's a time of learning and it's a time of opportunity. When else in your life have you had this chance? Like, how cool is this? This is so exciting.
Speaker: And the last thing is, just again, i want to talk about the belief because that's so important, right? um That's what part of my job is what I do as a coach, but I find that it's been helpful to me in my own life. There's been times when I was doubtful of myself.
Speaker: Even depending on ah how long you've been following me, you know that I'm a public speaker. I give presentations. I give these big talks to large audiences. I did not always enjoy doing that.
Speaker: ah ah Believe it or not, that was not my thing, even though I've been kind of doing it a little bit since high school here and there with different, if you've heard my stories, in situations I've been forced to speak and conversations.
Speaker: What was so helpful to me was when I had a mentor, and this was as an adult, I had a mentor who believed in me. and He but became my speaking coach, and he saw something. He saw my passion. He saw my ability to connect with people really one-on-one and in groups. And he believed that I could kind of share that same level of passion and energy for the people that I want to help and serve on a bigger stage. And when I heard him say that, like, oh my gosh, you'd be an amazing speaker. At first, of course, I was like, no, no, that, you know, I can never do that. I hate doing that. I don't want to do that.
Speaker: But he's like, I really believe that you can do this. And so again, kind of sharing this story, I want to illustrate the fact that sometimes having someone else's belief can be so powerful and that can serve as a bridge to be able to take those baby steps. And so because of his belief, yes, I did step onto my first stage. I don't remember when that was, several many years ago. And I got up there and um it wasn't that I wasn't nervous, but he was there in the audience watching for me, cheering me on. And it just felt powerful.
Speaker: pivotal for me to have somebody there in the audience that I knew he believed I couldn't fail. I think that was kind of what it is. And I almost felt like it was a um safety net that no matter what happened, it would be okay. And I would get up there. and And even if I wasn't amazing, I would still do great, or I'd still do fine. I'd still do okay. And that is exactly what happened. So Again, I just want to encourage you to not fall in the trap of, of course, we're going to feel our our child's feelings if they're sad or lonely or they're begging to come home, and that it is painful as a mom. I'm not going to say that it's not, but we really need to get on board with believing that this is all
Speaker: And again, I'm not saying there are not exceptions, right? There might be times when it really is some type of a terrible fit for whatever reason. So I'm not going to say there's not going to be these outliers of kids who maybe really do need um some help or support and besides just mom on the phone or dad on the phone.
Speaker: And but by the way, and that is what I'm here for. If you are if you do have one of those, and I'm here to help. But that's not the point. The point for me is to empower you as moms and and dads on how to support your child's transition throughout the semester, throughout the fall, and even into the spring. And we just need to believe that they're capable and that they can do it. And when we start to believe in them and show that, they're going to finally, eventually start to believe in themselves. And that can make a huge world of difference.
Speaker: With that being said, there are exceptions to everything. I'm here to support. This is an amazing time. It's super exciting, whether you have a college freshman, um you have older kids, or you have younger kids. This is just something to kind of start thinking about. And it's been really cool to see my daughter, especially, who is crazy independent. She went to sleepaway camp when she was in first grade.
Speaker: and came home and she was fine. She had the time of her life. All her friends were homesick and couldn't wait to see their parents. um She's always been my one ready to ready to go off. And so it's been really interesting to see how she's adjusted because um there have been some bumps. There have been some times where It's not that she doubted her decision, but she's just, you know, was wishing and hoping that it would go so easily. But again, that's not the reality, right? I can't imagine, you know, any person just like moving to a totally different place and having things go 100% smoothly. I just don't think that's really reality, except for maybe some rare cases.
Speaker: With that being said, stay tuned for future episodes. Thank you for listening, and I will see you next time. When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash tphmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.
