Transcript

Speaker: So the thing about the candy wrappers and oh my gosh, so this is like, I think the universal experience for parents right now, like how infuriating it is to find the candy wrappers under the bed and the pockets and, you know, the backpack and under the couch, all the things and all the things that come up when you find the candy wrappers, including all the questions. Do I say something? Do I not? What do I do with this? I don't want to make it a thing.

Speaker: Hello and welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, where positive parenting meets wellbeing. I'm your host, Laura Olinger, teen and young adult wellbeing coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. And today my guest is Dr. Wendy Schofer.

Speaker: She's a dual board certified pediatrician, lifestyle physician, and trauma-informed parenting coach. She founded Family in Focus, and her mission is to help millions of families build the social-emotional skills that strengthen their relationships with food, their bodies, and each other.

Speaker: So today we're talking about how families can change eating habits without restriction or shame. So, Dr. Wendy, welcome to the show. Thank you so much. It is such a pleasure to be here with you. And just, I love just sharing time more than anything as we talk about connection. Like, what does that mean? Like just being here together? Right. Just being in each other's presence and sharing thoughts and ideas and time together. So let's just start off about how did you get into this work as far as going from a pediatrician to focusing on the family's relationship with food?

Speaker: Honestly, I recognized that I was doing it wrong. I was it was not doing it right. And it took me a hot minute to figure that out. But, you know, as a pediatrician in practice, I really specialized in seeing families over you know a long period of time. So over the seasons with growth and behavior and mental health, and there were and more and more questions about nutrition and where kids were on the growth charts.

Speaker: And I pulled out all of my best evidence-based care and created plans for families. I'm like, all right, I got you. You know, this is how we focus on you know the portions and looking at calories and how much activity your child should be having. And this is what vigorous activity means for your child at this age.

Speaker: Come back in three to six months. Let me know how things are going because nothing happens overnight. And thankfully, had built the relationship with the family that they actually came back. Like, I'm so grateful for that. They came back and they were like, you know, um I'm failing this plan. We're failing this plan. I'm failing my child. They're continuing to grow. I'm putting so much effort into creating healthy meals that they are refusing. yeah tucking it my My dog is very well fed, but my dog refuses to eat what it is that I'm serving. um I hate to work out, and now I'm fighting with my kid to get off the couch to go work out. And I am finding candy wrappers underneath the bed.

Speaker: Infuriating things. And I'm just failing. And I heard that so loud and clear. And what really struck me is that I was experiencing the exact same thing in my home.

Speaker: I was like, you know what? These plans, these plans that, you know, we're like, this evidence-based. This is what we're supposed to do. Mm-hmm. It's not working for my families. It's not working for my own family. It's not working for the kids, the parents. in you know And we're creating more friction and, well, it we're disrupting relationships in our own homes. And that's where I just said something has to be different. Something has got to change differently. I keep on trying to fix everything. And then that's where it really occurred to me that I was like, I'm never focusing on what's actually going well. oh What is it that we actually want in our families?

Speaker: What is it that we're like, this is awesome. And I was like, ha tada these families came back to me. I built relationships, even though they're like, this isn't working. They're coming back. There's something in the relationship. And that's really where it kind of opened up from there, where I started applying that in different ways with relationship with our food, relationship with our body, and most importantly, with each other within our families.

Speaker: I like that idea, just the word relationship, because it um kind of represents that we're allies with these things that you mentioned. And instead of being like against, we're kind of with. So what are your thoughts about that?

Speaker: oh my Gosh, I mean, I use the word ally all the time because, I mean, ultimately, it's really hard to be a kid right now. Growing up in this day and age, everybody's telling kids how they need to change, how they need to be different, whether it's appearance or behaviors.

Speaker: And so our kids are really hungry, and I'm going to use so many food.

Speaker: laantandros But our kids are hungry to be seen as they are, be as kids who are doing ah best that they can right now, but also to feel like they belong, to feel like, you know, there's someone that's on their team with them and that they're not navigating all of this alone.

Speaker: And quite honestly, we need that as parents, too. We really need that as parents, because there are so many different ways that we kind of feel like we're struggling alone right now. And so allying, being a team member within your own home, and also, you know, as parents, how we can really create the depth of the team, the village that we need to be able to support us as we're supporting our kids.

Speaker: it I see that in many different levels. Mm, yes. So let's get into that a little bit. So how is it like when a mom, I mean, I'm sure you see this all the time and and I do as well, that moms are stressed because they're trying, they have such a big, heavy load that they're caring for the family. And um how does their energy impact the family as far as ah food and how they're presenting it, how they're serving it, how they're preparing it, kind of just like all aspects of it.

Speaker: Well, let's be honest. When we are stressed, when we are burnt out, stone cold exhausted, we've got nothing left in the tank by the time that it gets to dinner.

Speaker: And so it is so very common that I hear from parents that are like, you know what, my kid eats the same thing all the time. My kid just goes and, you know, makes tostinos. Like, it's just something that we know, quick, easy button.

Speaker: I don't like that. I don't want that. But I've got no energy to be able to put into creating the food, you know, the the menus and the planning and everything, or dealing with their irritation, frustration, disappointment when I'm offering something else. Yeah.

Speaker: And so it's kind of like both sides of it. Like we don't have the energy to like put into creating what it is that we want or to quite honestly deal with the meltdowns. yeah And so the number one thing, the number one thing, like yeah and the big shift that I've made is from focusing on the child, their their growth, their food, to really switching right over here to what is it that the parent needs first?

Speaker: first And let me get it very, very straight, okay? This isn't something where I'm saying, well, the problem isn't the child, it's actually the parent. No, no, that's not what I'm saying here.

Speaker: It's really about how can we support parents? Because parents who feel like they are failing... we're failing those parents. And so how can I, this is the question I keep on asking myself, what is it that I can do to support parents to be able to help them decrease their own stress, increase the the depth, again, of their connections and their supports, also offer them different coping strategies? Because there's a lot of stuff kind of going sideways right now. There's a lot of things we're trying to cope with.

Speaker: Yeah. And coping often looks like, well, our favorite food. a It often looks like scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.

Speaker: And then giving ourselves grief that we didn't create the changes that we were really hoping that we would make. oh Speaking of food metaphors, I have the perfect one for this situation. Oh, bring it on. i love food metaphors. I'm in ah most of the way through and a new book. Well, don't know if it's new i I'm not sure how long, but it's new for me called The Social Biome.

Speaker: And it talks about our relationship with food is equivalent to our relationship with health. And so we want to have good quality, nutrient-dense relationships. and There's also space for more casual things like saying hi to you, the person at the grocery store, or ah just a brief wave or at write smaller things. And we want to kind of limit and This is kind of the junk food portion, the scrolling, right? Because that's low quality, low return. But yet so many people, most all of us feel drawn to that because it's quick and easy and and we think it's a coping strategy when in reality it's actually...

Speaker: really kind of causing more drain. And so it's like, how do we focus on those more healthy or high quality, you know, if we were going to go proteins and and carbs and things like that, right? Like, how do we get it into that? And it's really those relationships. So what I'm hearing you say is like, how can we support moms so that they're not resorting to having to go to that scrolling kind of coping method? What do you think?

Speaker: Yes. And how does it make sense that our kids are doing the same? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know, like so often we're kind of like frustrated about how often our kids are on social media or, you know, gaming or whatever their electronic kind of, you know, diversion of choice is. Yeah. Yet at the heart of it, it's still, it's a coping mechanism. It's a distraction from other things. an escape. Yeah. but Something kind of filling their time and it feels really good in the moment.

Speaker: Mm-hmm. Right. It feels really good in the moment. And so I feel like once I saw that there was so much more beyond, you know, this argument and, you know, fighting over what's on the plate, like, oh, what is it that we really need to nourish ourselves? And not just from the macros, but nourishing as in, oh my goodness, like sleep. sweet Oh, sleep comes first. I mean, if we're not getting good sleep, everything goes sideways. Yep. So sleep and social connections.

Speaker: And yes, food, drink, that's all a part of it. But there's so many like ah broader definitions of how we nourish ourselves.

Speaker: And we've really been overlooking that, especially in this society that has such a focus on do more with less, do it faster, shove everything into the bus. So like think about the go, go, go and the convenience and the whole like I'll sleep when I'm dead type of thing. Like, you know, just sleep has become optional in our priorities. We're actually...

Speaker: It's such a tremendous fuel for everything that our body needs as far as, you know, behaviors and academic potential and focus and, yes, metabolic health and relational health. And so it's all related. And again, it's so much more than what's on our plate.

Speaker: Right, right. I love that you're saying that sleep is one of, I call it my um little side hobby as far as learning about it and and and kind of really understanding it but and promoting it, right? Because it's like, yeah, that's the thing that gets overlooked the most. What I love that you're describing so much is, you know, people are looking always for this like quick fix, quick solution.

Speaker: And your thoughts are really just like, That's not how it works. Like everything we're in this bi-directional relationship with, I call it kind of the modifiable lifestyle factors like diet, sleep, exercise, stress management, relationship management, all these things. And and just kind of understanding that this is like, ah ah it's a work in progress and it's a flow. And how do we connect to that? And at the same time as moms not control, right? Because that's the one thing with we know with teenagers and young adults, the more we try to control What they do, what they eat, how much they sleep, how much time they're spending on their social media, the more resistance we will get. So what is your thoughts and ideas about how to support that without controlling?

Speaker: Okay, so let's just call it out. That is completely normal, okay? Resistance st yeah is normal. I feel like I'm going to wear all of my, like, women's empowerment and be the resistance. and yeah yeah But that's also teenagers. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Oh, let's be honest. It starts off with the four-year-old who's like, you're not the boss of me. well yeah It really starts off. But I also recognize that you know if you tell me what to do, I'm going to tell you where to go. Well, go figure. My kids are exactly like that too. And so when I'm like battling with them, like, oh, they won't do what I say. hold on a minute. That's actually um really awesome. They're just like me. and It's normal.

Speaker: It's normal. So how can I start approaching this where it's not about telling them what to do, but to first understand why it is that they're doing what they're doing? Why does it make sense?

Speaker: Why is that the best possible decision or solution or whatever it is in the moment? How does it make sense? And that's the part that we're always skipping because we, i mean, we're like so stressed out right now that we're like spot a problem. We got to fix it. We got to change this right now. Yeah.

Speaker: And what happens is when we look at behaviors and we identify them as problems, we're trying to go in and like eradicate them and just stop it. That's where we meet resistance. We're not understanding how that behavior is actually making stone cold the most sense for our kid right now. Doesn't mean you have to agree with it. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: But understanding why it makes sense. So I come back to the scrolling. And I'm always going to start this. Like every example always starts with ourselves. like You know, behaviors that that we have and how it makes sense. So I'm going to be, oh right, here it is. Okay.

Speaker: Our phones are never far away. Mm-hmm. far away. And when I find myself scrolling, at times I'm like, you know what? I said I was going to stay off of Facebook. Yeah.

Speaker: I'm of a certain age. Yes, it's Facebook. Okay. So why am I scrolling on Facebook? And like different things that go through my mind that I catch because I've taken the moment to ask myself, how does it make sense? When I say, I'm just gonna, okay. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: Those words never lead to me just going onto Facebook for a few moments to quick check something, to quick post something. I'm just gonna is my entry point to just, and I'm going to just do this. I'm going to do that and do that.

Speaker: So I notice that while I tell myself it's going to be a quick thing, it gets a lot longer. And then there's cat videos. Now you've already seen my cat at some point. I have, yes. yeah Yes. Cats are so entertaining. They are, yes. They really are. videos. I love cat videos. They feel a lot better than my deadlines.

Speaker: Right. They feel so much better than having to go and actually put novel thoughts together and and be so together. And so I think about that with my kids and went when my kids are coming up against their deadlines and they're writing papers right now. Mm-hmm.

Speaker: And they're like, oh, and I can't believe that I'm, you know, going back and I'm scrolling on whatever their thing is. So not Facebook, but scrolling in their particular social media of choice. Well, how does it make sense?

Speaker: feels a lot better than having to focus. right It feels a lot better to get that quick hit of dopamine. So slowing it down and understanding first goes a long way for compassion, but also to be able to see that we're not broken.

Speaker: We're not doing this on purpose. We're not trying to sabotage ourselves. Our kids are not trying to sabotage themselves or our plans for their health.

Speaker: and And yet, they're trying to cope. There's a lot of pressure. you know the We all kind of have like buddy emotions, like you know those companions that kind of hang out with you a whole lot.

Speaker: And in our household, anxiety and overwhelm. Yeah. Yeah. And so recognizing that when they come in, you know what? Those cat videos feel a lot better than overwhelm and anxiety.

Speaker: Totally. And they take less mental energy, right? Like the cognitive load of doing a homework assignment is much higher and and and burns more calories in the brain and with a tired brain, right? It's like so much easier to just go with the path of least resistance and do the easy thing.

Speaker: And we all struggle with this. So I'm so glad you're just normalizing um instead of, again, making it like there's something wrong with us or something wrong with our kids. It's kind of in ah in a biological sense, the way our we are designed Hey, it's Laura.

Speaker: Let me take a quick minute to talk to the moms wondering, is my teen or young adult just going through a phase? Because sometimes what looks like pulling away, people pleasing or caring way too much about what everyone else thinks is really about something deeper.

Speaker: It can sound like, am I enough? Do I matter? Do I belong? And sure, some of it may pass, but your teen or young adult is figuring out who they are right now, and those questions can shape the choices that they make.

Speaker: That's where I come in. I help teens and young adults build the mindset and skillset for confidence, connection, and direction. If you're wondering what your child might need right now, let's talk about it. Book a free 30-minute discovery call at PositivelyHealthyCoaching.com. We'll talk about what you're seeing, what's underneath, and what might help.

Speaker: Okay, back to the show. and And so the question then becomes like, well, then how do we work with this? Knowing that this is our human tendency, um instead of like doing that resistance thing, how do we work with this and encourage ourselves and our kids to make good choices that benefit them?

Speaker: Yeah. It all starts with slowing down. Like you said before, it's not about that quick fix. The quick fix is, you know, thinking that by saying there's a problem, now go change it and thinking that it's all going to be different.

Speaker: Or, you know, like bricking all the phones that that's just going to be like, that's it. No more than option. But what we're actually looking for then is another diversion. We're looking for something else because we still haven't dealt with that overwhelm, the anxiety, you know, that avoidance, whatever it is in the moment.

Speaker: And so a lot of times I'll be, you know, talking with families. They're like, well, you know, my child isn't using electronics right now, but now they're turning to food. Or maybe it's not the food, but you know we're concerned about other diversions. And so like really understanding, it like slowing down, it's not about fixing, it's first about understanding what's happening.

Speaker: And then it always comes back to us as parents. It drives me crazy when we keep on like railing on kids and social media. i know. And yet,

Speaker: and yet we have to be very honest that we are not immune from feeling better with electronic media in whatever type of form it is. And so really taking a moment, slowing down to look at the patterns of what's happening for yourself first. Why is it that you turn to, again, I'm going to come back to social media and Facebook because I'm just going to say guilty. Absolutely. yeah And yet, slowing down and seeing that in myself is something that opens up so much more to understanding why my kids are doing what they're doing.

Speaker: And so that is, you know, really that step to be able to first understand that patterns of what you see for yourself the patterns for your child, so patterns of what they do, but also start guessing, like, what are those emotions that they're experiencing? yeah And then as you talk about being on the same team,

Speaker: being an ally with your child. When you recognize the patterns, when you see it not as a problem, but something that it's like, oh, I can understand this. I can share compassion. You are on the same team now.

Speaker: and You are on the same team. And the more that we can signal that to our kids, now it's not always gonna come out of our mouths like, I'm on your team, hon.

Speaker: Right. Perhaps it does. Yeah. Perhaps it is. i get That may be your language. And that's something actually I use with my kids a lot as far as because I have four. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but we've had very little sibling rivalry over the years. We've had some because the message I've always given is we are on the same team. You guys are on the same team. We are a family. We're in this together. There is no need to Right. and And that's just something I've instilled. And not always, we it wasn't always that way, but it's something I added because I i thought, yeah I don't really want this to to continue or fester. So it's like, we are all working together. We're a family. And so I love that idea of just like getting on their side of the fence and looking at this problem together and, you know, kind of tackling it together. And I know one thing I've heard a lot about is Kind of explaining to your kids, it's kind of like us versus the social media instead of us, me versus you about the social media. So if it's us versus social media and social medias, we don't want to have to say it's like necessarily the bad guy, right? But it's like, well, they are trying to get your attention. That is how their companies make money. They are they do have engineers that figure out how to do this, right? And so it's like us as a team. What do you think?

Speaker: Yes, there is. ah but So this is kind of like the tie in to where I really like to look at like health literacy, media literacy, like really understand as in our family is like spotting.

Speaker: what What do you see behind these apps, behind these games? Like, why is this so amazing? And so it's part of like being on the same team, like, let me but Let's understand this together.

Speaker: How is it that this is so amazing that all the kids are on it? And i I'm not just accepting, well, that's just the way it is, mom. No, no, no, no. You know, really understanding what goes into these apps and these games.

Speaker: We can also talk about all the money that's behind it, where there's a lot of, and, you know, we we talk a lot about finances and capitalism in our lives. But understanding how entire industries have been built around putting this in your hand.

Speaker: Okay. So let's understand a little bit more about that because it's not me versus you. It's about understanding how this is right here in front of you and it looks so very appealing because it's been designed that way. Right. Right.

Speaker: And when we can see that, whether we're talking about electronics, whether we're talking about food, everybody's like railing about, you know, processed food. Well, let's be honest. There is a lot of very smart people that are creating that food to taste like more.

Speaker: And so this isn't about conspiracy theories. It's about, you know what, it's just being designed that way. And it's really effective. And when we start understanding, okay, hold a minute, nature doesn't create foods like that. That's not the packaging that nature creates here. You know, nature creates broccoli. Yeah. Right. Broccoli does not have the same, ah whatever, you know, the same pow and bang. Yeah. That all these other foods do right now.

Speaker: figure. Yes. That you're not having hankering for broccoli. Yeah. So speaking of, you talked about the candy wrappers hidden under the bed. Oh, yeah. I would love to kind of like finish up in that section because we spent a lot of time talking about technology and it's just so interesting, these parallels. I had never really considered that so much before, this this parallel about what...

Speaker: Why is it that they they want this? And even if it doesn't make logical sense, right? Like we can all understand it almost better from that social media metaphor for food because we are all guilty of that too, right? Whereas moms, we're not, well, actually some of us might be having candy forever. Yeah. But I know I love my dark chocolate. I know I love my, um you know, little treat every night or whatever that might be, or even after lunch.

Speaker: And so what is that? Like when this happens and kids are either hiding it or maybe even not hiding it, what do we do? So I'm laughing over here because I'm like, you know how I like flashed my phone? Like, you know, it's right here. Yeah. I actually just threw away the candy.

Speaker: So so i am going to acknowledge that. So my son, um who is an adult here living at home, and he knows that if he can't find candy, come check mom's desk.

Speaker: Oh, there we go. Okay. You're the source. Come check mom's desk because there's a source, okay? We can find it over here. And so just, yes, of course.

Speaker: And, you know, kind of understanding more about our own relationships with food. So the thing about the candy wrappers and, oh my gosh, so this is like... I think the universal experience for parents right now, like how infuriating it is to find the candy wrappers under the bed and the pockets and you know the backpack, under the couch, all the things.

Speaker: And all the things that come up when you find the candy wrappers, including all the questions. Do I say something? Do I not? What do I do with this? I don't want to make it a thing. And so, so much so that i actually created a course that's specifically called No More Candy Wrappers. Yeah, I love it.

Speaker: Because it's really about really taking the first, I look at as three steps. and first really slowing down when you find those candy wrappers it is infuriating and you're like see a problem spot a problem gotta go fix it and so all of a sudden we are on high alert as parents we need to fix this we want to change it now because of all the concerns about what we've been through, about what we don't want to repeat with our kids, the metabolic concerns, all of that come up.

Speaker: her And so first, it really, like truly helping your child without harm and restriction and shame depends upon slowing it down for yourself, taking a breath, taking a couple more, to her creating that pause to just give a little bit of a distance between that moment of like, phew,

Speaker: Yeah. Sirens going off and being able to just create a bit of space to calm yourself down and to be able to switch into a different brain mode.

Speaker: So from the high alert to let me start getting curious. Yeah. Getting curious about what is actually going on here? Like what?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: taking some guess what is my kid feeling yeah you know why why could this possibly make complete sense that's actually a really powerful question like how does this make complete sense yeah that, you know what, there's candy wrappers over here.

Speaker: Even removing the word sneaking, removing the word stealing, removing any kind of like question about um the the labeling of it, but just finding candy wrappers.

Speaker: and And start thinking about how is it not that the candy wrappers or the candy is a problem, but how is it that it's totally been a fix? How has it been helpful?

Speaker: for your child. And so again, when I come back to my household of anxiety and overwhelm, candy at my desk,

Speaker: Oh, let's like shine that light right here. Candy is a fix for when i'm like, gosh, I just don't want to do this right now.

Speaker: I got more email to go through. Yeah, yeah. That milk chocolate, o it is a fix in the moment. And yet, if I had somebody in coming up after me,

Speaker: And being like, dude, she's got more candy wrappers on her desk again? Uh-huh. If we're not looking for how that makes sense, there's a lot of finger pointing trying to change it. And meanwhile, I'm down a coping strategy.

Speaker: a Mm-hmm. Yeah. And um obviously all the shame and judgment that might go go with it, if if that is somehow removed without a conversation or an explanation or the getting curious or how does this make sense? Oh, my child is feeling this. They're reaching for this. It's affixed to this. The one thing i always I'm not sure I understand ever fully is Sugar in itself is so kind of addictive. So is it that there is the, because the gut health, right, that this craving for sugar because this gut imbalance, is it the more physical, biological explanation that we crave this sugar? Or is it the psychological explanation that we crave sugar? Or does it not even matter? It's some combination of both.

Speaker: So I think I may have mentioned earlier about how I love improv. And it so I'm going to lean on it here. It's yes and. Right. So it's not that we can like isolate it out and say that this is the process that's going on. We are complex human beings. Yeah. We've got a whole lot of different factors and systems that are operating at the same time. And so as we're talking about sugar, I mean, we've got hormonal, like hormonal processes that are happening.

Speaker: Okay. And so when you eat sugar, what happens with your hormones and in the ups and downs? And we also have environmental factors. So thinking about when you go to the hardware store, when you go to the local arts and crafts store, walking down what I call the gauntlet, right?

Speaker: The aisle before you check out. It's like all the candy, all the things. It's like, hey, did you get this? You got to make sure you get your coat going and you get your hammer, you know, like all these things. it's like Wow. It's just a part of our environment. Mm hmm.

Speaker: And also, we are all emotional eaters. That is not a problem. It's just a part of who we are. mean, there are very few people that can be like, I only eat when I'm hungry. And I stop when I'm satisfied. And I don't eat because i want to celebrate or because I want to be in communion more because, honestly, eating feels better than feeling lonely, frustrated, exhausted, bored.

Speaker: And so there's a lot of different factors that are going on. And taking that pause, getting curious, looking at the patterns, getting truly curious about patterns, not trying to like spot the one to go and fix it because that and fix it energy, but really getting curious about it. You can open up so much understanding. doesn't necessarily mean having to go and get blood tests over and over yeah yeah There's a role for it, but but also there's a role of curiosity, just noticing what all is going on the same time.

Speaker: Yes. Wow. This has been so fascinating. I feel like we could just keep going forever, but like we will start to wrap up. So how can people find you, Dr. Wendy?

Speaker: Easy peasy. Wendy SchofferMD.com. Okay. That is my hub for family and focus and all of the programs from ah my newsletter, podcast, the No More Candy Wrappers Under the Bed program, as well as group and individual programs.

Speaker: Wow. This was so fascinating. i I very much enjoyed this conversation. So thank you so much for your time. Totally. My pleasure. Thank you so much for the invitation. Absolutely.

Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash tphmom to give my podcast a rating and review.

Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then keep up the good work.