Transcript
Speaker: Building relationships and building trust with people does take time, and you do want to be cautious and kind of take it slow, but without taking it too, too slow, right?
Speaker: Hello and welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, where positive parenting meets well-being. I'm your host, Laura Ollinger, teen and young adult life coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching.
Speaker: Today, i want to talk about something most of us have experienced at some point, whether we're 14, 18, or 48, or even older than that, and that's all of us wanting to fit in.
Speaker: So maybe you're the new kid at school, maybe you're trying to find your people on a new sports team or a friend group at college, um or even your job if you're a mom here, and or even on the PTO, right? Anywhere where moms congregate, we're always trying to find our people. And maybe you're a mom watching this, your teen struggle to find out where they fit in. And so this conversation today is actually for both of you. um If your teen wants to listen to it independently and then you do, and then you could talk about it, great. Or you can listen to it together. So let's start with the difference between fitting in and belonging.
Speaker: So fitting in means changing parts of yourself to get accepted. So going along with a group and hiding what you really think. or trying to be someone that you believe that other people want you to be versus belonging means being accepted for who you are without having to pretend to be someone else and so let's be honest you know all of us want to be liked we want to be included in fact it's a human need of ours to have that sense of belonging and we want to be invited. We want to be thought of when other people are making plans. So there's nothing wrong with this. First of all, let's just like clear up that misconception that there's anything wrong with wanting to be like, because there's nothing. It's it's part of who we are. We are wired as humans to connect.
Speaker: The problem is when getting other people's approval becomes more important than being yourself. So think about how often you might do something just because everyone else is doing it. Maybe you laugh at a joke that you don't really think is funny or you agree with some type of opinion that you don't agree with or you say yes to something when really inside that voice was like, no, I don't want to do this.
Speaker: or pretending like you're fine with being treated a certain way just because you're too afraid of potentially losing a friendship. So teens, you might recognize some of these situations, and moms, you might recognize them as well. Maybe you've done some of these things yourself. I mean, at some point, we kind of all have along the way, that's part of the learning and growing process, is and doing some things that maybe are not necessarily in our best interest and realizing that is not in alignment with who we are.
Speaker: and trying to figure out a better way and how we can move forward and really be our authentically ourselves. um And so maybe you are, as a mom, maybe you're watching your teen do some of these things and just wondering how you can help. Maybe you've tried to to have conversations and they haven't gone very well.
Speaker: So here's what I want you to just understand today, that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. And learning the difference starts with four things. So one is get to know yourself.
Speaker: And so I know it's hard when you're constantly trying to figure out who you are and also like who everyone else is and who they want you to be, right? You get all these cultural influences and sometimes you have to take a little bit of a step back, like take a little bit of a break and start paying attention to these things and really ask yourself like, do I really like this? um What do I really believe about this? And what matters to me?
Speaker: What would you choose if you weren't worried about what other people might think? That's that's a great question to ask. um And you don't have to have all these answers. you know You're still figuring things out. And that's part of growing up. Even as adults, we're still learning these things about ourselves.
Speaker: And by kind of figuring out what what I mean by this, it could be the smallest little thing like, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream? What is your favorite food? What's your favorite movie? What music do you like? To kind of bigger opinions about, you know, the world and, you know, controversy and and kind of where we take a stance on things.
Speaker: And so for moms, one of the best things that you can do is give your teenager or young adult room to develop their own opinions, interests, and their identity that is different from yours because that is their job to become a different human being. they're not um They might look like you, but they're not a mini version of you. They're their own independent person. And so that's the thing. It can be hard sometimes when our teenagers don't agree with every choice.
Speaker: But at the end of the day, this is how they can become a confident version of themselves and know who they are is if they get to be themselves, their authentic selves around you. You're the safest person in the whole world. And so it needs to be okay in your household to express different feelings and ideas without kind of labeling them as wrong or telling them why they're bad or terrible or whatever for having a ah different viewpoint.
Speaker: Number two is stop making other people's approval a measure of your worth. So this is a big one. I'm very, very passionate and about this. This is what I talk about in my keynote called The Decider. Being yourself is good enough, right?
Speaker: When you believe that being liked means you're good enough, every rejection can feel personal. So not getting invited or getting left out of a group chat, not making a team, watching everyone else seem to have their people while you're still looking. So it's easy to turn those experiences into a story about yourself. um You know, something's wrong with you. I'm not good enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not pretty enough. Like all the things like the not enoughs, right? Right.
Speaker: But someone else's decision about whether you're their person isn't a verdict on your worth, right? Like I always say stay in your lane. So their opinion is their opinion. You get to decide your own opinion. And here's what we know about worth. You were actually born enough. You were born worthy.
Speaker: And so that's really, to be honest, not even up for debate. You don't become more valuable when people like you. You don't become less valuable when people don't. So for moms, when your teen feels rejected, it's tempting to jump in with solutions or remind them of the people who love them. Sometimes though, they need you to acknowledge just how much it hurts. before they're ready to hear any advice, right? You can validate the disappointment. You've heard me say this before probably um without agreeing with the negative story. So, right, like I understand it hurts so much to get left out of something or to not make a team, right? And sometimes they just need us to be there in the emotion with them so they don't feel alone.
Speaker: Okay, number three, be willing to take a little social risk. So this can be the hard part, especially if you're new at this and you haven't done it before. If you really want relationships where you can be yourself, where you feel like you've found your people, they need to see, you need to have a chance to like show who you really are.
Speaker: So that means risking the possibility that not everyone will like you. um Maybe you do share your opinion, right? That would just be like a mini a mini risk. you know, saying something that your friends might not agree with. Maybe you invite someone to come hang out with you and you're not sure if they'll accept or if they'll even respond to your text.
Speaker: um Maybe you set a boundary instead of going along with something that doesn't feel right. And that can feel a little bit uncomfortable, right? Of course, no one wants to be rejected. But the goal isn't to just stop caring what people think completely.
Speaker: It's to learn that you can handle rejection. You can learn to handle someone disagreeing with you. You can handle someone not choosing with you, or you can even handle someone not understanding who you are.
Speaker: ah have a little story about this. So my daughter, is in eighth grade and she still loves Taylor Swift. But the thing is, it's not really cool these days for eighth graders to love Taylor Swift, but she just puts it out there. um When it comes up in conversation with friends or anybody, she's like, yeah, I'm a Swifty. And I love how she just owns it. And it's just like, I feel like it's like a little mini risk that she's taking every time. um But the thing is, it's like, it can be fun.
Speaker: It can be playful. It can be like, yeah, I'm a Swifty. I know you're not. Ha ha kind of thing. It doesn't always have to be this like serious, intense, like we're going to lock in with who we are and and we're right and draw this line in the sand, right? No, it can be a beautiful like banter, kind of playful. It can be fun. It can be silly.
Speaker: So number four, that leads me to practice in small ways. So you don't have to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be the most confident person in the room. Just, again, try one small thing, right? One opinion, one little mini thing, and and pay attention to what happens. So sometimes people might not react and in in the worst way possible. They might not react in the way you feared. um Sometimes you'll discover that actually maybe other people are thinking the same thing. Maybe they actually agree with you and they're so relieved that someone was confident enough to speak out and say the thing that they were thinking of. So, you know, that's the thing. Each experience helps you learn that you can show up more authentically. and that you can handle the outcome no matter what it is. And that is how confidence grows. It's not about the result, but it's about trying, it's about putting yourself out there, taking those healthy risks, one little baby step at a time.
Speaker: So for moms, we can help by noticing and encouraging these small moments. And instead of focusing on whether our kids have friends or getting invited places, we can also recognize when they're standing up for themselves, when they are making a genuine connection, or choosing not to change who they are just to be accepted.
Speaker: So before we wrap up, I wanna leave both teens, young adults, and moms with one thought. Again, this isn't an all or nothing choice. This is not black or white. We all adjust a little bit depending on the situation. So you might act differently with your friends than you do when you're in class or at work or with family. That's normal, right?
Speaker: um Different people bring out different sides of us. So it's not that we have to be the exact same person in every scenario. But we just generally want to be a little bit consistent. We don't want to be too extremely different from who we are at home versus who we are with our friends.
Speaker: So the goal isn't to share everything about ourselves, right? This is not just open access to our private lives. Building relationships and building trust with people does take time. And you do want to be cautious and kind of take it slow, but without taking it too, too slow. Right? And so we want to build these relationships where you don't feel like you have to like just constantly prove that you're worth having around. Because that's a terrible feeling. No one wants that. Everyone wants to feel like they are worth having around because everyone has value at the end of the day. um Everyone can provide something in a relationship.
Speaker: So, and moms, if your teen is struggling to find their people, remember that you don't have to solve the whole thing for them. you can listen, you can stay curious, listen empathetically, and remind them that their worth is not determined by their social life. Again, everyone was born with their worth. This is not something that can be given or taken away.
Speaker: And teens, if you're listening, you don't have to figure out everything today. um You don't have to be everyone's favorite person. You don't have to change yourself to earn a place in your group. The goal isn't to be liked by everyone. It's just to build positive, healthy relationships where you can be yourself and still feel like you belong.
Speaker: So until next time, everyone stay positively healthy. And if you have any questions or want to reach out and talk about this, feel free to schedule a consult. Go to my website, positivelyhealthycoaching.com, and I would love to meet with you.
Speaker: All right, take care. Bye. Hey, it's Laura. Let me take a quick minute to talk to the moms wondering, is my teen or young adult just going through a phase? Because sometimes what looks like pulling away, people pleasing or caring way too much about what everyone else thinks is really about something deeper.
Speaker: It can sound like, am I enough? Do I matter? Do I belong? And sure, some of it may pass, but your teen or young adult is figuring out who they are right now, and those questions can shape the choices that they make.
Speaker: That's where I come in. I help teens and young adults build the mindset and skillset for confidence, connection, and direction. If you're wondering what your child might need right now, let's talk about it. Book a free 30-minute discovery call at PositivelyHealthyCoaching.com. We'll talk about what you're seeing, what's underneath, and what might help.
Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash TPHmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.
