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Christmas Special 2023 - Ep. 1 Hagg Hill
93 Plays1 year ago
Its that time of year!
Introducing our Christmas Special 2023. This is episode 1 of 3. Some fimiliar heroes are called in to help save Christmas!
Follow us on our Twitters - @FellowshipTable
Intro written and produced by Joseph McDade
Music kindly provided by Fesliyan Studios
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Gumpelton's Silent Christmas
00:00:01
Speaker
It is a quiet evening in Gumpelton. Christmas cheer lingers in the air. After the tumultuous events of Christmas 2020 in 2021, the whole town breathed a sigh of relief at the silent nights that accompany Christmas 2022.
Christmas Preparations at Hag Hill Manor
00:00:18
Speaker
And now, another year on,
00:00:20
Speaker
A silent night falls once again over Christmas Eve in Gumpleton. As the lights of the Christmas star twinkle at the top of the great Christmas tree, the dark sea laps calmly against the shore. The holiday hillside lights twinkle on the hills at the mountainside inn. The lens of our minds zooms through heavy snowfall over fields of darkness away from the magical town of Gumpleton.
00:00:45
Speaker
About 20 miles from the town sits a grand country house, the fabulous country manor of Hag Hill. Smoke sifts out of the chimneys, Christmas lights twinkle around the roof, frosty icicles hand from the winger ledges. The lens of our minds passes through a window pane, a warm living room, free sofas sit in a horseshoe around the coffee table and which sits a delicious series of Christmas snacks.
00:01:12
Speaker
Off to the corner is a grand Christmas tree. Sat behind the longest sofa, which runs in tandem with the length of the room, is an open and roaring fireplace, hanging from which are a series of Christmas stockings.
Santa Seeks Help to Save Christmas
00:01:25
Speaker
Suddenly, a knock at the door, an old lady human potters towards it. Well, I wonder who that could be. The door opens. The figure is one that we all recognize, a red suit, black boots, and behind him,
00:01:41
Speaker
A magical sleigh pulled by reindeers. Merry Christmas! Or at least it would be. I need your help. It's Hans Uber. He's back. He's back and he's looking to destroy Christmas. Oh my, says the old woman. We must send warning to Gumpleton. No, no, no. This is bigger than Gumpleton. This is Christmas everywhere, in every world. He must be stopped.
00:02:09
Speaker
I know about the mysterious Christmas presents. I know they are hidden somewhere around this house. I know Hans is here, somewhere on the ethereal plane around this house. Tonight at midnight, as Eve turns to Christmas day, he will strike. My good lady, we need, we need the heroes of Christmas. This is the fellowship of the tabletop and we're back for another Christmas bitches.
00:03:07
Speaker
Yeah! What an intro! What an intro! Nice. I loved every second of that. We're back! Merry Christmas everyone! Look who's back. Back again. What an intro. Hans Uber is back. Let's take that motherfucker down! I'm rooting for this guy.
00:03:35
Speaker
Okay, when you're ready, then we'll cut back in. What? Well, I'm assuming that we've had the intro music there, and then the episode will come after that. No, don't you tell Ian how to choose. I also love that you assume that what we're talking about right now won't actually make it to the point.
The Fellowship of the Tabletop Returns
00:03:53
Speaker
I know, I know. Here's the BTS, guys. Hello, everybody. The voices that you hear and their characters will be introduced, but we're going to do it in game as if you've never heard them before.
00:04:04
Speaker
Did you just think co was bigging you up off mic when I went hey I can't wait. I really like the idea of Santa going we need the heroes of Christmas and then diddly diddly diddly. I say that that moment has come and gone. The audience have heard your intro and then our musical intro. This is just the shit that comes afterwards.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yes, hello listeners. I promise you from next week, there will be a normal, as normal as our intros are, fellowship of the tabletop introduction. Just for this year, we're going to bring people back in in-game because we've not heard from them for a while. So just hold on for this episode and then we'll get back to the normality of our intros from next week, I promise.
00:04:47
Speaker
What did you promise for? They're not disappointed. Well, I know. I'm more to myself. There might be now, though. We all remember the Shadow Man tales. My intros were chaos. Like, like, like, you can see the marks were like a well-oiled machine and damage picked off. This intro is far better. Yeah.
00:05:04
Speaker
This intro, it's seamless. I don't know how the audience would never get a notice. Set the scene for SDM. I really like the idea of Santa and this old lady. I just stood there looking at the camera while these voices just talk over them. I've just said Hans Ubert is back. What on earth are you chatting about? Anyway, the living room of Hag Hill. Later that evening, three figures who weren't there before awaken on the comfort of the sofas.
00:05:33
Speaker
The figures are disorientated, and a change in scenario quickly sets in over them. For you three figures, this is not where you went to sleep. You went to sleep in your own bed, in your own homes, settled on a peaceful Christmas Eve, and now all of a sudden you're here. James, Callum, and Otherwill, you all awaken on a separate sofa each and immediately notice each other.
00:05:59
Speaker
As you take each other in and you glance at faces that you've not seen for some time, starting with Callum, can I ask you all to remind our listeners what each other sees? And have there been many changes? It's been two years since you've last seen these faces staring back at you. As you gaze upon Balthazar, his once proud
00:06:24
Speaker
red, green robes have become tattered, worn, ragged. It cuts, gashes and holes are imbued with a little bit of patchwork of different materials.
00:06:41
Speaker
Balthazar looks like he's aged 30 years in possibly the last two. He's still accompanied by his lovely steel reindeer but after the last events of the last Christmas episode he looked somewhat different. One of his antlers is kind of twisted crooked facing backwards.
00:07:05
Speaker
His wont proud, shining body is now rusty. All of the hinges and the joints. Has someone pissed on it? His red nose just kind of keeps buzzing slightly and only flashing momentarily. And I kind of just dangles down from the socket on a spring. What? Oh god, I'm back here again.
00:07:35
Speaker
Oh god how am I gonna kind of get up oh my back oh I'm getting too old for this shit now good god and as that happens your reindeer also starts to stir and the nose kind of you can almost hear almost like the static electricity every time the the red nose comes on like a
00:07:55
Speaker
as it pulses on and off as this as this it's almost like you need to tap it to almost make that kind of noise stop and the two characters who are noticing that noise we're going to cross over to other will next as as noodle noodle awakened yes yes yes yes noodle couldn't look more different
00:08:17
Speaker
It's been a couple of years and the first thing that you would notice is kind of long dark hair covering one of the eyes. They're dressed mainly in kind of black now instead of the previous kind of scouts outfit and they still have various items about them but mainly in one hand is a large
00:08:45
Speaker
phone with kind of like a gingerbread man case on but it kind of looks out of place compared to what they seem to be wearing. They've got down at their side what looks like the remains of Michelle.
00:09:00
Speaker
the backpack. It's kind of been turned into more of a satchel down by the side as well and they're looking pretty grungy like baggy trousers and the works and they're kind of like looking around almost in a bit of disgust around the group as well and they'll just kind of sit upright and just say, what's going on?
00:09:29
Speaker
the final figure to stir as you literally start to levitate it back into your fairy light posture. James.
00:09:42
Speaker
Well, when it comes to Fimbul, she doesn't look too different at all. She's still very much the epitome of Christmas cheer. That long, flowing pink dress that's scattered around with all sorts of baubles and sparkly things. You can't even see where they begin, but it almost looks like she's a Christmas tree in herself.
00:10:00
Speaker
Her hair is long and blonde, filled with baubles and tinsel, same as anything else, and she still has that almost as if woken up from a nap sort of look to her. She stretches and goes, oh, I think I must have overdone the peach schnapps floats again. Oh, oh, where back are we? Oh, marvellous. Yes, I rather think you are, I'm afraid to say. And as you all turn around from your sofas, you see the unmistakable presence of old Chris Kringle himself.
Santa Identifies the Heroes
00:10:30
Speaker
Oh, God, it's you and me! Well, hello, Belsar, one of the original heroes of Christmas. I haven't forgotten that you, you, my fine little halfling friend, you have saved Christmas on two separate occasions. Makes you very special. Oh, believe me. Believe me, Santa, I know. I remember every single moment of those. I recant them every night in my dreams.
00:10:58
Speaker
Well, I could give you a piece of advice, dear Balthazar. Never, never, never. No, no, no, no, no. Listen to old Saint Nick. Never, ever tire of saving Christmas. I do it every year, December 24th, and I'll never stop. Why, dear Noodle, surely you still believe in old Saint Nick?
00:11:30
Speaker
Firstly, that's really lame. And secondly, I don't go by Noodle anymore. My name's Noods now. Oh my, well, you say Noods. Yeah, Noods.
00:11:45
Speaker
It is common to this certain age in a young tortoise's life to maybe feel the spark of Christmas, somewhat no longer be present in their lives. And I'm very sorry about Michelle. Yeah, yeah, great. And Nudes is going to be there kind of with the phone, just scrolling with it as well. It'll kind of lift it up, take a snapshot of you, lower it down and keep going. Just got to update my socials.
00:12:15
Speaker
Oh, okay. I'll check mine. Oh, you can give me a follow. I'm on Frostbook. Xmas. You could always follow me on Tinselgram. Oh, I've got more. Fucking amazing. This is brilliant. No chat. You fucking keep going. Keep them coming. Saint Nicknock. Oh, subscribe to my YouTube channel.
00:12:42
Speaker
Oh my goodness Elon Musk eat your heart
00:12:47
Speaker
Yes, yes, I have all of those. Yes, yes, yes. I'm now following you. You'll see I'm verified. I'm quite a big deal, obviously. Oh, you paid for the blue tick. Nice. I don't have to pay for it. I have enough natural followers, you see. Being Santa, lots of people tend to start following me this time of year. I do tend to lose some traction to the Easter Bunny around April time. But anyway, oh, thank goodness. It's nice to see someone has transported back here with some Yuletide cheer.
00:13:16
Speaker
Kris Kringle. How's the wife? She is delightful, thank you. She thanks you as always for the cookies that you send. They come in time every year. Yes, and I need to thank her for sending me this wonderful gift. And Thimble is going to take a moment to pour what appears to be a giant star. It looks like it would belong at the top of the Christmas tree. And she holds it to her side. I'm sure I will find it immensely useful.
00:13:46
Speaker
Well, Thimble, it always makes me so happy to hear that you're happy because I frankly find you quite terrifying when you get mad. Oh, thank you very much. And as that happens, suddenly a door opens and an old lady enters. She has a tray and on it appears to be a series of hot drinks. You notice immediately as she comes in that there appear to be more hot drinks than there are people in the room. As she comes in, she goes,
00:14:23
Speaker
These are the heroes of Christmas. Oh, thank goodness, my prayers, my festive prayers have been answered. We've had so many strange things happen here. And well, oh, Santa turned up and he said that I had to find you here. So I cast a spell and oh, well, I didn't know if it would work, but it has worked and I'm just so happy to see you all.
00:14:40
Speaker
Oh, well, goodness me, oh my. It's them, isn't it, Santa?
00:14:48
Speaker
This is Hag Hill. I'm one of the Mel's. I'm young Mel. My husband, old Mel, is up there to sleep. The fort of a ruined Christmas has just been too much for him and he's got a case of the vapors. So I sent him to bed and told him to entrust Christmas to Santa and to you, the heroes of Christmas. And here you are. Suddenly there appears to be
00:15:12
Speaker
what you would imagine if you've ever been lucky enough to experience the magic of being with children for Christmas, the sound of excited feet that appear to be running around the landing above you. Oh my, Mel's awake. Mel, Mel, go back to bed. Don't put your hip out. My goodness me, I've not heard him run like that for the best part of 50 years. Mel, will you please slow down? And then what happens is that you can clearly hear the feet coming, bundling down the stairs and suddenly the door opens. Mel, will you?
00:15:42
Speaker
You're not Mel, who are you? Will, who are you? So standing in the doorway, you will see a tall elf-like figure. He has short, blondish, slightly curled hair and his ears are quite prominent. And he has on a red velvet jacket that looks rather, rather drab.
00:16:09
Speaker
and a white shirt underneath with a ruff and then very and red trousers beneath and very fine looking boots. In one hand he seems to hold a very long candy cane and upon his left shoulder there sits a hawk with a small little Christmas hat on perched on its head and he looks in and goes
00:16:30
Speaker
Oh my, I can't believe it. Well, surely, good show. Oh, Santa, oh, you good old chap. Oh, Maurice, this is my good, good follower, Maurice, Maurice Dancer, I believe, isn't it? Yes, yes, Maurice Dancer to be the full name. Thank you very much. It is a pleasure. And these are... Santa's personal lap dance. He looks around and goes,
00:17:00
Speaker
Ah, the heroes of Christmas. Ah, lovely. And he looks and sees Balthazar and he sees Noodle and Thimble. Oh, was this all he could get? Yes, where are the others? Shouldn't there be a tall one? I know, I was really hoping to see him. He's the best. He died.
00:17:19
Speaker
No, I don't think that's right. I don't think he died. I know you and Maurice comes over towards Balthazar. Oh yes, you're his secretary, aren't you? You're the Galad's secretary. Yes, I believe that's right. This one's a secretary. Balthazar's going to just grab... As best as he can, he's probably going to try and start at the base of Maurice's shirt and just kind of pull down on his shirt a little bit until he gets close to the scruff of the neck and pull him down as best he can to meet him out of eye.
00:17:50
Speaker
What did you say? Maurice will kiss you on the cheek and go, well, if you wanted a kiss, old boy, you already had to ask. All right, that's it. I'm going to put you... Oh, come on, Callum. You noticed Santa was talking over this until you did that, at which point the room went deathly silent. And I assume you are attempting to punch Maurice Dancer Callum. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the spirit of Christmas. Go on, then. A minute, Josh. 19.
00:18:18
Speaker
That does in fact hit, yeah. Yeah, but you don't feel anything because I do zero damage. Okay, as your hand caresses my cheek, I'm going to move my other hand to yours and hold it there and go, oh well, darling, we've not been introduced much longer. We'll have to talk later. I didn't realise it was this kind of party. Oh God, I'm missing the Goliath.
00:18:41
Speaker
Anyway, I do apologize. I'll talk later, and what Maurice will do is he'll talk a bit of mistletoe into your top pocket. We'll use that later. Ah, right, sorry. Santa. I just did say, sorry, Santa. These ones are clearly idiots. Where is the big one? Well, I don't know. He must be around here somewhere. I don't worry. I'm sure he'll come knocking when he realizes he's not in the room. And boom, boom. Oh, maybe that's him.
00:19:11
Speaker
Boom. Boom. I'll go check the door. Santa goes over to the door and opens it and is greeted by nothing but darkness. He then realises and turns back and can hear that the knocking seems to be coming from somewhere within the living room.
00:19:26
Speaker
You will glance around to where you hear this knocking come from. And what happens is you can see on one of the walls is a mural, a mural of the great Christmas ship, the star of Bethlehem. You
Hans Uber's Christmas Challenge
00:19:38
Speaker
can see about halfway down there is a two, three foot door, which appears to be for some kind of log storage, as if it was for logs that light the fire. Above it, hand a novel sign that says, engine room. Boom, boom.
00:19:55
Speaker
That must be him. I'm just going to go open the door. Who the devil are you? Ian, who the devil are you? Hello, it's me, a big willy. I've been here. I've been here. Stay away for three, no, 730 days as he holds up this piece of paper with little crosses just cut across it.
00:20:23
Speaker
And what you see is as Big Willy kind of shuffles into the room and he almost brushes off this snow dust is I haven't done that voice in so long. You see a little.
00:20:37
Speaker
Forest Gnome. Let's try and do this because it's been a while since I've had to pull up some notes. So, Forest Gnome. Big Willy kind of mirrors the beauty of woodland as you look upon him. His skin is kind of warm and has an earthy tone to it that seems to blend
00:21:00
Speaker
seamlessly with the bark of a tree. His eyes are a shade of emerald green and shine with like some mischievous wonder and you're not quite sure if he's ever telling the truth. The garments he dons are like woven vines leaves and flowers creating almost like a
00:21:20
Speaker
a living tapestry that changes with the seasons so right now it's all frost and icicles and thorns as well that you'd see kind of frozen in a winter wonderland. He has a circular of like
00:21:36
Speaker
delicate vines wrapped around his head. And this time, new for 2023, he has like a wooden staff adorned with other icicles and thorns and moss interwined with ivy. And it seems to serve both as a walking aid and a conduit for his druid magic.
00:22:04
Speaker
Oh, hello. I remember. Hey! Noodle! Oh, God. It's Noods now, actually. Willy. Noods? Yeah. What's with the name change? Well, Noodle was so two years ago. It's very babyish. I'm not actually a baby anymore. So, Noods. Big Willy, do you remember me?
00:22:30
Speaker
Yeah, you're somewhat difficult to forget. Your favourite Big Willy is back! Oh god, Chris smash tag inappropriate.
00:22:39
Speaker
It's like I've never been away. Hey! DUMBLE! Oh, if it isn't you. Have you been in there the entire time? 700 days! Yes, stole all the way. No one knows I was there. I am the master of stealth. Well, you must be starving. And she takes a moment to pull a little peppermint stick out and just passes it over to B Willy. I have missed this. Tastes still.
00:23:05
Speaker
Stilt a stale though like you still had it from two years ago maybe maybe you need some new in fact i think.
00:23:14
Speaker
Think I brought a... Yep, I've broken my tooth. Well, you know, the economy's in shambles, isn't it? Oh, Balthur! I see you! Ugh, shit, shit, shit. My Balthur's looking around somewhere to kind of hide and he's just gonna scoot. Your reindeer looks fucked, no! What happened? What's is wrong with his eye? And his antler, what the fuck's going on? Look, look, look. Repair was difficult from last year, okay? It... It... It very...
00:23:43
Speaker
Nah, I see what's going on here. You haven't been able to find a sexual partner, so you ended up using your reindeer! First of all, that's disgusting. Die! You're not the one... I'm not the one who's done the reindeer. You've done a mechanical reindeer, and you've also used, like, some bondage-type shit on it. What's with the antler? Fix that up! My reindeer's a fucking goliath prancer. It's rust on it. What, did you piss on it? Shut up. You! And, uh, Big Willy points to Maurice Dancer.
00:24:14
Speaker
I don't know you, my name Big Willy. I am a big deal. I saved Christmas like so many times. I've been here from the very beginning. I have saved Christmas as much as this guy, Pat Spalsafir, but no one knows. I am the master of stealth, smoke, and mirrors. Although I saved Christmas many times, I've only been here.
00:24:35
Speaker
Nobody has ever actually mentioned doing the stories. It's really quite odd. I mean, I'm sorry. Maurice Dancer. When you listen to the stories being told around the town, they don't mention a Big Willy, but I'd like to meet you. Well, you meet me. I'm here in the flesh, Big Willy. Though the stories sound like bullshit. Especially if it does not mention me.
00:25:01
Speaker
Well, let's say we get to know each other a little bit better. Yes! You are very full on! Yes, well, it takes one to know one, doesn't it? That reindeer probably has some space just for you, in the back from the reindeer. If I might interrupt this whatever it is... SANTA!!! Oh my god, it's terrifying, wasn't it? Get it away from me! I'm not an it, I'm a big willy. You miss big willy, Santa, it's been a while since me and you met.
00:25:32
Speaker
How's your sack? Where did we meet? You don't remember, seriously? I'm afraid I don't know. Like, years ago I stole away on your ship, on your magical sleigh, I was in the back the whole time.
00:25:53
Speaker
I felt your sack. It was very full and then over the course of like an evening it became smaller and smaller. It drained. Yes, but I think I'd remember a rather big Willy in the back. Clearly you're mistaken, but I am an expert of the smoke and the mirrors, as they say. Well good, because I know someone else who's pretty good at that. Hans Uber.
00:26:23
Speaker
Fuck! Is he back? Again, really? I'm afraid Hansel will never really left. You see, when you... Bullshit, I saw him die. No, no you didn't. Yes I did, I helped. You saw him fall. There was a difference. No, he fell from a very fucking far off place. Yes, but you see, he never reached the floor.
00:26:47
Speaker
He's dead before he hit the floor. I tell you, when you die from that height, when you die from that height, you die mid-air. I've seen it. Your life leaves your body and goes off to another place. He was fucking dead. I don't think that's quite right. Let Santa finish, shall we? I did, many times. If you make another reference to me emptying my sack, I'm going to put you back in the cupboard.
00:27:13
Speaker
Anyway, yes, Maurice has the right of it. The big willy is not correct. When Han Zuba fell from that tower... Don't trust you. You're not Santa. You're fake. You're one of those fucking weirdos that hang out at these stores that are in Crumpleton. You're paid. You're paid actor acting like Santa just so little kids will sit on your knee. And that big willy jumps onto your face and starts tearing out of the bed.
00:27:42
Speaker
I know this is fake. Fuck this bullshit. We want the real Santa here. This is very glued on. The beard isn't coming loose. It appears to be real. That's a mighty superglue. He's now crashing into things. A picture falls off the wall. The Santa walks around this house trying to get big Willy.
00:28:00
Speaker
Get him off my face! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him off! Get him
00:28:24
Speaker
I'm hoping at some point, one of you might step in and try and stop this. It's insane. Maybe I've come to the wrong party. Oh dear, and Maurice is going to come over. Right, let's sort this out. Nudes is just taking pictures from the back.
00:28:43
Speaker
Okay, Maurice, in front of you is an old woman feebly holding a forest gnome's legs while the gnome hangs on to Santa's beard. I think I've got the gist of what's for me. That's pretty much the gist, yeah. This is a very good beard. I give you credit, fake Santa.
00:29:03
Speaker
Don't think so. Maurice, please don't watch. Please do something. You're supposed to be the heroes of Christmas. Why are you all just watching this? I'm gonna use my candy cane. I want to wrap. Yeah, Ian's character on the knuckles. Let go. What do you mean Ian's character? Do you not remember my name? Little Willy. Nana. Roll to hit. Okay. That's fine.
00:29:33
Speaker
Let's roll to hit with this. To 14. Watch your AC, Big Willy.
00:29:46
Speaker
Oh, that definitely hits. Yeah, you got him. I don't think I'm wearing any armor. I'm rolling up here. I'm rolling like non-lethal damage here. So I'm just trying to wrap his knuckles to get him to let go. I'm a class of 10. Fucking... You could just flick me away at this point. Okay, I'm going to assume because of the fact that big Willy... Santa is actively trying to push him off. My HP's are eight. Shit, genuinely, I have just carried on from 2021. Of course you have.
00:30:11
Speaker
Yeah, that will hit. Get me off. Young Mel is pulling up the legs. Yeah, he comes loose. He just... What you see is almost kind of like the suspension bridge collapsing as he just falls completely down between them. Face first. Fine, fine. Finish him off, Santa. I don't think at some point that this chaos might stop so I can actually tell you what you need to do. Fair enough, fair enough. I'm willing to believe that you are real, Santa.
00:30:38
Speaker
It's just hard to believe that Hans Ube is back. Well, I was in the middle of explaining... He is a motherfucker. Well, yes, I found that to be an accurate description for him. He's a very dangerous motherfucker and he has a plan. Fiendish plan. What is it? Well, I'm getting to it. Someone... There is a long pause between Fiendish plan.
00:31:03
Speaker
Pause enough for a big Willy to come on in there. Maurice, please put your hand over the wall. Don't you fucking touch me, Maurice. I'll bite it off. Maurice will carry on, Santa. Fuck this guy. I'm going to cash sleep on Ian. Yeah, so with his hit points, I think this is probably going to work. I shouldn't have mentioned my hit points. No, definitely not.
00:31:35
Speaker
Ian, do you have less than 25 hit points? Bullshit, yes. You fall asleep. Fuck this mori- Oh, thank you. Oh, goodness me, is he dead? No, no, he's just asleep, Sandra. It's okay. He'll, he'll slumber until we wake up. He'll wake up. Oh, he's quite adorable. I know, we can draw in, draw on him later. Oh, that's a marvelous idea. I'm going to draw a little mustache on his nose.
00:32:05
Speaker
Hanzuba has found the means to travel between the ethereal plane and this world. Not just this world, any world on the material plane. And his villainy has spread in the two years since you last saw him. You see, when he fell from the tower, he didn't make it to the floor. Instead, he fell for a crack in the fabric of reality.
00:32:30
Speaker
and has now spread his evil across many planes across the material world. Very few things link the planes of the material world. The hope and joy of the festive season is one of them. I don't know what he means to do. All I know is that he's here, somewhere in this house.
00:32:58
Speaker
but not on this plane. He's in the ethereal plane. And he set a game, a challenge, a challenge for all of you. He has hidden a series of Christmas presents throughout this house. Should you find them all, I do believe it will bring Han Zuba back to the material plane somewhere here in this house so you can deal with him. However, I must warn you,
00:33:26
Speaker
Over his travels, he found some terribly, terribly fiendish personas that he's been able to embody. And that he has set a challenge for you, rather than just simply doing whatever it is he means to do, means he's incredibly confident and he's vengeful. That's very sporty, love him. Well, you say that. Hans Ulber is a proud man.
00:33:56
Speaker
I don't know why Santa has gone Welsh, but anyway. Hans Uber, you see, is a proud man. It's all right. It's the panic, Santa, we understand. Yes, it's exactly that. I'm also off to Cardiff as soon as I'm done here and it helps me blend in. Going to Pontipandi. So you're saying that Hans Uber has left presents. He's left deposits all around the house and we've got to try and find them. That's exactly what I'm saying.
00:34:25
Speaker
There are five presents in total that you must find. A special book, I believe it is a spell book of some kind. There is a set of artifices trinkets, he turns to you, Belvazar, at this. And you'll hear them playing soft music, follow the music. There's a judge's wig, an old heirloom of old Mel's family, returned to this house. And then there is a Christmas star, not dissimilar to the one that you hold, and turns to you.
00:34:54
Speaker
James, your character's name's completely gone, I'm really sorry. Fimbul. Fimbul is. And that's okay, she goes like, well, I can always have two. The final one, young Mel here has already managed to find, show them Mel. Yes, I put it down in the Christmas tree. And she goes over to the Christmas tree and brings a present around. It still wraps. It's from Hans Uber and I didn't dare open it. Who wants it? Give it here.
00:35:25
Speaker
Okay, yep. And what do you do? Balthazar's almost kind of strutting up and going to snatch it out of the hand. Oh, okay. There is no hesitation. Literally, all the unwrapping coming off, bows are coming off. There's zero hesitation in it. Okay. Could I ask you to make a dexterity saving throw, please? Just Balthazar. No one else needs to.
00:35:54
Speaker
I got a five. Okay. As this, as you unwrap this presence, what happens is what almost seems to be a series of mini fireworks just shoot up and hit you in the face. And they all explode. You take two points of psychic damage. Son of a bitch.
00:36:17
Speaker
And what you see as the smoke disappears is that the fireworks continue to rain out of this snowglobe. You're able to, by this point, just get your head out of the way. What you hold in your hand is a model. It's a model of Gumpelton set inside this snowglobe. And it seems to be commemorating New Year's Eve 2021. And what you can see, as you've unintentionally shaken this snowglobe, is that every time as you shake it, Hans Uber just starts to fall from the tower.
00:36:47
Speaker
and disappears halfway down every time. And that just seems to repeat on the cycle. All right, so at least fire won't go off. You're going to see little smoke just coming off of Balthazar's eyebrows and hair just on top and singeing away. I remember this one. There, see, maybe he didn't die. And he's going to show the snow glow with him just falling halfway down. He's disappearing, faulty.
00:37:17
Speaker
And as you do that, as you show it around to everyone else, all of a sudden this snowblazer just takes over the snowglabe and you see some writing start to form within this snow that swirls around the glass. It says, I knew she would summon you. I knew that fat, proud bastard would summon you. The melds of Hag Hill celebrated my fall like the rest.
00:37:43
Speaker
Find the presents before it's too late, or else I will curse every person in Gumpleton. Nay, I will curse every person across the multiverse on every known world in the material plane with the spell Modify Memory. They will forget you. They will forget Christmas.
00:38:02
Speaker
they will forget that Christmas ever existed. And then,
Hans Uber's Threat to Christmas
00:38:06
Speaker
then I will travel through the multiverse, making December 25th National Hands Uber Day. And at that, the smoke dissipates and whirls and goes back to the image of hands just falling, continually falling. Right then, looks like we've got some rooms to search.
00:38:29
Speaker
Time to have some fun in the house. I say, how positively ghastly. Oh, God. Yeah, I can't be forgotten. I've got, like, 4,000 followers. And actually, it makes a bit of sense, actually, now why I'm here, because I keep getting loads of DMs saying send nudes. So that's probably why I'm here in the first place. So let's go find some presents. OK. And Maurice will kick.
00:38:58
Speaker
Big Willy, to wake him up. Do you feel good? Oh good, you're one of those. Anyway, so just to sum up, so you know, you know, we've got five presents in the house, we've got one of them, we've got to get the other four, otherwise Hans Uber will change everyone's memories to forget you and Christmas.
00:39:28
Speaker
Yes, I heard book, spell, artificial, thinkers, things. A judge's wig, Christmas star, and we've already got the snow globe. Big Willie ain't stupid. Oh, you're quite observant for one and a half days, but excellent. Well then, I'd best be off. Well, come with us, Sandra. It could be great to have you along. I can't, I can't. It's Christmas Eve and...
00:39:54
Speaker
We all know what I must do on Christmas Eve. And don't you dare say empty my sack, you little wretched... It's the truth though, Santa, am I right? You've got to empty the big sack that's right there in your sleigh. Don't think I haven't seen. It's bigger this year. You mean this sack? And he holds up a sack that's just magically appeared. Not the one in his trousers. Before anyone says it, and he walks over to the chimney and all of a sudden it balloons.
00:40:24
Speaker
What's jingling? I can hear you. And as it balloons, I'm not paying attention to that. You hear as he then disappears up the chimney and out to do what Santa has to do on Christmas Eve. Oh, well, this is Claus. This is Claus.
00:40:44
Speaker
I feel free to look around the house. I can't guarantee that there won't be more surprises like Bath 1. It seems Hans Uber has a bit of a hold on the place. I'll be here if you need me. She's just going to take a seat next to the
00:40:59
Speaker
How many rooms are there in this house? Down here you've got the swimming pool, we've had a bit of a leak so that's out of bounds. If you go to the door to the left that will take you to the kitchen. Into the right you have the library, you'll find the hallway beyond and there's a stairwell that will take you up to the bedrooms that are
00:41:22
Speaker
four of those. There's a big bathroom up there as well. And you will also find a latrine on this floor. That's about it. Well then, do we want to start at the top and work down or look at the box and then work up? I don't mind either way. I like you. Me and you can have a lot of fun. Oh, I do hope so. And he's going to give you a bit of mistletoe as well.
00:41:51
Speaker
Okay. Still very full on, but I do like you. Um, yes, let's work from the top. Fuck it. No one else is answering. Okay. Let's go to the bedrooms. Noodle. What? I mean, nudes, what the fuck happened to you? Uh, what, what do you mean? Don't, uh, what you mean to me? Uh, I'll, uh, whoever I want to actually, thank you. Don't, uh, me.
00:42:19
Speaker
Uhh, who are you? Uhh... Maurice has gone towards the stairs. Why don't I get any mistletoe? Why are you giving it to everyone, not me? You've been back as a sexist bastard. You've gone until midnight and you do appear to be wasting a bit of time just to see you there. Maurice will turn over and look, look, look here, teenage Negasonic Deathhead or whoever you are. Just, you know...
00:42:47
Speaker
How about you just stop chilling the vibe here and just, you know, get in with the mood. Let's go. How about you live your life and, you know, let me live mine. And Nudes is going to try and push their way past Maurice to lead the way. Well, she's still got that thing going on. Not that sexy thing. She too young for that. I'm talking about that hard ass bitch thing.
00:43:16
Speaker
Puberty hits some of these people so hard sometimes. Sometimes it hit back. As my chemical nude man has made their way out of the room, I'm going to just assume in this marching order that Noodle is at the front. What is the order now for following Noodle? Maurice will go afterwards. Fimble over there, Maurice. Fimble. Yeah, Balthazar and a reindeer.
00:43:48
Speaker
and then Big Willy. Right at the back. Big Willy at the back. Okay, Noodle, as you go through, which way are you leaving the room? Are you going through the door on the right, which you were told leads to the stairs, or are you going through the door on the left, which you were told leads to the kitchen?
00:44:05
Speaker
Uh, even though they'd never admit it because Murray said upstairs first, they're leading that way. And they're also going to, uh, news is going to spark up the phone, uh, and just start recording, uh, themself and the train behind basically and be like, don't forget to like, and subscribe. But, uh, also.
00:44:24
Speaker
We're in the middle of some bad things going on. Apparently Christmas needs saving again, so don't worry. Nudes is here for it. And I've got some more troop behind and is gonna kind of record the people behind as they're leading the way. They're not really sure where they're going. Maurice will blow a kiss. And Thimble will wave enthusiastically. You can't see Big Willy, he's too small. He's staring at a reindeer's asshole right now. Why are Rusty back here? What have you been doing?
00:44:53
Speaker
It's where the oil goes.
00:44:58
Speaker
As you come through the door on the right, you immediately come into what appears to be a former converter, deep corridor, deep, deep kind of landing style corridor. There
Searching for Hidden Presents in the Library
00:45:10
Speaker
is a spiral staircase in the middle of the room, which seems to go upstairs. There are a series of bookshelves stacked from floor to ceiling that go around the room. And you can see all of the shelves are dotted with books as you enter this room. What do you do?
00:45:26
Speaker
Should we search this room first while we're here? Go on then. I mean, one was a book spell. You'd think that this would be the place it would be. Maurice is going to start searching the room. How marvelous is he correct? Anyone want to help spell a book? Okay, as Fimbul says that, Maurice has already started flicking through shelves. What are the rest of you doing? Tapping away on my phone. I need help! How can I get that?
00:46:00
Speaker
It turns out, even though I've been here for 730 days, I have yet to take a long rest from 2021. You should have five levels of exhaustion and be dead. I mean, I got to lay on hands, but I don't want to be doing that right now. I have no cure. I have no healing. Someone here give me a fucking potion. I don't think we have any.
00:46:30
Speaker
Fuck, it's gonna be an interesting Christmas. I'm gonna just look around the room myself. Everything that is three feet and above, I won't be able to investigate. So I'm literally just, it's three feet and under. That's all I can see.
00:46:50
Speaker
Balthazar will stand on top of his reindeer as it creeps towards the bookcase and try and take some that are a bit higher. Okay. Fimbul's going to use one of her features. She's going to use, and it's called, magic awareness. Within 60 feet of me casting this feature, you need to tell me if there is a spell or a magic item that gets basically illuminated for me. Oh, okay. Maurice will light up then. Maurice will light up.
00:47:17
Speaker
Okay, yep. Big Willy light up. Big fucking spliff. My field defender will as well. So I believe Noodle, the caster as well, would also light up. Yeah, and my phone. Yeah. So first thing you see...
00:47:33
Speaker
The first thing you see, Fimbul, is literally everybody, although a Balthasar might not, because my knowledge of an artificer, it's always proven to be something. Balthasar wouldn't have made the great self. I'm also wearing major armour right now. What about the reindeer's arsehole?
00:47:50
Speaker
Like a UV light. Take a black light, do it. Oh, we're awful. Anyway, what you know claps exactly, she's like, oh, it's like a Christmas tree in here. Firstly, you do see everyone with the exception of Bolivar in the room starts to light up. Oh, sure. Pick up the halfling.
00:48:12
Speaker
And you also notice that on the far bookshelf near the room, near the main door, the door that leads to outside, there is another door on the left-hand side that has a big out of bounds sign hanging on it. You would assume that that leads to the swimming pool that you were told was out of commission. You do see on the far side a book
00:48:40
Speaker
is glowing you can see on the shelf there is one book that appears to be glowing does it does it contain any kind of like particular spell school because magic awareness will also tell me what school of magic it involves all of them very cool uh thimble will head straight over to this book right this seems to be on the right track and she will pick it up
00:49:04
Speaker
Yeah, and as you pick it up, the rest of you, Fimble has effectively negated the need for any form of investigation role because Fimble had something that allowed you to instantly find what you were looking for in this room. It's gift wrapped. What do you want to do? Oh, I'm not sure I can open this. It's not Christmas yet. Just open the things. Call it an early present.
00:49:33
Speaker
Oh, you're too kind. Now for me, regardless, it starts pulling off the wrapper. You guys have been fucking since we last spoke. As the wrapping falls to the floor. How does that work? Logistically, you being so small and him being so, I mean, you're a fairy. Yeah, they're both small. Oh.
00:49:57
Speaker
They're small. It's a shame about the sea. Don't worry about it. Some of us are more well endowed. It's okay. It's not natural, damn it. Fimbal, I'd like to think at this point you've been able to shut out Big Willy, and I hope you listeners have been able to as well.
00:50:13
Speaker
Much of the writing that you can see on this book is damaged. It's illegible. You can see that it used to belong to the Gumpelton Lyceum and it seems to be a Christmas present from years past. Do you speak Elvish? Actually I do, yes. Then you can read it. There appears to be a series of texts and images on the book.
00:50:34
Speaker
It seems that this was a gift to an unnamed elven child from some member of the royal family who seems to be related to him. Can you give me an investigation check to just see how much you're discerning from this damaged book?
00:50:56
Speaker
I rolled a 17. Yep, that will do it. You can make out that this was a gift from an elven king, a long lost elven king, and it seems to have been given to a child, though not a child necessarily directly of the royal line. It seems to be awarded to a bastard son.
00:51:17
Speaker
And you can see as you flick through the pages, there is scribbling on some of the pages that just says, bastard half-elf, bastard half-elf. And it's written on many of these pages if someone else has taken this book from this child and has just defaced it. With that role as well, you are able to discern two spells that still seem usable.
00:51:38
Speaker
One is the spell Cure Wounds, the other is the spell Inflict Wounds. When attempting to cast Evil with this book that has been damaged, so it's volatile, you roll a d4. Evens, you cast Cure Wounds. Odds, you cast Inflict. It has two charges. Well, this is quite interesting. Fimbul, how do you feel? No, that's... and Fimbul. And Fimbul.
00:52:08
Speaker
I'm getting mixed up on names now. Big Willy, how do you feel about dancing with death? How the fuck did you confuse me and you? And you want to dance with death. You want me to dance with death. Big Willy is not afraid of danger. He laugh at the face of danger. Oh, that's wonderful, because this book has a small chance of killing you. But it also has a small chance of healing you. Right. Oh, did you rot? You cast the spell from it? Or I cast the spell from it?
00:52:37
Speaker
I think the book is the one that casts a spell, if I understand correctly. That's a fucking weird book! It is. It's a little damaged and filled with quite a lot of racial hate, but you know, it's quite interesting to read. Fine. I dance with death.
00:52:57
Speaker
How do I do it? What do I do? DM direct. I assume... Is it technically Thimble doing the... Yes, Thimble, as Big Willy says that, you can open the pages of this book and attempt to cast one of the spells in his direction. You have to reach out a hand and try and touch Big Willy.
00:53:15
Speaker
because both spells have a range of touch. In that case, Fimbul is going to attempt to cast Cure Wounds on Big Willy. No, no, no. There's something else that has to happen with this. I need you to roll our karma. Okay. Depending on what you roll, you will either give yourself advantage where you can, you can roll twice.
00:53:39
Speaker
or you will give yourself disadvantage, where again, you roll twice, but it will lean in favor of... So on advantage, you only have to roll the one you want to roll once. You have two chances to roll it. On disadvantage, if you roll the one you don't want, which in this instance is inflict wounds, that will happen. So you double the jeopardy or you double the chance of success based on what you roll on Arcana. Right. Okay. In that case, I'll give you the math. I'll give you the math to see, you know, I'm not railroading it. On a one to seven,
00:54:09
Speaker
It is disadvantage. On a 7 to 14, it is just roll normally, and on a 14 plus, you get the advantage. In that case, I rolled a 12, so I assume that's just normal. Just roll a d4, and we'll see what happens. Oh, shit. Nudes is going to get the camera up and start recording. Don't fucking film this. I could die. Well, it'll actually probably get me some more followers, so. Fucking, what the fuck is followers? It's Evens, number four.
00:54:38
Speaker
It's even, so what did I say? It would be... I'm just going to have to read back over. Cure wings and slit wings. Hang on, just to make this shit, it's rolled. Sorry, I looked at the wrong bit. That's a big fucking difference there, dumbbellina! It's literally the opposite.
00:54:54
Speaker
So is it odds or evens? It's evens. Sorry. What the fuck is going on over there? One is an odd number, just so you guys know. In opposite worlds. Just someone, just Callum or James, who's seen this die. Tell me if it's odd or evens. It is odds. Okay. Just to read back through again, while I put, holds the spells cure wounds and then flip wounds. You roll the d4.
00:55:23
Speaker
on Even's Cure, on Odd's... In fact, can you cast Inflict Wounds at level 1 on Big Willy, please, Fimble? Okay, so Fimble has rolled a 17.
00:55:42
Speaker
OK, well, that's probably going to hit based on what we heard about Big Willy's AC earlier. Let's fuck it ahead. Ah, shit. Big Willy, you take 15 hit points worth of necrotic damage. Ah, fucking down, son! So what happens is you reach out to cure Big Willy, and all of a sudden, this radiant magic seems to swirl and change to necrotic damage. And you just watch as Big Willy, ah!
00:56:13
Speaker
Just falls over. Face down. Well, at least it didn't instantly kill you. Sorry to interrupt. Like R2D2, when it has an electric shock, it just falls flat on its fucking face. That's what Willy's just happened. So we've just seen Big Willy face plummet to the floor as attempting to cast from one of Hans Ubers' presence has completely backfired.
Cliffhanger: Big Willy's Mishap
00:56:43
Speaker
And to find out what happens next, you're going to have to listen to next week's episode of The Fellowship of the Tabletop. Oh shit! Fucking killed me! Fucking killed me! Big Willy down! Big Willy down!
00:56:56
Speaker
Oh, we just get big willy up. It'll take a lot of work. It's a monumental effort. So many innuendos. I think we've set a Fellowship at the Tabletop record for the amount of innuendos and sheer amount of sex jokes, mainly by myself, admittedly, in an episode. But it does lead me to say thank you very much for tuning in and listening to this
00:57:23
Speaker
Special Christmas episode. I love it. I love these things so much. We hope you do too. Like, review, rate, anything that Noodles said or nudes in the episode, you know, give us a like, give us a thumbs up, tell your friends, get our name out there. Yeah. Merry Christmas, everyone. As Darren said, we'll be back next week.
00:57:44
Speaker
to find out what happens to a big Willy. If you wanted to go one step further and follow us individually, you could do so. We have a X page at fellowship table. And then we have our individual ones, as just said, I'm at iWorld 1. Alpha Will is at Natural20Will. Beta Will is at Send Nudes. James is at Chappie Dice Roll. Callums at the D20 Gamer. Send Nudes.
00:58:12
Speaker
Have you really changed your handle for that? No, I haven't. I feel like that wouldn't be taken. I really hope. I really hope. Was it hastily rolled MPC? You do get some nudes. Send Wilson nudes. And very festive Christmas-y.
00:58:34
Speaker
Uberman himself, DM, can be found at DarrenPage06. Until next week, guys. Farewell.