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"R.I.P. Janus" #73
10 Plays10 months ago
Our beloved friend and co-host passed away on Feb. 10 following a courageous battle with an aggressive form of bile duct cancer.
In this episode Betsy and John share gratitude, grief, and their personal experiences with Janus' final chapter.
A tribute episode with stories about Janus is in the works.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Tribute to Yiannouz
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Speaker
On today's episode, we spend a little time remembering our dear departed brother.
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Our former co-host and sparky Yiannouz, who has transcended his body into the formless state.
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And we share a peek into our own deep process of grieving together as a trifecta and share a lot of gratitude along the way.
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Enjoy the episode.
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Welcome to Stay Sparked.
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We are longtime friends here to share conversations aimed to light you up.
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I'm Betsy Finkel, who the creator of the Power Affirmation Journal and Somatic Body Worker.
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I am John Halcyon, host of the Hug Nation YouTube channel.
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And we love, love, love starting with gratitude and every conversation.
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And so we will start us off with some gratitude and then we're going to dive into a very beautiful conversation today about our dear friend, Janus.
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I had a thought.
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Yeah.
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I think this whole episode is about gratitude.
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Oh yeah.
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So yeah, we're here to remember and be grateful for our friend Yanus.
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Our dear brother and co-host has passed on.
Reflections on Friendship and Legacy
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our Sparky.
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We call him Sparky because we did many, many, many episodes of Stay Sparked, the three of us.
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We started in 2023, I believe.
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And if you have been listening to us for that long, you probably have gotten to receive much of his wisdom.
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And we imagine by now you may have received the
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Speaker
very deeply saddening news of his recent passing due to cancer in such a short, short time.
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And so gratitude guides us through grief.
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Gratitude guides us through life.
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And today is really about that.
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So I love that you called that forward, Halcyon.
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So, um,
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I'll just say I'm just so grateful for Stay Sparked because it has provided us an opportunity to deepen our friendship with each other, Nyonus.
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And I'm so grateful for our listeners out there who have reflected back to us that you have been receiving our conversations with a lot of insight and inspiration.
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And that is the fuel that keeps us going.
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So big shout out to all of you that have been listening.
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Thank you so much.
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Yeah.
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And I love knowing that he knew that, you know, he knew that the words that he was putting out there and, and even, you know, at the end, he knew the, that he had hours and hours of, of his words that, um, and his voice and his laugh that are recorded through Space Days Parked, that the people that miss him,
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we'll be able to see and the people that never met him and the people, the young boy who will probably not remember.
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But... Yes, his son, his precious son, who's one who had an opportunity to know him for a very short time, but has his DNA, his precious energy of the powerful man that he was, it's in his blood.
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And so we are so grateful and so grateful to you Halcyon, especially for this gathering all of the footage and all of the little clips of Janus's voice, all of the beautiful quotes he would just bust out and his silliness.
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And so that will be coming soon.
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So thank you Halcyon for going and working through all of our many hours of footage to gather that.
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It's such a treat.
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It's such an awesome process of being present with him as I'm going through it.
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Today's episode is really, we're not really sure exactly what
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this is we have an episode planned with some other friends that are going to come together and we'll be sharing stories more of a tribute episode but you know the last chapter that we all shared together the three of us was unique and such a classroom and that we just wanted to get together and kind of share a little bit of the fresh stuff in our hearts and our minds it's funny I
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Sometimes I am so joyful when I am thinking about him and sometimes I am overwhelmed with sorrow and this kind of this grieving with gratitude process.
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So, I mean, before we started, I was like, I hope I don't sound nonchalant, you know, because I'm not touching the tears in this moment, but I've already got a little teary, so.
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Speaker
Yeah, well, I would imagine we both could probably fill up some bottles of quartiers at this point.
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And, you know, I also want to just echo that the authenticity of this conversation, not really having a very specific knowing of what's going to come through, but really recognizing that we were some of the closer people to him towards the end of his days.
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And Stay Sparked was a very big part of that because we were meeting weekly for quite some time until there was a moment that we had to kind of make some hard decisions together, the three of us, that he was going to need to put a pause, take a sort of a sabbatical from recording so that way he could tend to the things that he needed to tend to.
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And so, you know, the invitation was for him to come back when he wanted to.
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But unfortunately, you know, that was the last time.
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And I think we have been really going through quite a journey of facing his death with him because we were right there with him.
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Not always physically, but we were aware of what was happening, you know, and we had the very special, special privilege to get to see him just, you know,
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a couple days before he passed, which I've never had that opportunity to be with someone in their final days, in their final breaths, let alone the three of us getting to hold hands in that very tender and vulnerable moment and be with him.
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let him know that we are honored to carry his legacy forward.
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What a deep, deep honor and special gift that he gave us.
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I feel that was that changed my life in such a big way.
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that we had that one moment of us all holding hands and it was a profound like culmination of so much.
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And so, yeah, it was like an eternal moment.
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Yeah.
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I mean, you know, he was diagnosed in Thanksgiving, had a hospital run and came
Journey through Yiannouz's Illness
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home from that.
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And kind of the expectation was
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was going to be fine.
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And he returned to the hospital.
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And I guess around the start of the year and it was bad and he initially did not want
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anyone to, to be a part of that hardcore journey.
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And, and so eventually led a very few people in, including Betsy and I and it was, you know, like, I really
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It's a, you know, on one hand, you're like, I share everything with everyone all the time, you know?
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But I totally understand the desire to go through something so intense without kind of inviting everyone in.
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I mean, there was a real, so there was a chapter when there was a lot of hope
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not necessarily from the medical community, but from him and those of us close to him.
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And so without a lot of doctors saying, you got this, that was the vibe.
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We're gonna make it.
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And I could really see how it would be hard to have people visit and see in their faces
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So anything, but hey, how's it going?
00:09:20
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You know, cause it was, it was a, it was a, for me it was a really challenging interaction to talk to him about what's going on with my partner and yeah, we had this going on.
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And it really clearly knowing that his health was as sick as I've ever seen another person, you know,
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And so there was this process of just trying to be there as a friend and I could totally see why it could be really hazardous to have people reflecting back to anything but all as well.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And there is some time there as well for him that he was fighting.
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His spirit was strong, so strong that he was like, I don't even want to talk about death because it's not happening.
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And so I'm not even going to go there.
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And so I know for me, then hearing that, that kicked me into cheerleader mode.
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You got this.
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You got this, brother.
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I believe in you.
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And then the community started to rally and it was so beautiful.
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All these, we gathered all these voice memos of all these wonderful friends saying these wonderful things, saying,
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you got this, I'm seeing you wrapped in light, holding you, envisioning.
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And it was powerful to have these words spoken into the collective field and record them while he was going through that.
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It was powerful.
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And it was also really challenging too, for me in this state, knowing that
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his right hand person that was there, the primary person that was there with him every day, bless her heart, was giving me information that the doctors were giving her and they, it was not good.
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And so I was like, how do you hold such a deep place of hope for a miracle for your friend while also preparing yourself to say goodbye at potentially, you know,
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grieve on a very deep level.
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And so it was interesting to sit in that for some time and to hold that place of hope for him while also feeling the reality of what was gonna happen.
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And so, yeah, I feel like that that was a real teacher for me and a practice that I've never really done before.
00:11:55
Speaker
Me neither.
00:11:57
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And yeah.
00:11:59
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Yeah, that being like holding onto the miracle,
00:12:05
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having a part of you knowing the possibility, the very realistic possibility, and also knowing that the very real possibility is not something that is is going to is available to other people.
00:12:20
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So as people are asking questions and things, it's just you and I and a couple other people able to to hold that.
00:12:28
Speaker
And I don't know, like there was a big shift when
00:12:37
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we got the announcement that he was shifting to pain management only.
00:12:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:43
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And had, you know, in his, his, I will not entertain anything other than, than conquering this to, okay, this is, I need to prepare for death.
00:12:57
Speaker
And that, then there was a shift we could let people know
00:13:06
Speaker
And like it was really getting this centering this particular up on me like that experience for me of of of living in this secret fear grief for a month and then having the community like suddenly surge with grief and love.
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It was really helpful for me and to just to feel like everyone holding him.
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Speaker
And then we were able to speak to him in a way that we couldn't before.
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You know, the visits that I had before were chums hanging out.
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And then when we got to visit him in that last visit, got to say the things that you'd want to say.
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I'm so grateful.
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I mean, I mean,
00:13:59
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I respect anyone's choice in their journey, but I'm so grateful that he had that decision that welcomed us in to be a part of the knowing that this is the end.
00:14:13
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:14:15
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Yeah, yes, really an honor.
00:14:18
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I feel so honored.
00:14:20
Speaker
And the way that it happened for me to get on a plane on Wednesday morning, knowing that I had to go straight to the hospital, because he might not make it another day was like a pilgrimage.
00:14:36
Speaker
It was so surreal to be on that plane knowing that I'm about to go be with my friend and his final moments.
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Speaker
And just so many feelings.
00:14:48
Speaker
You know, I've never gone through a training before of being a death doula or saying goodbye to a friend.
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And so thankfully, I have some people close to me that are death doulas and have been there before.
00:15:02
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And so I'm very grateful that I was able to receive some coaching specifically from this woman who started an organization called the Center for Conscious Living and Dying.
00:15:14
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And so I just kept listening to her memo over and over again.
00:15:18
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And some of the things that she kept reminding me is to just really be you just come in your own authentic light and create a space for him to share anything he might want to share and let yourself just share.
00:15:31
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be real and authentic.
00:15:35
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And so that's what I did.
00:15:38
Speaker
And I'm in the process of writing it all out because in that one hour window of just sitting with him and me and him, so much happened.
00:15:47
Speaker
And it was so healing and so powerful.
00:15:49
Speaker
And, you know, I want to share a lot of the things that happened.
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Speaker
And one that I'll share here with you now is kind of speaking to what you were sharing around, like, how do you show up from that place of like lightheartedness and joy and not sobbing?
00:16:17
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Because a part of me just wanted to be able to show up with that kind of love and care for him.
00:16:21
Speaker
And so when I got there, I did.
00:16:24
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I was holding this lightness of my heart for him and gratitude.
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And I came in and I was like, hey, Sparky.
00:16:32
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Hey, I'm so grateful to be with you.
00:16:36
Speaker
And look at you.
00:16:37
Speaker
My gosh, like, this is crazy.
00:16:39
Speaker
I can't believe this is happening.
00:16:40
Speaker
Like, wow.
00:16:42
Speaker
And he couldn't really talk that much, but he was as he was kind of like kind of settling into me being there.
00:16:48
Speaker
He was like a little bit fidgety and his eyes were sort of closed and open a little bit at a time.
00:16:54
Speaker
And then after about five or 10 minutes of just kind of settling into the uncomfort of being there with seeing my 6'4 friend, very frail.
00:17:06
Speaker
I felt my tears start to well up inside my heart and I held his hand and I said, I'm really going to miss you.
00:17:14
Speaker
And I let my tears out and.
00:17:19
Speaker
He opened his eyes really wide and he picked my hand up and pulled it close to his heart and he looked me right in the eyes and he received my tears on such a deep level.
00:17:31
Speaker
And it was so powerful because this idea of like, oh, I don't want to be sobbing or, you know, a mess when I'm with him on his final moments.
00:17:43
Speaker
But really, I saw how that actually was an expression of my love that he was able to receive.
00:17:49
Speaker
And it was important to be able to let those tears to come through.
00:17:53
Speaker
It provided a space for a deep connection.
00:17:56
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And so that was one very special moment that I'm so honored and so grateful that I got to have with Janus before he passed.
00:18:07
Speaker
We kept using the term liminal space.
00:18:11
Speaker
The last chapter, he was kind of in and out and between worlds.
00:18:17
Speaker
And I mean, I feel like witnessing your tears from that space is one of
00:18:27
Speaker
appreciation and witnessing of the depth of humanness of you, you know, connecting to the depth of humanness in him without any of the sadness or, you know, like, yeah, it was, I, the, the,
00:18:51
Speaker
the moment that I am treasuring so much when we were holding hands and getting to thank him, you know, I didn't say goodbye.
Legacy and Connections Rekindled
00:19:02
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I said, just listed all the attributes of his, all the things, the courageous things and moments and things I witnessed that affected me and the ways that he has lived as a man that have changed who I am as a man.
00:19:17
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And the things that, you know,
00:19:21
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that hard for a man to say to another man.
00:19:27
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And, and to have, you know, his eyes in this moment of like saying that there's, if there's anything, I don't want to, I don't want to die with, I don't want to leave with this in me.
00:19:41
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I want you to know and to be able to, and it really has made me
00:19:47
Speaker
you know, I think I'm pretty good at giving praise to people and gratitude, but I really have been like upping my voice messages I send to people saying, Hey, I appreciate you, you know, just cause I want, I want, I mean, there's, there's so much about this last chapter has been so has just changed me.
00:20:05
Speaker
Like,
00:20:07
Speaker
Over the last, since my first visit in the hospital, like I kept finding myself in these moments with my now fiance, where I was just so present, just like so aware of how joyful this moment was, you know?
00:20:30
Speaker
it's this being in the meditation of transition and preciousness
00:20:41
Speaker
has been so powerful.
00:20:43
Speaker
I mean, it's, it's one of those grieving with gratitude.
00:20:47
Speaker
It's one of those silver linings of like, thank you for this gift, brother, of, of helping me see that every moment I have with you is such a gift.
00:20:55
Speaker
And every moment I have with everyone is such a gift.
00:20:59
Speaker
Just stay, stay, keep, remember, remember, remember.
00:21:03
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Yeah, and you know, his passing has brought a tidal wave of connection.
00:21:09
Speaker
I have been connecting with people I haven't connected to in years because of his passing.
00:21:15
Speaker
It's pretty incredible because he knew so many people.
00:21:21
Speaker
And a lot of the same people, but I didn't keep in touch with a lot of the people that he kept in touch with.
00:21:29
Speaker
And it's been really beautiful to feel so many friends from far and wide reaching out and just sharing condolences and little virtual hugs and memos and phone calls and check-ins and...
00:21:43
Speaker
It's really beautiful to feel how there is this really powerful coming together and in honor of his life and what legacy he left.
00:21:56
Speaker
And one of the things that I'm really noticing within myself about it too is that in his life,
00:22:05
Speaker
In the celebration of who he was to so many of us, whether that be the recordings on Stay Sparked or some people were sharing text messages that he shared because, you know, he passed and then people go back on their text thread and look at everything that they shared and pictures and all of that.
00:22:21
Speaker
And there was quite a few reflections of these really.
00:22:24
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kind, loving, wonderful text messages that people were recalling.
00:22:33
Speaker
And I was just considering how every interaction that we have is our legacy.
00:22:39
Speaker
Everything.
00:22:40
Speaker
And so recognizing that
00:22:44
Speaker
we were recording part of his legacy also means that we are recording our own legacy as well.
00:22:51
Speaker
And every message that we send to another person, it's, it's recorded.
00:22:59
Speaker
And so if I were to die tomorrow, what kind of messages do I leave behind?
00:23:04
Speaker
And so to continue to be even more mindful and aware around how I am communicating, how am I, um,
00:23:15
Speaker
moving through the world.
00:23:17
Speaker
And am I going to be projecting anger and frustration and resentments and judgments or am I going to hide?
00:23:25
Speaker
I notice actually, I don't know if it's because of spring, it's coming, but I also notice in his passing, I started to come out a little bit more of my shell because I've been a little more reclusive in the last few months.
00:23:38
Speaker
And his passing has really helped me to remember
00:23:41
Speaker
to stay connected and to reach out to my loved ones and to make an effort to be engaged in the communities because we need it.
00:23:48
Speaker
This world is got a lot going on.
00:23:51
Speaker
There's a lot of grief happening from people passing and from the state of the world and our connections to each other are vital.
00:24:02
Speaker
And the way that we connect to each other is vital as well.
00:24:05
Speaker
And so thank you, Yanus, for giving me that reminder to keep showing up in the best way that I can.
00:24:12
Speaker
Totally.
00:24:17
Speaker
Some people think of it as morbid.
00:24:18
Speaker
I think about it a lot of like, what do I want my legacy to be?
00:24:24
Speaker
What do I want the stories to be told?
00:24:27
Speaker
What do I want the people who have crossed paths with me?
00:24:30
Speaker
How do I want them to be better people, more loving people because of the ripples that my life put into them?
00:24:37
Speaker
And I think about the ways that the ripples that he put into me.
00:24:40
Speaker
And it's been so...
00:24:46
Speaker
My friendship, I think both of our friendships really got much deeper when we started doing this together.
00:24:54
Speaker
The origins, so we were social friends and continue to have beautiful conversations over the decade plus that we've known each other and had adventures together.
00:25:05
Speaker
But a little over two years ago, was at a party and for whatever reason, I kept getting in
00:25:16
Speaker
The conversations kept getting negative.
00:25:20
Speaker
It was a Halloween party.
00:25:22
Speaker
That's true.
00:25:22
Speaker
And the theme was dark energy, no fairies or bananas.
00:25:29
Speaker
No clowns.
00:25:30
Speaker
Nothing light.
00:25:31
Speaker
It was like only demons, dragons, and vampires allowed at this party.
00:25:36
Speaker
Right.
00:25:37
Speaker
So I was dressed as a ghoul.
00:25:38
Speaker
I actually painted my pink hair black and had horns.
00:25:41
Speaker
So the whole tone was dark.
00:25:43
Speaker
So maybe the conversations were really
00:25:49
Speaker
I was not feeling good.
00:25:50
Speaker
And then at the end of the party, I had, I think, separate conversations, one with you, Betsy, and one with Giannis.
00:25:59
Speaker
And each one, you guys took the world and just went, and it was beautiful.
00:26:10
Speaker
And I was like, whoa.
00:26:12
Speaker
Like,
00:26:14
Speaker
And then I reached out and said, hey, would you guys be up for having conversations like that and recording them and sharing them?
00:26:21
Speaker
And it was so funny because, you know, I think both of your reactions was like, I don't know how to do that.
00:26:30
Speaker
And then, of course, as soon as we started, you guys both crush it.
00:26:34
Speaker
But one of the other things is that when we...
00:26:39
Speaker
We didn't just like show up to an office and record a podcast.
Impact of Podcasting and Final Thoughts
00:26:45
Speaker
We would come together and hang out for 15 to 30 minutes, you know, and just talk and check in on our lives.
00:26:56
Speaker
And I was thinking about it like,
00:27:00
Speaker
Except for my partner, you guys are the people I spent more time with than anybody else over the last two years.
00:27:06
Speaker
And we knew the most about what's going on in our lives.
00:27:11
Speaker
And so the conversations that we shared
00:27:16
Speaker
they weren't performances, you know, they were conversations.
00:27:22
Speaker
And so as I've been going through these archives and it's such a treasure to hear his voice.
00:27:31
Speaker
And again, it's not like him giving a speech.
00:27:34
Speaker
It's our brother,
00:27:37
Speaker
you know, giggling as he's talking about some vanity thing that he just was embarrassed about or some stupid thing he did when he was a kid or what he learned from that.
00:27:47
Speaker
And it's just like, ah, it's so good.
00:27:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:52
Speaker
Well, I think that's beautiful to be able to give insight into the spark of Stay Sparked because it was based on conversations.
00:28:02
Speaker
That we were having gatherings that were uplifting and that when we left those gatherings after seeing each other, we felt better and inspired and kept thinking about the things we talked about.
00:28:14
Speaker
Hopefully people out there have those kinds of conversations with friends.
00:28:19
Speaker
We were lucky enough to have one of those people, you, Halcyon, knows how to make a podcast.
00:28:24
Speaker
And so the consistency of all three of us showing up to our friendship, to the service of bringing inspiration into the world through our conversations.
00:28:35
Speaker
That is that that guiding light let's stay inspired, how do we stay inspired in a modern world is what we first started calling this.
00:28:44
Speaker
And so what I want to bring it back home to also for our dear soul brother yon news is that the last year of his life was quite challenging.
00:28:56
Speaker
It was, I would feel safe to say, probably one of the hardest years of his life.
00:29:03
Speaker
And I am so grateful and honored that Stay Sparked was a spark for him and that we got to hold that spark for him.
00:29:14
Speaker
in a dark time and that we get to continue to hold that spark for him and honor his legacy and create space for others to come together and share in his honor as well as
00:29:29
Speaker
you alluded to at the beginning of this conversation is that we were so excited to do a remembering red moon, Yanu's red moon, as a way to bring some other voices of his friends and soul kin to share a little bit about their inspiration of who he was.
00:29:55
Speaker
Maybe that's a good place to come to a close here and final spark of just so much gratitude.
00:30:06
Speaker
So I'm so grateful for these conversations that we've had over the last two years and how much
00:30:19
Speaker
How, how, what a, what a beautiful, courageous human being that I feel so lucky to have shared so much time with and, and, and I'm a better man.
00:30:33
Speaker
I'm a better man because of, of him.
00:30:39
Speaker
I love that so much.
00:30:40
Speaker
Yes.
00:30:42
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:43
Speaker
I feel, uh,
00:30:45
Speaker
So much gratitude for this opportunity to get to harness the power of technology to share in these ways with our vulnerability, our authenticity, to get to commune with those of you out there that are listening.
00:31:03
Speaker
Maybe we've met, maybe we haven't, but there's a closeness that this brings and it
00:31:10
Speaker
It feels so good.
00:31:12
Speaker
And I'm so grateful to be able to transcend space and time in these ways by sharing our hearts and sharing our grief and sharing our love.
00:31:24
Speaker
And I hope that this conversation might spark you guys out there to follow your inspiration and don't hesitate because this is, this life is precious.
00:31:38
Speaker
know whenever anyone passes it's always that message just comes back again and again and again life is so precious every moment is such a gift and when we can really remember that this is this is temporary this is all temporary then hopefully we can make the most out of it even when things are challenging
00:32:00
Speaker
So thank you, Ahelcyon, for being a spark of inspiration here.
00:32:05
Speaker
And I'm excited to see what is born from this great loss of our recently departed Sparky.
00:32:16
Speaker
He's still with us in spirit form and something else is going to be born from this.
00:32:20
Speaker
I can feel it.
00:32:21
Speaker
It already is.
00:32:24
Speaker
So feel free to reach out to us, those of you out there.
00:32:27
Speaker
We love your messages.
00:32:31
Speaker
And I think we'll close it up with that.
00:32:34
Speaker
That's beautiful.
00:32:36
Speaker
Yeah, we love you, brother.
00:32:37
Speaker
Thank you, everyone who has been a part of receiving the ripples and spreading those ripples in the world.
00:32:43
Speaker
Thank you.
00:32:45
Speaker
I'll close it out with an affirmation.
00:32:48
Speaker
An affirmation of
00:32:52
Speaker
cherishing each and every moment.
00:32:54
Speaker
And so if you like, you can close your eyes and take a deep breath and affirm internally.
00:33:02
Speaker
I cherish this moment.
00:33:05
Speaker
I honor this life.
00:33:08
Speaker
I cherish this moment and I honor this life.
00:33:13
Speaker
I allow myself to feel all my fields that come along with great loss.
00:33:18
Speaker
I allow myself to feel all the fields that come along with great loss.
00:33:23
Speaker
And I allow death to be a teacher for me.
00:33:28
Speaker
I allow death to be a teacher for me.
00:33:32
Speaker
Thank you, life.
00:33:33
Speaker
Thank you, death.
00:33:39
Speaker
Always keep coming back to gratitude.
00:33:41
Speaker
So thanks, everybody.
00:33:42
Speaker
They spark people.
00:33:45
Speaker
Love you.
00:33:49
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked.
00:33:51
Speaker
We are three longtime friends who have been inspiring each other for over a decade, and we are here to share our conversations, aim to inspire and to light you up.
00:33:59
Speaker
So I am Yannis.