Transcript
Speaker: On today's episode, we talk about clear communication and how important it can be to avoid the pitfalls of misspeaking.
Speaker: We talk about different ways we've learned and stumbled along the way in our partnerships, in our businesses, and in friendships.
Speaker: Enjoy the episode.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to Stay Sparked.
Speaker: I'm Betsy Finkelhoo, the creator of the Power Affirmation Project and Somatic Bodyworker.
Speaker: I am John Halcyon, host of the Hug Nation YouTube channel and Heart Centered Men's Gatherings.
Speaker: We both are love ambassadors and longtime friends, veteran burners, and just here and inspiration to share conversations as a way that may light you up.
Speaker: And we always start every conversation with gratitude.
Speaker: So what are you grateful for today, Halcyon?
Speaker: I am feeling so grateful that the 18th annual Pink Ride happened at Burning Man this week without me.
Speaker: And it was led by three amazing people and veterans of the ride.
Speaker: It's something that, you know, I started 18 years ago and so grateful that it happened.
Speaker: I got some updates that went beautifully.
Speaker: And I got to participate with a friend on our pink bikes in San Diego.
Speaker: So there was...
Speaker: Pink bike riding all around the world filled with people spreading compliments and love.
Speaker: So, so grateful that it didn't have to die just because I wasn't at Burning Man.
Speaker: Amazing.
Speaker: Congratulations.
Speaker: Thanks.
Speaker: I will share my gratitude is for dahlias.
Speaker: I have these beautiful blooming dahlias in my garden and I have always wanted a dahlia garden and now I have it.
Speaker: So I'm very, very grateful for the beauty of flowers in my life right now.
Speaker: Dalias have the color blending hombres of dahlias are like nothing like it.
Speaker: I know they're breathtaking.
Speaker: I'm also really grateful for our sponsor, Lucid, a mushroom and nootropics yummy coffee drink or matcha if you like.
Speaker: And also a cocoa dream drink that I love so much.
Speaker: We're giving a shout out to our friends out there with Lucid.
Speaker: Becomelucid.com is where you can check out more of their products.
Speaker: And we're just so happy to be getting to drink it and share with you something that we love.
Speaker: So cheers.
Speaker: Well, all right.
Speaker: So I am excited to explore this conversation with you, Halcyon, because it's been on my mind.
Speaker: It's been on my heart.
Speaker: It is at the core of everything I think we do.
Speaker: And we're doing it right now, which is communicating.
Speaker: And we want to explore a conversation around how direct and clear communication can really provide a pathway for depth of connection and intimacy and how in our own personal journeys, we have maybe stumbled along the way to get to a place of seeing how important and valuable that is.
Speaker: And recently I've been kind of geeking out on it because I look back on my life and many people's lives I know and there was never really a class.
Speaker: You know, in high school, it's not like they taught.
Speaker: So here's how you communicate what your needs are.
Speaker: And here's what an I-based statement really looks like.
Speaker: Here's what you say when someone says they're struggling.
Speaker: Like that was not in the curriculum.
Speaker: And it's only now in relationships and in business and in, you know, community do I get to learn, we get to learn how to communicate in effective ways.
Speaker: And a lot of times, unfortunately, that comes from fumbling on our words.
Speaker: And so, yeah, I'd love to just start off with just an inquiry around how direct and clear communication for you has been and anything that's kind of sparking within your heart to share today.
Speaker: Yeah, it's such a critical piece of harmony in relationship and in growth in relationship and in building connection.
Speaker: And yet it's really something that you have to learn over time unless you were super blessed.
Speaker: Because, I mean, I remember growing up hearing all the time, like, they should know better, you know.
Speaker: They should know better.
Speaker: It's like, well, how would anybody know better?
Speaker: You know, nobody, there's this, we, it takes a long time, I think, to realize that
Speaker: You can never understand the way someone else's mind works.
Speaker: And yet we're constantly projecting the way we think onto others and assuming that people are seeing the way that we see it.
Speaker: So whether consciously or subconsciously, I can find myself judging someone because they don't have the vantage point or the perspective that I have in my head.
Speaker: And assumption, judgment, none of those things lead to good places.
Speaker: No, it just creates more disconnect.
Speaker: Yeah, I know.
Speaker: Not saying like, well, I can't read your mind.
Speaker: I wish I could, but I just can't.
Speaker: You know, and sometimes, yeah, I feel like, gosh, why can't everyone just read my mind?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And sometimes I mean, it's I am projecting into the other person's head, anticipating that they will be bothered or upset or offended by what I want or I'm asking.
Speaker: So I will talk around it or or soften what I really want or not even say it or because I'm afraid of.
Speaker: I'm not even giving them a chance to address or answer.
Speaker: I'm assuming that there might be some awkwardness.
Speaker: So I kind of subtly, I'm not lying, but I'm answering things in a way that's not quite direct.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Isn't that so funny?
Speaker: Yeah, I know the assumption that we think the other person is going to be burdened by our request is just such a trap.
Speaker: And I actually have a clear example where something like sparked and awakened inside of me when I saw I was doing that.
Speaker: Many years ago, I was vending and I was selling clothing and I shared a booth with this woman and we both had similar style of clothing that we were selling.
Speaker: But her price point was much higher than mine.
Speaker: And I was sort of kind of going along with this assumption when I would sell something to someone that every person wanted a deal.
Speaker: I just assumed that everyone was broke and they wanted things for cheap.
Speaker: And so when someone would ask me the price, I would kind of go...
Speaker: Well, it's $150, but I'll give it to you for $125, you know, just kind of assuming that they probably want it for less and then kind of discounting the value of what I was actually offering.
Speaker: And I didn't realize I was doing that until this woman I was vending with when this girl came over to buy something from her, which was much simpler to buy.
Speaker: design, a lot less work went into it.
Speaker: The value like technically was lower, but her price point was higher.
Speaker: And when the woman asked how much it was, she said very clearly, it's $150,000.
Speaker: And in my mind, I was like, wow.
Speaker: And the girl was like, OK, great.
Speaker: Here.
Speaker: I'm so grateful.
Speaker: And it was just this really beautiful modeling of confident, clear, direct answer with a period at the end.
Speaker: Not like, oh, what's 150 because I put a lot of time and energy and then this is da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Speaker: You know, so oftentimes we follow up with explanations or defenses or like reasons why.
Speaker: And there's something so powerful about just putting a period at the end of a statement.
Speaker: Oh, my gosh.
Speaker: I feel like we could do a whole episode on money related things like that.
Speaker: I mean, I absolutely in my head, the minute I am explaining a price to someone, I have a huge like a
Speaker: chorus of voices that I believe are on their side saying, well, I'm not sure it's worth that.
Speaker: Oh, but if I spend that, I'm going to have all this other hardship in my life.
Speaker: And if I, I'm struggling in so many ways, and this person is now asking for more money from me, making my life so hard.
Speaker: And so like, I'm, I'm, I'm anticipating all of this stuff.
Speaker: And so I, I totally hem and haw and go,
Speaker: Well, yeah, I can work with you on it.
Speaker: And in doing that, I'm hypnotizing them into thinking that my thing has less value.
Speaker: And also holding them in a lower place as well.
Speaker: That's also saying I actually affirm your scarcity mindset.
Speaker: And I'm going to enable you to continue to live in a scarcity mindset by not giving you the full value or believing that you could actually pay for it.
Speaker: You know, and I think that's relevant for so many different conversations in friendships, in relationships.
Speaker: You know, how do we hold people higher than what we, you know, maybe tend to judge?
Speaker: And how do we catch ourselves when we're projecting upon someone else and dancing around something and assuming that they are going to respond in a certain way?
Speaker: Like, I don't want to ask for this because I don't want to be a burden.
Speaker: But really, when we can get more confident within ourselves and recognize that I actually have a need here and I am worthy to ask for that specific need with clarity and trust, I
Speaker: That the other person is sovereign and confident within themselves to be able to say yes or no.
Speaker: And know that I can trust myself to not take it personally if they're going to say no.
Speaker: That's big work.
Speaker: That's really big.
Speaker: And it takes a lot of practice to be able to have that level of confidence and grace in those kinds of dynamics.
Speaker: And I think that's a building trust process that you go through with relationships.
Speaker: And I know that, you know, in my early months with Lisa, we would say, like, after an ask, like,
Speaker: A no is acceptable.
Speaker: I really want to know if this is something that you're be willing to do.
Speaker: Like, I really don't want you to say yes if you don't want to.
Speaker: And so that we could kind of start to trust each other, because if you can trust that someone will say no and there'll be no hard feelings, then you can start to ask for things that might be a little edgy, knowing that it's not going to be disruptive simply by asking.
Speaker: But if you do have the ask out there, you might end up getting exactly what you want.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: I've been really so inspired by how asking for what we need with clarity and direct, like just direct request is so powerful because I've learned from the opposite of going like, well, I kind of, I think I need that.
Speaker: And maybe it would be really nice if, you know, but that's so wishy-washy.
Speaker: And if I
Speaker: I actually got to practice that recently where I said very clearly to my partner, hey, I know you have a lot going on right now.
Speaker: And I actually have a need for some extra quality time and TLC this afternoon or this evening.
Speaker: Is that something that you have capacity for?
Speaker: And if not, no worries.
Speaker: Just let me know.
Speaker: And it was like, whoa, okay, I got to be really clear and direct while honoring where he might be at.
Speaker: And like giving him an opportunity to say no, but also letting him know very clearly what my need was for a couple of hours.
Speaker: Very specific.
Speaker: TLC.
Speaker: Very specific.
Speaker: It's so, so important.
Speaker: I mean, I am still a recovering people pleaser.
Speaker: And so I have a history of saying yes to things that I maybe didn't really want to or saying yes before I even think about it.
Speaker: And so I've developed a practice now of making a pause between my experiences
Speaker: instinct to react with a whatever you want.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: You know, I had a clubhouse reserved for an event I'm doing and someone reached out and said, hey, how long do you need it?
Speaker: You know, it'd be awesome if I could use it that day during these hours.
Speaker: And I thought
Speaker: I thought it would be okay with me, but my first instinct was to be like, I'll find another solution.
Speaker: Yeah, you're fine.
Speaker: Go, yeah, take it.
Speaker: And I was like, let me, you know what, can you ask me again in 24 hours and I'll see if I can make arrangements.
Speaker: And it turned out I didn't need it.
Speaker: I was able to give it to him.
Speaker: But knowing myself, I have to now have these practices of like,
Speaker: I'll answer you in 24 hours because I know that I can be guilty of not being clear with my yeses and my no's because of that desire to please.
Speaker: And that's powerful, Halcyon, to be able to pause, to take a moment and go, let me actually think about that and really give yourself the opportunity to breathe and know that the other person, they're okay with that.
Speaker: It's okay.
Speaker: And they'll let you know if they need an immediate answer.
Speaker: I was just listening to the Gene Keys, actually.
Speaker: So for those of you who don't know, the Gene Keys highly recommend this book and the system.
Speaker: And there was something in there about that on the 38th Gene Key.
Speaker: And when we are able to pause and breathe, then that can help us to reduce the struggle and we can move more towards perfection, I think was the city in there.
Speaker: But really, how often can
Speaker: We're just moving so fast and feel like we have to give someone an answer and respond right away.
Speaker: And then that creates shortness of breath and stress.
Speaker: And then maybe sometimes we give the yes or the no and we actually meant something else.
Speaker: But we were too busy to actually create that time to just breathe into what my decision was.
Speaker: Yeah, I know I've stumbled in those places.
Speaker: So thank you for naming that.
Speaker: To be able to get really clear about what my yes is and my no is sometimes takes a little bit of time.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, it's one of the reasons I rarely answer the phone because I have a tendency, if I rapidly go from whatever I'm thinking about to responding to someone on the phone and they have an ask of me, I'm
Speaker: I know myself, I tend to not have, I want to please.
Speaker: And so I will agree to things or say, I'll do so.
Speaker: I will call someone back when I am grounded and can shift into, okay, let me be in a place of listening and pausing before I respond.
Speaker: Because, you know, it's like,
Speaker: The goal of growing is to try to make those spaces between stimulus and reaction, you know, so that we can, oh, this is, I know what my young, patterned, often trauma-influenced response is, because that's what I do all the time.
Speaker: So how can I start to...
Speaker: make spaces so that the instinctual response doesn't happen and I can then respond from a higher version of myself.
Speaker: Which could be the same thing, but often it's a little bit wiser.
Speaker: Yeah, well, maybe a little more confident, a little more clear from that place of breath.
Speaker: You know, I hear you say, how can I make more spaciousness within myself to be able to have a confident response?
Speaker: That's essentially it, right?
Speaker: And so a breath always creates spaciousness.
Speaker: Whether it's one breath or, you know, a thousand breaths till the next day or however many to really give a little bit of breathing room to allow for that deeper knowing of what I truly need and want or how I'm able to show up for you.
Speaker: And then how do we actually give that space to others as well and kind of take the pressure off and learn how to ask for that breath, learn how to be really clear, like, hey, I actually I need a moment.
Speaker: I will respond to you and I care about you, but I actually need a moment.
Speaker: Let me really sit with this.
Speaker: And I have, we have a good friend, actually, Nicole.
Speaker: Give a little shout out to Nicole out there.
Speaker: She's been a role model for me in a lot of ways.
Speaker: And one of the things I noticed that she does in our communications is if I'm, if I ask her a question, she pauses.
Speaker: And I wait.
Speaker: And I really love that because she then answers with so much more clarity.
Speaker: She's not like so fast to respond.
Speaker: And I find that that has been such a teacher for me to really honor that
Speaker: in listening to someone, giving them patience to give what they're offering is really a value.
Speaker: You know, and I really love when people do that with me.
Speaker: Someone asks me a question, then I can really be with it for a moment and discern around what I want to share rather than just being so quick to answer.
Speaker: And that has helped me so much in communications with people around what do I actually want to share right now?
Speaker: Because
Speaker: You know, if I'm talking with someone, it might only be a 20 minutes that I get with someone or five minutes.
Speaker: And there's billions of things that I could share.
Speaker: But what's going to be the most aligned for this conversation or this project or this task or this relationship in the moment?
Speaker: And that comes from really staying centered and moving at a pace that feels really good.
Speaker: So I'm having all these sparks because you just used the word a confident response.
Speaker: And that so resonates because it's the...
Speaker: young, deep unworthiness that wants to people please, you know, and that is the reactive that that doesn't feel like who I am.
Speaker: And so but that part of me can respond.
Speaker: And so it is it is when I can pause that I am in that place of self-awareness and confidence that I can say, actually, I'm unavailable for that.
Speaker: Or that's I don't have or even just like, no, I will not be there.
Speaker: Period.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: There's something so beautiful about having that confidence and that grace to be able to especially say no.
Speaker: There's actually a whole section in one of my favorite books called Essentialism.
Speaker: And it is how to live an essentialist life.
Speaker: And one of the whole sections is about how do we say no.
Speaker: My mom always says one of the best ways you can say no is with a period at the end.
Speaker: And I think it's really worth researching if we haven't had a training in how to say no to someone with grace and with kindness and without being harsh.
Speaker: Because there is something really powerful about being able to be clear within ourselves and still be kind.
Speaker: Well, it's important to get over the false belief that being kind means smooth, good feelings no matter what.
Speaker: Because if we want to be kind and we want good feelings no matter what, we can be dishonest.
Speaker: We can say...
Speaker: Yeah, maybe I might be able to make it when really we're not going to make it.
Speaker: We're not going to go.
Speaker: Or you might say, I kind of like going to the symphony.
Speaker: Sure, I'll go.
Speaker: When you really don't want to go.
Speaker: And then this other person is now basing their life and their decision on the assumption that you're telling them the truth and you're not.
Speaker: And so the kind thing in that situation or the loving thing is to have, say,
Speaker: I don't want to go to the symphony.
Speaker: And there might be this moment of like, but I love the symphony.
Speaker: But on the other side of that moment is this, okay, I trust you to tell me the truth.
Speaker: And that goes so much farther over time.
Speaker: So much farther.
Speaker: And to open up a conversation too.
Speaker: I actually don't really like the symphony, but I can tell you really do.
Speaker: So is there a way that we can find a win-win?
Speaker: You know, that's like opens up a whole other empowering conversation.
Speaker: Yeah, I try to be really clear in my text communications, too.
Speaker: Like I have actively been omitting the word sorry from any and all text that says like, sorry for not being able to make it.
Speaker: Um, you know, like that's nice, but I like to just kind of really be mindful around that word and other words as well and modifying like, hey, thank you so much for the invitation.
Speaker: And I hope it went really well.
Speaker: I had other plans or it was better for me to stay home.
Speaker: You know, I look forward to the next one, for example.
Speaker: And I think that that's really helpful.
Speaker: That's been it's been really helpful for me to be able to pay attention to the ways that I'm communicating, especially via text.
Speaker: And then also to kind of like weave in something that I've been really inspired by lately.
Speaker: Another shout out to a really amazing girlfriend of mine, Amy.
Speaker: She is so good at being able to respond to the things that I'm sharing to let me know I'm heard.
Speaker: And I acknowledge her for this because I don't think that that's a real big training that has, you know, been given to many of us.
Speaker: When someone shares something, especially when something might be difficult or positive, there's this thing that happens that's a mirroring that is an art form.
Speaker: You know, to let someone really know that they're heard when they're opening up.
Speaker: I think that I know personally for me, it invites me to continue to open up and be vulnerable.
Speaker: And then also I watch that with other friends.
Speaker: If I offer back, like, wow, I hear that must have been really challenging for you.
Speaker: You know, and then something else opens up.
Speaker: You know, I have this experience with my mom too.
Speaker: I just get to practice.
Speaker: Wow, wow, what else...
Speaker: happened or what was that like for you?
Speaker: How did that make you feel?
Speaker: And then that really creates a space for more depth and more intimacy.
Speaker: And you and I were talking before we started recording, which I'd love to just mention out here too.
Speaker: It's like, where's the training in the handbook that says, Hey, if you're, if you know, someone shares something really hard,
Speaker: or painful or challenging, what's an appropriate response to help them?
Speaker: And you said something really awesome, which was asking, like, wow, I hear that.
Speaker: And how can my response right now be most supportive to you?
Speaker: Would you like me to reflect back to what I'm hearing?
Speaker: Do you want empathy or would you like some advice?
Speaker: I think you said it a little differently.
Speaker: The...
Speaker: male classroom 101 if you could if you can remember to say babe do you need to be heard right now or are you looking for solutions like and if it's be heard then you can basically read from a script i mean you ideally you're feeling and thinking it too but if you just say some version of that sounds like that sounds really hard
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: That sounds hard.
Speaker: Ouch.
Speaker: Or like my friend once says, she says, sometimes you can just say, ouch, ouch.
Speaker: Oh, that really sounds like it's painful.
Speaker: Tell me what else.
Speaker: Is there anything else?
Speaker: And also then having really clear discernment around what our capacity is to understand.
Speaker: That's what I've been learning with my partner because we both are like, we want to hold space for each other, but sometimes our capacity gets full.
Speaker: And then knowing when to speak to that, like still give compassionate care and empathy, but then also taking care of ourself.
Speaker: You know, like, wow, that sounds so hard.
Speaker: And I really care about you and I'm here for you.
Speaker: And I just want to let you know, I have like a lot spinning in my head too.
Speaker: And I actually have to get somewhere soon.
Speaker: So I have, I have like five minutes to hold you.
Speaker: Would that work for you?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like, oh, OK.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Thank you so much for letting me know what your capacity is.
Speaker: I think practicing ways of saying like I'm unavailable or I'm not at my best.
Speaker: That's something I will sometimes like I used to not quite be aware that I was just irritable.
Speaker: And now I will often say, Lisa, I'm just, I'm not at my best right now.
Speaker: And so it's like, okay, cool.
Speaker: Well, then she knows that if I am quiet or I'm stomping around the house, it's nothing that she did.
Speaker: It's just like, I'm aware of it.
Speaker: We're both aware of it.
Speaker: Everything's fine.
Speaker: I'm just doing my thing, you know.
Speaker: Wow, that's that's amazing.
Speaker: I'm gonna put that one in my back pocket.
Speaker: Yeah, like, hey, I just want to give you insight.
Speaker: Hey, I'm not at my best right now.
Speaker: It has nothing to do with you.
Speaker: And I just need a little time and a little space.
Speaker: And if there's a moment you feel me crabby and crunchy and not responding to you in a loving sort of way, then I invite you to come over and hug me.
Speaker: Or, or if I'm crunchy, like, can you just leave me alone for a while?
Speaker: We had a moment this week, and Lisa let me know that she was going through some stuff, and I was like, I'm available for silent hugs, or do you want to talk anything through, or I can love you from afar.
Speaker: So that's something that I'm trying to learn, is how to...
Speaker: be connected without while giving space.
Speaker: You know, that's like I'm an infant, but I think that's an important classroom.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Well, and also recognizing when your partner needs the space or we're projecting that we think they need space.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's our goal.
Speaker: Speaking of projecting, so that's something that we have been really practicing lately.
Speaker: And it's based on a Brene Brown practice of,
Speaker: noticing when you are creating a narrative back to what we're talking about earlier of like, you're kind of assuming what someone else is thinking.
Speaker: And so saying like, I'm having a story right now.
Speaker: Can I share what it is?
Speaker: Like, Oh, I'm having a story that because I didn't do this.
Speaker: And, and then you had this reaction that you were actually kind of irked at me because I didn't do that, you know?
Speaker: And nine times out of 10, it's like,
Speaker: this is all new to me you know it's all in your head yeah and so it's like oh because i could have spent a lot of brain loops whipping through that and repeating it and i mean i sometimes between just in the time before i have a chance to ask say hey i'm having this story i'll be shocked how much energy i spend worrying that she's upset about something you know but it's like i'm
Speaker: I hear the story and you're like, oh, and then sometimes it's like, actually, actually, I'm having a little bit of a struggle with this thing that's going on.
Speaker: And then you can talk about it from a place of, hey, we both want to alleviate these bad feelings.
Speaker: So how can that how can we do that?
Speaker: Mm hmm.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, gosh, what a practice.
Speaker: What a practice.
Speaker: It's kind of like the school that we are in right now is in relationship.
Speaker: You know, communication school.
Speaker: NVC has been a major gift in my life, and it's a very dynamic practice, but also can be simplified.
Speaker: You know, needs-based communication, nonviolent communication, practices to be able to speak from an I statement rather than you.
Speaker: And that's a tricky one, too, to catch.
Speaker: My partner and I have been really working towards calling ourselves out or each other when there's a finger pointed.
Speaker: You always.
Speaker: But you said and you did.
Speaker: And when you did that, you know, that is gearing up for defense.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so anytime I point my finger at you, then it's just natural.
Speaker: The other person is going to want to defend.
Speaker: And when we speak from my own personal, I am feeling really overwhelmed and I'm feeling really frustrated.
Speaker: Or I have a need for connection right now and I'm feeling really disconnected.
Speaker: Or I have a need for just slowing down.
Speaker: I have a need for co-regulation.
Speaker: I have a need for shared reality.
Speaker: And sometimes those needs are not being met.
Speaker: And how do we communicate from that place?
Speaker: And then the other thing I'll share on that is I recently took a little conflict resolution workshop and
Speaker: And that just popped up on my page.
Speaker: And so I was like, well, let's see what this is about.
Speaker: And one of the cool things I took from that is the guy said, omit the word like from the statement, I feel.
Speaker: So oftentimes we say, I feel like.
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: And usually what follows that is some kind of thought or usually projection.
Speaker: I feel like you never show up on time or I feel like I'm doing the bulk of the work or I feel like you dot dot dot, you know, and it's not actually gearing up for an emotion to be revealed.
Speaker: And so when we reduce or we omit the word like from that statement, then the emotion can show up.
Speaker: So it might say instead of I feel like you're late all the time, I might say I feel stressed and overwhelmed because I value being on time.
Speaker: Would you be willing to meet me there?
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Or I feel overwhelmed because I'm doing so many chores.
Speaker: Can we work on this together?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So different.
Speaker: So different.
Speaker: Yeah, that plays into the goal that I really try to work into.
Speaker: If you're not met in some way and you've got to communicate it, make it so that the other person can be the hero and don't turn them into the villain.
Speaker: Because if I feel like you aren't doing enough, then they're the villain and they can defend themselves.
Speaker: If you say, I feel overwhelmed, then...
Speaker: Now there's an opportunity for them to be the hero and help you.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: Everybody would probably be the hero.
Speaker: Totally.
Speaker: If I hear someone that I care about deeply saying they're overwhelmed, then naturally my sense is to be like, hey, I'm right here.
Speaker: I got you.
Speaker: Like, let's do this together.
Speaker: But it's important to be aware that your brain doesn't want to do that.
Speaker: Your brain wants to blame, you know?
Speaker: So, like, you really have to start to continually remind yourself that your brain really can't be trusted, especially if it's dysregulated.
Speaker: If it's upset in any way, we tend to be defensive.
Speaker: We tend to blame.
Speaker: And so if you can, again, those pauses, if you can put that pause and be like, ah,
Speaker: Okay, I'm reacting in one of those ways.
Speaker: What I really want is help.
Speaker: The way to get that help is to make sure they can be the hero, which means I need to take out the like and say it.
Speaker: Okay, now it's the truth.
Speaker: It's just not corrupted by all of our bad patterns and ickiness that can happen.
Speaker: Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Rewiring, repatterning our communication and self-awareness, huge.
Speaker: You know, to be able to pause in a moment and say, oh, I'm noticing I'm feeling defensive.
Speaker: And I wonder if this defensiveness is being caused by something that you said.
Speaker: So would you be willing to maybe reframe what you just said?
Speaker: That might help me right now.
Speaker: That's a hard thing to do.
Speaker: Because naturally, we're just going to be like, I'm the right one and I didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker: You know, and like, oh, wait a second.
Speaker: Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker: Where's that defense coming from?
Speaker: Like, oh, OK, let's let's give you another chance to like check in or vice versa.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Because if I'm pointing my finger at you, then I have another opportunity to actually come back into my own self and reorganize my thinking, reorganize my expression, which, again, it's not an easy thing to do, but it takes training.
Speaker: Especially when we're in a fight or flight, for example, or some kind of overwhelm, stressful situations.
Speaker: And so that's why it takes practice.
Speaker: And I think like we'll probably get to a place of being able to wrap it up here.
Speaker: And I think I'll just use this as my closing spark.
Speaker: One of the most important things that we can do for our relationships is fine tune the way that we speak to ourselves and to other people.
Speaker: It is so valuable.
Speaker: It is such a gift to have self-awareness of our words because our words are our wand.
Speaker: As Florence Scovelshin says, our words are our wand.
Speaker: They have the power to create and they also have the power to destroy.
Speaker: And so when we can really be so clear and so direct with ourselves and with other people, then it's such a gift.
Speaker: And it really, I think the more that we can practice being aware of, we still start to notice how frequently we fall into patterns and thoughts that it's not really what we want.
Speaker: Like, oh, well, I'm way too attached to wanting to be right right now.
Speaker: Like, that's actually not... I want harmony in the future, but in this moment, like, I'm grabbing hold of it.
Speaker: Like, I gotta be right.
Speaker: So how can I phrase this in a way where I get to where I want to go?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: My closing spark is...
Speaker: Recognizing and communicating with the people in relationships with the goal and the objective of growing in this way.
Speaker: And recognizing that we both want to be better and we want to be communicating clear.
Speaker: And part of that is...
Speaker: in thanking the other person when they do one of these things, you know, like the other night when Lisa said, hey, I'm having this story.
Speaker: And we, at the end of it, you know, I was like, thank you so much for saying that.
Speaker: Thank you for having the courage to bring that in and letting us deal with it, you know, or thank you for, sometimes I'll hear something and my first reaction is defensiveness.
Speaker: And on the other side of it, I'm like,
Speaker: Thank you for trusting me enough to say the thing that was hard for us to deal with.
Speaker: And that builds this culture of we are on a team and our objective is closeness and connection.
Speaker: And we're willing to have some bumps and bruises along the way because we know what's on the other side.
Speaker: And it means a lot to hear from the other person.
Speaker: That was hard and I know it.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Gratitude, acknowledgement, it goes a long way.
Speaker: As you know, as you have been holding gratitude circles for so long now, so maybe with that can be a transition is how can people find you, Halcyon?
Speaker: I am at lifestudent.com.
Speaker: You can find links to my men's groups, my t-shirt shop, and my daily broadcasts online, lifestudent.com.
Speaker: Amazing.
Speaker: Beautiful.
Speaker: And you can find me at finklehoo.com.
Speaker: That's my last name.
Speaker: F-I-N-K-E-L-H-O-O.com.
Speaker: Lots of different offerings.
Speaker: I am a hummingbird of sorts.
Speaker: I love getting to touch people.
Speaker: a way that helps their nervous system relax and to restore.
Speaker: I love facilitation of women's groups and I love to co-facilitate retreats and ceremonies.
Speaker: I just did a blessing way.
Speaker: I'm about to hold a retreat in September, really excited about.
Speaker: And then also I love getting to share the Power Affirmation Project, which is
Speaker: Tools for transformation of your mindset.
Speaker: So the journal helps you rewire, reprogram, and refocus your thinking.
Speaker: And then the cards are daily inspiration.
Speaker: So you can find all that on my website too.
Speaker: Amazing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So in the spirit of... Affirmations.
Speaker: Affirmations.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: How about some affirmations that focus on communication or throat chakra?
Speaker: Yeah?
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: You can speak this one out loud or you're welcome to just think it in your mind.
Speaker: I speak with clear and direct communication.
Speaker: I speak with clear and direct communication.
Speaker: I speak with clarity.
Speaker: I speak with directness.
Speaker: My words are powerful.
Speaker: My words are powerful.
Speaker: I am an integrity with the way I speak to myself and others.
Speaker: I am an integrity with the way I speak to myself and to others.
Speaker: My voice matters.
Speaker: My voice matters.
Speaker: My voice matters.
Speaker: My voice matters.
Speaker: My voice matters.
Speaker: May you continue to sing songs affirming your beautiful voice and your expression in the world.
Speaker: Thank you so much for having this conversation, Halcyon.
Speaker: Thank you all for listening.
Speaker: Love you, Betsy.
Speaker: Love you all.
Speaker: Stay sparked.
Speaker: Find us on Instagram at stay sparked and leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts.
Speaker: Thanks so much for helping us spread these sparks.
Speaker: Stay Spark friends.
