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"Tips for Socializing" #95 (✨SPARKLE SNACK)
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In this Sparkle Snack episode of Stay Sparked, John Halcyon (Hug Nation) and Betsy Finkel (Power Affirmation Project) explore socializing, awkwardness, and simple tools for feeling more relaxed and confident in social situations.
If parties, networking events, or even casual gatherings tend to spark anxiety or self-doubt, this conversation offers gentle, practical strategies to help you break the ice and stay grounded—without pretending to be someone you’re not.
Together, they share:
- Easy “pocket stories” and specific questions to spark meaningful conversation
- How to steer conversations away from small talk and toward genuine connection
- Mindfulness tools for calming the nervous system in social environments
- Why curiosity and listening are more powerful than performing
- Letting go of self-judgment, social labels, and the fear of being “awkward”
- The surprising power of honesty and self-compassion in social moments
This episode is a reminder that social ease is a learnable skill, not a personality trait—and that connection gets easier when we stop auditioning and start being present.
✨☕ This episode is sponsored by www.BecomeLucid.com Lucid is a functional mushroom and nootropic brand designed to fuel mental clarity, focus, and long-term brain health. Their flagship product is a premium mushroom coffee blend infused with clinically studied nootropics—crafted to deliver clean energy without the crash.
✨🎶 MASSIVE Thank you to Dub Sutra for their beautiful opening music. Check out their incredible music catalogue online. https://dubsutra.com
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Transcript
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked. This is a Sparkle Snack, a shorter episode with a specific topic to get you sparked. I am John Halcyon. I am the host of the Hug Nation YouTube channel.
00:00:17
Speaker
And I'm Betsy Finkel, who is the creator of the Power Affirmation Project and Somatic Bodyworker. And today we were going to talk about socializing and some tips or tactics and how to maybe break the ice if it's something that is difficult for you. I know I talk to a lot of people who are socially awkward. Yeah.
00:00:42
Speaker
Exactly. Or at least they have in a perception that they are. And so don't enjoy socializing or have anxiety going into social situations. And i think there are some like little tips and little kind of mindsets that can really alleviate some of that awkwardness.
00:01:04
Speaker
Absolutely. I'm excited to talk to you about this. But first, let's start it off with gratitude. What are you grateful for today, Halcyon? I am grateful for the the season in San Diego right now where it is sunny, but not too warm and not too cold. It's like perfect Goldilocks weather. I love it this time of year. um Yeah.
00:01:33
Speaker
What do you get before? I'll share my gratitude for the freezing temperatures here. There's actually a lot of cool things about freezing temps. Did you know that you can put your blankets and pillows out on freezing temps and it kills dust mites?
00:01:47
Speaker
I'm so grateful for freezing temperatures for that. It's weird, but I haven't had it in and a lot of a lot of years. And so I actually am really enjoying the cold temperature. Well, I'm happy for you that you get to have the cold temperature.
00:02:02
Speaker
Thank you. This episode is brought to you by Lucid, the nootropic and functional mushroom beverage that is delicious. We both have been enjoying it for years. We love the, or I will say, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I love the cocoa in the evening and the coffee beverage in In the morning as a alternate to coffee, i also really like it when if I'm deciding to kind of wean off coffee, lucid is my go-to beverage to make sure I don't get headaches and I can stay super engaged.
00:02:37
Speaker
o I actually brought some lucid cocoa to a holiday gathering and offered it as a hot chocolate beverage for adults. And it's not the like highly processed sugary stuff. There's no sugar. And so, yeah, love lucid. Thank you, lucid. Thank you um So where are the the.
00:03:00
Speaker
things that I have was taught a long time ago is that if you go to a social event, always have a pocket story. So have something that has happened to you recently that you've maybe mentioned to somebody and they thought it was interesting. And so just have that as some detail from your week that is interesting that you just bring up.
00:03:22
Speaker
So as you're sitting there sipping your lucid or whatever your beverage is, and you're just kind of like staring at each other at at the gathering, you go, Oh, did you know that if you try to adopt a dog and, you know, have no ID, they won't let you do it?
00:03:36
Speaker
Or, I don't know. Yeah. Just something, you And by having a little story or something that's happened to you that week that's interesting, it at least can keep you from swaying your hands and going, so how about those padres, you know, or or foreign. But oh, how you been? Yeah. How's the hands? It's so been so hot lately.
00:04:02
Speaker
know. Yeah, wow. Looks like you lost some weight. Awkward. Super awkward. Yeah, what are some things that we can combat awkwardness? Which is real. It's so real. So I love that. A pocket story or pocket question.
00:04:18
Speaker
Keep handss up pockets full of stories and questions to pull out in those sort of in-between moments where you're trying to engage or break the ice. um I love personally specific types of questions that help to elicit conversation versus something very broad. Like, so how have you been?
00:04:38
Speaker
Or what's been going on for you? Those kinds of questions are so broad that it can be a little overwhelming and intimidating, especially if you only have a short time with someone. So I like to have specific ones like, so have you traveled anywhere new since I've seen you? Or are you working on any creative projects lately? yeah Like what's been lighting you up or someone as a kid, what's your kid been getting into lately? And that usually like kind of gets some of like the juices going.
00:05:10
Speaker
Yeah, I recently said, like, what's something you've been putting creative energy into? And there was this pause, pause, pause. And they said, I'm learning Spanish. And that started of this awesome conversation about the creative process of language. And and i think the key to having a question like that is that you're choosing...
00:05:31
Speaker
where you want to connect. One of the complaints I hear from people is like, I don't like going to parties because I'm allergic to small talk or I hate small talk. Like, well, hey, you know how you can avoid small talk?
00:05:42
Speaker
steer the conversation exactly where you want it to go. So you if you have a question that will lead people to a place that you like to be, do that. Yeah. If you like to go deep with people, then create the space to go there. Obviously, there are some subtle nuances around that. Like you want to make sure that the container is not like too crazy, right You want to lead into some depth, right? Break the ice and then go deeper. But um yeah, I think it's really valuable to be able to know how to steer a conversation in a way that is fulfilling to both.
00:06:14
Speaker
um The other one I wanted to add in here too is around combating social anxiety is mindfulness practices. So like one of the my favorite ones when I go into an environment, especially if there's already a lot of people there,
00:06:29
Speaker
Or even if there's not a lot of people there, if I'm with early ones, either way, it can be sort of awkward because you if there's a lot of people, it's like, ah o where do I go? How do I start saying? Do I say hi to everyone? Do I say to oh hi to this one person? There's a lot of music. There's people. i have things on my hands. ah It can create all kinds of feelings versus going somewhere and you're like,
00:06:51
Speaker
the first people there and you're like so i guess i'll just stand here what do i do with my hands you know you know that feeling right so mindfulness is a really great practice in those moments and one of my favorites is using environmental awareness and so right away checking the environment Looking around at the lighting, looking around at the decor, noticing the texture of the floor, noticing ah the smells in the room, and coming from a place of just pure observation. And, you know, some people are more sensitive to others, of course, where if there's blue lights, for example, it can be a little overwhelming. um But make sure, you know, you have what you need to be able to find the sweet spot in the environment.
00:07:39
Speaker
You know, if you walk in and it's really loud in one spot, then using my awareness to find the places in the environment that are suitable to my audit auditory needs.
00:07:51
Speaker
Right. So like, have you ever gone to a loud party and walk around the entire space until you find that sweet spot where the music is just right? Yeah. That can just make your whole nervous system settle.
00:08:04
Speaker
Yeah. I went to something recently where I was struggling and I was like, oh, there's an outdoor area. Ah, it's not quite so loud. now Right. Exactly. Yeah. And then the other thing is to um one of my favorite tools is having some kind of interactive something to get to share, which you're really going to you always bring stickers.
00:08:27
Speaker
Or like cards or some kind of physical thing to bring out in a moment to share or show, like a little show and tell.
00:08:39
Speaker
It kind of like brings the focus onto something. Yeah. sounds so it's it's I now have a whole like ah tackle box filled with stickers. And i I tell people, I'm going to do your reading with stickers. And I flip through it and try to find a sticker that's perfect for them. But but having, i mean, the one reason why I did that, it's it's really a Burning Man influence practice of how can you, what what are some tools and tactics to make an interaction magical?
00:09:08
Speaker
and make it in make it so that it's more meaningful than just ah to people crossing paths. it's it's a If you can gift in any way, that's a physical gift. But if you can gift in terms of your attention and think about it in those terms, it's super helpful. And so let me take a step back to that, which is I, for you know many years, was making sure I was several drinks in when I would go to social events. And as that was my tactic for for social anxiety.
00:09:38
Speaker
um And so I've really been working with social anxiety since stopping drinking. And a couple of things that have been really helpful. One is as I approach a place, um really try to spend some time preemptively being aware of my thoughts and and and preemptively saying, place.
00:09:59
Speaker
let's try to be a good listener today. Because if I don't do that, I so i can easily fall into trying to to give people what they want, you know, and try to be what I think people want to be. And and tried to and and once I fall into that, now I'm like in this constant state of auditioning that I could be failing at at any moment. Whereas if if i if I preemptively go, you don't need to do that.
00:10:24
Speaker
No one is judging you. No one cares about that. You're just there to, if you want, meet people. So be curious and listen. It really has been helpful to snap me out of losing my footing and then kind of get falling into a ah trying to what what should I be doing mindset that is never fun.
00:10:46
Speaker
That's powerful. That's powerful awareness to know what your sort of mechanisms are for dealing with social anxiety. And over-talking is definitely one. To fill the space because I feel uncomfortable. So I'm just going to talk, talk, talk, talk talk talk talkck talkct little little that because i can't I can't feel comfortable if someone else isn't talking. And to be able to have that awareness and go, you know what, I think I'm just going to set the intention and to do more listening today and let myself be in a different space rather than filling that space. And then also being so self-aware to notice those little internal or external cues for when that might happen. You know, like whether that is to like talking a lot or going to grab a drink or whatever it might be. So that's really powerful to shift from that place of self-awareness.
00:11:43
Speaker
Yeah. And there's also that this that the general understanding that nobody is thinking about you as much as you're thinking about yourself. You know, and and if you can remember that before a social situation, then at for me, it really can ah diffuse a lot of anxiety when you're like, oh, yeah.
00:12:04
Speaker
Actually, nobody cares, really, what I'm wearing. No one no one cares that I've got a pimple on my nose. Nobody cares that this outfit is what ah is not totally along with the theme or whatever whatever story I'm in. It's like... It's so loud in my head, but really not in anybody else's. Nobody else really is noticing. You know, I got to give a little pep talk to an 11-year-old recently before going into a large social environment.
00:12:33
Speaker
And it was kind of a spontaneous pep talk um because, you know, I've been in a social environment with him before. And I've noticed how, you especially if there's a lot of adults, And then they come up to him and they try to talk to him and he kind of like looks down and is a little like awkward. So I decided to give him some some little tools to practice. And it worked. He did so great. um And so once we started talking, like, OK, what are some things that might happen, like possible scenarios? OK, what happens if um ah a large old man comes over to you and says, hey, kiddo, what you been up to? What what are some answers?
00:13:15
Speaker
You know, and he would just start to practice. And I said, okay, well, what would happen if like some lady comes over to you and is like, oh, hello, good to see you. What do you say? How do you say something more than just thanks?
00:13:29
Speaker
How do you create the loop of connection? And why is that important? So we we practice a few different things like, hey, what's going on with you? You know, he's like, I've been really good. I've been playing a lot of soccer lately.
00:13:44
Speaker
Or maybe you could ask a question. So so did you help put this party together? you know, how have you tried the food yet? You know, these little things. Right. And for an 11 year old, that was big.
00:13:57
Speaker
And he did it. And we talked about the why under underneath that. And I think it's really valuable to talk about because social connections are the glue.
00:14:08
Speaker
for our world. And relationships are some of the highest currency that we can have. At the end of our life, it's not about how much money we had. It's about how much we loved and how our relationships either fulfilled or drained us, right? Relationships are so important. They're such a valuable thing. And so when we can learn how to actually connect with people, it's it can be life-changing. And so these very simple ways of engagement are such a gift.
00:14:40
Speaker
Yeah. And, may It's also, i think, probably the most marketable skill that you can have is being able to be friendly and socialize. There's almost no jobs that at some level you're not going to be better at it if you can be friendly and have a get a conversation going with coworkers and clients and vendors and anyone. Because the other side of every...
00:15:11
Speaker
business interaction is a human being and i think everybody appreciates being treated that way so that the more that that that you can get over the hump of oh i'm i'm awkward or i'm not good at conversations like well it's let's learn learn a few ways to make it easier and it'll make everything easier Absolutely. And the more that we believe these different things about ourselves, the more they're true.
00:15:38
Speaker
And the more that we keep saying these things about ourselves, the more they're true and we're affirming it. I'm not good at dot, dot, dot. I'm not a social person, dot, dot, dot. It is affirming, affirming, affirming. And so I feel like even just the mindset around our abilities to communicate with other people, or I'm not a people person, or I'm not good at doing dot, dot, dot. I think that is pigeonholing ourselves. And it's a skill that we get to learn. And a lot of times we don't get that training as kids. It's not like in middle school and high school, there was a class around social engagement.
00:16:14
Speaker
We basically are forced into the school of life. That has social engagement, which is basically crazy. i dropped off from my friend's side note. I dropped off my friend's daughter with her to school. She's 14 at high school. There was like almost a hell of thousand people in her school. And we dropped her off and there's all these teenagers all over the like grounds. And i was like, oh, my God, you just drop her off and the into the wolves. Like, go ahead and figure out the social spheres.
00:16:46
Speaker
a pass And one thing that also I would add to any of those spheres that that. sometimes it's difficult because you feel like you have to fake it because maybe you do feel uncomfortable or you feel awkward.
00:17:04
Speaker
And it's, I think, totally acceptable and say, hey, what's going on? you You say the exact truth of, I haven't been going to a lot of parties and I'm having trouble figuring out how to socialize. So thanks for being patient with me.
00:17:24
Speaker
You know, like that that can be, that I mean, there's a good chance the other person would be like oh, whew, okay. Because I, I, I, I'm having trouble too. I'm so awkward. It's like, oh my God, yeah. So i actually had someone say that to me and it really stood out. It was amazing. This guy was like, I'm like, so what's going on Well, I'm really feeling pretty awkward right now because I haven't really been social for like months. I've been living on a boat and this is my first time coming out. So I'm like, I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. wow Thank you so much for letting me know that. I really hear that. Yeah, I could see how that would be uncomfortable. Well, I hope that, you know, some you find your rhythm and your groove tonight. Like what would what would help you feel less awkward?
00:18:08
Speaker
He's like, oh, thanks for asking. And then that opened up all their dialogue. And by the end of the night, he was having a great time. he was like singing along with this thing over there and playing guitar. and ah Well, i I encouraged us all to let go of our are limitations and our definitions and also to be compassionate and and forgiving of ourselves. Sometimes you're at an event and, yeah, you're not feeling it. That's okay, too.
00:18:39
Speaker
Yeah, and if we do something awkward, like, just move on. You know, we've all been there before where you say that stupid thing and you put your foot in your mouth and then later all you can think about afterwards is like, oh, why did say that dumb thing? Why did say that dumb thing? Why I say that dumb thing? And then there's all these amazing magical moments that happened that are not getting focused on. You know, so to just let it go, move on and integrate the awkward as a part of the experience and just keep going.
00:19:07
Speaker
You know, that's how we learn and grow. I so frequently will like rethink something that I said and, you know, I'll reach back to someone and go, hey, I just wanted to say um i want to acknowledge that i I said that thing. It wasn't very tactful. And I could and 98% the time they're like, what?
00:19:25
Speaker
Wait, what'd you say? yeah i don't even remember that. You're like, oh, OK.
00:19:31
Speaker
But it does help me to to purge it just to say it. you like if i am if If I am in my head about it, then it's easy my best tactic is just to speak it and just like...
00:19:42
Speaker
Yeah, I think that's great. Yeah, because maybe someone did like notice it and then you can just clear it. But yeah, I love that you said 98% of the time most people are like not focusing on that and they let it go. It's not like a thing. So so oh I love this conversation. Well, I hope all of you out there that are listening are finding some inspiration. And if you have some little social um magic tricks to help you feel more comfortable, whether that's in one-on-one engagement or group settings or anything else, Please share because we love hearing from you. ah you can post a comment on our Instagram feed or you can put it in the Apple comment section or even send us a DM. We'd love to hear from you. Yeah.
00:20:25
Speaker
Yeah. Awesome. Well, also just a little spark here. You can find me on PowerAffirmation.com. I've got some fun things there. and where can people find you, John? At lifestudent.com. You can find my morning broadcasts as well as ah any upcoming workshops that I'm doing.
00:20:41
Speaker
Amazing. Yay. All right. Well, in the spirit of Stay Sparked, we'll close it up with an affirmation. how about short shorty? I stay relaxed in social environments. I stay relaxed in social environments.
00:21:02
Speaker
Wonderful. This been lovely. Thanks, Betsy. ah Lovely. Thanks, Halcyon. Stay Sparked, people.
00:21:11
Speaker
Has this conversation sparked you? Send us a note or leave a comment on the Stay Sparked Instagram page or YouTube channel. Reviewing us on Apple Podcasts really helps too. But most helpful of all is when you share us with a friend.
00:21:25
Speaker
We are so grateful to our sponsor, Lucid, makers of delicious functional mushroom and nootropic drinks. And special thanks to Dub Sutra, creators of our beautiful intro and ending music.
00:21:36
Speaker
Find links to me, Betsy, and all of this good stuff in the show notes.
00:21:42
Speaker
Stay Spark friends.