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"Healthy Anger" #82
11 Plays4 months ago
Few of us had role-modeling for the healthy expression of anger. And yet anger is a perfectly natural emotion! In this episode John and Betsy discuss their personal struggles with anger and share some tools to help with healthy expression for ourselves and in relationships.
HOSTS
BETSY FINKLEHOO is a healer of massage therapy, CranioSacral and Dharma Coaching. She is an 8 year burner and has spent the last several years seeped in the personal development world, cultivating her passion for transformation and growth. Her recent project, The Power Affirmation Journal and virtual group empowers women to cultivate self awareness and healthy habits so they can live in greater freedom, mind body and spirit.
http://poweraffirmation.com/
Click here to get a FREE affirmation for Stay Sparked Listeners!
HALCYON is full-time Love Ambassador. He is the founder of Hug Nation YouTube channel and daily zoom gratitude circles. He is co-founder of the Pink Heart Burning Man camp and the 1st Saturdays project for people experiencing homelessness. In his free time he coaches individuals on how to live joyfully and authentically. His other podcast is "Hard on the 80's."
http://LifeStudent.com
MASSIVE Thank you to Dub Sutra for their beautiful opening music. Check out their incredible music catalogue online.
https://dubsutra.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Healthy Anger and Self-Introductions
00:00:00
Speaker
On today's episode, we talk about healthy anger and ways to express it.
00:00:05
Speaker
We talk about some of the not-so-healthy ways that it can creep out and some of the amazing tools that we can use to integrate it into a healthy life.
00:00:17
Speaker
Enjoy the episode.
00:00:19
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked.
00:00:21
Speaker
We are two longtime friends who like to share these conversations that light us up, and we want to share them with you.
00:00:28
Speaker
My name is John Halcyon.
00:00:30
Speaker
I am the host of the Hug Nation YouTube channel and the Heart Centered Men's Gatherings.
00:00:35
Speaker
And I am Betsy Finkelhoo, the creator of the Power Affirmation Project and Somatic Bodyworker.
Gratitude Sharing
00:00:42
Speaker
We like to start off with a little gratitude.
00:00:44
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What are you feeling grateful for, Betsy?
00:00:47
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I am grateful for my family, my blood family in Cleveland, Ohio.
00:00:52
Speaker
I just got to spend five days with them, and I'm just feeling so grateful to have healthy relationships with my sisters and my brother and my nephews, and just to get some quality time with them was really soul-enriching.
00:01:06
Speaker
Nice.
00:01:08
Speaker
Nice.
00:01:10
Speaker
I am feeling grateful for redwoods.
00:01:12
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I got to go to Big Sur this weekend and had this moment where I was just called to just touch this tree and just, whew, man.
00:01:23
Speaker
Redwoods forest is a magical thing.
00:01:26
Speaker
So I'm feeling grateful for the opportunity.
00:01:27
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:01:28
Speaker
They're like battery packs that charge you up.
00:01:31
Speaker
Totally.
Unhealthy Anger and Listener Acknowledgment
00:01:33
Speaker
Well, today...
00:01:37
Speaker
We're gonna talk about something, okay?
00:01:39
Speaker
We're gonna talk about... Yeah.
00:01:42
Speaker
We're gonna talk about anger.
00:01:45
Speaker
I'm not really angry right now.
00:01:47
Speaker
There was a whole bunch of thunder right when you got angry.
00:01:52
Speaker
And to be honest, even that fake anger was difficult for me because, you know, anger is one of those things that it's loaded.
00:02:02
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It's got a lot behind it.
00:02:05
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I think many of us do not have...
00:02:09
Speaker
healthy role models for witnessing anger.
00:02:12
Speaker
And so it can be something that we only experience in unhealthy ways.
00:02:18
Speaker
And so today we want to talk a little bit about anger, the healthy expression of anger, maybe ways that we can work through and maybe give ourselves some compassion and forgiveness and maybe ways that we can repair when anger does get the best of us.
00:02:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:38
Speaker
And tools also for moving energy and anger through the body in a healthy way.
00:02:44
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So that's what I'm most sparked about to have this conversation.
00:02:49
Speaker
Oh, good.
00:02:49
Speaker
When you said tools, I thought you meant like things to hit each other with.
00:02:52
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I'm like, oh, no, I don't think that's what we want to talk about.
00:02:55
Speaker
Yeah, we could talk about that too.
00:02:56
Speaker
Pillows, maybe.
00:02:58
Speaker
And also just a big shout out to Kyra Elise because she actually sent us a message and made a request for this conversation.
00:03:06
Speaker
So a big shout out to you.
00:03:07
Speaker
Thank you, Kyra, for sparking us to have this conversation.
00:03:12
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Yeah, beautiful topic and well expressed.
00:03:14
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So thanks for inspiring us.
00:03:15
Speaker
Yeah.
Personal Experiences with Anger
00:03:19
Speaker
I feel like in the last year especially, as I've been leading these heart-centered men's groups, anger is frequently a topic.
00:03:34
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It is something that we can keep coming back to because it's a part of many men's experience that is something that we have not yet figured out.
00:03:46
Speaker
My personal experience is that I did not witness much anger growing up.
00:03:51
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And so I had a judgment that the expression of anger was displaying weakness.
00:04:00
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It was displaying that you were incapable of controlling yourself.
00:04:04
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It's like caveman-y, you know?
00:04:09
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An evolved man would never show anger.
00:04:14
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And so...
00:04:17
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That put me in a position where when I eventually did get angry, I held it in until it forced its way out.
00:04:27
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And then I have behaviors that are super embarrassing.
00:04:37
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Isn't that funny?
00:04:38
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It's like most of the guidance is to suppress it.
00:04:42
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Hide it.
00:04:43
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Don't let anyone see it.
00:04:45
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It's not appropriate to be angry outwardly.
00:04:50
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Right.
00:04:51
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Because, you know, my personal experience is, well, if you're angry, then just, you know, don't let anyone know.
00:04:58
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Go process it over there.
00:05:00
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But over the years, I've seen what that does.
Healthy Outlets for Anger
00:05:03
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It really turns into tension in the body.
00:05:05
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Yeah.
00:05:07
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Holding the breath.
00:05:08
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And our breath is our life force.
00:05:11
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And so you can even imagine, you know, I'm sure you've probably felt this before when you start to feel angry about something and you don't know how to say it or you don't know what to do with it.
00:05:18
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And so I'm just going to hold my breath.
00:05:21
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It's an unconscious.
00:05:22
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Yeah.
00:05:23
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Maybe clench the jaw, hold tightness in the body, like the forehead, you know, squeezes.
00:05:30
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It's like the body starts to process it.
00:05:32
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But then, you know, if we have a healthy example of being angry and letting it out, then it doesn't storm the body.
00:05:41
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I have a it's been many years, but there was a long stretch where anyone that I was in relationship had examples of me.
00:05:55
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punching walls, you know, breaking furniture, things like really explosive actions that damaged the relationship, it caused me to have massive amount of shame.
00:06:13
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I don't see myself as someone who, you know, displays violence in a way that intimidates and scares people.
00:06:22
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And so the
00:06:25
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It continues to be something that I'm trying to find.
00:06:28
Speaker
Okay, what are the punching pillows?
00:06:30
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What are the gopher runs?
00:06:33
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And one thing that's been really beautiful in the men's groups is that I've heard a number of men who are into boxing.
00:06:43
Speaker
Or these activities that a younger me would have thought that those were like brutish activities.
00:06:50
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Yeah.
00:06:51
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but they are acknowledging that aggression and anger are part of the experience
00:06:58
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It's a very masculine, not exclusively, but that if it is not channeled, it either is held in and causes physical damage to the system or it comes out in ways that are incredibly destructive.
00:07:15
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So like I used to think of somebody who was into MMA and boxing as someone who is
00:07:22
Speaker
like didn't have their shit together and was like kind of sad.
00:07:25
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Now I'm like, oh, that is, that's the formula for integrating all these parts.
00:07:33
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Absolutely.
00:07:34
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Thanks for bringing up boxing because I actually did do boxing for a while.
00:07:38
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And it was that it was really helpful, healthy and helpful during the time of my life where I was processing a breakup and I was pissed.
00:07:47
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And there was just so many parts about the thing that I was still resentful for.
00:07:51
Speaker
And I was upset.
00:07:52
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And I went to boxing like two to three times a week.
00:07:55
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And it felt so good to just punch a bag and to be guided to kick and to kind of like growl and move that energy out.
00:08:04
Speaker
And then, of course, the endorphins from the workout itself was so powerful and it was a really amazing tool.
00:08:12
Speaker
to use for processing and moving those kinds of emotions that I wasn't really able to express verbally.
00:08:20
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I had a lot of just buildup because I hadn't been expressing what was really going on for me, or maybe I had some boundaries that were crossed that I didn't know how to repair.
00:08:30
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And so, okay, well, it's time for me to do the work.
00:08:33
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And so I was able to do it somatically through boxing.
00:08:36
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That's so cool.
00:08:37
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I just had a friend who shared with me that they have a boxing routine, you know, weekly for years.
00:08:46
Speaker
And I was so shocked because they're such a gentle person.
00:08:51
Speaker
And it took me a while to be like, oh, no, no, no.
00:08:57
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Those aren't two parts of the same, like those aren't two identities.
00:09:01
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That is a human that has figured out that, yeah, you can express in healthy ways.
00:09:10
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:09:11
Speaker
Yeah, I've actually been learning a lot about this recently.
00:09:15
Speaker
I'm so grateful to have come thus far.
00:09:19
Speaker
I've stumbled along the way.
00:09:22
Speaker
Bless my previous partners who held some space for me to go through the motions.
00:09:27
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And I'm so grateful to have
00:09:28
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The tools that I have now and the partner that I have now that is willing to really call our anger for what it is and then move it in a healthy way and welcome it rather than resist it.
00:09:43
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And we've gotten to a place in our relationship now, if we either one of us has anger, we're able to hold up the mirror and check in with each other.
00:09:52
Speaker
It sounds like you have some anger.
00:09:53
Speaker
Is that true?
00:09:55
Speaker
And that's always a helpful question because sometimes the tone will start to shift in a conversation and it's very clear that one of us is angry.
00:10:04
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And then to call it out in that moment, then we're able to have a healthy boundary.
00:10:09
Speaker
Like he did this actually for me a while back where he said, it sounds like you are angry.
00:10:14
Speaker
Are you having some anger?
00:10:15
Speaker
And of course I'm like, yes, I do.
00:10:18
Speaker
And he said, okay, well then could you maybe not direct it at me in this moment?
00:10:23
Speaker
Hmm.
00:10:24
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And so I actively turned my body and I looked out the window and I was like, all right, well, I'm going to work on expressing my anger at this situation that has been brought forward, brought on by you.
00:10:42
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But I'm claiming my own anger and I'm going to look over there and I'm going to express my anger.
00:10:47
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And he said, okay, great.
00:10:48
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Don't, you don't, don't direct it at me.
00:10:50
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I'm right here.
00:10:50
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I'm going to witness you.
00:10:52
Speaker
And that was the first time that we really got to practice not projecting on each other.
00:10:59
Speaker
And that was super helpful.
00:11:00
Speaker
Wow.
00:11:01
Speaker
I feel like.
00:11:03
Speaker
I should print out a card of what you just said.
00:11:05
Speaker
It feels, it sounds like you're experiencing anger, you know, because like, like directing the energy into observer instead of falling into the, being the wall for the anger to hit, which is so difficult.
00:11:26
Speaker
Like when someone comes at you with anger,
00:11:28
Speaker
with aggression, every biological part of us wants to respond, meeting that, you know, or defending, you know, and it, it, it's,
Expressing Anger in Relationships
00:11:40
Speaker
it takes a lot.
00:11:41
Speaker
And maybe it does take a sticky note, like, oh, wait, before I yell at you saying like, hey, I don't deserve this.
00:11:47
Speaker
I'm going to say, it sounds like you are experiencing anger.
00:11:51
Speaker
Yeah, it sounds like you have some anger when we talk about that.
00:11:55
Speaker
You know, one of the most powerful moments I had that was recently, it was on a more vulnerable personal note.
00:12:03
Speaker
It was right after our previous co-host, Yonis, had passed.
00:12:06
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:12:07
Speaker
And I was grieving deeply.
00:12:09
Speaker
But some of the grief was coming out as anger, unprocessed anger.
00:12:15
Speaker
And my partner was with me and he's the closest thing to me.
00:12:18
Speaker
And we were bickering and I was feeling angry and I was, you know, thinking that he was doing something and it was making me really mad.
00:12:26
Speaker
And that was one of the moments when he checked in like, wow, OK, well, it sounds like there's some anger here.
00:12:30
Speaker
Can we actually pause and maybe just hit some pillows or or do something?
00:12:35
Speaker
And of course, I was in my mode and I was like, I don't want to hit some pillows.
00:12:40
Speaker
I want to hit you.
00:12:40
Speaker
But of course, I'm not going to.
00:12:43
Speaker
And so I was like, can you hit some pillows with me?
00:12:46
Speaker
So I asked him if he would do that.
00:12:48
Speaker
And so we took some pillows and we just slammed them on the back of the couch because the couch was exposed.
00:12:55
Speaker
And so we took the pillows and right next to each other, we started slamming the pillows on the back of the couch and then kind of punching them.
00:13:02
Speaker
And then something would come out verbally and I would start saying the things that I was really upset about.
00:13:10
Speaker
And so did he.
00:13:11
Speaker
And what we both realized is that there was anger towards the death and towards how some of the things that were going on periphery to the experience of processing the grief that really had nothing to do with my partner and really had nothing to do with me.
00:13:28
Speaker
And so it was very insightful to create that space to just really punch.
00:13:32
Speaker
And then, of course, you know what happens after that.
00:13:35
Speaker
Then we just start weeping and crying and feeling.
00:13:39
Speaker
And then I'm like, oh, I didn't know you were upset about that.
00:13:43
Speaker
Oh, wow, you're having some feelings.
00:13:45
Speaker
And then, of course, compassion, deeper understanding, less of the projection.
00:13:51
Speaker
Next thing you know, we're like holding each other and crying.
00:13:55
Speaker
And so it was really helpful to be able to have that awareness of the anger and then direct
Role of Anger in Society
00:14:02
Speaker
it into a pillow and into a somatic process rather than using the other person as a punching bag.
00:14:12
Speaker
My partner and I have been talking about setting up a little area in the canyon that we can break ceramic things in.
00:14:23
Speaker
Yeah, they actually have.
00:14:24
Speaker
I've seen.
00:14:26
Speaker
Raid rooms.
00:14:27
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:14:29
Speaker
Those places they call smash it.
00:14:31
Speaker
And they've just got all the different things that you can come and smash things.
00:14:35
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's important to be able to have an outlet because there's a lot of things in this world to be really angry about.
00:14:42
Speaker
You know, you look at all the protests.
00:14:44
Speaker
That's a lot of that is fueled by anger.
00:14:47
Speaker
People are getting out in the streets and marching for what they stand for because they're pissed.
00:14:51
Speaker
And so it's really important to find an outlet to be able to direct that anger in a healthy way, because otherwise it comes out as daggers to the people that we love the most if it's unprocessed and unconscious.
00:15:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:08
Speaker
Sometimes.
00:15:10
Speaker
Feeling unheard comes out as anger for me.
00:15:15
Speaker
Like, what?
00:15:16
Speaker
Listen!
00:15:17
Speaker
Like, if my words don't land, you know, and then there's a part of me that says, I know what will get results.
00:15:36
Speaker
And that's something that a lot of men that I talk to have unfortunately been trained that they can get their way with anger and how close anger and violence is, especially in masculine and feminine dynamics.
00:15:57
Speaker
And so it can be easy for...
00:16:01
Speaker
a man to subconsciously feel a power in that expression, you know, and then unknowingly really damage their relationships because they're not actually making space for open communication or they're not making space for the other person to get hurt because they've demonstrated that I will use my anger to tell you this is over, you know.
00:16:31
Speaker
Yep.
00:16:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:32
Speaker
And that's the programming.
00:16:34
Speaker
And that's why I love that you're doing men's work and a lot of men that I know that are doing these men's circles and men's groups and coming together to learn and grow together.
00:16:45
Speaker
In my personal view, it feels like there is sort of an emotional revolution with emotion because, you know, in previous generations not too far past,
00:16:56
Speaker
the only emotions that men were really allowed to have was anger and joy.
00:17:05
Speaker
And that's it.
00:17:06
Speaker
You know, no sadness.
00:17:07
Speaker
Men don't cry.
00:17:09
Speaker
You don't feel grief.
00:17:10
Speaker
You know, these kinds of things that are a human nature –
00:17:14
Speaker
are not something that's been, like you said in the beginning, modeled or taught the rites of passages for men and women, but especially men, you know, are much more absent than they used to be.
00:17:27
Speaker
And so to relearn as an adult how to have safety in the expression of whatever the emotion might be is, it's new, you know?
00:17:38
Speaker
And I think that that's, for me, I know personally it comes down to, is it safe here?
00:17:43
Speaker
to really allow my emotions to be fully seen, heard, and expressed.
00:17:48
Speaker
And maybe it's not.
00:17:50
Speaker
You know, I've seen moments where I try to express my anger and it comes out in a way that hurts someone else.
00:17:56
Speaker
So therefore, it's not safe for me to really be fully expressed in my emotions.
00:18:01
Speaker
And so finding other ways, I know for me, it's like being a cancer, cancerian natured person.
Safe Spaces for Anger
00:18:09
Speaker
I'm born in July.
00:18:10
Speaker
I have a crab shell.
00:18:12
Speaker
I'm so much safer inside my crab shell.
00:18:14
Speaker
I'm just going to go in my car and turn tool on really loud.
00:18:19
Speaker
That's the safe place for me to express my rage and my fire or on the dance floor.
00:18:26
Speaker
Those places feel safe for me.
00:18:28
Speaker
And I actually have found that if I do have something coming up with someone or with a life experience, I'm
00:18:36
Speaker
Then when I go do these things like dance it out or scream it out or hit the pillows or turn the music up really loud, then I'm able to have much more clarity in my voice when I'm ready to have the hard conversation or speak up for what's important to me.
00:18:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:56
Speaker
I think the older versions of me.
00:19:00
Speaker
when anger finally broke through the surface, it wanted to hurt.
00:19:06
Speaker
And so the language that I would use to make my point would be drowned in hurtful things, things that I didn't believe, but a part of me knew what it would take to make the other person hurt.
00:19:25
Speaker
So the anger went into violence, went into like,
00:19:28
Speaker
hate, you know, and, and which all it really was, was unexpressed anger, you know?
00:19:37
Speaker
Um, yeah, it's hard.
00:19:38
Speaker
It's the other thing that I've, I've been learning through men's group stuff is, is, is that anger and the expression of anger is sometimes the appropriate tool.
00:19:52
Speaker
You know, if someone you care about is in danger, you know, yelling aggressively, yelling
00:20:01
Speaker
Leave us alone.
00:20:02
Speaker
You know, like there are times when when the what the situation requires is when a boundary has been crossed, you know, when there's safety at stake, when when the kind requests don't don't have results.
00:20:21
Speaker
Sometimes the controlled, you know, expression of of serious, angry expression is appropriate.
00:20:31
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:20:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:33
Speaker
Sometimes it's important to be able to find that, the balance.
00:20:38
Speaker
I know I have one time I had a conflict with a girlfriend and I tried to talk to her about all the things from a calm and centered tone, use the nonviolent communication, but it just wasn't landing.
00:20:53
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:20:54
Speaker
She would say she gets it, but then, you know, then the thing would just keep happening.
00:20:58
Speaker
And so it wasn't until I got really loud and let her know I was really, really angry.
00:21:05
Speaker
And I was able to, even in my moment of feeling loud and aggressive and...
00:21:10
Speaker
I still said, and I love you so much.
00:21:14
Speaker
And that's why I'm sharing this with you.
00:21:17
Speaker
And it changed.
00:21:18
Speaker
It really made the difference that needed to happen.
Anger in Relationships and Self-Understanding
00:21:22
Speaker
And it was so uncomfortable.
00:21:24
Speaker
But we're closer than ever now.
00:21:26
Speaker
To be able to know when that place is to be fully, fully expressed and know when to use a certain tone.
00:21:34
Speaker
I think it's important to know where that safety is and what relationships we're willing to lean into with the authentic expression.
00:21:44
Speaker
Because on the flip side of that, what I've also seen within myself or with other people is that the program says, well, I'm angry at this person, so I'm just going to slowly back away.
00:21:57
Speaker
And I'm going to just not say anything.
00:21:59
Speaker
And I'm just going to be quietly pissed at them, you know, and then go talk shit.
00:22:04
Speaker
Or, you know, do little manipulative things because there's this anger towards another person.
00:22:10
Speaker
And if that person doesn't know, then how do we expect that other person to actually change or to make it right?
00:22:18
Speaker
You know, it's actually doing a disservice, in my opinion.
00:22:23
Speaker
You know, I had shared on one of our very, very first episodes of Stay Sparked that I had a girlfriend that I could tell she was slowly backing away and it felt like the relationship was just getting withered and I kept leaning in and it was so uncomfortable because she wasn't leaning back.
00:22:39
Speaker
And finally, after practically begging, I was like, can you please, you know, can we please get together?
00:22:46
Speaker
I really, I really care about us and I'd like to know what's going on.
00:22:50
Speaker
That she revealed to me that there were certain things that had happened in our many years in friendship that she was mad at me about and she never cleared with me.
00:22:59
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:23:00
Speaker
Simple things.
00:23:01
Speaker
And I had no idea.
00:23:03
Speaker
And so it was really important to have that clearing.
00:23:06
Speaker
And now we're in a good place.
00:23:07
Speaker
And it was because we created that safe container to talk about those things, which it's not always easy to do.
00:23:14
Speaker
I love the mid-yelling, I love you!
00:23:21
Speaker
There's a show, East Down and Out, where a not-very-skilled macho guy is just raging and raging and yelling at his family and then slowly realizes that he's in the wrong, and he's like...
00:23:32
Speaker
I can't stop yelling.
00:23:34
Speaker
I just can't.
00:23:36
Speaker
But it's like, it makes a difference, like acknowledging, you know, and I think part of that healthy expression of anger is, you know,
00:23:45
Speaker
not slipping into the attacking, you know, not slipping into trying to hurt.
00:23:50
Speaker
Like, there's a big difference between, I'm angry, and you fucking spit, you know.
00:23:57
Speaker
Point my finger, tell you should be reprimand, punish.
00:24:03
Speaker
I had a client who was struggling with a boss who was pushing this deadline, and my client was like...
00:24:13
Speaker
his crew that he was responsible for is like, this is getting to be unsafe.
00:24:16
Speaker
You know, like we can't make this deadline.
00:24:18
Speaker
And the boss is like, make it happen, make it happen.
00:24:20
Speaker
He's like, look, I'm in after like three meetings of like, I'm really worried about my guys.
00:24:27
Speaker
He then went into a meeting and, and yelled,
00:24:31
Speaker
you know, and it was hard for him, you know, and he felt in some ways it was like, I think I messed up, you know, like I lost my cool and they pushed the deadline.
00:24:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:44
Speaker
And I was like, you,
00:24:48
Speaker
Sometimes, sometimes people can only hear.
00:24:51
Speaker
And he didn't do it like, you know, he didn't destroy the relationship.
00:24:55
Speaker
He just established that what is happening right now requires a level of seriousness that you're not hearing unless I show you this anger.
00:25:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:09
Speaker
How do we get to a place of loving and accepting our own anger?
00:25:16
Speaker
You know, to know that it's okay to be angry and to feel the feelings and not just try to look on the bright side and try to bypass it and be like, yeah, but everything's fine.
00:25:31
Speaker
I mean, in the big picture, everything's fine.
00:25:33
Speaker
Even though I'm angry, you know, it's fine.
00:25:36
Speaker
But it's like it feels like that that sort of, yeah, just kind of discounts the reality of that emotion and doesn't give it the full opportunity to show us what it's here to show us.
00:25:49
Speaker
Because anger is a teacher for us.
00:25:51
Speaker
It's usually showing us something.
00:25:53
Speaker
It's guiding us to something inside of ourselves that we value.
00:25:58
Speaker
Right.
00:25:59
Speaker
Right.
00:25:59
Speaker
It's usually like maybe we're hurt or maybe there is a boundary that got crossed that we didn't maybe realize was a boundary.
00:26:08
Speaker
It's helping us understand ourselves and the world better.
00:26:12
Speaker
And so, yeah, how can we actually say thank you, anger?
00:26:15
Speaker
OK, I'm feeling really angry.
00:26:17
Speaker
Let me be with it and say thank you.
00:26:19
Speaker
Thank you, anger.
00:26:20
Speaker
OK, what do I need to know?
00:26:22
Speaker
How can I be more receptive and understand what this emotion is trying to teach me right now?
00:26:29
Speaker
I mean, this is really a learning edge for me.
00:26:33
Speaker
I feel like I'm deep in practice of not being ashamed of all sorts of my humanness, my anxieties and my fears.
00:26:46
Speaker
But really learning to love and accept anger is important.
00:26:53
Speaker
is definitely one that is a fresh classroom for me.
00:26:57
Speaker
But, but conversation like this is helpful, you know, I think that, and I think that, you know, another thing that's so helpful for me is, is having men's group and community and a partner where we kind of have these agreements, like, are, do we agree that we are in partnership for one another's growth?
00:27:17
Speaker
And part of that agreement means that I might express myself in an unskilled way at times.
00:27:25
Speaker
And that's not going to be a declaration of the end of our friendship.
00:27:34
Speaker
You're not going to hold me to that.
00:27:36
Speaker
We're going to repair from that, and I'm going to be able to analyze it and go, okay, this is where I...
00:27:45
Speaker
Next time, I'm going to try to say this.
00:27:49
Speaker
Or next time, is there any way you could say, it sounds like you're really angry right now?
00:27:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:57
Speaker
Nonviolent communication.
00:27:59
Speaker
Really, really great thing to put into practice in relationships to be able to say, when I experienced blank, it made me feel angry, disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, because I really value dot, dot, dot, kindness, connection, love, whatever it is.
Nonviolent Communication and Personal Responsibility
00:28:25
Speaker
Would you be willing to let me know that you can validate my feelings right now?
00:28:31
Speaker
You know, that's sort of the formula for nonviolent communication.
00:28:35
Speaker
And then also within that, that I've been really, really geeking out on, thanks to my partner, Leo, is needs-based communication.
00:28:43
Speaker
So when we can understand what the need is that's not being met, then usually we're able to find our way back into a regulated state or a more grounded, present state.
00:28:55
Speaker
I even have up on my wall this this worksheet is called the needs inventory.
00:29:02
Speaker
We could put it in the show notes, but we reference this a lot because, you know, if I'm angry or feeling those feelings, then I can look on here and go, you know what?
00:29:15
Speaker
My need for, let's see, freedom is being compromised, right?
00:29:22
Speaker
Or my need for to be understood is not being met right now.
00:29:29
Speaker
So if I can communicate that to my partner or a teammate or whoever I might be in relationship with, then they might be able to say, oh, okay, well, I want to better understand you.
00:29:41
Speaker
You know, so let's work on that.
00:29:43
Speaker
And it's like, oh, okay.
00:29:44
Speaker
Okay, I can relax into that.
00:29:47
Speaker
Right?
00:29:47
Speaker
So what's the actual need that's not being met that is triggering an anger?
00:29:52
Speaker
So needs, inventory, the nine basic human needs.
00:29:56
Speaker
Here they are.
00:29:57
Speaker
And then there's a whole list that goes within that of the nine basic.
00:30:02
Speaker
So highly, highly, highly recommend The Game Changer.
00:30:06
Speaker
I feel like it keeps going back to the importance of recognizing being on the same team as someone, you know, like I want to understand.
00:30:17
Speaker
I want you.
00:30:18
Speaker
I want to help you understand.
00:30:19
Speaker
I want to understand.
00:30:21
Speaker
I recognize we're both humaning.
00:30:23
Speaker
And so I don't have unreasonable expectations, but we are both in agreement that we want to keep growing and getting better at this.
00:30:32
Speaker
We're all not, not just both, but all like in, in our friendships, in our, in our workplaces, you know, ideally.
00:30:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:41
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
00:30:43
Speaker
Yeah, this is a really important process to be in with ourselves and our relationships.
00:30:49
Speaker
In my opinion, the world, you know, has a lot going on and it's more and more important for us to each do our own personal work.
00:30:57
Speaker
You know, it's the change starts within, peace starts within.
00:31:02
Speaker
If we want a better world, we've got to do the work inside to be and within our personal relationships and our home life and our communities to be able to have peace.
00:31:12
Speaker
Because if we're at war with ourselves on the inside, at war with another person that we share a house with, a relationship with, with our families, then that's no different than the bombs going off in other countries.
00:31:25
Speaker
So it's really, really important for us to take responsibility for our emotions, to be able to heal, to be able to find healthy ways to be able to process the darker emotions of anger and frustration and rage
Rituals and Practices for Anger Expression
00:31:41
Speaker
even.
00:31:41
Speaker
And then I think I'll close it up with a spark.
00:31:44
Speaker
I actually feel we're getting to a place.
00:31:46
Speaker
Are you okay with that?
00:31:48
Speaker
Sure.
00:31:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:50
Speaker
So I actually worked with a client not too long ago who has a very deep rage that she was processing.
00:31:57
Speaker
But she's a very gentle spirit.
00:31:59
Speaker
So sweet, so kind, so loving.
00:32:01
Speaker
But when, you know, when she came to me in our session, she's like, but internally, I feel so mad and I don't know how to move it because everyone sees me as the sweet thing.
00:32:12
Speaker
And I don't, I just don't know how to access it.
00:32:15
Speaker
And so we did a ritual where I created a playlist and the playlist starts with drums and then it starts moving into more beats and kind of just deeper, darker sounds.
00:32:30
Speaker
And the ritual was for her to be in a somatic experience of expressing her rage through music, through breath and through movement and
00:32:40
Speaker
And then she even had a sword that was like a fake sword that she was able to use as sort of like a warrior.
00:32:48
Speaker
And she was able to get into full expression of her power and her force and her rage through that ritual.
00:32:56
Speaker
And it was so beautiful.
00:32:58
Speaker
And she felt taller afterwards.
00:33:00
Speaker
And she felt so liberated.
00:33:01
Speaker
And it was just amazing.
00:33:03
Speaker
to get to hold that space for her to step into a new expression of her soul, which had been kind of hidden and suppressed for a long time.
00:33:14
Speaker
So that is such a gift to be able to have those tools to move that wild nature.
00:33:21
Speaker
And finding some safe container for should your expression change.
00:33:30
Speaker
go beyond a place that you feel safer or in control.
00:33:34
Speaker
You know, what you were describing, it reminded me, I went to a holotropic breathwork experience.
00:33:41
Speaker
It was this long and intense, and the helpers there, they set this container where it's like,
00:33:48
Speaker
we will do anything we can to facilitate.
00:33:53
Speaker
If you want to wrestle, you know, if you, like, we will do whatever possible outside of sexual things, you know, that if you, if you have anger or whatever, like, like we're here for it.
00:34:04
Speaker
And, and like, I didn't have those feelings, but just like that,
00:34:08
Speaker
permission to like I'm I'm I can fully open to whatever's going to come out is a a surprisingly rare place to be and I think that
00:34:24
Speaker
There's so much healing that can happen when we let go of all the little controls over our mind and heart and feelings that we are constantly always living in, whether we are aware of it or not.
00:34:41
Speaker
Yeah, and I guess that's my closing spark is...
00:34:46
Speaker
to continue to learn to love the fullness of my human experience, to release shame of anger, to integrate anger into my healthy expressions and find ways to do that so that I can
00:35:13
Speaker
It cannot be examples of my lack of evolution, but instead be further proof of my wonderfully human experience I'm having.
00:35:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:29
Speaker
So good.
00:35:30
Speaker
So important.
00:35:31
Speaker
You're an integrated human with all the feels.
00:35:34
Speaker
No, I'm not.
00:35:35
Speaker
I'm stupid.
00:35:36
Speaker
Why did you... You seem to have a lot of anger right there.
00:35:40
Speaker
Yeah, I see you.
00:35:41
Speaker
And your anger is valid.
00:35:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:45
Speaker
Can we just growl a little bit?
00:35:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:53
Speaker
My other favorite one, the somatic expression of anger.
00:35:58
Speaker
Hands on the hip.
00:36:01
Speaker
Get the tight forehead and then stick out the tongue on the out breath.
00:36:07
Speaker
That's like kalima.
00:36:08
Speaker
Kalima.
00:36:09
Speaker
Force.
00:36:11
Speaker
Powerful.
00:36:11
Speaker
Divine mother.
00:36:12
Speaker
Fire.
00:36:14
Speaker
She's amazing.
00:36:16
Speaker
I hope this was helpful.
00:36:18
Speaker
I feel sparked.
00:36:19
Speaker
It was for me.
00:36:21
Speaker
Good.
00:36:22
Speaker
Let's go wrestle.
00:36:26
Speaker
Yeah, my partner's in for it later.
00:36:28
Speaker
Yeah, good.
00:36:30
Speaker
My partner and I actually, we do push hands.
00:36:33
Speaker
He's not quite wrestling because, you know, he's, like, much bigger than me, so it's not really that efficient to wrestle.
00:36:40
Speaker
But we do push hands, so we, like, push each other's hands and, like, really get the strength of our bodies to kind of, ooh, express it.
00:36:49
Speaker
So that one's a good one, too.
00:36:51
Speaker
Awesome.
00:36:53
Speaker
Well, if you're interested in wrestling with me or preferably hanging out in a men's group and talking about the desire to wrestle or anger, I've got an upcoming one September 7th in San Diego, a heart-centered men's gathering.
Promoting Personal Projects and Closing Remarks
00:37:12
Speaker
And you can find links to that as well as my morning broadcasts and gratitude circles all at lifestudent.com.
00:37:20
Speaker
And I would love to stay connected and
00:37:23
Speaker
I'd love to hear if you've got practices or things in your life around anger that are outside of what we've talked about or tips.
00:37:32
Speaker
And if you've got topics to help us with, we would love to hear them because clearly this was a good topic.
00:37:39
Speaker
So thank you so much.
00:37:41
Speaker
And don't forget, you can leave that.
00:37:43
Speaker
You can send us emails.
00:37:44
Speaker
You can also go to our Stay Sparked Instagram as well.
00:37:48
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:37:48
Speaker
Yes.
00:37:50
Speaker
And I also love working with people to access some of the deeper layers of the mindset and also somatic practices to be able to move energy and emotion through the body.
00:38:02
Speaker
So if you want to work with me, I would love to hear from you one on one sessions here in Asheville.
00:38:08
Speaker
And when I visit San Diego, I love doing bodywork.
00:38:11
Speaker
I love doing exercise.
00:38:12
Speaker
Somatic releasing, energy work.
00:38:15
Speaker
I do a lot of affirmation work, mindset work, go into the deeper programs and unwind them with the journal that I've created, the Power Affirmation Journal.
00:38:25
Speaker
And you can find my work on poweraffirmation.com to see all the other wonderful offerings that I share with the world.
00:38:33
Speaker
So please do reach out.
00:38:35
Speaker
I love hearing from my people.
00:38:37
Speaker
Please do reach out.
00:38:39
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:38:40
Speaker
Any chance we could get a affirmation?
00:38:43
Speaker
Yes, indeed.
00:38:45
Speaker
How about one to honor this conversation, honor all of our emotions?
00:38:51
Speaker
And so sometimes I'll just speak quickly to why I love affirmations, not just positive affirmations, but just affirmations to help us to focus our mind and as a way to really just get real and honor everything.
00:39:07
Speaker
So the affirmation that's coming through right now is all my feelings are valid.
00:39:13
Speaker
All my feelings are valid.
00:39:16
Speaker
All my feelings are valid.
00:39:19
Speaker
I honor all of my emotions.
00:39:21
Speaker
I honor all of my emotions.
00:39:24
Speaker
I honor all of my emotions.
00:39:27
Speaker
I am masterful at moving through all of my emotions.
00:39:31
Speaker
I am masterful at moving through all of my emotions.
00:39:35
Speaker
I am masterful at moving through all of my emotions.
00:39:39
Speaker
And lastly, I easefully release any tension from the mind, body, and spirit.
00:39:45
Speaker
I easefully release any tension from my mind, body, and spirit.
00:39:51
Speaker
I easefully release any tension from mind, body, and spirit.
00:40:02
Speaker
Thank you, Betsy.
00:40:03
Speaker
Love you so much.
00:40:04
Speaker
So appreciate these conversations.
00:40:06
Speaker
Me too.
00:40:07
Speaker
Thank you so much, Kelsey.
00:40:08
Speaker
And so grateful to be here.
00:40:10
Speaker
Thanks for listening.
00:40:11
Speaker
Stay sparked, people.
00:40:14
Speaker
Find us on Instagram at stay sparked and leave us a five star review on Apple podcast.
00:40:19
Speaker
Thanks so much for helping us spread the spark.
00:40:24
Speaker
Stay sparked, friends.