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WTF NEWS yea its WTF Wednesday
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That's right folks join Jeff and Glick as we go over All the news that is news that makes you say WTF
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Transcript
Show Introduction and Banter
00:00:04
Speaker
Oh, push the fucking button, dummy.
00:00:34
Speaker
you
00:01:06
Speaker
Glick
What the Fuck News Segment Introduction
00:01:07
Speaker
on the keys. What the fuck news? Got you weak in the knees. Talking about headlines, bizarres can be. Penis report, it's a strange marquee. What the fuck news? Can't believe your ears.
00:01:17
Speaker
Ridiculous stories, shattering fears. Tune in, turn up, life's a weird parade. Everything's strange in the WTF shade.
00:01:36
Speaker
We'll be right back.
00:02:13
Speaker
Got them talking wild. Glick with the details. Jeff with the smile. Weird news wave. Come ride the confusion. Reality's glitch beyond delusion.
Weekly Show Schedule Overview
00:03:54
Speaker
Yeah, that's right, everybody. It is What the Fuck Wednesday, and this is What the Fuck News. How you doing, sir? you still playing with your computer?
00:04:08
Speaker
I like that song. I noticed that. I'm staring at a black square. Just saying. There's a what the fuck for you. Yeah, it is Wednesday. What are you going to do? So, as we always do on What the Fuck Wednesday, we're going to telling some news stories.
00:04:24
Speaker
And don't forget, everybody, bio.link. Whoa, Jesus. That's scarier than the black square. I'm just saying. Bio.link slash nonsensical network. All the news. It is news that makes you say what the fuck. That is this show.
00:04:37
Speaker
And, of course, tomorrow, Wally's doing a show that is Cold-blooded Conversations, where he's going to be talking about some reptiles. Fridays, of course, is Nonsense and Chill. bla Blaze and I got something a little bit different going on for this one.
00:04:56
Speaker
It's going to of cool. i I don't want to give any details away and make sure everybody tunes in for that. Saturdays, of course, is the Open Door Challenge, where you can come up and be part of the conversation. ah Sundays, around noon or 1, is Cash's Corner.
00:05:12
Speaker
Where Glick and his son talk some raffling. Saturdays. Is it Saturdays? That's what I said. Is it Saturday? Yeah, it's Saturdays. You said Sunday, I thought. I thought I did too, but I don't know.
00:05:25
Speaker
It's Wednesday, dude. I've um i've been rocking and rolling since like way too early and drinking way too many energy drinks. but So, normal day. um Saturday is Cassius Corner. Sunday. Saturday Cassius Corner is one.
00:05:40
Speaker
And then Saturday evening at seven is Nonsensical Nonsense, the flagship show where you can come up and be part of the conversation. And don't forget, there it is. Brian, how you doing?
00:05:55
Speaker
Yeah, I am all lit up, Brian. You like it. Don't lie. Ewee, ewee, ewee, ewee. Apparently, I'm some emo girl. ah I'm not mad at it. such And then, of course, Sundays after.
00:06:11
Speaker
Sundays around one, you guys do that an unnecessary roughness. You guys talk to sporty sports. And by the way, buddy, my buddy from work understands cricket.
00:06:25
Speaker
So I'm getting the info on that for you. Eventually. And then, of course, Mondays is Speedway Stories, where Wally talks some racing. Men Care for Men is on hiatus, if I remember correctly.
00:06:42
Speaker
And then Tuesdays is Glick's House of Music, where Glick talks to some musicians and brings us new music that we all use throughout the week. And then you're back again to this show, What the Fuck News. See what i did there? Started with this, ended with this.
00:06:56
Speaker
I'm awesome. Anywho, are you doing today, sir? I see you're in a different spot. What, you too lazy to go to your office? No, Nikki's back there, passed out. Yep, that'll do it. yeah i wasn't If I had to live with you all the time, I'd be falling asleep anywhere.
00:07:18
Speaker
Yeah, I wasn't going to wake her up, so I just grabbed my laptop and I came out here. Understood. And... um I'm probably going fall asleep.
00:07:31
Speaker
You know what? I'm not mad at you. I am exhausted. My new schedule has me up at like 7 o'clock. Not that I need to be. I know. It's horrible.
00:07:44
Speaker
you know and And as I always say, my commute is such a pain in the ass. I have to walk all the way down the stairs and come in here. I'm just saying. It's horrible. I can't wait until you fall and break your neck and I can make an emergency pick and call my shot all in the same seat.
00:08:00
Speaker
That's not going to happen because I'm like butter. I don't know why I'm butter, but... You're like that a... Thank you, Jason. You know what? You're right.
00:08:14
Speaker
He is. He's an asshole. Well, That's not really breaking news, but... But yeah, so we're going to be going over so few stories like we always do.
00:08:25
Speaker
And I got one for you that when I read this, and let's be honest, I had it read to me because I have a new toy, text-to-speech reader. So I put it in a text that reads it to me so I don't have to actually do anything.
00:08:38
Speaker
um I seriously thought it went back somebody went back in time and caught us back at Walmart. As we've said multiple times in the past, we, as dumb kids, we stole some batteries from Walmart. Well, a judge in Michigan... Allegedly.
00:08:56
Speaker
Allegedly, yes. We were never caught. um is Yes, yes. Not convicted. We plead the fifth. Okay, so...
Unusual Punishments: Shoplifting and Car Washing
00:09:04
Speaker
Allegedly. A judge in Michigan is putting sponges in the hands of shoplifters, ordering them to wash cars in a Walmart parking lot,
00:09:13
Speaker
As soon as spring arrives, Judge Jeffrey Clother hopes hopes the unusual form of community service discourages people from stealing from Walmart in and reward shoppers who can see higher prices or possible loose stores if the theft continues.
00:09:31
Speaker
The car washes will be free. ah The judge says, I don't think everybody that steals is bad. We're not. We're awesome. um He didn't say that.
00:09:44
Speaker
Some people just are down on luck, says Clother, who was recently elected to the ah judgeship. But there's going to be consequences if you break the law.
00:09:58
Speaker
Some people are just scumbags. Not necessarily. you know like you Some idiot like us allegedly stole batteries and got caught. We're scumbags.
00:10:11
Speaker
but very self buddy I'm awesome. We did not need to steal that. We had more enough money to pay for a couple double-weight batteries. I know, but we were dumb kids, so it is what it is.
00:10:24
Speaker
We're scumbags. He's hoping, and this is this is where I found this awesome, he's hoping to put 75 to 100 people eventually ordering them to wash cars.
00:10:36
Speaker
as you know they're going to have so many so many community service hours that will be dedicated to washing cars in the Walmart parking lot. Walmart has said through their multiple locations in the area, deep it's ah about 80 miles, or sorry, 50 miles north of Detroit. damn they They will provide, i know, i was like, you know what? That's basically Canada, because I mean, I could hit i can hear Ann Arbor in like two, two and a half hours. I mean, that might be worse than a free car wash.
00:11:04
Speaker
I'm just saying free car wash. Right? Plus, can go to Ann Arbor. I love Ann Arbor. And you can make fun of people. But, you know, Walmart said they'll provide water and all soap and sponges everything that's needed.
00:11:17
Speaker
But they're going to have a certain amount of community service hours. Walmart's 100% on board.
00:11:24
Speaker
So, I find that hilarious. because of what yeah Of course Walmart's going to be on board because it's going to deter people from stealing from their fucking store. No, but not only that, it's going to drive people. like I would literally make the drive to go up and wash my car.
00:11:41
Speaker
Yeah, okay I'm here. Just to make fun of the guy doing it. Yeah, I'm here. I don't necessarily need anything, but I'm going to go into Walmart. And then you know you can't get out of Walmart without spending $100. Easily. i don't care i don't care who you are.
00:11:55
Speaker
You cannot go into that damn store without dropping $100. And that's just the bottom line. Yeah, I think they'll tase you. I can do that with just buying but take this Here's my bu give back zi money. I think this is a good thing. you guys you know I get it. you know If somebody swipes some eggs or something you know and they get caught, as opposed to them going to jail, sitting drunk tank for a bunch time, not getting out. Typically, you're not going to jail for a little petty.
00:12:30
Speaker
I agree. You're going to get a little slap on the wrist, a little fine. ah you know Whatever. Depending on, mean, if you steal. I mean, you might get to you might get the electric chair if you steal eggs at this point with as much as... I don't know how much eggs cost. I don't pay no attention.
00:12:47
Speaker
I don't do the grocery shopping, so I don't pay no attention. But I know everybody's freaking out about the price of eggs. I'm not. Because so literally, eggs that are here are like stupid cheap. I've done told everybody what to do. Stop worrying about... why a fucking chicken and call it a date.
00:13:06
Speaker
Well, yeah, buy a chicken or stop going to the grocery stores and go to your local farmer. A lot of them have little egg booths set up outside their fucking, at the end of their driveway. And it's like $2 a dozen.
00:13:18
Speaker
I don't know if that's good or not, but nonetheless. And they go on the, I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't buy eggs. I just, my wife buys them. i'm like, okay, cool. Eggs. I'm going to make me an anomaly.
00:13:31
Speaker
oh yeah But it's one of those things. it's like I think this is a good thing because like if you and I would have gotten busted for allegedly doing what we did that we didn't do, allegedly.
00:13:43
Speaker
um They could have kicked us in the ass and told us not to come back to Walmart. Agreed, because once again, it was the late 90s. They would just beat us up in the party. I think it's a good little deterrent.
00:13:57
Speaker
the Fucking Walmart greeters. A bunch of old men with canes beating us. That would have been hilarious, though. Four for six, six for twelve, eight for eighteen for eggs, says Brian in his area.
00:14:10
Speaker
Good lord, dude. But, I mean, go steal see because that's all not to get into political conversation, but that's all before the last administration, right before they left, they're like, bird flu, flu and chickens.
00:14:25
Speaker
yeah A billion chickens. and It's a fafo moment. it's a fao moment Demand, shortage, what happens? Yeah. so say don't they Don't they sell those egg beaters like in cartons?
00:14:41
Speaker
Where they're just like eggs, but they you just pour it
Valentine's Day Animal Naming Service
00:14:44
Speaker
in. They come in like a milk carton. Oh, like McDonald's juices. Yeah, I'm just saying. They don't use real eggs. It's like a...
00:14:53
Speaker
It's like a jail. I don't know. i don't know How did we start talking about eggs when we were talking about... I'm not a big egg person in the first place. But it's one of those things. like I think this is a good thing. it's you know Because if it's something stupid, as opposed to putting you in jail and making you pay a stupid fine, yeah it's kind of like the the old...
00:15:12
Speaker
You know, you remember the movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. where he's a diver? Where do you go? You see the one guy hitting the pot and he's like, I stole a pot. It's kind of that thing. You know, put him in the middle street.
00:15:23
Speaker
Tar and feather them.
00:15:26
Speaker
you see That's the next step. Tar and feather. That's what I'm down for. But yeah, I thought that was kind of cute. and And I know you're a fan of Michigan, so there you go.
00:15:40
Speaker
I am. i I think Michigan's a beautiful state. They got a fantastic football team up there. And Ann Arbor. I love going to Ann Arbor. ah It's a beautiful little city. It's a nice little town. just saying, how far is Detroit for you?
00:15:52
Speaker
I'm just saying, follow up, you go and take you'll take pictures and video. They're basically in Canada. Yeah, that's nice. Once you get too far past Detroit, you're in Canada.
00:16:07
Speaker
Yeah. You're in Cantonania country. Yeah, pass. I don't want anything to do with Canada. I don't even like saying their name.
00:16:17
Speaker
Cantonadians. Yeah, just... Screw Canada. Speaking of... Where is that? There it is. Did you see? Publish, please. Thank you very much.
00:16:31
Speaker
Is this it? Did you see that? I fixed Google.
00:16:38
Speaker
Yeah, I got to send you a picture. you You beat me to the post. Although I like mine better because I put our ah put our logo. You put the actual logo? I actually... I put a logo. You're freaking a logo. yeah So I actually saw a post where somebody put the Gulf of Slayer, and I was like, ooh, I got an idea. Not that one.
00:17:01
Speaker
Oh, the middle. actually put our... Logo with the American flag and the beer mugs and the mic smack in the middle. And I put golf of above it in like our font.
00:17:13
Speaker
Right. Well, I tried to make it look as close to Google Maps as possible. Yeah. i did it I did it Saturday when we were... ah um I was being a passenger princess because I had no idea where we were going. So...
00:17:29
Speaker
I get it. I literally saw somebody do something similar. or they it was It was on Facebook and it was like Golf of Slayer. And I was like, yeah, Slayer's not that great of a band, but the Golf of Nonsensical Network, that sounds awesome.
00:17:44
Speaker
So I fixed it and then put it on Facebook and put your move, Google. But so yeah so good I one-upped Daddy Trump. I'm just saying. think I think it gave you a courtesy chuckle.
00:17:58
Speaker
funny yeah you know what i'll take it i'll take it oh we will you know girl me a glow worm yeah right okay blaze was like blaze was like yo uh Come up in the studio real quick And look at this asshole I was like oh god Hold on a second let me turn you guys on Once again What the fuck is on his head I'm telling you If I would have got the other ones With the kitty ears They were little pointy kitty ears that lit up And I was like yeah not doing that Because I was like If I could detach the kitty ears I would totally have gotten them Because they were just black headphones But the kitty ears were wired in
00:18:53
Speaker
a I don't know. I think you'll get the kid of yours just to piss you guys off. I'm a furry. You're the one that looks like an asshole, not me. It's not going to piss me off. However, Blaze and I came up a cool idea.
00:19:10
Speaker
i want to get stickers of the new logo that you made so that it shows nothing but the logo but the with the glow shining through. Nice. I just got figure out how to do it.
00:19:24
Speaker
cut it We might have some stickers available. We might have some stickers available soon. Nice. So, enough of my silly headphones that you're making fun of me about. Not that you didn't. Because they're clear as a fucking bell in my microphone. Not that you mentioned her.
00:19:42
Speaker
Not that you mentioned her in the intro. early, dude. Beauty in the Beard. Beauty in the Beard Creative Corner, who does all of our... nonsensical swag and your personalized swag if you'd like.
00:19:56
Speaker
ah We might be having some stickers made here soon. That's awesome. she is She is playing around with some vinyl stuff.
00:20:08
Speaker
She's like, you know, I can order stickers. I was like, fuck yeah. Let's go. You guys got to get that cricket. i want I want a cricket. i don't even make shit like t-shirts stuff, but I want a cricket because they just look cool.
00:20:23
Speaker
people got to start ordering stuff from her and then we can get money. Everybody, go on to Facebook, go on to Facebook, get it in here at Creative Corner or Instagram, hit Nikki up and get a shirt with my face on it just to piss her off.
00:20:41
Speaker
Or not. Nope. My face. That way she knows. It just says, and above my face it says, hi Nikki.
00:20:53
Speaker
Just sell a thousand of those, she'll wear one.
00:21:00
Speaker
She'd be happy about it. Anywho, what do you got for us, sir? Well, in the world of dumb... ye We're right up there. Yeah, in the world of dumb... Actually, I've got a few stories of the dumb this this week. um Nope, that's not where I needed to be. Oh, God, what happened to my That beaver.
00:21:24
Speaker
That beaver. Nice.
00:21:29
Speaker
Where was it at? Okay, so... yeah Oh, my God. I don't care with your ads.
00:21:38
Speaker
For the unholy love of God. Yeah. Hey, a nerd man was arrested in a sting operation after a woman is scammed out of $24,000. Hmm. Don't look at was scammed. I thought you were going to afford a nice attorney after that.
00:21:53
Speaker
yeah ah i not frozen the So speaking of the Canadians, speaking of the Canadians, they're dumb.
Bizarre Shark Attack Story
00:22:07
Speaker
South Minnesota. Yeah, they're dumb. No actual Canadians. A 55-year-old woman was on a trip ah a trip to the Turks and Caicos Islands with her husband when they lived what can only be described as a nightmare.
00:22:27
Speaker
brother-in-law says... Launching a fundraiser for the couple, Mr. Shivari, whatever, ah described what happened.
00:22:42
Speaker
A
00:22:46
Speaker
crazy dumb lady from Canada, after leaving the beach to join her husband... In only hip deep water, a seven foot bull shark came at my sister-in-law and bumped into her legs.
00:23:01
Speaker
Angelina Jolilex. He said the shark then circled around and bit her thighs off. Or bit her thigh. I was going to say bit them off. Not satisfied. The shark came back and when she put both hands in front of her really ah you Really? Get the fuck out of the water, you dummy! Yeah. ah They're really churching this up to make it feel bad make people feel bad for her.
00:23:33
Speaker
Shark bit both of her fucking hands off because she tried to take a picture of it when she was in the water.
00:23:40
Speaker
She deserves it. This guy is like... You don't deserve The shark attacked and bit her then circled around and just bit both of her hands off when she went to protect herself. When she was protecting herself with her phone. take like cameras I bet she's got great video.
00:23:55
Speaker
but ah they were They managed to wrestle the shark away. They hit him with that with a fucking stone-cold stunner. Yeah. you're gonna And a chokeslam.
00:24:10
Speaker
I'm just saying, if you get bit by shark, get the fuck out of water. It's not that difficult. You're, what did you say? Yeah, the shark can take it. Yeah,
00:24:25
Speaker
right? if If a seven foot shark swims towards you, I'm already out of the water. I'm already out on a seven-foot shark. You had me at goodbye. Hey, there he is.
00:24:38
Speaker
Fuck. I'm some fuck boss. The tourist had attempted to engage with the shark.
00:24:48
Speaker
the the tourist the tourist had attempted to engage with the shark with the animal from the shallows in an attempt to take photographs. So they were like, here, Sharky, Sharky, Sharky, look at the camera. Smile real big. So she's an idiot?
00:25:05
Speaker
No. So she's an idiot. She basically was like, it all the basically, basically, he, yeah, basically, he was like that hippo from Madagascar. I like like them choked. Moto, Moto, just bit your leg off.
00:25:22
Speaker
She can hang out with Connor now. I'm just saying. Hey, stranger danger. Oh my gosh. I'm just saying. yeah If you get bit by a shark and you're a hip deep and while the shark goes off to get another bite, get the fuck out of the water.
00:25:37
Speaker
If I'm her husband, I'm already capping my losses. I'm like, you lost both your hands. I'm calling the insurance company. Game over, lady. Enjoy. I'm calling the insurance company. Shut
00:25:50
Speaker
Shark one, wife zero. Husband, winner. Fucking winning it like this motherfucking show. How can you get it? Good thing I just paid up that life insurance policy. Right?
00:26:06
Speaker
Put your head down there, honey, look look so you can get a really good close picture. Oh, no, you lost your head. Oh, bummer. I'm leaving. Never here, and I have a headache again. Right? Oh, jeez.
00:26:20
Speaker
I'm sorry. ah A minnow flies by me in the ocean and I'm like, got it. Time to get out. I need another margarita. This is. No, I think it's you.
00:26:32
Speaker
You're freezing. You seriously need new laptop. But yeah, I'm sorry. If if if I see a shark, but see not get bit by one.
00:26:43
Speaker
If I see one, I'm out. I'll be at the bar. Catch you later. jesus Oh my gosh. How dumb can you get? While you're fixing your laptop, we're going play a little quick song. Go on break here. we'll pick Oh no, that you're fixed now.
00:26:58
Speaker
I'll fix it. I will say this though. If you want to go on vacation, the Turks and Caicos are rare for shark attacks. Only four people have been attacked by sharks between 2021 and 2025. You know, it's never happened here in Cancun that I know of a shark attack.
00:27:16
Speaker
I'm just saying. In the 20 years I've been here. Not that I know of. Yeah, but how much attention do you have? Because there's a lagoon.
00:27:27
Speaker
I don't, let's be honest. But yeah, it's it like a rare occurrence. let's Go ahead and take a look, because I don't know. Shark attacks Cancun in the last 20 years. shu a cats Shark in Cancun today was the first thing that came up with.
00:27:42
Speaker
ah shark attacks in cancun today was the first thing it came but
00:27:49
Speaker
Of course it is. I don't go to the beach, dude. I don't leave my house. There was a kid that was bitten in 2023. Oh, there go.
00:28:00
Speaker
He was in knee-deep water with his older brother when a shark attacked. He was bitten on the leg. He... The shark bite, he describes... the This is a tough little bastard in all honesty.
00:28:12
Speaker
Describe the bite as ah feeling like a shark bump. Like the shark just bumped into it. Well, most most sharks around here are Nerf sharks. They don't have teeth.
00:28:24
Speaker
They're like those... Apparently that shark did. I don't know. I don't know. I don't go to the beach because I'm smart. Are there sharks in Cancun? I have a pool. I have a pool. Why I need to go to the beach?
00:28:36
Speaker
I'm going to put sharks in your pool. nice Yes, there are indeed sharks in Cancun's. Yeah, well, I know that they have the aquarium. I went swimming with sharks in the aquarium.
00:28:49
Speaker
I got to swim with a great white. I mean, they're yeah I'm in a cage. So, whatever. But, anywho, we're going to take a real quick break. as we Yeah, go ahead. What's this? Picture of Connor losing his leg. The fact that there are 30 times more likely to be attacked by the shark in the U.S. Yeah.
00:29:08
Speaker
don't know when the statistics came out. but You want to where the most shark attacks are? At the beach?
00:29:18
Speaker
Obviously. In the ocean. I got it right, didn't I? It's in the ocean. um aal state Oh, I'm to say Florida because let's be honest.
00:29:30
Speaker
e You know what country has the most fatal shark attacks? Africa. Australia. not No surprise.
00:29:41
Speaker
Shocker. Everything is Australia wants to kill you. But they only have like there's like again I don't know when this is when this was done. ah Agreed Brian. It's usually a curiosity bite.
00:29:57
Speaker
I don't know when this was done. But this has 247 attacks in South Wales. 61 of them fatal. It's not high. sixty-one of them were fatal are really high Queensland, Australia has 191 attacks with 51 fatal.
00:30:14
Speaker
South Africa has 255 with 54 fatal. Florida has 828 and only 11 of them are fatal. So definitely stay out the waters in Australia. Or just don't go in the ocean.
00:30:25
Speaker
Be smart.
00:30:29
Speaker
I mean, Mexico has only had 40 total attacks. but See, is where the numbers are a little skewed. 40 attacks, but 20 of them were fatal.
00:30:40
Speaker
Mexico's got multiple coasts. Say Cancun or Mexico in general.
00:30:49
Speaker
Mexico. Mexico. You got the entire Gulf of America. hot See what I did there? You got Cancun and you got the other side of... the i mean, because Cancun's entire...
00:31:01
Speaker
Golf hook. Nonsensical. Yes. The Nonsensical Network Golf. Anywho, I believe i umm I'm hoping this is James Luker's or Derek Wayne Douglas's Chevy Silverado because I really want to hear that song because it's stuck in my head and we'll be act back in 2 minutes 39 seconds. It's fucking labeled. Well, all I see is one zero zero zero zero zero zero six eight two one Unless that's the wrong one.
00:31:31
Speaker
Yeah, that's not Derek Wayne.
00:31:35
Speaker
It's a picture of him. What?
00:31:40
Speaker
Right here. Yeah, that's not... That's not it? It's labeled. It's literally labeled. Oh, that's right, because we got like a thousand music songs.
00:31:53
Speaker
Anyways, we're going play Derek Wake Douglas' Chevy Silverado. We'll be right back in two minutes. Brian loves a black tip in his mouth. Wait, wait. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does.
00:32:18
Speaker
I'm in my Chevy Silverado, healing the label.
00:32:54
Speaker
You can feel that now, just chillin' with the window down. You can hear that sound, crickets in the background. You can feel that now. I'm in my Chevy Silverado, kneeling
00:34:27
Speaker
Yeah, little Derek Wagon Duck will throw your ear hole. I don't know how many songs, but how many plays it has on Spotify, but I'm pretty sure half of them are mine. I'm just saying.
00:34:39
Speaker
I think I listened to that song a lot. I love it. Couldn't tell you. lot. I would have to. It's a lot. Yeah. It will you.
00:34:49
Speaker
You like it, Blaze, don't like it. But yeah, welcome back, everybody, to What the Fuck News. All the news is news. Make sure you say what the fuck. Don't forget, everybody, bio.link slash nonsensicalnetwork.
00:35:00
Speaker
Everything we do is right there. And if you want to send us a story so we can talk about it, nonsensicalnonsensepodcast at gmail.com. And don't forget... yeah Don't forget. oh there she is.
00:35:12
Speaker
Beauty and the Beard Creative Corner all over your Facebook and your Instagram. Go ahead and go ahead drop Nikki a link. Tell her you want a t-shirt with my face on it just to make her angry.
00:35:23
Speaker
Because it would be hilarious. Nobody wants a t-shirt with your face. They do. They just don't want to admit it. And they all want headphones like mine. But we are back. Thank you to you.
00:35:41
Speaker
Sorry. That's a no-go. Fake news. thinking That is negative, Ghostwriter. The flight pattern is full. yeah I'll buzz that tower, baby. Don't you worry about it.
00:35:53
Speaker
You'll get shot down.
00:35:57
Speaker
You're rooster. So I'm going punch you in the face because I do not like Miles Teller.
00:36:04
Speaker
Anywho. So ah recently, Valentine's Day, buddy.
00:36:10
Speaker
I'll text you.
00:36:19
Speaker
i didn't put the who here. This dummy did.
00:36:28
Speaker
Valentine's Day was just happening a couple days ago. and Many people have named bugs and rats and cats after their exes for Valentine's Day this year. Yeah, I heard that was a new service you could do.
00:36:41
Speaker
Yeah, you basically, a snowy owl named Ghost eats frozen rats and a bird at the Bird Treatment and Learning centerup Center on February 6th in Anchorage, Alaska. The center is strong animal shelter and it's a zoo, blah, blah, blah.
00:36:58
Speaker
And you could actually yeah get an animal named but after your ex and then the bird will eat it. I think this is genius. I'm going to call them and name one click.
00:37:11
Speaker
Nice.
00:37:13
Speaker
Because it would be hilarious. But yeah. Hold on. Where did go? If I cared about you, your words would be hurtful. That eats frozen rice.
00:37:26
Speaker
Mice is what? Rats. It says rats, not mice. um They got about seven different things that will eat stuff. They got a hedgehog. there and They got a falcon.
00:37:39
Speaker
There's a lot of things that will eat stuff. Well, no, but the things that are are like, they eat rats. They got seven different things that will eat rats. They got a couple of pangolin falcons. They got a ghost, the snow owl, which, you know, going to have you be eaten by a falcon.
00:37:55
Speaker
I'm see if they got a red-tailed hawk that I can eat a rat named Glick to.
00:38:02
Speaker
Wouldn't be the first time you got eaten by hawk, but I'm just saying yeah
00:38:08
Speaker
well i think I think this is a genius thing. and They also have one in the Minnesota Zoo. Nobody cares about Minnesota.
00:38:19
Speaker
Some people care about Minnesota. Minnesotians? Is that a thing? don't know. oh you could even name You can name your ex after a hissing cockroach.
00:38:38
Speaker
i want and i want to name a one of one of the I want to name an after your ex.
00:38:45
Speaker
Well, call up the zoo and ask. don't know what they're going feed an elephant to. Oh, no, they're going to feed. I just want to have an elephant walk around named Charlotte. but they were like Yeah, I named that after gliach because they're the same got
00:39:06
Speaker
Oh, did I say that loud? I don't care. I did that. yeah I will literally have a plaque that says, Nonsensical Network, here lies Charlotte. but And then I'll put it on my angel death list.
00:39:20
Speaker
I'm just saying, I think this is a cool thing. like i I don't have a problem with any of my exes.
00:39:27
Speaker
Probably. They have problems with me Yes.
00:39:35
Speaker
like worth I'm sure some of them have problem with me, but once again, if I was salty about my ex, I would totally do this.
00:39:45
Speaker
Let's be honest. do You have enough exes to fill a truck. so I mean, not really, but... You have a bunch of ex-fiances. I mean... like of those um and not really but
00:40:04
Speaker
I'm just saying, buddy, you're the Ross of the Nonsensical Network. i got i got At least I got one thing. my I've never chased a woman off to another country to be with another man.
00:40:16
Speaker
What are you going to do? Touch his life. She left her homeland to get away from you. Hey, that's called power.
00:40:27
Speaker
She'd have come she because She'd her ass back. I know. What are you going to
00:40:37
Speaker
But yeah, no, I like this idea. You know, I've heard stuff like this before. as i heard there was a there was a guy I remember where it was. I want to say Florida or something where was like, people would pay him like $10 to name a mouse after their ex and then feed it to his snake.
00:41:00
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah hashtag worth it. Yeah, I think I've seen that on like TikTok or some shit. Yeah. I'm just saying, if I had an ex that I was salty about, I would totally do.
00:41:12
Speaker
I'm sure I've been named after a couple of disgusting animals.
00:41:18
Speaker
Yeah, you are a disgusting animal. I know. But in the best way, I'm cute and guttling.
00:41:26
Speaker
Not really. I feed my ex to a snake. You know what?
00:41:32
Speaker
That's John Boyd. John Boy got fed to a snake. I'm just saying. I mean, wouldn't it just be a lot more it's enjoyable to see but rather than just naming a rat?
00:41:48
Speaker
Can I just throw her into the lion pen and see what happens? Well, did you see about this this one lady? She she was... She was standing at a zoo and and she was at the polar bear cage. I saw this on TikTok.
00:42:03
Speaker
She was at the polar bear enclosure, right? And there's a pool in there and she's stupid. So she jumped in. What did the polar bear do? It jumped in the water and attacked her.
00:42:15
Speaker
And I'm just saying, I was like, is she from Florida or in Florida? I didn't get really a whole lot of detail. I saw it in bass and I was like, ah, that's what you get. That's called Fafo.
00:42:26
Speaker
Walk around and find out. so Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes. I don't blame that Pella Bear because you come into my house uninvited. I'm going to do the same thing. going to attack you. Welcome welcome to America.
00:42:41
Speaker
Welcome to the jungle, baby.
00:42:46
Speaker
Don't do stupid stuff. I agree. if you're going to be dumb, you've got to be tough. As the song says. so Really? which song is Yeah, it's called If You're going to Be Dumb.
00:43:01
Speaker
It's the Jackass theme song. If gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough. You've never heard of it. Yeah, it's ah Arthur Alan Wade or something like that is his name.
00:43:18
Speaker
I stopped watching Jackass after like season two. No, no. But no I love that song. yeah i gotta I'll look up what the name of that song is because I have it on my Spotify. I'm just saying. T-Shirt Road, T-Shirt Road. Well... I have everything on my Spotify.
00:43:37
Speaker
Well, an Ohio woman is suing Hulk Hogan.
Hulk Hogan Beer Can Lawsuit Discussion
00:43:41
Speaker
Yes, Hulk Hogan. Former wrestler. Former porn star.
00:43:48
Speaker
Former...
00:43:52
Speaker
would Would he be the cucker?
00:43:56
Speaker
If he cucked somebody?
00:43:59
Speaker
Yeah. he was so hu The cucky would be the one sitting there watching. The cucker would be the one banging his wife. Former cucker. Former real American hero.
00:44:11
Speaker
An Ohio woman sues Hulk Hogan for her beer related injury oh a A what-related? A beer-related injury. beer-related? A woman sues Hulk Hogan for a beer can incident causing injury and scars after getting cracked in the head by a full beer can possibly thrown 50 feet by Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is 80 years old. He's not throwing anything 50 feet.
00:44:37
Speaker
Maybe with a can.
00:44:41
Speaker
An Ohio woman has taken the former wrestler and his beer company to court.
00:44:46
Speaker
Terry Bolella also known as Hulk Hogan as had his share of scandals over the years from little lies, like telling the public that Metallica begged him to join their band, too much bigger issues like a videotaped sex scandal and racism.
00:45:04
Speaker
Hogan has found several ways to damage his brand since the 80s. And you can see detailed list of Hogan's scandals by blah, blah, blah, blah. Nobody cares. Now he's being sued for an incident that happened late last August at a bar called the Thirsty Cowboy in medea Medina. Medina.
00:45:21
Speaker
um But Dinah, whatever the fuck. i'm from the play I'm from here and I can't say the names half these cities. I'm trying to quote from the attorney, Eric, who is representing the victim in the Gaines.
00:45:38
Speaker
Basically, he was there promoting his real American beer. Okay, I can see what he's trying to do there. He just failed miserably. Michelle...
00:45:50
Speaker
Harlukowitz. Wow, she's... well Yeah, that happened. I caught that.
00:46:01
Speaker
I heard you. you Probably herself trying to fucking walk and breathe at the same time. breathe She was struck in the head my shield. Yeah.
00:46:12
Speaker
She was struck the head by a sealed beer can and is suing for medical expenses, pain and suffering, and emotional distress, according to the lawsuit. How much? Last week. So, it happened last August. I mean, we're talking almost a year ago.
00:46:28
Speaker
And you're just now filing a lawsuit? um Well, I'd like to tell you, but there's a stupid fucking ad that just popped up. I agree. I'm just saying, give her hundred bucks, tell her to buy yourself a beer and shut the hell up.
00:46:41
Speaker
Yeah, give her a free case of real American beer. Learn how duck. Learn how to duck. Yeah, the lawsuit was filed last week. Neither Hulk Hogan, his beer company, nor the Thirsty Cowboy have responded in the lawsuit at this time. If you love making fun of Ohio like I do.
00:46:59
Speaker
Who doesn't? happen Yeah, there you go. I mean, Oh, sweet. Ohio's top ten drunkest cities. Nice. Oh, this is at the end of the story.
00:47:12
Speaker
I wonder if any of them... Oh, Cincinnati. Oh, Zanesville. That's right down the road. That was Zanesville, yes. um Yeah, so he was he was there at the bar. He was promoting. He's been going around.
00:47:25
Speaker
He's been promoting the hell out of the real American beer, which I wouldn heard which i found out when we were headed out of town. i can buy from the distributor down the road, so I want to check it out and see if it's any good.
00:47:37
Speaker
It's a beer. Hogan is whose role model? Maybe be yours. Brian. But anyway, so he's at this bar and I actually remember when this happened because it was a whole to do and it was like, well, look at this funny video. This dumb bitch getting cracked in the head by Hulk Hogan throwing a beer. yeah So Hogan was like doing Hulk Hogan, being Hulkster, you know, amping up his beard. He's just tossing beer cans to the crowd. It's,
00:48:06
Speaker
look It's not like he hawked it. You're not a sports guy I used to play sports and if you if you dropped a pass or if somebody threw the ball and you didn't catch it, you always yelled nice hands, feet.
00:48:21
Speaker
Right. This was the instance in this case. I don't see where the lawsuit is. I don't either because I'm sure she wasn't the first one to get ah beer tossed at.
00:48:33
Speaker
you know As you said, he's promoting. He's tossing things out. and it's and Like I said, it's not like he Tom-80'd that shit, Perfect Spiral, because he's in his 80s.
00:48:44
Speaker
you know he had just It's all like up a softball toss. and She's stupid and wasn't paying attention.
00:48:52
Speaker
a If I was him, I'd have a bunch of things there. Catch up, buddy. Catch up. Stop watching Star Trek. Yeah. Turn it in. Right? It's not that goddamn commie beard you drink, please. Hey, real American.
00:49:14
Speaker
I'm going to laugh when this gets tossed out of court. I just want to know if every time you pop a can and of real American beer, if Hogan's wrestling entrance.
00:49:24
Speaker
no That's a Kool-Aid, man. If his wrestling theme plays. You know what? I'm not mad at that. or or Or when you open it, it goes, what you gonna do, brother? Drink this beer, brother.
00:49:38
Speaker
oh yeah. I mean, that would get me to drink a beer again. I'm just saying. Hey, Glick, check this out. What you gonna do, brother? Look at that.
00:49:50
Speaker
I'm just gonna sit here and open beer all night. It's gonna be awesome. I'm not gonna drink it. All the little Hulksters. I agree. You would think that would be it. instead of Instead of say your prayers and eat your vitamins, Hulksters going telling all the little Hulksters to say their prayers and drink their beer.
00:50:10
Speaker
Yeah, they say that to all the cliques. Say your prayers and drink your beer, brother. I'll snap into a Slim Jim. I'm just saying this. You know, I think this woman is, she's looking for a money grab. Let's be honest. Probably. Probably.
00:50:26
Speaker
do want to try the bourbon skull lager. If you get hit by a beer, it's not going to tickle. It's going to hurt. But once again, didn't Tom Brady that shit. Yeah, but kind of emotional damages and stress is it going to cause you? The video's on the internet. You got cracked in the head with a beer can. Everybody laughed at you. first time. You know what?
00:50:50
Speaker
Most people would have... That wasn't the worst thing to have heard that night. Yeah, like, you're you're embarrassed for about a week or so. They get over it laugh at it. and It's a story that you get to tell people for the rest of your life. Hey, one day I was at the gay cowboy up in Medina and Paul Cogan hit me with a beer can in the head. thank You know? Dude, you have dined out on that for months.
00:51:14
Speaker
I'm just saying. I agree. Paul Cogan is bullshit. What up, Jedi? I just think it's one of those things. It's like, if I'm going to be in a bar and I see Hulk Hogan throwing beer, should I just jump up and try to get hit with it so I can sue him too? I want to throw a beer at back at him.
00:51:36
Speaker
Yeah, let's play. You can die to the ranch. Can you die to beer?
00:51:45
Speaker
I'm just saying. What? It's one of those things. Stop looking. if you know Once again, she's not the person first person to get that beer tossed in her.
00:51:56
Speaker
Pay attention. Hawk Hogan's in the room throwing beers. Learn how to it's it's yeah it's What it boils down to was had it been Jim Bob the bartender on a Saturday night tossing a beer and and it it hit her in the face, it would have been like, oh, fuck, my bad. Let me get you a couple of beers, drinks on us.
00:52:20
Speaker
blah, blah, blah. And then it started over with the fact that it's Hulk Hogan. And I don't think Hogan has as much money these days as people think he does. I don't think so either. Okay.
00:52:33
Speaker
So I do think it's a big money grab at the end of the day. i agree.
00:52:39
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's a joke. it's It's a money grab. Dude, if anybody with money walks into a bar, I'm going to trip in front of them and blame them.
00:52:50
Speaker
So I can get a payday. I can't wait until I'm rich and famous and I have Glick's Lager, Glick's Beer.
00:52:58
Speaker
I'm shooting it out of cannons. Bet. I'm taking people out. Like Tate-a-gun style. Boom! Boom! Boom!
00:53:09
Speaker
Why do I keep getting hit, Click? This is bullshit. You'll be fine. Drink six of these and call me in the morning. Wake up with beer hit marks on Earth. Not only am I a podcaster, but I'm also a doctor. I got a cigarette of beer hit at me by Click.
00:53:27
Speaker
Yeah, I think this is it's it's definitely a money grab, and that chick needs to calm the fuck down. Hogan's a twat.
00:53:36
Speaker
but not saying I'm going to get in a fight with him, but I agree. He's a twat. Why do I got to be a hot dog? Why do I want a hot dog?
00:53:48
Speaker
it's it's It's a joke. what you but What do you mean he's on NARC?
00:53:53
Speaker
He's a union buster. Oh, really? I'm sorry. ah you know This is my opinion, and I know there's there's people out there that look up to the guy and and he is a role model and b blabby blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:54:07
Speaker
But I've never been a Hulk Hogan guy and he's kind of a scumbag. He's kind of a scumbag. agree. I agree. like i never even watched it. The only reason I watched his show is because his daughter's hot.
00:54:22
Speaker
She's like, not really, but
00:54:26
Speaker
Well, if you watch anybody on that show, she's the best-looking one. So, you know, I'll call him the boy and his wife. oh Yeah. I don't know what she looks like now. It's not like I follow her or anything because I don't care. But it's one of those things. It's like it's not.
00:54:43
Speaker
He's a scumbag. I always find him as a dork. just ah He's just he he he's like the ultimate. um
00:54:53
Speaker
ahha lost of my train of thought. But, yeah he he's yeah, he's just an ultimate opportunist, man. He just gets in where he can get in. And, and you know, you as a wrestling fan, you see, you know, like he was such a fucking cock smooch and demanded everything to be about him and demanded that the highest wages and had creative control and would screw over a fuck ton of wrestlers just to put himself over.
00:55:20
Speaker
and And he's just a fuckbag, man. And I loved when when they had the Netflix premiere and they fucking paraded his stupid ass out and they booed him out of the arena in California. That was amazing.
00:55:34
Speaker
i mean And you know what? They fixed the video and they filtered in cheers and ah got rid of the boos. But yeah, the way you know editing you you watch that shit live. He got booed the fuck out of the arena.
00:55:48
Speaker
Fucking Hogan's a scumbag. You know what? I take it back. I hope this lady does get paid. you i You know what? You're right. I hope so, too. Fuck Hulk Hogan. Hollywood Hulk Hogan.
00:56:00
Speaker
Douchebag. thanks Yeah, he wasn't even that good in Rocky. He wasn't even that good in Rocky. And I don't even like Rocky. Anyways.
00:56:12
Speaker
We'll be right back because I got a phone call coming in. People used to make fun of John Cena when he first started acting, but... You know what? John Cena is a good actor. And Hulk Hogan is one of the worst actors I've ever seen.
00:56:26
Speaker
So, we are going to be right back. We're going to do a little Jay Valor here, because I just saw this on here and now I want to hear it, with his cover of Knocking on Heaven's Door.
00:56:40
Speaker
We'll be right back.
00:56:45
Speaker
Is not a cover? No, it's just a sample. Oh, it is. It's just a sample. Whatever. you the blood Look, you don't want to see you don't want to sound like other ass clowns that try to talk. hey No, no, no. I'm not trying to talk like I know music.
00:57:01
Speaker
I just saw the song here and I thought it was knocking on heavy shore. Just a little sand sample sample. It's a totally different song. It's a kick-ass song. That's what I want to know. i want to know if it's good. So I'm going to listen to it. so And we'll be right back after this. We'll be right back.
00:57:26
Speaker
I'll be feeling like I'll be tired of life, trying to find the right words to say. Like if I get on the mic and work the pain, maybe it'll help to take some hurt away. And I could blossom through this dirt or lay. I could turn the page, use the person's age.
00:57:36
Speaker
Maybe learn to pray so I could earn my way. In the heaven of protest at the early gates, cause I don't feel I'm worthy. Wait, I hit footsteps, start to turn my way. I don't got beef, just a 38. I'll let something fly out this birdie's cage till it's empty.
00:57:48
Speaker
Don't tempt me, but these They're telling me don't be alright. Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.
00:58:08
Speaker
Everything's gonna be okay.
00:59:42
Speaker
Fearing that the a little boy knocking at heaven's door? Did I spend my course searching for metaphors Trying to worship right just to get ignored?
01:00:11
Speaker
So
01:00:41
Speaker
You know what? I like that. I think I've heard that before. But I like it. So I'm going to add it to my playlist. Yeah, i would think that you've heard it before. We've played it quite a bit on the network.
01:00:53
Speaker
Yeah, but I usually don't pay attention when you do stuff. So, mean, let's honest. Yeah, well, that's your problem, not mine. My job is to show up and turn on my camera. And that's what I do. Anywho...
01:01:06
Speaker
Welcome back, everybody, to What the Fuck News. All the news that is, news may say what the fuck. Don't forget, scrolling at the bottom screen, bio.link slash nonsensicalnetwork. Go ahead and give us a like, give us a share, and let everybody know. And in that bio link, you'll find Beauty and the Beard Creative Corner.
01:01:23
Speaker
Go ahead and get a t-shirt with my face on it just to piss off Nikki. It'll be funny. Trust me. And, of course, you can get nonsensical gear. You can get your own stuff. can get whatever you want that as long as she can make it.
01:01:34
Speaker
She'll explain further when you contact her. um
01:01:40
Speaker
Yeah. I lost my train of thought. but My brain shot off there for a You have an Android, right? what We're Android people.
01:01:54
Speaker
We don't do iPhone because we're not tucks. An Android user texted nudes to his friends, family members, due to an emergency alert.
Emergency Alert Mishap: Accidental Nude Sharing
01:02:07
Speaker
It's a great way to send a dick pic, it says. so wait Wait a minute. Hold a second. What? I'm reading this, so I'm going to read it out to you. An Android user accidentally... text nudes to his friend and family members due to an emergency alert.
01:02:22
Speaker
So, you know, you get those emergency alert, like ah in California, they had those fires and stuff. And, it you know, when an emergency alert goes out anymore, remember way back in the day, it would show up on your TV, go, woo bo boo and then give the emergency alert.
01:02:37
Speaker
well Now it goes up on cell phones and it went up on his cell phone and he went to turn it off and he's lying in bed naked because he was just busy doing so. He'd just gotten out the shower or something.
01:02:48
Speaker
And he went to shut off phone and but it took pictures and sent.
01:02:59
Speaker
Dude, you like that sometimes. Full frontal, man. he was According to him, he says, my day was starting off quite interesting anyways, the person wrote. he went he would went to bed last night in the nude because it was warm.
01:03:15
Speaker
and And he had set the alarm to assure he would wake up on time. When the alarm started the next morning, he swatted at his phone. Like, you oh, my God.
01:03:26
Speaker
And it took pictures. As he was half asleep and it got sent out to everybody in his contact list. seen I think that's an excuse.
01:03:39
Speaker
because I'm going to call BS. I agree because on my phone, when you know I have an Android. When my alarm goes off, I swipe up and it's gone. It stops.
01:03:53
Speaker
I've never accidentally taken a photo with my phone. Ever. and I've sent messages by putting it in my back pocket without turning off the screen. It's usually just gibberish. It's never yeah a whole bunch of random ass, a whole bunch of random ass shit. You know, it's like
01:04:11
Speaker
nothing of any content. Yeah. Where you get people like, what are you drunk? Did you pocket dial me? You know, I've had that when co dialed somebody.
01:04:22
Speaker
But I've never accidentally taken a photo.
01:04:27
Speaker
ever Yeah, I can't say that. Like, I've never even accidentally taken a screenshot because, you know, you've got to hit two buttons. And it's the two buttons on the side of my phone.
01:04:38
Speaker
it's It's so weird. I'm calling BS. He just wanted a reason to send his dick pictures everyone. But why would he want to send a dick pic to family and shit?
01:04:50
Speaker
i ah I agree that's the weird thing. And my so my thought is this. He was like, I'm going to send this to every chick. And he accidentally said all. You know what i mean? that And he was half asleep. That or he's a fan of a team that likes to say a roll tight.
01:05:09
Speaker
This is true. Unfortunately, it doesn't go into a lot of detail. Because I literally put everything in my text reader and listened to it during the song. the it just ah It literally just said the security, the the the alarm went off and he swatted.
01:05:28
Speaker
It's not that hard to just swipe up one finger. And usually when you're when you're asleep, your phone's locked.
01:05:37
Speaker
And even if it's you're on WhatsApp or something else, you swipe up it, you know, because it lights up the whole screen. I'm calling bullshit. I think he's just wanted to send out dick pics.
01:05:49
Speaker
He wanted to send his wiener, bro. Roll Tide, baby. Roll Tide. You could do that. You can just go to Glick's OnlyFans and send it to him. Hey, ma, look at my wiener. and Check out my... It's grown since you last seen it. yeah When I was a little look my I wish it said how old he was because it would probably put everything in context because he's like 20 or something like that.
01:06:13
Speaker
If he's our age, it's like, yeah, dude, you should know better. But if he's like 20, we're like, okay, I get it. He could be like, It could be like in his 70s or something like ah Old people in technology. you know This is true.
01:06:27
Speaker
This is true. But unfortunately, it doesn't say his age, and I'm kind of upset about that. i Once again, I call bullshit. There's no way in hell. I've done a lot of stupid shit on my phone by accident. Like, I'll send you a message that's literally gibberish or all...
01:06:43
Speaker
all I'll hit record when I go to do an audio, and it'll record me falling down the stairs or something stupid. But I've never accidentally sent a photo of anything. tell you right now, every message you send me is fucking gibberish.
01:06:58
Speaker
Well, this is true.
01:07:02
Speaker
At least that's how I view it. I'm like, Jesus, fuck. Jesus, fuck. Jesus, fuck. ah there's fucking yeah Jesus fuck, Suze. At least Suze isn't fucking making those weird noises like before the show. man you language pop starting phone Every time she does start to make noises, I start fucking with her. It sounded like the dog was choking death.
01:07:31
Speaker
before she's i' fat She falls asleep and she just starts making all kinds of weird noise. You just described us.
01:07:41
Speaker
you know those prefer chicken You know those rubber chickens that you squeeze and then they're like, yeah sometimes she sounds like one of those. And I'm like, damn, Suze. I like going to Walmart and find a bucket of them. And then just walk away like nothing happened.
01:07:57
Speaker
if There's a special place in hell for people like you. Oh, I'm also that guy when I walk down the toilet, when I see the button says press me, I press them all. Oh, yeah, I do that. I'm always pushing.
01:08:09
Speaker
try me. chinese Try Try me. Don't tempt me with a good time. Try me, motherfucker. Think I'm afraid? Walk around and find out.
01:08:22
Speaker
Boom. Tried you. What you going to do about it? But I also, I like to i like to connect my phone to Bluetooth stereos to test them out and then play weird songs.
01:08:33
Speaker
And then just walk away to see how far the Bluetooth will go. like a yeah Like I said before, you know, used to be able to connect to the...
01:08:45
Speaker
music system at Planet Fitness and I would play our show. no i So Walmart has this it's a, it's you know those speakers you can buy?
01:08:56
Speaker
Well, it's got two 15-inch subwoofers. ah yeah And it stands like this tall. This thing is like four foot tall. So i was I was in there the other day picking up my my lunch and I was like, nice.
01:09:10
Speaker
yeah And they had it plugged in and on. I turned it into Bluetooth real quick, connected, and walked away. Got about two aisles over. Hit play. I was like, oh my gosh, what's that noise? What the hell is that? like Who's playing that?
01:09:27
Speaker
It's a weird song. I love doing it. My kids and my wife were like, really? I'm like, yeah, really. I just played that David Allen Cole song.
01:09:39
Speaker
oh yeah That's who sings that song. If you're going to be dumb, you got to be tough. It's David Allen Cole. David Allen Coe. Is it Coe? I don't know.
01:09:52
Speaker
don't read things. Yes. David Allen Coe. But I'll play that song. More from the fish world you, Jeffrey. Yeah, fishies. no more from the fish world for you jeffrey yeah fishy A mermaid performer has her head swallowed by a giant aquarium fish during the show.
Viral Mermaid and Sturgeon Video
01:10:15
Speaker
Why can't anybody get video of this shit? A viral video shot at the Mekong underwater world, underwater world in Yunnan, China, which if you remember them, they recently got in trouble. We talked about, I think they're the ones that painted the dog to look like the panda.
01:10:32
Speaker
Yeah. No, it made it look like a tiger. No, it was a panda. No, it was a panda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. ah a popular tourist attraction in China's Yunin province, recently attracted a lot of criticism for allegedly trying to cover up an incident involving a mermaid performer and a giant fish that attacked her during a live performance.
01:10:54
Speaker
Halfway through the mermaid show, an underwater ballet performance, the young Russian woman, known only as Masha, gets her head swallowed by a huge sturgeon.
01:11:06
Speaker
How big is that fish how small is that woman? That one down there started bleeding when I took the thing. Yeah, probably. um Well, have you ever seen sturgeon?
01:11:20
Speaker
Yeah, but they're like... Sturgeons are massive. they They're fucking giant fish. Yeah, they're fucking giant fish. um take Gets her head swallowed by that. It crept up behind her.
01:11:35
Speaker
Luckily, the 22-year-old woman maintains her composure and manages to swim to the surface and get help. Although the show was reportedly stopped for at least an hour and a half, management at the Mekong Underwater Wild allegedly offered the dancer a meager compensation for moral damages and specifically asked her not to talk about the incident.
01:11:55
Speaker
Well, I don't think she's going to follow those recommendations. Mekong China Underwater where a mermaid gets swallowed. I'm looking up the video.
01:12:08
Speaker
I've got to see this. I'm not going to show it, but I want to see this. It's
01:12:17
Speaker
pretty wild. Holy shit.
01:12:22
Speaker
Oh shit, there is video. Yeah, there's there's video it. it's It's pretty fucking wild, man. Wow, that thing is big as her. That thing is almost double her size.
01:12:33
Speaker
Damn, it totally takes out her mouth or takes out her head. like it It sucked it in. like You can see her. she's like It's swimming above her. and it just She just goes... She gets sucked up there like like like she's behind a straw.
01:12:49
Speaker
It's kind of cool. I'm not mad at her. There's a show that I like to watch with Jeremy Wade called River Monsters.
01:13:00
Speaker
Right. And he's tangled with sturgeon before. they They're big fucking fish, bro. Made by O&N. What's made by O&N, Brian?
01:13:11
Speaker
It's good product, man. Don't knock.
01:13:16
Speaker
No, that's a Walmart. Oh, is it? ah that's That's insane. I'm just saying. one Just doing her show. Doing her little mermaid. yes she's just like Can you imagine? that me That's like us We're doing our show and all of a sudden the fish just attacks you.
01:13:32
Speaker
i will record. Keegan, what's up, buddy? That's one of my coworkers. Well, let me go ahead and copy this and put it my reader.
01:13:45
Speaker
Oh, sketch, sketch, sketch,
01:13:49
Speaker
we've talked about ah crazies out there but i think i have the cake cops i see you're crazy and i raise you a crazy well no i raise you crazy trust me so there is a teacher yeah yeah that's what i got yeah you got it now yeah So
Teacher Identifying as Cat: Parental Concerns
01:14:15
Speaker
a high school teacher reportedly identifies as a cat, licks his hands and hisses at students.
01:14:21
Speaker
Parents have expressed their concerns with clean queen Queensland High School teacher who has reportedly been referred to himself themselves as a cat, allegedly hissing at students and licking the back of his their hands.
01:14:37
Speaker
You know, I call cats speed bumps, so... see but ah There's a photo and a short video. ah Is that the dog? Oh my God. It sounds like a weird vacuum cleaner.
01:14:53
Speaker
Stop. Yeah, she's just fucking breathing. She asked students to call her Miss Purr. Nope, not going to do it.
01:15:05
Speaker
Not going to do it I'm going to throw balls of yarn at you all day that are covering rocks.
01:15:15
Speaker
Yeah. You know, we never had this issue in school, like ever. The worst thing we had to deal with when it came to teacher was was our teacher telling us we couldn't work together because we would fuck it up.
01:15:33
Speaker
here And that was you and me You know, we were supposed to paint that giant weird satellite. No, because be because not we're not allowed because we'd fuck it up.
01:15:45
Speaker
Because our our our generation had dodgeball. Exactly. And if you could add to red and you don't have to worry about it. yeah and We have bullies.
01:15:57
Speaker
Right. Like, this isn't the kind of teacher we would have shoved in a locker. and Like, yeah, don't be a cat in there, dummy.
01:16:07
Speaker
Yeah, not even they would have never made it to being a teacher because we would have bullied it out of them. That teacher would have cried by the end of the day.
01:16:19
Speaker
Because that that would have been the first thing I'd say. Well, cats are speed bumps. I'm going to run you over after school.
01:16:26
Speaker
Mm-hmm. So I'm just saying, I, I, would i I seriously hope that parents start taking their kids out that school.
01:16:38
Speaker
Like, yeah, you're not going to school as long as that teacher's there. Just because fuck around and find out. I'm just saying this, this, this woman's dumb.
01:16:50
Speaker
They are dumb. Fuck. That is one stupid cat. that is one stupid cat yeah That darn cat. Oh, look at that movie reference. and Two of them.
01:17:03
Speaker
I would do that. yeah they no Oh, that darn cat. but i mean Unfortunately, today, we can't say anything about it because we have to be all inclusive. say whatever the hell I want. Nope, nope, nope. no I don't play that game.
01:17:18
Speaker
I don't play that game.
01:17:21
Speaker
I would really walk in there every day. I would walk in there and I'm like, well, you know what? I... identify as a problem and you're about to have them.
01:17:33
Speaker
And if you have if you have I have to call you Miss Purr, you need to call me m Mr. I'm going to be in a in the ass today because that's what I'm going to I identify as a Doberman Pinscher. I identify as a Doberman Pinscher.
01:17:50
Speaker
And I also identify it as not liking cats. So now going to chase said teacher around the classroom all day. Every day. okay And if anybody said, right, she can identify as a cat. I can identify as a pain in the ass.
01:18:05
Speaker
I'm a dog. I'm a Doberman. Yes. I am a St. Bernard. and I was going to chase her around the classroom barking every day.
01:18:16
Speaker
ah You know, and that's one of the things that you and I would do at and school. We would just sit there and bark for no reason. See if she gets scared.
01:18:25
Speaker
I wonder if she's afraid of cats. ah which I wish I knew. Well, I mean, I'm sure she's not afraid of cats. She identifies as a cat.
01:18:34
Speaker
Oh, my God, dude. They don't show her face, but she does wear cat ears. And her hair is shorter than mine. Just saying a lot. Did you need to move closer so everybody could hear you?
01:18:46
Speaker
Who said that? Oh, the dog. me yeah cause This is what we're doing. It's like thats the dog's in my ear. Dude, I would bring my dog to school. It's an emotional support animal.
01:19:01
Speaker
i was the cat I would bring my emotional support alligator who is catatarian and only eats cats. I agree. I think it's a win-win situation here.
01:19:13
Speaker
We fixed two problems. Get the dumb people gone and we got rid of that teacher. Well, speaking about growing up in a generation where we used to get our asses beat by friends and peers and parents for being dumb asses.
Father-Son Police Call Over Homework Dispute
01:19:32
Speaker
Right. A 10-year-old boy reprimanded by his father for not completing his homework. Took revenge on his parent.
01:19:43
Speaker
Jesus. Really?
01:19:47
Speaker
and We all know you're here. Are you hosting the show? Loud and clear. Loud and clear. She just got closer and she's got her head propped up on a pile of blankets literally staring at the computer. you doing, Suze?
01:20:05
Speaker
Would you like to host the show, Suze? Barely see her. Yeah, I know. All you can see is the gray in her face because she's so fat and old. as She blends into into the couch.
01:20:17
Speaker
No, that's not blending into the couch. That is her. Yeah, that is not the couch. That is Suze. But anyways, the 10-year-old boy took revenge on his father by calling the police and telling them that his father was hiding forbidden drugs.
01:20:33
Speaker
Nice. The bizarre incident took place earlier this month in China's Yung-Ning County. um After being severely scolded by his father for not completing his homework, on time, the 10-year-old boy stormed out of the house, went straight to the nearby store and asked if you could use the phone.
01:20:55
Speaker
The fifth grader dialed 110, their equivalent to 911, I'm assuming, trained his emergency number and asked to speak to the police claiming that he had proof his father was concealing poppy shells.
01:21:09
Speaker
considered an illegal drug at home. Then he waited calmly for the peace police to arrive and let them let them home so they could conduct a search and confirm his story.
01:21:22
Speaker
And if they didn't find anything, the police sat there and watched the father beat his ass. Oh, daddy went to jail, all right, but for another reason. Because he whooped the shit out of that guy. I'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:21:35
Speaker
You guys might not want to leave. I'm going to jail. Yeah, 100%. I look good in orange, little boy. Let's do this. Yeah, I'm going to jail today because I got this belt right here. o but Actually, I have an eight-pound championship belt.
01:21:49
Speaker
I'm about to rock your shit. You know, what it was it? I think it was on a Madea movie. It's like, yeah, you called the cops, but it's going to take them at least three minutes to get here and By that time, I'm going to beat your ass.
01:22:04
Speaker
um You better tell him bring an ambulance too he because you're stupid and you deserve every bit of this beating because you're dumb and no pudding for that kid. Yeah, you can't eat your cake. if we did And let's be honest, they're Asian. If you don't do your homework at Asian, you're lucky. He's lucky to be breathing.
01:22:28
Speaker
We've all seen those videos. Just saying. Well, Jeff, there's worse things. san for Is that kid recently from the States?
01:22:38
Speaker
He's very privileged to be calling the cops on his pops. Yeah, right? so Well, Jeff, there's a there's worse things your spouse could do other than leave the country for another man.
01:22:52
Speaker
yeah? What's that?
The Kidney Scam: A Tale of Deceit
01:22:54
Speaker
An Indian woman stands accused of tricking her husband into selling his kidney on the black market. to fund her daughter's education only to then steal the money and run away with her lover.
01:23:06
Speaker
What a bitch. you You can convince me to lot of shit. You're not cutting me open. I don't give a fuck who you are. Yeah, she, uh, a woman from, uh, allegedly, uh, yeah, a woman from West Bengal allegedly, allegedly spent months trying to convince her husband to sell one of her kidneys in order to fund their daughter's on,
01:23:29
Speaker
higher education and arrange her and arrange her marriage in the future. Although reluctant, at first, the man eventually grew to believe that his sacrifice would improve the family's financial situation and secure his child's future.
01:23:44
Speaker
He spent a year looking for a buyer on the black market as selling human organs, has been illegal in India for over three decades, but he finally found one about three months ago. After going through the painful procedure, he entrusted the money For his kidney, 1 million rupees or $11,500.
01:24:05
Speaker
Not bad for a kidney. yeah Less than $12,000. I might want to sell a kidney at this point. yes yeah ah To his wife, only to have her steal the money and elope with another man.
01:24:19
Speaker
She said, deuces. cold. She's cold. Got some money and I'm out. She's cold. ah That is a bitch you see.
Dark Shark Joke and Justifiable Homicide Discussion
01:24:32
Speaker
Amen. That's horrible. i hope she I hope she gets eaten by a shark and a sturgeon. I'm just saying.
01:24:44
Speaker
Go take that selfie with that shark. See what happens? Yeah, right. Jesus.
01:24:53
Speaker
You know, I would not fault that man one bit one minute for shooting them both.
01:24:59
Speaker
don't think anybody would. I'm so hungry. don't have to
01:25:08
Speaker
worry. yes I spend all my time on Dallas. However, i will put this. Hashtag worth it because now he doesn't have to deal with that bitch.
01:25:19
Speaker
Because you can live with one kid. Yeah. Oh, I'm definitely thinking justifiable homicide, man, if he kills a moat. 100%. Totally worth it.
01:25:31
Speaker
Hashtag worth it. I'm not mad at him. However, once again, it's it's one of those things like, well, fuck that bitch. I don't know. That means he's he's fresh on the market and he's lighter.
01:25:46
Speaker
He's lost a couple pounds. was just kidding. I don't know.
01:25:51
Speaker
Double stone? Kidney stone. I see what I did there. I quit. I hope the the money gets repossessed because his kidney's bad. say
01:26:04
Speaker
I don't think somebody off the black market's going to be coming back to rep repossess. hey ah yeah They might kill her. and I'm just saying like... I'm just saying shady creatures, dude.
01:26:16
Speaker
Shady people. I don't
Shady Activities and Black Market Talk
01:26:18
Speaker
understand. Shady individuals, shady creatures. Black market people, let's be honest, not the most trustworthy cats. but This is a true story, but also if you're doing the illegal act, most of the time, if you're doing something illegal, you're not going to do something that's going to put you in the spotlight to where you get caught.
01:26:37
Speaker
I agree. It's one of those things. It's like... You cut your losses. You got the kidney. gots kiddding You Hopefully nobody says anything. Hopefully nobody rats you out you know in this situation. Like I said, husband should just... you know nights The night the lights went out in Georgia.
01:26:54
Speaker
I'm just saying. I'm not mad at him. He's got blood stains Yep. little sister don't miss when she aims her gun.
01:27:05
Speaker
That's right. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. you know Gideon, you're from India. how How hard is it to get a gun in India? I'm just saying. There's other ways to kill people outside of guns. I'm just saying.
01:27:18
Speaker
um I'm just saying, dude. you Long shot. Nobody ever know it came from you. As, you know, Get you a fucking machete. Go a little ashy slashy.
01:27:29
Speaker
Get your Jason mask. Nobody knows it's you. Yeah. Cut your hand off. Put a chainsaw in its place. Just tell everybody you're dressing up for Halloween.
01:27:43
Speaker
Yeah. In January.
01:27:48
Speaker
I'm a little early. I'm a little early, but i was I wanted to make sure everything fit. Yeah. It wasn't me, I was there, it one-armed man. Shit, I lost my arm.
Introduction of the 'Penis Report'
01:28:01
Speaker
what ah Let's play a real quick song and then we're going to come back for our favorite part of the evening. We're going to penis. You know what? Let's go with a little James Luker's silhouette.
01:28:20
Speaker
Ooh, nice. yeah he he actually He actually, and I have it, i got I'll have it downloaded for Saturday. oh I'll have it uploaded Saturday, but I played it last night. He just released a cover of God's Gonna Cut You Down.
01:28:33
Speaker
kind of hands on Did a real fine job of it, too. But Silhouette's his newest song. His newest original. We'll be back in three minutes and 17 seconds with your penis report.
01:28:46
Speaker
Catch you, man.
What the Fuck News and Social Media Promotion
01:30:09
Speaker
They will tell what you
01:32:03
Speaker
I like it. Another one. but Another kick-ass song for my boy James. I the batteries out of that clock to keep it at midnight. I'm just saying.
01:32:16
Speaker
Yes. I'm an asshole. Because it's like, that clock's not moving. but I think the battery... The clock's never worked. Oh, that's right twice a day.
01:32:29
Speaker
Yeah, indeed it is. Indeed it is. I'm just saying. but yeah Welcome back, everybody. What the fuck news. All the news that is news to make say what the fuck. um What the yeah well as Well, I'm just seeing it. Oh, pass.
01:32:51
Speaker
Yeah. It is. We were actually... ah but i Oh, right back. I was wondering who put the right back three times and I realized it was you.
01:33:02
Speaker
but It was us. Look at that.
01:33:07
Speaker
But yeah, we are back, everybody. Don't forget Beauty the Beard Creative Corner. Go ahead, Facebook and Instagram. You can go ahead and send Nikki a message and say, hey, I need a t-shirt with Jeff's face on it.
01:33:19
Speaker
It is the the What the Fuck News show. Don't forget. Scrolling at the bottom of your screen, bio.link slash non-symbol network. You find all the shows on our YouTube, our Facebook, our Twitch, and even Rumble.
01:33:35
Speaker
Fridays. Fridays are on. Anywho, it's about that time, sir. What time?
01:33:45
Speaker
Penis! Yeah! Firmly grasp it in your hand.
Humorous Genitalia First Encounter Stories
01:33:50
Speaker
Firmly grasp it. Firmly grasp it!
01:34:00
Speaker
Firmly grasp it in your hand. I'm going to pass me. I'm not sure that doesn't squeeze out. Oh, that would have been awesome.
01:34:10
Speaker
I've got my hot sauce. Well, gather around, gather around, gather around, everybody. Get a seat. There's plenty of room for everybody. Don't worry. It is and not the penis report.
01:34:23
Speaker
We're still talking vagines. E for victory, baby. As the French say, vagine. ofva ju I'm pretty sure that's not French word. I've been studying French for 50 days. never heard that one. i mean Well, you know what? Apparently I speak better French than you. but There's a whole bunch of French Canadians that can't say that either.
01:34:49
Speaker
French Canadians. yeah but frenchav yeah Oh, hey, I have one of those. Yeah. like but You kept it obvious. Really? logo.
01:35:05
Speaker
Well, made a logo. Watch me make a song. I make a video.
01:35:13
Speaker
watching me make a song do
01:35:23
Speaker
Where we left off, you were doing the... the so so we So we changed the game up a little bit because, you know, we did a little... It wasn't a big countdown. It was so women in their first time seeing a penis and their reaction and their expression. So I did a little did a little deep dive into the vagine.
01:35:50
Speaker
And... And I found not one, but two different articles. ah is Guys described seeing vagina for the first time, and they literally could not deal. This is from cosmetology ah Cosmopolitan. Words of heart.
01:36:06
Speaker
Glick's favorite magazine, by the way. That's actually a pretty good magazine. I don't know. I've never looked at it. I've seen it. We're not affiliated with that with them in any way, shape, or form. but just saying like all touch of of it's cover I'm that good.
01:36:21
Speaker
I've thumbed through a few. yeah i have four sisters growing up. I've thumbed through a time or two. It's good magazine. It's good read. Get it? Look, man, just because you had your JTT poster on the wall.
01:36:33
Speaker
Joey Lawrence haircut, baby. Yeah! ah So we got a continuation. Like I said, no affiliation with Cosmopolitan, but... We're going to do their article here. It's 11 guys describing seeing a vagine, as the French say, for the first time, and they literally could not deal.
01:36:53
Speaker
ah Luke28 says, I am really embarrassed to o admit this.
01:37:01
Speaker
Wow. Wow. I'm so curious for a follow-up. I'd like to see photographic evidence. Yeah. It's not supposed to look like that.
01:37:14
Speaker
It's not supposed to look like that. but Luke says the first time, I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but I had a moment of, oh, is that her vagina?
01:37:27
Speaker
As if it could be anything else. Like, nope, that's her second belly button. I don't know why I thought that. I think I was just young and couldn't believe it. Luke's an idiot. Luke, you need to go back to anatomy.
01:37:40
Speaker
I'm just going to say but please The time of the show where my penis scolds me for listening. Amen to that. and it' ah have We've had some horrific penis stories. I know how I'm going to keep this segment going. I really don't, ah but I'm going to try. Um,
01:38:01
Speaker
ah Dustin says, I guess technically my first vagina was when I walked in on my mom's friend changing. It was really hairy. i i hair I think really, I just saw my mom's friend's pubic hair.
01:38:19
Speaker
I was maybe 10 years old. I just thought I don't want to i don't want to see, or I don't see what the big deal is.
01:38:27
Speaker
School over Dustin. Yeah. like yeah Seen one, you'd seen them all. bush, baby. It's like an afro.
01:38:38
Speaker
you She's got Don King down there. Oh, no, mom's best friend. I can't believe I looked at new chain. How did you get stuck under the bed? I've seen that movie. I've seen that video several times.
01:38:53
Speaker
Hey, this guy, he has the same name as me. But it's Chris says, it's an easily top 10 worst moments of my life. I got down there and I was overwhelmed. that i guess So I was just feeling nervous and to ease the tension.
01:39:10
Speaker
I looked up her and said, I hope this thing came with instructions.
01:39:16
Speaker
She got up and left. like You're an idiot. Even the voice I used, oh God, every time I think about it, I want to lie down on the floor and fall asleep forever. He did a this Walken going down on this chick or what?
01:39:40
Speaker
What are you doing, Walken? He used a voice. use the voice What's the kind of instructions in English?
01:39:54
Speaker
What an asshole. He's an idiot. We've all done stupid stuff that we regret. And I get it. it's If I would have done that, I'd be like, yeah, I'm going gay. I don't want to ever do that Blaze, one hour, 40 minutes. I need you to clip just that two-second part of what Jeff just said.
01:40:25
Speaker
but that Jeff says, I quote. Jeff says, I quote. I'm going gay, says Jeff. Quote it. just i believe here say it I was you know.
01:40:42
Speaker
no how this seventy s board side kate you need to get that clipped a so
01:40:55
Speaker
ah yeah matt writes it and matt says ah I think there was a fair bit of distance between my first time putting in my hand in a girl's pants and actually, like, taking the pants off and getting to see the vagina, you know?
01:41:12
Speaker
People's sexual experiences are way different than mine. yes He continues. Those are like two separate tiers. Yeah? He's not wrong.
01:41:24
Speaker
Tears as in levels. Oh, sorry. I was like, tears as in like, he's crying? What the fuck? I was like, wait a minute. so so so My brain shut off there for a back that continues Matt continues. He says, so I remember thinking, this is it.
01:41:42
Speaker
I remember thinking the clothes were coming off. Sex was going to happen. He's got a lot of free time. He's like, he's narrating a whole situation. He's planning it.
01:41:55
Speaker
She's like, anytime Sherlock Holmes. waiting Waiting, buddy. Take your time. Just the whole RDJ Sherlock Holmes scenario in his head before he's played.
01:42:09
Speaker
Pants come off. Three seconds. I slide in. Four seconds. Two seconds later, I'm done. I'm done. take But that continues. ah It was probably the same feeling pro athletes get when the game is on the line. Like everything is resting on this free throw.
01:42:27
Speaker
Like it's a fucking Super bowl hit Bowl. ah Everything is resting on the line. Everything is resting on this free throw.
01:42:39
Speaker
It was like anxiety and nervousness, but it was all matched by adrenaline. And it was just helping me to get focused. Also, Totally didn't up and didn't end up having sex that night either.
01:42:51
Speaker
also for the russian knocker it was Also for the record, it was a very nice vagina.
01:42:59
Speaker
Shockingly, he didn't end up having sex. ah Maybe because he spent three hours writing in his notebook. Jesus. This dude came with notes. Yeah. no moreist He's like, put the notebook down, buddy.
01:43:14
Speaker
Get it.
01:43:17
Speaker
Two seconds on the clock. We're down. two we're go have Two runs in the bottom of the ninth. Two outs. I'm like, dude, who what are you doing? Two outs. I while I play. I've got a full count.
01:43:31
Speaker
Two strikes, three balls. The game's on me. I've got to hit this home run. And strike three. Yeah, you're out of there, buddy. You're out of there, buddy. Let everybody do. He tried for the court, but he missed.
01:43:46
Speaker
Yeah. A little bobby for you. Mark says, oh,
01:43:55
Speaker
oh sorry. Ryan says, i don't I don't remember exactly what I thought, but it was probably something along the lines of, Oh, wow.
01:44:06
Speaker
I was not prepared for this. Like, he he continues, like, I'd seen enough porn at this point to know what to expect, but it's still different from actually seeing
Vagina vs. Humpback Whale: A Humorous Comparison
01:44:20
Speaker
one. It's like, you can see pictures of a humpback whale.
01:44:24
Speaker
You can understand they're massive, but you don't really appreciate the size of them until you go whale watching and really see the scale of it. Do you really want to compare them? That's the thing with vaginas. You really don't appreciate them until you see it in person.
01:44:39
Speaker
And he just compared a vagina to a humpback whale. yeah I'm calling it right now. This dude didn't get laid either. That was a mercy showing. but I don't even know how to make anybody a moderator on Twitch, nor why would I make you a moderator on Twitch.
01:44:57
Speaker
Yeah. We got enough problems. Come on, man. Come on, You got to sell yourself better than that. Why? It's a job interview. Mike says, it was it was during a game of truth or dare.
01:45:12
Speaker
My thought was, oh, damn. Because I really didn't think the girl was going to do it. Hey. To be fair. She's got shoot, baby. Yeah. shoot better yeah To be fair, she flashed it really quick and I barely got a glimpse.
01:45:27
Speaker
Not going to lie. It was the best moment of my life at that point, and I barely saw anything. Still counts. still a mike Still counts. Yep, s still counts. That's a home run in my book, buddy.
01:45:39
Speaker
Yep, counts. That's a salute. Put it on the scoreboard. And take it, that's ah that's a bold move in Truth there like junior mayor of but And she's like, woohoo! And you're like, holy shit! Now I'm going to come up with a list.
01:45:56
Speaker
Okay, she hits there. And I'm just and That girl was later was later featured in another story on the penis report where she said, i have seen lots of penises. I wasn't that shocked. Whore!
01:46:13
Speaker
She's the guy chick, you lose your wedding ring in there. Or your last ring. Or you find your long lost friend. I wondered where you've been, Mike. What happened? It's moist as fuck in here and muggy.
01:46:29
Speaker
um Come on in. I got a cabin in the back. yeah Jay says, I never told anyone this.
01:46:44
Speaker
Yes, put it on the internet. Good idea. well there's so I understand why you never told anybody this there, Jay. ah Jay says, I never told anyone this, but but I thought, what a pretty vagina.
01:47:00
Speaker
And then Jay realized that he liked dudes. Jay was like, I use the word pretty. Jay continues, because it was. It was a real nice vagina.
01:47:12
Speaker
I think this girl was way more experienced than I was for my age because she she kept it shaved. no Hello, hello, hello. He said, because she kept it shaved. And at that time, I only thought porn stars did that.
01:47:26
Speaker
that Nice. if He doesn't keep up with the times. I'm just saying. Yeah. It's okay, Jay. Alex says, I remember thinking,
01:47:39
Speaker
i remember thinking Finally. Right? it was It was just a sense of relief. It felt like everyone in school had a story about getting to third base with a girl or whatever.
01:47:53
Speaker
So I mostly, i was mostly just happy. I had lifted that weight off of my shoulders. That's one less thing, buddy. Bucket list. Next. Yep.
01:48:06
Speaker
Was it a pretty pink porn? Vagine? It's vagine, as the French say. It's classy when you say it like that. I'm calling right now.
01:48:18
Speaker
That is not French. That is fake news. You call it whatever you want to fucking call it. Until I've proven it. says. Finally. Finally.
01:48:31
Speaker
it's hard proveving that's what every guy eventually says yeah finally
01:48:37
Speaker
to rule them but Finally, Cocknads come back.
01:48:53
Speaker
one of those nights we need we need brittanney up here to be like Is it funny when a guy does a voice? yeah yeah The guy who's like, I did a funny voice. Now I think about it crying.
01:49:06
Speaker
oh I wonder if if things come as instructions. Where's my monocle Get the fuck out. Get your fucking top hat and your goddamn ghost penis. Get out of here.
01:49:19
Speaker
Get the fuck out of here. You're going to stay a virgin, buddy. Yes. b Brian, who who was ah apparently a late bloomer, he says it was the strip club.
01:49:35
Speaker
Actually, late bloomer here. I had just turned 18. Seeing a woman naked in real life was great. But I really couldn't stop thinking about how the chair I was sitting on or sitting in literally felt dirty.
01:49:48
Speaker
Like I could feel the shame on me. My friends paid for a lap dance for me. They're the stripper Although the stripper was nice. Those are good friends, man.
01:49:59
Speaker
Yeah, she was nice. I plan to do that when my son turns 18. Come on, we'll go to strip club.
01:50:08
Speaker
Just to make it awkward for him. I hate French, though. That's that salty buck beside me. I know. He's mad because I know more French than he does. That's horrible.
01:50:22
Speaker
and that's horrible but He used a voice. like I can't get over it. That dude is still sitting in his mom's basement. I can't believe I used a voice. That's why you live in your mom's basement, dude. That's why you're playing D&D on a Saturday night.
01:50:43
Speaker
Yeah.
Philosophical View on Intimacy by Emo Listener
01:50:44
Speaker
Tim says, I remember thinking good tip tim says tim says ah i remember thinking It was crazy that this girl let me see her vagina. That never goes away. Yeah, right? That thought never goes away. Why do all these guys constantly say like?
01:51:08
Speaker
Because it's like, awesome. And literally awesome. Jim says, like, we were fooling around and it happened. had this weird, like...
01:51:20
Speaker
exeter ex far type racist I don't think I really thought of it that way at the time, but I was like, it's crazy that everyone has generals, but only some people get to see them. That thought goes through my head all the time.
01:51:41
Speaker
It was this weird feeling of melancholy, like, I was sad that I wouldn't get to see everyone's vagina and not even and a sexual way. Just like that I wouldn't have that level of intimacy. I was the artsy emo kid in school. So hopefully that explains a lot. You're still virgin at 29. It's not a phase dad.
01:52:02
Speaker
Yeah.
01:52:07
Speaker
I want to punch him in the face. Does that make me a bad person? Yeah. I love an emo chick. An emo dude, I'm out. that I don't want to hang out with an emo dude.
01:52:18
Speaker
Not at all. I don't want to punch Tim in the face. I agree. And then, last but not least, Steve says, yup. That's all I thought. Just,
01:52:29
Speaker
ye
01:52:32
Speaker
yup. It was confirmation I was ready. i am now man. The guy in the fucking room tonight. Yup. You know that guy, once he got done, he went home and he just stood there for like five minutes.
01:52:45
Speaker
Yeah. That's right. Tim is the coolest guy in the fucking room. Here we go. Finally.
01:53:00
Speaker
I don't remember my first reaction.
01:53:05
Speaker
Do you remember yours? because i mean God, it was forever ago. um was like 13th.
01:53:11
Speaker
I was like, oh, no, I wonder if this thing comes with instructions. Hello. Hello. What are you, Mrs. Doubtfire?
01:53:18
Speaker
and so What are you Are you freaking? dog for you great ah Well, that is our vagina report.
01:53:31
Speaker
I certainly did not do a play-by-play in my head like Sherlock Holmes. However, that does sound cool. like I'd like to see that a photo.
01:53:45
Speaker
Yeah. I'm sure there's a parody out there at the end of the day. But yeah, in all honesty, I don't really, i think more just like about fucking time. Right?
01:53:56
Speaker
Alright. I mean, I was on a school bus. Nice. I've seen the lot of vaginas. Nice. Been there, done that.
01:54:07
Speaker
Dude, it's your first time. I watch porn. Let me know. Old hat. And I don't do a voice. Not until I have it. That was awesome. Good game.
01:54:20
Speaker
Yeah. yeah Look at that. That's a nice. question Yeah. See? Look at what I got. See? Did you know that the French call this a vagin?
01:54:35
Speaker
You wonder why you're a virgin. In France, they call this royale with cheese. You don't want it with cheese. You don't want it with cheese. You don't want it with cheese.
01:54:47
Speaker
now and don't want him to cheese Pulp Fiction. Oh, no, I get it, but you don't want it with cheese. You want the Royale without cheese. No, no, no.
01:54:59
Speaker
No, as I said, and in France, they call it a Royale with cheese. They also call this a Bajin. Well,
French Terms for Genitalia Jokes
01:55:10
Speaker
everyone. Some French be watching this one time be like,
01:55:14
Speaker
That's not what we call it. Shut up. You gave up to that. We get like 40 YouTube strikes for calling it a vaccine. Not because of copyright. Just a bunch of French people pissed off and keep calling it. Shut up. You surrendered to interview the Germans.
01:55:27
Speaker
Twice. so For a bottle of wine.
01:55:32
Speaker
Nobody cares what you say. We're going to take over your whole country. got How about I come over there and bitch slap your entire country? Yes sir, Mr. Glick, it is Vagine. We're changing it the webster Somebody call Webster's, damn it. Well, anyways, thanks everybody for
Show Conclusion and Audience Appreciation
01:55:52
Speaker
great watching. thanks Ladies and gentlemen, here's your penis report.
01:55:56
Speaker
Vagina. Or Vagine. Vagina, vagina, vagina. Vagine, vagina, vagina. but she' a computer
01:56:08
Speaker
Well, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for everybody watching. Thanks for listening. Let me make sure I still have the outro music set up because apparently Saturday somebody took it off and when I ended it, it just ended. Nice.
01:56:20
Speaker
And that is the news that makes us say what the fuck. Bye, everybody. Deuces.
01:56:40
Speaker
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Speaker
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