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Episode 33: Alexandra Miles Talks Eating Disorders and Project Blackbird
43 Plays10 days ago
Alexandra Miles is a Washington, D.C., based producer, actor, and non-profit founder with a focus on mental health impact. Alexandra earned degrees in Business and Fine Arts from Boston University and SCAD before producing the short film ‘Project Blackbird’. She then founded the related non-profit of the same name that provides mental health awareness and access to resources through their touring program. This program tours high school and college campuses and pairs a screening with athletes, actors, and other public figure guest panelists sharing their lived experience, then connecting these audiences with free therapy and other mental health resources.
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Transcript
Introduction to Destination Change
00:00:12
Speaker
Welcome to Destination Change, a podcast where we talk recovery, treatment, and more. I'm your host, Angie Fiedler-Sutton, with the National Behavioral Health Association providers, and I use she, her pronouns. My guest today is Alexandra Miles.
00:00:24
Speaker
Alexandra is a Washington, D.C.-based producer, actor, and nonprofit founder with a focus on mental health impact. Alexandra earned degrees in business and fine arts from Boston University and SCAD before producing the short film Project Blackboard.
00:00:37
Speaker
She then founded the related nonprofit of the same name that provides mental health awareness and access to resources through their touring program.
Project Blackboard's Mission
00:00:44
Speaker
It tours high schools and college campuses, pairing the screening room with athletes, actors, and other public figure guest panelists, sharing their lived experiences, then connecting these audiences with free therapy and other mental health resources.
00:00:56
Speaker
Alexandra, thank you for joining us today. Thank you so much, Angie, for having me. Excited to be here. Now, long-time listeners are going to know exactly what my first question is because it's always the same. I'm a big fan of origin stories. Just basically, there are tons of other jobs out there. What got you hooked into working in the mental health versus, you know, being an accountant or, know?
00:01:18
Speaker
Yes. Well, for me, my original job actually, now it wasn't an accountant, but closer to that industry than where I started, I actually started as a retail buyer for TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and HomeGoods. And I was a beauty buyer.
00:01:32
Speaker
Ironically, I went the opposite of that kind of world and industry. It was very cutthroat. I did learn a lot of intangible skills there, negotiating how to drive my own development,
00:01:43
Speaker
be a leader, work with different vendors. But what actually led me, like probably many other nonprofit founders, what led me to starting the organization was my own lived experience and my own struggle. So not quite a job, but mental health struggle, being human.
00:01:57
Speaker
Can you talk a little bit more about that?
Personal Mental Health Journey
00:01:59
Speaker
About what you were Experiencing kind of give for people who may not be familiar with you and your story kind of your background. Yeah, absolutely. Now, I transparently, there's a lot that I am still processing a lot that I did process when I went into treatment for an eating disorder. But I was diagnosed with an eating disorder back in 2018. Now, where that began, again, still processing, did a lot of processing. I have an inkling.
00:02:25
Speaker
But as many mental health struggles come from, there are a multitude of events in my lifetime that I'm sure led up to um ultimately having that diagnosis and engaging in those behaviors.
00:02:38
Speaker
I will say I don't believed that my eating disorder started until around 22, 23. When I first moved out to Los Angeles, that's when it started getting worse. When I did quit my corporate job, it started getting worse.
00:02:50
Speaker
For me, it was a mix of trauma, childhood, the messages that I started telling myself. And then I almost feel ah therapist said this to me along the way, and it's a theory around it, but they said, and genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger.
00:03:04
Speaker
And for me, I think being in Los Angeles, something It wasn't that Los Angeles was bad. It was that something clicked. Something just set that set that off for me. And I think a piece of it, I was so desperate for control of when I was feeling out of control and quitting that corporate job when all of a sudden my life became even more out of control. I didn't have structure. I didn't have regimen. I was desperate for that.
00:03:27
Speaker
control and those boundaries and those rules. And I was desperate for someone to say, you're achieving and accomplishing and you're doing all right. And I didn't have that anymore. When I was on my own, I quit to be a full-time actor.
00:03:39
Speaker
And I thought that the industry was rejecting me before it actually did. I thought I wasn't good enough, wasn't fitting in, didn't belong. I went down a rabbit hole during that time and full circle was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
00:03:53
Speaker
And I was sent to a treatment center in Los Angeles where I thought I was going to enter for two weeks and ended up living in a residential home for around eight months. Now, yes, you said it l a wasn't just a thing, but you know Hollywood is unfortunately known as you know you kind of have to quote unquote look good in order to to get in the industry. In fact, i'm looking at her I looked up some research about how there are trying and do there's actual research on how to try and get better people.
00:04:22
Speaker
physical a representation in media with body size and that's just i mean it's still unfortunately the quote-unquote fat people are the comic timing or the best friend they're very rarely the lead yeah and inevitably their their life ends in tragedy if they are the lead and so i know that probably didn't help that you lived in la at the time and you are an actor and and in the industry A hundred percent. Ironically though, I hope anybody that's listening can take this. Like I mentioned, I thought the industry was rejecting me when it really wasn't.
00:04:55
Speaker
The reality is it is changing. You're seeing that change. Ironically, i started to get more roles. I started to become more successful. when I was just authentically who I was, when I wasn't trying to fit this box of perfection, because perfection is boring.
00:05:11
Speaker
Perfection doesn't actually exist. you know And what people want to see is a reflection of reality, a reflection of authenticity. So i think I think leaning into that can actually help, but I do i do hope that there will be even more changes.
00:05:25
Speaker
in the industry, representing normal bodies,
Understanding Eating Disorders
00:05:28
Speaker
representing all communities on screen, not just in stereotypes and not just in those stereotype roles, but you know but accurate representations. And then accurate representations of mental health on screen, where it doesn't necessarily have to be a narrative about mental health, about a treatment center, but just a narrative where humans exist and where mental health is just part of the woven cloth and part of the human experience.
00:05:53
Speaker
Now, I know you're not a clinician by trade, but for those who may not be, who may only be vaguely aware as to what eating disorders are, can you kind of give me the elevator pitches to different types that are out there and what that Sure.
00:06:09
Speaker
I would say I'll start with just, you know, there's there's a slew of different eating disorders or disordered behaviors that can be present. And not all disordered eating is diagnosed as an eating disorder. But I want to start by saying there are various different behaviors that you can experience. And like I experienced, it does not always manifest like it like you think it might based on the textbooks that you read. So you can't just say anorexia means not eating.
00:06:37
Speaker
That's not true. That's not the definition of anorexia and that is not how it manifests. So I just want to put that out first and foremost. But the major buckets that you'll see, anorexia nervosa, you have binge eating disorder, bulimia, orthorexia is a term. I mean, that's a term. i Orthorexia revolves around health messaging and and having different habits based on health.
00:06:58
Speaker
And this is something was not quite as discussed when I entered treatment, but that you're hearing about as of more recently, ARFID, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. And that's something that personally i have had a few different clinicians speak to me about based on different sensitivities that I had. I had become extremely avoidant and restrictive of very particular foods based on how I thought they were going to make me feel quite literally afraid to feel a certain way. And that's just based on the reality, based on experience, but it becomes restrictive to the point where i was
00:07:35
Speaker
also diagnosed with anorexia. I was losing, you know, I was losing a lot of weight. I was incredibly restrictive. It was starting to impact my organs, my behaviors, my mood, my brain and neurological firing. I mean, everything, but started shutting down.
00:07:52
Speaker
But there are there are a multitude of different experiences and behaviors that someone might have. And I can touch on this later, too. But diet culture can be incredibly dangerous.
00:08:03
Speaker
And a lot of diet culture sits on that fine, fine line between eating disorder and disordered eating.
Body Positivity and Diet Culture
00:08:12
Speaker
And I always tell people as I take Project Blackbird on tour, when we do have the eating disorder presentation and when eating disorders are the topic of conversation, a lot of people will say,
00:08:23
Speaker
I struggle with with dieting. I'm always thinking about food. I'm XYZ. Does that mean I have an eating disorder? And my response is always, I am not a clinician and I'm not here to diagnose. But what I can say is, if you feel like you're struggling, if you feel like you're unhappy, if you feel like you're not at the place that you want your mind to be at, if it's bothering you, then that is an opportunity to get curious and ask for help.
00:08:46
Speaker
And you don't have to label it. Yeah. Well, and I also know from my own personal experience that the body positivity movement is really starting to embrace that fat is not a bad thing. that Yeah. And it is not necessarily unhealthy, that it is a combination of genetics. A thousand percent. Yes. and And I personally try to lean away from, and this is just a personal opinion, but I do tend to lean away from the BMI.
00:09:12
Speaker
You know, I do not believe that
Creating Change Through Storytelling
00:09:14
Speaker
every person fits into a box. I think Healthy does not equate to weight. You know, it's internal. and My personal belief is every individual has to kind of find their own, their own secret to happiness, if you will, and secret to health. And everybody is completely different. So I think what really destroys us is that comparison culture thinking.
00:09:34
Speaker
Well, so-and-so looks like this and they eat this. Well, so-and-so eats this much a day. Well, so-and-so, you know whatever it is, we are all different people and we all have different habits, if you will, but a different secret to happiness, secret to health.
00:09:48
Speaker
Well, ah let's talk a little bit more about your the the short film that kind of started at all, the project. As a creator myself, I always hesitate to ask creators where they get their ideas. And obviously, in this case, it was a fairly obvious how you got your idea. But kind of walk me through the creative process of what made you decide to do a film about it and we' kind of your progress of getting to the finish. Yeah, well, honestly, I went to a graduate program for for acting.
00:10:13
Speaker
While I was there, I met a lot of filmmakers and I never dreamed that I would make my own film. But I met a writer who inspired me very much. And I actually I went to that writer because I was curious about getting involved in creating impact film.
00:10:28
Speaker
film that could connect and film that could change the narrative of what you see on screen in terms of mental health and diversity. And I went to her and we discussed, she asked, you know, what story do you want to tell? And I told her about Kendra Williams, who is Blackbird. She's a young woman that I met at the treatment center and she had a blackbird on a tattoo of a blackbird on her neck.
00:10:50
Speaker
She was very silent, barely spoke to anybody, but we connected very deeply. And honestly, she became my hidden hero. She was somebody that I knew had so much depth. There was so much to her story. I felt this incredible connection with her in treatment, even though we barely spoke.
00:11:06
Speaker
And I wanted to tell the story of how important that connection is, not only with yourself, but with others. We're creatures of connection. And when you find somebody that you can open up with and that you can be vulnerable around or about what you're ashamed of, that shame loses power.
00:11:21
Speaker
And so I actually gave this writer my journal from treatment. And I still have not read my journal from treatment, but I gave it to her because I knew that if I tried to describe to her what treatment was like,
00:11:35
Speaker
I would misremember. i would honestly probably unintentionally lie based on traumas, based on what I said to myself that my brain does not want to remember.
00:11:45
Speaker
I really don't remember. And that's honesty. I remember writing things in my journal about myself that were horrid. I don't remember exactly what that was. i blocked it, I think. out of my mind and I haven't yet returned there. I don't know if I will.
00:11:58
Speaker
That's something on my own journey to decide, but I gave it to her because I wanted to paint the entire picture. And from that, she created the beautiful short film. And from that, she is now creating the feature film that we're making from that short film that will be called Alma.
00:12:12
Speaker
And that's how the film started. And when I first created the film, I had no idea that the nonprofit would follow. It was just a film to start with. But I knew that I wanted to use it somehow for for the greater good, somehow for others to impact.
00:12:26
Speaker
Well, and then that obviously that leads into the question of what made you decide to, hey, let's create a nonprofit that's that's related to this. So I took a film distribution class, actually. It was an online four-week course, I believe.
00:12:40
Speaker
And the instructor said, as I was talking about, I was asking him questions about film festivals and how to get into film festivals. And he said, well, why did you actually create this film and what do you want to do with it? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted to create the film as mentioned so that I could impact, so that I could help others see themselves on screen, so that I could help shed light on...
00:13:02
Speaker
what really lies behind mental health and encourage empathy. And when I said it out loud to him, I realized that the film festival space was not the space that I wanted it to end at. And I wanted to not control in a bad sense, but I wanted to be a part of the narrative that followed the film, the conversation that followed the film. I wanted to be a part of that process. And I thought, why am I waiting for somebody else to do it? Why don't I take it to the eyes that I want to see it and that I want to be impacted by it? And so that's when I realized that I wanted to start the nonprofit.
00:13:35
Speaker
What made you decide to tour and, you know, connect, you know, hook up with other people to to kind of speak it? Why not just leave it in the online and and yeah do it there? So I'll demystify a little bit about what Project Blackbird is and what we do tour to be helpful. And then I'll answer that question. So Project Blackbird, for everybody listening that has not heard of the organization, what we do is we take that film and we bring it primarily to different high schools and colleges, but we do other spaces as well.
00:14:02
Speaker
But we bring it to audiences and we use the film for awareness and connection. It's a 13 minute short film. And then following that film, I share on a panel that while it is a narrative film, it is based on my own actual true experience.
00:14:16
Speaker
But then we bring different players into the conversation because it's not just my story. It's not just eating disorders. There are so many ways that mental health struggle can manifest. And there are so many places that it could come from. so we bring on different public figures. We've had NFL players, we've had actors, we've had musicians and artists.
00:14:33
Speaker
We've even had experts in the field. But the idea is to bring in role models that share their lived experience so that these students and other audience members realize that every single person struggles. This is part of the human experience and it does not discriminate.
00:14:48
Speaker
And the people that they might be looking up to are looking to somebody else also. We're all you know what we're all looking for the answers. None of us really know. No one's perfect and everybody struggles. And so we have this whole event.
00:15:00
Speaker
We have an anonymous journal prompt and journal swap swap that we do in the audience. And then on the spot for our students, the organization shares with the students that we're going to be paying for therapy for a year to get them started on their healing journey.
00:15:14
Speaker
In addition to that, we create a resource fair in the back of the room, and that's local resources, national resources. Some of our partners and sponsors will be there in the back of the room as well. Some um wellness companies to to connect with the students. But really, it's a resource fair in person to encourage immediate conversation.
00:15:33
Speaker
around mental health, immediate support and trust, because a lot of there's a lot of lack of trust in health, health care, mental health care, especially with the youth. So the reason that I all of that to say, why did we not just do it online?
00:15:47
Speaker
One, there's something to be said for storytelling in person. This is something that I realized during the pandemic. I actually read a book that talked about vibe, the word vibe and coming from vibration.
00:15:58
Speaker
When you see a musical in person, there's this vibration that you get. It is quite literally an energy. When you see it on TV, it's incredible still, don't get me wrong, but you don't have that energy, that actual connection that is real.
00:16:12
Speaker
So there's something to be said for doing it in person. And we still do these events online. We'll operate in that manner, but I do think there's something special about
Challenges and Recovery in Mental Health
00:16:20
Speaker
doing it in person. And then the other piece, the magic of that space is it becomes so personally catered towards that audience. We're able to put together that resource fair in the back of the room.
00:16:31
Speaker
where there's that real in time connection and the model that we unintentionally created was awareness plus engagement plus support. That's what leads to actual change. And it's all of that in the moment. It's not here's this awareness about mental health. Now you're educated. It's not.
00:16:47
Speaker
Here is support that we're offering unsolicited, take it or leave it. It's, you know, it's all of this together. And there is a magic to that. And we have proof of it now through these numerous events that we've done. And we're continuing to learn about what is effective.
00:17:02
Speaker
As a founder, I know i have my goal and I will change this company event. I will change it as much as we need to change it in order to reach that goal. because the world is changing around us. It's constantly going to change. But what will stay the same is having that model to be able to actually impact and support. And if the details need to change along the way, they can and will.
00:17:24
Speaker
Well, and speaking of at the time of recording, MBHAP is currently working with your organization to have a variation of it on our own. If you go to mbhap.org and sign up for our educational alerts, if you come to this after it has happened, we will have a recording available on the website. So you can go there.
00:17:39
Speaker
We call this podcast destination changes because recovery and and I'm sure it's with eating sources as well is not a straight line. What are some of the barriers do you feel are the biggest in terms of moving forward in helping with eating disorders?
00:17:56
Speaker
I think ah personally, there are a few. i think one of the biggest is the transitional period with stepping down. I think when you have people in treatment, what gets very tricky is some programs do not have inpatient residential PHP, IOP, they don't have every single piece of that puzzle.
00:18:16
Speaker
Because of that, you have to move to a different company, a different organization, a different treatment center, place of care, and they don't always speak to each other. And that was what was incredibly difficult for myself. When I stepped down to a treatment center that didn't have any of my information, they didn't know me as an individual.
00:18:32
Speaker
I struggled a lot with that and having that inconsistency of a treatment team and care. I also think, I think what's really difficult, you heal in a space that is different than your own often.
00:18:46
Speaker
And then you come back and your own norms resurface. It was very hard for me, but and it is still very hard for me to live in a world where i am constantly receiving so many mixed messages around health, around diets, around bodies and validation and validation where it shouldn't be happening, yet it still is.
00:19:09
Speaker
It's a reality that we live in. And it's also a reality that not everybody in our circle is going to be as empathetic as we are. Not everybody is going to be as knowledgeable as we are. Not everybody is going to be in the space of healing as we are too. And a lot of people don't even realize that they're struggling and then unintentionally hurt others through judgment, through comments that they make. And at the end of the day, ah sometimes I have to remind myself that certain behaviors are okay for other people and are not hurting other people, yet they would hurt me.
00:19:43
Speaker
And I have to stop worrying about what's going to help or hurt somebody else because that's not my secret to happiness. That's not my secret to success. But it's incredibly difficult when I'm still deep down looking sometimes at others for what is normal, what is right.
00:19:58
Speaker
I still want to be liked. I still... want to be loved I still you know want my colleagues and friends to enjoy being around me, you know all of those things. And there's a lot of messaging. I mean, if you think about how long it took to grow up and how long these messages have been so deeply rooted in my brain and your brain and everyone's mind.
00:20:19
Speaker
it's going to take equally as long to reverse those neurological pathways or to restructure, you know, those messages. So it's difficult, you know, it's just, it's difficult. And I think one thing that maybe could help and what I am curious about personally is what would happen if treatment happened in your own home, in my own home? What if somebody, instead of me going to a treatment center,
00:20:41
Speaker
What if I started to change my habits and my norms and the way that I saw the world and saw my own space in my actual space? You know, if I had somebody come to me and i'm there are a few practitioners that I know that do that.
00:20:55
Speaker
I'm not saying that's the answer. I'm not saying it's not the answer, but it is something that I'm curious about. Kind of along the same lines. Again, I know you're not a clinician, but with regards to eating disorders, what are some of the things that you would recommend that people either do or not do in terms of interacting with someone who who has acknowledged that they have an eating disorder?
00:21:13
Speaker
I would say, one, be aware that the eating disorder will likely be on defense. if you're interacting with somebody that has an eating disorder, if you can separate that person from what they are struggling with and know also that it's not really about the food, it's about something much deeper.
00:21:33
Speaker
So getting curious for a lot of people, the behaviors can happen when something is going on in the moment, when emotions are high, when stress is high. when they feel invalidated, when they feel like they've gone against their core values.
00:21:47
Speaker
I know for me, if i have lied or done something that goes against my core value, which is loyalty, honesty, I will binge eat.
00:21:57
Speaker
It happens. I know it. And I know that the second, whenever I do something that goes against my my core values or beliefs, that is what triggers it for me. i feel my heart racing, my emotions get you know run wild and something happens in my mind. So you know I have my coping.
00:22:14
Speaker
my my coping skills now, but knowing that it's something much deeper than the food. And yeah i told my parents when i I, don't want to say graduate, I told my parents when I completed my residential period at the treatment center, I was trying to come up with a plan for, hey, if you see me struggling, i want to help you help me.
00:22:34
Speaker
And what I said was, I know in the moment I will likely be on defense if you ask me a question like, you know, are you restricting or don't you want to eat that or something along those lines. So what I said to them was,
00:22:47
Speaker
let it go in the moment. Afterwards, come up to me and say, hey, I noticed this. It might not have been anything, but I just wanted to let you know I saw it. If there's something happening, if you're not okay, I want you to know that I'm here. And if it was nothing, ignore me. And that's fine.
00:23:02
Speaker
And I told them, and that was just for me, but I told them by giving me the space to come to them and be honest about what was going on it would help me feel not attacked, but that they were on my team, that they were on my side, that they were trying to help fight for my recovery with me.
00:23:18
Speaker
And it did transparently give me a little bit of control of my own recovery, which control can be seen, i think, in a positive way and a negative way. And I know a lot of people struggling with an eating disorder also struggle with control.
00:23:32
Speaker
But maybe acknowledging that too and realizing that, that if you try to attack or control for them, that will make them feel attacked. So having them feel like they are a part of their own recovery too and have them feel like you're on their team and not against them, I'll say, if that's a helpful answer in terms of
Diet Culture's Evolving Impact
00:23:49
Speaker
support.
00:23:49
Speaker
Yeah. Now, I grew up in the 80s. Am correct in the assumption that that's kind of where when it started becoming better known as ah the you know eating anorexia and anobrosa and eating disorders and binge eating in the public eye that it kind of was a hidden thing before that?
00:24:05
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's diet culture. We started to see various different diet culture. And I know that there was the Atkins diet and there was thin culture. And i think what a lot of people don't consider now is even when you see changes in the body types that are validated, it doesn't mean eating disorders are going away.
00:24:25
Speaker
You know, when you see that curvy is becoming the new trendy, if you will, equally, it is you're still looking at control, looking at body types, looking at validation.
00:24:39
Speaker
You're looking at something else other than what you are as perfection or as something to reach, you know, or as beauty. And I think there's, there's equally disordered behavior that can surround that.
00:24:54
Speaker
ah Where do you think, I guess ah industry is the wrong word, but where do you think it's going to be going in the next few years? Is it going to get better, going to get worse? ah you know Is it just going to be a roller coaster?
00:25:08
Speaker
I would love to say that it's going to get better. It's a really hard question to answer. My honesty is I don't know that it will. I think we're going to have a lot of awareness around it in the upcoming years.
00:25:19
Speaker
I think it's something that every generation has struggled with in a different way. It's generational. I think it's passed down. It will take a while to change because I think it's a lot about also the parental generation. How do we talk to our children? How do we teach our children to be intuitive, to be mindful, to not connect what we're eating with our bodies, with our validation, with worth?
00:25:43
Speaker
There's a lot of generational trauma there as well. You see food rules and food laws from parents, grandparents, when you suffer with food insecurity, that can play a role. So there's so much that's just embedded in this issue.
00:25:56
Speaker
And like trauma, like struggle, like anything, sometimes it gets messy before it gets clean. And I kind of have a feeling that over the next few years, as we're learning more, as we're talking about it more, unfortunately, I think that means that there are a lot of people that are going to be hurting and that are now going to be vocal about hurting. So not that it's going to necessarily get worse, but I think we're going to hear a lot more cases.
00:26:20
Speaker
I think a lot more men will start to be vocal about what they're experiencing. What I've noticed as we go on tour is I have a lot of men in the back of the room that will confide in me alone and and secretly and for the first time that they struggle with restriction or they struggle with binge eating, even purging. I mean, it's the gambit and men struggle with it equally as women do. And it's just not quite as discussed in the male population. So I think we're going to see a lot of marginalized populations, a lot of different communities being vocal about it when maybe they haven't before, which which I actually think is a good thing because in order to get help, you have to feel safe acknowledging that you're struggling with something.
Media Portrayals of Eating Disorders
00:27:02
Speaker
Well, along those same lines, and you may not know of any, but since your background is in the film industry and the entertainment industry, would you say, do you have any suggestions as to good representations of eating disorders in media?
00:27:15
Speaker
You know, i don't. And I hate that I'm saying that, but that's one of the reasons that we're producing the feature film that we are. The couple that I have seen, not not that anything is bad out there per se, but what I've seen out there right now, I've seen a lot of content that focuses a lot on the food and not a lot on what's going on beneath it.
00:27:38
Speaker
And that's why we're creating what we are. We want to show, one, that it it goes much deeper than the food. We want to show also how it represents. And what I haven't seen is how it represents amongst different communities.
00:27:52
Speaker
The films that I've seen out there are very stereotypical. And the reality, and I can tell you this because I have been in a treatment center for a long time and worked for a long time with treatment centers, the reality is you step behind those walls and you see everybody there.
00:28:07
Speaker
And when we get to the point where more communities feel safer opening up about it, you will see far more diversity in these treatment centers as well. And so our hope is to be able to show that on screen yeah and represent that.
Connecting with Students
00:28:21
Speaker
Speaking of the 80s, the very special episode. Yes. um What is your favorite part of what you do? I love, i absolutely love that we get to interact with the students in the back of the room. I feel fortunate and sometimes it is painful and sometimes it's not positive, but I feel very fortunate as a founder of a nonprofit that I am able to actually see the impact because I think a lot of nonprofits, they don't get to actually interact with those that they're helping these students, these kids,
00:28:57
Speaker
teach me something every single day. Selfishly, they make me feel more connected. They make me feel safer. It's this two-way street where, i mean, connection is so important and so real. And so we do these journal prompts where we have our students and adults journal one thing that they struggle with and a message of hope. And that message of hope is both to themselves and to a future Project Blackbird participant.
00:29:21
Speaker
What we do is we have this anonymous exchange in the back of the room where they leave that journal response behind and they take home another's. Well, what I do after they leave that behind is I go through all of them.
00:29:33
Speaker
And of course, I want to make sure that they're appropriate to pass along. I want to sift through those and and give them a one over, you know, to make sure that I can share them. But that also gives me the opportunity to really see every single person that is being touched in this audience. And when I read those stories,
00:29:53
Speaker
I truly remember every single one and it makes me quite emotional um when I read these stories. And some of them are complex. Some of them are deep. Some of them share real and and severe traumas. Some of them don't at all.
00:30:07
Speaker
Some of them are one word answers. I can share one that I read recently that was not... so deep or dramatic per se, but that really, really resonated with me was ah student that wrote, one thing that I struggle with is sleep.
00:30:23
Speaker
And I struggle with sleep because every time I'm in bed, It's the only place when I'm sleeping is the only time that I feel safe.
00:30:34
Speaker
And the second I opened my eyes, the world feels so overwhelming and I just don't want to be there. I just want to go back to sleep. And it was so unexpected. When I read sleep, I thought, well, I can't fall asleep. That's what I thought it was going to say. And the second I read that, I immediately started crying because I've been there.
00:30:49
Speaker
It means so many days of my life. I have been there where I opened my eyes and I'm like, oh my God, i have to do it again. And it's so real. And that overwhelm is so real. And the beauty is that now I know not every day is going to be like that. And I know that there's hope later on. But being in that moment and being feeling so connected to this individual that I will never see, that is a different age than I am, that is, you know, that probably looks very different than i am So, you know, we might not have anything in common, yet we have everything in common. And that was really powerful. So that's what I love the most about this job.
00:31:23
Speaker
And then related, and we sort of already touched on this, what is the hardest part of what you do?
00:31:30
Speaker
That might also be the hardest part of what I do. Honestly, that's one of the reasons that I love the partnership with Talkspace that we have. And one of the reasons why I decided that the organization was going to fund free therapy watching these students walk away and knowing knowing that I don't know. um And I'm sorry, make it really does it really does make me emotional because it's hard. Really reading their stories, looking in their eyes and then watching them walk away and knowing that I have no idea what's gonna happen to that human.
00:32:02
Speaker
And that's really hard. So at least knowing that we are doing the best that we can to provide some kind of support. and The free therapy was was what the team and I decided was something that made sense that we could do that was reasonable for an organization to be able to fund and provide that at least was something to get them started on that journey. But that really is one of the hardest, one of the hardest things.
00:32:27
Speaker
I will add to that because this is another difficult piece that I, and and I'm going to say this because I think a lot of this audience, they could be supporters themselves, clinicians.
00:32:39
Speaker
What I also learned is it is very hard to take care of, to put on my own oxygen mask first. when I'm working with a lot of other people that need help, but I've realized how important that is.
00:32:50
Speaker
Yet it is extremely difficult to constantly be talking about this, you know, having mental health be on my mind, having the eating disorder be on my mind. I have days where I really just want to leave that behind, but I feel like I can't. because it has become my platform, so to speak. So finding boundaries between that and also giving myself the grace of yeah I'm allowed to I'm allowed to take care of myself, too. I'm allowed to feel also frustrated with it. And then I can also connect with these students without having to struggle at the same time. I'm allowed to heal. I'm allowed to recover myself. And so if there's anybody listening to this that is in you know, that is in a similar space with being a supporter and being a healer or a clinician, I think that's something important to recognize too, that it can be difficult and that's okay also.
Personal Growth Reflections
00:33:39
Speaker
One of the things that pops up a lot on on these interviews that I do is, ah you know, the idea of compassion fatigue. and And what do you do to kind of keep yourself from from getting overwhelmed? How do you kind of, you know, you how do you make sure that you're still fresh and able to do it? Yeah.
00:33:55
Speaker
I think, ironically, for me, hearing the other stories actually helps get me out of my own head a little bit when it comes to addressing my own struggle. And sometimes I worry too much about being in the recovery space and I'm almost too mindful. And so...
00:34:13
Speaker
It's almost relaxing sometimes to take it away from self and to connect with somebody else. But I also want to make sure that I'm not using that to deflect from addressing what's going on. But I definitely have my own practices when I'm getting stressed and overwhelmed. I actually use, and this is bizarrely helpful, but I use this app called Finch.
00:34:32
Speaker
I love it. I love that she uses it too. It's so simple and almost silly, but it was the only thing to really help me. And i was a Neopets generation when I was a kid. I love Neopets. So there's something about this little animal, but it's something about turning it into a game. And I get so excited every night and I see the little notifications pop up as a reminder.
00:34:55
Speaker
You know, put your fork down during or or don't look at your screen during lunch. Put your fork down in between bites. Take a walk. Stretch. Remember to stretch. Remember to breathe. And these little messages throughout the day and somehow it knows to pop up exactly when I need it every single time. And I will say that helps me a lot. And also nighttime affirmations are real. And at night, it always prompts me to write. What am I grateful for?
00:35:20
Speaker
In the morning, I smile at myself in the mirror. I have affirmations that I will tell myself in the mirror. Those help. And I realized along the way that also saying things that are negative hurt.
00:35:32
Speaker
When I am in meetings now, when somebody asks me, how am I doing? I'm getting better at it. I think today I said, okay. But Really, I used to be so brutally honest and I was so stressed and overwhelmed. If somebody said, how are you doing? I would say, awful. I'm really not doing well. You know, and and the more I said that, the more I put myself in that space.
00:35:51
Speaker
And I realized that if I can say, you know, even if I am feeling maybe OK, do try to say I'm feeling OK. But, you know, it's it's also a really bright day outside right now. And it's beautiful. And they're a good thing. You know, I try really hard to keep it positive because you do put yourself in in the in that space.
00:36:09
Speaker
And it helps. Yeah. ah Finch is one of the positive examples of of gamification. Yeah. There's a speaker, Jane McGonigal, that I am a big fan of that ah has a lot of TED Talks on gamification.
00:36:22
Speaker
She created a game to basically cure herself of a brain injury kind of thing. She just kind of created stuff. And so, you know, the idea that it can be positive, it's not just negative. to to Absolutely. Yeah.
00:36:34
Speaker
If you could go back in time to when you were kind of first starting out or when you were first doing this, what kind of advice would you give yourself? First starting out for the organization, i would say, you know, it's hard.
00:36:48
Speaker
i wouldn't do anything differently because of where I landed now. I will say I put so much stress on myself ah to the point where medically, I mean, cortisol levels through the roof, it has not been good. And I think I would have just reminded myself that of the oxygen mask, it really is important along the way to take care of myself and I would have reminded myself that I'm working so hard to make sure that others are happy.
00:37:14
Speaker
ah would have reminded myself to look at myself as I look at others and make sure along the way that I'm relaxed, that I'm happy, that I'm enjoying the present moment. Along the way, in December, my grandfather passed away and my grandfather It's interesting, he was a very accomplished man. He was a military man, a pilot, a professor, brilliant, brilliant man.
00:37:37
Speaker
But what everybody said at his funeral was how he made everybody feel so special and he was always present. and in the moment. And something hit me then when I really realized how precious the moment is and life. And we keep thinking about tomorrow and the next few years. and And what about right now?
00:37:58
Speaker
And I realized that I was forgetting to actually just take a minute and and enjoy right now. And so now I try to do that as much as I possibly can and as many
Getting Involved with Project Blackbird
00:38:10
Speaker
moments as I can. And that has actually helped my anxiety a lot when i just remember that I actually want to be here.
00:38:16
Speaker
So be here, you know, and and I think that's probably what I would tell myself from the beginning is try as hard as you can along the way to just stay present and enjoy those moments. Now we're getting close to the end. yeah This is kind of the same question I asked at the beginning, but put in another way.
00:38:31
Speaker
When all is said and done, your gut instinct, why do you do it? Why do you do this? I do this. And I don't want to say this is selfish. I want to say this is because i realize that this is something that humans can value.
00:38:47
Speaker
I realized how special it was to feel understood and seen. And I want to make somebody else feel just as special as I felt when I met Kendra Williams. That's it. And connected.
00:38:59
Speaker
You mentioned that the Project Blackbird has a lot of resources. What kind of resources would you recommend to people who may not be as familiar with eating disorders or that want to keep kind of keep up with what's going on?
00:39:11
Speaker
Yeah. For eating disorders specifically, and there are numerous resources, a couple of them. And well, there are a couple of them to provide some different workshops.
00:39:21
Speaker
These are not sponsors, partners, but I would say ERC Pathlight offers a lot of different resources. specific groups and their online virtual, but a lot of specific groups around eating disorder awareness, whether it be for a supporter, for somebody who's struggling.
00:39:39
Speaker
I'll leave it at that one for the online. There are numerous resources on our website, though, as well for eating disorders that are specific. I like psychology today also, and NAMI as resources for finding different practitioners as well.
00:39:55
Speaker
We have a lot on our website that I would definitely recommend. And we're about to add some books on there as well. I think books can be really, really helpful. Now, was there something that you wanted to talk about that we haven't or that you thought i was gonna ask, but we didn't?
00:40:09
Speaker
There's so much that we could talk about, but not in particular, but I would just say one thing that I would like to touch on is I wanna make it, not only do I wanna help students and other community members who might be struggling, but I also really hope to help practitioners to feel safer and more well-equipped to talk about eating disorders.
00:40:29
Speaker
One thing that I experienced numerous times, I have experienced therapists turning me away because I was honest about my prior diagnosis with an eating disorder. I know it's scary. I know that it is nuanced and there's not a lot of awareness or knowledge around it.
00:40:45
Speaker
But I want to help practitioners feel safer speaking about this or at least initiating those conversations because I think you you, I mean, you really can save a life by just being able to touch on it briefly and connect that individual with the next step of help. So I want to empower everybody that might be listening to this that might be in the treatment space and or the support space to not shy away from it and to learn enough so that you feel comfortable just bridging and approaching that initial conversation.
00:41:15
Speaker
Now, if somebody wants to learn more about Project Blackboard or want to get in touch with you, how can they do that? I would love to get in touch with anyone about Project Blackbird. Our website is www.projectblackbirdinc.org.
00:41:31
Speaker
Our Instagram is projectblackbirdinc. If you either DM the Instagram, my email is on our website. My email is alexandra at projectblackbirdinc.org.
00:41:42
Speaker
I would love to get in touch with anyone that might want to bring us to a school, high school, college, bring us to their organization or institution. We do a lot of programming around policy here in Washington, D.C. as well. So anybody who would like to be involved or help us connect in that space, we are open to everyone that wants to be involved with the organization. So thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to share a little bit about it. And um and I hope to connect with some people.
00:42:07
Speaker
Great.
Closing and Support Information
00:42:08
Speaker
You've been listening to Destination Change. Our guest today was Alexandra Miles. Thanks for being here. Our theme song is Sun Nation by Kitsa and used via a Creative Commons license by the Free Music Archive.
00:42:19
Speaker
Please consider rating and reviewing the podcast on Apple Podcasts so we can get more listeners. In the meantime, you can always see more about the podcast, including show notes and where else to listen, on our website, www.nbhap.org.
00:42:32
Speaker
If you have any questions for the podcast, please email us at info at nbhap.org. Thanks for listening.