Transcript
Speaker: I've always said you can never want something more for your child than they want it for themselves. And so that can be a challenge as well, because sometimes it's hard for a student. In fact, many times it's hard for a student to see the chain of events.
Speaker: right It's hard for them to see if I'm successful in this class, then I'm successful for this school year, then I'm successful for learning the information that will help me get into the right college and that will help me get the right career right. That's so far out for them. They really can't imagine themselves in their 20s. In fact, I know when I was in high school, I couldn't imagine myself in my twenty s right It's just too far in advance.
Speaker: Hello and welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast where positive parenting meets well-being. I'm your host, Laura Olinger, teen and young adult life coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. Today i want to talk about ADHD in teens and young adults and how parents can help without helping too much. That's going to be kind of the theme today I'm First, just a reminder, I do not treat or diagnose any mental health challenges or neurodivergencies. I'm just here to inform. I do have a good deal of training with ADHD, and a lot of my clients have ADHD. And part of the coaching process is...
Speaker: really pairs very well, let's just say, because coaching is designed to help a person figure out what it is that they want, where they are now, what is the gap in between, and what are the steps we need to get there. And just talking about steps, it just pairs hand in hand again with ADHD because it's all about breaking things down. So first, and let's just talk about Kind of some of the traits of ADHD. So it is um associated with challenges and differences in executive functioning. And ADHD individuals may have difficulties with working memory, planning and organization. So by the way, working memory is like how many things you can hold in your head at the same time. The average person holds about, they say, like seven chunks of information, plus or minus about two. Sometimes ADHD individuals can have challenges with working memory. um Planning and organization, time management, task initiation, inhibitory control. So that's that kind of putting on the brake or stopping themselves from doing something that they maybe know they shouldn't do, but it's just they kind of have that pull towards it. And then sustaining attention and effort.
Speaker: So, you know, knowing kind of an ADHD person, a lot of times they know what needs to be done. They just really struggle with getting it done. So that's kind of like the difference, like knowing what needs to be done and getting it done. And then when you're talking about students and we're talking about high schoolers or college kids, a lot of times and they might not even know what needs to be done.
Speaker: So really, um you know, we want to back up a step and we're going to go into that in just a second. But we want to just talk about, you know, providing some scaffolding. So by scaffolding, what I mean is some assistance without doing it for them. So we don't want to become their executive function system. We're there simply to support their executive function system. Because at the end of the day, they do need to learn how to do these things. And over time, we are going to gradually reduce our our help with them. So sometimes, you know, I see an elementary school kid and they go to middle school and the mom is like, oh, my gosh, you know, how do I help them? You know, the workload has gotten harder or same with like a transition to high school or transition to college.
Speaker: And so um the thing is, a lot of times I find that. ADHDers, they do get very overwhelmed by systems, right? So you might be a super organized mom. You might have the most beautiful color-coded calendar or post-its or whatever your system is, and that is likely not going to work for them. A, well, several different reasons. A, it's your system. It's not their system. be. There might be some just resistance with that idea because they are an emerging adult, young adult, and they want some autonomy. So they want some choice with what the system might be.
Speaker: Third is a system requires consistent effort. So if you get a big, beautiful calendar, you fill out the whole month. Well, as we know, the month is going to change and then we need to update it, right? And throughout the year, is this person going to really stick with that. And I find that a lot of times with systems, you know, they might start with something and then when the system fails, that can cause some problems too, right? Because then they feel frustrated, you feel frustrated, they feel like they didn't succeed. And a lot of times, you know, ADHDers,
Speaker: they already struggle with the feelings of not being successful in their everyday lives and at school. And so if you just add one more thing that they're not successful at, you know, it really can, and we know can challenge their self-image and how they feel about themselves. So let's kind of look at three skills to develop. And by skills, I'm going to talk about this loosely, but whenever I talk about a skill, it's always about Handing this to them. So first, first, very simple, figure out what needs to be done and by when.
Speaker: So a lot of times they might know they have some tests coming up. and They might know. So what needs to happen and by when. And so this, this is really a planning skill. And so how are you going to support them with this? um I know this is something I do with my clients, but if you're a mom, you're listening, it might be that you sit down every Sunday night or every Monday when they come home for for the week and just ask them these questions. Hey, what do you have going on this week?
Speaker: Hey, you know, When are those due? Or, hey, how much time do you have for that project? Right? Just like putting those questions out there. Again, we don't want to tell them what to do. We don't want to log into their, whatever your system is called for your school where it it tracks the assignments and whatnot. We do not want to do that for them. Right? So you might say, hey, have you had a chance to look at the calendar for this week for what's happening? Right? So what needs to be done by when?
Speaker: Number two is figure out when to start, right? So this is kind of maybe calendar blocking, it's time management, it's prioritization. So say they have something or like a test due or a test next week.
Speaker: Well, when are we going to start studying for the test next week? Because between now and then we have... sports, we have lessons, we have other projects, other school priorities. And so when are we going to start this, right? If it's next week, well, maybe we the first Monday or Tuesday of this week, are going to focus on the more urgent things.
Speaker: And then maybe that can get pushed until Wednesday, right? So um we want to talk about how i hey how much time do you think that's going to take? um How much time do you think you'll need to study Do we have enough time if we need to get the tutor? Are we playing enough time in case you are struggling with this and need some type of extra help or support?
Speaker: And as we all know, um you may have heard the term time blindness. A lot of times ADHDers, they tend to start things when the thing is actually due because that's what their brain is telling them, right? They see they know there's a date. And that is like somehow like all of a sudden they're getting the urgency.
Speaker: Okay, it's time to start. But really, um in fact, that is the time to be finished. And so number three is figure out what I need to get started, right? So um do you need poster board for this project? Do you need help some help understanding the instructions? Do you understand, you know, what is it being asked of you? And also kind of I always ask, like what's the first step, right? What's the smallest step? And if there I don't know, let's break it down even smaller. Like if you had to guess, what would be the first step?
Speaker: Oh, open my folder. Oh, open my backpack, right? That's the first step. And when I talk about steps, I'm literally talking about minuscule baby steps. And so learning how to move from thinking and doing is kind of just the start because then we have the emotional piece. right? a Managing uncomfortable emotions. You know, this is actually true, whether any type of neurotypical or neurodivergent person, right? Because a lot of times they do feel overwhelmed. um They might feel anxious. They might feel stressed or frustrated, or maybe they don't like the topic and they're just bored by it. It doesn't interest them. And we all know that ADHDers, they are attracted to novelty. So new and different. And And if it's, you know, halfway through the year, it's the same old boring class. It's really going to be a struggle. So how are we going to manage those emotions?
Speaker: Perfectionism is another one I see a lot with my clients um because they want to do something perfectly and they want it to be beautiful and they hate messy mistakes and they hate the process of kind of that messy middle.
Speaker: So that's a challenge, right? How do we manage those emotions? And then, you know, the hardest one always is shame, right? if If a kid is really struggling, they feel behind, they feel like they can't keep up with the rest of the class, that emotion is really, really going to weigh them down. So how can we lift that emotion from them is a really great question. It all depends on the relationship that you have with them.
Speaker: and it's really important, I think, for all parents to Really embrace imperfection in your own house. So i I do have clients who a lot of times that, you know, the parents or or the mom is very, again, organized, very type A, super on top of things. And that can kind of compound with the child because they realize they're not like their mom. They can't keep up. And it it kind of like has this growing, festering feeling of i I'll never be good enough. Right.
Speaker: And so here's what we want to do. When we have those uncomfortable feelings, it can be a challenge, right, to stay motivated, to stay confident. And so really what I would say is just help them recognize what they're feeling. I always say you have to name it to tame it. So it might be an observational statement like, hey,
Speaker: I'm noticing you you seem a little frustrated today. you know, what's going on? um Kind of ask that curious question. And then, you know, identify like what might help. Like, oh, do you just need to vent about this project that seems impossible? or is there anything I can do to help?
Speaker: Right? Kind of giving them those choices. um There's always the three options. I had a guest from an earlier podcast that gave me this the three H's. Do you want to be, do you need to be helped? held or heard, helped, held, or heard. So sometimes kids just need a hug, right? Sometimes they just need that physical touch, especially if they're feeling anxious, um a pat on the back, a hug, right? Even a high five, right? That physical touch because,
Speaker: All humans, especially kids who are feeling stressed out, feeling overwhelmed, their nervous system it tends to be more in the fight or flight just to kind of help them settle their nerves and go back into a more calm state where they can focus better. And so how can parents support without taking over? Again, we want to ask these questions.
Speaker: We don't want to remind them, like, don't forget this, don't forget that, right? That's kind of the classic mom thing. I hear that a lot. So it could just sound something like this. Hey, you know, what do you have coming up? And okay. Do you know when it's due? Have you have you heard gotten the information yet?
Speaker: Next thing is, instead of telling them when to start, put it the ball in their court. Hey, what's your plan for getting this done? Okay. You know, what are your thoughts about this? What's your plan? And then instead of, you know, breaking down the entire assignment, you know, have it all planned out, have your entire calendar blocked, that might be too hard, right? For them to block their calendar next week or the week after. So it might just be like, hey, what's the first thing you need? Hey, when's the first amount of time that you can work on this, right? Like starting with the first part.
Speaker: And then instead of just immediately solving the problem for them or telling them what to do, kind of help them identify what their own challenges are. So, hey, what's getting in the way right now? Like, hey, what is what is your biggest stumbling block at the moment? and it It could be anything. I see a lot of kind of like messy workspaces. And so a lot of times it's like, that's distracting. It could be they don't understand. So that's the thing that's getting in the way. um a lot of times kind of going on the organizational scene, the house is loud, right? I hear I work with a lot of kids and it's like, you can hear background noise. Their sibling is yelling. The dog is barking, right? And so that might be getting in the way. And so what do we need to do to support them to get a more organized environment or a calmer, more quiet environment?
Speaker: Right. And so then other thoughts are, are they getting enough sleep? Right. We know classically that teens and young adults are not. Other ideas are are when they are really struggling, just kind of simple questions like, hey, um you seem frustrated. OK, this isn't working. What have you tried so far?
Speaker: what What else have you tried? and And why didn't that work? OK, what do you think you could try next? What do you think your other options are? Or what could make this easier, do you think? Or what help do you need from me? How can I support you, right? There's always that because we are their parents. We're there to support no matter what.
Speaker: And so the thing is, this can look very, very different for high schoolers versus college kids. High schoolers, the thing is we can kind of see, we do have the ability to check their grades online. We are able to be more supportive with kind of, you know, their physical space, with their organizational space.
Speaker: College, totally different ballgame, right? Obviously, we're not there. Your student may be calling home stressed and overwhelmed and um you feel, you know, just like you can't provide the support. Well, first of all, I have lots of college clients that I coach and this is a lot of what I do. I can also refer to other coaches that do support college kids as well. um But I would just first start out like encouraging them to, you know, contact their professors if they need an advisor to give input or do they need a 504 that maybe they haven't um registered with the school. Maybe they had one in high school. they Maybe they thought they wouldn't need any college, but now they do.
Speaker: Right. Helping them figure out what are those steps to get what they need. And so the end of the day, right, like our whole job is to, you transfer this responsibility to them, right? I have had lots of clients where, you know, mom is still kind of managing from afar. And really, that can can cause a lot of relationship challenges. But also, it can cause a lot of challenges within the student themselves, because they they start to think they can't ever do anything without their help, um without their mom's help. So
Speaker: Again, we want to help support their independence with creating whatever type of organization or reminder system works for them. Again, traditional ones typically don't work. I encourage you to get creative. I have a lot of fun doing that with my clients. And think that's about it. I mean, there's so much in this topic because it it is hard, right? We do have, I mean, gosh, so many students that struggle with this and so many moms who kind of are...
Speaker: kind of the feeling the responsible party, right? Feeling like they're responsible for their student success um because at the end of the day, they they are the parent. But I've always said you can never want something more for your child than they want it for themselves. And so that can be a challenge as well because sometimes it's hard for a student. In fact, many times it's hard for a student to see the chain of events, right? It's hard for them to see if I'm successful in this class, then I'm successful for this school year, then I'm successful for learning the information that will help me get into the right college and that will help me get the right career. right That's so far out for them. They really can't imagine themselves in their 20s. In fact, I know when I was in high school, I couldn't imagine myself in my 20s. It's just too far in advance. And so really working with a student to help them like break it down so that way the success feels tangible, but it also feels immediate so that there is some type of positive reward or feedback for this immediate effort so that it doesn't feel like we're just working, working, working, working for something 10 years away. And by reward, I don't mean go out and buy them a car or pay them for grades or even take them out for ice cream. I'm not saying we can't celebrate because we certainly can celebrate these things. But what I have found is the celebration needs to be a bit more internal. When a student, and this is for anybody, um this is how neuroscience works, when anybody celebrates their effort, they're
Speaker: it makes them feel good. It actually lights up the reward circuit in the brain. It pumps out some dopamine and it's more likely to make them want to do it again in the future. So that is where we are today. I'm going to leave it at that. I would love to hear your comments, feedback, questions, anything like that. And with that said, don't forget, stay positively healthy.
Speaker: Hey, it's Laura. Let me take a quick minute to talk to the moms wondering, is my teen or young adult just going through a phase? Because sometimes what looks like pulling away, people pleasing or caring way too much about what everyone else thinks is really about something deeper.
Speaker: It can sound like, am I enough? Do I matter? Do I belong? And sure, some of it may pass, but your teen or young adult is figuring out who they are right now, and those questions can shape the choices that they make.
Speaker: That's where I come in. I help teens and young adults build the mindset and skill set for confidence, connection, and direction. If you're wondering what your child might need right now, let's talk about it. Book a free 30 minute discovery call at PositivelyHealthyCoaching.com. We'll talk about what you're seeing, what's underneath and what might help.
Speaker: When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash TPHmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
Speaker: And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.
