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8. When Self-Care = Self-Sabotage
20 Plays2 months ago
Self-care is supposed to make us feel better—but what happens when the things we turn to for comfort, like eating, drinking, or doom scrolling, actually leave us feeling worse? In today’s episode, I’m diving into the difference between self-care and self-sabotage, why buffering your emotions keeps you stuck, and how to start making choices that truly support your growth.
I’ll share how I broke out of my own self-sabotaging habits, the two ways you can handle negative self-talk, and how to find self-care that leaves you feeling empowered and proud of yourself. If you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame, this episode is for you!
👉 Want to work with me for free? I’m offering 10 women the opportunity to join my new 6-week coaching program, Beyond Motherhood, completely free! This offer ends 1/31, so don’t wait—apply now at theunstuckmom.com/freecoaching.
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Transcript
Introduction to Unstuck Mom Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to the Unstuck Mom podcast, where we dive deep into transforming your mindset to create the life you want and deserve. I'm Bethany. I'm here to help you break free from what's holding you back so you can thrive in motherhood and beyond. Whether it's reclaiming your sense of self, strengthening your relationship with your partner and kids, or building the confidence to tackle anything life throws your way, every episode is designed to empower you with practical tools and a fresh perspective. So are you ready to get unstuck? Let's go.
Commitment Despite Challenges
00:00:35
Speaker
Hi friends and welcome back to the Unstuck Mom podcast. If you don't know me, my name is Bethany and if you do know me, I know I said I was going to be back last week, but I actually ended up getting pretty bad cold and I lost my voice and I sounded like a goose and I did not think that anybody would want to listen to that. And actually, my voice is still recovering, but I'm going to get this out because this is a topic that is really important to me and I think will be super helpful for you.
Embracing Authenticity in Podcasting
00:01:10
Speaker
Just a little heads up, I'm doing this podcast a little bit differently than I was in my previous episodes. I would make um a full script for my other episodes and it just didn't feel like it flowed really well. And like it didn't feel super authentic to me some of the time because sometimes I just want to talk about random topics that come to my brain that I think might be helpful. And I wasn't allowing myself to do that. So I'm going to try a new little way here of recording and Yeah, I'm just I'm getting used to podcasting and I know that it will just keep kind of getting better and better the more that I Get on here and talk to you guys and help you out.
Self-Care vs. Self-Sabotage
00:01:57
Speaker
So Anyway on with today's episode um This is something that I think is so good for women to recognize and realize because it will help you
00:02:11
Speaker
get a gain in your life instead of feeling like crap. And I know self-care is a topic that a lot of moms especially talk about how important it is, but if you're doing it, quote unquote, the wrong way, then it can lead you to not feeling so good. Self-care is supposed to make us feel better, right? So what happens when we turn to things for comfort that actually leave us feeling worse?
Understanding Buffering
00:02:40
Speaker
So sometimes what we call self-care is really self-sabotage. I know that the lowest point in my like my entire motherhood journey essentially and was in the beginning I know most moms when you're going through that first transition you're kind of just scrambling it feels all like a whirlwind and you're just figuring it out as you go. um And I had a lot of postpartum anxiety. I felt really overwhelmed and so Sometimes I would turn to food, sometimes alcohol, um or just like mindless scrolling for hours on end. And what happened was that led to my self concept completely just falling apart. And the way that I viewed myself ended up being really awful because I just continue to give my myself this
00:03:38
Speaker
um constant feedback loop that would further these negative beliefs that I had about myself. It was this downward spiral. So let me talk to you kind of about what I was doing and what you might be doing too. um This is a concept by Brooke Castillo.
00:04:00
Speaker
that she calls buffering. So buffering is when you use activities to avoid feeling your emotions like overeating or over drinking or binge watching Netflix. um And while these activities might feel good in the moment, they can have long term consequences and they can leave you feeling worse like feeling guilt or shame or stagnation in your life. And I'm not saying that you should never do these things. Of course, that's never going to happen. um But the reason this makes us feel terrible over time is that if it's the main way you're choosing to practice self care, is that we are wired to grow, to learn to evolve,
00:04:46
Speaker
And if we stay stuck in that area of avoidance, it's no wonder that we feel awful, especially over a span of months and years.
Aligning Self-Care with Personal Values
00:04:59
Speaker
I think the most dangerous area that will happen for us is when we're choosing an activity that completely misaligns with the values and the life that we really want for ourselves. And this can show up in the form of, say for example, you want to be healthy and you want to you know be in shape and um not be eating a bunch of junk all the time and you want to feel good in your body.
00:05:29
Speaker
But if your primary form of self-care is to just overeat and dive into, you know, whatever snacks, the entire snack cupboard it would have been for me.
00:05:45
Speaker
then it's just that cognitive dissonance, that difference in what you want in your highest version of yourself. And when that meets this sort of opposite, your self talk is always going to be negative.
00:06:01
Speaker
The goal that we want to achieve here is not just changing everything, and I especially don't want it to become this perfectionist type of mindset where, you know, if I'm not doing and accomplishing something that I'm not good enough, no. But what you want to do is increase the amount of things that you're doing that are creating this net positive for you versus this net negative. A way to kind of find whether or not an activity is serving you is just to ask yourself, how do I feel about myself after I do this activity? Do I feel better? Or does my self talk become more negative? So for example, if you scroll on TikTok for an hour or two hours, and then you tell yourself that you're a lazy piece of crap, that's a sign that it's not true self care. Now, there are two things you can do
00:06:58
Speaker
to handle this. And the first option is to keep the activity but change your self-talk. So when you find yourself and you can start creating that awareness, you ask yourself, do I feel better from this activity? If the answer is no, you can say, okay, well, what is it that I am believing about myself, my worth, my value, um my purpose that is negative after this event that you know, that I'm creating that I could look at and start to change and reframe the way that I'm thinking about this for, um you know, and the second option would be to choose a new form of self care. Now, obviously, there are tons of different things that you can do. I mean,
00:07:51
Speaker
It's the sky's the limit. There's so many you can look up on Google, you know, like, whatever reforms for self care for moms, and start choosing things that you're like, Oh, I would feel so much better if I did that thing. Like if I sat in my bathroom, and instead of maybe you listen to music, or maybe you do scroll on your phone, and let things play, while you put on a face mask and let it sit.
00:08:18
Speaker
or paint your toenails, something that is going to make you feel like you've accomplished something or done something that is gaining you a net positive. Now, I'm going to go back to the option one, which is keeping the activity and changing your self-talk. So essentially, what you need to learn to do is to have your own back.
00:08:41
Speaker
So when your brain tells you that you're lazy or that you're a failure, you need to snap back at your brain and say, actually, brain, that's not true. I'm doing my best right now and I can still grow from here. So be really mindful as to what your brain is telling you and you know say, hey, no, you know I know you're trying to be protective of the situation. I know that your intention is good.
00:09:11
Speaker
but that's not really helpful and I'm going to choose to have my own back and believe and choose to believe that this is for my my highest good and I'm not gonna let myself talk down to myself after just choosing to enjoy something.
Conscious Decision-Making in Self-Care
00:09:27
Speaker
Here's the key here. If you decide to keep this buffering activity, so say like the overeating, over drinking, anything like that, where you're just kind of trying to check out and I'm out, make the conscious choice to fully allow yourself to do the thing.
00:09:46
Speaker
You just have to go, I am choosing this consciously because what happens a lot of the time is you're kind of already halfway feeling bad about yourself before you even do the activity. So you kind of, you do it more. You do it harder. You eat more food than you even really wanted to because you already feel guilty about it and then the guilt is making you spiral into truly self-sabotaging or instead of drinking a glass of wine, you're like, okay, well, I'm going to finish the entire bottle because I'm already here and I'm going to keep, you know, just keep on this train because I already feel like crap and I'm just going to try to numb that out a little bit more. That's what we want to avoid. If you're just saying, you know what, I'm going to have this, I'm going to enjoy this and bringing a piece of mindfulness to this can also be a huge benefit to you.
00:10:38
Speaker
if you are finding and you're trying to do that and you're like, no, I i decided I want to do that. And you can't seem to get the the negative self talk out. My best advice is to go with option two, which is to choose self care that serves you.
00:10:55
Speaker
so Again, you can ask yourself what sounds fun or enjoyable that will leave me feeling better about myself afterward. There are probably a few things that you can think of, but you know taking a walk. If you're able to get out of the house, say you're at home with the kids all day, or just a little piece of intentionality, is that a word? Being intentional.
00:11:18
Speaker
um Will serve you so greatly because you are taking this positive step and it is coming from a place of believing that you deserve to do good things for yourself so i mean you can journal you can meditate you can try a new hobby maybe you join a class or something like that maybe you used to really love.
00:11:40
Speaker
painting or sometimes I love like woodworking I want to like build something that like whatever lights you up just start you know asking your brain what will really leave me feeling amazing. And you have to experiment. I mean, we change. We change over time. And of course, we're not able to do the same things we did when we were in high school or college. um We don't really have that kind of time anymore, for the most part. And so the more that you experiment, and you explore what truly fills you up, the less tempted you're going to be to reach for those numbing behaviors.
Building a Positive Self-Concept
00:12:23
Speaker
So here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to notice when you buffer and how you feel afterward. So just ask yourself, Hmm, was this self-care or self-sabotage? And if it's self-sabotage, decide that you want to change your self-talk or try something different next time.
00:12:46
Speaker
This process does take time and practice, but every small step you take strengthens your self-concept and helps you feel better and better about yourself. The more evidence you give yourself that you are willing to take a step in a positive direction for you, the more it's going to build upon itself. And before you know it, your life can look completely different because so much of what we do is completely centered around what we believe about ourselves, what you know what we think about ourselves, we cannot surpass our self-concept. You cannot do anything that you do not believe you are worthy of or that you're capable of. So starting to give your brain these little pieces on an everyday or weekly or monthly basis,
00:13:37
Speaker
encourages you to build that new self concept. And that is where the magic is. And just remember this, that true self care leaves you feeling better, not worse. And you deserve to treat yourself in a way that builds you up and not tears you down.
Free Coaching Offer
00:13:57
Speaker
Also, this week is the deadline to sign up for free one-on-one coaching. I created a program which actually I am going to be tweaking. I've decided I'm doing something a little bit different um for my coaching program, but it's free one-on-one coaching. This is six.
00:14:17
Speaker
one on one sessions with me. I'm going to help you do what you want to do. I will help you with any of these topics. Essentially, your self concept is super important. um But I want to know what's not working. And I want to help you get huge strides and I promise you there is nothing like being able to have someone else who is not you to reflect back and hear the sentences in your brain come out of your mouth because you have 60,000 thoughts a day. There is no way that you can see all of those or acknowledge them. They all feel factual to you and having a coach to identify those limiting beliefs and those stopping points
00:15:01
Speaker
and help you reframe them and get past them and create actions that align with the person that you really want to be is absolutely invaluable. I think everybody on this planet should have a life coach. I would probably have a life coach meeting every single day if I could, or at least you know a few times a week because it's so beneficial. um so yeah The deadline for that is this week. I'm i'm picking everybody. but By the end of the week, I've already picked a few people.
00:15:29
Speaker
so um I'm taking 10 women and you can go and apply for that. ah If you go to the unstuckmom.com forward slash free coaching, if you click the apply now button, it's just gonna take you to a little form, you fill out some answers and I will see if I think that you're kind of the right candidate, somebody who's ready to work um a little bit and get you know the help, get in this positive,
00:15:59
Speaker
direction. And I want more than anything to help help help all these women. um So yeah, if you're interested, head to that yeah URL, I will tag it in the show notes. um Just a reminder, if you think that anybody else would benefit from this, another mom, another woman, another anybody in your life, please feel free to share this podcast. And don't forget to subscribe. All right, I'm out, but I will see you next week.